Attachment and love are different. Love or affection in a relationship? Signs of true love
It would seem that thousands of books have been written about love, and how many grandiloquent phrases have been uttered and beautiful words! But the theme does not become obsolete and never will become obsolete. What is love? What is attachment? How to distinguish love from falling in love? ?
Most of the minds of mankind agree that love (or, perhaps, its classic version) consists of four phases: passion, falling in love, love and affection.
The first step is passion
Love is always born from infatuation. The man saw an attractive representative of the opposite sex, for some reason or something he attracted his gaze - and away we go. The basis of the feeling of passion is a great admiration for the unique abilities of a girl or a man, his character traits or fantastic talent. However, you can get carried away plump lips ladies, gorgeous breasts, long legs, pumped-up figure of a man and his brilliant smile - only external data.
This, of course, is far from love, and this feeling usually lasts for several weeks or a couple of months, according to knowledgeable researchers. Infatuation can eventually develop into love, or it can end quickly, and a person’s attention will immediately switch to a new object.
The second phase is love
The feeling of falling in love smoothly emerges from passion. This happens when you continue to communicate with the person who once attracted you. At some point in a person’s mind, the importance of the positive qualities of the chosen one, which once caused enthusiasm, increases, and the degree of negative ones decreases literally to zero. In fact, during this phase, the idealization of the partner is observed. How is love different from falling in love? People fall in love not with a person, but with an ideal created by them.
Falling in love lasts much longer than passion - from 2 months to six months. Most often, falling in love develops into love, as it is its upcoming phase. But there are exceptions to the rule - in this case, the ideal created is quickly destroyed and disappointment sets in. No need then to try to understand, at that time it still did not exist as such!
The third stage - classic love
If you have found your soul mate, then the feeling of falling in love will be replaced by love, that very aesthetic and moral feeling, expressed in a disinterested desire for a partner. True love is selfless devotion dear person, a combination of actions and feelings directed at him. Researchers call this a sensual pinnacle in the relationship of subjects of opposite sexes who like each other.
Only if people really love are they ready to legitimize their relationship, so in this period, about 90 percent of marriages between a man and a woman take place. Life, however, is a cruel thing, and often unrequited love develops into a real tragedy. Love is a long-lasting feeling, according to scientists, it lasts from 3 to 5 years, and then it subsides, goes out, moving into the next phase of human relationships. At this stage, no need to think, it just continues to develop.
The final phase - attachment
The feeling gradually weakens, and love is replaced by affection. How to distinguish love from affection? This period comes in a few years. life together when there is no flame of passion, but there is devotion to a partner, a desire to be near. It is a feeling of calm when you are next to your loved one. According to scientists, it can last until the end of life.
But there is more important question How to distinguish love from habit? Indeed, sometimes a person just gets used to being close to a partner, gets used to seeing only him and communicating with him. But if you leave for a while and stop seeing each other, this feeling will go away. Which means this person you didn't need.
Of course, love does not always arise according to the rules and corresponds to some kind of pattern. A real feeling can flare up immediately, without passion or love.
When he appears in our lives, the novel begins with the thought: “Well, finally! That's my love." The first joint walks, trips, tender breakfasts, passionate evenings - a long-awaited romance. However candy-bouquet period sooner or later reaches the finish line, beyond the line of which positive emotions periodically acquire a dark color. But if for one couple the crisis is a test, then for the other it is the tragedy of the century. How to understand what is between you: love or affection?
Love is not what it seems
For one person, love is a strong emotional and physical attraction, for another - warmth, care and endless tenderness. Ideas about love are formed from childhood: dad gives mom huge bouquet tulips, main character Assol gently kisses books, elder sister marry.
We see one side of the coin, thus idealizing the concept of "love". At first glance, this is not bad: it is formed healthy performance O family values, but such idealization can lead to depression and frustration. Love is a huge emotional contribution of both partners, it is the ability to listen, worry, be silent, scream, accept, support and, most importantly, forgive. Sometimes we can’t figure out our feelings: it seems that you feel better with this man than ever, but why then so many quarrels and misunderstandings ?!
