How to create a strong and happy family? How to create a happy family
What is family?! It would seem that the answer is obvious. A family is two people who love each other and are bound by marriage. But very often, in order to keep a family strong and friendly, love alone is not enough.
IN family relationships It is very important to be able to work in a team. To be support and support for the spouse in everything, sometimes even stepping over yourself and your interests. It is also very important to be able to talk with a partner. Willingness to solve problems and compromise. But do not forget about the intimate component of marriage. After all, touching a loved one and good sex with him, sometimes, even the most serious problems can be solved.
With difficulty in family life all face couples, and, unfortunately, the majority gives up already at the first everyday troubles. But those who take the trouble to make some effort will be rewarded with true harmony in family life.
The first difficulties lie in wait for the family at the very beginning of marriage - the so-called crisis of 3 years of marriage. It is associated with the appearance of the first-born in the family. A young mother begins to pay all her attention to a new family member, and dad begins to think that her beloved has lost all interest in him.
Increasingly, the news of the birth of a child becomes a surprise for future parents. And keeping a family in such a situation can be quite difficult. As a rule, in such a situation, dad continues to lead his usual way of life, and all responsibility falls on the fragile mother's shoulders. Often added to this postpartum depression. In such a difficult situation, a young mother can only patiently and calmly explain to her husband how important her husband's help and support is for her.
Try to gently and unobtrusively create conditions for the baby and dad to spend more time together. This will help to "turn on" the father's instinct in the father and establish communication with the child. Then the relationship between the spouses will gradually improve, and the issue of preserving the marriage will not be so acute.
If the pregnancy was planned by the couple in advance, and the child was born desired, then keeping the family after the birth of the child is quite simple. Young parents just need to reasonably approach the distribution of responsibilities for caring for a little person.
By caring for a baby together, a husband and wife will spend more time with each other than if someone does it alone. By consulting and making decisions together, you will learn to better understand each other and develop common approaches and views on raising your child.
The rational distribution of responsibilities has several other huge advantages.
- Firstly, a busy dad will no longer feel abandoned and useless, and the baby’s love will to some extent compensate for the lack of attention from his wife.
- Secondly When mom is freed from some of the trouble, she will become less tired, which means that her mood will improve, her strength and desire to pay attention to her husband will increase.
But sometimes all the tricks are in vain, and the husband "goes to the left." Then before each loving woman a logical question arises: how to save a family if the husband has cheated?
To save a marriage after the infidelity of a spouse, you first of all have to decide: can you forgive the betrayal? If the answer is no, then you should just leave. No matter how painful and difficult it may be for you. It is impossible to live with a person if a feeling of resentment gnaws from day to day, and each time you mentally imagine your husband in the arms of another.
If you are still ready to forgive adultery and never return to this page of your life, then you should first understand why this happened. Try to analyze your communication and relationships for yourself. Lately. Think about how you could offend your loved one? What advantages did he find in sex on the side?
Distract yourself from the thought that you cheated with someone. Focus on the fact that cheating is resentment spilled over the edge and dissatisfaction with family relationships. If you yourself have not been able to find the cause, then talk to your husband. But you should seriously prepare for this kind of conversation: set yourself up for the fact that all emotions should be left aside. The calmer your conversation goes, the more constructive it will turn out. Turn to the ear, do not interrupt the man, and then he will tell you everything.
When all the i's are dotted, still do not rush to turn on emotions. No matter how paradoxical it may sound, feelings are not always a good adviser in love affairs, and even more so in family matters. Try to develop a business approach to the current situation.
Compose on a piece of paper detailed plan actions. Your husband voiced your completeness?! So, point number 1 is to sign up for fitness or Gym. No money?! Well, he found money for his mistress, you will certainly find money for yourself! In the very last resort jogging in the park and the sports campus at the school stadium has not been canceled. And in this way, go through all the points voiced by your spouse.
No one will argue that the institution of marriage is now in a serious crisis. Many couples, having lived together for several years, realize that marriage was a mistake, and there really was no love.
Some families break up due to numerous problems that gradually kill the love of one of the spouses.
First, try to find out if this is true or if you are just winding yourself up. Women, for the most part, tend to dramatize and look for a problem where there is none. Perhaps your spouse is not doing well right now or fatigue has accumulated. Then just stay close to him, make it clear - no matter what, you are his support and support.
If you are 100% sure that past feelings no longer, you should seriously think about whether you love him, or whether it was a serious, but still temporary hobby. In this case, it may not make sense to keep the family. Wasting time trying to save something that isn't there can leave you missing out on the person you really are.
If, nevertheless, this is love, and it was mutual, but for some reason your spouse has cooled off, and you are sure of the desire to save your family, then start comparing.
Compare the woman your husband fell in love with at the beginning of your relationship with the real you. Is the difference significant? Are you superior to that woman in everything? Just try to be as honest with yourself as possible.
