normal development of relationships. Stages of relations between a man and a woman from the point of view of psychology

"You need to have something in common in order to understand each other, and something different in order to love each other."

Paul Geraldi

Each couple goes through certain stages of relationship development. American psychologists Allyn Bader and Peter Pearson, founders of the Couples Institute in California, argue that lovers go through similar stages of development that occur in a child with a mother.

Kid in early childhood he is not able to separate himself from his mother, while at 4-5 months he recognizes his mother, distinguishes her from unknown people. In the future, the child explores himself through his body, differentiating his physical boundaries. Thus, the child is interested not only in his mother, he also wants to be close to her. With the course of development, the energy of the baby is directed to the outside world. The cub wants to do something without a mother, breaking away from maternal care. At this stage, the autonomy of the baby is more valuable than dependence on the mother.

Over time, having mastered his own independence, the child requires emotional contact with mom, but only in cases own desire. This stage is not always easy for mothers, as they need to recognize when to babysit and when to maintain independence. If this stage is successfully passed, the child develops a sense of individuality, and he is able to create emotional relationships.

Love relationships are like parent-child relationships.

The dynamics of paired relationships includes 4 stages.

Differentiation.

Action stage.

Renewal of relationship.

Symbiosis stage strong in intensity of feelings and reciprocity. The motto of this stage is "We are one", as it is difficult for lovers to part for a short period of time. They think about each other, live with each other and cannot imagine their life otherwise. Beloved is perceived with better side. Similarities between partners are extolled, while differences are not celebrated.

At this stage, lovers care for each other and do not want to change anything.

The psychological goal of this stage is to form the strongest attachment to a partner.

Differentiation.

The partner is taken off the pedestal and subjected to deep study. This stage is the opposite of symbiosis.

Questions of concern at this stage:

How did I not see this before?

Is he like that?

Can we accept that we are different?

Will our relationship survive the aspirations of two different people?

What if we want different things?

For many, this is a period of disappointment, the collapse of hopes and parting with illusions. Differentiation, however, does not mean the end of a relationship. This is a period of restructuring, reassessment of relations.

During this period, the couple does not seek to spend a lot of time together, there is alienation and a desire to increase their own space.

The psychological goal of this stage is to restore the boundaries of each partner.

Partners can experience mutual irritation, anger, anger, annoyance. However, I want to note that the degree of closeness in the union of two people is equal to the level of anger towards each other. In a relationship, it is important to be able to get angry without killing or destroying each other. It is important to be able to live together all these feelings, and not get stuck in them alone.

Action stage. The stage of relationships, when a person's energy is directed to activities, relationships that are not related to a partner. Everyone's attention is focused on the outside world. The development of oneself becomes a priority than the development of close relationships. Partners follow their own goals, they are eager to prove themselves in society. Emotionality and sensitivity at this stage is reduced. Everyone acts in his own way, following his ambitions, not paying attention to the needs of his companion.

Leading questions will be:

What am I?

What am I standing for?

Priority will be the problems of dignity, self-esteem and implementation.

Action stage - normal stage union development. Relations between partners should act as support, approval of personal plans, projects, achievements.

The psychological goal of this stage is the realization of one's personal potential.

Relationship renewal. After a period of reconciliation with their personality, the partners again seek closeness in the relationship. Everyone has established himself in his individuality, in his own development and is aimed at stability, constancy in relationships. Relationships require development in the direction of improving "We" than "I".

At what stage is your couple currently standing? Romanticism? Power struggle? Or maybe stability? Knowing about these stages and their features, you will be able to prepare and pass them successfully without getting stuck on one of them.

Romanticism

This stage characterizes an idealistic view of relationships. The message is: my partner is unique. Being at this stage, lovers usually do not pay attention to differences and seek to merge: "I can not live without you." And therein lies one of the potential dangers.

Wisdom: the ability to see the beauty of another person.

Error: to think that a dream will come true, one has only to wish.

power struggle

The onset of this stage is marked by the recognition of the unfortunate fact: "You are not the / not the one that I thought (a)" or "We are different." This is inevitably followed by frustration and anger: "I will make you become what I want to see!"

At the same stage, a battle of the sexes often occurs: “You are insensitive, like all men!” struggles with "You are hysterical, like all women!"

