Love attachment. bad or good? Love is not an easy burden; affection only comes easy when you are together
For many young girls, the desire to experience true love becomes almost the goal of a lifetime. Of course, over time, this desire subsides somewhat, but while the age is young, many people want to know how to distinguish love from affection?
Substitution of concepts
In many fairy tales and films, love is positioned with emotional state, which comes suddenly and makes a person do things that were previously unusual for him. With age comes the understanding that such a state can rather be called love or affection, but not a cherished word.
Young people often confuse these two concepts, because affection is somewhat, but similar to love.
But if you understand it better, then the real feeling is not built on passion and mutual sexual attraction. If under all this there is no mutual respect and even the slightest common interests, then such a relationship will not last long. It's not for nothing that they say that love lives for three years.
But in fact, this expression is more applicable just to attachment. Therefore, it is so important to understand what is between you: love or affection.
How to understand what you are experiencing?
Today it is not uncommon for young people to marry and then file for divorce a year later. And it’s good if during this time a child has not appeared in such a family, because children suffer the most from divorce. And it's great if between a couple they remain friendly relations, but it could also be the other way around.
Therefore, it is important to understand how and how love differs from attachment, so as not to take a rash step. Actually, it's not that hard to do.
There are several criteria, by answering which you can already understand what connects people - real love or simply attachment (commitment, habit, etc.). And before listing them, I would like to focus on one important point- in order to really understand whether this is love or affection, each criterion should be approached objectively.
All moments should be taken into account, and not selectively.
So, let's start the evaluation of feelings:
- What keeps near a loved one? If the main focus is on external data, for example, a figure or face, then this is definitely nothing more than superficial emotions. But when one understands inner world his partner, without hesitation, can name the strengths or weaknesses of the CHARACTER, then there is already an assessment of the beloved as a person. At the same time, a person is accepted as he is, with all his shortcomings, only then can this be called a deep, sincere feeling. Although in the second case, external parameters play an important role, but as they say: “ If you are not ashamed to go out with your "monster" to people, then this is a real feeling.»;
- How many character traits can you name in your half? If this is affection, then the guy / girl usually calls 2-3 features, and they have a “superficial” character. For example, stunning smile or beautiful walk. But these are not criteria. If a person experiences "magic feelings", then he can say that his loved one always finds words of support in Hard time or after a hard day's work, he stands at the stove or at the sink, so that his half can rest. In fact, everyday life has always helped to test people's feelings. It is important not only to find these qualities, but also to understand whether they are really attractive and have value for the relationship;
- And what was at the very beginning? Habits or attachments arise almost instantly, enough for them external factors(smiles, figures, beautiful eyes etc.). But as regards wonderful feeling, then it arises against the background of common interests. The more we get to know a person, the more we become attached to him. Of course, judging objectively, one can say that superficial emotions become the basis for a more serious feeling. But whether one develops into the other, it all depends on many factors;
- How much serious interest? Attachment, like a sublime feeling, tends to flare up and fade away. This is based on the fact that such a fickle feeling does not have a deep response in the soul, so people can often get annoyed with each other even over trifles. But love is more profound. A loving person, before making a scandal, will think about the motives for the behavior of his half: why did he act one way or another, and did he have a choice;
- To what extent does the feeling make you change? To understand the difference between these two states, it is worth evaluating yourself objectively. The person you love does
remark and what is the reaction here? Of course, you should not discount the character, because there are people who absolutely do not know how to admit their mistakes and shortcomings. But if there is a sincere interest in the relationship, then the person forces himself to change. In addition, a real feeling inspires and inspires. A loving person, inspired by such a feeling, is ready to perform millions of tasks and does not even notice his fatigue; - Attitude towards others. Love doesn't blind. It helps to re-evaluate your outlook on life. The lover, on the other hand, concentrates all his attention on the object of affection, while the people around him become “secondary”, which often causes quarrels and conflicts. Real feelings should not interfere with the development of relationships with others - friends and relatives. It is impossible for a person to become an addiction, because of which the whole world loses its meaning;
What feelings overwhelm the soul when you have to part with your loved one? Of course, separation, even if not for long, is always marked by sadness. But if a person begins to tear his hair out and falls into depression, because of this, then it is already abnormal. The difference between love and such attachment-dependence is that a person must adequately assess situations. In addition, it is worth looking at it from the other side: distance is a great opportunity to test feelings. After all, if the relationship is superficial, then soon everything will fade away and people will realize that they are not made for each other;- The frequency of conflicts. Psychologists note the moment that a quarrel is compensation for the absence common themes for a conversation. Attachment is always accompanied by a huge amount of disagreement, and it is not necessary that there is a good reason for quarrels. Otherwise, the couple seeks to understand each other, which is why they make mutually beneficial concessions. Accordingly, this avoids scandals;
- Personal assessment of the relationship. It is not in vain that there is such an expression that where there is love, there are no possessions of “I”, there is only “WE”. If a person constantly talks about himself, then this is attachment, and when he thinks for both, then it is more deep state. But there is a very thin line between caring and despotism. It is impossible to constantly decide for your soulmate, otherwise there is a risk of suppressing her personality. And this can sooner or later lead to a break in relations;
- Is there any benefit in these relationships? Falling in love, like love, is always based on some kind of benefit. It can be not only the material side, but selfish. For example, you have handsome man, so let all the girlfriends envy you.
