Trapped in motherly love. Continuation. On a mother's protracted relationship with her adult children

, is a very large topic and it is impossible to consider it in one article. But I will try to reveal the principle of relations. I won’t write about complete families yet, although there are also problems there.

If a woman is a single mother, then a double burden falls on her, as earnings, and in relation to your child, and of course there is a factor of unsettled life. How she behaves with her child depends only on the individual character. Its behavior can be conditionally divided into three types, which we will consider. In the article I mention adult daughter, I want to convey to the reader that the life of an adult girl depends entirely on the upbringing of her single mother.

psychology of relations between a single mother and an adult daughter (type 1)

The psychology of the relationship between a single mother and an adult daughter, to this type I include women who by any means try to arrange their lives. Therefore, they are often absent from home, bring a noisy group of friends, drink alcohol, and possibly curse their ex-man. Break down on the child. There is almost no relationship between mother and daughter. If there is a grandmother, then the child is still lucky. The daughter needs to communicate with her mother, but she encounters indifference. This is how a young girl grows up who either repeats the life of her unlucky mother, or, on the contrary, starts from the contrary and begins to build a life differently: she studies well, achieves a career, appreciates family happiness. In any case, the daughter separates from her mother very early and builds her own life.

psychology of relations between a single mother and an adult daughter (type 2)

The psychology of the relationship between a single mother and an adult daughter according to the second type, it is that the mother does not look for her betrothed, does not abuse alcohol, she performs maternal duties, works, and perhaps even opens her own business. She is very busy and all. These are women who cannot forgive a man, the father of a child, perhaps still love and hate their ex-husband. They themselves do not try and do not want to change their lives and remain with a frozen resentment and hatred. At the same time, she sees her father in her daughter. Constant insults and humiliation to the child is guaranteed. An adult daughter grows up with a full sense of guilt before her mother and the whole world. She was drummed from childhood that her mother sacrificed her life so much, did so much for her, and she was as ungrateful as her father. Such girls cannot get married for a long time, or get into unpleasant stories. As a result, already the daughter with the child remains alone. Women (mother and daughter, and now a grandson) remain to live under the same roof, but the relationship is aggravated. The daughter feels even more humiliated and guilty of herself, and the mother continues to grumble that she has been broken all her life. Starting from the ex-husband, ending with the born grandson. I no longer write about my grandson or granddaughter. But the daughter of a single mother remains a gray and downtrodden creature all her life, which owes everything to her mother. If she still manages to leave her mother's house, then her mother will definitely remind her of her duty and duty ...

psychology of relations between a single mother and an adult daughter (type 3)

The psychology of the relationship between a single mother and an adult daughter according to the third type, the most “kind” (I took the word in quotation marks, because kindness is a double-edged sword). Here, the mother transfers all her love and unfulfilled dreams to her daughter. She becomes her daughter's friend. She tries to keep abreast of all her affairs. Constantly supports the daughter. everyone, raises a queen out of her ...

The mother transfers her whole life to her daughter and, of course, hopes that everything will be different for her daughter. The prince will definitely jump to her daughter in a “white limousine”, give her a palace with servants (that’s why she doesn’t even teach her daughter housekeeping, she does everything herself). She also solves the problems of even an adult daughter herself.

It seems that what else is needed, one can only dream of such a childhood and mother ...

And now let's talk in more detail about the double-edged sword, or "kindness." In adult life the daughter comes in completely unprepared and unfit. Getting married is also a problem. No, she has enough suitors, only not all of them are princes, whom they are waiting for with their mother. Either the daughter does not like it, or the mother-friend advises that he is not a daughter for you. Or rather, it will not be for him that I raised you, cherished and cherished ...

If the daughter still found her prince and got married, then her mother continues to help her with the housework, decide family matters, suggest. The daughter, of course, accepts help, she is used to it since childhood and does not know how to calculate the budget, do the cleaning, cook. But her husband is unlikely to like the presence of his mother-in-law. Therefore, either scandals and divorce (and the mother will only support her daughter). It was not a prince, we will look for another ...

Another version of events, the daughter will be forced not to communicate with her mother, but at the same time feel guilty and helpless. And my mother will only support this guilt, I have helped you all my life, and you did this to me in my old age ...

Instead of a conclusion

I have described three vividly expressed type but of course there is mixed types relationship between a single mother and an adult daughter. I want to appeal to all the mothers who raised their children alone. Dear women, do not reproach your children, this is your life and you lived it as best you could, as you yourself wanted. It's not your daughter's fault that you made the choice to give her life. Do not manipulate children, do not instill in them a sense of guilt and obligation, do not ruin their lives with your script. If you still have grudges against men, then try to remove them. Your unfulfilled hopes and dreams do not need to be passed on to children. Each person has his own life and. We have to go our own way and solve our problems ourselves...

Dear girls who were raised without a father, forgive your mothers, do not accumulate resentment, do not sit next to your mother, build your own life. The sooner you leave and take responsibility for yourself, the sooner you learn to manage your life. Of course, it is difficult to do without a mother, but a strong personality must be responsible for her actions herself. Do not blame anyone, do not depend on anyone and live your life as you want.

The root of the problem is that the aging single mother is left alone. A family parents do not interfere in the lives of children, because they have something to do. woman wife after leaving the house of adult children, she continues to clean, cook, wash and communicate with her husband, maybe argue, even grumble, but she is not alone!!! I really understand loneliness, but this is not a reason to get into the lives of your children ...

Sincerely, Angelica.

Interesting information coming soon!

Psychology of motherhood

For a long time I could not start this article. I had scattered impressions, I asked myself a lot of questions that I could not answer, I was worried, tormented, but I had a holistic and clear understanding life situations that I observed did not occur.

When visiting my parents who live in another district in Moscow, I often met a 50-year-old neighbor in the stairwell, who seemed strange to me: internally depressed, aloof, some kind of passive and limp, without a pronounced male energy and movement activity. After inquiring with other neighbors, I learned that he lives with his mother and has never tried to start his own family. After the death of his mother, he began to go to family dinners with a neighbor who complained about his intrusive presence: her husband reacted negatively, and she herself began to feel that forced to take care of him, as his mother used to take care of. I was surprised: “It’s unnatural and it shouldn’t be like that… But why is it there?”

We are sitting with our youngest daughter in a cafe. At our table young man in his 20s. At a cursory glance at him, I get a feeling of a strange soreness in his posture and behavior: passivity, indifference to others, lack of will, a vague look, some kind of devastated compliance. “Did he come here not with his girlfriend, but with his mother?” I was amazed at my thought. And indeed, after a few minutes, she approached the table an energetic middle-aged woman with a cold and hard face, carrying a tray of food. They silently ate and moved to the exit. Mother in front, with bags, pushing through a crowded cafe, her son follows her, cowardly hiding behind her back.

Lives in a dacha not far from us strange family. A mother aged 60-65 and her two children - a son and a daughter aged 40-45. The mother receives a small pension, the children do not have families of their own and do not work. Living financially is difficult. At the same time, the brother and sister are somehow strangely weak-willed, with dull obedience to everything, and the mother is rude, fussy and energetic, always ready for shouting and scandal.