From your cunning, the current situation will not improve. During the comparison, do not stoop to the comparison "and I to him - and he to me." This is counterproductive! After all, it is you who want your husband to love you again, so the whole initiative should come solely from you, and all responsibility for this is also on you.
The easiest way is not to restore cooled feelings, but to fall in love with your husband again. Especially since you've already done it once. So the second time will be much easier.
Do not be reminded that men love with their eyes. Therefore, first of all, change your appearance. Just don't overdo it. You should please the eye, not shock.
Almost all men love sex. And your task is to return this sex to your life. If it is, then you need to make it interesting and diverse. Even if you have been together for many years, then in intimate sphere you still have something to try new. Perhaps your spouse has an old erotic fantasy. It's time to implement it. The more touches, including intimate ones, in your family life, the faster you will get closer again.
Men don't grow up. And you, like no one else, know your preferences big baby. Pamper him! Give him something that he has been dreaming of for so long, but until now it has remained out of reach for him.
If you have been together for many years and in the heat of everyday troubles have greatly moved away from each other, then try to return to your life common interests. Ask how your day went. Perhaps your spouse has new hobbies - take them Active participation. Try to spend more time together. You can just walk or do some common business.
But do not force your loved one to spend time with you or do something that he does not like. Love cannot be forced! But a wise woman will always find a way to veil her desires and push a man in the right direction.
Try to bring romance back into your relationship. Your the main task- color the gray days. Regain interest in you as a woman.
In order to return his love, you need to prove to your husband again that you really need him and is very important to you. That you still love him very much. And only you know how to do this best, because no one knows your husband better than you.
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Why do men take lovers?
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How to create strong family? Advice for women
ABOUT strong family all girls dream. If you want to get married, then for life. However, the statistics of divorces in our country says that far from everyone can create a strong family. Let's talk about what is necessary for your family relationships to become, if not ideal, but strong and durable.
In order for a family to become strong, it is necessary to learn how to solve all issues and problems together, get out of family quarrels even stronger, learn to put the interests of the family at the forefront. All of the above is very difficult to do. To do this, you need to have a very strong character, be smart, reasonable and know that you can destroy any union in a few minutes, but create a new one ... this may take you a lifetime. So let's learn to be wiser.
1. The main rule of any strong family - This keep love and respect under any circumstances. So don't let yourself break this rule. Remember, if you have chosen a person and married him, then you must treat him reverently with respect and love. If you allow yourself to humiliate your husband, then at the same time you will humiliate your relationship and yourself. After all, you chose him as your wife. Believe me, you can forgive a lot, even humiliation, but after that, relations change very much.
2. Next rule a strong family is be able to quarrel. Do not think that you will be able to avoid conflicts with your spouse, no family is complete without quarrels and showdowns. The main thing is to put up with it correctly and be able to draw conclusions after that. In any conflict, two people are to blame. Therefore, not only do you have to understand the reason why your family quarrel, you still have to resolve it and draw conclusions for the future. All you need for this is a sober look at things and a calm conversation with your half. In order for your look to be really sober, so that your resentment does not cover it, give yourself and your spouse time to cool down before reconciling. Your emotions should subside. Because in a fit of anger, you can say too much to each other, and then it will be hard to forget many of the words spoken.
3. Another rule of a strong family is forgiveness. Believe me, it doesn't ideal men like women. Everyone makes mistakes in their life. So if you want to be wise woman, save your family, make it stronger, then learn to forgive. Your spouse can offend you, forget about your holiday, say a rude phrase. Think about what prompted him to do this, what is the reason for this behavior. Try to understand and forgive him.
4. An important rule of a strong family - be able to turn a blind eye to shortcomings. Are you tired of your spouse throwing socks around the apartment? Or tired that he does not remove the dishes from the table after he eats? Are you arguing with him? Have you set your teeth on edge, proving to him where to put his things? Think about what costs you more - yell at him, sort things out, or quickly put the dishes in the sink, throw your socks in the basket, put things in their place? Perhaps some of the shortcomings you do better to learn to ignore. Believe me, men also turn a blind eye to many things. Think at least about your cosmetics, which are placed throughout the apartment. Therefore, be more forgiving.
5. The fifth and last rule on our list is respect for the family of your chosen one. Whatever relationship you have with your father-in-law, always remember that it was they who raised and raised your husband, they gave him a lot. The main advantage of many women is the ability to endure. Therefore, be strong, never allow yourself to speak badly about your husband's parents.
If you want your family to be strong, so that it is not afraid of any trials, then you need to work on yourself, on your relationships, learn to love, respect, understand, forgive your spouse. After all, the strength of your relationship depends only on you.
