On the variety of forms. What to do and how to act when your own children betray

What are the worst mistakes parents make? How does a child feel when he is compared with others or brought up in public? How to manage not to say “Put on a hat”, “Finish the soup”? The teacher Dima Zitser tells.

The main parental sin is pride

- I would like to talk about the worst mistakes that parents can make when communicating with their children. About parental sins, practically.

- The main parental sin, it seems to me, coincides with the main human sin, pride. There is nothing wrong with pride in and of itself. But the conviction grows out of her that I am the main one, responsibility for the child grows out of her at the level of enslavement. It is necessary to treat yourself easier, although this only comes with age.

Is comparison scary? Big mistake?

- The root of comparing everything with everything is in us: we are not enough of ourselves as we are. We do not believe, due to various circumstances, in particular, our own upbringing, that we are cool. And so we try to have something to grab on to, so that at least our child is the coolest.

“But maybe it’s good for a child to be compared with someone else. Maybe he wants to become better than the other child.

When a child is compared to someone else, several things happen to him. Number one thing: the younger I am, the more important mom and dad are to me, and I believe them unconditionally. If mom and dad tell me that I'm worse than Pavlik, my faith in myself begins to crumble. For the first time, I begin to understand that perhaps I need to live not in such a way that it would be interesting, but in such a way as to overtake Pavlik.

It can be done different ways: splatter his notebook with ink, deceive his mother and say that Pavlik received two on the control. We get a completely different mechanism, the mechanism of competition, which has nothing to do with self-development.

Is it a good mechanism or a bad one? This is a different conversation. But if we are talking about the human in us, then he should not work here. I think readers themselves can remember how it happens here. For example, we are calmly driving along the road in a car, and suddenly for some reason it becomes super important for us to overtake someone. Why and how this happens is unknown, we just suddenly press the gas with all our might and rush forward. And just at this moment it is curious to fix the sensations inside oneself.

We can talk about the nature of this feeling. I'm in recent months I think a lot about the idea of ​​human and animal in us. Obviously, we have both. It seems to me that one of the goals of human existence is to get closer to the human principle and get away from the animal.

How are we different from animals? Free will. Animals cannot say "yes" or "no" to themselves.

The animal nature in us is precisely the desire to survive: to catch the best female or male, overtake a man on the road and, finally, defeat Pavlik. Otherwise, someone else will do all this instead of us.

But here's the problem: over the past few thousand years, and readers have probably heard about it, a lot has changed. The instincts remain, but everything else has changed. The tension between these two poles is human life.

At that moment, when I'm driving on the road and it works for me "I have to overtake him", it would be nice to turn on the human principle. Ask yourself the question: "Why?"

- Another instinct: your offspring must survive!

- Yes, that's why "put on a hat", "finish your soup" and so on! When this instinct turns on in my head, I say to myself: “Dima, wait. The child himself feels whether he is warm or cold. Whether he is full or hungry. Everything is fine".

The same with food: I understand why our ancestors ate the first, second and third, especially those from the north, otherwise they would have died. But now it is no longer so, and it is important to realize this.

Manipulation - violence in a humane way

— Next common mistake Manipulation, is it scary?

Let's first agree on what it is. In my formulation, manipulation is deception. When we do something, we teach it to the next generation, this is an obvious thing. The way we behave shows our children the way to behave.

Sometimes parents say: “She (or he) is such a manipulator!”. Well, that's how you taught him. If my parents deceive me over and over again, saying that Baba Yaga comes for those who do not eat up porridge, or a policeman who has enough imagination for what, of course, I will quickly master this technique myself.

Why is it so easy for parents to slip into manipulation? Are they effortless?

— The temptation to use force in a humane way, as it were. Imagine an example: I poured soup for a child, the child made a shipwreck there, he did not eat the soup. My instinct kicked in again: my offspring won't survive if they don't eat this soup. I am a mother, I have to make sure that the child eats.

I can tie him to a chair, open his mouth with a special mouth opener and pour soup into it. But it's kind of inconvenient.