How to recognize attachment
Attachment is a feeling of intimacy that is more based on liking and adapting to each other. People can be attached to many objects of both the living and non-living world, such as a cozy apartment, favorite slippers, a ginger cat or a brutal guy. Healthy attachment can provide positive influence per person, because it allows you to develop and replenish positive emotions. However, if you don't have proper position control, it can lead to unhealthy attachment.
If in a relationship both partners suffer and do not have love, but still stay together because they are afraid of loneliness, this is an unhealthy attachment. Both realize that they are not suitable for each other, but cannot part because of the fear of being alone. The problem is that passion is strong feeling which may make you think you are in love.
The main signs of affection
There is a lot of "I" in your relationship
When you build relationships according to your own principles and to satisfy your whims: “I just thought: we’ll go on vacation to the sea, you know how I need sea air.” In love, this should not be, in love there is only “we”, and all issues are discussed and resolved jointly: “Do you think, maybe we’ll go on vacation to the sea? Breathe in the sea air, bask in the sun?
You only see the best of him/her
You only notice strengths partner, his positive traits and absolutely blind to weaknesses, imperfections and negative sides. In love, we accept a person with all his shortcomings and manifestations of character. Yes, he is, but he is the best, and everything that can be fixed, we will fix it.
You are waiting for change, but do not want to change
In a relationship with a partner, you are waiting for change, waiting for new fairy tale and emotions. Of course, we want the relationship to progress, but this requires decisive action by both men and women.
Any quarrel for you is a drama
Drama happens when there is a lack of love in a relationship. When you love, you don't talk rudely about your partner behind his back, you don't humiliate people in public and you don't build intrigues on the side. But if you are in love and have subtle insecure feelings, then you will always want extreme sports: sharp emotions and adventures, without thinking about the consequences and without accepting opinions from the outside.
You are together but still feel lonely
If you have a partner, but your soul is still empty, you should think: is this love? You feel good next to him, but still something is missing, melancholy and depression periodically come. Time passes, you feel good again, then another longing - and so on in a circle. There is no loneliness in love: the soul is calm, and you will always find something to do with your loved one.
Attachment is part of love, but only if it has been tested over the years. When you have been dating for six months and are ready to run to the ends of the world for your chosen one, this does not yet speak of love. Some agree that falling in love can develop into real bright and mutual feelings. Indeed, this is possible, but the cases are purely individual, and, as practice shows, the saying “endure - fall in love” - does not best script for a couple. There are also cases when one partner, by hook or by crook, denies love, passing off feelings for affection.
History from life.“Once I wrote a letter to a girl who was in a difficult situation,” recalls the psychologist. - She met a guy for two years, there was romance, tenderness and everything that resembles crazy love from the movie. However, the young man never uttered a single word about love. Once he admitted that he had affection for the girl and did not believe that there was love between them. For my client, this recognition was a shock. She was worried, but nothing seemed to change for the guy: the same hugs, kisses, joint trips and happy evenings. I advised the girl to wait a little longer - perhaps the guy is simply afraid of responsibility or that he can be deceived, rejected and forgotten. There is a class of men who really love, but do not say the phrase "I love you." Do not despair, just try to remind him that you would be pleased to hear tender words. A year later, the couple got married. The girl said that one ordinary evening he admitted that he once fell in love very much, but his first love rejected him, and he decided never to fall in love with anyone and not to say words of love.
When you have real feelings, you are focused on making the other person happy. You care whether a man had breakfast today, what shirt he wore to a meeting, and whether he managed to watch his favorite team play. You don't resort to emotional blackmail or try to dominate the relationship. You don’t argue about who should wash the dishes or peel potatoes, don’t be on duty at the door in the evenings and don’t read correspondence on the phone. You trust each other and try to maintain peace of mind and mutual understanding.
How to distinguish love from affection? Most people perceive love as the most desirable state, however, attachments are not always understood how to distinguish from passion.How to distinguish love from affection? This question is asked by many people. Not everyone is able to immediately determine what kind of feeling they have for their partner or life partner. What is important is how the person himself relates to this, what he considers important and acceptable to himself. Love and affection are different things, although they are quite similar to each other. They must be able to clearly distinguish in order to understand what is happening to you in reality.