We walk in the evening with my husband in the park. My attention was drawn to a couple - a large, self-confident woman of about 55 and next to her a tall young man. She has vitality and energy, but he is drooping, devastated, as if his outer, bodily shell is not filled with inner, human content. And again I felt regret and pity.

In these everyday stories, behind the "facade" of differences in living conditions and biographical facts, a common pattern is visible: a strong, active, energetic mother - and weak, passive, helpless children who live with their mother and depend on her throughout their lives.

Each time I observed such cases, I felt anxious bewilderment in relation to the mother and acute pity in relation to the adult son or daughter. Every time I wanted to lend them a helping hand and "tear" them from their mother, but I stopped myself: “After all, next to them is a mother, and she must take care of the welfare of her children!”

I realized that it was necessary to talk and write about this when similar cases began to arise in front of me not only in life, but also in the profession, in the course of psychological counseling.

In one of the southern cities, after a seminar, a man of mature years approached me. He asked to receive his elderly mother, who began to show sclerotic phenomena. When talking with him, it turned out that he was twice married, divorced and now lives with his mother. They have common money, they shop together, watch TV, walk, relax in the country. And it's been that way for about 10 years. When I asked if he had a woman, he replied: “It’s useless: I can’t work with women. My mother and I are very good friends, and I feel good with her. ”

At the reception - a mother and her son - a teenager. The boy does not go to school while being homeschooled. He does not leave the house alone, always and everywhere only - with his mother. During the consultation, he sat next to her, holding her hand. There is a father in the house, but he works a lot and rarely communicates with his son. Restrained, laconic and rather dry, he concisely and coldly detachedly communicates with his wife. And she is brightly emotional, open, striving for intense and rich communication. In relations between spouses - the distance that the husband experiences as natural, but the wife does not accept it and suffers. Motherhood created an opportunity for her to fill the emotional vacuum she felt acutely in her family. The son became for her the only person on whom it was possible to “pour out” her love and whom it was terrible to let go of herself. And only after a series of consultations, when relations between the spouses improved, their boy began to go to school. Mom let him go...

The family consists of a grandfather, grandmother, a divorced mother and her eleven-year-old daughter. Grandfather is a disabled pensioner, grandmother is a judge, mother is a health worker. For about two years, the girl does not go to school, being home-schooled. Reason: mother is afraid that her daughter will get infected at school viral infection. I drew attention to the fact that mother's fear for the health of her daughter manifested itself during the period of her divorce from her husband in connection with the experience of her loneliness. I think that additional comments are not needed here, I will only note that the domineering and energetic grandmother in this family keeps everything under her control.

At the consultation - a mother with a second-grader son. She carefully takes off his coat, straightens his clothes, smoothes his hair and leads him into the office. Complaint: the boy is passive in the lessons, does not answer the teacher's questions, although he prepares homework well. In front of me is a child with open and trustingly open eyes, almost not entering into communication. Every time I ask him questions, he turns to his mother, as if asking her how and what to answer. And the mother is responsible for the son. The family consists of a father, mother and two sons. Many years ago, the eldest, who was brought in for a consultation, almost died due to the fault of his father: they crossed the street in wrong place and the boy was hit by a car. The mother spent a long time in the hospital nursing her child. She has a constant fear for his life, and her father is completely removed from his upbringing.

In a city near Moscow, after a lecture, a middle-aged woman turned to me with a request to diagnose her daughter-in-law. The family consists of grandfather, grandmother (mother-in-law), son, daughter-in-law and their three children. A few years ago, the son married against the will of his mother. The young family lived with their parents, children were born, but the mother-in-law did not reconcile herself to such, as she considered, the "unsuccessful" marriage of her son. For a long time, on trifles, she bullied the young woman. The latter became super-anxious, fearful, suspicious, suffered from insomnia. I refused to diagnose my daughter-in-law, but offered to help a young family — husband and wife. Instead, an older woman, the mother of a son, came to me. She expressed dissatisfaction and said that they did not need my services. Later I learned that she had found a psychiatrist and the daughter-in-law was admitted to the hospital. This was followed by a divorce and deprivation of motherhood of a young woman. A few years later, I saw the son of my client in Moscow, when he came to me for a consultation with the question: “Why am I not getting relationships with women? Because I'm still alone!" Instead of answering, I asked him: “Do you live with your parents?” He lowered his head: “Mom is often sick, and I can’t leave her…”

Examples of a protracted relationship between a mother and her child (daughter or son) are extremely numerous, they are found both in life and in psychological practice. And since the word "mother" for us is sacred, I was in an internal contradiction for a long time.

• What's happening?
• Motherhood - is it good or bad? It should be good! Who can be better than a mother for a child?
• But I see and feel that in some cases it is bad and everyone suffers!
• Why is this "bad" so common in our lives?

Motherhood is an eternal and high spiritual value. Mother's care, her warmth, support, readiness for self-sacrifice and forgiveness are glorified in the culture and religion of many peoples. Where is the line beyond which life-giving maternal love turns into something painful, unnatural, rigidly selfish, when a mother saturates her child with energy and vitality, how many takes them away from him, making him unviable and weakened?

Is mother's help and support a blessing and freedom, or is it help-binding, "help-prison"? AND Why does a child flourish and gain strength with one mother, and wither and fade with another? Why do some mothers have prosperous children who have their own families and an independent life, while others live all their lives next to her in lack of freedom and dependence? And why do some become adults, while others remain children? And what kind of adulthood is there - real, internally meaningful, or only role-playing, externally played, "put on" when leaving for work and "dumped" when returning home to mom? And finally, if the child is weak and fearful of adulthood, whose problem is it: the aging mother or the grown-up child?

And, of course, I must now ask the most difficult, typically Russian question: "What to do?" Professional experience shows that such situations are difficult to psychologically correct or not at all...

These have been my experiences for many years. And now I turn to psychological analysis. Gradually, step by step, I will move towards a holistic understanding of the problem.

Psychological design in the child-parent relationship of mother and child

When pregnancy occurs, a woman goes through the path of not only physiological preparation for childbirth. Even before the ultrasound examination, she and her husband begin to think about who will be born - a boy or a girl, what kind of child will be and what kind of mother she will be. She discusses the birth of a child with relatives and friends, walks down the street and pays attention to infants, looks at her childhood photos, asks her mother what she herself was like as a child ...

In a word, a living, pulsating and changing image of her unborn child arises and forms in her mind, gradually taking shape from fragments of her childhood memories and adult impressions, her preferences, desires and aspirations. How in her body the developing fetus is permeated blood vessels that feed it, so in her mind the image of an unborn child is permeated with living “threads” of her soul and character, her past experience and the experience of her parents (of course, the image of a child is also formed under the influence of the father’s psychogenotype, but in this article we will consider first of all, the influence of the mother on the child, since it is she who bears and gives birth to him).

It is important to emphasize that Even before the birth of a child, the mother treats him in a certain way: loves and wants him to be born or perceives his future birth as an extra burden and gives birth to a child under pressure of circumstances (according to medical indications you can’t have an abortion, “We have been living without children for a long time, we have to give birth sometime, then it will be too late”, etc.). Many mothers talk to their child in their stomach, broadcasting their attitude towards him in their words and intonations.

That's right: the child has not yet been born, and his psychological project already exists in the expectations of the mother., she already assumes that he has certain personality traits, character and abilities. And after birth, consciously or unconsciously, the mother begins to raise her child in accordance with her original project.

