I beat my little son what to do. I beat my child: what should I do? Sincere conversation on a difficult topic

Parents who hit their children often complain about the feeling of anger they experience at that moment. It is uncontrollable, it captures completely and does not allow you to adequately respond. It doesn't really matter what the situation is. This anger can be caused by the most insignificant misconduct of a child. Let's see what anger is and what can be done about it.

Anger is an emotion. And any emotion - it comes and goes, it is viscous. Every emotion is created in the head. It has nothing to do with us, our gut, our Soul. Emotion is an activity of the brain, like thoughts, imagination, feelings. It is generally accepted that all this is the activity of our soul, our heart, but this is not so. It is the brain that creates and controls emotions.

The mind experiences both pain and suffering. He experiences emotions and attachments. Desires and aspirations. At the same time, our present - we ourselves (not the body, not emotions, not the intellect, but we - our being) continue to stay OUTSIDE of this mind. To feel this, you need a little more attention to yourself and a desire to study yourself. Look at yourself carefully from the outside: where does anger come from? Any other emotion? All this is mind.

To overcome anger, you need to admit it to yourself, accept it and begin to study it. When testing it, do not pinch yourself and do not suppress it, otherwise it will break out with new force like any restrained vomit, but rather observe it and be aware of it. Judgment at this moment passionate desire Turning it off immediately will only make matters worse. But acquaintance with it and awareness of it can surprisingly ... neutralize it, help to see its nature and meaninglessness. At the same time, the nature of each anger is individual, no one can solve this problem for us. Only we ourselves, armed with patience and the desire to know ourselves and free ourselves from internal restraints, can solve this problem.

Power in the family
For a long time I went through those grains, which I now share with you in detail. They brought me understanding, answered many questions, but did not help in the main thing: to improve relations in the family. I stopped raising my hand to my daughter. But my feeling of anger, resentment against her did not pass. There came a moment when I realized that to beat or not to beat is not so important when there is parental authority over children in the family. But what it is, how it happens inside me, I did not understand. Most of all, I did not understand how it could be otherwise. But I felt in myself some kind of struggle, some kind of conflict, which I could not identify for myself.

I will try to explain with an example. The child has done something wrong. Inside the question arises: to punish or not. Of course, punish. How? By the pope - I dismissed this option for a long time. Scold - tried to sweep away, did not work out to the end, but led to children's immunity against lectures. The kids just didn't listen and didn't try to listen to what I was telling them. You can punish in other ways, for example, to deprive of something good. Deprive? Yes! What? How? Sweets - the son will be hysterical, and the daughter is already indifferent to them. To deprive pony classes (we go to the equestrian center) will be a tragedy, too vulnerable a topic. Do not go to the carousel at the weekend - they will misbehave at home, we will go crazy, my children are very active, they will just boil alive in the walls of the apartment in the summer and that's it. Continue reading "Power in the Family" »

Violence in family
Let's start our conversation about raising children and communicating with them with the wrong thing that we adults bring to the world of children. I'll call it violence. Child abuse. This word is usually associated with sexual abuse, but it can also be different - physical and emotional. Often, neither parents nor children understand what exactly is happening in their family. Discomfort in communication, claims, resentment - all this is more often transferred to the character, age and the eternal problem of fathers and children. We do not use such words as parental power, child slavery, breaking a child in our vocabulary. We are more inclined to talk about childhood stubbornness, today's hard life, the difficulties of parenting and the importance good education for children.

Me too for a long time lived in this coordinate system. But gradually I had to notice that what I do not like in the behavior of my children, I want to eradicate, break, correct in them in the most categorical way. I had to notice that what I did not like so much in my childhood, I do now in my family. And my children react the same way - they hide, do not make contact, learn to lie, they want to avoid a showdown in every possible way. Continue reading "Domestic Violence" »
Tags: unconditional acceptance, beating, cruelty, living stories, punishment, violence, parental mistakes, child nature

Children must respect their parents. Or not?
The opinion that children should respect their parents is quite common. We, adults, are trying in every possible way to instill in children this habit - to respect us. We are not even ashamed to tell them directly: "You must respect your parents."

Why is it so important for us to be respected by our children? Such instilled, pre-desired by the parent, not natural respect of the child for an adult is caused by parental fear that the child will treat him not so correctly, not so respectfully, in other words, not as well as the parent would like.

We want our requests (often bordering on a claim) to be met by the child not with refusal or rudeness, but with submissive obedience or at least respectful consent. In order to accept our YES or NO unconditionally, our interests (mom needs to work, so sit quietly; dad is tired, sleeping, don’t make noise) were not unshakable in the eyes of the child and clearly had priority over his own interest(desire to go for a walk, jump, make noise, laugh).

We want to be able to control any situation, make a tough enough decision that is beneficial to our policy, stepping over the interest of the child - all this is often done with the motivation “I know better what you need”, “it’s impossible to follow the child’s desires, otherwise grow up as a slob."

It turns out that our respect for us instilled in children is another attempt by the parent to extend his power over the child, to show him that his interests are not so priority, his thoughts are not so pure, his desires are not so correct, his nature is a priori not so good. We clearly do not have confidence in this person, and most importantly, we do not consider the child a full-fledged person, only some unfinished person, until he graduates from a university with a red diploma and earns money for his first car. Continue reading "Children should respect their parents. Or not?" »
Tags: unconditional acceptance, love, violence, attitude towards people, parental mistakes, the nature of the child, happy childhood, sensitivity

Parenting fears and what to do about them
As parents, we are afraid of many things. We are afraid of diseases described by pants, that the child will start crawling, talking, reading late. We are afraid of deuces at school, absenteeism, early love, early pregnancy. We are afraid that the child will grow up unsuccessful, stupid, lazy, selfish. Will drink, smoke and swear. Will not be able to get an education, and therefore feed his family. Failed to marry or get married.