Wisdom:"I'm different, that's okay."

Error: to believe that we will get what we want by resorting to threats, violence or manipulation.

Stability

The stage of indulgence of partners. We give up pretensions and tolerate the weaknesses of the other. We recognize ourselves and love for who we are. Conflicts lead to development, not to suffering. Everyone pays attention to life outside the couple or to himself.

Wisdom: realism in love.

Error: avoid the unknown - "The world is difficult to conquer, it's not worth the risk, we're good enough."

Responsibility

We refuse to remake a partner and improve him. We look at relationships realistically and recognize that they are not perfect in everything. We are able to love another, although sometimes we do not like what he does. We love ourselves, but we don't expect to be pleased every minute. It gives you the freedom to doubt yourself without getting into a power struggle. It also allows everyone to be responsible for their actions.

Wisdom: responsibility for what you do.

Error: calm down and stop caring about the relationship.

New association

At this stage, we often engage in creativity together - this is a common contribution to the Universe.

Wisdom: connections with other people. Desire to contribute to society. The development of spirituality.

Error: focus all attention on outside world and forget to “nourish” love relationships.

Every couple goes through certain stages in a relationship. In the beginning, everything is romantic, passionate, fun and easy, but there comes a moment when it becomes crowded and not as interesting as before, and sometimes simply unbearable. How do you know where your relationship is heading and what is true love?!

Such a deep feeling as True Love is not easy to build, but successfully and patiently overcoming the difficulties of each of the stages, it becomes possible. Do you want to know at what stage the relationship in your couple is? Then read on.

The first stage is severe hunger

This stage is often called falling in love, passion, candy-bouquet period. This is a very bright, cheerful, eventful period, which he later recalls with such rapture, sometimes with undisguised sadness. It has a lot of emotions, bright and hot; life seethes and boils: you are active as never before, and you seem to not need sleep, rest, food at all ... There would be only one sweet one nearby.

All meetings and calls are long-awaited; in each other's company the world seems better; Time spent together is never enough, no matter how long the date actually lasts. The image of a beloved all the time amuses your imagination, pleasantly exciting your heart. I want to touch him, hug and kiss, and that he was always there ...

At this time, the guy can do crazy things, courteously gallantly, talk tirelessly, want to be side by side all the time, and no matter where. And the girl, in turn, can stand in front of the mirror for several hours before a date with her beloved, she becomes prettier and kinder, her voice changes, becomes even softer and more tender. Lovers show their best qualities, they strive to appear in the most favorable light, and they really both behave exemplarily. Note that it was at this stage that poets and artists (and other creators) composed works of art for their beloved.

The second stage is saturation

Inevitably, there comes a moment of satiety in a relationship: you have enjoyed each other's company and managed to get used to it. At this stage, you can already go somewhere separately (on a visit, to a store, to exhibitions, anywhere); time spent together no longer flies as fast as in the first stage of a relationship. You are interested in your loved one, but the feeling of awe before each meeting and a burning desire to be there every minute is gone.

This stage is also called the stage of equal relations. Everything is going smoothly, quietly, peacefully. You feel good together, calm and comfortable. You are interested in each other's company, but former feeling You no longer have a “hunger” for a loved one. In a word, you still like each other, but you have already managed to get used to the charm of your lover.

Let's say if funny joke you were told by a loved one in the first stage, you would sincerely laugh with a burst of laughter for several minutes, and then you would praise his unique sense of humor. And in the second stage - saturation, you would honor your loved one with a smile and say "Well done, really funny!" The difference is noticeable, right?

The third stage is the stage of disgust

We arrived before the most dangerous period for any relationship - the stage of disgust. This is the most critical dangerous period, which ruined a huge number of happy and harmonious, but weak unions. Most often, this period falls on the notorious three years from the moment of the relationship. Sometimes it can happen even earlier, by the end of the first year of the relationship. And sometimes the first stages can take longer, and the stage of disgust will come in the seventh year of the relationship, but this is quite rare. I would like to note that by this stage, the lovers, most likely, had already managed to officially formalize the relationship, and became spouses.

Most lovers, at the beginning of a relationship, naively believe that they will never have such quarrels and squabbles, as happens with their acquaintances who are at this painful stage. But remember that this stage, sooner or later, will come anyway and it will need to be overcome by joint efforts. It is a pity that a huge number of couples break up on it, without realizing that it is temporary. How long it will last depends on the temperament and wisdom of the lovers.