Let me trick him. There are many ways to cheat. Do you remember the example of the ingenious Dragunsky in "The Secret Becomes Clear"? And brilliantly, by the way, the state of Deniska is described. This is the number one way when we use training: "You finish the soup - you'll be fine."

There is a more complicated and perverse way: "Whoever does not eat soup will always have small hands, he will not marry, he will never grow up."

- It seems to me that a person does not always keep track of what he is now manipulating. And he sincerely believes that he is doing the best.

Moreover, he has the right to do so. We are people, our basic right is to make mistakes and stumble. Well, they stumbled, brushed themselves off, thought and moved on. And this "let's move on" is enough important point. Of course we fall into it. What parent doesn't get heartbroken when their child goes outside without a scarf, and dad thinks it's very cold there? The question is not whether my heart will ache, the question is what I will do about it.

If a child promised to come home at 9 pm, and he is not at 9, 10, or 11, and the phone does not answer, what parent does not go crazy? The question is what do I do when I go crazy. I am walking the path of enslavement: I will tie him to the battery, he will not go anywhere at all, and I will be calm. It's not human, but it's there. The human way is more complex, full of doubts, conflict and reconciliation, compromise, reflection.

Self-righteousness is not indifference

- Is there such a parental sin - indifference? Dad lies on the couch, watches TV, and sends the child to play on the tablet. Does it happen that parents are really not interested in their children?

- I would say that this is not a conversation about indifference. I have the right to do what interests me. In most cases, I should not rush at the first call to the child, postponing everything I was doing. Mom is sitting, reading a book for her own pleasure, a child comes running, it is very important for him to do something with mom right now.

At this moment, the mother, by her own example, can teach the child an important skill - awareness own needs: "I have the right to do what interests me now." And take one minute to tell what pleasure is. This is absolutely, not at all indifference, but on the contrary, this is the right to oneself. The right to oneself is what I read, what I wear, with whom and how I make friends, this is awareness. If we could teach all the children in the world this right to ourselves, and then also pass it on to adults, then that's it, we would enter the kingdom of prosperity.

- There is such an anecdote. Mom looks out the window and shouts to her son: “Go home!” “Mom, am I cold?” "No, you're hungry!" What's going on with the parent here?

- The sin of thoughtlessness, I would say, if you use your terminology. What's going on with mom? Mom's dad brought a mammoth from the store, and her basic instinct worked again: urgently feed her son. Otherwise, the mammoth will be eaten by other people. I have a message for my mother: the mammoth will not go anywhere, it will lie in the same place in an hour.

And if suddenly they really eat it, then we will go around the corner, to the store, and buy cheese, bread and dumplings there. At this point, it’s fun to stop and ask the question differently: “Do you want to eat?”. By the way, this is an important maternal issue: children really flirt. It only takes a second, one second, not to fall into thoughtlessness.

“You still need to learn how to catch it.

- There is a tool that does not fail. And I have thousands of testimonials that it works. Make one deep breath. I opened the window to call out to Pavlik. I took a deep breath. And closed the window. Or he opened it, breathed in: “Pavlik, are you hungry?” - "No!" “I’m hungry, let’s go eat!” And that's all.

It's good that we talked about it. I understand that we must continue to search for words. Very often people say to me: "No, it's impossible, it's not Magic wand, once, and all. This is not a magic wand, this is a specific and very simple tool, and it does not cost any money. Try it. He gives us a head start of three seconds, and more time is not needed.

And then there will be a choice: either let go, or feed and arrange a primitive system. But in any case, it will be a conscious choice. And without a choice, we again return to the animal nature, without a choice we say: “Finish the soup!”.

How parents can betray their children

Betrayal is probably the most terrible parental sin. How do parents betray their children? And how can they stop doing it?

How can parents betray their children? First of all, self-doubt. Let's start with the simplest betrayal: we are walking up the stairs, my child is jumping and making noise, the neighbor clicks her tongue, and at this moment I suddenly demonstrate that the neighbor is dearer to me than my child. They will ask me: what, let the child make noise in the entrance?

But to make some noise is the nature of childhood. The neighbor will come home and calm down or not calm down. It's how she likes it.