Creating a family is a difficult and long process that does not always end in success. In most cases, it turns out to be an excellent and comfortable cell of society, and in some cases pain and disappointment remain. How to avoid this and form complete family? This question is asked by many young girls and guys, which is why it is worth starting to solve it!
What is stopping you from starting a family?
You also need to deal with the problem that prevents you from creating a happy family. It could be several factors:
- permanent employment. You are either very passionate about something, or always at work, or your life consists of a family, children. In this case, you just need to unwind, take a walk, do something interesting.
- Parents. If your mother is against a relationship with certain person, then the question involuntarily arises in my head: "Is it worth starting them?" In any case, you are already an adult, so try to make your own decision!
Serious dating for a family
You are not yet a married couple and you do not have an applicant to become one. Then you need to find a person who could make your family leisure happy, make life bright and fun! It is worth taking a closer look: perhaps this person is next to you. First, look for a caring guy or girl around you.
If no one compliments you, gives you gifts and other pleasant events, then it's time to discard people from your environment. Now do the following:
- Get outside. Take a walk, spend more time on fresh air. There is a possibility that your person is close. Therefore, walk!
- Dating websites. Visit various dating sites, pages attractive men V in social networks. Do not be too intrusive, but you can write first!
In order to start a relationship, you need to work long and hard, and not just sit in one place. Be sure to try, because every attempt brings you closer to success!
What should be done first? First Steps to Shared Happiness
To begin with, while you are still an ordinary couple, you need to not only create a trusting atmosphere, but also do the following list of actions:
- Avoid quarrels and conflicts. To create a happy family, you need to try to avoid major quarrels, terrible conflicts. Try to either translate them into a joke, or find a solution to the problem together. Listen to the comments of the second half, express your opinion, but not too much. Work on yourself and first of all pay attention to yourself.
- Don't let other people interfere with your privacy. You should not tell everyone what problems you have, especially in the family. Try to deal with everything on your own, with a guy. If there are any worries, then do not be shy - discuss them with your soulmate. Your future home is your cozy territory, in which you need to immediately build understanding and trust.
All this is worth considering while you are an ordinary couple. Do not create much conflict and try not to divulge all the secrets of your personal life. You can ask for advice from your parents, girlfriend, but do it within reason.
How is a family formed? Or what is life made of?
Now you are more than a couple if you started to trust each other and stopped making all quarrels something important and focusing too much on them. It's time to create a cell of society, and in the second step, do this:
- One of the conditions for starting a family is While you are still a couple, it may not be that important, but when you start life together, then all the changes will be obvious. That is why plan all your actions in advance, try to distribute responsibilities. It is also based on the creation Orthodox family.
- One of important conditions creating a happy family common child. Therefore, if you want to have a baby, then be sure to consider this important life step, calculate the approximate costs. The sooner you have a baby, the sooner you can good family. You should not delay, but the birth should also be in appropriate conditions.
When you consider these 2 points, it will become much easier to start a good and loving family.
How to create a friendly family? Basic rules in a family with a child
IN modern world development of computer technologies, new areas in the information structure, each person becomes more or less dependent on gadgets. That is why the usual friendly communication goes by the wayside. In order to return it, you must:
- One of the most important aspects of starting a family is understanding your child's little joys. Try to remember when the baby was the happiest and repeat this moment! Find enough time to spend with your child. It is during the time that you spend with your child that you can learn about his desires and experiences.
- New acquaintances. To create a family, you must immediately accustom your children to the daily routine. Show the kid some child of his age who makes the bed, does his homework. It can be set as an example, but do not overdo it. Otherwise, the children may think that you do not love them and become very upset.
- If you have a free minute, then talk to the baby. During a walk, breakfast or at another free moment, ask how he is doing, what he did at or school. Maintain dialogue if necessary.
The most important thing is to talk to people, and your child is no exception, rather, on the contrary, a shining example.
Why do relationships fade? Warm feelings in the family
Sooner or later you begin to realize that there is a crisis in your feelings. Former passion has already passed, all the days are becoming ordinary and nondescript. What to do? Looking for an answer:
- Family creation. Men in some couples very often forget that time flies very quickly and it's time to start building a family. That is why, if you are still loving couple, but the relationship begins to fade, then think about building a family hearth.
- Humble yourself. If you are already a family, then just accept the idea that relationships will not always be great. Remember why you fell in love with your husband or wife? Scroll warm and pleasant moments in your head, it will become easier.
- Compliments. Do you think your man has stopped complimenting you? Then bestow flattering words on him! Remind me how smart, strong and good your boyfriend is! Give compliments first to get them back!
- Solve all problems calmly. Some other arose unpleasant situation, because of which you and your wife had a big fight? Try to resolve the conflict differently next time, using tenderness and understanding! After all, it is understanding that is the basis of future family victories and one of critical aspects creating a family!
