Italian family. Italian families in immigration
It is worth asking any Italian man or woman what is most important to them, and there is no doubt about the answer - family will come first. For the natives of the Apennines, family is the meaning of life and a reliable rear, the basis of existence and the center of the personal universe. Taking it seriously marriage ties, family cohesion and mutual assistance - character traits Italian mentality.
Big Italian family
Traditionally, the Italian family includes a wide circle of relatives. Listing them, it’s easy to lose count: after all, in addition to the spouses themselves and their offspring, the family includes father-in-law and mother-in-law and father-in-law and mother-in-law, as well as uncles and aunts, siblings/step-brothers and sisters, cousins, second cousins with sisters (and those who are closely related), nephews and nieces, sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law, in short, everyone who is related to the family.
When such a family comes together in full force festive table or just at Sunday lunch, there is no need to complain about the lack of interlocutors or impressions, and the generally accepted return visits to relatives sometimes last several days. But Italians gather with families not only on the occasion of a wedding or anniversary: problems are also usually discussed and solved by everyone together. Whether someone from the family has gotten into a bad situation, whether someone needs money to open a business, or whether a conflict has arisen - any situation will certainly be discussed at the family council, where thirty people can gather around the table. Negotiations are often accompanied by stormy emotions, heated discussions and shouting - but all these outpourings will never go beyond the house or apartment of the relative where the family council was meeting. It is not customary for Italians to share details of family meetings even with their closest and oldest friends.
Family ties have a huge impact not only on the personal but also on the business life of Italians. Big family business, covering almost all able-bodied relatives, still occurs today, as well as cases where a family member who ends up in a reputable company gradually employs his relatives in it.
home furnishings
The interiors of even modest Italian apartments are stylish and elegant. The family nest is furnished with endless love and diligence, and the wives take on most of the worries about comfort. Trying to reach perfect order and harmony, they select curtains, tablecloths and sofa cushions to match; the table setting on a weekday is no worse than on a holiday; decorate the bedroom with silk linen. In their constant troubles, they are supported by high appreciation from their husbands: an Italian will always notice the beautiful elements of the decor and praise his wife.
And here's to appearance Italian wives' husbands are not picky at all. A good wife on weekdays is characterized by modesty and a minimum of makeup. And vice versa: an overly elaborate outfit and hairstyle for no obvious reason can arouse suspicion. A disheveled wife cleaning the house or rushing to the store in a shabby dress will not cause the slightest condemnation. The main thing is that on Sunday or at the reception of guests, Cinderella turns not even into a princess, but into a queen. Festive transformation Italian women can be fantastic, and only a very experienced eye will recognize a modest housewife in a spectacular beauty with catchy makeup, casually wrapped in a mink coat.
Fur coat from valuable fur Italian women have a special place in their wardrobe. The practical value of a fur coat in the Italian climate (if you exclude the mountainous regions and the north of the country) is small, but it is not bought for warmth. A fur coat is an indicator of status and a symbol of prosperity: for example, if the spouses own at least modest real estate, the wife must certainly have a fur coat made of natural mink. Worn as a status symbol at Easter, Christmas and large family events in between. religious holidays- even if the air temperature reaches + 25 C, and tourists in sundresses and T-shirts are frolicking around. The rest of the time, the prestige of the family is emphasized by the numerous gold jewelry that Italian husbands willingly give to their wives.
How to negotiate with an Italian mother
The Italian mother - also known as mother-in-law - is a character who largely determines the weather in the house. A daughter-in-law who is to her liking acquires in the person of her husband’s mother a generous patron who showers her with gifts and a defender who defends her interests in any trouble. If her mother doesn’t like her daughter-in-law, then many trials await her. In general, Italian mothers treat their sons with intense adoration, and extremely rarely approve of their choice.
According to the Italian mother, profitable marriage is primarily for the wife, but his beloved son could value himself more highly and find someone better. The daughter-in-law has no choice but to come to terms with a “marriage of three,” where the mother-in-law will always be the third. It is useless to count on your husband’s support in a confrontation with your mother-in-law: he is sure that mom cooks better, cleans cleaner, and irons more thoroughly. Therefore, the matter should not be brought to a confrontation: the daughter-in-law will never emerge victorious from this fight.