Attachment characteristics
Attachment as such is formed when people common interests and they understand each other. First of all, they enjoy spending time together. What characterizes attachment? Let's try to figure it out.
Feeling of comfort
When we begin to feel affection for a person, we understand that it is quite pleasant for us to communicate with him. Even if we are not yet talking about building serious romantic relationship, all the same, a certain warmth appears in the soul. It comes to the realization that it would be nice to spend time with this person. Feeling of peace of mind - main characteristic attachments. Comfort begins to fill the soul when people really fit together, they have joint plans and aspirations. Much depends on the people themselves. They may not change the status of their relationship a long period just because they are more comfortable. Having a good time is what distinguishes this type of relationship.
Desire to receive love
Strong attachment is characterized by the individual's need to be loved. We usually realize such a desire in ourselves very clearly. And so a man tries to find the right partner hoping to build strong relationships. At the same time, it is the desire to receive love that dominates, and not to give it away. The partner is perceived as a means to an end, although the individual may not be aware of this. Attachment may be quite sincere, but the person really cares more about himself and his feelings than about the opponent. In most cases, the mere desire to receive love does not lead to anything. This is a selfish desire, dictated by the need for recognition. Sometimes you need to work a lot on your own feelings in order for them to grow into something more than a temporary hobby.
Jealousy
This is an important factor that you should also learn to take into account. Attachment often contributes to the emergence of a sense of ownership. As a result, jealousy arises, sometimes reaching the point of absurdity. The individual may begin to experience negative feelings literally on empty place, guided only by their own specific ideas. It is known that jealousy spoils relationships, promotes fixation on the problem. An unhealthy attachment can make life much more difficult. It destroys the first shoots of love, suppresses their growth. How to distinguish true love from attachment? You need to see if there is jealousy in the relationship. If it exists, then there really is something to work on. After all, the more an individual is influenced by negative emotions, the further he moves away from the true feeling. Love lives in a completely different direction.
inconstancy
Attachment is often fickle: today you like one person, and tomorrow another. Such an approach speaks of insufficient depth of feeling, but that the individual has not been able to fully understand himself. Impermanence is a frequent companion of attachment, and there is nothing surprising in this. In this case, a person relies on his egoistic views and often does not want to share the warmth of his heart with others. Impermanence exacerbates the existing problems of the individual, because it does not allow you to take full responsibility for what is happening.
Characteristics of love
Love is the feeling that many dream of. However, not everyone is ready to accept it because of certain internal prejudices, fears and doubts. When love embraces a person, then, as a rule, he no longer doubts anything. He is ready to act openly, willingly to overcome obstacles. Love adds self-confidence, makes a person spiritually richer, stronger, helps to develop moral feelings. Consider the significant components that represent love. As a rule, they are familiar to each of us.
Depth of feeling
Many people compare love to an ocean that cannot be swum across. The depth of the feeling experienced is sometimes so striking that a person can be confused, not knowing what to do right at one time or another. Most people perceive love as the most desirable state, but they do not always understand how to distinguish it from passion. This is where you need to pay attention to how big the feeling seems to be, how it changes you. Having plunged into its depth, it is impossible to remain the same, you will have to change. Sometimes radically and for the benefit of others.
Mutual donation
We are talking about the fact that a person begins to dominate the desire to give, and not to receive. Love lives by its own rules, it rarely corresponds to our everyday ideas about life. People unexpectedly discover the need to give care, attention, and openly express their feelings. Mutual giving always implies a high degree trust, which is necessarily present in such a relationship. A holistic feeling fills the individual with unprecedented happiness, opens the right path for him. Deception and attempts to get any kind of benefit are unacceptable here. Love is a free and powerful feeling. For this reason, it seems possible to overcome any obstacles.
Ultimate frankness
It's extremely important characteristic, which shows a person's willingness to open their feelings. Love forms the desire to be frank, to expose your feelings, needs and desires. A person at some point discovers that he can make another happy. This discovery literally inspires him, helps him begin to build truly harmonious and holistic relationships with a partner. Sincerity is very important. Without it, the union will not be strong enough. It is very important to be able to trust, and not to live in illusions, not being able to somehow influence the current situation.