In this situation, the main message that I send to my child is: “You are my most beloved and important person, not a neighbor, but you. And how to send this message, you already need to think a little.

Another betrayal in pure form— school parent meetings. When I allow another person to talk about my loved one behind his back, and even in the presence of other people. And then, having returned home, I put this opinion at the forefront and begin to reprimand my loved one. We can deceive ourselves all we want, but this is pure betrayal.

Another example is about grandmothers. It's painful and really difficult. Grandmother begins to build a person: now you need to eat, now you need to go to bed. This is not pure betrayal, but if we loved one At the same time, we do not defend, we do not even explain to him what is happening, this is the same story.

If I understand that my child does not sleep during the day, well, he does not want to sleep, and my grandmother needs him to sleep for an hour and a half, even if he is crying, then he simply does not go to his grandmother. You can not make a person a hostage of their relationship with a third party. Yes, I may have complicated relationship with my parents, well, that means I have to sort them out, I'm an adult. We need to talk, yes, sometimes we need to clash, we can go to family psychologist, many things are possible. This is an adult relationship and adult responsibility. But don't tear the child apart.

I felt that now I would just shove this nipple into her mouth

- What is the most big mistake Dima Zitser as a dad?

- I have three children. The eldest daughter was born when I was 21 years old. I remember very well that I was absolutely sure then, I confess that crying is not good. That a parent must do everything so that the child does not cry. I was so stupid that I did not even wonder where this belief comes from. I remember that irritation when she cried.

And I remember how I got through it. Small one-room apartment. My daughter is about a year old, she is in bed, I was left alone with her and I am rehearsing something at this time. And now she is crying, I go to her, take a nipple along the way, raise my hand and understand that I have a very tense muscle in my arm. And that now I'll just shove this nipple into her mouth.

And then I get really scared. Such a powerful moment of awareness. I was very scared, very. And then I began to think about it, began to pay attention, began to see what was what. The second I got scared, it gave birth to a chain of thoughts: how is this happening, what is coming after.

Another mistake is related to the middle daughter. The eldest was born when we were very young nihilists, we hung out and did not worry about anything, and she hung out with us. The youngest is already hanging out with us because we have accepted that it is very The right way live. And the middle one fell on the time of our formation and occupation by ourselves.

Her growth was quite strong and sharp for us. If we talk about what I would change when she was 4, 5, 6 years old, I would take her everywhere with us a lot more, spend a lot more time with her. It so happened that I, myself, did not get this pleasure - to be with her little.

Then it seemed to me, well, what is there, Small child and there's a little baby, we don't care good parents she is loved. But today I would spend as much time as possible with her. Proceeding simply from the fact that loved ones cannot, in most cases, interfere with each other.

What to do and how to act when your own children betray?

It's a tricky question, and it's very difficult to give advice like that. Watching what they betray. I think if they are still small, then it is worth punishing them, showing them how to do it right, and next time they will improve. If the children have already grown up and act like this, you have already done nothing, since you have already done everything you could according to their upbringing.

Betrayal is generally a terrible thing, of course, but in such a situation it is also important to know what kind of betrayal it is. Parents are different. Here, my father-in-law, for example, will consider that my husband is a traitor if he forgot to call, but it’s clear that this is not global. My relatives have a situation right now: my mother once led a cheerful lifestyle, changed men, slaughtered her daughter, and so on. Now, when she doesn’t care about her mother either, she can’t forgive her for her childhood, mom suddenly understood everything, but too late ... Each situation must be considered individually, there are no patterns and each case is unique.

Children are our mirror. And if children betray us, it means that we have betrayed someone in due time. Children always take an example from us, this is how nature works. If a child has betrayed, I think he should be forgiven. Look at yourself, are you saints?

There are a lot of options for children betraying their parents, especially in our time. Unfortunately, I've heard a lot real stories when she herself faced the betrayal of her daughters. I was stupid enough to privatize housing for only three children whom I raised without the help of their father. When the daughters grew up, they decided to sell their shares, and they did it behind my back. Younger son accidentally opened their correspondence in VKontakte, otherwise I would not have learned anything for a long time ... Quote from the correspondence: The eldest daughter (she already lived separately with her boyfriend) writes to her second daughter (18 years old): Just make sure that mom doesn’t talk about anything I guessed, let her continue to think that we are still small, stupid girls, the second one answers: Yes, she already thinks so about us. Isn't that a betrayal?...