True love differs from false feelings in that, first of all, you try to make your partner happy, “ and if he's good, then I'm fine».
No, probably more popular topic in film and television than love. All soap operas just overwhelmed with so-called "romantic love". This theme is celebrated even in songs.
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Photo gallery: How to distinguish love from affection?
We are constantly haunted by the idea that love is the only thing that can matter. But how to distinguish love from affection?
One popular author describes how almost all people think of romantic love in this way: “Love is an incomprehensible obsession that comes from nowhere and immediately completely covers you like measles. You recognize it intuitively. If this feeling is real, you will "It's easy to distinguish and you won't have to guess for a long time. You will see it, without any doubt. Love is so important that you have to give up everything for it. It is believed that it is excusable for a man to leave his lawful wife for the sake of love, for a girl it is excusable to leave children and home, the king - his throne. She always comes suddenly, and you can not do anything. She is simply not subject to man. "
However, this is not true love! True love not like that. Attachment really comes suddenly and you can't do anything about it. However, true love is selfless and devoted love. She hangs on to it. You may wonder why you need to know the difference between love and affection. The reason is this: knowing the differences will keep you from committing possible error. Every year, millions of couples with burning eyes go to the registry office and solemnly swear to love each other until the end of their lives. For most of them, marriage really becomes a desirable acquisition. For others, it is simply tolerable. However, for half of these couples, marriage turns into a real misfortune. After a while, they slowly begin to realize that they absolutely cannot stand each other.
What's the matter then? The difference is that some couples decide to build their marriage on true love, while others choose only on attachment, which is, at its core, false love.
Is it possible to distinguish love from affection?
During the "gold rush" some miners believed that they "attacked the vein." However, later, to their great disappointment, they learned that their acquisition was not true gold, but a simple mineral called pyrite. Outwardly, pyrite is very similar to gold, but it has absolutely no value. It is also sometimes called "fool's gold".
It has already been said that it is quite difficult to tell the difference between true love and affection. However, now you will learn ten main criteria that can help you accurately determine whether your feeling is real gold of true love or "gold for fools." Before we look at these important questions you need to know the following:
1. The order of these "keys" is absolutely irrelevant. Any one of them has the same meaning as all the others.
2. These criteria cannot be adopted selectively. You must take into account all 10.
Key 1: What exactly attracts you?
Attachment: If you're passionate, you're more likely to be interested in your partner's physique. A figure and a beautiful face are, of course, very attractive signs, but do not forget that appearances are deceiving. She looks like wrapping paper in which the gift was wrapped. It is difficult to judge from it what exactly is inside the box.
Love: When your love is real, you are interested in the personality of your partner as a whole. Of course, in your feelings there will also be a physiological attraction, but only along with many other qualities.
Key 2: How many different qualities attract you in a person?
Attachment: As a rule, the amount of these qualities is small, but they can greatly affect you. A guy, for example, can simply go crazy with the usual smile or walk of his girlfriend.
Love: If you love truly, then you are attracted to all or most of the traits in the other person. Each of us has a lot characteristic features, their opinions and opinions. How many qualities can you see in another, and how many of them do you find attractive? This is very important, because when the first rapture is over, you will need to have a lot of common interests.
Key 3: Do you remember the beginning of it all?
Attachment: Attachment appears quickly. There simply cannot be true love at first sight, but affection can flare up at first sight.
Love: True love always comes slowly. It can not be in any other way. You have to get to know a person before you can truly love them, so it takes time, a lot of time. Otherwise, it is impossible to really know anyone.
Key 4: Is your interest consistent?
Attachment: If you are attached, your interest fades and then flares up again. One of the main reasons is that attachment comes too quickly and therefore its roots are not deep. In general, your relationship is pretty superficial.