Of course, a child is not a “blank canvas” on which only the mother paints his portrait. In the course of development, he also strives to create his own self-portrait. He leaves some paints imposed by his mother, at some moments he changes them, and refuses some maternal strokes. But the fact is that he is approaching the "psychological canvas" on which there is already a portrait of himself painted by his mother.

Transmission and assimilation of the psychological project

So, in the process of daily care for the child and communication with him, the mother “puts on” the “psychological clothes” sewn in advance, even before birth, on her child. Such transfer of the project occurs in direct and indirect form (VV Stolin, 1983).

The direct form of the transfer of the project is words that express the assessments of the mother of her child and her attitude to what he is doing or has done. indirect form- these are the views of the mother, the intonations of her voice, interjections, touches, her actions and deeds. Often in the process of direct communication of her expectations, the mother acts consciously, and in the case of the indirect form of projection, unconsciously. The boundary between active consciousness, strong-willed aspiration, spoken words and spontaneous movement, an intonation that sounded accidentally, an unexpected look or act is extremely thin and plastically changing, therefore, the selection of these two ways by the mother of her child is very conditional.

This transfer of the project can be expressed by the mother in positive or negative ways that create emotional background, in which the child lives and develops over many years of his childhood, adolescence and adolescence. The positive mode of transmission is expressed as follows:“You are good”, “I love you”, “You will succeed”. Negative way:“You are worse than I would like”, “If you are better, I will love you”, “If you are the way I want, you will be fine.”

In the first case (with a positive project transfer method) the child receives from the mother, as a spiritual inheritance, the opportunity to treat himself well, initially and, without any doubt, positively accepting himself (“I respect myself because I am a Human”). In the second case he rushes about and painfully doubts his own self-worth, as if rejecting his human being (“I am the worst of all”, “I have nothing to respect myself for”).

Assimilation of positive or negative self-esteem by a child occurs not only at the level of formation of his acceptance or rejection of himself, but also at the level of his dominant emotional mood (activity, energy or depression, apathy), general orientation and life philosophy (optimism or pessimism), attitudes and orientations (struggle for oneself or submission to the influence of circumstances). These unspoken "contents" of emotional background states are "recorded" into the unconscious sphere of the child's psyche, just as files are recorded in the computer's memory, and act either in the form of a "system block" (background state), or in the form of psychological "files" opened by life ( actions performed by a person, sometimes unexpected for him).

Units of transmission and assimilation of the psychological project

The process by which a mother conveys to her child a positive or negative attitude and, accordingly, the formation of his self-attitude - acceptance or rejection of himself, can be decomposed into certain "units" of verbal or non-verbal communication mother and child.

So, you can often see how it happens attribution the child of positive or negative qualities that he does not have or that have not yet manifested in his behavior.

positive attribution- this is, in essence, the assignment to the child of the nearest "zone of development" as a progressive perspective of his internal movement. In this case, the mother communicates with the child as if he had positive, “strong” sides of his personality and character (“Why did you take this toy to kindergarten? I know you are kind and honest. Tomorrow take it to the children, they want to play too).

Negative attribution is the programming of a regressive lifeline for a child. The mother “sculpts” the negative aspects of the personality and character of her child, calling him “bad words” (“Why did you take this toy in kindergarten? You are bad! You are a thief!”).

Let's analyze this example. The child took a toy in kindergarten. He took action. But the child himself is still "no" here! He is neither bad nor good!

The mother makes him good or bad - through her assessment of his actions. In her own words, she denotes not so much his action as his own: “You are kind and honest” or “You are bad and a thief.” The child's action is situational and transient, but the mother's assessment is "recorded" in his internal system in the form of self-assessment and his emotional background state: "I am good" or "I am bad."

Let's think about it: after all, such attribution occurs daily, several times a day and for many years ...

Design also takes place rise or fall child by mother. Elevation:"Well done! You know more than me! You can do what I can't! You're right, I think I'll heed your advice." decline: "Little yet, listen to what the grown-ups say! What do you understand! Here live with mine, then you will understand!

The rise of the mother of her child gives him self-confidence(“If mom praises, then I’m worth something!”). This quality is accompanied by an internal state of active vitality, the desire for self-affirmation and deployment of their vitality.

And vice versa, decline programs his self-doubt(“If my mother scolds, then I am worthless, I am a nonentity!”). Such a quality as uncertainty goes “in parallel” with the internal state of over-anxiety, reduced vitality, and a tendency to depression.

The transfer of the psychological project by the mother occurs through the creation by her for her child zones of freedom or restrictions and prohibitions. Freedom (“Do what you want or see fit”) is the mother's transmission of her trust to the child. And, as you know, you can trust a good, smart and strong man. It is this message that the child “reads” through his unconscious beginning in communication with his mother.

The consent of the mother with the freedom of her child is also the recognition of his right to his own life. The mother conveys to her child something like this: “I live the way I was able to organize my life. But you can live your own way, the way you can make yourself and your life.” Here the mother assumes the psychological equality of herself and her child: “I am a man and I live as I want. And you are human and you can live as you want.”

Assuming the freedom of her child, the mother programs the need for him to rely on himself, on his own independence. It is at this moment that the child arises and develops the ability to be “himself” and build his life according to his desire. Such a mother's attitude towards her child is extremely useful for him also in terms of the formation of his psycho-physiological system of self-control, self-regulation and reasonable self-discipline.

Restrictions, prohibitions and countless "It is forbidden"- this is a mother's deep distrust of her child, the non-recognition of his right to psychological equality with her. Restrictions and prohibitions hinder or completely block the successful development of the child's self-regulation system, because they force him to constantly and intensely maintain a relationship with his mother ("What is possible and what is not?").

This allows the mother to control and manage him, because it is she who acts as the main forbidding or allowing authority for the child: the child relies on her and believes her, does not rely on herself and does not believe herself. In this case, the mother becomes an externalized, subjectivized “system of regulation” for the child, which he needs now and will need for a long time later. As can be seen from the examples above, a child can become accustomed to the control of the mother and will need it all his later life.

The transfer of the project takes place through recovery or disability of the child. Despite the fact that this unit of communication between a mother and a child concerns, first of all, his physical health, here there is also a psychological “lining” of his self-confidence or self-doubt, the formation of his idea of ​​himself as a person who is able or unable to protect himself.

Recovery is often expressed in this way: “You can walk through puddles, just make sure that the water does not flood the edges of your boots”, “You can walk without a hat, but when it gets completely cold, put on a hood.” You can see that gradually, in the second part of her address, the mother shows her child that he can protect himself ("... make sure that the water does not flood the edges of the boots", "... put on a hood"). It is important to emphasize that the mother here relies on the activity of the child and programs this activity: “Act, defend yourself!”

Disability is expressed in the fact that the mother evaluates the child himself as in advance incapable of self-defense:“You are so pale, are you sick?”, “You are weak, rest, I will do it myself.” Pay attention: "Pale - fell ill", "Weak - rest." This is the mother's programming of her child's passivity, his inability to defend himself. As we have already said, such programming is often done unconsciously by the mother, she really wants to protect her child, close him with herself, protect him from everything, and from illness too. This moment is the key to the maternal formula, common in our culture: "A mother wants only good for her child."