We have heard many stories about how wonderful parents fools and rude people grew up. And we are afraid that this will happen to us. We do not trust ourselves or our child. We do not understand the nature of relationships with children, children's perception, parental influence.

And these fears make us enter the race to train our child, influence him through the external: let him read a lot - that's right, let him wash the floor - be neat, let him play sports - he won't hang around the streets and drink beer. We lecture on the dangers of TV bad companies, unleashed girls and rude boys, smoking, alcohol and drugs. Do you think we can bring up good baby who we could be proud of, who would be loved by teachers and who would be touched by all the grandmothers in the tram?

I'm afraid not. And I'm afraid we feel it in advance.

This path of vanity and fear is in no way similar to the path of love and trust in your child, recognition of his personality and mutually joyful communication. A child cannot possibly be a computer that we are trying to program for some particular way of life that we have chosen. The child is alive. And the very first thing he absorbs is what he sees. He can understand a lot of things that are suggested to him, but he will live by copying what he saw all his childhood. If we, with irritation at him, teach us to yield and not to swear with younger brother he won't be able to learn it. But he will learn to be hypocritical, to lie, to mask the inner behind the outer.

To raise a good person, you need to be yourself a good man. And education in itself is a completely useless exercise. It generates fear of inadequacy, an inflated sense of duty that sometimes suppresses inner feelings, dependence on the opinions of parents, and is also the cause of an aggressive and painful adolescence, when the child finally takes his previously suppressed freedom.

Dear parents, let's just live, be who we are. change into better side rather than trying to look different on the outside. Love your children for what they are. Enjoy life and be human in every situation. Then our children will be better than us and give their children the best foundation than we are.

It's hard to find a start, right?

It is a mistake to assume that a child begins from the moment of birth. Or even more so at the age of three, when he begins to understand something. The child begins at the very beginning - when the parents conceived him. And it is very important what exactly they felt, how they treated each other, what they wanted, what they dreamed about. Archi is important - how did mom's pregnancy go, her state of mind, thoughts about the baby, the desire or unwillingness of the child, her poise. During this period, she demonstrates the ability to show all her best qualities which I have learned in my life - the ability to forgive, feel, understand, accept, not be offended, be sensitive, gentle, but strong. From time immemorial, it was believed that pregnant women should not be nervous. Why not? This is bad for the child. Seems like an obvious answer. But many do not understand at all. So far people talking about physical connection between mother and child, do not fully understand the full force of the bond that exists from the very moment of conception. We are used to explaining it in terms of purely physiological things, such as blood. We forget about the main thing - the spiritual connection of these two beings. Everything experienced by the mother will be embedded in the child and will give him a start in life. That's why, common opinion that a child begins life with clean slate, erroneously - his mother has already laid a lot for him in nine months, so he is not the same as any other baby of the same age. And this foundation will follow the child all his life, will have a serious impact on his health, psyche, character, fate. This is not an exaggeration: it is during pregnancy that a woman lays the foundation for all aspects of her baby's life with her behavior in her ordinary everyday situations.

How many 40-50-year-old people have serious mental problems, bordering on physical ones, the basis of which is in the fetal period! Very many! Every woman knew about this relationship in the old days. Medicine has always been silent about this. Attentive psychologists are talking about this more and more openly. More and more mothers are convinced of this from their own experience.

Let's not reinvent the wheel. We simply admit to ourselves that motherhood is a huge responsibility of a woman to herself, her child, Nature, God. And the child begins in the first moments of pregnancy. It is from this moment that his life begins. God grant that a woman has enough mental strength and wisdom from now on to protect your baby from the blows of fate.
I often think, what am I?

There is a song with such words: what are our girls made of!

What am I from?

I love spring in April, when it's not hot yet, everything is in flowers and fresh greenery! I love May, so that a downpour with bubbles, puddles up to the ankles, and so that the water is warm, so that a thunderstorm, and thunder, and lightning, but not for long. Then summer, when the sea with and without waves, I love Sergeevka. I love autumn with its yellow and red leaves. And I love winter, when there is snow, and when there are warm things, when a sunny frosty day is all in snow, and the sky is blue, deep, then I love her very much. And I also love the Wind, when it is warm both in the face and in the chest, arms to the sides and clothes in the wind like a sail, I love the sound of the sea, waterfall, rain.

Flowers are just a captured ecstasy. And their aroma, and forms, there is no limit to the admiration of the riot of their colors, from naive simplicity to regal pomposity.
Sunsets 10-15 minutes of the magic of the sun and sky, you catch every second, you want to absorb and enjoy all the shades from soft pink to deep purple and all this against the background various shades blue fading to deep Blue colour of the sky, often a hundred times the magic is enhanced by lush clouds with rays penetrating them in all directions. The sky changes instantly and every moment gives a new ecstasy, as if there are many small fireflies inside me and they jump and dance at once, spin in small spirals and I feel joyful and cheerful. Waves of joy come from the heart and spread throughout the body! The most amazing thing is that everything is always new and you can enjoy it all your life!