During this period, everything in a previously loved person can annoy: how he eats, how he walks, how he laughs, how he twists a tube of pasta. Even what you liked about him before can now cause terrible hostility and disgust. And if he does something really bad, for example, swears, screams, is lazy, scatters clothes, and so on, you may experience an attack of acute hostility that borders on hatred. It seems that everything he does, he does out of spite, on purpose, to unbalance, annoy and annoy.

Those who find themselves at this stage believe that they made a mistake in a person, that he pretended to be another. Often, they decide to leave, because the joint happiness and pleasure has sharply become scarce, it is simply not enough for a normal life. life together. But quarrels, scandals and reproaches have become more than ever. Being at this stage in a relationship, a person thinks that love has passed without a trace. But what a delusion...

The fourth stage is the stage of patience and forgiveness

This stage comes after one of the spouses realized that it is still possible to somehow measure the shortcomings of the once beloved person. Usually this person in a pair turns out to be smarter, wiser, or simply mature.

Gradually, patiently enduring the shortcomings of the spouse, the understanding comes that it is better to start with yourself. The kinder and gentler you behave, the more he, in principle, answers.

At this stage, there is a deep work with your own egoism, when you redefine the concept of love, marriage and relationships. You sincerely begin to notice a person, his needs and requirements, you get to know him again and, for the first time, the real one. There is no longer a trail of love in a relationship, but there is an understanding of one's responsibility to a person (a sense of duty; responsibility to children; decency and traditional ideals of loyalty and devotion).

At this stage, there is a calm acceptance of a real person with his features, character and tastes. there are no special pleasures yet, but anxiety and irritation have become many times less. You no longer start with a half turn.

It is during this period that the understanding comes that a loved one does not have to be my copy, that he is a separate and unique person, with his own needs and desires. At this stage, couples rarely break up, as the relationship is slowly moving towards true feelings - love.

Fifth stage - the stage of fulfillment of duties

It is from this moment that true love begins to emerge. When a person realizes his obligation to fulfill his duty to his spouse. Realizing, even at the last stage, the uniqueness of his soulmate, the presence of own needs, interests and desires, comes the understanding that it is necessary to take care of him and fulfill his duties.

Every couple and family is unique. But in general terms, if we are talking about a woman, then she understands the importance of performing in front of her husband women's duties for the protection of the family hearth - caring for children, maintaining one's own attractiveness, cooking, cleanliness in the house, and so on. A man comes to understand how important it is to provide a family with everything necessary, to protect from external problems and hardships, and so on.

The sixth stage is the stage of divine friendship

This is a quivering stage when warm, cozy heart-to-heart conversations come to the house. When it is interesting together again, but not just greedily and passionately, but with great respect and devotion to the person. It's much more valuable, knowing a person from cover to cover, respect him and be interested in him, trust him and be inspired. This is a wonderful stage: bright, kind, sincere, like in fairy tales. And the couple who are on it come close to true love.

At this stage, people become relatives. Spouses turn into the most devoted and best friends for each other. They are inseparable, cheerful and friendly. It is nice to look at such families, you can admire them and take an example from them: they have already experienced so much (the stage of disgust), but they stayed together, they feel good next to each other. But it's not love yet.

The seventh stage is the stage of divine love

Most best description such love is given in the bible:

Love endures for a long time, is merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not act outrageously, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything. Love never ends…

We wish everyone to proudly go through all the stages described above and find True Love!

Any couple, entering into a relationship, believes and hopes that all life will pass like honeymoon in idyllic and romantic love, without quarrels and bickering. However, this is not the case. Any union sooner or later goes through natural crisis stages or stages of relations. In psychology, there are different interpretations of the stages through which relationships go. The most popular and interesting system is described and originates from general psychology.

Today, the concept of “7 stages of love” is widely used in practice in the psychology of marriage and family. It is important to note that most pairs go through these stages asynchronously. This phenomenon depends on many factors, such as age or temperament of partners. Basically, the passage of the entire cycle, especially its last stages, takes at least ten years.

