Is love possible in a second marriage? Age stages of raising children

To help students better understand the meaning of love and encourage spouses to enhance it in their marriage.

Preparing for the lesson

Consider how you can apply the guidelines in the “Teacher Responsibilities” section (pages ix–xii of this teaching aid) in preparation for the lesson.

Ponder the doctrines and principles contained in the lesson subheadings in bold. Throughout the week, reflect on how you will teach these doctrines and principles. Seek the Spirit's guidance as you decide what issues you need to expand on to best meet the needs of your students.

In the presence of the following materials Be prepared to use them during the lesson:

One or more illustrations depicting a wedding ceremony. For example, you can use the painting “Newlyweds heading to the temple” (set of reproductions Gospel in art). You can also bring your own wedding photos, and ask the couples in the class to bring theirs.

A flower or a painting of a flower.

Husbands and wives should cherish and strengthen their love for each other.

Show one or more wedding photographs or paintings (see “Lesson Preparation”, step 3a). Give your opinion about the love that husbands and wives feel for each other at the beginning of their married life.

Show a flower or a picture of a flower (see “Preparation for the lesson”, point 3b). Then have a class member read the following statement by President Spencer W. Kimball, the twelfth President of the Church (page 14 in Student Guide):

“Like a flower and like a body, love needs constant nourishment. If the mortal body does not receive food regularly, it will soon become exhausted and die. Delicate flower will wither without food and water. So is love. It cannot last forever unless it is constantly nourished by signs of love, expressions of respect and admiration, expressions of gratitude and selfless acts” (“Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign Mar. 1977, 5).

Explain that this lesson is about how husbands and wives can nurture and maintain love for each other so that it grows stronger over the years.

Shows of affection and kindness fuel love and friendship.

Ask married students to think back to when they were newlyweds. Have them talk about what they tried to do for their husbands (wives) during that period of their lives.

Why are such actions necessary throughout the entire married life?

Explain that a husband and wife should continue to care for each other throughout their lives and strengthen their friendship. By doing this, they will feel their love for each other grow stronger.

Elder Marlin K. Jensen of the Seventy shared his observations: “Friendship...is vital and beautiful in both courtship and married life. The relationship between a man and a woman, if it is at first friendly and then develops into love and eventually into marriage, usually becomes strong, eternal friendship. Nothing can be as inspiring in today's world of such fragile marriages as the example of a husband and wife who truly appreciate each other and, year after year, experiencing great joy in their friendship, sharing equally in the blessings and trials of life" ( Liahona, July 1999, p. 75).

Elder James E. Faust, then a member of the Seventy, said that one of the less obvious but very significant reasons for divorce is “the lack of constant nourishment of affection in marriage, the absence of that special something that makes a marriage precious and wonderful, but sometimes it becomes difficult, burdensome and joyless.” He advised: “In nourishing marital feelings, even small things become great. It is understanding each other's value and caringly expressing gratitude. It's about encouraging and helping each other improve. Marriage is a common quest for the good, the beautiful, and the Divine” (Conference Report, Oct. 1977, 13–14; or Ensign Nov. 1977, 10–11).

What are the “small things” that can support love and friendship in a marriage? (You may want to write students' responses on the board.) What examples can you give from your own life that show the need to maintain and strengthen love?

Point out that husbands and wives should schedule time to spend together. Have class members read the following devotional by Elder Joe J. Christensen of the Seventy (page 19 in Student Guide):

“Continue your courtship. Set aside time to do things together and just be together. It is important to spend time with your children and the whole family, but it is equally important to spend some time alone every week. If you schedule this time, your children will know that you feel that marriage is something that needs to be nurtured and nurtured. All you have to do is make the decision, plan it, and schedule it” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign May 1995, 65).

What might keep husbands and wives from spending time and doing things together? How can married couples find time to continue their courtship and communication in private?

Marital intimacy is a manifestation of love.

Explain: appropriate intimacy in marriage is approved by the Lord. It brings great blessings to spouses, helping them to unite their souls and strengthen their love for each other. Familiarize the class with some or all of the following quotes:

An Elder of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explained the purpose of physical intimacy in marriage: “The Lord permits the husband and wife in the everlasting covenant of marriage to exercise the sacred powers of procreation in all their charm and beauty within the limits He has set. One of the purposes of this personal, sacred, intimate fellowship is to provide physical bodies for spirits that Heavenly Father wants to experience in mortal life. Another purpose for these powerful and beautiful expressions of love is to unite spouses in devotion, fidelity, care for each other and common purpose” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 50; or Ensign Nov. 1994, 38).

An Elder of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “The power of procreation of earthly life is the most sublime and great power given by God to His children. Its use was declared in the first commandment [given to Adam and Eve], but another important commandment was given to prohibit its misuse. Our emphasis on the law of chastity stems from our understanding of the purpose of the procreative power in fulfilling God's plan. The exercise of the power of procreation is pleasing to God, but He has commanded that it be limited to the marital relationship” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 99; or Ensign Nov. 1993, 74).

President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “In the context of legal marriage, sexual intimacy is righteous and divinely approved. There is nothing impure or degrading in sexuality as such, since this is how men and women participate in the process of creation and express their love" ( The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, 311).

An Elder of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “Intimacy is reserved only for the married couple because it is the primary symbol of the complete union, that completeness and that union which is ordained and limited by God. From the Garden of Eden onward, marriage was intended to be the complete union of man and woman—their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their loves, their families, their futures—in short, everything. Adam said of Eve that she was bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh and that they should be 'one flesh' in their life together[cm. Genesis 2:23–24]. This union is so complete that, speaking of its eternal possibilities, we use the word sealed. The Prophet Joseph Smith once said that we can perhaps regard those who are united in this sacred bond as being firmly 'welded' together [see D&C 128:18]” ( Liahona, January 1999, p. 91).

President Howard W. Hunter, the fourteenth President of the Church, taught us that even within marriage union the sacred powers of procreation must be used correctly: “Care and respect - but in no case selfishness - should be decisive in the intimate relationship of husband and wife. Each spouse must be attentive and sensitive to the needs and desires of the other spouse. Any dominant, indecent or uncontrollable behavior in the area intimate relationships between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 68; or Ensign Nov. 1994, 51).

Read Exodus 20:14, 17 with the class. Then share with class members the following quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley, the fifteenth President of the Church:

“We believe in chastity before marriage and complete fidelity after marriage. That says it all. This is the path to happiness in life. This is the path to satisfaction. He brings peace to the heart and peace to the home” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 68; or Ensign Nov. 1996, 49).

Emphasize that spouses should be careful not to do anything that would bring them one step closer to infidelity. In particular, they must always maintain appropriate emotional and physical distance between themselves and work colleagues of the opposite sex.

Why is total commitment in marriage so important?

Why can viewing indecent or pornographic materials be considered a betrayal of your marital partner? How can flirting with someone of the opposite sex harm a marriage?

Read one or more of the statements below.

President Howard W. Hunter instructed: “Be faithful to the covenants of your marriage in thought, word, and deed. Pornography, flirting and immoral fantasies destroy the integrity of the individual and strike at the very foundation of a happy marriage. Thus, the unity of the spouses and their trust in each other cease to exist” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 67; or Ensign Nov. 1994, 50).

President Ezra Taft Benson, the thirteenth President of the Church, taught: “If you are married, avoid any kind of flirting. What may seem like safe flirting or just fun can easily lead to a more serious relationship and possible infidelity. Here good questions questions we might ask ourselves: Would my spouse like it if he knew I did this? Would a wife be happy to know that her husband was having lunch alone with his secretary? Would a husband like it if he saw his wife flirting and trying to attract the attention of another man? My beloved brothers and sisters, this is what Paul meant when he said, ‘Abstain from every kind of evil’ (1 Thessalonians 5:22)” (“The Law of Chastity,” in Brigham Young University 1987–88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches , 52).

Married couples should strive to find mercy, the pure love of Christ.

Read John 13:34–35 and Ephesians 5:25 with your class. What do these verses teach us about how husbands and wives should treat each other?

Emphasize that while the physical relationship plays an essential role in a marriage, it is not the most important aspect of their love. Share the following statement from President Spencer W. Kimball:

“[Love in marriage] is deep, all-encompassing, comprehensive. This is not that worldly relationship which is incorrectly called love and which is based mainly on physical attraction. When a marriage is built only on this principle, the parties quickly get tired of each other. The love that the Lord speaks about is not only physical attractiveness, but also spiritual. This is trust and understanding. This is a close friendship. This is a partnership built on shared ideals and standards. This is selflessness and willingness to sacrifice for each other. It is purity of thought and action and faith in God and His plan. This is the glory of the parent in mortal life, directed toward the glory of the Divine and Creator and toward the glory of the Progenitor of spirits. It is a vast, all-encompassing and boundless feeling. Such love never gets tired or diminishes. It endures illness and sorrow, prosperity and hardship, success and disappointment, it does not fade through time and eternity” ( Faith Precedes the Miracle , 130–31).

Explain that the love President Kimball spoke of is charity, the pure love of Christ. Read Moroni 7:45–48 with your class. Ask students to identify characteristics of mercy based on what they read. Write these properties on the board as shown below:

Mercy:

It endures for a long time.

Doesn't envy.

Not exalted.

Doesn't look for anything for himself.

Doesn't get irritated easily.

Does not think evil.

He does not rejoice in wickedness, but rejoices in righteousness.

Covers everything.

Believes everything.

Hopes for everything.

He endures everything.

Never fades away.

Exceeds everything.

The purest love of Christ.

Abides forever.

Emphasize that the commitment to love and go to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and the commitment to marriage, especially eternal marriage, are the most important commitments we make in life. Husbands and wives should continually increase their mercy towards each other.

To help students apply these truths to their lives, point out the characteristics of mercy written on the board. Invite them to discuss how certain definitions, such as “seeks nothing for oneself” or “never dies,” can be expressed in a marital relationship. Ask them to give examples from their own lives where they have observed some of these characteristics of mercy in action.

Conclusion

Emphasize that spouses should strengthen their love and friendship. They need to maintain their love by continuing to show attention and express affection, care and kindness. Husbands and wives should consider each other's spiritual, physical and emotional needs while sharing the joys and sorrows of life. They must firmly resolve that they will never do anything that could destroy the love that is so essential in marriage. And they must “pray to the Father with all the strength of the heart, that they may be filled with... this love” (Moroni 7:48–48). If spouses fully fulfill their obligations to each other, their mutual love will become stronger over the years. They will be convinced that the love they increase is truly Christ's.

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Father Oleg Molenko

Instructions for Husband and Wife on Their Rights and Responsibilities in a Truly Christian Marriage

God bless!
Life itself, its unexpected turns, events, incidents and our reaction to them often pose a number of important questions to people living in a Christian marriage, without a godly resolution of which life in marriage is doomed to torment, and the marriage itself is doomed to destruction.
We must first establish firm foundations for marriage and the relationships within it. These foundations are established on the commandments of the Lord, the instructions of Scripture and the teachings of the Church of Christ. At the same time, we should know that all types of relationships that exist in marriage need our understanding and skillful use to overcome all the dangers that rise against marriage.
First of all, we must know that the institution of marriage itself comes from God. God created the male and female sexes so that representatives of these sexes would marry and cleave to each other. That's why marriage is based on three pillars:
on faith in God;
on obedience to His word (commandments);
on the indissolubility of marriage (fidelity).

Matthew 19:
4 He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who created in the beginning made them male and female?”
5 And he said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh,
6 so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. So, what God has joined together, let no man separate.
From these words of Christ God it is very important for us to understand the following truths:
God created man and woman, and He created them as equal partners for marriage;
Marriage and the creation of a new family on its basis prevail over the ties of the persons entering into marriage with their parents. To new family appeared and stood, we must certainly leave the old one, where the bride and groom were as children;
God does not indicate any union in marriage, but rather the cleaving of the husband to the wife and the union of them into one flesh. It is the husband who must cleave to his wife and preserve this cleavage;
Since the Lord God Himself unites people in a marriage union, He requires the indissolubility of the marriage union on the part of man.

A marriage union can fall apart due to the fault of people if at least one pillar holding the marriage is knocked out by their actions.
A marriage breaks up if one or both participants in the marriage cheat on God and lose faith in Him;
A marriage is destroyed if one or two people who entered into it cease to obey God and fulfill His commandments and will;
A marriage is destroyed even by a one-time betrayal with another spouse, i.e. the sin of her adultery, or the adulterous lifestyle of her husband (a one-time betrayal of her husband, healed by repentance and correction, does not destroy the marriage).
Matthew 19:9:“But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife for reasons other than adultery and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
You cannot divorce your wife except for the guilt of adultery on her part, betrayal of faith in God, or betrayal of obedience to the commandments and will of God.
A husband cannot marry another woman after divorcing his first wife for any reason other than those stated above.
You cannot marry a divorced woman for the three reasons stated above, communicated to us by God Himself through His revelation in the Holy Scriptures.
The Holy Church of Christ points out some technical features due to which a marriage can be dissolved by it.
One of the reasons for such a dissolution may be the discovery of the fact that the spouses were closely related by blood, but did not know it.
The second reason for the Church to dissolve a marriage may be the discovery of incurable infertility in one of the spouses. In relation to a barren spouse, God’s commandment about the indissolubility of marriage is not applied. The period for checking infertility established by the Church is a minimum of three calendar years (or more). If after three years (or more, up to seven years) one of the spouses is unable to conceive a child due to infertility discovered during the marriage, then at the insistence of the other spouse who wishes to have children, the marriage is dissolved. If the spouses agree to live without their children, then the marriage remains. A subsequent change in the desire of a healthy spouse to end the marriage due to infertility of the other half is no longer acceptable. The decision to divorce due to infertility must be made by the healthy spouse on time (i.e., from three to seven years). The right to leave a marriage with an infertile spouse can be used by a healthy spouse only once, i.e. If during seven years of married life (the years the husband or wife spent in war, in a campaign or in prison may not be taken into account) the right to leave the marriage was not used, then it loses its force.
The third reason why the Church can divorce spouses is the discovery of the fact that one of the spouses constantly terrorizes his half or induces her to commit grave sins, such as, for example, atheism, regality, witchcraft, murder, theft, robbery or robbery, sexual perversion, child molestation, drug or alcohol abuse, etc. In all these cases, the decision is made by the church court upon receipt of irrefutable evidence of the guilt of one of the spouses.
Persons whose marriage was dissolved by the Church above stated reasons(except those accused of crimes) have the right to remarry with the blessing of the Church.
The last possible reason for ending a marriage is the death of one of the spouses. A widow or widower has the right to remarry.
Romans 7:
2 Married woman bound by law to her living husband; and if her husband dies, she is freed from the law of marriage.
3 Therefore, if she marries another while her husband is living, she is called an adulteress; if her husband dies, she is free from the law, and will not be an adulteress if she marries another husband.
The third marriage of one of the spouses is permitted due to the extreme infirmity of such person. Such a marriage is considered shameful and is not celebrated, but is formed only with the blessing of the Church through the hierarch. Church penance is imposed on persons who have married for the third time or who have married for the first or second time, but with a person who has previously been married twice.
One must take the creation of a marriage most seriously, and therefore one must first of all pray for the gift of salvation to one’s spouse. In addition, the candidacy of the spouse must be examined for possible serious consequences hanging on him (her) due to family damage or personal sinful life before marriage. Those wishing to get married must tell each other the whole truth about themselves, whatever it may be.
The aggravation of a marriage may subsequently be affected by the following facts that took place in the life of one or both spouses:
Unbelief or crooked faith of the race;
Grave and mortal sins that were in the family;
Demon communication that took place in the family or among the person entering into marriage;
Dissolute life before marriage and practice of sexual perversion;
Committing homicide or infanticide in the womb;
The presence in the family of suicides, parricides, fratricides, regicides, church destroyers, heresiarchs, sacrileges, blasphemers, sorcerers, rebels, atheists, treacherous, etc.;
The presence of severe hereditary diseases or curses.

If by the grace of God the marriage took place and the newly-minted husband and wife began to live in a union of peace, harmony and love, then through the envy of demons and evil people, as well as due to the weakness and inexperience of the spouses themselves, various tensions and conflicts begin to occur in the marriage, which, if left unhealed, can lead to the worst and saddest fruits.
That's why it's good for strengthening a marriage besides committing church sacrament obtain the following assistance:
Ensure the blessing of the parents on the part of the husband and wife (if possible). It is not necessary that parents be members of the Church or have a common faith with their children;
Have the husband and wife have the same spiritual father or confessor, to whom both can confess and resolve all emerging issues and conflicts;
Have friendship with a good, resilient, friendly and experienced family.

In married life, the following layers or types of relationships take place:
Co-stay;
Human communication;
Marital love and harmony;
Family World;
Sexual communication;
Sexual dissatisfaction of one of the spouses;
Pressure from one of the spouses;
Tension in the relationship between spouses;
Blackmail by one of the spouses;
Conflict between spouses;
Contradictions and disagreements between spouses;
Misunderstanding between spouses, loss of like-mindedness and unanimity;
Mistrust and suspicion between spouses;
Morbid jealousy of one of the spouses;
Loneliness together;
Material and everyday difficulties;
Disagreements in attitude towards children and their upbringing;
Vampirism of one of the spouses;
Slave position of wife;
Henpecked position of the husband;
Relationships based on people-pleasing;
Callousness and ignoring;
Relationship breakdown;
Rejection between spouses;
Cooling of relationships and mutual love;
Disgusted wife;
Strangeness of a husband or wife (when you feel your spouse is a stranger);
The collapse of marriage and family.

As we see, most of these types of relationships are negative in nature and can serve to aggravate the relationship between spouses. That is why both spouses need and must constantly fight to preserve their marriage and overcome all negative aspects that arise in their relationship. You need to master the art of overcoming conflicts.
Both spouses must always remember that we do not live in paradise, that our earthly life is short-lived, that the spouse is an imperfect person, surrounded by his own infirmities and passions. We must remember that we are in a constant war with demons, fighting our sinful passions, evil inclinations and harmful skills. We should help each other in this fight, and not fight with each other.
It is impossible, based on the words of Scripture that a wife should fear her husband and obey in everything, to make her his slave and satisfyer of her passions and lusts. If the husband becomes like Christ in relationships, then the wife becomes like the Church. The Church is not a slave of Christ, but His pure and holy Bride, whom He loves, cares for, protects, protects and communicates everything necessary.
If a husband behaves towards his wife as Christ behaves towards the Church, then the wife must obey such a husband and obey him in everything that concerns his authority or general affairs. She must be afraid of upsetting her husband or losing his affection or himself. If a husband behaves differently than Christ in relation to the Church, then he does not ascend to his status as a husband and therefore cannot demand unquestioning obedience and obedience from his wife in everything. So, the husband’s whole concern is not to leave his status, to love and provide everything necessary for his wife and his children.
A big and harmful mistake on the part of a husband is when, by his autocracy, he deprives his wife of her intra-family inheritance, in which she has freedom and respite from possible pressure on his part. You cannot leave your wife without such a feminine area of hers. A husband cannot meddle with his opinion and desire in women's and mother's affairs unless absolutely necessary. In her feminine area, the wife must be free and bear full responsibility for the well-being and order in this area.
The purely feminine and maternal areas include:
Kitchen and cooking for the family;
The female part of the marital (sexual) relationship (i.e. the wife has the right to demand that her husband fulfill his marital duties and satisfy her in this part of the relationship);
Cleaning, cleanliness, neatness, decoration and decoration (design) in the house;
Laundry, repair and production of clothes;
Maternal care for bearing a fetus, feeding and raising a baby (up to 6 years);
Caring for a sick husband and sick children;
The women's part of the job is receiving guests and preparing for holidays and family celebrations.

The husband, based on the need and request of his wife, can help with his participation in the women's part, but do everything at the decision and discretion of the wife. He should not impose anything of his own on her in this area, but only humbly ask, for example, to cook such and such.
A serious mistake of the husband is his inattention to the sexual satisfaction of his wife. Selfishness in this matter on the part of the husband not only puts the wife in a painful position, but also provokes her to detach herself from him and stick to another man who satisfies her female needs to the fullest extent. The Apostle Paul was concerned about this problem of the families under his care. This is how he instructed them on this important matter:
1 Cor.7:
2 But to avoid fornication, each one have his own wife, and each one have his own husband.
3 The husband show his wife due favor; likewise is a wife to her husband.
4 The wife has no authority over her own body, but the husband does; Likewise, the husband has no power over his body, but the wife does.
5 Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a time, to practice fasting and prayer, and then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance.
6 However, I said this as permission, and not as a command.
If the husband does not need to intrude on a purely women's area, then all the more so the wife should not do this, i.e. to invade a purely male area. The wife should be content with the fact that her husband deigns to tell her about his affairs and not to inquire further. Faith and complete trust in her husband in his affairs are a great advantage for a wise wife.
A harmful mistake on the part of a wife is to humiliate her husband's manhood. It’s bad when this happens in private, it’s even worse when it happens in front of children, and it’s really bad when it happens in front of strangers.
Under no circumstances should a wife reproach her husband for the fact that he earns little and cannot provide her and the children with what they want. You also cannot reproach your husband for his weaknesses and shortcomings.
A big mistake is the wife's grumpiness. Being a “saw” wife is unacceptable for a Christian woman. If such a quality exists, then it must be decisively eradicated by repentance and prayer, as well as careful observation of oneself and self-restraint. Control over the tongue is very important for a wife, because a wife's unbridled tongue can bring a lot of harm to her husband and the whole family.
A common mistake is a wife whining and complaining about life and everyday troubles in front of her husband. If such an attitude continues for a long time, then it can turn into so-called “vampirism”, when, through whining and complaints out of a passion for self-pity, the wife begins, unnoticed by herself, to “feed” on the vital forces of her husband and gets used to it. In this way the wife can keep her husband depressed or painful condition, or even just take him to the grave. The second way of such feeding is a conflict or quarrel arranged by a wife for her husband, which most often occurs over completely unimportant trifles or far-fetched quibbles. Demons immediately interfere with the beginning of a quarrel and inflate it into a big conflict and enmity. Many sins are committed by spouses during such a conflict. The husband and wife insult each other verbally, shout at each other, wish each other harm, threaten, and even curse each other in the heat of the moment. Often one of them expresses regret that they got married. Added to this is the threat of filing for divorce and leaving home. Sometimes the wife begins to demonstratively collect her things or her husband’s things in order to put them out the door. Christians should never allow this to happen.
It is unacceptable to humiliate your husband’s (or wife’s) parents in a verbal altercation, no matter what they are like in life and no matter how they relate to your family.
A big problem for any wife is the so-called female cunning. This is such an evil quality that it and the wicked woman are specifically mentioned in the Holy Scriptures. A Christian wife must struggle in every possible way with her wickedness and eradicate it in herself until it completely disappears. One must counteract one’s wickedness with silence in the mind, humility, simplicity, quietness and patience. These virtues, together with repentance and prayer, will not leave even a trace of guile.
Out of her cunning, a wife often allows blackmail against her husband. In this way, she tries to get from him what she wants and what he does not provide her with. The subjects of blackmail can be one’s own children, preventing a husband from having marital intercourse, refusing to support a business that is important to the husband, which depends on the wife, and much more.
A wife should not deny her husband his desire to be with her. If there is a good reason (for example, illness or extreme fatigue) that does not allow the wife to allow her husband to see her, then she should calmly explain everything to him and ask him to be patient until her full recovery. Frequent and unreasonable refusals of a wife in marital intercourse can provoke her husband to seek satisfaction on the side. This also applies to the husband. Here, both husband and wife should remember well the words of the Apostle Paul that each of them does not own his own body in this regard, but yields it to his spouse.
However, a wife can push her husband to the side not only by refusing marital relations. Such factors can be, for example, the lack of affection, tenderness, attention, responsiveness, warmth of attitude and other things on her part towards her husband, which create home coziness and comfort for her husband. The wife is simply obliged to create such an atmosphere of warmth and comfort in the house so that her husband is always drawn to his home and to her. To do this, it is important for her to take care of herself, keep the house tidy and cook well, variedly and tasty. The looseness of speech, the unsightly appearance of the wife, the untidiness of her hair and clothes, bad smell from the mouth or from the body, severity towards the husband - all this contributes to his cooling towards his wife.
A wife should always be friendly, modest, caring, attentive, taciturn, kind, sincere, humble and obedient to her husband.
The greatest evil in the relationship between spouses is the wife’s attempt to lead and control her husband. Popularly, this situation is called “keeping your husband under your thumb.” Such a situation not only humiliates the husband, but also the wife herself, and has a destructive effect on this family.
Both husband and wife should know and remember that the main source of any temptation or disturbance in the world that arises between them is demons.
You should know that it very rarely happens that God allows demons to attack both a husband and a wife at the same time. Most often, demons are allowed to attack one of them. That is why, if a husband or wife notices that the behavior of the other half has become abnormal (for example, the person got excited, angry, raised his voice, began to shout, swear, find fault, etc.), then you need to realize that demons have attacked your other half half and a loved one. Having realized this, one must act correctly, because the task of demons is to try, through the spouse they are involved in, to involve the spouse in a quarrel and conflict. The spouse who has not yet been affected by demons must prevent this from happening and immediately begin to resolutely fight for his spouse. We must fight not with a person who has fallen under the influence of demons, but with the demons themselves. This is why it is important for the uninvolved spouse not to respond with barbs to his or her spouse’s taunts, slander, insults and other bad actions and words, but instead to immediately begin to pray for the spouse. If you answer your wife (husband), then do it very softly, tenderly, with unfeigned love and humility, understanding that now you are speaking not so much to your wife (husband), but to her (his) spiritual illness (or demons). Humility and fervent prayer for an excited spouse will certainly bear good fruit. God's help will definitely come, and the demons will be forced to retreat. Then you will again find your husband (wife) as he (she) usually is. This is how real victory is achieved over demons, who in every possible way try to cause discord in any friendly family.
Without sacrifice, without concessions to each other, without speedy reconciliation and asking each other for forgiveness, neither husband nor wife will be able to defeat the enemies of our salvation who are fighting with us.
Compliance, willingness to give in, an attitude of compliance this is an excellent quality and a reliable tool that allows you to resolve many conflicts that begin between spouses at their very beginning.
You cannot give in only when it comes to God, faith, the Church and the work of salvation. Otherwise, it is better to infringe on yourself in order to maintain peace and harmony in the family.
If an accident happens and the husband (wife) gets sick or injured, then the wife (husband) is obliged not only to take care of speedy recovery loved one, but also to take on the household responsibilities that were performed by the disabled spouse.
It is absolutely unacceptable for husband and wife to assault each other. If some fundamental disagreement really arises, you should immediately turn to your confessor for help.
The presence of children in the family imposes additional responsibilities on the husband and wife towards them.
It is unacceptable for one spouse to humiliate the other spouse in the presence of children. Children easily grasp this disrespect and often begin to use their parents' opposition for their own purposes.
It is unacceptable to fight, swear and insult each other in front of children. It is unacceptable for a husband and wife to say anything contrary to them in the presence of their children. Parents should always appear unanimous and of the same mind before their children in everything. Husband and wife are obliged to support each other in relation to each of their children. Disagreement between parents, and even more so quarrels and enmity between them, will have the worst impact on the upbringing of their children. Children should grow up in an atmosphere of family peace, harmony, unanimity, unanimity, love, tenderness, affection and friendliness. Strictness towards children and their punishment should take place according to need. Punishment should always be supported by two parents. It must be balanced, measured and fair. Nothing aggravates a child’s soul more than unfair punishment by his parents. When punishing a child, the father or mother must explain to him the reason for this punishment and what they require from him. At the same time, they should punish the child not from a state of anger and irritation, but be calm and testify to their love for the punished child.
It is unacceptable for a father or mother to walk naked even in front of their young child of either sex, much less let him see the act of their marital copulation. Father and mother must in every possible way support each other's authority and respect for each of them in their children.
Parents should be able to recognize the reasons for their children's agitation or any abnormal behavior. Must distinguish natural causes(for example, illness, pain or illness) from demonic influence. In the case of the latter, appropriate means must be taken: prayer for the child, making the sign of the cross over him, sprinkling him and giving him to drink blessed water, anointing him with blessed oil, applying a cross or shrines available in the house to him. In serious and protracted cases, you should seek help from your confessor, asking him to perform a reading for your child or a suitable prayer service, as well as a special commemoration during the liturgy.
A very powerful, strong, effective and fruitful means of helping your child is to read the Jesus Prayer over him. To do this, you should sit comfortably yourself and sit (lay down) the child so that you can lay both your hands on his head. If there are two children, then you can lay your hand on each of them. A very small baby can simply be held in your arms. Before doing this, it is good to wet your palms with Epiphany holy water and let them dry. The prayer should be read aloud, in a calm voice and in a measured, soothing tone. You can use two versions of the Jesus Prayer:
“G.I.H.S.B. have mercy on us";
“G.I.H.S.B. have mercy on the baby (youth) Name (i.e. the name of the child is called).

Any version of this prayer (I personally prefer the first due to its brevity and coverage of all family members) must be said with attention and contrition at least 1000 times.
This remedy is so strong, holy and unique that it can not only remove any damage or demonic action from a child, but also heal an illness, calm the nerves, eliminate excitement, improve memory, judgment, mental capacity, ability to study successfully and much more. If you don’t waste time praying for your child and add at least 300-500 “Our Father” prayers and the same number of “Rejoice to the Virgin Mary” prayers to the 1-1.5 thousand Jesus prayers, then this remedy can be miraculous. With its help, you can rid your child of the evil eye, old damage, current illness, disorders in his body, reduce high temperature and equalize blood pressure. For example, unpleasant warts, papillomas and other unhealthy formations on the skin may go away. Wounds and burns can heal quickly and well, tumors can go away, “bumps”, bruises and swelling can disappear. In any case, such reading of these prayers over your child will only benefit him and you. Work to call on the Name of God, and It will work to improve your child's condition.
The end of this work and glory to our God!

Our fellow citizens have a special attitude towards the garden. Indigenous people Russia has never been a nomadic people, and the garden was perceived as a family space. A certain connection developed between the hosts and individual plants, especially trees.

Trees are something special. It is to them that memorable lines are dedicated, stories are told about them from generation to generation, it is they, and not shrubs or perennials, no, no, and they are awarded the title of a special plant for the family. “Family”, “Family tree” - it’s all about him.

The Russians planted such trees quite often. Sometimes it was a single specimen, and sometimes a whole grove. Sometimes this was done just like that, without reason, and in many cases it signified family events. It used to be planted on a joyful occasion, for example, in connection with the birth of a child, after which the tree grew with him. And another woody plant could be planted in memory of a deceased loved one.

LIVING WITNESS

If you look through old family photo albums in antique and second-hand bookstores, you will probably see chronicles of such a tradition in the yellowed photos. For example, on the first pages, a young couple carefully lowers a seedling into a hole, then they nurse their children under a young crown, then the grown-up children hold the hands of their lovers under a spreading tree. The moment inevitably comes when they sit down and remember their parents, looking at the huge gnarled branches and powerful trunks. Life is going, the tree remains. It sees everything, hears everything and knows everything. It is a living witness to the history of the family. It undoubtedly patronizes these people and helps them.

The difficult history of our country has never been able to radically knock this love out of our minds and only allowed us to forget about it for a while. Each of us probably knows people who cannot cut down an old, sick and unfruitful apple tree just because their grandfather planted it... Here it is - family tree. This is the connection between descendants. This is the understanding of true values. Probably every nation has its own way. You can remember the Christmas tree in Europe. Or bonsai in the East - why not a family tree? Individual copies of them were passed down from generation to generation, were the first to be saved in a fire, and were taken away when moving, because they had (both for their owners and in principle) considerable value.

You can judge the never-eradicated craving for their patriarchal tree among Russians by the way a person’s eyes light up when you tell him about it and offer to plant such a tree on his property. And even among those who have never heard of such a tradition before! Some people take this idea very deeply.

I know a case when a family, before planting their tree, wrote everything about themselves on paper: about how and what they live, what they are happy about, what worries them. The message was tightly sealed in a bottle and placed under the roots of the seedling when planting. To the question “why?” They answered: can you imagine, after many, many years, some fantastic mechanism by today’s standards will raise this already dying tree, a bottle will suddenly fall out of it... People will read the letter and find out about us. Indeed, the tree turns out to be the guardian of the family, literally preserving its secrets in the cage of its roots.

Planting trees for pleasant occasions - what could be more beautiful? How great, for example, would three birch trees of different ages look, each of which was planted in the year the daughters were born. And no matter where fate takes the adult sisters over time, they will sooner or later meet under the three birch sisters.

GROWING STORY

In the Spasskoye-Lutovinovo estate (near Mtsensk), a Turgenev oak planted by the writer himself has been preserved. I. S. Turgenev wrote about him: “My beloved oak tree has already become a young oak tree. Yesterday, in the middle of the day, I sat in his shadow on a bench for more than an hour. I felt very good. All around the grass was blooming so merrily; a golden light lay on it, strong and soft; he even penetrated into the shadows... And what birds were heard!” Later, while living abroad, he wrote to Ya. P. Polonsky: “When you are in Spassky, bow from me to the house, the garden, my young oak tree, bow to the homeland, which I will probably never see again.”

Since pagan times, the oak has been especially revered by many European peoples, to which the functions of the world tree were often attributed. It was the oak tree (Greek dryas) that gave the name to the dryad nymphs, who, according to legend, lived in every tree and died at the same time as it. These mighty plants also had a memorial character. Legends associated individual trees with the names of nobles and famous people, either planted them, or performed some great deeds under their crowns. Among them we can mention the oaks of Charlemagne and Henry IV in the forest of Fontainebleau near Paris, the oak of Elizabeth I near London and the oak of Marie Antoinette at Versailles.

The Empress personally planted an acorn in the garden in front of the Peterhof Monplaisir on the birthday of her son Paul, and a year later the ladies of the court followed her example. As a result, an entire oak grove grew there. The oak planted by Catherine died during the storm of 2000, as evidenced by a sign on its stump. The first trees of the Family Grove, located near the Pavlovsk Palace, were planted by Emperor Paul I and his wife Maria Feodorovna in honor of the birth of their children. And they had ten of them: four sons and six daughters. Subsequently, when the children grew up and got married, new trees were planted in honor of their chosen ones and chosen ones, and then their grandchildren. Each tree had a name plate. In 1828, the year of the death of Maria Feodorovna, who survived for a long time husband, there were already 50 in the grove review.

In the Shakhmatovo estate (the estate of Alexander Blok’s grandfather A.N. Beketov near Moscow), two elms planted by Alexander Blok and his wife Lyubov Mendeleeva have survived to this day. Between them, Blok built a turf sofa-canapé, symbolically connecting these two trees.

TREE OF THE KIND

Planting a family tree, of course, is most logical on your own. And for such purposes, you should not immediately purchase huge plants - they, of course, are good, but, alas, they are witnesses to someone else’s life, alien to you.

The best thing to do is to grow such a tree from a seed. If you decide to undertake such an experiment, be sure to involve the younger generation in it. Unusual metamorphoses happen to children when they see a growing plant. At first, when they are given seeds and asked to sow them in their grandmother’s vegetable garden, this most often causes a storm of protest. But together with mom and dad, large seeds can be planted without difficulty - before winter. Suitable plants include gray and Manchurian walnut, common horse chestnut, and red oak.

Their seeds do not require any special preparation and will sprout already at next year. And here there will be no trace left of the former disinterest! A young, inquisitive mind will try to understand how a tree appeared from some ball, leaves are blooming on it... Very little time will pass, and he will drag all his and your guests to this place to show off “his tree.”

Someday this man will bring his grandchildren here and tell how, as a child, he planted these huge oak trees with their great-grandmother. They will collect the seeds together. Can you guess what they will do with them?

Each of us must plant a family tree in our lives. And remember - in in this case The saying: better late than never is especially true. What exactly should I plant? When choosing, keep in mind that a tree for such purposes must not only be absolutely stable in the climate of your area, but also be suitable for your site in terms of environmental parameters. There is nothing worse if it dies, coming into contact, for example, with groundwater, or, after living for several years, freezes completely in one of the snowless winters. Here you will find a list of suitable plants.

Birch. Typically, silver birch is used in an assortment. In nature, this species lives for more than 100 years. It grows very quickly relative to the rest of the list of plants. It is very photophilous, but has little demands on the soil, feeling bad only on poor sands.

Oak. English oak lives in suburban conditions for more than 300 years. It grows very slowly. Tolerates partial shade, prefers fertile soils, tolerates only temporary waterlogging. Red oak is faster growing, but its life expectancy is half as long. It is moderately shade-tolerant, is not picky about soil composition, but is more sensitive to soil moisture than pedunculate oak.

Amur velvet. Can live more than 150 years. It grows quite quickly. For normal height requires loose fertile soils, does not like waterlogging, and is shade-tolerant.

Horse chestnut. We are talking about the common horse chestnut, which can live more than 150 years. It grows quite quickly. Tolerates partial shade, requires loose soil without stagnant moisture.

Linden trees. In suburban conditions, these trees live for more than 200 years. More often we recommend small-leaved linden for private gardens. It grows quite quickly. Shade-tolerant, not very demanding on soil fertility, but sensitive to drought.

Manchurian walnut or gray walnut. Outside urban conditions they live for more than 200 years. They grow quite quickly. With age, they are more light-loving, require fertile soils, and do not tolerate waterlogging.

Decorative apple tree. There are many such apple trees now offered. Most of them reproduce by grafting, so we recommend purchasing ready-made young plants that have already been grafted. They grow slowly, are extremely light-loving, are quite drought-resistant, and develop better in fertile soils.

Cedar pine. Siberian cedar pine and European cedar pine are similar to each other. In suburban conditions they live for more than 300 years and grow very slowly. With age, they are more light-loving than in youth, and are not picky about soils. Korean cedar pine differs from them in appearance. It lives as long as previous types of pine trees, and grows just as slowly. More light-loving, prefers fertile, well-drained soils.

Fir. Siberian fir and other native species. They can live in the garden for more than 150 years. Very small seedlings are available for sale. You can buy them, and watching them grow is a real pleasure. It grows slowly. Shade-tolerant, grows better in fertile, moist soils.

Spruce. Prickly spruce. In a favorable environment he lives for 150 years. It grows slowly. It is undemanding to soils, but quite light-loving.

Maples. Red maple and its varieties are recommended. This tree will live in the garden for more than 100 years. It grows quite quickly. Shade-tolerant, undemanding to soil, tolerates excess moisture. Most varieties are propagated by grafting, but not everyone has the skill to do it. We recommend purchasing ready-made young plants that have already been grafted. You can also use Norway maple or its varieties, of which there are plenty on sale now. It is better to buy varieties as grafted seedlings, but non-varietal plants can be sown independently.

Norway maple and its varieties are demanding on soil fertility and moisture, and are relatively shade-tolerant.

BY THE WILL OF THE EMPEROR

Peter I not only prohibited the cutting down of oak groves, which had become significantly thinner by his time (an exception was made only for the needs of the army and navy). He himself planted them at every opportunity - on Kamenny Island, on the grave of Russian soldiers in the Nyenschanz fortress, near the Marley Palace in the Lower Park of Peterhof, in Oranienbaum and many other places.

While still a Grand Duke, Nicholas I, during a trip to England, planted an oak tree on the estate of the Earl of Pambroke, and he planted a chestnut tree on the estate of the Duke of Devonshire.

During a visit to the estate of Count A.H. Benkendorf (in modern Estonia), the Emperor personally planted a birch tree, and his mother, the Dowager Empress Maria Feodorovna, planted a chestnut tree. These were not the only distinguished guests of the estate, and later a whole grove was formed here, planted by members of the Imperial family.

In New Peterhof on Tsaritsyn Island in commemoration friendly relations established between Russia and the United States of America, Nicholas I in 1842 planted an oak tree grown from an oak acorn planted on the grave of the first US President on the Mount Vernon estate and donated to him by the Americans. This was evidenced by a copper plate suspended on a grown tree with an inscription in Russian and German languages. After the death of the Emperor, the Dowager Empress Alexandra Feodorovna took care of the oak tree: on her instructions, a gilded fence in the form of a basket was made and a flower bed with forget-me-nots was arranged at its roots. In subsequent years, this place became a kind of Mecca for all American diplomats coming to St. Petersburg.

Alexander Sapelin,
Vladimir Veselov

HELP "DK"

In Rus', for many centuries, as a rule, actions aimed at unjustified damage or destruction of fruit trees (they personified the focus of fruit-bearing forces) were considered blasphemous, which necessarily threatened those who caused this harm with trouble. A person’s relationship with the garden was regulated by a number of restrictions. In particular, it was forbidden to climb trees wearing shoes. The fertility of fruit trees was not only made dependent on a person’s care for them, but was also directly correlated with his marital status. Since the main requirement for plantings was their ability to reproduce, according to popular beliefs, people who did not have children could not take care of the garden (a childless person could deprive the tree of fertility even with his glance or touch). On the contrary, pregnant women could have a beneficial effect on the garden (they transferred their fertility to the trees). To do this, they only had to go around the fruit tree on a holiday. Grafting or pruning branches, as a rule, was entrusted to a woman with many children. It was customary to weave branches of fruit trees into brides’ wreaths, and wedding loaf often decorated with the image of a single tree or an entire garden.

Many peoples had a tradition of planting a tree on their wedding day. On the fifth wedding anniversary, another one was planted - it was believed that thanks to this, family ties would be strengthened even more. In Germany, in honor of the birth of a girl, an apple tree was planted, and a boy, a pear tree. In Polesie (Belarus) there was a custom: when a son was born, a lubok (linden) tree was planted in the yard; if a daughter appeared, a pine, poplar or birch tree was planted.

Sacred trees and groves were especially revered and protected several thousand years ago in Assyria and Babylon. During wars, they were specially cut down by the invaders in order to deprive the defeated people of their protection. According to ancient Russian beliefs, the family tree protected the owners from harm and symbolized hospitality. These trees, as a rule, grew in front of the house; it was around them that round benches were often arranged, on which, under the protection of its crown, family gatherings were held, guests were received here, and family holidays were celebrated.

Marital Harmony

Esther Greenberg, from the series “Woman to Woman”, topics: Jewish family, Family happiness, Love, Marriage, Husband, Family, Wife Marital harmony

The dowry is not the girl’s money, but her spiritual qualities. An example of a righteous wife is the wife of Rabbi Akiva. She cut off and sold her braid so that her husband could study Torah. Husband and wife must continuously maintain psychological balance in the family.

Marriage is our chance to get closer to perfection. “Male and female He created them, and called them Adam.”8 Man is the only creature in which, at creation, the masculine and feminine. However, if Hashem intended to create two human beings, a man and a woman, why did he start with only one? The Vilna Gaon explains that because Hashem wanted the woman to become the man's helpmate, He created them as one and then separated them - only if the woman is part of her husband can she truly become his helpmate.

By itself, neither half is perfect. Both halves need to be transformed into a single whole. Completeness comes when these two come together. They help each other, they give themselves to each other. Love and harmony connect them stronger than any other connection between people. They become like one body. When these two halves are united and become complete, the Divine Presence becomes their “partner”10.

The blessing, which is recited under the wedding canopy, speaks of ten manifestations of happiness. But this blessing—and the happiness it predicts—has more to do with wedding night, but also to all the years of marriage! And not only in this world, but also in eternity.

Our sages say that a wife is the light for her husband's eyes. She gives him the opportunity to get back on his feet. She, like a wall, surrounds him, protects him, guards and protects him.

When choosing a wife, it does not matter how much money the girl has. Money is like smoke - now it is there, but tomorrow it has “dissipated”. But a girl with good character—a girl with midot tovot—is her own dowry. She can run a business, she can organize a household, she knows how to overcome difficulties. Therefore, her husband owns the greatest wealth in the world.

We are all familiar with the mishna where Ben Zoma says: “Who is wise? Someone who learns from everyone. Who's rich? The one who rejoices in his lot."11 Rabbi Akiva asks the same questions, and although his answers are not so well known, they are very interesting to us. To the question “Who is rich?” Rabbi Akiva answers: “He whose wife is perfect in her actions”12.

Who more than Rabbi Akiva had the right to say this?! His wife had a braid of beautiful hair that reached the ground, but she cut it off and sold it so that, by transferring money to her husband, she would provide him with the opportunity to study Torah. And although she grew up in the home of an extremely rich man, her father Kalb Savua, she washed other people's clothes to feed herself and her children. Who knew better than Rabbi Akiva that a wife, perfect in her deeds, is the greatest treasure a man can have!

In Judaism there is a special way of home and family. We are directing our main efforts to ensuring that this way of life is preserved and is not affected by the decomposition that has engulfed the entire world. In a Jewish home, the father is the head of the family, and the mother is his assistant; he is the king, she is the queen, and the children are princes and princesses. Mutual respect and derech eretz (the ability to behave) should reign there. If the mother respects and honors the father, then the children will respect and honor the father. When the father respects and honors the mother, the children respect and honor the mother. The whole structure of the house is royal, because we are the daughters and sons of Hashem, the King of kings. And the sons and daughters of the King must behave in accordance with their rank.

In one of the wonderful teachings of our sages, the secret of shlom-bayt (family peace) is briefly formulated: “A wise mother said to her daughter: my child, if you are your husband’s servant, he will be your servant and will honor you as his mistress. But if you are arrogant in front of him, then he will rule over you like a master and perceive you as a servant.”

In modern family counseling they talk about “balance in marriage.” This is not new for us at all - two thousand years ago our sages told us that there should be balance in the family! If you treat your husband like a ruler, like a king, then he will treat you like a queen. But if you think that you can push him around, then he will rule over you - he will become your lord and master by force.

Every woman should be the doctor of her marriage. She must keep her finger on the pulse to see if the balance is maintained. If you sense disagreement, if there is a lack of mutual understanding, this is a sign that something is “broken.” You may have made your husband feel like you are destroying his self-esteem. Because you don't lift him up high enough, he retaliates by pushing you off your pedestal. This creates disagreements and a vicious circle of tension, quarrels, and, naturally, shalom bayt is destroyed ( family world). But if you constantly maintain balance in your relationship with your husband, always honoring him and treating him like a king - as if you were his subject - he will treat you like a queen.

One before happy couple began to quarrel frequently. The disagreement became so serious that the couple came for counseling. When they consulted a counselor, the wife complained that her husband had become so stingy that she had to beg him—at least ten times—for every penny she needed. She's had enough and can't take it anymore. From the conversation, the consultant discovered that this woman's husband felt inferior. He felt that since his wife was much more educated and gifted, the only thing that gave him importance was that she asked him for money - which is why he forced her to beg at least ten times! From the moment she realized how much it made him feel self-importance and self-respect, she no longer minded asking ten times. And peace returned to their home.

This is maintaining family balance.

The family balance is constantly changing. At first, when you get married, there are only the two of you. During the first year of marriage, you build very close relationships, especially if you have been prepared for this in advance. Then the first child arrives and the balance changes. If you are wise, then the current atmosphere strong family you extend to the baby. But some women are not so intelligent. It seems to them that the baby belongs exclusively to them, and they do not allow their husband to see it. This is one way to cause very big divisions in the family. If you do this, your husband will find other interests while you are busy with the baby. Such a mother will turn into an owner, living entirely with her children and tying them to her skirt. Her children will not like it, and they will hardly wait until they grow up and can leave the house - and will not rush to return.

Each new child changes the family balance a little. You must do your best to restore balance in order to expand family circle, without alienating your husband by the fact that you are always busy with children - because, in reality, this is a matter for both of you.

The children stay at home for twenty years or a little longer, but eventually they leave the nest to marry, and then the husband and wife are alone again. It happens that women experience a terrible crisis when their children leave home, because they have not created any connections with their husband. Instead, they concentrated their entire lives and all their interests on their children. When children eventually leave home, these mothers often feel overwhelmed. They begin to complain to their husband: “Why don’t you stay home with me?” - and he doesn’t know what it means to “be with her”! For the past twenty years, she told him not to fit in, and he didn't—he kept himself busy with work, shiurim (Torah lessons), and other interests. Now she found herself in a vacuum, in complete emptiness. Never forget that the most important thing in life for you is your relationship with your husband. You have to build those relationships. Work on it every day. Don't lose touch and never let the connection break down. One thing we can say with absolute certainty is that the most important thing in your marriage is your husband.

Sometimes we have to take one of our elderly parents into our home. This can also upset the balance in the family. It is often very difficult to make ends meet - this can also affect the family balance. Or it could be, God forbid, an illness in the family. Every change has the potential to upset the balance of your marriage; but if there is true intimacy, true partnership, then husband and wife face every challenge with a united front. Every challenge in life should bring spouses closer together. If there was no strong connection between them, the gap separating them will widen, moving them further and further away from each other. Don't let this happen in your family. To prevent this from happening, do everything together, cooperating and caring for each other. According to King Solomon, two can handle a problem much better than one—they learn together to cope and overcome obstacles, they adapt to change together, and they rise together to meet challenges. And if two people completely trust each other, they can replace each other in the role of leader without fear that the other will take advantage of his advantage and the weaknesses of his partner. For example, one spouse may be better equipped to set a budget and pay bills, but sometimes if they can't, the other spouse takes over. It's the same with teaching children. Sometimes one spouse is more gifted to succeed in this area, but here - as in all areas of family life - spouses can succeed each other in the leadership role, maintaining excellent mutual understanding, trust and cooperation.

We would like to treat our spouses with respect and never hurt them. We would like to be “givers” rather than “takers.” In Judaism, we define love as a gift: the more you give, the more you love. When you do something for another person, you are giving them a part of yourself—you are literally “investing” yourself in the other person. The more you give, the more you invest yourself in another, the more the other person becomes a part of you, the more you love him.

The word aava, meaning love in Hebrew, has the numerical value of 13, as does the word echad, meaning one. A husband and wife must love each other so much that they become one being. Aava (13) and Ehad (13) together make 26, and this is the gematria (numerical value) of the Name Hashem. If there is such a community, such a connection, such a shalom bayt, such a unity, then the Divine Presence, the Shekinah in this house. This is the meaning of love!

Mutual trust in love relationships there should be enough so that each can become vulnerable without fear of the other taking advantage. This requires deep mutual understanding, mutual assistance and tenderness. In this intimacy, selfishness gives way to dedication, sincerity and openness are maintained in communication, the best is revealed in each of the partners, and the negative is reduced to a minimum.

Trust becomes complete when you know that you are the closest of friends and no matter what happens, you will stand by each other. You see your partner as a friend who you can rely on and who gives you pleasure. You are happy to be together. Such trust presupposes the unlimited strength of the relationship and the support that everyone can always receive from their partner.

Such relationships are determined not by the age of the family, but by the degree of care for each other. Such a family is a home for the soul, a place where you can be yourself and express your deepest desires, hopes and fears without fear of judgment, rejection or alienation. It is the atmosphere in which we gain strength for our daily struggles. This is mutual influence without everyone losing their uniqueness. Each gives the other the opportunity to realize everything that is inherent in him.

Don't be afraid to give - you can never give too much if you give willingly. Never force someone else to do anything for you in the name of love. Love is not an exchange of favors. Remember that in a family you invest all your strength and resources into the “common pot”. This means that you not only give, but also become richer.

Work on yourself, and gradually you will turn into a person radiating light. Try to do these three homework tasks and you will immediately experience positive changes in your home and in your marital relationship.

1. Keep your finger on the pulse of the family.

Throughout the week, pay special attention to what is happening in the family. Ask yourself these questions: “Is there tension in the family? Does my husband feel dissatisfied in any way? Have I said or done anything that could destroy his self-respect?

Whenever you feel tense or angry, or there is a verbal altercation, it is a sign that one of you is not showing enough respect to the other. These unpleasant feelings always come when one of the spouses destroys the other's self-image, self-esteem and sense of importance. If this happens, change direction. Begin to gradually restore your partner's self-esteem. Give him back his sense of self-worth - you will only benefit from this, and not remain a loser.

2. Write down all the reasons why your husband is so important to you.

Write down all the good qualities of your husband. Write down only the advantages - absolutely no disadvantages. You can even write down all the wonderful characteristics that you noticed about him before you married him - because they still exist, they are still inherent in him!

Listing your husband's strengths will help you see things in their true light again. The next time you feel irritable and critical, read the list. You will regain a feeling of happiness and deep gratitude to Hashem.

3. Resolve when you rise every morning to say, “Today my home becomes a Beit HaMikdash (Temple).”

Every time you want to let off steam, remember that your home is the Beit Hamikdash, and that its walls hear you and will be witnesses. When shalom bayt (family peace) is maintained, the Shekinah (Divine Presence) takes up residence in the home. If there is disagreement and quarrels in the house, Shekinah cannot stand it and leaves. But the house is not empty; The place is taken by someone else - Satan, in person! Tell yourself, “I am not going to kick the Shekinah out of my house today. Today I will try to keep the Shekinah in my home.”

The next morning, when you get up, say the same words. Do this for a week. It will get easier every day. Make an effort to turn your home into a Temple where the Shekinah resides for a long time and does not leave.

You are creating your masterpiece - your Beit Hamikdash!

8. Bereshit 5:2.

9. Vilna Gaon, Mishlei 9:10.

10. The words of Rabbi Elazar quoted in the Talmud (Yevamot 63a) are well known: “He who does not have a wife is not called “Adam” (man), since the verse of Scripture says that Hashem created them male and female and gave them a name Adam". The Zohar explains that the Shekinah (Divine presence) cannot dwell on something that is devoid of wholeness, for that which is not whole is devoid of perfection.

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The magazine “Vinograd” continues the series of conversations with priests on difficult topics of intra-family relations. In this issue, the rector of the house church at Moscow State University answers Vinograd’s questions. Lomonosov Archpriest Maxim Kozlov.

Archpriest Maxim Kozlov is the rector of the Church of the Holy Martyr Tatiana at Moscow State University, a professor at the Moscow Theological Academy. Author of the books “400 questions and answers about faith, church and Christian life”, “200 children’s questions and non-childish answers about faith, church and Christian life”, “The Last Fortress: Conversations about family life”, “Clergy and the world. A book about the life of a modern parish." Author of more than 100 articles and translations (patrology, biblical studies, church history, journalism).

– Marriage is often spoken of as a way of the cross, a test, and wedding crowns are compared almost to martyrdoms. Do you think this is a distorted view of marriage, or does it have its reasonable grounds?

- At the last moment of the sacrament of the Wedding - before giving the couple a cross and turning them to face the people - the priest usually says the following words: “Look at each other. Not I, but the Church testifies to you that you are king and queen, Adam and Eve. Not I, but the Church testifies to you that your current love and the purity of relationships can be maintained until the end of the earthly journey. Do not believe those who, disappointed by their own experience, will “sober” you, talking about the fragility of feelings, about the inevitable fatigue of each other, about the impossibility of family happiness. Know: what is impossible for men is possible for God. And you can look at each other in twenty-five and forty years the same way as today.”

If you do not set the task of preserving love in marriage - not habits, not patience, not bearing the cross, understood as torment and a heavy obligation that needs to be carried to the grave, but maintaining love and openness towards each other - then the family can turn into hell. Maintaining and increasing love in a marriage is not an easy task. But she immediately sets a high bar for relationships and at the same time sets a high note for marriage. The crowns that are placed on the heads of the bride and groom are not only and not so much martyr’s crowns, but also royal crowns - that royal dignity and priesthood that the Apostle Paul speaks of and which the Church remembers during the Wedding. In any sacrament we are given a guarantee of what can be replenished and nurtured. In Baptism we can grow into the measure of a perfect man - into the measure of that new creation in Christ to which we are all called. Alas, it turns out differently, but opportunities - and not just empty promises - are given to everyone. The sacrament is reality, not words. In the sacrament of marriage, a real opportunity is granted to carry marital unity throughout life in such a way that it can be continued into eternity. If we do not believe in the reality of this possibility, then we are not Christians. This means that we treat the Sacrament differently than the Church teaches us. There are not many sacred rites that are classified as Sacraments. Marriage is one of them. This should not be forgotten.

– Unfortunately, it often happens that initial love is replaced by mutual fatigue and irritation, and spouses are united only by habit of each other and routine common life. At the same time, it seems to them that the meaning and purpose of marriage - preserving the family - has been achieved, while the spiritual unity of two people has long been lost. How not to miss the moment when the first crack appears in the relationship between husband and wife? What symptoms indicate a beginning cooling of feelings?

– The Apostle Paul speaks words that apply equally to both husband and wife: “Bear each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2). In addition, we must not forget the words that are heard during the Wedding - that husbands should love their wives and take care of them, like the weakest vessel, and a wife should have awe of her husband: “husbands, treat your wives wisely, as with the weakest vessel, showing honor to them, as joint heirs of the grace of life...” (1 Pet. 3:7); “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church” (Eph. 5:25); “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church” (Eph. 5:22-23); “Let each of you love his wife as himself; but let the wife fear her husband” (Eph. 5:33).

This is not just rhetoric, this is the very principle of relations. A husband must have love-pity for someone who is weaker by nature - not only physically, but also in emotional organization, in terms of the degree of internal stability, impressionability and dependence on the influences of the outside world. The husband should cover these emotional manifestations with love-pity, and not with the despotism of an eastern master or a corporal giving orders in the barracks.

But the wife must also remember that the correct hierarchical structure in the family implies the primacy of the husband. She can give advice, express her opinions, share observations... I will say more: a wise wife will subtly and delicately push her husband to make the right decision; her wisdom will lie in the ability to tactfully pass off her thoughts as his - thereby she will protect the family from conflicts. But a wife should not put herself first, and a husband should not abdicate responsibility. If these hierarchical relationships in the family are maintained, then the family will avoid many of the cataclysms that today are increasingly taking place between spouses who perceive the family as a democratic institution. Today, the initial focus on a family structure in which spouses are absolutely equal and everyone has the right to their own sovereignty and autonomy is becoming increasingly widespread. Just as in modern society the notorious human rights are put at the forefront, so in the family today each of the spouses strives to defend their personal rights. At the moment when such aspirations arise in the family, the spouses need to think: this is where the origins of mutual rivalry and many conflicts lie. After all, in a traditional family there are no rights, but only responsibilities. The duty to bear the burden of responsibility and the duty of obedience.

I remember the very wise observation of one experienced priest. He spoke about a situation when a wife sees the obvious wrongness of her husband, who is making a deliberately wrong decision. Now, if the wife treats this weak decision as obedience and the will of God, then the Lord will certainly turn it for good. Using examples from different families, I have repeatedly been convinced that this is exactly the case. If for the sake of Christ you humble yourself before the wrong in everyday life, life attitude by the husband’s decision (now I’m not talking about situations where we are talking about violations of moral principles), then the Lord will certainly turn everything for the better.

As for the husband’s responsibilities, I repeat, first of all, this is a sense of responsibility. Nowadays, when women become more and more active and professionally in demand, these principles are distorted. “As you decide, so it will be,” “do as you want, just leave me alone,” a wife often hears from her tired husband. In such a desire to evade responsibility, to shift the decision onto the shoulders of another, there is something unmanly and improper, which also causes a bias in family relationships.

– It is clear that the idea of a strict hierarchy was characteristic of a traditional family, where, perhaps, they did not even think about a different structure. But today the roles of women and men in society and, accordingly, in the family have shifted significantly. As you said, a woman has become professionally in demand, she has additional spheres of activity besides household chores, and in other families it is she who is the main breadwinner and breadwinner. How to deal with hierarchy in such a family?

– Similar role changes have happened before: such marriages were called misalliances. Only they were connected not so much with employment at work, but with social status: say, a poor husband behind a rich wife, a merchant husband behind a noblewoman wife. Such initial inequality, of course, is not very conducive to the development of harmonious family relationships. Naturally, it can also be overcome by the conscious effort of two people, when, say, the wife, despite her superior social status, does not strive to put herself in charge, and the husband does not have a complex about his small earnings, turning into the figure of a kind of offended sitter on the sofa . In this regard, one can recall the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears,” which is built on the conflict surrounding such a situation. It is truly difficult, although surmountable. But on the part of a woman, the deliberate reduction of her husband to the role of a housewife and the assumption of exclusively leadership functions, not only in terms of earning money and gaining social status, but in general, the role of an absolute leader is clearly a painful manifestation. Moreover, it is painful for both sides at the same time. No matter how much a woman convinces herself that it’s easier for her to live this way and that her husband is not capable of anything other than following her instructions and commands, deep down she cannot help but be hurt by the lack of male guidance and protection. Such role changes undermine both the relationship between spouses and the process of raising children, who borrow the models of their parents, projecting them for the rest of their lives. Therefore, regardless of the specifics of the current social status of the spouses, God is better given nature families strive to preserve at any cost.

– Returning to the question of female obedience and humility: what to do in a situation when the husband makes an obvious mistake? Is it really possible that a wife, remembering the hierarchy, should withdraw and silently watch as a person close to her takes a deliberately wrong step?

– When such situations arise, it is best to turn to a priest: it is good if the husband and wife have a confessor who is dedicated to their family life and to whom in decisive disagreements they can turn as an arbitrator. This does not mean at all that husband and wife should have the same confessor. But in such situations, both should turn to the same priest, whom they trust as a moral and life authority and according to whose word they are ready to act. This will help resolve many conflicts and disagreements. If for one reason or another it is not possible to contact a priest (say, one of the spouses does not want to consult with anyone), then the situation becomes much more complicated. And here it is necessary to distinguish between types family conflicts. If the disagreement of the spouses concerns third parties - and as a rule, these are disagreements between parents in matters of upbringing - then we must proceed from the priority of the benefit of the souls of the children. If the husband demands something that is clearly wrong (for example, encouraging uncontrolled watching of TV, Internet use, and other unspiritual activities), then the wife, of course, should proceed not from the idea of unconditional obedience to her husband, but from moral principles: in this case, from considerations of the benefit of the souls of the children. If we are talking about personal offense, then in this case we must be guided by the gospel rule, according to which the highest moral victory of a Christian is not retaliatory harshness and insult, but humble love and patience. It’s very hard to believe, but humble love really does win!

– What if each spouse has separate interests? Is it permissible for a husband or wife to have their own personal space - that territory that the other does not enter? And how natural is it for a husband or wife to want to retire and take a break from each other?

– The main word that should be pronounced here is the word “measure”. Let’s say, if the desire to “take a break from each other” means taking a walk, being alone with your thoughts, having free evening hours for work, for prayer, or simply for concentrated peace, then this is one thing. And it’s completely different if the desire to “relax” means going on vacation with friends. There is no need to talk about the painfulness of such impulses. That is why I am talking about the extent of these desires. Another important factor– this is the goal. If the internal attitude is to gather strength in order to live as a family, then this is not scary. If such a vacation becomes the focus of life itself, the ultimate dream, and the family is perceived as a painful sacrifice, heroism and asceticism, where there is no talk of love, then it is quite obvious that such a marriage is on the way to collapse.

Another thing is that you cannot extort unanimity from another person. This is a thing that, like love, cannot be demanded. “Be with me”, “open your soul to me”, “what are you thinking about now?”... The sphere of inner life is such a subtle thing that any shadow of coercion only gives rise to the opposite effect.

– You talked about the responsibilities of spouses. Do these responsibilities depend on the specifics of each family, the characters, and the degree of employment of the spouses? Or, despite all the social and other changes in the modern family structure, there are once and for all established responsibilities assigned to each of them?

– I think it would be unnatural if everything related to motherhood were rejected by a Christian wife. It’s quite strange when a wife demands her husband to bottle feed the baby, take maternity leave, and then goes to work. It is clear that there are periods in the life of a little person when he is so close to his mother that to separate them at this moment would be, at the very least, unnatural and wrong. I’m not talking about the practically developing context, but specifically about the initial attitude of the spouses to replace these traditional roles. Just as the mother of a newborn baby, who immerses herself in work, is unnatural, so is the attitude of a husband who has chosen the household as the main sphere of effort and transferred the financial support of the family onto the shoulders of his wife.

Among other responsibilities, it is important to remember the functions of the father in relation to his sons and the mother in relation to daughters: it is rather strange to shift these functions to each other. Otherwise, there is no rigidity: each family distributes responsibilities in its own way. Thinking that in Holy Scripture There are no regulations on marital functions. It talks about the principle of marriage as an image of the union of Christ and the Church, about love, awe and readiness to accept the will of another, but not about a list of responsibilities. Therefore, remembering the main task and meaning of marriage, each family organizes its life in its own way.

– What to do in a situation – alas, common and recognizable – when people who have been married for many years suddenly realize that they are complete strangers to each other: they have neither common interests, nor mutual understanding, let alone love?

-... and secular people are already summing up the marriage, saying that they are no longer connected by anything, that there is still an opportunity to find someone better, younger, to create another family, to reanimate in themselves that fire of feelings, that delightful state of love in which they once got married... What can I say? Every family goes through periods of crises and trials. And such moments confirm that the path of bearing the cross is an integral part of our earthly life. Any life - not necessarily in the family: be it the bitterness of loneliness or the trials of monasticism, which in no way protects from temptations, crises, or disappointments. But a Christian has support. The Christian knows that God does not make false promises. And although it seems to us that there is no end to the black streak, that there is no longer any strength to resist, that the heart has completely dried up, and the white light is not nice, we know that God never gives tests beyond measure! If we do not give up, if, according to the word of Elder Ambrose of Optina, not having the spirit of love, we try to do deeds of love towards others, then the Lord, in due time, will return to us the spirit of love.

Father Alexander Schmemann has a very accurate image in the book “For the Life of the World” conjugal love. Recalling that all fairy tales and films, as a rule, end with a wedding and a sweet kiss of lovers, he cites his own image of love, which arose when looking at an elderly Parisian couple. Not too beautiful, not too young, they sat in the autumn Luxembourg Garden, silently holding hands. It was all over, the storms had passed, the temptations had been overcome, and they had gone through it together. And this silence, peace and the opportunity to sit next to each other, holding each other’s hands after 25-30-40 years is the miracle of marriage that can be continued into eternity.

Interviewed by Alexandrina Vigilyanskaya

“Vinograd” is the only Orthodox magazine for parents in Russia.

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