Unfortunately, such a mother does not take into account that it is simply impossible to protect her child “always and from everything”: the child can only protect himself from the adverse effects of the external environment, through his own activity and through his own actions. Therefore, a reasonable maternal formula should sound something like this: "I will teach you how to defend yourself so that you can protect yourself without me."

Psychological projection extends not only to the area of ​​interactions between mother and child, but also to his social status among friends and peers, to his position in relations with people. I mean the situations in which the mother positive or negative comparison your child with other children.

In the first case she positively highlights her child: “You do it better than anyone”, “You are the most beautiful with me.” In case of negative comparison, the mother makes a choice in favor of other children: “Everyone is children, like children, only you are so crazy with me”, “Look how smart Lena is! Everything works out for her: she studies better than anyone, well-mannered and accurate. And I have you - I don’t know what ... ".

In the positive and negative comparison of the mother of her child with other children, a projection mechanism is manifested: if the mother is a self-confident person, then, as a rule, she praises her child and positively distinguishes him from other children. If a mother is an insecure person who feels inferior to other people in some way, she will treat her child in the same way, passing on her own insecurity to him.

The psychological project that the mother transmits

Of course, I also often heard: “A mother always wants only good things for her child” and “A mother will never advise a bad thing.” But the transfer of a negative project is really happening - this is a fact! Let's see what the mother seeks to convey and why does she consciously or unconsciously “choose” negative ways of conveying it?

First, let's answer the question: "What?"

In our culture, parents want their child to:

1. "was good decent person»;
2. "was honest";
3. "studied well";
4. “was smart” (usually this means: “memorized well educational material»);
5. "carried it out."

In addition, often a mother wants her child to be able to do what she herself could not do or achieve what she herself could not achieve. For example, if the mother had musical ability, but due to certain life circumstances she did not manage to learn music, she seeks to give music school his child and expects him to succeed.

The mother can express her wishes not only regarding the child's activities, but also the level of his claims and desire for success, the desire to have a certain social status, communicate in a certain circle, stand at a certain level of the social hierarchy.

Thus, the mother wants the child to learn the cultural norms of inner life and outer behavior. Of course, positive norms.

Now let's answer the question: "Why?"

Why, despite her desire to make her child good and smart, does the mother still carry out negative projection? There are several reasons for this, let us first dwell on those that determine the conscious choice by the mother negative impacts on your child.

First: her parents, in particular, her mother, also treated her in the same way, and, having no other experience, she believes that with a child “You need to be strict”, “Keep him under control” and “He needs to be scolded, not praised” (“ I praise - the egoist will grow").

Second: if the child is a son, externally and internally similar to his father, with whom the mother divorced, negative projection can be conscious and quite intense. The woman survived the drama of life, is offended, and the son resembles his father's features. She consciously wants "He won't become what his father was" and she works hard to ensure that this doesn't happen.

Third: the mother is fast and mobile, but her child is slow and inhibited. When interacting with him, she often feels annoyed: “Well, come on faster!”, “You are always digging, because of you I don’t have time!”. She is trying to "remake" the child's temperament, constantly pushing him, because she believes that "In life, he will not be in time for anything."

The unconscious choice of negative projection methods is most often associated with a woman’s general dissatisfaction with life, which is “dumped” onto the child (“I feel bad, everything around is bad and you are bad, unsuccessful”).

Quite often a mother yells and scolds her child for a reason. chronic fatigue, nervous exhaustion or lack of time to explain their requirements: “I said - and that’s it!”, “Do as I said and don’t argue!”, “Put away your toys, you always scatter, you can’t do anything yourself!”

If a husband suppresses his wife, in turn, she may unknowingly suppress her child., showing with him his difficult internal state and transferring to communication with the child the style of relations that the husband implements with her.

The attitude of the child to the psychological project of the mother and the ways of its transmission

It should not be thought that the attitude of a mother towards her child should always be positive and gracious. Will the mother's negative project "work" regarding the formation of a strong, autonomous son and a free, self-confident daughter, or, on the contrary, will make them super-dependent social "cripples", largely depends on the “irradiation dose” and the activity of the mother, as well as on the strength and activity of the child himself.

In "beams" over-criticism and over-control mothers potentially weak child really becomes "erased", passive and submissive, as if giving his mother his life and himself. A strong child will fight for the opportunity to independently build oneself and one's life, overcoming the mother's attitudes, and, having matured, leaves her.

Weak child can also leave his mother, asserting his adulthood and desire to "live his own life." But often such departure is not so much about internal development, but about finding a strong partner and accepting this leadership instead of the leadership of the mother.

However, both strong and weak children, inside their consciousness, in the hidden "bowels" of their psyche, may reject themselves. But if the weak often resign themselves to this, then the strong either build a rational system of protection at the level of mind and duty (“I must be strong and independent”), or in turn become over-critical and over-controlling parents for their children. Let us note in passing that authoritarian, dominant and rigid leaders are, in the vast majority of cases, the sons and daughters of precisely authoritarian and powerful mothers.

There is another, rarer "option" for the child to overcome the negative maternal project: escape from reality into the symbolic world of creative self-expression. If in real life, in interaction with his mother, there is complete dependence, control and prohibitions, then a talented person consciously or unconsciously seeks an area of ​​​​occupation in which he would feel free and meaningful. Such an area can be artistic or musical creativity, scientific work, writing and other activities in which you can freely express your individuality and which are not available for controlling actions on the part of the mother.

Contradictions in the psychological design of the mother. The negative projection of the mother is a test for the child, which he can still survive constructively, strengthening his individuality or expressing himself in creativity. More serious difficulties arise for the child when the mother behaves with him in a contradictory, ambiguous way. Often this is expressed in the fact that in statements addressed to the child, she expresses a positive attitude towards him, and in her actions and deeds - negative.

So, a mother can talk to her child about her maternal love and about how good he is, but her eyes will be cold and distant at the same time, and her voice will be alien and without warm, loving intonations. She can inspire him with the idea that “She is a mother and only wants the best for him,” but in reality she will be guided only by her own goals in her actions, neglecting the goals of the child.

As a result, a contradiction arises between the positive content that is spoken by the mother and which the child hears and understands, and the negative general atmosphere of the relationship, as well as the expression of the mother's face and the sound of the voice that the child sees and hears.

The child can also feel the contradiction and discrepancy between the spoken and demonstrated content when observing the actions and deeds of the mother. Doing something, she says: “You need this,” but in reality he sees and understands that it is not for him, but only for her.

The inconsistency of the mother's psychological projection can be expressed not only in the discrepancy between what is said and what is demonstrated in relation to her child, but also in the instability of these relations. Today, mom is calm and loving, understands everything and forgives everything. And tomorrow mom is nervous, aloof, does not want to understand and forgive anything. Such sharp swings in the mood and attitudes of the mother are always unexpected for the child, he gets scared and, not understanding the reason, often blames himself for this (“I did something wrong and badly, so she stopped loving me”).

In this regard, one can speak of a situational and constant contradiction in the psychological projection of the mother. We spoke above about the form of the relationship between mother and child, in which she constantly shows inconsistency and ambiguity. In the case of situationally-contradictory psychological projection, only in some situations that are super-significant and frustrating for her, the mother loses her inner balance and becomes contradictory for the child. In other, more “calm” situations, it can manifest itself unequivocally for the child.

Specific example. In one family, it was customary for a ten-year-old daughter to walk in the courtyard of the house in the field of view of her mother and that every time she looked out of the window, the mother could see her child. But one day, with the onset of evening, the mother did not see the girl and began to look for her. The search yielded nothing, and the woman became seriously worried.

When it was completely dark and she was already desperate to find her daughter, a girl appeared in the back of the yard, running towards her mother. She played with her friends and began to get ready to go home when it began to get dark. The girl rushed to her mother, trying to snuggle up to her, because she herself experienced the fear of getting lost. In turn, the mother also extended her hands to her, but instead of affection and love, she suddenly began to loudly scold the girl for deviating from the agreement and leaving the courtyard of the house.

As you can see, in this case, a situational contradiction arose between maternal love, joy, because the girl was found, and the mother's concern for herself, her desire to protect herself from unrest. Such a mother really loves her child, but she has problems in maintaining internal balance in difficult, stressful situations, as well as in an adequate expression of their own experiences regarding the safety of their child. As a result, in this example, instead of the joy of meeting her mother, unfortunately, the daughter experienced bewilderment and, possibly, emotional shock from the outburst of irritation from the mother.

The attitude of the child to the contradictory psychological projection of the mother

The contradictory and ambiguous attitude of the mother to the child significantly slows him down. personal development. So, there may be certain violations in the emergence and development of his inner "Image-I", as well as in the formation of an attitude towards himself. The child, included in a contradictory relationship with the mother, subsequently does not find a place for himself between the definitions of himself: “What am I - good or bad? Smart or stupid? Strong or weak?" Inwardly, he strives to build his positive portrait - good, smart and strong, but, not receiving support and reinforcement from his mother as the most significant person in this period of his life, he doubts his movement and stops without molding himself into anything concrete and effective. and concretely self-perceivable.

If we return to the topic of the “psychological portrait” that we touched upon at the beginning of the article, then we can say that the child cannot fully accept the image that the mother offers him because of the ambiguity and inconsistency of the means of influence implemented by the mother in relation to him. But he also cannot “draw” his portrait on his own, because he does not know what psychological “colors” - light and bright or dark and faded - to dip his “brush”.

This contradiction in relations with the mother is especially acute for a teenager who enters the period of his personal “self-birth”. If on this age stage with her conflicting attitude, consciously or unconsciously, the mother "blocked" the formation of his "I-image", self-attitude and self-esteem, he may not build his personality and remain "none", without an internal "core", as if an unformed "piece" of plasticine susceptible to any external influence.

During this period, in relations with his mother, a teenager rushes between the desire to have loved ones with her, trusting relationship and the fear of being misunderstood and humiliated by her. In the future, in his later life, not having a stable "I-Image", he will also rush about in relations with others. significant people: to strive for emotional intimacy in relationships with them and experience fear of the possibility of having emotional intimacy with them - such a "closed ring". He will accept and at the same time reject himself, desire and at the same time fear his partner.

Most clearly this internal contradiction, which can be defined as "Aspiration-fear", manifests itself in the son - a young man in relations with girls. Perhaps less clearly and directly, but still taking place, such a contradiction is also visible in a girl who had an ambiguous relationship with her mother during childhood, adolescence and adolescence. With all the strength of their soul, they strive to love and be loved, but they can also actively or unconsciously avoid close and stable relationships, experiencing incomprehensible anxiety and inexplicable fear.

How does an adult, a man or a woman, who grew up in conditions of contradictory maternal influence, behave? I will describe the possible “options” for the behavior of such children that I have met in my life.

Overdependence. Having failed to build their own “I-image”, a son or daughter, as you know, can stay with their mother and live with her all their lives. At the same time, consciously or unconsciously, the mother will bind them to herself, experiencing fear of loneliness and old age, especially if she is a woman who raised a child without a husband. Such children may make attempts to build their own life and their own family, but these attempts are often unsuccessful, and they return "under the wing" of their mother.

Tying a son or daughter to herself, the mother is super-critical about their love interests, always finding certain shortcomings in their chosen ones. By exerting influence on her child, the mother gradually "tears" him from his loved one, creating in him the illusion that "he (or she) can find better."

As a result, a lonely son stays with his mother, making up with her a kind of " married couple". Without physical incest, such a "family" is a case of psychological incest. We can say that such a mother, not finding a husband among adult men, grows a husband for herself from her son.

Daughter may also show overdependence on mother who returned with a child after an unsuccessful marriage to her mother or did not marry at all. In these cases, the mother gets the opportunity to organize a kind of "family", in which instead of one child (daughter), she already has two children (daughter and grandson or granddaughter). She begins to patronize and control not only her daughter, but also her grandson or granddaughter.

When a daughter returns to her parental home after a divorce, the mother begins to “life anew”. She again feels young and necessary, active and caring. But, unfortunately, this “surge” of the mother’s vitality is “fueled” life energy daughter, the mother, as it were, takes her life away, once again becoming the family leader. And it is not always clear why the daughter could not get along with her husband and was forced to divorce: because she was initially dependent on her mother, infantile and not ready for independent family life Or did the dominance and authoritarianism of the mother in conflict with her son-in-law prevent her daughter from having a prosperous family? (film by G. Panfilov "Indian Kingdom").

Both the grandson and the granddaughter, who grew up in such conditions, personal life may also fail. The lack of real experience of full-fledged female-male, love and family relationships affects, in which the boy gets the opportunity to "read" the forms of purely male behavior and the girl is feminine. A young man brought up in such a female "family" still has certain chances to organize his own family, if only because in Russian conditions he has a fairly wide choice due to the quantitative predominance of women over men. A girl from such a “three-story” female “family”, who observed a lonely grandmother and mother, is practically also doomed to loneliness. In the people, this phenomenon is defined as the "crown of celibacy."

Becoming lonely people, such "grown up children" experience increased anxiety before the world, acutely feeling their own insecurity and vulnerability. They are tormented by fears, they are suspicious and suspicious, expecting from the people around them any unseemly acts towards themselves. Often such negative expectations are exaggerated and are not related to the real attitude of people towards them. Fears and experiences of danger make them withdrawn, as if "withdrawn into themselves." They strive to find protection from their mother, who, it seems to them, reliably, like a “wall”, closes them from the aggressive and unpredictable outside world.

Such inadequacy, over-anxiety and autism can form a certain character accentuation in a grown son or daughter up to a borderline state and even mental illness. In the psychological literature, it is widely believed that this may be a schizoid accentuation, respectively, the mother here acts as a “schizogenic mother”. In the psychiatric literature, cases of schizophrenia are recorded, naming the mother who gave birth mental illness with her child, a “schizophrenic mother” (V.V. Stolin, 1983, pp. 34-38; ... one of the Italians).

Addiction

If, however, a child raised by such a mother, a young man or a girl, nevertheless built their own families, certain psychological difficulties are observed in them, typical for such children. Thus, the son often remains dependent on his mother, physically being an adult, and psychologically - an immature and infantile child. Such young man people usually call it "mama's boy". If he married a girl who is soft, emotional and weak in character, the older woman (mother-in-law) will retain and even increase her influence over her son. He will be guided by her opinion, ask her advice, give her money, etc.