Also, very often, psychologists distinguish only 3 stages of relationships: the month of falling in love, the struggle with selfishness, true feelings. In reality, there are more of these stages, but not all of them go through all of them for one reason or another.

"Chemistry of love", or hunger

The stage lasts approximately eighteen months. It is characterized by a languid, exciting expectation of calls and meetings. The first stage of a relationship is accompanied by the production of endorphins, hormones of pleasure, blocking and negative emotions in the brain. Increased activity observed in the areas of the brain responsible for desire, stimulus, attraction, subordination. Interestingly, when studying this particular stage of relations, scientists have identified unusual fact. The activity of brain areas in a person in love and similar areas of a drug addict who has taken cocaine look almost identical.

It is very important that the stage of falling in love, or as it is called hunger, does not last more than eighteen (in exceptional cases twenty) months. Otherwise, the body may face nervous and physical exhaustion, up to weight loss.

Psychologists advise not to make any important decisions during this period, as soon the incredible feeling of euphoria may pass, and love will be replaced by satiety.

Satiation

The stage of pacification of feelings and an even, calm attitude towards a partner. Necessarily comes to replace the first stage. The saturation stage begins at cohabitation when gradually lovers begin to notice not only the advantages, but also the shortcomings of each other. If there are many shortcomings, and the partners are not ready to change and make concessions, then the relationship ends at this stage.

The satiety stage lasts from two to three months to a year. At this stage of the relationship, men are more vulnerable and emotional than women. They quickly become bored with monotony, they want something new. It is at this stage that thirty percent of men cheat on their partners. What ultimately leads to the Satiation stage ends when the partners already fully trust each other, i.e. separately go to visit, theaters, museums.

Disgust or rejection

Mandatory stage of long-term, strong relationship. Lasts from six months to two years. This stage implies two options for the development of the life of lovers:


For many, this stage turns into a complete disappointment in the chosen one. There is a separate category of people who each time break off relations at the stage of disgust, thinking that everything will be different with a new person. However, reaching the third stage, they are again disappointed in the chosen one and in Once again go in search of ideal relationship. Some couples find a way out in the third stage, after violent quarrels, to return to the first stage of "hunger".

Another constructive option at the stage of disgust is a marriage built on profit, or economic relations. The stages of economic relations arise when total absence love, respect, empathy. Such an alliance is based on some kind of benefit: common children, home, life. The only one correct option the end of the stage of disgust - the birth of love.

Patience

The stage of the relationship crisis, at which many couples turn to a psychologist for advice, begin to read special literature, attend various trainings or seminars. Very often the fourth stage coincides with the crisis of the third year of marriage. Relationships become more everyday, the former ardor and passion disappear. If a child appears, then the woman pays almost all attention to him.

Priorities are changing, new joint goals appear, now these are children, joint life, property. Passion fades into the background. There is tolerance for one's neighbor, acceptance of him as he is. Quarrels are no longer so significant, the couple more and more often comes to a common compromise instead of disagreements. At the stage, there is understanding, patience, the realization that you need to change yourself, adapts to your partner, since a break at this stage can cause a divorce.

Service, or the first stage of love

At the initial stage of a relationship, it may seem to lovers that they are already in love, as they are ready to do something with disinterested joy for their partner at any time. However, as soon as the “cloud” of endorphins dissipates and a person begins to be guided by his true beliefs, the so-called love and selfless desire to satisfy the needs of a partner will disappear. It is at this stage of the relationship that the other person is perceived not as a source of pleasure, but as an object of service and worship.

The stage of service may last up to three or four years, or it may not come at all. It is at the end of the fifth stage that respect for the partner and the transition to true friendship are born.

Respect and true friendship

The stage of heart-to-heart conversations. At this stage, the partners become the closest friends. Restraint goes away, it is replaced by an exchange of thoughts, genuine feelings and emotions. The couple jointly overcomes all life's trials, supports each other. Quarrels and disagreements fade into the background and practically do not arise. The stage of respect depends directly on the previous stage, that is, on service. Stage true friendship lasts three to six years.

Interestingly, this is the only stage that may not be replaced by the seventh stage, but coexist with it.

Love

Most unions between a man and a woman die after the third stage, while love begins to emerge only at the fifth stage. This is a long-awaited reward for those who patiently went through all the stages of a relationship, caring and respecting each other. At this level, the couple understands each other without words. It is noteworthy that the stage of love often coincides with the time when the children have already grown up and the couple can shine all the time only for themselves, they can even return to the first stage of the “love chemistry” relationship with all its passion, dedication, awe and excitement.