They left me homeless. God be their judge!

At 41, I was left with nothing, with a bunch of debts (for my daughter’s wedding and other things for children) and without housing, but my son (10 years old) was next to me, who said: I’ll live on the street, but with you !. And so I started life from scratch ...

In my opinion, you are asking about the most difficult and bitter life situation. The whole life of parents is aimed at raising, educating, providing children with education and materially. Parents will deny themselves everything, so long as the child does not suffer. And if, as a result, the child betrayed them at the most crucial moment, this pain is incommensurable with anything.

It's like a story about prodigal son, or King Solomon, you need to understand that these children are ours and we must understand and forgive them, because this is our blood and we ourselves raised them like that. Even if it is insulting, but if the betrayer comes to you, you simply must forgive him.

Of course, I understand that this is very bitter, but you should not blame children for anything.

Indeed, in the fact that the child betrayed there is also a share of our guilt, they could not raise a worthy person.

I would just wish my child well and happiness, but in a relationship I would certainly move away from him.

former warm relationship can no longer be.

Okay, let it be bad for us, since we deserve it, as long as they feel good.

There are people who have been betrayed by their parents. Both are equally bitter. What can be done in such a case? Nothing, probably. Try to understand the reasons for what happened, if it is impossible to correct, then reconcile, hold together, and live on, no matter how sad it is in your soul. Time smooths everything out, the pain also, over time, becomes less acute. Parents have a wonderful property - to forgive children. It remains to be hoped that there is no such situation that cannot be understood, there is no such guilt that cannot be forgiven, there is no such act that cannot be forgotten. Life goes on, no matter what happens. Everything that happens to us must be experienced, is there another option?

Do nothing, after all, they are your children. Just try to understand them. Surely, they do it not out of anger or greed, but out of good intentions. Then you need to explain to them so that they do not go too far with their good intentions. As you know, the path to hell is paved with good intentions!

I can't imagine such a situation. What does betray mean? Here Taras Bulba, for example, believed that his son had betrayed him. And for me, this is some kind of nonsense: because of the policy, to kill your child. Here rather parental relationship To a question. I don't think that a child can betray, unless the parent puts him in such a situation: like me, or something else .. I think that parental love unconditional. It does not matter what religion the child chooses, what political party he joins, whom he marries. If you do not force him to choose between himself and his life, then there will be no betrayal.

I have a father, - says thirty-two-year-old Yulia. - He is alive and well, not yet old and feels great ... I think so. The fact is that we have not communicated with him for many years. I don’t want to see him, and I don’t want to know anything about him either! .. I can’t forgive his betrayal!

And what happened?

And what happens to men closer to forty years? Gray hair in a beard, a demon in a rib! .. I met another woman, for ten years younger mom and went to her. Before leaving, as is usual in such cases, for some time he fooled everyone ... I was fifteen then, my sister was seven. We just had perfect family! They were happy years: mom and dad were friendly, cheerful, in love with each other, constantly starting something. Dad worked with us all the time, taught everything. When sick, he sat by the bed. He spoiled ... On the day of the salary, he took my sister and me to the store, and - choose, they say, girls, whatever the soul asks, I will buy everything for you! And he bought ... Mom scolded him later, and he - well, they are girls, princesses! .. My sister and I simply idolized him ...

It's clear. And then?

And then - like snow on the head - this Light appeared. I met at work and fell in love. Went to her. True, he literally left in what he stood, did not divide the property, left everything to us ... At first, no one even believed - not at school, nowhere. They asked again - are your parents divorced? Come on! It can't be, you must be joking!.. Good jokes. What was happening with her mother, I can’t convey ... She couldn’t come to herself for a couple of years for sure. Because of this, I think, and then got sick. She was diagnosed with a serious diagnosis five years ago, so we are fighting ... Still, she loved her father very much. So she didn't have anyone else...