Loyalty
Love often causes an individual to begin to reconsider his moral values. The desire to be faithful to your soulmate becomes not just a necessity, but a need. The person shows a willingness to work on relationships, improve them if necessary. Loyalty can be considered an indicator of the seriousness of the relationship. After all, when feelings are genuine, there is a desire to keep them for a long time, and not to waste them.
Self improvement
Love as a state makes a person necessarily work on himself. If an individual realizes the seriousness of his intentions, then he wants to become better, to be worthy of his chosen one. This is a normal desire. Self-improvement is a long and difficult process. Most often, it is aimed at understanding the value of their relationships with partners. It is not external attractiveness that comes to the fore, but spiritual qualities, such as: responsiveness, kindness, sincerity, the ability to trust, boundless generosity.
Thus, in order to understand how to distinguish love from attachment, it is necessary to analyze your own feelings. It is wonderful if a person can remain sincere to himself and does not come up with additional excuses and excuses for himself. Love is a deep and holistic feeling, it makes us better, helps the process of self-improvement take place. Attachment is characterized by inconstancy, excessive obsession with the result. A person constantly compares, analyzes his own contribution to the relationship with the partner's actions. If you have a problem, but for some reason you can’t deal with it on your own, you can seek help from the Irakli Pozharisky Psychology Center. Working with a psychologist will help you realize the significant components of your life, decide on next steps and perspectives.
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It is love that generates affection, because a loving person cannot but experience it in relation to the object of his love. He misses being apart and cannot imagine life without his soulmate. If love and affection exist in harmonious unity, they contribute to the creation of a long and beautiful union of two loving hearts.
Habit or attachment as a substitute for love
It happens that, a few years after meeting or getting married, love leaves, leaving room only for habit or affection. Attachment is even capable of giving the illusion of love for a while. People who experience it still need each other, they are pleased to be around, the presence of a loved one in their life brings a sense of harmony and security. At the same time, in a relationship there is no longer the former reckless passion, boundless admiration for a loved one. She doesn't give those vivid emotions that only love can bring to life.If a person begins to notice shortcomings in his partner that irritate him, then he experiences only affection or habit, but not love. Attachment and habit are often identified with each other, but these are perhaps different feelings. If affection still involves some kind of warmth, tenderness and desire to take care of close person, then the habit can be reduced only to coexistence, accompanied by mutual boredom and unwillingness to change anything for fear of losing a certain comfort.
The easiest way to distinguish love from habit or attachment is to be apart for a while. loving people they will suffer in separation, strive for each other, and the longer it continues, the stronger the desire to see their loved one as soon as possible will increase. If the relationship was based on habit or affection, they will gradually begin to experience mutual cooling, and the desire to see each other will quickly disappear.
Dealing with feelings is quite difficult. The girl is sure that she truly loves, and then suddenly she meets another person and realizes that there was nothing in the past. Young people get bored when parting and after a while they simply forget each other.
How to understand when you met your fate, and when you just became attached to a person? How not to get confused?
You feel good and easy next to a person, communication delivers great pleasure, and separation becomes unbearable, you yearn and wait for a meeting ... what is it? These are the "symptoms" of both love and affection. Very often, young people cannot sort out their feelings, mistaking one for the other. At the same time, longing is often taken as an indicator of love.
But everyone wants love. It is to her, the very real one, about which poets write poems, and directors make films. A young girl, having read and seen enough stories about love, is ready for it internally, and it is not surprising that she takes any object she likes for love. Not suspecting that in addition to this high-profile concept, there are more: friendship, sympathy, affection and love. And these are far from being synonyms, but various complex psychological combinations that are united by one thing - longing. In all these situations, a person yearns for his beloved, friend, buddy.
What is love?
In different dictionaries, this concept is defined differently. Some this feeling defined as deep attachment, others as sex drive. But the main thing in the concept of love is the aspiration to another person, another person - the object of one's love. Love is a community of two people, it is a unity of souls, a desire to live the life of another person, to give oneself to his interests, aspirations and desires. Love is a lofty and joyful feeling that has nothing to do with jealousy, anger, hatred.