Love is a reward, and it is to this stage of the relationship between a man and a woman that one needs to go long and painstakingly, not only accepting the partner’s shortcomings, but also changing oneself.

Outcome

Considering the stages of development of relationships, we can conclude that the process of relationships itself plays a significant role not only for a man and a woman, but also for their children. Some couples are unique in that their relationship stages occur at the same time or have characteristics of several stages at once.

In the second and third stages, it is important not to allow harsh, aggressive and physical attacks from the partner during quarrels. The existence of cruelty in a couple cannot contribute to the creation of a strong union and the acquisition of love. In order to avoid a breakup or divorce during the parenting phase, it is important to find time for solitude, activities joint affairs, walks. Otherwise, when the children leave the house, it may turn out that a stranger is nearby, and not a loved one.


How often, after a few months of a relationship, a partner declares that he is madly in love with the other half and ready to spend the rest of your life?

Can a relationship that lasts several months be called true love?

Psychologists say that the true feeling of love comes only after years of living together and on the way to it. couple goes through several stages. What are the stages of love in a relationship?

Is it true that there are seven stages of real feeling?

According to psychologists, every couple goes through several stages of a relationship. on the way to a real and deep love feeling.

Each stage can take a different time period, it depends on the depth of affection for each other, on the similarity of character, temperaments and some other features of the relationship.

Psychologists have developed a template consisting of seven stages that almost every married couple goes through. Of course, it is impossible to fit all relations, without exception, under this template, for each partner everything is individual.

The relationship of some couples is characterized by cyclicity: after passing through three initial stages the couple can return to the first step, kindling new feelings for each other and reviving a new round of love.

About the stages of development of love in psychology in this video:

Stages and their characteristics

There are 7 steps that couples in love overcome on the way to a real feeling of love. Every stage characterized by its own characteristics.

Love

AND candy-bouquet period. The duration of the very first stage of falling in love usually about a year or a year and a half.

At this time, the partners do not notice the shortcomings, they are blinded strong feeling love, everything seems to them wonderful and beautiful in the character of a loved one.

The beloved appears in the most unreal light when no attention is paid to negative character traits.

Scientists who have studied the first period of a relationship have given it the name "love chemistry." At this time, hormones, oxytocin and endorphin, are actively produced, completely capturing the consciousness of lovers.

Actively produced substances suppress attempts at rational thinking and block the appearance of negative emotions. Man is completely taken over euphoria in love.

Partners try every free time spend together, communicate a lot, call up, often confess their love. Their lexicon is half affectionate and tender words addressed to a loved one.

Most often, this stage ends with the registration of marriage, because people “fly on the wings of love” and want to legalize their relationship as soon as possible in order to indicate their status to society.

What stages does a person in love go through? About it in the video:

Satiation

After marriage and the beginning of a life together, the stage of satiety usually comes. Primary strong love starts to subside, hormones no longer rage, and brain function resumes as normal.

Each of the partners begins to pay more attention to other areas of their lives, wants to communicate with friends, work closely.

In this period the first conflicts begin.

Often they are associated with the fact that one of the lovers has already switched to new stage love, while the second partner still remained at the stage of falling in love.

He wants to spend a lot of time with his beloved and begins to take offense, not meeting more such impulses on his part. Conducting a joint life turns love into something ordinary and familiar, a loved one is always there, so there is satiety.

It is during this period that partners begin to discover each other's shortcomings. This is not because negative character traits were carefully hidden before, but because of the resumption of normal brain function, not burdened by the release of hormones and endorphins.

Most often, the saturation period takes a very short period of time and is invisible to the spouses themselves. Sometimes it can change places with the first stage of falling in love, especially if newborns appear in this period in a newly-made family.

Disgust

The third stage starts a real difficult test for a relationship, as the period of disgust comes into its own.

The "pink" perception of the partner is replaced real assessment of his character.

It turns out that the beloved has many shortcomings that begin to lead to irritation and rage.

Cute features no longer seem so funny and interesting, they they start to freak out. During this period, dignity fades into the background and becomes almost invisible.