My father has everything in chocolate. She still lives with this Sveta, they have a schoolgirl daughter, it seems ... How old is she now? Probably fifteen years...

And the "old" children, then, abandoned?

Well. to be honest, all the years he tried to communicate with us. He brought money. My mother didn't even file for alimony, in my opinion ... He called constantly. He came to the school, guarded. Gifts passed through the grandmother. Although I told him that I did not need anything from him! Even now he is trying to fix something there. The feeling of guilt, apparently, corroded him all the years. Well, that's what he needs!.. I'm not going to ease his suffering. Because he is a pre-da-tel! He left his wife and two children!

But it turns out that at least he didn’t leave the children! You yourself say - and left the apartment, and gave money, and called, tried to communicate all the years ...

Oh, stop it, I didn’t need such communication! I needed a father who lived nearby. happy mom, full family. He destroyed everything for his whim. Well, let him be happy - if he can! ..

Do children have the right to similar cases to be offended by the father - not for himself, but because he "betrayed their mother"? Ruined the family, perhaps brought the mother to a serious illness, thinking only of himself?
Or does this matter concern exclusively the mother, and only she can be offended or not, and the girl behaves stupidly and like a bestial?
Is it the father's fault that everything turned out like this?
What do you think?

Betrayal is always unpleasant, painful and even scary. For a long time I myself tried to understand what betrayal is and why such actions of others cause burning resentment and sharp pain. Gradually, I realized: a person does what is more convenient for him. He puts his interests or the interests of other people above yours - he decided so. Has the right to. Nobody has to live your script. It took me more than 40 years of my life to understand this. 40+ years of experience, books, conversations…

Our children do not have all this yet. They still know very little. But the word "betrayal" is familiar to them well. The girlfriend didn't share the chocolate bar, didn't invite her to her birthday party, told Tanya a secret - she betrayed her for life! But the worst betrayal is the betrayal of parents. It hurts deeply and sometimes for life. Because forgiving a girlfriend for putting her own interests above is easier than understanding mom or dad.

I got an A and my mom didn't even say "well done"

We often do things without trying to explain them to our children. By different reasons: once, we believe that they are still small, we cannot pick up the right words… And they don't understand. They are sure that we have betrayed them.

At one of the classes in the workshop of journalism, I asked my guys to write when and who betrayed them. Most of the works were about us, about parents.

“When my sister was born, my mother devoted all her time to her. I didn't see my mother at all. Her parents only took care of her, and they didn’t give me any time at all. One day I came from school to good mood, because I got an A for the dictation, and from the threshold I began to tell my mother about it. And she told me not to scream, because my sister was sleeping. She didn't even say "well done" to me. Several years have passed since then, I love my sister very much and am no longer jealous of her, but I can’t forget about that five.”

“They promised to take me to the water park in Yekaterinburg if I finish the quarter without triples. I tried very hard and waited. But they never took me, although it has since passed more than a year. I feel like I've been betrayed."

“My parents want to move to Krasnodar. I understand that this is their dream. But I also have a dream to enter the KIT (St. Petersburg Film and Television Institute). Only a year left before graduation. With the move, my chances of enrolling are falling sharply: here I am used to, here are my teachers, additional classes, and there depression is guaranteed. What decides a year in the life of a 43-year-old man? Much less than in the life of a 17-year-old graduate. They say that I am selfish and spoil their dream, when in fact they are now ruining my life. And most importantly, they do not want to listen to me. They betray me and make me betray my dream."

“Once, when I was 6 years old, I had a matinee in the kindergarten. For which I have been preparing for a long time. But my mother didn't come. She had things to do. I believe that parents betray their children when they have something more important than their children."

“My parents betrayed me. When I was 7 years old, they quarreled for a long time, threw various objects, and my mother kicked my father out. Now he lives in another city, and I sometimes come to visit him. I think my mom betrayed me when she kicked my dad out because she didn't think of me."