Dawns are a sacrament, prayer is a meeting with GOD! The silence in the morning dawn strikes everything. A rooster crowed, a nightingale is pouring somewhere, a cuckoo is crowing, everything is stirring, a breeze blew, awe ... everyone is waiting for the command - the curtain, and enters the stage main character- our all-illuminating Sun with its love. His outfit changes like a real magician, some 5-10 minutes and our fearless acrobat soars high in the sky and imagine - without insurance. This is how he will walk the whole day on an invisible rope and delight and give warmth and a smile to us, living on our beautiful planet Earth.

I really want to have my own house. A house where my relatives can come, and they will feel good, cozy, warm in it. I want to grow flowers myself, I want to have a garden and a kitchen garden. I really like to watch how what I planted grows, to take care of everything. It's great when a cat and a dog live in the house, you can have several. From communicating with them you get a feeling of homeliness and need, they are always waiting and meeting you, they are always happy and love you with some special devotion. I already love all this.

I love my beloved, thank him for being with me!

I love my children, I want them to be happy, let everything in their life be their joy!

Children are love forever! Only for them you come to life and continue to live on!

Child's lack of remorse
Many parents of children 3-6 years old, or even older, complain about the lack of sincerity, understanding, repentance, sympathy in their children. “He hit his brother, he cries, but he laughs himself.” Or “plays with a toy that he wanted to take away.” “She stepped on my foot, I can’t catch my breath, and my daughter has already run away, muttering sorry.” “I perfectly understood that I was wrong, but I myself will never apologize.”

This kind of behavior is annoying in and of itself. But correcting it directly - with some kind of comment or request, or even more so with moralizing - is a mistake. This action will show the child the way to lies, external conformity, which is unlikely to please parents. Only the right way- this is to notice in yourself your own inattention to the child. Children always grasp what they see in the house. Many consider the street to be a major influence. This influence is, but it is not the main thing. The main thing is the house.

The most educated mother may be inattentive in a child. See how you react to baby crying, childhood experiences, failures, fears? Are your child's difficulties always as important to you as your own? If the fact that a new long-awaited car was taken away from him, you react: “Don't cry. She's still yours. Give the boy a ride, but for now take his tractor, ”he is unlikely to be especially ceremonious in a situation where your interests will be infringed.

Let's try to notice that often in acute situations for a child, we react with memorized clichés, teaching the child not to be greedy, not to offend, not to be offended, not to be jealous, not to show off. We seem to be saying the right things. But at the same time, we ignore the main thing - the child himself, his feelings and experiences. This mistake of ignoring is then repeated by our children to their friends, brothers, sisters and ourselves.

- "Do not Cry. She's still yours. Let the boy ride, but for now, take his tractor, ”mom said and went back to her friend’s shop to discuss seasonal sales. From these words, the child, of course, did not calm down. But he realized that his mother condemns his behavior, she does not understand his feelings, and he remains alone with them. How they will accumulate and how to get out - it's all very individual, but very painful.

The child is misbehaving. You objectively want to change his reaction. Try to start with the words: "I'm with you." "I love you". "Darling, what happened, tell me." "I understand you". Such attention to inner experiences will give rise to high level trust and sensitivity. The child will happily share his news with you. He will know that he is always understood. You will be able to gently adjust his reaction by offering to experience this situation together. Gradually, you will notice that he himself is sensitive to changes in your mood, takes care of you, your well-being, your smile.

Only by your example will you show your child natural sincerity, care and warmth.

I stand, digging in kitchen oilcloths. Behind me is an iron mesh basket. In the basket - hats, caps, panamas.
At the basket is a mother with a boy of 10-11 years old. On the other hand, grandpa is rummaging in panama hats. Very decent, but extremely dilapidated.

The boy grabs from the basket a huge scarlet hat with wide brim and poppy on the side. He puts on in delight and yells:
- Mom, mom, look at my hat!
- What are you doing?! - Mom yells, - What are you women's hat grabbed? You're an idiot?! What are you, grandma? You would still put on women's panties! What are you, like a bugger, grabbing woman's junk?! There's still a bra on! Go, go, try on a bra!
I bury myself in oilcloths: “None of your business, be silent, fool, wait for your grandchildren, and educate!”
Suddenly, a dilapidated grandfather ... With an indescribably anecdotal \ "Odessa \" reprimand, grazing and helping himself with gestures:
- So madam, you are already in vain instructing the boy! Having such a model of a woman around since childhood, your boy will easily become a pederast without additional instructions!
Silent scene.

I, unsticking from oilcloths:
- Grandpa, can I kiss you on the cheek?
- This is at any moment, - says the grandfather.
I kiss my grandfather on the parchment cheek, smelling of old cologne, and leave the battlefield.
As they say, no comment...

Source site Ne-bey http://www.nebej.ru/ Anna Demidova

Some will be surprised and find this question very strange, because it is well known that physical punishment is not the best of disciplinary strategies.

However, some parents are still of the opinion that whip education is much more effective than the now popular carrot education. It is necessary to figure out where is the line that separates reasonable punishment and unjustified cruelty.

The question of whether to beat or not to beat a child, as a rule, arises from parents when their beloved baby turns two or three years old.

In that age period there is a formation of the personality, also the kid absorbs different information, is armed with new skills and studies the limits of what is permitted.

Obviously, such a process of growing up must be accompanied by various troubles, since the child learns the world through trial and error. He studies and tests literally everything, and such behavior often poses a danger to children's health.