But most often, such a son chooses as his wife a woman who is strong and transmits a maternal position in love relationships in order to unconsciously end his relationship with his mother. In his family, he manifests himself contradictory and ambivalent: on the one hand, such men express a demand that they accept their male leadership, on the other hand, they really act as dependent on their wife. As a result, a woman is forced to “play along” with her husband: to pretend that he is the main one in the family, but to really make decisions, earn money, take care of family affairs, raise children, i.e. be a family leader.

Unconsciously still experiencing pressure from his mother, such a son can "dump" his irritation on his wife, striving to "finish" himself with her and become an adult and mature. Such a desire is often expressed in unjustified aggression towards his wife, a focus on personal self-affirmation, and even some male tyranny. The aggressiveness of such a dependent husband is often enhanced by the fact that subconsciously he feels guilty towards his mother for having to leave her for another woman - his wife.

There may be another "option" for solving the problem - the conscious acceptance by the husband of the leadership of his wife. Often such men call their wife - mother, and it does not have to be older than her husband. But families in which a woman is physically and psychologically older than her husband and in which she leads, and he unquestioningly obeys her, are built according to the type of parent-child relationship in which the husband acts as if the “son” of his wife.

Such families are stable and stable if the wife is an active, energetic woman, formed like an “elder sister”. He wants to be taken care of, she wants to take care of her. But families break up if an equally immature child-wife is next to an immature husband-child.

In addition to infantilism young man and his dependence on his mother, infantile, immature and dependent daughters are also quite common. People call such daughters "mama's daughters." The wife's infantilism is manifested in the fact that she retains her dependence on her mother, who begins to lead the family of young spouses: make decisions, distribute money, raise grandchildren as her children, and so on.

If a young husband seeks independence, he will fight for his family, conflict with his mother-in-law, and strive to "tear" his wife from her mother. In case of success, the family will survive, in case of failure, the husband leaves, and the daughter with the children remains with her mother.

Who is guilty?

When considering the sad personal stories of lonely people, one often wants to ask: Who is to blame - mother, son or daughter? Professional experience shows that this typically Russian question can be answered as follows: Everyone is to blame - both the mother and the children.

Hence, mother makes two life mistakes. First mistake lies in the fact that she does not know how to overcome the style of relations she has learned, not understanding and not feeling that the incomplete “family” in which she grew up is rather not the rule, but a sad exception. The mother, who lives by repeating the experiences she has learned in her parental family, usually thinks like this: “My mother was a single woman and raised me without a father. And my son will live alone (or my daughter will live alone).” For comparison, here is the logic of the reasoning of a mother who seeks to overcome the stereotype of dysfunctional relationships in which she was brought up: “My mother was a single woman and raised me without a father. And I will be happy if my son (or my daughter) has a family.”

Second mistake mother is that she could not "set free" her child, son or daughter, at that age period when they needed it. This is first of all adolescence when a child goes through the path of personal maturation, as well as a period of youth, when a son or daughter has their own love attachments.

Yes, during adolescence the mother must necessarily recognize the autonomy and independence of her child, despite the fact that she may experience difficult and painful experiences. At this time, mothers usually say this: “I completely stopped listening. He does everything his own way! The mother speaks of the desire for independence, which she observes in her child, as something bad that needs to be “rooted”, although in fact every teenager wants to be independent and independent, since such a desire is the main life task of his child. age development. If the child does not pass this period successfully, he can remain dependent and infantile for the rest of his life.

In the period of youth, when a son or daughter has the first love affections, the mother usually says this: “I gave my whole life to him, and he, ungrateful, only thinks about her!” (“I gave my whole life to her, and she, ungrateful, only thinks about him!”). Or: “And what did he find in her!?” (“And what did she find in him?!”). And during this period, the mother does not take into account the life task of her son and daughter, who begin to go through a happy and at the same time difficult path of mastering the role of a man and a woman, in the future, respectively, father and mother.

It is impossible to speak one-sidedly, blaming only the mother, who in her motherhood is looking for a way of salvation from loneliness. Of course, that search for a mother carries the features of inertia, inability to be creative in life and maternal egoism, but the relationship of two always acts as a two-way relationship, in the content of which two participants make their “contribution”: both the mother and the child. It is quite reasonable to say here about the fault of the child - son or daughter. What is it?

A son or daughter entering adolescence and adolescence can be accused of they do not fight for themselves, for their growing up and for their independent life. In a sense, they take advantage of their mother, her life force and experience, experiencing fear of growing up. After all, becoming an adult means taking on obligations, learning social norms and prohibitions, accepting the duty of love, motherhood or fatherhood. All this is hard daily work, performed not so much at will and in accordance with the principle of pleasure, but out of a sense of duty and in accordance with the principle of objectively necessary.

So, a teenager striving for independence and independence must learn to communicate, understand people, set their own goals and strive to achieve them. In addition, a teenager must understand himself, "draw" his individual psychological portrait, form his inner "Image-I". Solving these vital tasks is difficult, but necessary.

A young man or girl, entering into a love relationship, should gain experience of caring for another person, forgiveness and self-sacrifice. At the birth of a child, they must learn not so much to take as to give - themselves, their strength, energy and life time - to a small being born. Obviously, it is incredibly difficult to do this physically and psychologically, and the always existing temptation to hide from life's problems "under the mother's wing" is very great.

Blame son or daughter who have not become truly adults, can be briefly formulated as follows: the rejection of life's work and the choice in the direction of an easier life path, free from obligations, debt and self-sacrifice, building one's life according to the principle "I want and give."

Despite the fact that outwardly such adult children live a simpler and easier life, not burdened with worries and expenses, they “pay” for it incredibly dearly - by their rejection of their own future. Indeed, sooner or later, the mother will complete her life and leave her grown-up son (or grown-up daughter), and the latter will have an empty house and a lonely old age. Alas, sad fate!

Svetlana Rumyantseva

The problem of conflict between children and parents has existed for centuries. Thousands of scientific works, literary works, films, works of artists and idle reflections are devoted to a sharp topic.

Despite the fact that a lot of time has been devoted to this issue, it has not been finally closed. The accumulated baggage of knowledge has not yet allowed us to get rid of conflicts and misunderstandings.

Moreover, it seems that the problem has grown and become more urgent. There is a natural explanation for this. The main cause of misunderstanding and conflicts is the scourge of modern society - selfishness.

People have lost the ability to listen and hear each other, have lost sincere interest to the problems and personality of the people around them, even very close ones. The only thing that interests modern man- these are his own problems, thoughts, feelings, desires. It is selfishness that does not allow.

Selfishness in relationships, as a rule, is a mutual phenomenon, but in this article we will talk about the causes of parental selfishness, how to fix already damaged relationships and keep them normal.

Sons. How much in this word for each of the parents. expect from them the embodiment of what they themselves could not bring to life. Mothers selflessly, selflessly love their children and wish them the very best. But as you know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The main cause of problems in relations with an adult son

In the life of every parent, there comes a moment when he must understand that his son has grown up and no longer needs you as much as he used to. He has become an adult, which means he must “play the role” of an adult. The body and psyche of the son by all possible ways signal that he must be responsible, independent, have his own opinion, principles, the right to defend his interests, personal time and space. For him, as for a man, these are vital values ​​and a condition for survival.