- Don't be a selfish person. Do not think only about yourself, anticipate situations in advance and take care of your wife and children. In ideal married couples, spouses depend on each other, but equally.
Another aspect worth highlighting in a separate paragraph is Every person makes mistakes. After all, if you do something for the first time, then shortcomings are possible.
If a person has made a mistake and sincerely repents of it, then forget and forgive. No one is immune from unpleasant incidents. Also, do not remind your partner about the problem and make it a "life lesson". Family happiness consists of care and warmth. You build it yourself, invest tenderness. The creation of a family by a woman is the most important thing in her life.
Conclusion
In order to create good friendly family you need to work hard on your happiness!
First of all, creating a family is a difficult process that includes: understanding each other, the ability to forgive and negotiate, distribute responsibilities, etc. But everything is in your hands, which is why take advantage of the moment! While you are still an ordinary couple, but soon you will be a family! Learn to plan and anticipate situations!
adminBuilding a family laborious process in which all participants are involved. The slightest mistake on the one hand can be a source of collapse of family relationships. From this the question arises: “Are the husband, wife and children always a family?”. Perhaps these are cohabitants who live together only because of the circumstances. They come after work, have a quick supper and go to their own bedrooms. So how to create happy family where there is respect, trust and love.
Five Rules for a Successful Existence
There are 5 rules that will serve as a guide for you to create a fruitful cooperation. These rules are designed and thought out for the development of mutual respect and love. After all, without these foundations it is impossible to create a happy family.
Comparing yourself to your partner is unacceptable. Comparison gives each person objective moments of knowledge. But when starting to compare, it is important not to “pull the blanket” on yourself.
If you notice that you are starting to compare yourself with your soulmate, run away from it.
You are different - learn to admire it! Character traits, actions loved one do not always match our ideals. Learn to admire it. Think how good it is that you are slow and your partner reacts quickly to situations.
You learn opposite qualities from each other while enhancing your own. You learn to be more active in life, and your soulmate learns to pause. By admiring our partner, we enrich our inner world.
Help move forward. Relationships often lack mutual support. If you don't know how to create a happy family, learn to support your own spouse. Listen, give advice, look for new ideas and give hints.
Highlight in a partner strengths and exalt them. In family relationships, it is important to feel a person, and for this you need to know how he lives, what worries him.
Learn to agree. Let your consent be sincere. To or 1-2 day resentment in married life one half may agree. But at the same time, the intonation of the phrase is such that everyone understands that you think differently.
In general, the ability to agree with the opinion of the second half is already half of a percent of a sincere relationship. After all, everyone wants to hear an affirmative answer in response to a statement. As a result, a feeling of contentment and security arises in the soul.
If the family often argues, find out who is right, the members also face danger. A person lives in a sense of a dirty trick. Learn to say "Yes" and you will see how the second half becomes softer. Please note that it is not the scale that is important, but agreement with at least part of what is proposed.
Sometimes being right is more important than intimacy in a relationship. People tend to prove themselves right. But at the same time, the feeling of unity and closeness is lost. What is important to you in this evidence? Feel the power and own meaning? Then do you need to be together? Spouses should look for something that is akin to them.
Before defending the rightness, think about what you get from this? Do you want to stay together and build strong relationships or prove the weight of your own voice? Being in a relationship is not a sacrifice of one's own ideals and interests. This is a search for a position when both feel good.
Try not to tell others what to do. After all, at this moment you yourself are faced with a choice. Shift the emphasis to your own side and think in which direction to move. There are no right and wrong in family life. The truth is always in the middle.
How to build a happy marriage?
Some spouses enjoy life together, while the other half of the couples prefer to spend time teaching children and grandchildren. Gives pleasure to some active life, full of drive, others get adrenaline watching their favorite TV shows on a quiet evening. Happiness is different, just like different families.
Family happiness in children
The main factor, both the desire and the fear of starting a family, is the birth of children. The birth of new members of society should not happen by chance. Family relationships are excellent if parents understand their own responsibility.
It is necessary to be aware of what problems will arise, what financial investments will be required. Plan children, taking into account the material and moral situation,. Seek help from couples who already have children and know how to create a happy family. Do not delay childbearing and give yourself the joy of being parents.
If you think having a baby will be an obstacle to education or career growth, take a look around. Hundreds of thousands of families combine study, work and.
Creating a family - finding compromises
There is a lot of work in family relationships and the main task is to find a solution that will suit both. Consider the interests of your husband or wife. Does he want you to wear a less provocative outfit? Add elegance to everyday wardrobe. Socks or candy wrappers scattered around the house? Teach order.
Parents, friends will not help to find a compromise. Your family is a private matter and you must create peace and comfort on your own. The more you communicate together, the faster you will find a way out of the situation. You decide how to behave, establish a personal space and learn best friend friend.
The first time is hard, but who said it was an easy process? Take it positively. The more you are together, the faster you will learn the advantages and disadvantages. After living in a parental home, it is difficult to accept responsibility and follow new orders.
Learn to bypass petty conflicts and forget grievances. Solve problems in a quiet, trusting environment so that respect for each other lasts a lifetime.
Understanding and forgiveness are the foundation
The ability to listen and accept the position of the second half - important task, by deciding which you will create a happy unit of society. Learn to forgive and not remember grievances so that they do not fall as a heavy burden. Trust and respect will help you interact and get out of the most conflict situations.
Understand what is more important: understanding or constant nit-picking and life in reproaches? Indeed, after a long negativity, a time of disgust may come, when each of the spouses, as if under a microscope, examines the shortcomings and criticizes. In the first years of life, spouses only get to know each other and it is important to be patient at this time.
Do not offend dear person ultimatums or threats of separation. Learn to restrain harsh words and think constructively. This will give weight to the words and create an atmosphere of respect. After all, everyone has flaws and some of them can be reconciled. Think about why you chose your soulmate and evaluate the merits.
Give smiles and praise and you will get the same in return. Everyone is pleased to see with him a person who is satisfied with his life, and not a dull person. By expressing positivity, you energize those around you, creating a happy atmosphere for family life.
What is a happy family based on?
Romantics are pleased to know that the family is an elevated society, where everyone praises and adores their soulmate. And it's a shame to hear that creating a family is work.
Family life can be perceived as a science. To create and maintain a happy family, it is necessary to apply the methods of addition, subtraction. Add passion, jealousy to everyday relationships. Take away hope and give it back. Learn to negotiate so that there is equality and balance in everything. Who performs what duties, who goes first to reconciliation, who gives in more often and who walks with friends less often.
If you really want to learn how to create a happy family, remember that not always. What will replace her? This is up to you. Build you trusting relationship, learn to forgive insults, will you support your partner? It's not about grandiloquent phrases, but about the path that each family chooses.
March 15, 2014 Consultations and predictions about when and with whom relationships will develop, the possibility of having a child and looking at all the prospects is a completely normal situation. But viewing such questions does not always reveal the underlying causes of failures in the personal life of the person who applied for help. But it is the knowledge of the causes of these failures that can change your life. Therefore, if you really want to have a family and children - regardless of age and circumstances - know that you can always find a way out.The main reasons for the problems of people who cannot start a family
The most main reason- this is, perhaps, still a creation ideal images partner. Moreover, the person himself is not always aware of the discrepancy between his ideal and reality. Everyone wants a beautiful, smart, wealthy, caring and loving only you. That is, we are looking for an abstract person with a set of qualities and character traits that simply do not exist in reality and cannot belong to only one person. The second reason that slows down a person on the way to the successful creation of a family is our past. Once having met a person and having fallen in love with him, we no longer recognize anyone and are not looking for anything new, all the rest are just faded shadows passing by. The third reason is unfinished business, work and career. There is so much to do and achieve! And this, of course, also takes time. We are constantly busy resolving issues and satisfying our interests, earning and acquiring things, cars, apartments, trips and travels. We are chasing the recognition of colleagues and the acquisition of power. Where in this race will there be time for a personal life? Another reason: we do not love and do not value ourselves. Complexes and insecurity, vulnerability and weakness of character... As a result, we find a bunch of reasons and program ourselves for failure, subconsciously completely rejecting the possibility of happy family happiness. And often I hear from a person such a phrase: "I want to have a family and children, help me." I hear, but I don’t see, that in reality this is exactly what he wants. He is simply based on the concepts of society and the people around him, on what he sees married couples around, he, it seems, also wants to be the same. But he has no real inner desire. There is such a thing in human nature; he gets used to freedom and lack of commitment, just going with the flow. Of course, these are not all reasons. failed attempts creating a family: there are many other, individual moments. Such a reason may be, for example, an energy imbalance, because of which men simply do not notice a woman in you. full sense of this word, do not feel attraction to you - that is why they do not have a desire to create a family with you and live happy life. Or your energy can be completely exhausted when you have spent all your energy on achieving in your career or communicating with a large number of people. There are also frequent cases when there is close energetic vampire, which can also interfere with the successful arrangement of your personal life.Tips for those who still want to start a family and have children