Love: If you truly love, your feelings will be more tender and warm than they will fluctuate from cold indifference to passionate passion. They will become more permanent. True love matures slowly, but its roots are deep.
Key 5: Does this feeling affect you a lot?
Attachment: Attachment usually has a disruptive effect on your life. Romantic feelings completely take possession of you, and you walk completely immersed in dreams. You may be throwing everything you do. Simply, you are not yourself, so you become irresponsible, neglect your duties.
Love: When your love is true, most of your best qualities. You try to do everything as much as possible and as good as possible. You are inspired by your love. You are covered. Your creative energy manifests itself in the greatest way.
Key 6: During a relationship, how do you treat others?
Attachment: If you are attached, for you the whole world revolves around only one person, other people seem absolutely unimportant to you. Your feeling becomes the key in life. It's the only thing that matters to you right now.
Love: If you truly love, your beloved is the most important person in the world for you. However, at the same time, relationships with friends and relatives do not lose their significance, but, on the contrary, acquire a different meaning and other “shades”.
Key 7: Do breakups affect you?
Attachment: The best test for feelings is the test of distance. When you're just attached, distance and time will kill your feeling. Someday another person who is nearby will replace your loved one, who remained only in the photograph.
Love: If you love, then in the absence of a loved one, your feelings only intensify. During separation, you seem to lose your part. Another, even the most seductive person, cannot replace your loved one.
Key 8: Do you swear often?
Attachment: If you are attached, you swear. Of course, you quickly reconcile, but soon a new quarrel appears. You become like porcupines in the cold. If they are apart, they are both shaking from the cold, but it is enough for them to snuggle up to each other, they prick each other with needles. You are probably arguing because you simply have nothing to talk about. Discord, tears and "romantic" reconciliation only relieve you of despondency.
Love: If you truly love, disagreements may appear, but love knows how to survive them, quarrels become less serious and frequent. Both of you will gradually learn to give in to each other, in order to stay together, you will learn to understand and accept each other as you are.
Key 9: How do you see the relationship?
Attachment: If you are attached, you tend to think of yourself and your partner as two people, and therefore use words in your speech and thoughts: "I", "mine", "me", "him", "he" ". You tend to think of you as two separate individuals.
Love: If you really love, you usually say: "we", "us", "our". You consider you to be one.
Key 10: Are you selfless or selfish?
Attachment: A man can date beautiful woman, just because it may flatter his own vanity, raise his prestige. She is quite possibly capricious and spoiled, but since she is the "queen" of the office, he is very pleased to be with her. In the same way, a woman may keep a guy "on a leash" not because she is really interested in him, but because her partner's devotion raises her price in the eyes of others. You are more worried about yourself, wondering "will he make me happy?". You are most likely worried about whether you can get something out of this relationship.
Love: If you really love, then it’s even hard for you to imagine that such thoughts will even come to mind. You always try to do your best to please the other. You are primarily interested in what you can give rather than receive.
Rationally evaluate your emotions.
After reading these top ten tips, you may already have come to an opinion about your feelings. But there is no need to rush. You need to check everything more carefully, because it is very serious question.
In almost all cases, testing feelings based on these ten criteria expresses a mixture of love and infatuation. Therefore, I suggest that you evaluate each individual key by ten-point scale: 0 means affection, and 10 means true love.
Carefully master the keys, starting with the first one, and evaluate your own emotions for each of them. No need to rush!
For example, looking at Key Ten, you might decide, "To be completely honest, I was primarily interested in physical attractiveness, so I'll give myself two points here." So, get to work!
Let's check the results.
If you rate your relationship on these points, then add up the scores. And let's take a closer look at what came out of it.
80 points and above. This result shows that feelings are quite reliable. But this does not mean that tomorrow there will be a wedding. It's no secret that love must be mutual. It is essential not only how much you love a person, but he must also experience the same reciprocal feelings. Therefore, he also needs to pass this test.
From 50-80 points. You need some time to carefully see how the relationship develops. Have more patience.
Less than 50 points. You need to think very seriously about your relationship. You're probably just infatuated. IN given state You can make a lot of mistakes or lose everything. Don't panic and don't rush. Be brave and make the right decision.
Do not rush.
Don't forget that time is your most best friend in resolving the issue: is your feeling of affection, or is it true love. Therefore, take your time, let time pass, a sufficient amount of time, before you make one of the most important decisions in your life.