Of course, in all these cases, the parents did not want evil for their children. Surely each case has an explanation, logic, reason. But I am convinced that whenever parents act not in the interests of the child, this is a betrayal. For each of our actions or inactions in relation to children, there should be only one explanation: it is in the best interests of the child. We must be able to assess the situation, calculate its consequences for a son or daughter, and act solely on the basis of these consequences.

And now the taboo for parents:

1. Never sort things out with a child in the presence of strangers.

It does not matter if the teacher, neighbor or girlfriend of the son (daughter) is standing nearby. Even if the child is wrong. At strangers child can only be praised. Or be silent. Because mom and dad should always be on the side of their child, even if he has committed a bad deed. At home, alone, try to understand and understand. If it's worth it, punish. But to expose the dearest and closest person in an unfavorable light is a betrayal.

2. Never use what the child shared with you to harm him.

If the daughter told about her first love, you should not stoop to something like “I haven’t learned to wash my boots yet, but she already has love ...”. Because to take advantage of the trust of the child and, if convenient, to reproach him with his own secret is a betrayal.

3. Never compare a child with others if the comparison is in favor of the other.

That is, to say about a classmate who won the city Olympiad, “Well done!” - Fine. And “You see, and you would only sit at the tablet” is a betrayal.

4. Never. Never! Never!!! Do not sort things out with your spouse in the presence of a child.

This is a topic for a separate detailed discussion. In the meantime, just remember what you experienced when you heard your parents quarrel. And it will become clear that “rewarding” such experiences to a son or daughter is a betrayal.

5. It would seem obvious. But often ignored by us. You promised to do it.

Because the baby is waiting. Dreaming. Imagine how great it will be. Believe in the end. To destroy this faith is a betrayal.

6. Don't let anyone talk badly about your child.

Again. Nobody. Even best friend. Even grandmother. Even if the child at that time is in the camp 40 km from the city. If it's just information about what the child did and said - for God's sake, thanks for the information. As soon as the assessment begins - goodbye. Because calmly listening to statements like “But your shame is generally lost, boorish rude” is a betrayal.

There is also a seventh, eighth, ninth ...

Someday our children will grow up and, probably, will understand that much of what seemed to them a betrayal is actually just weakness, or ignorance, or an inability to correctly explain the motives of their actions towards them. But it does not become easier for us when we find out the cause of the disease? Isn't it starting to hurt less? Yes, we understand what needs to be done so that it does not hurt. And often the treatment process is very long and more painful than the disease itself. Therefore, it is better to engage in prevention, the essence of which is very simple: always be on the side of the child.