The ability to establish relationships with relatives, especially numerous and active in the south of Italy, is an integral component of the course of a young fighter... that is, a young wife. Mutual visits and the presentation of gifts at Christmas, Easter, birthdays and other holidays play an important role here. The list of relatives can be very long, and thrifty housewives stock up on gifts in advance at sales.
Quarrel in Italian
A typical Italian quarrel resembles a sudden and fleeting thunderstorm: thunder rumbles, lightning flashes, the elements rage - but after 5 minutes the sun will shine again, and the birds will sing on the branches strewn with raindrops. And just like with a thunderstorm, with an Italian quarrel it is sometimes impossible to understand where it came from and how it began. The most common reason is the problems and troubles that have befallen the Italian husband. All day long he is forced to hold back, and only at home can he unwind and throw out everything that has boiled over, assigning his wife the role of a lightning rod.
Therefore, it is necessary to react to such emotional outbursts as to natural phenomena: it makes a noise and passes. Moreover, within a few minutes the culprit of the quarrel will apologize, make you laugh, hug you - and become the same. It is very difficult to quarrel with an Italian for a long time, so you should not take his attacks and screams to heart.
Divorce? Divorce!
Until 1970, divorce in Italy was social phenomenon was absent, and this circumstance undoubtedly left an imprint on the perception of divorce by Italian men. They are in no hurry to officially dissolve the marriage, even if the spouses no longer have anything in common. In Italy, there is a legal version of the relationship called “separation” - separation. After three years of such residence, you can file for divorce, but most likely the Italian will not do this - also because Italian men perceive divorce extremely dramatically.
In Russia, after a divorce, men often begin a second youth with trips to clubs and whirlwind romances. But for an Italian, the post-divorce period is a dark period and a period of genuine suffering, and he will neither “wash away” grief, nor fight it with the help of a psychologist, nor run away from it on a high mountain hike. Italian men suffer openly, not hiding their torment from others, and enduring divorce more painfully than women. The exception is early marriages, when the spouses were actually each other's first and only partners. IN similar marriages Husband and wife are so annoying to each other that divorce is perceived as liberating and brings a surge of energy.
15 Mar 2012
No country in the world today is allotted family such important place like in Italy. No country in the world loves children as much as in Italy. They are showered with a sea of love from their parents, all their numerous relatives, and from friends and strangers.
It is no coincidence that someone famous and famous said that if given the opportunity to be born a second time, he would choose to be born in Italy, because he had never encountered such love for children anywhere else.
Of course, the global weakening processes family roles, divorces and separation of family members do not bypass Italy, but nevertheless, even today the family in Italy is a positive example and model for many nations to follow. What is this model, what is the basis?
Italy is a Catholic country where the cult of the Virgin Mary is very strong. People turn to her in prayer, hoping to receive an answer from God. That is why the attitude towards women in Italy is special. And a special role is assigned to her. The head of the clan is the mother, the woman. Despite the fact that she does not take over functions that are unusual for her: deciding words, general management, creating the material basis of the family, etc. This is all in the competence of the man. The atmosphere of the house, rules and habits, family traditions, raising children is what she, the woman, does. Children who receive full love grow up calm, flexible, open to the world, joyful.. True, there is one “but”. Often Italian men grow up, as they say, “ mama's boys”, failing to sever the psychological umbilical cord until the end of their lives and never becoming completely independent. Not all, of course.
Italian law is on the side of women. If, unfortunately, family falls apart, the man loses almost all his property and even his business. And even if, as often happens here, the children remain with their father during a divorce, the ex-husband pays for maintenance ex-wife alimony. And even from your pension.
Therefore, a man very carefully and responsibly makes a decision regarding his “marriage” for his chosen one. It often happens that they date for decades, live together, have children, but the relationship is not formalized. There is even a special formula for such relationships: “fidantzats”, the same as the bride and groom.
And still it's family with your own way of life, traditions. Holidays. All holidays in Italy can be called family holidays. For birthdays, weddings, christenings, Christmas, New Year and so on, all the numerous relatives usually gather. And for very important celebrations, such as weddings, relatives come from other countries and continents. Only hundreds of relatives are recruited for the wedding. I think it will be necessary to devote an entire article to this event. And gradually, step by step, as the Italians say: “piano-piano”, little by little we will learn more deeply the traditions and culture of our peoples. WITH
In Italy, all roads lead to Rome. This statement is quite widely known. And it is absolutely true, because how is it possible to be in Italy and not visit Rome? As a rule, one day is not enough to “explore” the capital. What a day, life is not enough to look into all corners of this eternal city! But you can look into family relationships Italian family.