It is natural that every parent tries to protect the baby from various traumatic situations. It is also clear that when similar cases moms and dads are overwhelmed by bright and strong emotions.

In addition, children in three years old enter into a special crisis period when stubbornness, despotism, negativism, obstinacy, masterful "notes" appear in their behavior. Some kids even become completely uncontrollable.

Teenagers who are prone to egocentrism, maximalism and a tendency to manipulative actions do not differ in exemplary behavior.

That is why infrequent outbursts of anger and the desire to spank your beloved child in the hearts of even the most loving and most liberal parents visit. And this is quite normal, but there are situations when the desire to punish a child physically can be considered something abnormal.

Other reasons for corporal punishment

Statistical data show that the vast majority of Russian parents admitted that in their childhood their parents used physical punishment against them.

Moreover, 65% of all respondents are still fully convinced that the use of such strict disciplinary measures by their parents was only good for them, therefore, corporal punishment is occasionally used against their children.

What are the sources of such ambiguous parental decisions?

Family traditions. Some adults can take out their own childhood grievances and complexes on their child. Moreover, mothers and fathers do not even perceive other methods of persuasion and education, believing that with a slap and good word You can achieve more than just a good word.
Unwillingness to educate or lack of time. As already noted, upbringing is a complex process, so for some parents it is much easier to hit a child than to have lengthy conversations with him, proving him wrong.
parental helplessness. Adults clutch at the strap out of desperation and a banal lack of knowledge about how to deal with a naughty or uncontrollable child.
own failure. Sometimes parents hit their child in the butt just because they need to take out their anger on someone for their own failures. Any childish misconduct becomes a reason to break loose and “break away” on the baby for their problems at work or in their personal lives.
Mental instability. Some moms and dads need strong emotions. They get them when they scream, beat children for nothing. Then, fueled by strong emotions, the parent who beat the child cries with him.

Thus, there are many reasons for using harsh disciplinary measures. And those who think that only alcoholic parents or other antisocial personalities are fond of such educational methods are wrong. It remains to be seen why such measures are undesirable.

Why can't you hit a child?

Fortunately, many adults who physically punish children know how to stop in time and do not hit them with full force.

However, even a light blow (especially on the head) can harm children's body. And than younger child the more serious the consequences. And many of them are invisible to the layman.

If you do not take into account the already very serious cases of child abuse in the family, then you can find a huge number of parents who periodically allow themselves to resort to corporal punishment.

They are convinced that it is possible to beat a child on the hands or a soft spot, since such measures do not harm health, but they give a good educational effect.

However, such mothers and fathers forget that punishment can affect not only the physical, but also the psychological level.

Unwanted physical contact (spanking, poking, shaking, spanking with a belt) violates the child's personal boundaries. He does not develop the ability to defend the limits of his "I". That is, other people's opinions, words will be too important for a grown-up person.
Based on the relationship with mother and father, a basic trust in the world is formed. Violence from the most loved one becomes a cause of distrust of people, which negatively affects socialization.
Constant spanking makes the child feel humiliated, which is fraught with a drop in self-esteem. And this can already lead to the loss of such important qualities like initiative, perseverance, self-respect and perseverance.
The spanking parent leads by example aggressive behavior. A child who is faced with the rigidity of a father or mother believes that conflicts must be resolved with the help of force, threats and other aggressive acts.
If children are flogged, they begin to divide all people into “victims” and “aggressors”, and subconsciously choose the appropriate role for themselves. Victim women marry aggressive men, and male aggressors will oppress their wives and children through threats or physical violence.

Corporal punishment does not affect the cause of disobedience and is short-lived. At first, the fear of being spanked is present, but then the child adapts and continues to play on parental nerves.

The opinion of American scientists

The truth that childhood experiences affect later life, familiar to everyone. Physical abuse by loved ones is a common factor in the occurrence of psycho-emotional disorders and neurological diseases in adulthood.

Scientists from the United States, studying the consequences of the use of physical punishment for educational purposes, cite some shocking data. So, people who were regularly slapped and slapped on the back of the head were distinguished by reduced intellectual abilities.

In especially severe cases, it was even about mental and physical disorders, since the centers responsible for processing and storing information, speech and motor functions were seriously damaged.

In addition, according to the same American scientists, children who are subjected to corporal punishment are more prone to vascular diseases, diabetes, arthritis and other equally serious diseases as they grow up.

Also, teenagers whose childhood was overshadowed by parental aggression are more likely to become drug addicts, alcoholics and criminals. And they also adopt a cruel parenting style and transfer it to their own children. That is, a kind of vicious circle in which cruelty breeds aggression.

However, it should be noted that this work was criticized by other specialists. Some scientists felt that there were certain inflections in the data presented. For example, the researchers didn't bother to categorize sadistic parents and moms and dads who occasionally use light corporal punishment.

That is why it is extremely difficult to judge whether spanking and slapping can really backfire on mental insufficiency or heart problems in adulthood.

Refusal to use physical "arguments" in communication with a child does not mean that it is worth completely abandoning disciplinary action as an effective measure.

If a child has committed a truly serious offense, adults must take certain steps. Otherwise, rare cases of misbehavior can become a mass phenomenon, which will be extremely difficult to deal with.

How to punish?

What is for a child? A pediatrician tells about this, as well as about how to replace a computer.

Well, the highest parental "aerobatics" is the ability to anticipate conflict situations. First of all, you need to understand that the main source is not good behavior becomes a desire to attract the attention of adults. If you begin to communicate more often with the child, the number of whims and misconduct will immediately decrease.