It is love that generates affection, because a loving person cannot but experience it in relation to the object of his love. He misses being apart and cannot imagine life without his soulmate. If love and affection exist in harmonious unity, they contribute to the creation of a long and beautiful union of two loving hearts.
Habit or attachment as a substitute for love
It happens that, a few years after meeting or getting married, love leaves, leaving room only for habit or affection. Attachment is even capable of giving the illusion of love for a while. People who experience it still need each other, they are pleased to be around, the presence of a loved one in their life brings a sense of harmony and security. At the same time, in a relationship there is no longer the former reckless passion, boundless admiration for a loved one. She doesn't give those vivid emotions that only love can bring to life.If a person begins to notice shortcomings in his partner that irritate him, then he experiences only affection or habit, but not love. Attachment and habit are often identified with each other, but these are perhaps different feelings. If affection still involves some kind of warmth, tenderness and desire to take care of close person, then the habit can be reduced only to coexistence, accompanied by mutual boredom and unwillingness to change anything for fear of losing a certain comfort.
The easiest way to distinguish love from habit or attachment is to be apart for a while. loving people they will suffer in separation, strive for each other, and the longer it continues, the stronger the desire to see their loved one as soon as possible will increase. If the relationship was based on habit or affection, they will gradually begin to experience mutual cooling, and the desire to see each other will quickly disappear.
Love and affection are the feelings that every person experiences for their other half. Sometimes it's hard to understand your heart and find fine line in a relationship. Psychologists point to the close relationship of these concepts. They cannot be replaced with each other. Interacting, love and affection provide a strong union of two people. Relationships built only on affection are short-lived. Sooner or later they will destroy even the happiest family.
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Love and affection
Before understanding what distinguishes these two feelings, it is necessary to understand what lies behind each of them. Famous philosophers, poets, writers and composers talked about love, but in order to understand what it is, you need to experience it yourself. It is distinguished from other feelings by absolute disinterestedness, the absence of negative emotions and motives. This is a sincere desire to see a happy loved one.
Love breeds affection.
Relationships in which these feelings are woven together, filled with harmony and state absolute happiness. Attachment is manifested in the fact that people miss each other during long separation. Loneliness is unthinkable for them. If there is no love in the relationship, but only affection, they will not last long. This is a physical need in a person, incomparable with love, which gives wings behind one's back. Absence sincere feelings creates an imaginary feeling of love - a mirage that one day will completely dissolve.
The Soviet poet Vladimir Levy wrote a poem that begins with the lines: "Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection is measured by the pain of farewell." These lines reveal the essence of feelings, the line between which is so difficult to distinguish, especially at the very beginning of a relationship.
How to distinguish love from infatuation
How to deal with your feelings?
There are criteria, with an objective approach to which one can distinguish love from affection:
- 1. Love is absolutely selfless, it does not know the pronoun "I". In marriage, spouses show sincere concern and affection for each other. A man does not have the thought that regular cleaning and cooking is the responsibility of his wife. He gratefully accepts her work around the house and offers her his help. If a person feels only attachment to another, then personal convenience for him will remain a priority.
- 2. Love is hard work, attachment is some kind of agreement or habit based on mutual needs and interests. Loving people face trials that can only be overcome if their feelings are sincere.
- 3. Love frees a person, gives him joy. Attachment makes him a jealous owner. Often in such relationships there is unreasonable jealousy. One of the reasons for the appearance of this feeling is the unwillingness to lose a person next to whom it is “convenient” and “comfortable”.
- 4. A loved one is a source of inspiration, thanks to which there are strengths for accomplishments. Attachment is the constant fear of losing your partner. Fear often breeds jealousy, incredulity, obsessive thoughts. The love scene is a demonstration of inner uncertainty. This clear sign that a person is afraid of losing his power.
- 5. The presence of so-called "rituals" will help determine the characteristics of the relationship. A joint trip to relatives, gifts for significant dates regular attendance at various events. All this is evidence that for a person in the first place are not feelings, but outer side relations. He is not interested that his half does not want to support these rituals. He ceases to reckon with her interests and dictates his own rules of conduct. Such communication will not last long, because every person appreciates freedom and does not tolerate being limited in it.
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I was especially depressed by the eyes, surrounded by large wrinkles plus dark circles and swelling. How to remove wrinkles and bags under the eyes completely? How to deal with swelling and redness?But nothing ages or rejuvenates a person like his eyes.
What is love? What is true love between a man and a woman?How to understand whether it is love, or something else - attraction, love, friendship, just a habit, or even a painful addiction?
Which love is stronger, based on friendship or mutual physical attraction?