Italians are very loving and passionate. And you can’t argue with that. Even if a person is already well over 60, he is still ready for long and serious relationship. In addition, in Italy, almost all television and radio programs are simply “obsessed” with sexual topics.
For Italians, the family consists primarily of the husband, who is the head of the family and who is confident that he makes all the most important decisions in the house. Secondly, from the wife, who actually bears the entire burden of responsibility on herself.
If there are children in an Italian family, then the boys are spoiled beyond belief, and they remain tightly attached to their mothers all their lives, even at a fairly advanced age. Girls, on the contrary, are not pampered at all, because they are considered the future keepers of the hearth, and must always soberly assess the situation.
A man will idolize his mother all his life, and even being married man, will still often stop by his parents' house for lunch or bring his dirty shirts. Italians take everything related to family very seriously.
The process of a man courting a woman can be quite long time, or a sudden feeling may flare up and a wedding is planned in a matter of days. Italian men are very romantic and passionate.
In order to win a woman, they are capable of the most reckless acts. The entire courtship process takes place over very beautiful walks, candlelit dinners, and joint trips out of town to picturesque places in Italy.
Meeting the parents of both young people takes place in a very friendly and warm atmosphere. True, there is one nuance: the influence of Italian mothers on their daughters or boys is very great, so the main thing is to attract and please the mother and then consider that the main job is done.
Italians are modern by nature, but in a number of small towns and villages old traditions have been preserved, which are treated with great respect even by those who left their native nest and moved to big cities.
However, all the same, meetings and acquaintances of parents of young people are noisy, with copious conversations and the absorption of national Italian dishes. The rapprochement of both parties occurs very quickly if the parents of both young people feel sympathy for each other at first sight.
Italians are generally famous for their strong families and precisely a close-knit attitude towards the family. Moreover, family for them is not only their closest relatives, but also everyone who is connected to them by at least some kind of family ties.
On holidays or weekends, Italy gathers in full force to celebrate a family event or National holiday, and sometimes visits to relatives begin, which can drag on for some time.
Family ties are so important that it even happens that you come across a large family business in which all relatives are involved who have an understanding of the business and know how to conduct business correctly. It also happens that one family member, having got a prestigious job, tries to drag as many of his relatives there as possible.
In Italian families, it is customary to jointly solve all problems or make decisions regarding weddings, celebrations or the birth of a child. This happens at a general family council, which usually meets with one of the relatives, where sometimes up to three dozen people gather at the common negotiating table.
At the family council, all the most important issues can be discussed and global issues can be resolved. family problems, quarrels are frequent, accompanied by loud screams and all kinds of outpourings of emotions.
However, the most important thing is that everything that happens in the house will always remain only within its walls and will never go beyond the family. Relatives will never wash dirty linen in public; no outsider, not even the closest friends, will know what happened behind the walls of the house during a meeting of the whole family.
The seriousness of their attitude towards family is even expressed in the fact that Italians always carry with them photographs of their family and their children, both men and women, so that at any time they can boast to their colleagues of their successes, their strong and friendly family and the success of their charming children.
Every time children achieve anything, it becomes a major discussion between parents and workmates. Sons in an Italian family grow up as spoiled children, they are spoiled by everyone, including parents and grandparents, older brothers and sisters.
Boys grow up with the awareness that they have a very high importance in the family. However, in fact the wise and cunning women Italy only maintains this confidence in them, calmly running the household behind his back as they see fit.
For the man himself main task make your beloved woman happy. He does everything possible so that the family does not need anything and the woman is not constantly burdened with her household chores.
At any opportunity, spouses always travel out of town or spend pleasant evening in a restaurant or cafe, and such outings are not always planned in advance. This is the whole impulsive nature of Italians, especially men, who do everything possible to please their family and have a pleasant time with them.
Woman for Italian man- is an object of worship for her beauty, her ability to lead household and gratitude for the birth of children. A man will be happy to help his wife with household chores, although there is no distribution of responsibilities in families.
A woman remains the keeper of the hearth; she creates the atmosphere in the house that can preserve the warmth of love and intimacy between two people living under the same roof.