Alternative measures do not work: what to do?

Many parents, reading such advice, begin to think that the authors live in some kind of parallel or ideal reality in which the child is always obedient, and the mother is always calm and balanced.

Of course, there are situations when requests, persuasion, explanations are not able to help with calming down and bringing back to normal. emotional condition a stubborn or angry child.

In such a situation, as some experts believe, a light slap can switch attention and become a kind of inhibitor of a psycho-emotional outburst. Naturally, the power of the slap must be controlled (as well as your mental state).

In addition, corporal punishment (speech in this case not talking about spanking) it is possible if:

children's behavior poses a direct threat to the life and health of a little bully (poking fingers into sockets, playing with fire, moving to the side highway, approaching the edge of a cliff, etc.);
the child has crossed absolutely all the limits of what is permitted, clearly trying to piss you off, and he does not respond to other disciplinary measures and may even behave inappropriately (see the previous paragraph).

After a light slap, you need to without fail explain what the punishment followed, how to behave correctly. Do not forget to also say that it is the act that you do not like, and not the child himself. You still love him.

Parents in the studio!

Curious what moms and dads themselves think about this? As is usually the case in matters of education, opinions differ significantly. Some parents are convinced that spanking and the usual spanking on the fifth point is quite effective method disciplinary action.

Like, they beat with rods for the faults of our ancestors, and nothing - they grew up no worse than the rest.

Other adults oppose any forceful influences in relation to the child, believing that the best way to educate is conversations, explanations, stories and illustrative examples. Here are some specific comments from parents.

Anastasia, expectant mother:“And I often flew in the pope: both with a belt and with a palm. And nothing - everything is fine. Now I myself think that if the conversation does not help, you can use force. But not to beat, of course, but just in a soft place lightly. The child must occasionally be beaten on the pope if he does not understand normal words.

Kristina, mother of two-year-old Yaroslav:“In my childhood, I was often beaten with a belt, I still take offense at my mother. She still thinks that if she beat the child, then there are no problems. I firmly decided that I would not spank my kids. And I try to solve all the difficulties with my son without a belt and slaps. I try to negotiate, although he is still small. It seems to work calm conversations.

Of course, it is up to you to decide which parenting methods are applicable specifically to your child. However, it should be understood that the laying of personality occurs with early childhood, and it depends on the parents what will take away future life current baby.

Many experts oppose physical punishment, citing well-reasoned examples of why you should not beat your children. Perhaps their arguments will help you decide which is better - a stick or a carrot.

Question to a psychologist

My son is 1.5 years old. He is basically a calm boy. But sometimes I just have a feeling of anger and hatred towards him, even if he did nothing of the sort. I start to beat him in the face, hands. Just. After 5 minutes, I feel remorse and cry for a long time, scolding myself for it. I beg your pardon, kiss him. He is all red, crying in choking. I don't touch it for a few days, but then again. I don't drink, I'm not a drug addict, he just whimpers and I start slapping him in the face. If my husband finds out, he will simply kill me. He can rarely raise his voice to his son, and then only when he indulges heavily. And I just start hitting. I sit and cry. I don't need your judgments, I need help. Mom and dad never beat me, dad left us, I was 8 years old, now I'm 26. My husband loves me, my son. In principle, no one ever beat me. The child was not very desirable for me, but my husband really wanted it, and left it for him. Maybe that's why I have breakdowns of aggression? With money in the family, too, there are no special problems. Help please!!!

Psychologists Answers

Olga, apparently, feelings that are not intended for him are "transferred" to the child. Perhaps you are "splashing out" on the child what should really be addressed to your husband or someone else. If you want to understand - work with a psychoanalyst.

Petr Yuryevich Lizyaev - assistance of a medical psychologist, psychoanalyst in Moscow

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Hello Olga! let's see what's going on:

You ask for help, which means you yourself realize that there is something inside you that prevents you from feeling like a mother who can give your child a sense of security, you want to figure it out and help yourself and your child - no one can blame you for this. The main thing is that you do not stop on your way, but start working on yourself, and understanding that if it is difficult and difficult for you, and the child suffers, then you can protect him even from yourself!

sometimes I just have a feeling of anger and hatred towards him, even if he did nothing of the sort. I start to beat him in the face, hands. Just. After 5 minutes, I feel remorse and cry for a long time, scolding myself for it. I beg your pardon, kiss him. He is all red, crying in choking. I don't touch it for a few days, but then again.

often this behavior says that you are facing something inside yourself that you cannot cope with, there is a child nearby - you can see the source of your feelings in him, and projecting your feelings onto him, blaming him for the fact that these feelings come to you - you pour this stream on him. BUT - this suggests that the reason is NOT OUTSIDE, but inside! You need to understand - what you are facing inside yourself, what is happening, what these situations are - perhaps you do not feel comfortable in the role of a mother and start to get lost, start to get angry ON YOURSELF, BUT it's hard to admit to yourself, that's why it happens again projection on the child.

BUT - such behavior forms the image of a mother for a child UNSAFE - and the longer this continues, the more unhealthy relationships will form between you. Therefore, you need to understand what you are losing control over inside yourself, WHAT you begin to feel alone with the child (after all, such a reaction of aggression suggests that at this time you do NOT feel like an ADULT, able to give protection, rather a little girl who herself cannot cope with something inside yourself) - therefore, you have to work ON YOURSELF - observing yourself, realizing your feelings, meeting with yourself, working with the position ADULT-CHILD-PARENT, returning a sense of control over yourself, changing patterns of behavior - this is a difficult path, BUT there is NO other way - everything will not get better by itself, but only get worse and you will run away from yourself even more - so you need to stop! start working on yourself!