Love rejoices in the success of another, wishes good and does not require anything in return. It is selflessness that distinguishes this feeling from others. And when love is mutual, then this is a real gift from God, because only by mutual striving for each other can unity be achieved.
History from life:
They dated for a year in 11th grade. Fate separated them different cities. whole year they talked on Skype, traveled to each other, corresponded, called back. She found life unbearable without him. She was only happy with him. All her friends understood that she had real love and envied her. She cried, missed, yearned and wanted only one thing, so that he would always be there. She reproached him for inaction and was offended by fate that she separated them. And a year later on a normal day male voice on her phone told him not to call again. She met her new love.
Could it be that a girl is so lucky in life, without having fallen out of love with one guy, she was able to fall in love again? Of course not. Just for love, the girl took another feeling.
In our history, the lack of love is indicated by one important detail: the girl demanded from the guy to be there, failure to comply with this requirement led to resentment and reproaches. And love cannot demand anything for itself, because this feeling is always bestowal.
But what was it?
Attachment, what is it?
Another life story:
The family almost broke up because of the man's romance. For a long time he worked in another city as a “watch”, and one day his wife found out that there was another woman. Wise loving wife she didn’t start scandals, but after presenting evidence to her husband, she said: “Do you love? ... Go, let me go!” And gave me time to think. Needless to say, how much the man changed his mind during this time. He understood that he needed to choose one woman and lose another forever. But it was about love. He broke up with new girlfriend, because he realized that having lost her, he would experience longing, and losing his wife - pain. He explained to her: “I realized that I would miss our meetings more than anything and realized that I did not love you. I just got attached to you. I can survive this." A young friend threw tantrums, tore up the phone, poured reproaches. And the wife said that if he understood everything and made a decision, she would forgive him.
Of course, this story can be looked at in different ways: to put an argument family life and a sense of duty, the wisdom of one woman against the stupidity of another. But the most important thing here is choice. The fateful decision was made by a man. It was he who had to understand which woman he needed more, which of the two he really loves. It is worth believing that torment tormented him for more than one night. It was possible to sort out one's life only by choosing a loved one. And he judged correctly, taking as a basis the feeling of losing a woman. Comparing pain and longing.
Where does pain come from? It is from the break of souls. Love is unity, and after a break, you get a feeling of losing not SOMEONE, but a part of yourself. It has already been said about bestowal, and, having lost a part of yourself, given to another, it becomes unbearably painful. The pain is like a missing body part. Only the soul hurts. A heartache stronger than the physical.
How to distinguish affection from love?
Many psychologists and philosophers puzzled over this question. Vladimir Levy offers the following formula:
“Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection is measured by the pain of farewell…”
This is how he separates the two. If it is unbearably painful when parting, if longing squeezes from the inside and you want to be there, these are only symptoms of attachment. Of course, longing for a loved one accompanies love, but this is not the main thing. It is important to understand that you can forgive him: all or nothing ... Forgiveness is the measure of love. Forgive, as a mother forgives her children everything. Because she loves, which means she is disinterestedly directed at her child, wishing him happiness in life, not jealous, not demanding the return of love. Does the mother get bored when separated? Of course, he yearns, but he will never destroy the life of his child because of this longing.
There is another point in maternal love. The mother loves the child as he is, raising, grieving, rejoicing. But not one mother will not exchange her child for a more beautiful, smart, successful one.
In the story about another woman, not only the man showed his love, but also his wife, who was ready to let go or forgive, giving her husband the right to build her life, and readily accepted his decision. And as for the male mistake ... So the same is the phenomenon of love, to accept a person as he is: with mistakes and shortcomings.
So let's sum it up:
- Attachment is an external attraction, while love is based on spiritual kinship.
- Attachment can fade and flare up again, but love is a deep, constant, strong feeling.
- Attachment negatively affects people's lives, making them yearn, love gives strength, because a person has something to live for.
- Attachment is built on oneself and one's own egocentrism, love is completely directed to the other.
- Attachment requires the other to conform to one's ideals, and love simply loves the way a person is.