For Italians, children are the real flowers of life, whom all relatives begin to pamper. However, parents raise their children to respect national traditions, instill in them a love of family and family relationships, and also teach them that a man and a woman should treat each other with respect.
In no case should a man put himself above a woman and humiliate her dignity, therefore the main thing for a man is that his beloved woman and children are happy.
In Italy, gossip is the main entertainment. That's what's true, that's true. Men especially love to gossip. Most likely, the whole point is that Italians are very sociable people. It costs them nothing to talk to absolutely stranger, and on any topic. What can we say about gossip, especially if there is someone to scratch your tongue with.
Italians don't know how to swear. Who said? They swear, and how! Italians are a very hot-tempered people, but a real scandal can only break out within their own home or on a TV show.
In Italy everyone follows fashion. This is debatable. Basically, everyone there wears what he likes and what he (she) is comfortable in. Moreover, requests practically do not depend on finances. They can afford to buy something both in a prestigious boutique and in a simple clothing market.
The people in this country are careless and lazy. There are careless and lazy people everywhere. But still, in Italy, even if they do something for too long, they try to create temporary conditions that help to endure the inconvenience. For example, a gap in a central street can interfere with normal pedestrian traffic. In this case, the Italians make special bridges over the pit for pedestrians and fences so as not to fall into this very pit. When the workday ends, the street is washed and temporary asphalt is laid. And after all the work is completed, the street is tiled again.
Italian homes vary. In the Alps - an Alpine-type house, two or three storeys, with a stone bottom and a wooden top, with an external staircase to the upper floor (later the stairs became internal). In other areas, the house of the Italic or Latin type predominates. These are two-story stone buildings with a tiled roof. An external staircase leads to the upper floor. Previously, utility rooms were located on the ground floor, but now they are located separately. Small towns are characterized by a heap layout, where houses are crowded around a central square. Of course, social contrasts affect the appearance of a home.
The Italian national costume is distinguished by its brightness and diversity. Men wore pants just below the knees, a white shirt, jacket or sleeveless vest, women - long skirt gathered or folded, shirt, often embroidered, with wide sleeves, etc. corsage, that is, a short blouse, a colorful apron, a neck and head scarf. Decorations were required. These are the main features of the national costume, although each locality had its own variations. Nowadays they wear modern clothes everywhere.
The Italian cuisine, unlike the costume, has not changed. What it has in common is the popularity of pasta, rice, cheeses and seafood. Pasta (in Italian - pasta) has about 30 types - spaghetti, vermicelli, bucatini, tagliatelle, etc. There are also many varieties of cheese - ricotto, mozzarella, pecorino, etc. Rice dishes can be prepared with different seasonings, and are called risotto. Fruits are widely consumed for dessert. But each region is also famous for its own dish. In Liguria - buridda, fish boiled in oil with herbs. In Lombardy - busecca, tripe soup. In Umbria - madzafegati, sausages made from pork liver. In Venice - risi e bisi, rice and peas. In Rome - gnocchi alla Romana, potato dumplings. Naples is the birthplace of the world famous pizza. Now it is sold all over the world, there are special cafes - pizzerias. Italy rivals only France in wine production. These are mainly dry white and red wines, with a small proportion of fortified, dessert and sparkling wines. The most famous is Chianti (Tuscany). In Sicily - Marsala, in Campania - Lacrima Christi.
Italians prefer coffee and drink White bread. They usually have lunch at home, and those who work far from home bring sandwiches to work. In big cities, trattorias and small restaurants where prices are lower are popular.
The Italians have a humorous saying about themselves: “If an Italian’s hands are tied behind his back, he will not be able to speak.”Italians have always been distinguished by their mobility, liveliness, and temperament. They have a sign language, that is, when an Italian speaks, he speaks not only with his mouth, but also with his hands.
Romans in the 19th century were very religious. The field of ambition was closed to the laity; only priests made careers. There was a strong influence of the Catholic Church.
In Rome, luxurious balls were given, better than those of Napoleon. Prince Borghese had 37 halls for this purpose. He gave a ball every Saturday.
The Roman nobility was ruined. Due to laziness in managing their affairs, the aristocracy is ruined by its managers. In Venice she is reduced to beggary.