Daughters, mothers, fathers and children ... There are no chains stronger, more sacred than blood ties. It is not for nothing that the song is sung: “Parental home, the beginning of the beginning. You are a safe haven in my life." In turn, a child for parents is not just a descendant, not just a person who continues the race. This is the fruit of the love of a man and a woman, the synthesis of their souls, the result of their passion ... This is ideal. But is it always like this in reality? The first word that a baby utters at the dawn of his own life is the word "mother", denoting a woman who gave him, her child, the opportunity to be born into this world, to feel joy and pain, laughter and tears, to know the world and show the world yourself - another representative of the human race. Mom's warm hands, tenderness of kisses and a lulling voice - such are childhood memories of the very native person most of us. Father - he is usually somewhat in the background, but, no doubt, no less important in the fate of any child. Associated with him Strong arms tossing favorite child up, playing the "horse" and a sense of security. But there are children for whom the word "mother" causes confusion, and the word "father" makes them shrink from fear. Once Valera had a happy family. Four years ago, everything changed: my father drank heavily. Maybe the work took too many nerves and mental strength(he served in law enforcement), maybe something else ... But this is something that made an adult, accomplished person lose his human face. At first, the father of the family drank on weekends, then several times a week. In the end, drinking became a habit: Nikolai "took the fashion" to tumble drunk into the house every evening after work. And it's okay, if I lay down quietly and fell asleep. So no, from the threshold he began to quarrel with his wife, swear at his son - in general, “let off steam” in the circle of close people.
Over time, his behavior worsened even more: it became the norm for Nikolai to “dissolve his hands”. Moreover, the latter circumstance concerned not only legal spouse- often the child got it. Anna, like any other wife and mother, tried to fight her husband's addiction: she secretly slipped drugs into his food, disgusting to alcohol, turned to magicians, attracted relatives, even called the police a couple of times. All this did not have the proper effect, but only worsened the situation. Parents insisted on a divorce, but their naive daughter drove it into her head that she could not leave her beloved spouse. It all ended badly. Once Valera came home from school and saw his mother sleeping on the couch, and next to him on the floor - an empty bottle of wine. Anna found a "way out": to get away from reality, taking advantage of the beaten track by her husband. For two years now, fourteen-year-old Valera has been brought up by her grandmother. An orphan with living parents ... The latter were deprived of the rights to the child, but this fact did not touch these washed-up people: who knows how much time they have left to drown the destroyed with my own hands life in an alcoholic river ... Betrayal of children by parents is scary. But with no less force, the cruelty of the offspring in relation to the people who released them into life is striking. Claudia Lvovna is a former concentration camp prisoner. You would not wish even a small part of what she had to endure to the enemy. She lost her husband early, leaving two children in her arms, who were brought up absolutely alone. She didn’t work with anyone to feed her family ... She denied herself everything, if only the children were fed and clothed. Claudia Lvovna's chicks grew up, scattered in all directions: the son left for Moscow, the daughter married a northerner. For all the time they only visited once, motivating this by a long distance and high expenses, or referring to employment. At first they called often, wrote letters, but gradually all this came to naught. Once a woman became very ill, so much so that it came to hospitalization. She asked her neighbor to give telegrams to the children: "Death is just around the corner, tea is no longer young." Do you think anyone has arrived? The old woman every day asked the medical staff to inform the children at least by phone about what had happened to her, naively believing that the telegrams had not found their addressees. Klavdia Lvovna didn’t know that her son and daughter were aware of her illness, it’s just that their own problems are much more important to them ... Not blood, but a compassionate neighbor visited old woman every day, then took from the hospital to her and looked after until the disease receded. But finally the pensioner was convinced of the callousness of her own children when she called her son and complained about the impossibility of further living alone because of her disgusting health and her age. The answer shocked the woman: it was advice to contact the center social protection with a request to register her for permanent residence in a nursing home ... “We have a two-room apartment: where can I put you? And the sister - you know yourself - lives with her husband's parents ... ”- and this was said by a person with whom she did not sleep at night many years ago, cried when he was sick, gave her last ... What caused the irresponsibility of some parents? What provokes the ingratitude of certain children? Thousands of old people, being fathers and mothers, remain out of work, often without a livelihood, without affection and care. Thousands of small inhabitants of our planet live in orphanages, shelters or become "children of the streets", wander - very often in the presence of unlucky parents. And how many babies froze in harsh winters, choked with sewage, ended up in dumpsters at the behest of their mothers? All these questions remain unanswered. But probable causes occurrence cruel attitude can be assumed.
1. Genetics- a serious thing. What is inherent in a person by nature cannot be erased by anything. It often happens that a child is similar in character not to his father or mother, but to some great aunt. So it turns out that a callous egoist or a drug addict grows up in a prosperous family.
2. On the other hand, it means a lot upbringing. If children are left to their own devices, growing up like burrs in a field, there is a high probability that they will grow up rude and inhuman. As a result, the claims of parents to their adult children will be deprived of any justification. Such people will not be able to raise their own children properly, getting a boomerang effect at the end of life. 3. Cultivation of selfishness in a child will lead to the fact that, turning into adult personality, he will continue to love exclusively himself. Such a parent will doom his own children to a lack of attention on his part. This, in particular, explains the disdainful attitude of some mothers and fathers towards their offspring. 4. Of no small importance, in my opinion, is that what is a born baby: desired or undesired, random, obligatory ("like everyone else"). Already in the womb, the child feels whether he is loved, whether his parents need him. The real “fruit of love” has every chance of becoming a real Person later on.
You can endure any betrayal: beloved man, wife, best friend(friend). But the betrayal of the closest people: the child and parents - time is not able to cure. You have to live with this... Nadezhda Ponomarenko, specially for the site