The very first thing is to want it right“It is right to want to have a family and children” - this may sound silly, but: - You need to understand and realize your desire, regardless of the circumstances of your life, past experience and abandon all stereotypes; - you need to thoroughly analyze the situation, identify regular problems that you have in relationships with the opposite sex; - understand why you need it and what you will get in the end. Having worked through all these points, you will be able to understand exactly what you want from a partner and relationship. This will be the first step to create a full-fledged family. Second: remove obstacles In any relationship, the energy compatibility of people is very important. Many women, as well as men, cannot start a family just because they do not understand what exactly they need. A person does not always understand and realize with whom he will feel good, therefore, paying attention only to the appearance he likes, he finds only disappointment. Compatibility of characters and life goals plays a big role here. Almost always at the beginning of a relationship, people put on “masks”, and we can’t always see behind her. real person. Well, or show yourself real. And after some time, it’s already a shame to take off the “mask”: there is a fear of losing a person. But here you need to think about the fact that, opening your own true face, you will find exactly the person that you need, who will love you and satisfy all your vital needs. And including - wants to build a family with you.Therefore, you must first of all become yourself, accept yourself, understand who you really are. Perhaps you consider yourself a gray mouse, but a vamp woman actually lives inside you, and that is why your real potential has not yet been revealed. You limit your behavior and all your manifestations by developing habits that are unusual for you. The same applies to the reverse situation. You have probably noticed people who behave unnaturally and cause laughter from the outside. No need to be skeptical of them - they are simply confused in their desires and understanding of how to conquer others. So - find yourself, become yourself, this will change a lot, including your attitude to the world and the search for a partner. Next, check your energy. It is very important for a woman to have female energy. Not everyone understands how you can be a woman and not have the energy of femininity, and many do not even think about it at all. Based on my practice, I will say that I very rarely meet real female energy in people who contact me. Often this is what becomes a problem for creating a family and having children. And most importantly: if you want to see an exceptional man next to you (as they say, with capital letter), you definitely need to become real woman. You must have come across a situation: not beautiful, not smart, but how, how did such a man turn out to be next to her, for whom I would give everything in this life? That's exactly how it works female energy. Here you can help energy practices that will restore your potential, make you more attractive to men. Third: it is possible to change life now Look at your surroundings. If you are constantly surrounded by loners, regardless of how they came to given state You just need to get out of this mass state, change your life and your ideas about it. Since these people, it is they who infect and program you for loneliness. And perhaps even this is beneficial to them to some extent, because thanks to loneliness, a common circle of interests is created. And in the energetic sense, completely unaware of this, you are charged with the energy of imaginary freedom about these people.
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In our magazine, the topic of marital relationships is often raised, in particular, one of the readers and an active discussion about her life situation prompted us to think about the roles that partners play in a pair. How do women find themselves under the dictatorship of a man? Is it possible to change the situation? Is there a chance at the very beginning of a relationship to predict possible problems in future? Irina Anatolyevna Rakhimova told about this in an interview with our magazine, family psychologist, director of the socio-psychological association "Orthodox family".
- How to protect yourself from unpleasant discoveries in the future? After all, starting a relationship, we look at the partner through " pink glasses”, and when we remove them, we can be very disappointed.
I think that in order for our marital relations were more harmonious, it is necessary to pay Special attention their premarital stage. In the traditional sense, it is considered that it is necessary to recognize each other without an intimate connection, up to a year. The absence of carnal relations is not hypocrisy, it is due to very specific reasons. Under the plausible pretext that they need to get to know each other, to understand, to try whether they are compatible, people enter into an intimate relationship, but then, under the influence of passion and attraction, it will be more difficult for them to make a conscious choice whether this partner is suitable for them for life. Some, more often men, sexual relations there is enough, and they do not dare to take the next step.
- Is this how stories develop when a couple has been together for five years, and the man does not propose? And the woman cannot understand how it will all end and whether it is worth hoping for.
- Yes, many couples live together for a long time, they can be attached to each other, but the relationship does not develop, and it is already very difficult to part. This is statistics: up to five years they tyrannize each other, and then painfully part.
- It turns out that a year is a critical period, and if during this time people do not understand that they really want to be together, is it better to leave?
- Yes, on average for a year you can understand whether you want to be with this person or not.
- What are the criteria for this case are indicative, how to understand that this person is yours?
First, you should know parental family partner, how relations between parents are built and how the man himself treats his parents, whether he has any claims against them. If a girl sees that a man has a sharp relationship in the family, and he does not want to reconcile with his parents, then it is important how he reacts to her attempts to talk about it and how she treats her opinion on this issue. If a man reacts sharply and does not try to reflect on this, then better relationship do not continue with him, because such behavior will then be projected onto your family. How he treats his parents is how he will treat you.
It is important to see how he makes friends, whether he knows how to do it, how he treats his girlfriend's friends and the fact that she will have some part of her own life, separate from him. In a family, the moment of cooperation is very important, and this grows precisely from the ability to be friends, the ability to build some kind of joint space with another person. At the same time, friendship is built on loyalty, and this is very important for potential family life.
Thirdly, it is necessary to understand whether he is hardworking. It is very important for a woman that a man knows how to do something around the house and strives for it. It is also important what social status and whether he is motivated for something more, whether he has ambitions.