The child was not very desirable for me, but my husband really wanted it, and left it for him.

Perhaps then you didn't feel ready for the role of a mother - and now you are faced with this feeling of helplessness within yourself. You can blame the child, the husband for this feeling, because you are afraid to meet yourself. You need to understand - what are you so afraid of as a mother, what situations in communicating with a child frustrates you and be sure to talk with your husband - you will need support from him too! be sure to start working with a psychologist - ONLY PERSONALLY! since such problems involve deep work and only in the format of face-to-face work you can immerse yourself inside, and the psychologist will be able to guide you. You have already taken one step - you were able to write and admit to yourself that this problem exists - then you CAN move on! go....

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

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Psychologist's answer.

Hello Natalia. Your irritation and anger are understandable - a child can simply piss off an adult. But here it is important to understand why exactly you are so annoyed. I understand that if you understand the reasons, it would be easier for you to control yourself. After all, after you hit a child, you experience terrible guilt. As a rule, parents are annoyed by their own impotence and by not understanding what the child wants. You can be offended and annoyed when a child does not obey, does his own thing. After all, then faith in one's own strengths, one's own authority is lost, the feeling of control over the situation disappears. And at this moment the child does not humiliate you and does not offend, but simply tries to declare himself, to determine and understand his place in this world, to show independence, initiative, to indicate his opinion. And it is very important to give him this opportunity. After all, if you constantly suppress your child, sooner or later he will learn to keep his opinion to himself, not to show initiative, to be offended by his parents. This is important to understand. It is also important to understand what else in life you are angry about, but you cannot show direct aggression. If its level is, in principle, high, then the prank or stubbornness of the child can easily “finish off” you, becoming the last straw. It is important to express anger in a targeted way. And the point here is not the child, but it is he who has to take the rap for everything. The child learns to live by looking at you. It is important to just talk and explain, but it is more difficult and longer than just yelling or hitting a child. To negotiate with any person, you need patience, especially with a child. But that's the job of being a parent and being your own personal growth life long. We can learn a lot from children and teach them. Apart from their parents, they have no one yet. A child is the meaning of the life of any parent. This is the biggest and most important thing we have. Why do you not have enough patience for him, for his upbringing? Why is there enough patience for the stupidity and mistakes of other people? It turns out that the child, his life, his interests are not your priority. There is something more important in your life for which you will always have enough patience. There are many ways to help yourself: from a global understanding of the meaning of your life, an analysis of the true state of affairs in your soul, to sometimes the most everyday advice. Perhaps you need to redistribute the time and find time for your personal rest. 15 minutes in the bathroom in the evening is also a rest. This is the time to collect your thoughts, remember the day, what worked and what didn't, time to plan for tomorrow. Perhaps reallocation of time should help allocate an extra half hour for personal time with the children. Not household service child, not classes, lessons, but personal communication, where there is only you and him and you can say what you want and do what you want. By getting to know each other, understanding each other better than before, you will be able to quickly select words and the right reactions to the situations that you have. Patience is a golden quality. It is needed everywhere and everywhere, at work and at home. Breaking down on a child, you break it. But you are breaking yourself. By changing yourself, you help the child to feel the main thing and change himself in his own situations.

Punishment rarely works, but still this method of controlling behavior persists. Parents make excuses: "We don't beat our children, we punish them." What is the difference? If an adult hit another adult, we say “hit”, if a child hit another child, we say “hit”; but when an adult hits a child, we soften the wording by saying "punishes." Punishment is practiced among parents who were brought up in this way as children, and among parents who do not know a better alternative.

1. Hitting breeds hitting
Here's the classic story of a mother who believed punishment was an essential part of parenting until one day she saw her three-year-old daughter beating her one-year-old brother. When they began to scold her, she replied: "I'm just playing mom." This mother never punished her children again.
Children imitate especially those people whom they love and respect. They think it's right to do whatever you do. Parents, remember that you are not only raising a mother or a father, a wife or a husband. The parenting methods that you apply to your children will most likely be applied by them when raising their own children. The family is a training camp where they learn how to resolve conflicts. Research shows that children from families where punishment is practiced are more aggressive in resolving conflicts. Children understand that when a problem arises, it is very easy to solve it with a good blow. A child whose behavior is controlled by punishment transfers this method of communication to relationships with brothers, sisters, peers, and possibly later on to a spouse and descendants.

Verbal and emotional "hit"
You can offend not only by physical impact. Everything we talk about physical punishment refers to verbal and emotional punishment. Reproaches and insults psychologically upset the child. An emotional insult can be very subtle and even hypocritical. Threats of coercion against a child can cause the most big fear-fear of loneliness. (I'll leave if you don't improve.) Often, threats of loneliness are implied (your mode of influencing informs the child that you can't handle him). The scars in the mind last longer than the scars on the body.

2. Physical punishment humiliates the child
A child who acts correctly must feel that he is right. The formation of a child's own internal image begins with how others perceive him, and above all, parents. Even in loving families punishment creates an unfavorable aura, especially for a child who is too young to understand the reason for the punishment. Parents spend a lot of time raising a child. One day a child breaks a glass, you punish him or yell at him and he feels "I'm bad." This is an obvious conclusion, because for small child you are always right. Another obvious conclusion is that the broken glass is more important to you than the glass itself. Of course, the reason you punish the baby is because you are angry, but the child understands this in his own way: mom beats me, so I'm bad. You want to teach him to be attentive. He learns not at all what you think. He understands that he deserved punishment because he is bad.