What is true love?
Similar questions have long been asked by poets, scientists and, at least once in a lifetime, each of us.
The real difficulties in understanding each other, the test of time, overcomes the doubt in the unambiguity of choosing this particular person among all possible contenders for the heart and place in life next to you.
The famous American psychologist Robert Sternberg, after his many years of research, came to the conclusion that true love has three components. By the way, his triangular model of love withstood all possible and impossible criticisms and was recognized as the closest to reality. So three mandatory components of true love are:
- Frankness or, as this component is also called, sincerity, trust, understanding, intimacy, desire to help each other, common feelings, mutual sympathy. It is the ability and desire to show one's true face partner without fear and fear of being misunderstood, rejected, ridiculed, condemned. At the same time, it is not necessary that you approve of all the thoughts and actions of a loved one. You know him well and understand why he thinks and acts this way. Or at least want to understand. Intimacy at the level of feelings is the emotional component of love.
Physical attraction, desire, or subjective attractiveness of a partner of the opposite sex. This is exactly the form of communication that can only be between these two men and women. It is not inherent in friendship or other forms of love, for example, related ones. Physical attraction fuels romantic feelings, has a stimulating effect on relationships and is a source of pleasure. This is the motivational component of love.
Loyalty, devotion, the obligation to be together, the desire to share the present and future with a loved one. This includes a conscious intention and a conscious decision to remain faithful to your chosen one, despite the difficulties in the relationship. To love this particular person, despite the existence of other attractive objects of the opposite sex. This is the cognitive component of love.
So, true love includes frankness, physical attraction and fidelity.
How to distinguish true love from falling in love? There are two types of falling in love - infatuation and romantic love. The first is more inherent in physical attraction and to a lesser extent - frankness, sincerity, mutual trust. romantic love includes both physical attraction and trust, understanding, common feelings. Whether falling in love develops into true love depends on the desire and willingness of the two to jointly solve emerging problems, overcome difficulties, find mutual understanding, and remain faithful to each other. As a rule, over time, physical attraction, albeit a little, decreases, and frankness, mutual understanding, and common feelings increase.
How to distinguish love from passion? Everything is clear here: there is only desire, physical attraction, external, even if only subjective, attractiveness of a partner.
How to distinguishlove fromfriendship ?
In friendship there is sympathy, frankness, understanding, trust, fidelity, devotion, but no physical attraction, desires.
How to distinguish love from sympathy? Everything is the same as for friendship, except for loyalty and devotion.
How to distinguish love from attachment (habits of being together)? In this case, there is no frankness, sincerity, understanding, trust, sympathy and, as a result, there is no real intimacy between partners. Perhaps all this was once, but on this moment and during the last time there is no community of feelings, open communication. There is no physical attraction, no desire. All that remained was inertial attachment, fidelity out of old habit.
How to distinguish love from addiction? In the first months after meeting, at the peak of emotions and in the grip of an all-consuming passion, falling in love can be mistaken for addiction. Falling in love caused by a hormonal surge cannot last more than six months - a year and a half. Addiction can last for years and even become stronger over time.
love addiction suggests emotional helplessness and "physical discoordination" of a person's actions without his object of love. This includes:
- a feeling of joy and enjoyment of life only (!) in the presence of a partner,
- the closedness of the circle of interests only on the object of love,
- moreover, the latter must live for the sake of the love-dependent, satisfying his emotional and other needs,
- inability to independently influence their emotional state,
- inability to satisfy their own emotional needs,
- complete dependence of mood on the actions or inaction of the object of love,
- inability to receive help and support from others, relatives and friends,
- complete lack of confidence in oneself and one's actions without the approval of the "beloved",
- lack of self-confidence, in their abilities being alone or in another company.
There are two types of love addiction, and although there is little similarity between them at first glance, they are two sides of the same coin. Either a person clings to the object of his love, or deliberately pushes away because of the fear of losing his autonomy and falling into that same addiction. And the greater the risk of becoming attached, losing control of his emotions, the fear of losing a loved one, the more desperately he will avoid what he calls "love."
But back to true love. Does it exist, this perfect one, perfect love? Someone will say “yes” without hesitation, and someone will think that it is very difficult, almost impossible, to find, or rather, to achieve such love.
Everything that you can imagine and for which you are ready to fight is possible. Love is a dynamic process, and what your love will be depends largely on your efforts. And true love begins with the desire to give love and the willingness to be loved.
Love and be loved!
How to distinguish love from falling in love, addiction, affection. What is true love?
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