Then you should pay attention to how he overcomes conflicts. For a year in a relationship there will definitely be some clashes, disputes - pay attention to how a man gets out of them. Once a woman came to me for a consultation, complaining about her husband's aggressiveness, she went to the priests, they also advised her to endure, but the situation did not get better. In the process of work, we just returned to the beginning of their relationship, and she said that they had known each other for a long time, with student years, and when the relationship approached the turn of a possible marriage, the groom became very conflicted. She then did not pay attention to this, deciding that everything would work itself out. Of course, nothing has changed, and as a result, she received aggression and disrespect from him.
You cannot turn a blind eye to such things, you cannot allow other people, even the man you love, to behave unworthily towards you. A man treats you the way you let him. This does not mean that it is necessary to stand in a pose and snap back, it is enough to tactfully say: “You know, it seems to me that this is not right, please don’t do this to me next time.” Behind this lies a very big inner work before you say so and stand up for yourself.
But the main quality is the ability to make responsible decisions. My favorite test for those who want to start a family: “What do you think, what qualities should a man have?” Enumerations usually begin: intelligence, kindness, sense of humor, etc. But first of all, he must be responsible. This shows up even in small things. Often girls complain: "I always act as the initiator of where to go together." In fact, it is the responsibility of a man - where to take the girl, what to do with her, so that there is something to discuss later.
All these nuances, if not taken into account in family life, will result in a problem of misunderstanding. Their interests can be limited only to the discussion of everyday issues, and everything will develop according to the saying: "everyday life has stuck the relationship." Or spouses will only discuss issues of raising children, and then they will close only on the sub-marital system and will only play parent role. And all these and other reasons can provoke aggressive behavior of the spouse. They will not need each other as friends, lovers, interlocutors. They will swear only about children, and dissatisfaction in other areas will be transformed into reproaches to each other.
— In light of the crisis facing the modern traditional family, very often super-demands are made to the personal life of pastors, the model is such ideal family. And the problems that such spouses can face cause a lot of conflicting feelings not only among the spouses themselves, but also among the flock and just outsiders. As a psychologist, have you ever encountered difficult situations in priestly families?
— The wives of clergy sometimes come to me for consultations, most often deacons. Such stories happen, I can’t say that especially often, but it happens. Both priests and matushkas, about whom in question is a product of our time, people who grew up in modern society. Many of the priests are people who did not have any continuity in the service of the Church, did not come from priestly families. In general, this is very delicate topic, not because you don’t want to show your cards, but if only because the figure of a priest in the lives of many people is sacred.
I once determined for myself that my confessor should be an ideal for me. For me, it doesn’t matter what he does outside the church, how he behaves in the family, because I understand that he is a person, he may have disadvantages, but I want to leave some secret for him, like for any priest . Therefore, for me personally, there are no bad priests, and only good ones turn out to be in my environment. God has mercy, I have not seen the image of an unworthy priest. When mothers come to see me and talk about the misbehavior of their husbands, it is difficult for me to evaluate them, but at the same time, it is clear that they are faced with a human factor. They say that no man is without sin, only God is without sin.
— But when a woman comes to you with such family history How do you place accents in working with her problem? Do you suggest not touching the figure of the husband at all and focusing only on the reasons why she is in this situation?
– Based on my rather modest experience of working with priestly families, I can say that it is not necessary to work with them for a long time and in depth, a few meetings are enough, and we are already seeing a tangible result. Often our view is “blurred” when we are inside a relationship, and there is enough opinion from the outside to see possible ways out of this situation. Turning on emotionally, we can see only one side of the problem, very difficult, traumatic, almost hopeless, and consider alternative options there's just no energy left. Maybe strangers tell you about other possibilities, but you don’t hear them, either because of your stubbornness, or because of an unconscious desire to stay in your problem, or maybe, indeed, there is no longer any resource to find a solution. And when we talk with a person and lay out his situation point by point, he finds an internal reserve of strength to work with his problem.
As a rule, mothers who come for a consultation come with their internal problems. Often this is the idealization of a man, excessive demands on him, especially on the bearer of the priesthood. As a consequence, when her expectations are not met, there is a strong need to blame him and to justify herself. The same thing happens on the part of the father: from the mother he expects very high level morality, patience and wisdom. Both partners here have somewhat idealized ideas about each other.
- What model of family relations did a woman have if she feels the need to suffer in her family life?
- Despite the fact that we are not robots, but people, a person can sometimes become so obsessed that it becomes impossible to get out of a certain circle of standard reactions. Here, the transfer of some formed negative behavior model associated with relationships with loved ones in the past can work. Such a transfer forms a stable stereotype of behavior in such situations. And if some situation is not fully lived, the emotions in it are not worked out and not reacted, then we transfer such behavior to other significant relatives, in particular, to our own. own family. And there we meet another person with their own patterns of behavior, and the partners act out something on each other that they did not play out in their past.