Even the hugs that parents use to soften the situation cannot remove the bitterness of punishment. The child feels beaten on the outside and inside long after the hug.
Many children view hugs in this situation as a request for mercy: "If I hug him, my father will stop hitting me." However, the punishment is repeated again and again, the whole house seems to be telling the child: "You are weak and defenseless."
Joan, loving mother, I sincerely believe that punishment is the right of parents and is necessary for the upbringing of the child. She believes that "punishment is good for the child himself." After a few months of disciplined upbringing, her child began to withdraw into himself. She saw him alone, playing in the corner and showing no interest in his comrades. He began to avoid eye contact with her. He has lost his vitality. Outwardly, he was good boy". Inwardly, Spencer thought he was bad. He didn't feel right - he didn't do right. Punishment made his feelings smaller and weaker.

hand punishment
How tempting to slap those cheeky little hands! Many parents do this without thinking, but let's look at what happens next. Maria Montesori, one of the zealous opponents of beating children on the hands, believed that children's hands are an instrument for exploration, an instrument of children's natural curiosity. Shaking hands creates a strong negative message. Research supports this idea: hands should not be the subject of physical punishment. Psychologists studied a group of sixteen children, aged fourteen months, who were playing with their mothers. When one group of children tried to take a forbidden item, they were hit on the hands; the other group was not subjected to physical punishment. In follow-up studies seven months later, the punished children were less proficient in environmental exploration. It is better to remove the object from the child so that small hands remain intact. An alternative to punishment is discussed in the Distraction and Substitution section.

3. Punishment humiliates parents
Parents who punish or abuse their children often feel uncomfortable themselves, because deep down they know that they are wrong in applying similar methods education. They feel powerless. Often parents punish their children or yell at them in desperation because they don't know what to do, and then feel even more powerless because the method doesn't work. In the words of one mother who crossed punishment off her list of disciplines, belatedly, “I won the battle, but I remained at war. My child is now afraid of me, and I feel like I have lost something valuable.”
Punishment also diminishes the role of parents. To be an authority figure means to be trusted and respected, but not to inspire fear. Maintaining authority cannot be based on fear. Parents who use punishment to control their child are in a situation of successive losses. This is expressed not only in the fact that the child loses respect for parents, but also parents, developing a system of punishments, leave less space alternative ways education. They give less attention prevention possible violations child behaviors that occur more frequently. The child has no incentive to develop internal self-control - this is another loss for the child.
Punishment worsens the relationship between parents and children. Corporal punishment creates a distance between the punisher and the punished. Our society has already created too many obstacles between parents and children. This distance is very dangerous home environment where the relationship between parents and children may already be strained. It occurs in incomplete or mixed families. Some children are not vindictive, and the punishment does not make visible impressions on their mind and body. Other children find it difficult to feel loved afterwards. Relationships between parents and children suffer, negatively affecting all other relationships in the family.

4. Hitting can be offensive
You hit your arm harder. You have started a game in which there can be no winner. The question that is solved in this case: who is stronger - becomes more important than the problem of the vase. What will you do now? Hitting harder and harder until the child's hand hurts so much that he can't "disobey"? The danger of starting physical punishment is that you are forced to use weapons of increasing strength: first the hand turns into a fist, then the belt comes into action, the folded newspaper is replaced by a wooden spoon. Such an outwardly innocent beginning intensifies the insult to the child. Parents who are programmed for punishment set themselves up to increase the punishment, perhaps because they haven't explored alternatives. They instantly switch to punishment mode when the child's behavior is disturbed.

5. Punishment does not improve behavior.
Many times we have heard from parents: "The more we punish, the more violation of behavior." Punishment makes a child's behavior worse, not better. And that's why. Remember the foundation of good behavior: A child who feels right does the right thing. Punishment destroys this principle. A child who has been punished feels internally that he is wrong, and this is manifested in his behavior. The worse he behaves, the more he is punished, the worse he feels. The circle closes. We want the child to know that they are wrong and repent, but continue to believe that they are the person who matters.
One of the objectives of the action of education is the immediate suppression of violations of behavior, and punishment can do this. But it is more important to bring up the belief in the inadmissibility of misconduct (therefore, internal control is needed more than external). One of the reasons for the ineffectiveness of punishment is that the internal control he has created is effective only after punishment. The child is so offended by physical punishment (and its force) that he forgets the reasons for punishment. Sit next to him and explain what he was punished for to make sure he understood his actions. It could be better and even eliminate the punishment phase itself. The alternative to punishment may be more unpleasant for the child and require a lot of mental effort, time and energy from the parents. From this follows the conclusion about the main reason why parents are inclined to punishment - it's easier.

6. Corporal punishment is not biblical.

There are parents who do not punish their children and children who are not punished. Are there facts in your family history and relationship with the baby, which are fraught with the risk of child abuse? Does your child have personality traits that make punishment inappropriate?

Were you abused as a child?
Do you easily lose control of yourself?
You increase the punishment, but the result gets worse?
Are you punishing more and more?
Is the punishment not working?
Does your child have high needs? Strong will?
Is your child very sensitive?
Is your relationship with your child already distant?
Are there situations that make you angry, such as financial difficulties, difficulties in marital relations Or the fear of losing your job? Do these factors lower your own self-esteem?