Another custom brought by the Spaniards, chichisbey, flourished in the 16th–18th centuries. Many women had a chichisbey, that is, a gentleman with whom she appears in society when her husband is busy with business. If the chichisbey was rich, he promoted the husband, sometimes on the contrary, the rich husband promoted the chichisbey. Napoleon destroyed this custom.
The Romans, although seemingly restrained, are actually frantic. A prince who has fallen in love with a carpenter's wife will be afraid of her husband, since he will simply kill him. In any other city, the prince could calmly indulge love affairs, paying my husband.
According to the 2008 Male Beaut survey, Italians are recognized as the most... handsome men peace.
(From the book "CHILDREN OF JANUS")
With Arina, a Kabardian from the Milan-Moscow flight, whose doe eyes promise the ecstatic awe of the hostess, things don’t move beyond a trip to the taverns.
“She doesn’t let her come to her,” Mauro complains. “She has some Milanese guy.” Either she flies to him, then he flies to her. She moved to Moscow specifically. She left her daughter in her homeland with her mother. And now he has been waiting for three years for him to divorce his wife. And he says that his son feels everything - and on this basis he has some kind of nervous disease. In a word, if he gets well, then... He has a family. Well, you understand... - Mauro laughs.
Although even Russian princes, when marrying their daughters to foreigners, said that the Russian soul is cramped in its native expanses, and although today the almost classic “don’t leave, Zhakopushka, I’ll give birth to a baby for you” often works, despite the fact that international marriages as such, they can hardly be happy, because spouses, for one of whom the language of their communication is not native, are not able to verbally convey to each other everything so necessary for normal relationship shades of your own feelings and states - with all that, when making plans for marriage with married Italians, you must remember that Italy is not a nation, but a confederation of families. Such a lineup of society, accompanied strong attachment person to clan, has been traditional for the Italian land since ancient times. “The fact,” wrote Theodor Mommsen, “that in Greece the individual achieved, in contrast to the kind of internal freedom and unique development, earlier and more fully than in Rome, was clearly reflected in the completely different development of proper names among both peoples, which, however, were originally homogeneous. In more ancient Greek proper names the generic name is very often attached to the individual name in the form of an adjective, and, conversely, even Roman scientists knew that their ancestors initially bore only one name - the one that later became their own. But while in Greece the adjective generic name disappears early, among the Italians, and moreover, not only among the Romans, it becomes the main one, so that the real individual name takes a secondary place next to it. It can even be said that the small and constantly decreasing number, as well as the insignificance of Italian and especially Roman individual names in comparison with the luxurious and poetic abundance of the Greek ones, clearly explains to us the extent to which the leveling of the human personality was in the spirit of the Romans, and in the spirit of the Greeks - its free development.”
Today, as in ancient times, among all social formations in Italy, the family has undoubtedly the most significant and revered genius. She is perhaps the real Fortune of the Italian.
“For lack of anything better,” the Italian thinker Giuseppe Antonio Borghese wrote in 1938, “Italians have learned to love exclusively the family and in their fantasy they have given it a place that it did not occupy in the most vibrant periods of literature and art... Even the Christian mythology of Italy has always slipped away from Christ to the Blessed Virgin, increasingly becoming a religion of a female deity; Christ himself migrated from the cross to the Den, and the Blessed Virgin, leaving her starry glory, descended to the maternity bed and fit into the surroundings in which she always resided, cherishing the eternal child. Motherhood began to be given the utmost importance; and the Holy Family, with an almost unnecessary husband, a fragile holy woman and the friend of baby Jesus - little Joseph, turned into Olympus and Paradise of the Italians, their earthly happiness and heavenly bliss.”
“The Italian family is a fortress in hostile territory. Within its walls a person finds solace, help and support. Here he licks his wounds after social defeats and finds reinforcements for victorious attacks. Scientists have always regarded the family as the only lasting social institution Italy, saw in it an original creation of a national genius, adapting over the centuries to changing conditions, a real support for any social order established in the country. After all, law, state and society are viable only when they do not contradict the highest interests of the family.
There is, however, a fundamental difference between Italians and other peoples, for whom the family is also a kind of lifeboat in a stormy sea of anarchy. In Italy, anarchy is not only a system of life, a spontaneous social state and a form of natural development, but is also a product of the will of man, his choice. It has been cultivated and strengthened over the centuries. Therefore, in Italy, the family is not only a fortress that resists disorder, but at the same time one of the main reasons for its occurrence. She always actively supported chaos with the most different ways and especially made it difficult to establish strong political institutions in the country. In this connection it arises complex issue: does this mean that political institutions gain strength only when the family is weak, and the family becomes self-sufficient only where political institutions are not strong enough? Be that as it may, political formations in Italy have never been successful. There were few of them created and their life was not long (with the exception of two amazing cases: the Venetian Republic and the Papal State). All other political schemes and models in finished form were borrowed abroad - this is feudalism, and absolutism, and the Napoleonic Code, and the constitution, and the two-chamber parliamentary system, and liberalism, and democracy, and socialism ...
The family in Italy is strong and invincible also because it represents a kind of Noah's Ark, in which Italians rescue their ancient ideals from foreign influence. It covertly protects the national character from foreign contamination.” Today, life in Italy takes place as if on two planes: on the street in front of you there is a cheerful performance, and above you there are always closed shutters of houses. “Most Italians are still subject to a double moral code. IN family circle, which includes relatives and close friends, rules differ from those that prevail beyond the threshold of the home. In the family circle, Italians clearly demonstrate those qualities that superficial foreign observers consider them incapable of possessing: here they are relatively trustworthy, truthful, fair , honest, generous, disciplined, courageous and capable of sacrifice. In a word, in the family they demonstrate those qualities that in other countries are usually directed by people for the benefit of the state. Loyalty to family for Italians is the strongest expression of patriotism. Outside the home, in an uncertain and disorderly society, they are often forced to behave like guerrillas in enemy-occupied territories and resort to appropriate cunning and subterfuge. Any official power is initially perceived by them as hostile, and if it is present intrusively, the Italians bypass it, neutralize it, and, if necessary, deceive it.”
“In the fifties,” writes the Italian sociologist Luciano Gallino, “American sociologists and anthropologists poured into Italy in order to study the national character of former enemies. Years of intense research, somewhat facilitated by the fact that many of the specialists had relatives among their former enemies, led to a discovery that was destined to go down in the history of the social sciences. It was found that national character Italians have a pronounced psycho-cultural trait, which scientists have scientifically defined as “immoral familism.” To put it less sophisticatedly, the Americans found that whenever Italians are forced to make a choice between morally correct or incorrect behavior when solving any problems, most of them choose the one that can be justified for themselves and others with the semantically capacious phrase: “I have a family.” “In all the cases studied, behavior of the second category was chosen: morally incorrect.”
There is plenty of evidence that the power and importance of the family does not decrease in Italy with the development of society. So, until recently, eight brothers lived in Genoa, who owned a large diversified company, who, in order to keep the family property intact, came to an agreement that each of them only owned his clothes and the clothes of his wife, and everything else was shared. They even share cars: they are called by phone whenever the need arises. The brothers believe that such a patriarchal agreement relieves them of various frictions and represents the most effective approach to the management of large private enterprises.
Another example of the protection of family property, and therefore the subordination of family authority, is the Maggiorasco custom regarding the position of younger sons in some Sicilian families. On the island, the power of the “old houses” is still largely dependent on prestige, hereditary title and land income. The law does not recognize the customs of the nobility and obliges most of the inherited property to be divided in equal shares among all children. Therefore, so that the common inheritance is not scattered and does not disappear in one or two generations, and the ancestral house does not fall apart due to the fact that there is no one to look after it, younger sons, like monks, do not marry, and if this happens, they refrain from having children. This allows property, titles, prestige and power to be passed on intact to the next generation.
And finally, the importance of the concept of “family” for Italians is also evidenced by the fact that the family is called and in fact is the first cell of the mafia, which in turn is part of a more complex criminal structure.
At one time, the writer and artist Leo Longanesi proposed adding the phrase: I have a family to the national flag of Italy. In his opinion, in this way it would be possible to explain and justify everything that is happening in the country.
An Italian's good mood is spoiled phone call Arina.
“She called me,” he complains, “she said that her daughter was crying without her in Nalchik... Well, why tell me all this? I'm suffering too!
- Well, you are her confessor...
- She's a fool! She left the child and moved to Moscow herself... Everyone is waiting for her Milanese! He says he and his wife divorced and sent her a divorce certificate by fax. Well, of course! I would like to see this certificate! She got tired of the Milanese whining on the phone, so he probably shouted to his neighbor: “Hey, Mario, make me a piece of paper on the computer!” " And then he sent it to her. You know what they say: a real Italian likes blondes, but he marries a brunette. Is it really not clear that we come here only to let off steam?! A? I boarded a plane, arrived, tumbled in bed for a couple of days, and then came back. Expenses - ugh. And the girls think: if they fly, it means they love. Here, 300 dollars is a fortune.
- You are too angry today...
- Am I wrong? Do you know how you can make money? We need to make a guide for Italians on how to fool Russian women. Write everything down in detail: how, how, where and when to fool them, create a cover worthy of fun - and then distribute it at airports and on airlines. Success guaranteed.
I recently read interesting note American M.E. Evans, who married an Italian and lives in his beautiful country. The article is written with humor, sometimes quite “hard”, but it is very truthful and will be useful to women who want to marry an Italian.
Therefore, I will try to retell it here, somewhat softening the author’s style.
You met someone who is different from everyone you have ever known in your life and moved to Italy. It is likely that your partner is emotional, passionate, loving, an excellent cook, but feels uncomfortable alone with the computer. Italians are also devoted to family, but this devotion tends to have a bittersweet aftertaste. On the one side, family values are very important and this is something that is a little lacking in the US, on the other hand, devotion to parents can be tiring and seem like a form of competition.
In many cases, it can be fatal to one's own marriage. The Italian Bar League reports that "Mother-in-law" has been number 1 on the list of causes of divorce in the country for several years. recent years. It would be interesting to look at this issue from the point of view of someone who is married to an Italian woman (we think "Mother-in-Law" is a less compelling reason, to be honest), but our experience and what others have said is that most Problems with their husband's parents arise among women who marry Italian men.
As one person put it: "The mother's vagina is a black hole, and throughout his life the son fights gravity to avoid being sucked back into it." Summarizing all observations, we would like to say that, in our experience, the problem is not only the mother. Of course, over the years the Italian mother has done so much for the family that everything largely depends on her, but to be honest, everyone in the Italian family has their own power over the man of your dreams. For example, an Italian mother-in-law really fights with her daughter-in-law like a champion weightlifter, but her father-in-law is not far behind her, he doesn’t fight, but “educates”, telling her what is expected of wives in Italy (i.e. about “debt bondage”) "in front of the family).
And if you do not have patience and wisdom, and, on the other hand, you do not want to live like a “good Italian girl”, so that strangers constantly rummage through your underwear, then relations with Italian “relatives” can lead to divorce. All Italian families are "insanely" unique, but they are also "typical" in many ways. Therefore, we will try to give some advice, gained through years of tears and battles, on how to coexist with the family of an Italian husband. They will be able to help you. Probably... Mostly...
1. Don't be sweet and passive. Most cultures have the idea that a woman should be a sweet and passive pussycat, but Italian culture is a little different. People mistakenly believe that all Italian women are dominant housekeepers, but this is not always the case. Italian culture is surprisingly misogynistic (which probably isn't a "culture"). Italian women can be passionate and hysterically angry. Shouting the first thing that comes to mind in the heat of anger is much more common here than in the US (where it is recommended to suppress hostility until you can strategically manage the situation). If you say, “Yes, ma'am, okay, sir,” in a quiet, calm tone, it's only a matter of time before the whole family decides you're a sick freak and starts sitting on your head. For example, your relatives may be really embarrassed that you don’t nag your husband. And your calm, quiet approach may be perceived as some kind of mental inferiority or as a lack of love for your husband. If you loved him you would scream at him in public places, and perhaps they called him fat in front of his friends, or simply blew his mind for no reason...
2. Follow their lead. Watch what everyone else in the family is doing and try to be helpful. They will appreciate it. If your family is “classic”, then the situation probably looks like this. Men sit on the sofa in prostration, like sleepy sloths, while women run around them and, like maniacs, try to redo all the household chores.
Unfortunately, if you were born a woman and married an Italian, everyone thinks that running around and doing everything around the house is your sacred duty. If you try to sit it out, you will receive a lot of criticism, the least of which will be that you will become a “terrible mother.” This in turn causes women to scream at their their own husbands: Look how your neighbor Francesco works around the house, why can’t you be at least a little like him!!!?”
Therefore, even if you are not a lazy person, there is no pleasure in being a maid for lazy men. Try to raise your husband to help you.
3. Eat, but never try to cook. Food doesn't play like that important role in Italian culture as it is attributed, but no matter how much you can cook, you will never be better than your husband's mother. Forget about it. Simply praise the food prepared by your mother-in-law and avoid cooking for the family. Even if your dish professional quality- it won't be good enough for them. If you don’t want to quarrel, then praise, praise, praise, but never let us compare. Remember: “mom” cooks great, your food is slop, and they will tell you this to your face or behind your back...
4. Set boundaries. « Italian families They see each member as an extension of themselves, there are no boundaries for them.” In our experience, this is absolutely true. It doesn't occur to these people that you might object to them staying in your home for the entire duration of your only vacation of the year. They will fight you, but they won't understand why they can't just buy you orange curtains that they think will look good in your home. Why can't they tell you to your face that you've lost weight or gained weight? They are just trying to help! Unless you're Italian, you'll probably be competing with your mother-in-law for the right to decide for yourself what to do when your child or husband is sick, or how to manage the expenses of each vacation with your wife. own family. You will struggle with the overbearing desire of your husband's Italian family to control your style, life position, sex life, just your thoughts.
You want to be fair and understand that family means a lot, but this understanding does not mean that you should accept other people's control and power. If you don't set boundaries right away, sooner or later you will become bitterly disappointed and explode. Make it a rule: if you wouldn’t allow your parents to do this, then don’t let your husband’s parents either. Just because they are Italian is not enough to be an excuse for behavior that does not respect your lifestyle or culture. If you have to respect them, then they have to respect you, that's all. We are not saying that you should be rude to your in-laws, no, it means that you should be honest with them. Tell them no, or explain why you don't like it when they keep coming back to check your refrigerator while you're in the bathroom for ten seconds.
5. Set boundaries again, but this time with your husband. Over and over and over again. It's important that your partner understands what you need and how you feel, but sometimes it can be difficult. Understand your Italian husband too: he needs time to set boundaries with his parents because he has never done this before. If he and his mother do or say something against you, this does not mean that you should remain silent. Tell them how you feel. Believe me, if you don't do this, you will become eternally offended and start shouting during quarrels: “What!? Hungry? Call your mom! Let her breastfeed you!”
Another problem is that the concept of age in Italy is different from other countries. Thirty is an "ancient" age for an American, but very, very "young" in Italy. Your husband's family may be really trying their best to not let him make decisions for himself because he is "too young." And your husband will often feel like he can't process big decisions in his head because they've convinced him that he's too young. You will have to teach him this, like fifteen-year-olds are taught in other countries, such as the USA, if you want to continue living with him. If you succeed, everything will change. And this will become second nature to him, and from now on you will be the team that can, holding hands, shout to his parents: “NO, you have no right...!!!” Yes, yes, shouting to Italian parents is something that in itself is amazing.
6. Learn to shrug off criticism. You are bound to encounter nagging and criticism, much more than what you are used to in your family. Just accept that they probably do the same thing to their own children and try to be sarcastic about it. You really should have good feeling humor. It can be difficult when for the ten millionth time your mother-in-law tells you that you dress terribly and are always a "mess", after which you start to feel very bad. It's good if after a while you realize how stupid it was and just start laughing at her. It will work better if your husband sets some boundaries for his parents that they should not cross.
7. Don’t try to “fit in” with your husband’s family. You are not Italian. Even if you speak Italian fluently, dress like an Italian, and look Italian, you will never become theirs. There will always be something that makes you different from them, which is probably why your partner fell in love and married you to begin with. I know it's a cliché, but really, just be yourself. Eventually, after many years, they will get used to this “strange emigrant”. Probably. I'll let you know when it happens :).
8. Love them. I know it can be difficult, but try to love your Italian "relatives" even if they annoy you to death. Try to remind yourself that these problems are partly based on culture, partly on insanity, but partly they are just trying to be good parents for his son, protecting him from “the evil of this world.”
When they try to drive you crazy - just remember that it is probably due to their character, or fear, or tradition, or brainwashing habits, and these are not personal attacks on you - this is their way of life. Except when they look at your breasts and say they're no good, then tell everyone in the bridal store that "it's impossible for her to get a dress because her boobs are so small!" This shit is completely personal!
Based on materials from survivinginitaly.com