In the described situation, it may have been formed wrong image father, perhaps he did not exist at all, or he was passive, formal. The father could underestimate his daughter, communicated little with her, did not admire, she did not learn to communicate with men and her husband can feel it. When a relationship with a man is accompanied by constant humiliation, up to assault, we can say that a woman has a so-called “victim complex”.
This is now a fairly common story, because families now often have a dominant mother who suppresses her husband, in response he must always prove something to her and, as a result, he begins to perceive his wife as a mother, whom he once he didn’t say, and now he definitely wants to “get through” to her. A very stable symbiosis "aggressor - victim" is formed, which after a while change roles.
In each such pair, the victim loses patience after a while and seeks to punish his offender, and now he is already trying to defend himself. These are co-dependent relationships, each participant of which cannot build relationships on the principle of individual freedom. Such emotional, passionate relationships can last quite a long time until they reach a peak.
“But what if the victim has reached this peak and is already acting as the aggressor, and he does not want to lose his role?
- At the root of such a bundle is competition, the need to win. The fact is that even behind the image of the victim lies hidden, latent aggressiveness. This type of personality is called "submissively dependent". Outwardly, this person seems submissive and patient, but inside he experiences not the kindest range of feelings: anger, irritation, resentment. His aggression is directed at himself, he has not learned to express his emotions openly, and this is also a kind of program embedded in him by parental upbringing.
When people come to me for a consultation, they often tell with resentment that the priest says to them: “Pray, endure, love,” and I think this is a very correct idea for such a problematic situation. The fact is that the couple once before, when they first met, loved each other. They wanted to be together and therefore have not parted until now, despite all the difficulties.
When we made the decision that we wanted to be with this person, we understood that he also has his shortcomings, but people who are deeply religious are idealists by nature and prefer not to notice them. They prefer not to talk about the difficulties, but leave them for later, with the hope that they will remake their partner, and if it doesn’t work out, then they will endure and fall in love. In fact, it is impossible to change another person, and therefore I attach great importance to premarital relationships. It is very important to go through this period consciously and carefully in order to avoid unnecessary suffering in family life.
At the moment of falling in love, we prefer to see our relationship as ideal, and our partner as sinless, but the reality is far from ideal. Our task is to make each other happy and help each other become better. Therefore, “pray” in this situation means: “Lord, give my beloved spouse what she lacks.” And it is desirable to specify: "help him to be more sensitive, give him peace, strength of mind", etc.: to formulate those qualities that seem to be absent from the spouse. Often, problems in relationships are given to people precisely so that, having “boiled” in them, they learn a new behavior model for themselves. I want changes to happen quickly, in the blink of an eye, but it doesn’t work out that way.
Patience is very important, not even in the sense of humility and humility, but rather wisdom. Very often based family conflict lies the need to prove, to argue, which causes great impatience in a life partner. Aggression on his part can be a kind of provocation to be reassured and heard.
Both are always involved in conflict, to varying degrees, depending on the situation. Perhaps if you keep silent, suffer in response to aggression, then later you will have the strength to express your emotions in a different way, calmly. And then the spouse will be able to hear you, because people react more not to words, but to tone. When we shout or argue, the other is forced to defend himself from pain and thinks how he could survive, and therefore hears only himself. That is why communication cannot bring a positive result.
For those who complain in response to the aggressive behavior of their spouse, it is important to understand what is behind this, what are his motives. Most often, we think only about ourselves, what is happening to me at this moment, while aggression for a partner is his way of protecting, once chosen. He attacks first because he is afraid of you, does not know what to expect from you, or vice versa, knows your typical reactions too well.
As a rule, people are afraid of each other because they use unacceptable methods of communication. The wife reproaches the husband: "You always do this, you never get it done, you're always so stubborn/stupid/immature." But he's not always like that. And then she is surprised when he shouts at her: “After all, I didn’t say anything like that, I only told the truth.” And out of this “truth”, seeming virtue, great conflicts and grievances grow. If you want to be heard, you first need to learn to listen yourself. So the victim may not start the quarrel herself, but she certainly contributes to the development of this process.
As a rule, people with a victim complex tend to take everything personally. If someone throws negativity at them, they readily accept the blame and believe that they are really to blame for everything. Behind aggressive behavior there are many accompanying reasons. When an aggressive person has a need to express emotions, it is important for him to express it. In fact, he is looking for a “grateful” listener who will hear and understand him, without judging his behavior and without entering into an argument. Competing with the aggressor, proving to him that he is wrong is not constructive, we need to use every situation for rapprochement, and not for conflict. It is necessary to try to build relationships in such a way that he always wants to come to us with his problems.