If you answered "Yes" to these questions, be wise to avoid corporal punishment in your home, find them worthy replacement. If you can't deal with this problem yourself, contact someone who can help you.
In our opinion, nowhere in the Bible does it say that you must punish your children in order to be believing parents.

7. Physical Punishment Develops Anger in Children and Parents
Children often view physical punishment as an injustice. They are more likely to protest against this type of punishment than against other methods of behavior correction. Children do not think rationally like adults, but they have an innate sense of justice - their standards do not match the standards of adults. If you understand that punishment can and will contribute to the development of anger in a child, you will refuse it. Often the feeling of injustice develops into a feeling of insult. When punishment offends children, they either protest or withdraw into themselves. While the punisher thinks that the child will no longer commit similar offenses, the child will simply be afraid of punishment. Our experience has shown that children who are controlled through punishment appear obedient on the outside, but seethe with anger on the inside. They feel that their individuality has been violated. They are separated from the world, which, in their opinion, is unfair to them. They have difficulty trusting those around them, becoming insensitive to those who were insensitive to them. Parents who examine their feelings after being punished realize that all they have done is free themselves from their anger.
The impulsive release of anger often becomes a habit that closes the cycle of punishment. We found that The best way to give up the desire to punish is to cultivate two beliefs in ourselves: 1) we will not punish our children and 2) we will educate them. Since we have decided that punishment is not a choice, we must find better alternatives.

8 Punishment Brings Back Worst Memories
The memory of a child who is being punished can leave a traumatic mark on pleasant events associated with growth. People are likely to be able to recall traumatic events more often than pleasant ones. I grew up in a very caring home, but I was sometimes subjected to corporal punishment. I remember willow branches well. After my transgression, grandfather told me that he would punish me and sent me to my room. I looked out the window and saw him walking across the lawn picking willow branches. Then he came into my room and began to whip me across the back of my thighs with a willow branch. Probably it was effective tool for beating, because it made a deep impression on me - physical and moral. Although I remember being loved, I don't remember many happy scenes in as much detail as scenes of punishment. I think one of our goals as parents is to fill our children's memory bank with hundreds, perhaps thousands, of enjoyable scenes. It's amazing how the painful memory of punishment can block positive memories.

9. Punishment has lasting negative effects.
Studies have shown that punishment can leave scars deeper and longer than short-term reddening of the buttocks. Here are the results of studies on the long-term effects of corporal punishment.

In a study spanning nineteen years, scientists found that children who were treated with in large numbers corporal punishment were more antisocial and egocentric and that physical abuse became the accepted norm for them as they became teenagers and adults.
College students showed more psychological distress if they were given little praise, more scolding, more punishment, and verbal abuse at home.
A survey of 679 college students found that those who were punished as children used corporal punishment while raising their children. Students who were not punished as children were much easier to adjust to practical work than those who were punished. Students who were punished said they remember how angry their parents were when they punished them. They remembered the punishment itself and the environment in which it took place.
Punishment seems to have more negative long-term effects when it replaces the positive bond between parent and child. The long-term, destructive effects of punishment are lessened if it takes place in a loving and caring home.
A study of the impact of physical punishment on the formation of behavior showed that most often these children are more likely to show aggression towards other family members and peers. Punishment causes less aggression if it is done in a caring family environment, with rational explanations for what the child was punished for.
A study of the effects of hand-beating showed that children who were hand-beaten showed exploratory developmental delays seven months later.
Adults who are frequently exposed physical punishment V adolescence, beat their spouses four times more often than those who were not punished.
Husbands who grew up in strict, intemperate families are six times more likely to beat their wives than men who grew up in quiet families.
More than one in four parents who grew up in intemperate families become so aggressive that they risk hurting their child.
A study of the prison contingent showed that the most serious crimes occur in intemperate families.
The life history of notorious people, murderers, robbers, rapists and other violent criminals, showed that in childhood they were subjected to physical punishment.

The evidence against punishment is impressive. Hundreds of studies have led to the same results:

How more baby subjected to physical punishment, the more aggressive he becomes.
The more a child is subjected to physical punishment, the more likely they are to abuse their children.
Punishment sets the stage for wrong behavior.
Punishment doesn't work.

Alternative to corporal punishment
Here is an example of an alternative to corporal punishment that physically corrects behavioral problems without causing pain. Laura is our family monkey and loves to climb everywhere. One day Marta entered the kitchen and saw Laura, then twenty-two months old, standing on the sideboard, clearing out the condiment cabinet. (She rarely climbed this high without outside help.) Martha quickly grabbed it and lifted it off the sideboard firmly and swiftly, in a way that surprised them both. At the same time, Martha said softly: “This is dangerous! Stay down!" Laura was lightly dressed, so Martha's hands created a weak painful sensation on her bare skin. Laura was surprised. She glared at Martha to detect anger or intent to hurt. Finding neither, she interpreted it as a defense or correction rather than a punishment, so she stopped protesting. Martha's physical impact didn't hurt. Confidence and swiftness, of course, remained in Laura's memory, and she realized once again that Martha is a parent, and she is a child. Laura realized that Martha was her protection. ("Mom can protect me because she's big.") Although this method of protection limited freedom, it did not upset Laura. It is very important for children to receive the message that parents are responsible for them. Young children often have to apply physical force. Some words don't work here.

Book: Your child from birth to 10 years