And now imagine that you continue to hold him "by the umbilical cord" and encroach on what is so important to him. What kind of reaction will you get? How does a person behave when they encroach on the values ​​necessary for his survival?

There are two possible reactions.

First option. The guy will fold his arms on his chest and submit to the parental will. It seems to be good for parents, the child remains under guardianship and control. But this option is fraught with serious problems of social adaptation in the future. It will be difficult for your son to adjust in the adult world, start a family, build productive friendships and work relationships. In this case, he will remain a child in all contexts of life, with all the ensuing consequences.
Second option. Protest and struggle. You become the opponent of the son. There will be no winners in this rivalry.

It will have to be for the reason that this is your child, you love him and wish for the best. And the best thing would be to let him go, let him be independent and give him the opportunity to fill his own bumps. This is a natural process, almost all parents go through it, and those who do not go through are doomed to go through the above options.

No one suggests that you withdraw yourself and become an indifferent spectator of your son's life. You remain the closest and dearest person to your child, but for the common good, you need to adhere to the rule of communicating with an adult.

Basic rules for a good relationship with an adult son

Stop giving advice when it's not asked for. When you give advice, you acknowledge and point out to the person their inexperience, incompetence, and inability to make their own decisions. Independent decision-making implies further responsibility for it. So when you give advice, you make two mistakes.

The first is that you recognize the failure of your son and deprive him of the right to get his own experience. It is unlikely that this will cause delight in any adult.

Second, you take responsibility for the outcome of your decision. If the result is negative, you risk receiving a generous portion of reproaches and claims.

So only give advice when asked to. If the parental heart is torn to pieces, and loving eyes filled with tears watching how the son “steps on the rake”, the only thing you can afford is to ask: “Do you need my help?”.

Do not criticize his choice. The same principle applies here as in the case of advice. Evaluation should only be given when asked. But even if your opinion has become interesting to him, then try to do without critical assessments. This is especially true of the guy's relationship with the opposite sex.

You are his parents and despite the fact that he is already an adult, your opinion matters. Most likely, the son will act in his own way, but he will take into account your negative opinion and next time he will think carefully before turning again. Nobody likes to be criticized for their choices. With your "honesty" you set the offspring against yourself. Respect the choice of your son, even if he, in your opinion, is not the best, but this is his choice.

If you want to convey thoughts, then contact through the "I-message". I-message is a message in which the speaker informs the other about his thoughts, emotions and desires without reproach and pressure.

In communicating with the son through the I-message, parents send a message to him, and not against him. For example: “You constantly ignore what I tell you” is an accusation. “Your opinion and attention is very important to me, but when they don’t listen to me, it’s unpleasant for me” - I-message. I-messages will prevent conflicts and mutual insults, help your son understand yours, and will not destroy trust and understanding. Communication in this style will also teach your son to correctly and tactfully convey his thoughts and experiences to you. I-messages qualitatively replace even constructive criticism.

Put yourself in his place.

Remember what was important to you, your values, anxieties and desires. This approach will help or allow you to approach them thoughtfully and.

Don't push. Newton's third law states that the force of action is equal to the force of reaction. So next time, before you press your son, remember that this law of physics works in interpersonal relationships as well. The stronger the pressure, the stronger the resistance.

Instead of insisting on what you need, try convincing your son that he needs it too. Communicate your needs through the I-message. It's a painless way to get what you want.

Advise and ask for help. A good effect for building relationships with an adult son is turning to him for advice and help. These appeals will give your son a sense of his significance and importance to you.

Admit your mistakes. In any conflict, each side considers itself right, but if you look at it, both sides are to blame. Left unanswered, any aggressive attack is extinguished. Therefore, if a conflict arose, then you were either the aggressor, or you responded in kind.

Think, in communication with your son, recognize them for yourself, and then talk to your son, apologize for these mistakes. Tell him that all the mistakes made are due to parental love and care for him. Make a promise that from now on you will be restrained in the manifestation of emotions, you will begin to respect him as a person and treat him as an adult.

To normalize relations, first of all, parents need to understand that the guy has grown up, and the style of parent-child relationship needs to be changed to adult-adult.

In conclusion, to reduce tension, here is a quote from Stanislav Yanovich Yankovskiy (Russian humorist and mathematical engineer) about the relationship between fathers and children: “Old farts differ from young stinkers only in terms of experience and experience.”

Love and understanding to you with your own children.

March 16, 2014, 18:07

Mothers are sons

A woman complains about the difficulties of relationships with her adult son.

What does your son mean to you?

Oh, it's hard to put into words. This is something bigger than my life. No, I can’t explain it,” says the mother of a 25-year-old son.

Like many women, this client became somewhat disappointed in her husband by the time she was married for five years. Ardent courtship is a thing of the past. Joint interests, dreams, the great attention that he paid to her - all in the past.

Our suitors are not like our husbands. When they got married, the husband was not at home for a long time. He worked. On weekends I stuck in the garage or went hunting. He needed to meet his friends. What about her? She learned how to command: you must keep the hearth. What did she want? She wanted intimacy, self-attention, love.

By the age of five or seven years of marriage, the husband almost disappears from the portrait of her family. Physically, he can sometimes be at home, but emotionally ... he is not.

It is natural that empty place in a family portrait, someone has to fill in. No, not a lover this time. My client has a SON.

Attachment to him is so strong and lasting (this is for life!), That it cannot be compared with any lover. She was comfortable with her son, their spiritual intimacy is obvious.

The husband did not crave intimacy. For many husbands, this is just an incomprehensible matter - to be interested in inner world wife and share your own.

The son provided consolation. He allowed to build a warm and lasting relationship with him. That's who she always needs is her son. Being needed is the hallmark of codependents.

A daughter would not live up to her expectations. My daughter will grow up to be just like her. And the son will conquer the world, he will turn into strong man. He will do what she herself would do if she were a man. Her level of ambition is high. The son will make up for what she, the woman, lacks.

It is possible that the son will have a different opinion about his destiny. This does not prevent the mother from idealizing him, praying for him. Can you imagine the strength of their emotional connection? Try to get away from your mother. Will not work. Strong attachment to the son gives the mother the opportunity to feel like a woman. This is an important need. To be loved, to be valued, to be respected. All this is part of the need to be a woman.

A woman with satisfied sexuality and close attachment to her husband will subconsciously communicate to her son that her attachment to him is natural, filled with joy, and not a substitute for something she needs. The son is given a calm awareness of his place in the world - he is neither the navel of the earth, nor abandoned in the worst place. Over time, he will come to an understanding of which man can satisfy the needs and desires of a woman.

An unsatisfied woman will tie her son to her with powerful chains. She just can't cut the umbilical cord. Why? It is very necessary for her to meet her urgent needs, to assert herself as a woman.

A woman in an unhappy marriage with an emotionally unavailable husband feels something like this: I don't have a man, I need a man to complement my feminine weakness, so I can't afford to lose my son. The son is all I have. She will idealize, overprotect him.

Part of her behavior is motivated by the fear of losing her son, especially to another woman. She will emphasize the purity of her love in comparison with the greed and deceit of all women who want to take possession of him. In essence, she informs him that there is no greater love in the world than her love. Do you now understand why sissies are bad husbands?