Spouses must go through the stage of disgust in order to reach the state of true love. Without this stage, the offensive true feeling impossible.

The duration of the period of disgust in each family is individual, the lucky ones experience unpleasant feelings for each other for only a few months, and for some it drags on for years, sometimes being replaced by the above steps of relations.

The period of disgust is the richest in quarrels, scandals and conflicts. Each partner shows himself from the most unattractive side, saying a large number of claims and pointing out the significant shortcomings of a loved one.

With the advent of each new day, it seems that the person with whom you share life is not the one who was needed. It is at this stage that many realize that they no longer want to go through life hand in hand, this realization is followed by divorce.

Many couples go around in circles, constantly going through the three stages and not moving on. For this reason former spouses often get back together and even marry again, because they are attracted to each other.

How to overcome the stage of disgust in a relationship? Helpful hints:

Humility

If the couple managed to overcome the general disgust, a more pleasant period begins - humility.

People living together understand that it is impossible to change another person that he is an accomplished person with his own set of advantages and disadvantages. They try to accept each other.

The partners’ apartment no longer looks like a battlefield, where fierce battles take place every day, but like a meeting room, where conscious dialogues are most often heard and the word “compromise” is regularly heard.

It is at this stage that the spouses begin to go to a psychologist, read smart books, trying to understand each other. Each partner understands that in order to create harmonious union first of all, he must work on himself, and only then ask for compromise changes from his beloved.

People begin to change so that coexistence becomes more comfortable. It is believed that humility and the manifestation of patience especially for women as more wise and flexible by nature.

Most often, it is the spouse who pushes the man to the stage of humility, showing by her example how to adapt to each other.

Respect

After the stage of humility comes respect, selfless service to a partner.

If earlier lovers did something pleasant for each other, expecting the same attitude in return, now good deeds become disinterested.

People seek to please only because the other half is respected, because she is precious.

At this stage of movement towards true love, the soul itself is eager to please the partner. People truly value each other and are imbued with respect.

Spouses serve each other completely voluntarily, getting great pleasure because the other half is happy. Sometimes one of the partners is already moving to the stage of respect, and the second one is delayed at the previous stage.

By disinterested deeds, the spouse who stepped over a new edge, pushes the beloved to move to the stage of respect.

The first sign of the emerging true love is the desire for sincere and selfless service to the partner.

Friendship

Friendship replaces the stage of respect. Usually, by this period, the couple experienced many life difficulties that were solved shoulder to shoulder.

Partners know each other from hair roots to fingertips, they know each other's character, habits and temperament.

From conflict situations they go out without noisy showdowns, it is enough for them to talk and everything will be decided peacefully.

This stage can continue for years and decades, when the spouses find peace of mind in a shared society.

Most often it comes when the children grow up and the spouses have more time for joint classes and entertainment.

They can finally devote much more time to each other than before, when small children needed them every minute.

Love

Few make it to the very last peak, which is called love. Many break down at the stage of disgust and cannot reach the true feeling. Couple on the stairs of love understands each other perfectly, partners breathe and live in unison.

Joint society gives them pleasure and brings peace. Spouses accept each other completely, with all the advantages and disadvantages.

No more naughty hormones, no longer annoying flaws, they flattened and outweighed by virtues which are becoming more and more pronounced.

If people have reached this stage, having overcome all difficulties, having stepped over the stage of disgust, they can say with all their courage that they truly love each other.

How does love live? Ingenious psychological cartoon:

Through the eyes of psychologists

The original ardent love actually still far from true love. In our society, the concepts of "falling in love" and "love" are often confused.

Far from all couples get to true love, someone lacks the patience and strength to overcome all the obstacles that appear on the way. Many get stuck in the stages of disgust, unable to reach humility and calm passions.

Such couples break up most of the time. This can happen forever, but in some cases, the partners converge again, returning the first stage of falling in love.

They begin to go through all the stages again, again getting to disgust, which leads to a new separation, or is successfully overcome a second time.

Maintaining good relationships very hard work which is not available to everyone.

On the way to true love, there are a large number of obstacles that must be overcome in order to find peace and tranquility in the family.

All happy couples once passed the stages of satiety and disgust, in order to "grow" great love from a seed to each other.

Is it true that love lasts 3 years? Find out from the video: