About marital relations. Is love possible in a second marriage?

Stage one. Parenting before conception

Raising a child begins long before his birth, or rather, from the first thought of the young spouses about him. Parents, with their thoughts, feelings, aspirations and hopes, attract the soul of their unborn child with certain abilities, inclinations, and character traits. This places great responsibility on future parents when preparing for the rite of conception, since they should remember: “Like attracts like.” Many fathers and mothers say that they saw their children in dreams, talked to them and knew their names two to three months before conception. With the right attitude and preparation for the continuation of their lineage, parents can attract into their family exactly the Soul that their family, their clan and people need. This way you can help your ancestor to incarnate to continue his evolution. Such parents can avoid many difficulties when raising a child after his birth.

Stage two. Prenatal education

The next incarnation of a person begins from the time of his conception. Already in the womb, he tries to master and comprehend his new body and the world. Therefore, each parent should know how the baby develops during each month of a woman’s pregnancy: when his heart begins to beat, when he begins to feel touch and move, when he begins to distinguish sounds. outside world and so on. And also when a child begins to feel joy and pain, when he begins to dream and think, when and how he begins to communicate with his parents and show his attitude to the events of the outside world. Every child is born with a multitude of accumulated impressions received in the womb, with an already established attitude towards people close to him, with the desire (or not the desire) to explore this world and improve in it independently. The time when the child is in the womb is the most favorable for the beginning of learning and the development of the baby’s sensory perception (as his senses mature). One way or another - with or without the help of adults - the child himself begins to learn and prepare for his birth. And not helping him with this is, to say the least, strange. Children who are properly socialized and trained before they are born are born cheerful and healthy, and they begin to talk and walk early. The birth of such babies is a great joy for both the family and the entire society.

Stage three. Infancy (from 0 to 1 year)

For a child, this is the time of his first acquaintance with the world in which he was born. He joins the elements of Nature and his family. At this age, it is very important to strengthen the baby’s physical health: with proper nutrition, hardening, breathing and physical exercises - the so-called physical development child. You need to continue (or start - if you didn’t do it during pregnancy) classes to develop the child’s sensations and feelings. From the first day of his birth, he accumulates many impressions that will become the basis for his mental development. The baby needs attention, affection and love from others at this time, just like care and proper nutrition. Their absence slows down its development. By the end of the first year of life, the baby’s main character traits and inclinations appear, his first habits appear, he begins to understand relationships in the family and has already become accustomed to his home. A child at this age is a full participant in all family affairs: with his own opinion, attitude to what is happening, the right to vote and the right to choose.

Stage four. Early childhood(from 1 year to 3 years)

The main time for the development of the child’s senses: taste, vision, touch, hearing, smell, sense of heaviness and balance - based on the sensations he has previously accumulated. To do this, you can conduct classes on sensory, fine and gross motor skills. The goal of the development of senses is distinctive perception (it is improved from 3 to 7 years by the child himself). Many accumulated sensations in early age serve as the basis for the mental development and independent thinking of children at the next age level.

Early childhood is a favorable time for the development of a child’s speech. Although classes on speech development should begin in infancy (or even before the birth of a child), but Special attention It is worth paying attention to this issue from the time the child begins to walk. Communication with grandparents, as well as folk art(rhymes, nursery rhymes, jokes, fairy tales, lullabies, etc.) and examples of good poetry (for example, poems about nature by poets of the 19th century). You can start classes on early learning reading and counting, painting and drawing, music and modeling.
Until the age of 3, it is very important for a child HOW they communicate with him - this is a time of emotional, emotional education child. It is imperative that he is always surrounded by love, joy, attention and care of loved ones. The child’s carnal (physical) body is already quite developed. But we need to continue training to improve it: engage in all kinds of hardening with the help of the elements of Nature, breathing exercises, give enough physical and dynamic (motor) loads; to develop joint mobility, you can do pendulum (joint) gymnastics and children's yoga. The health of a child will directly depend on his proper nutrition.

Stage five. Preschool age (from 3 to 7 years)

The most favorable time for the mental development of the child. By the age of 7, children comprehend from 60 to 80% of the information about the world around them. Further, the speed of their development slows down (which is facilitated by the class-lesson system of teaching children in public schools and the weakening, for many reasons, of their physical health). At this age, children begin to comprehend the accumulated sensations (distinctive perception appears) and make the first conclusions (including ideological ones) about the laws of construction of this world. Family values ​​for a preschooler become the main ones when assessing events and the surrounding reality.

The child’s inclinations are revealed and his abilities are revealed, his inclinations develop. Attentive parents should take into account these individual characteristics in the further upbringing and development of the child. Their task is to provide the little person with as many opportunities as possible for self-improvement in childhood and in later life. It is at this age that it is imperative to cultivate the hard work of children, otherwise they are unlikely to achieve great heights in life.

The most important issue preschool age is sex education. Children begin to identify their gender very early, and by the age of 3 they consciously identify themselves as male or female. The Right Attitude father to raising his child in the family at this age becomes the most important for the formation of a future man or future woman. This is the basis and preparation for learning at the next age level. Understanding the essence of relationships in a family using the example of the relationships of his parents, the child begins to prepare (for now, in play) for his future family life.

Stage six. Beginning of general education (from 7 to 12 years old)

This is the stage when children are ready to learn the basics of science together with their peers. They become reasonable children. But it should be remembered that 7 years - the beginning of joint education - is a conditional image determined by the child’s readiness for such education. To do this, at the previous stage he must have developed learning skills and abilities: the ability to see and hear, understand the task at hand, find ways to solve it, be able to independently achieve a goal, overcome difficulties and correct mistakes, respect the opinion of an older and more experienced person. From this time on, the child begins to represent his family in society. Teaching becomes his social responsibility.

Time moral education children. They comprehend the relationships and basic laws of development of the Kingdoms of Nature (mineral, plant, animal, human), study the heritage of their people and the foundations of the universe, and get acquainted with the micro and macrocosm. They are introduced to the meaning of the embodiment of the masculine and feminine, with the essence of the relationship between a man and a woman, with men's and women's crafts. Mental development children of this age must be accompanied labor training both in the family and in society, according to men’s and women's responsibilities, as well as class differences.
Parents need to know that, despite the general education of children, the main thing remains individual education child in the family, family values remain in first place. Only yours positive example adults can educate, raise from a child a moral person, a future virtuous father (or mother), a successor to their family, a keeper of the heritage of their people. The child’s training with various masters of his class remains individual to discover, develop and improve his abilities. Finding such master mentors is the responsibility of parents.

Stage seven. Adolescence (from 12 to 16 years old)

Teenagers become sexually mature. As adults, they are taught the basics family relations, ability to lead household. They become acquainted with the responsibilities of husband and wife and learn the 64 arts of man and woman. At this age, it is important to acquaint future parents with the rules for the embodiment of virtuous offspring: purity of Blood and Race, preparation for marriage and conception, the science of healthy childbearing and conscious childbirth, raising children in the family and society. By the age of 16, boys and girls must master men's and women's crafts, respectively, to such an extent that they can independently use them in their family life. Individual improvement in the mastery of his class continues.

Stage eight. Youth (from 16 to 21 years old)

Previously, it was believed that a girl could get married at the age of 16 if she had undergone appropriate training: mastered all women's crafts and the science of creating virtuous offspring - and if there was a suitable couple for marriage. This is another responsibility of parents - to help their children find a suitable match for family life and procreation. Before marriage, the girl lives with her parents' family, becoming, after training, a full-fledged assistant to her mother, and continuing to obey her father in everything.

Young men continue their education until the age of 21 and improve their skills, according to their spiritual level of development and position in society (vesi - in agriculture, craft or in any art; knights - in military art and the ability to manage society; clerics - in the ability to perform rituals, in healing, magic and the like). A young man could get married and start his own family at the age of 21 - after he had perfectly mastered all men's crafts and any skill of his class necessary to provide financial support for his wife and children. In addition, he must be ready to take full responsibility for his family, for new lives next to him: to independently manage the household, support and protect the family, and raise children. Until the age of 21, a young man can live with his parents, helping his father (or go to someone else for an apprenticeship). After this age and completion of his apprenticeship, he can separate, set up his own house and run his own farm.

When children grow up, parents must continue to fulfill their responsibilities towards them. They must help their adult children find a other half for a joint family life, help them raise their children (their grandchildren), freeing up time for young parents to work for the benefit of the family, society and their own self-improvement. Thus, they continue to raise their grown-up children, preparing them by their example to become grandparents.

From time immemorial in Rus', such upbringing was called continuity of generations, or continuation of the Family. This is the basis of the future of our State, the basis for the revival and prosperity of our land and all Clans.

The magazine “Vinograd” continues the series of conversations with priests on difficult topics of intra-family relations. In this issue, the rector of the house church at Moscow State University answers Vinograd’s questions. Lomonosov Archpriest Maxim Kozlov.

Archpriest Maxim Kozlov is the rector of the Church of the Holy Martyr Tatiana at Moscow State University, a professor at the Moscow Theological Academy. Author of the books “400 questions and answers about faith, church and Christian life”, “200 children’s questions and non-childish answers about faith, church and Christian life”, “The Last Fortress: Conversations about family life”, “Clergy and the world. A book about the life of a modern parish." Author of more than 100 articles and translations (patrology, biblical studies, church history, journalism).

– Marriage is often spoken of as a way of the cross, a test, and wedding crowns are compared almost to martyrdoms. Do you think this is a distorted view of marriage, or does it have its reasonable grounds?

- At the last moment of the sacrament of the Wedding - before giving the couple a cross and turning them to face the people - the priest usually says the following words: “Look at each other. Not I, but the Church testifies to you that you are king and queen, Adam and Eve. Not I, but the Church testifies to you that your current love and the purity of relationships can be maintained until the end of the earthly journey. Don't trust those who are disappointed own experience will “sober” you, talking about the fragility of feelings, about inevitable fatigue from each other, about the impossibility of family happiness. Know: what is impossible for men is possible for God. And you can look at each other in twenty-five and forty years the same way as today.”

If you do not set the task of preserving love in marriage - not habits, not patience, not bearing the cross, understood as torment and a heavy obligation that needs to be carried to the grave, but maintaining love and openness towards each other - then the family can turn into hell. Preserving and increasing love in marriage - not an easy task. But she immediately sets a high bar for relationships and at the same time sets a high note for marriage. The crowns that are placed on the heads of the bride and groom are not only and not so much martyr’s crowns, but also royal crowns - that royal dignity and priesthood that the Apostle Paul speaks of and which the Church remembers during the Wedding. In any sacrament we are given a guarantee of what can be replenished and nurtured. In Baptism we can grow into the measure of a perfect man - into the measure of that new creation in Christ to which we are all called. Alas, it turns out differently, but opportunities - and not just empty promises- are given to everyone. The sacrament is reality, not words. In the sacrament of marriage, a real opportunity is granted to carry marital unity throughout life in such a way that it can be continued into eternity. If we do not believe in the reality of this possibility, then we are not Christians. This means that we treat the Sacrament differently than the Church teaches us. There are not many sacred rites that are classified as Sacraments. Marriage is one of them. This should not be forgotten.

– Unfortunately, it often happens that initial love is replaced by mutual fatigue and irritation, and spouses are united only by habit of each other and routine common life. At the same time, it seems to them that the meaning and purpose of marriage - preserving the family - has been achieved, while the spiritual unity of two people has long been lost. How not to miss the moment when the first crack appears in the relationship between husband and wife? What symptoms indicate a beginning cooling of feelings?

– The Apostle Paul speaks words that apply equally to both husband and wife: “Bear each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2). In addition, we must not forget the words that are heard during the Wedding - that husbands should love their wives and take care of them, like the weakest vessel, and a wife should have awe of her husband: “husbands, treat your wives wisely, as with the weakest vessel, showing honor to them, as joint heirs of the grace of life...” (1 Pet. 3:7); “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church” (Eph. 5:25); “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church” (Eph. 5:22-23); “Let each of you love his wife as himself; but let the wife fear her husband” (Eph. 5:33).

This is not just rhetoric, this is the very principle of relations. A husband must have love-pity for someone who is weaker by nature - not only physically, but also in emotional organization, in the degree of internal stability, impressionability and dependence on the influences of the outside world. The husband should cover these emotional manifestations with love-pity, and not with the despotism of an eastern master or a corporal giving orders in the barracks.

But the wife must also remember that the correct hierarchical structure in the family implies the primacy of the husband. She can give advice, express her opinions, share observations... I will say more: wise wife subtly and delicately push her husband to make the right decision; her wisdom will lie in the ability to tactfully pass off her thoughts as his - thereby she will protect the family from conflicts. But a wife should not put herself first, and a husband should not abdicate responsibility. If these hierarchical relationships in the family are maintained, then the family will avoid many of the cataclysms that today are increasingly taking place between spouses who perceive the family as a democratic institution. Today, the initial focus on a family structure in which spouses are absolutely equal and everyone has the right to their own sovereignty and autonomy is becoming increasingly widespread. Just as in modern society the notorious human rights are put at the forefront, so in the family today each of the spouses strives to defend their personal rights. At the moment when such aspirations arise in the family, the spouses need to think: this is where the origins of mutual rivalry and many conflicts lie. After all, in traditional family There are no rights, but there are responsibilities. The duty to bear the burden of responsibility and the duty of obedience.

I remember the very wise observation of one experienced priest. He spoke about a situation when a wife sees the obvious wrongness of her husband, who is making a deliberately wrong decision. Now, if the wife treats this weak decision as obedience and the will of God, then the Lord will certainly turn it for good. Using examples from different families, I have repeatedly been convinced that this is exactly the case. If for the sake of Christ you humble yourself before the wrong in everyday life, life attitude husband's decision (now I'm not talking about situations where we're talking about about violation of moral principles), then the Lord will certainly turn everything around for the better.

As for the husband’s responsibilities, I repeat, first of all, this is a sense of responsibility. Nowadays, when women become more and more active and professionally in demand, these principles are distorted. “As you decide, so it will be,” “do as you want, just leave me alone,” a wife often hears from her tired husband. In such a desire to evade responsibility, to shift the decision onto the shoulders of another, there is something unmanly and improper, which also causes a bias in family relationships.

– It is clear that the idea of ​​a strict hierarchy was characteristic of a traditional family, where, perhaps, they did not even think about a different structure. But today the roles of women and men in society and, accordingly, in the family have shifted significantly. As you said, a woman has become professionally in demand, she has additional spheres of activity besides household chores, and in other families it is she who is the main breadwinner and breadwinner. How to deal with hierarchy in such a family?

– Similar role changes have happened before: such marriages were called misalliances. Only they were associated not so much with being busy at work, but with social status: say, a poor husband for rich wife, a merchant husband for a noblewoman wife. Such initial inequality, of course, is not very conducive to the development of harmonious family relationships. Naturally, it can also be overcome by the conscious effort of two people, when, say, the wife, despite her superior social status, does not strive to put herself in charge, and the husband does not have a complex about his small earnings, turning into the figure of a kind of offended sitter on the sofa . In this regard, one can recall the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears,” which is built on the conflict surrounding such a situation. It is truly difficult, although surmountable. But on the part of a woman, the deliberate reduction of her husband to the role of a housewife and the assumption of exclusively leadership functions, not only in terms of earning money and gaining social status, but in general, the role of an absolute leader is clearly a painful manifestation. Moreover, it is painful for both sides at the same time. No matter how much a woman convinces herself that it’s easier for her to live this way and that her husband is not capable of anything other than following her instructions and commands, deep down she cannot help but be hurt by the lack of male guidance and protection. Such role changes undermine both the relationship between spouses and the process of raising children, who borrow the models of their parents, projecting them for the rest of their lives. Therefore, regardless of the specifics of the current social status of the spouses, God is better given nature families strive to preserve at any cost.

– Returning to the question of female obedience and humility: what to do in a situation when the husband commits obvious mistake? Is it really possible that a wife, remembering the hierarchy, should withdraw and silently watch as a person close to her takes a deliberately wrong step?

– When such situations arise, it is best to turn to a priest: it is good if the husband and wife have a confessor who is dedicated to their family life and to whom in decisive disagreements they can turn as an arbitrator. This does not mean at all that husband and wife should have the same confessor. But in such situations, both should turn to the same priest, whom they trust as a moral and life authority and according to whose word they are ready to act. This will help resolve many conflicts and disagreements. If for one reason or another it is not possible to contact a priest (say, one of the spouses does not want to consult with anyone), then the situation becomes much more complicated. And here it is necessary to distinguish between types family conflicts. If the disagreement of the spouses concerns third parties - and as a rule, these are disagreements between parents in matters of upbringing - then we must proceed from the priority of the benefit of the souls of the children. If the husband demands something that is clearly wrong (for example, encouraging uncontrolled watching of TV, Internet use, and other unspiritual activities), then the wife, of course, should proceed not from the idea of ​​unconditional obedience to her husband, but from moral principles: in this case, from considerations of the benefit of the souls of the children. If we are talking about personal offense, then in this case we must be guided by the gospel rule, according to which the highest moral victory of a Christian is not retaliatory harshness and insult, but humble love and patience. It’s very hard to believe, but humble love really does win!

– What if each spouse has separate interests? Is it permissible for a husband or wife to have their own personal space - that territory that the other does not enter? And how natural is it for a husband or wife to want to retire and take a break from each other?

– The main word that should be pronounced here is the word “measure”. Let’s say, if the desire to “take a break from each other” means taking a walk, being alone with your thoughts, having free evening hours for work, for prayer, or simply for concentrated peace, then this is one thing. And it’s completely different if the desire to “relax” means going on vacation with friends. There is no need to talk about the painfulness of such impulses. That is why I am talking about the extent of these desires. Another important factor– this is the goal. If the internal attitude is to gather strength in order to live as a family, then this is not scary. If such a vacation becomes the focus of life itself, the ultimate dream, and the family is perceived as a painful sacrifice, heroism and asceticism, where there is no talk of love, then it is quite obvious that such a marriage is on the way to collapse.

Another thing is that you cannot extort unanimity from another person. This is a thing that, like love, cannot be demanded. “Be with me”, “open your soul to me”, “what are you thinking about now?”... The sphere of inner life is such a subtle thing that any shadow of coercion only gives rise to the opposite effect.

– You talked about the responsibilities of spouses. Do these responsibilities depend on the specifics of each family, the characters, and the degree of employment of the spouses? Or, despite all the social and other changes in modern family structure, are there once and for all established responsibilities assigned to each of them?

– I think it would be unnatural if everything related to motherhood were rejected by a Christian wife. It’s quite strange when a wife demands her husband to bottle feed the baby, take maternity leave, and then goes to work. It is clear that there are periods in the life of a little person when he is so close to his mother that to separate them at this moment would be, at the very least, unnatural and wrong. I’m not talking about the practically developing context, but specifically about the initial attitude of the spouses to replace these traditional roles. Just as the mother of a newborn baby, who immerses herself in work, is unnatural, so is the attitude of a husband who has chosen the household as the main sphere of effort and transferred the financial support of the family onto the shoulders of his wife.

Among other responsibilities, it is important to remember the functions of the father in relation to his sons and the mother in relation to daughters: it is rather strange to shift these functions to each other. Otherwise, there is no rigidity: each family distributes responsibilities in its own way. Thinking that in Holy Scripture There are no regulations on marital functions. It talks about the principle marriage union as an image of the union of Christ and the Church, about love, about trembling and readiness to accept the will of another, but not about a list of responsibilities. Therefore, keeping in mind main task and the meaning of marriage, each family organizes its life in its own way.

– What to do in a situation – alas, common and recognizable – when people who have been married for many years suddenly realize that they are complete strangers to each other: they have neither common interests, nor mutual understanding, let alone love?

-... and secular people are already summing up the marriage, saying that they are no longer connected by anything, that there is still an opportunity to find someone better, younger, to create another family, to reanimate in themselves that fire of feelings, that delightful state of love in which they once got married... What can I say? Every family goes through periods of crises and trials. And such moments confirm that the path of bearing the cross is an integral part of our earthly life. Any life - not necessarily in the family: be it the bitterness of loneliness or the trials of monasticism, which in no way protects from temptations, crises, or disappointments. But a Christian has support. The Christian knows that God does not make false promises. And although it seems to us that there is no end to the black streak, that there is no longer any strength to resist, that the heart has completely dried up, and White light not nice, but we know that God never gives tests beyond measure! If we do not give up, if, according to the word of Elder Ambrose of Optina, not having the spirit of love, we try to do deeds of love towards others, then the Lord, in due time, will return to us the spirit of love.

Father Alexander Schmemann in his book “For the Life of the World” has a very accurate image of marital love. Recalling that all fairy tales and films, as a rule, end with a wedding and a sweet kiss of lovers, he cites his own image of love, which arose when looking at an elderly Parisian couple. Not too beautiful, not too young, they sat in the autumn Luxembourg Garden, silently holding hands. It was all over, the storms had passed, the temptations had been overcome, and they had gone through it together. And this silence, peace and the opportunity to sit next to each other, holding each other’s hands after 25-30-40 years is the miracle of marriage that can be continued into eternity.

Interviewed by Alexandrina Vigilyanskaya

“Vinograd” is the only Orthodox magazine for parents in Russia.

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We continue the series of publications of excerpts from the book of the Greek priest George Dombarakis “Connections and Relationships”, translated by nun Ekaterina specifically for the Matrona.RU portal. Today we will talk about marital unity.

You can increasingly hear words of concern from the most different people that our society is extremely unhealthy O in. But how can a society be healthy and successful in which the institution of the family is experiencing enormous problems and is falling apart literally before our eyes?

Perhaps, correcting the current situation must begin from within, and not vice versa. People tend to shift responsibility to someone else because it is very difficult to take responsibility on yourself. Society, the state, other people... whoever is to blame. Of course, the current situation is also to blame modern society, in which the spirit of receiving pleasure, voluptuousness, satisfying all possible lusts, hunting for human glory, and the desire to achieve profit at any cost prevails more and more. All this cultivates and elevates selfish lifestyle, which means it contributes to the disintegration of the individual and family. Facilities mass media, with all the terrifying power of influence they enjoy, play the most significant role in this, replacing, “turning inside out” the main moral values society - love, friendship, marriage, family happiness, raising children... However, first of all, responsibility for the family falls on the people who create this family - on the spouses.

One of the main problems of our era: the increase in the number of divorces

Quantity divorces is constantly and steadily increasing, there are already more of them than marriages. Not only recently newlyweds get divorced, but also couples who have been married for many years.

What are the reasons for this truly tragic situation? Why are people ready to dissolve the existing unity? There are many reasons. And yet the “root of evil”, the reason for most divorces, is selfishness of both spouses. Very often, behind the clash there is an exaltation of one’s “I”, which does not recognize another opinion, cannot endure offense, does not accept self-doubt. Usually a person's "starting point" is the confidence that his own opinion is correct, so when there is no spiritual principle in the relationship of a married couple, the natural continuation is conflict, disdain to a partner mental distance from each other and finally a break up. The great elder of our era, Father Paisius, spoke about this directly and indirectly: “In order to strike a spark, you need to have two stones. If there is one stone and you knock it on the ground, the spark will not ignite. Stones are the selfishness of both spouses".

Selfishness is the essence sin. Thus, in every destruction of marital unity, sin is at work, which means that the main reason for the existence of divorces and the increase in their number is spiritual. In other words, to the extent that we erase God from our lives, not “theoretically”, but in practice - with our sins - to the same extent we erase our neighbors from it, in this case, our spouse.

Unity of spouses: the will of the Triune God and the incessant petition of the Church

Unfortunately, even some Christians are influenced by the worldly spirit of modern times and distort the spiritual criteria by which they are guided. Therefore, it is necessary, first of all, to remind ourselves of what God’s will is regarding marriage and marital unity.

The unity of husband and wife is not based on simple social necessity or on the “whim” of some people. It contains the will of God on earth. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.”- the Lord tells us (Matthew 19:5-6). That is why our Church does not consider spouses to be relatives. Kinship have, for example, parents and children or brothers and sisters in relation to each other. But the parents themselves are not relatives to each other. They are one: one man, one flesh. It’s not for nothing that in everyday life you can hear from a husband about his wife or from a wife about her husband: “my other half.”

It is no coincidence that the Church considers the first and main purpose of marriage not the birth of children, but complementarity of spouses. Childbirth is also important task, but it is secondary, like raising children. To preserve marital and family peace It is important not to confuse this sequence of priorities.

When spouses complement each other, it serves as a means of moving toward Christ and connecting with Him. This movement is nothing other than the main goal that God has set for man - deification. So marriage is the path to deification, which must be completed to the end. The same thing happens if a person leads a different way of life, which was also determined by the Lord Himself - meaning celibacy, virginity in Christ, complete dedication to God. Monk- be it the one who has shut himself up in a monastery, or the one who is engaged in missionary work in the world - works for one goal, just like a layman living in marriage: he strives to please the Lord and be like Him as much as possible, to become like Him . Therefore it does not have so much of great importance To save a person, the choice is between marriage and monasticism. The main thing is to choose the path that suits the person and along which he can “endure to the end.” One person asked Elder Porfiry a question: “Perhaps the Lord wants me to become a monk for my salvation?” The elder replied: “God wants what you want. Do what you want and God will help you. It is enough that you do it properly.".

No believer can doubt that life in a Christian marriage has a pronounced ascetic character. After all, it is impossible to become the image of Christ without struggling with your egoism and without persistence in true love. The Lord constantly calls the one who gets married practice the love of Christ- firstly, in relation to the spouse, then to the children and, finally, to the rest of the world with which this person is connected. Life in love- that's what it does married life righteous, “justifies” her. That is why it seems unacceptable when a lay person living in marriage considers any sacrifice made natural for him for the sake of his relatives, his family, but becomes indifferent or even negative when it comes to helping anyone outside his home and family. In this case, a special type of egoism manifests itself - family type selfishness.

Marriage is a bridge leading members of a small earthly family to a heavenly one. big family- The Church and the Kingdom of God.

How to maintain marital unity?

The unity of spouses is the will of God and, at the same time, a difficult path, struggle and feat. This state is not given just like that to a person entering into marriage. But any person gets in marriage grace of God, which makes him capable of achieving this unity, preserving and increasing it.

Here we can draw a parallel with the monastic way of life: when a monk is tonsured, he also receives grace, which strengthens him in his monastic path and helps him become worthy of this title. There is one phrase in the prayer for the rite of monastic vows: “Have you promised to abide in these vows even to the end of your life, by the grace of Christ?”, and the tonsured one answers: “I will help God”(this means that, no matter what virtues a monk acquires, he should not attribute them to himself, but to the help of God, without which nothing can be achieved). The same thing happens when entering into marital communication. The spouses take the grace given to them, which gives them the strength to fight to become united “to the end of the belly”!

But what exactly can and should be done in order to preserve and increase marital unity?

1. Nobody is perfect

Spouses need, first of all, to fully understand the fact that human nature is imperfect. A person who enters into marriage with the false feeling that he himself or his chosen one or chosen one has perfection, unfortunately, very quickly becomes disappointed. Because he neglected the most important and central truth of Christian anthropology, which states that man comes into this world with a tendency to sin in his nature. No one is perfect, which means that every person carries within himself both positive and negative qualities. Consequently, the sooner spouses learn to tolerate the weaknesses of their “other half”, the less strictly they begin to judge each other, the more calm-blooded they will be in overcoming inevitable misunderstandings and family conflicts and the more they will contribute to the preservation of marital unity.

2. Selfishness

Since, as we found out above, selfishness is the essence of sin, and it is precisely this that causes most divorces, spouses must wage constant spiritual warfare both with selfishness itself and with its branches - voluptuousness, love of money and vanity.

3. First of all, the relationship between spouses

Spouses need to correctly place emphasis and understand that top priority for them it’s theirs relationships with each other. Quite often a mistake is made, and spouses begin to devote themselves completely to their children, to live for them and for their sake. Some spouses go so far as to save their marriage just for the sake of their children.

And yet, children will grow up and leave their parents’ family. But the marriage will remain permanent. Closer to old age, the couple will be left alone again - as was the case when they got married. Therefore, let the eyes of each spouse constantly look for their “other half,” and let the husband and wife try to please each other. All these are expressions of love, attention and care.

Let's listen to the advice that the greatest ecumenical teacher of the Church, St. John Chrysostom, gave to a certain husband in relation to his wife: “I (so tell her) prefer your love more than anything in the world, and nothing is more painful or unpleasant for me than to ever find myself separated from you. And even if I lose everything, if I become the poorest man on earth, and no matter what troubles and dangers happen to me on my life’s path, I will endure all this calmly and easily, if only you were next to me.”.

4. Confessor

Finally, the last and very important factor that helps preserve and strengthen Christian marriage and marital unity is the presence of spouses general confessor. Without wishing to make our opinion absolute, we are still confident that the choice of the same spiritual father by spouses greatly helps them in their family life, since the common spiritual father knows both of them and can give more correct and appropriate advice to the occasion.

Marital unity and children

Spouses who try to maintain unity with each other manage to create a favorable and good atmosphere in the family so that children grow up in a harmonious environment. The most important “method” in pedagogy is the love that parents feel and show for each other. It is not for nothing that all modern great elders, such as Fr. Paisiy and Fr. Porfiry, special attention is paid to the fact that normal development The child's life depends absolutely and completely on the quality of the parents' relationships with each other. “Let your children never see you arguing with each other.”, - Elder Porfiry advises on this matter.

Thus, the unity of husband and wife in the family contributes to the spiritual growth of not only the spouses themselves, but also their children, and, more broadly, society as a whole. Let's take schools as an example: it is known that behind almost every act of a disobedient, undisciplined student, there is some problem hidden in the relationship between both the child and his mother and father, and between the parents themselves.

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– Dmitry, in your opinion, what does a person look for in marriage?

– Every person strives to make his life better, but the concept of “better” is different for everyone, therefore, in marriage, everyone is looking for something different. Thus, a man who is wise in life will look for an assistant and a reliable companion, and in a girl he will value obedience and loyalty. Young people usually value physical beauty. There are also those who, through marriage, hope to get a promotion or improve their financial condition. Indeed, marriage can give a lot. However, the eternal problem is that people often don’t know what they need. You can remove the shell from the bottom, eat the oyster, and throw away the pearl. It’s the same in marriage: you can take advantage of only its most superficial side and not realize its true value until the end of your days. Of course, first of all, you need to pray that God will send you the right person.

At one time, it helped me a lot to understand that it is extremely difficult to convert another person to faith and re-educate him, so I immediately tried to find a believing girl. But then I had not yet thought about such an important gift of marriage as the opportunity to have children. It is now understood that for self-realization it is very important for a man to leave “his mark” in life. Is it possible to leave a better “mark” than to raise your child as a true Christian, a person with capital letters? And I think that a father who did not raise his son would not be fully realized.

An even greater gift, although not immediately achievable, is the opportunity to love and be loved. On the one hand, marriage allows you to legally satisfy carnal desire, which outside of marriage is a sin. But this side weakens over time. Therefore, in order for marriage to bring joy to the spouses, it is necessary to cultivate true love, learn to sacrifice yourself for the sake of another person.

Last year I was offered to head the Klin branch of a social movement. Among other things, we analyze the reasons for marital instability. And the main reasons are the unwillingness of spouses to sacrifice their interests and the lack of true ideals.

– What ideal should we strive for?

– On the one hand, God gives each person the freedom to choose an ideal, but on the other hand, with the commandments he protects from possible error. Happiness does not consist in having a wide choice of roads, but in following your own, the only correct one. The world is designed in such a way that when a person sins, he goes astray from his path, so the family ideal must simultaneously have individuality and, for the sake of the well-being of the person himself, be within the framework established by God.

In hierarchical terms, the Christian ideal involves the submission of the husband to God, the submission of the wife to her husband, and the primacy of parents over children. From a moral point of view, a single marriage between one boy and one girl is considered ideal. The Lord also speaks about the indissolubility of marriage, except in cases of adultery.

Statistics clearly testify in favor of Orthodox ideals. Thus, the most stable marriages are those in which the spouses did not have premarital affairs. It must be said that in the first decade after perestroika, as a result of the propaganda of free sexual relations the rate of divorced marriages increased to 80% of the number of prisoners. Now, largely thanks to the growing influence of the Orthodox Church in society, this figure has returned to the level of the late 80s (about 60%). But there were times in Russia when this figure was 700 times lower (for example, in 1871, 770 divorced marriages were registered throughout the country!). At that time, our state largely adhered to Orthodox norms, and it is worth thinking about how much better the Orthodox ideal is than the modern one, in which no one in the family fulfills their responsibilities.

– It is clear that in a family everyone should have their own responsibilities. Relying on your personal experience, tell me, what are the responsibilities of the head of the family?

– A man, to a greater extent than a woman, is endowed with the ability for strategic thinking, which is so necessary for a leader. His first duty, according to the Christian ideal, is to ensure his submission to God. Unfortunately, now the husband usually neglects the laws of God, or, out of pride, accepts them only as recommendations. Accordingly, the wife either ignores the headship of her husband or is united with him common interests as with an equal. In the latter case, when, as they say, the husband and wife look in the same direction, the marriage can already be called happy. It doesn’t hurt the wife’s pride so much and allows the spouses to build life together. But ideally, unity of views is only A good reason for unification, but in the marriage itself the wife must still submit to her husband, otherwise responsibility from the husband as a leader is removed. The second most important duty of the head of the family, I would call the husband’s duty to take care of the salvation of the souls of his household, and, according to the word of the Lord, “everything else will be added.”