In search of self-identification, i.e. in search of an answer to the question: "Who am I?" son turns to his father. And what if the mother belittles the father, mocks the father? Then the son will not want to be like his father. And how can he admire his mother if she belittles her father? Are there many such smart women, who did not say in their family in front of their children: "Look what my bad husband did last week!" In my office, my wife calls their husbands "underdeveloped", "drunks", "it", "something miserable", "the one who will be lost without me."

Let's say it fell off the tongue, her patience is not iron. But what if the humiliation of the spouse happens all the time? If the relationship between the spouses is cold, alienated? Then the son does not identify himself with the father. A process begins, which psychologists call "demasculinization" or "psychological castration." Yes, the mother deprives her son of signs of masculinity.

Until the son identifies himself with his father, he is forced to identify himself with his mother, the embodiment of the real ruling power in the house. The son will prove that he is not a weak person, as the father is considered in the house. A son may have an internal conflict - simultaneous resistance to both father and mother. The son may fight against the mother for the right to become a man. In fact, men become what they resist. In this situation, he will be like a mother. But he will not become a full-fledged man. He, being connected by a strong umbilical cord with his mother, cannot become independent.

By the mature age of the son, the internal conflict may increase. He simultaneously rejects his mother and desires her presence, but he is always comfortable with her. He does not want to have a woman who resembles his mother as his wife, but often chooses just such. He wants another woman to take care of him exactly the way his mother did. At the same time, he wishes that his wife's care was not so intense.

The son easily feels guilty towards his mother, perhaps because he did not really satisfy all the claims of the mother, she expected too much from him. Feelings of guilt can be projected onto the wife in the form of aggression, not necessarily a fight, sometimes it is aggression of feelings, words, attitudes. There is something vengeful to the entire female tribe in his position.

The mother also has conflicting feelings. She wants her son to grow up, grow and at the same time wants to take care of him as a little boy. Nothing compares to this pleasure. Motherhood is not only sacrificial, but also selfish, we give birth for ourselves. After all, she had so little joy with her husband.

She knows that her son will leave for another woman, and she hates all his sexuality, all these impulses that will tear her boy away from her. It was this feeling that dictated her desire to criticize his girls, not to call him to the phone when the girls called. And now she is very critical of his wife.

Tatyana married a man who was and still is the center of the universe for his mother. Even now, 10 years after the wedding, Alexey takes off with joyful enthusiasm when he hears his mother's call. All these 10 years, Aleksey has been comparing Tatiana with her mother and, of course, not in Tatiana's favor. What about Tatyana? Every time she asks, maybe Alyosha is right? Maybe I'm really a bad housewife? Maybe I'm really a bad mother?

Alexei visits his mother once a week and has lunch there. Lunch passes under the comment: "Let the boy eat a decent lunch at least once a week."

When the mother-in-law comes to her son and Tatyana, she looks into the closets and checks whether there are sheets with sheets, and tablecloths with tablecloths. The mother must make sure the toilet is clean. Unloved expression "The toilet is the face of the hostess."

Tatyana occasionally complains about the shameless behavior of his mother, but Alexei always says: "This cannot be, you are exaggerating everything,"

When Tatyana got married, she hoped that Alexei would take care of her. He seemed to her strong, loving, sympathetic. Tanya soon discovered that he himself expected care from her, moreover, as a child. The weight that his mother used to do for him should now be done by his wife, as he wants. Tanya does not understand why the husband is not sensitive to the needs of his wife.

It's hard for Alex. He is in a dual position, between two fires. Mom's question is in the air: "Who do you love more, her or me?"

No wonder the Bible says: "And he said: therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matthew 19:5,6.)

It's not about leaving your father and mother literally, to abandon, to stop caring. It's about about cutting the emotional umbilical cord and deciding who you are in the first place - the husband of your wife or the son of your mother. Both roles are important, but some role should be first and some second. Alexey did not solve this issue.

Without resolving this issue, it is difficult to “stick” to your wife, to form a new emotional connection.

An intelligent mother knows that when a son marries, his first duty is to take care of his wife. If he got married, then he took these obligations before God, and if he signed in the registry office, then before the state. Some mothers don't want to admit it, and their sons don't want to change the rules of the game.

"Mama's boys" love the joyous excitement that the mother creates around them. The son receives unconditional love. Whatever he does, he is loved. Love without any conditions, so necessary little child, but irrelevant now. He is praised for minimal services.

Sharp criticism of a son can also serve the same purpose—reinforcing the strongest emotional attachment between mother and son.

The son wants to go to work in a remote area, as happened to my nephew. What did his mother do? This decision was sharply criticized. Her arguments: you make good money at this job. Stay with what you have. Don't lean out, don't take risks. Settle for less. The main and secret desire of the mother is to be with me, need me, remain dependent on me. Explanation: my sister, the mother of a nephew, has long been divorced from her husband.

Emilia said: “My adult married son boasts of his extramarital victories over women. Well, what will I tell him? I feel sorry for his wife, but I can’t spoil my relationship with my son. What is happening to him is terrible. and tells me about it. I can't say stop these ties. I can't ruin my relationship with my son. I can't afford to lose him."

Emily can be calm. No matter how many women the son has, she - the mother - is in his first place. The subtext of his retellings of his adventures is something like this: "You, mother, are an incomparable woman. I have other girlfriends whom I use for sex. But I love only you."

The son needs this boundless motherly love, as before. He is only 37 years old according to his passport, and in terms of maturity and dependence on his mother, he is 7 years old. After all, a wife cannot give him as much unconditional love as a mother does. If the wife does something good for him, then he feels obliged to pay the same. These are already obligations. This is responsibility. repertoire of adulthood. And mother does not demand anything in return, as long as he is with her, her forever little boy.

Some men raised by single women do not marry at all or marry late. They cannot decide to break with the atmosphere of admiration that mother has created.

Polina Ivanovna, the mother of a 40-year-old son, verbally expresses her desire for Yura to marry. And then he admires the fact that he is such a caring son, he has never rested on vacation without his mother. It is noteworthy that Yura is obese. His mother made him not a man even in the shape of his body. His mother demasculinized him. A layer of fat seems to protect him from the encroachments of women.

It is easy to be a good mother if you are satisfied with your relationship with your husband or at least with your lover. good mother sees in his son, although close, but a separate person, another, and not a continuation of himself. Often "mama's boys" become addicted to alcohol or drugs.

It is very difficult to change anything in such relationships. The mother's relationship with her son is in the nature of attraction. And yet there was one woman in my group who understood this attraction to her son. She managed to change herself to some extent. Here is how she describes it herself:

My son is now 27 years old. When he was a young man, I was so attached to him that I don’t remember a moment when I didn’t think about him. If by 11 p.m. he didn’t return home, I couldn’t find a place for myself. I was a total bundle of nerves. Once he told me: "Mom, of course, I can come home even at 22 o'clock. But don't you understand that you are poisoning my life?" These words shocked me, I thought about them for a long time. Gradually, I began to realize that love and my excessive attachment are not the same thing. In the group (meaning the psychotherapeutic group), I was finally convinced that I had to untie myself from my son. What helped me? Don't know. But I often use a prayer that I learned in a group (we are talking about Gestalt prayer). Now I repeat it every day.

I do what I do.

And you do what you do

I live in this world not to

Meet your expectations.

And you live in this world not to

Meet my expectations.

You are you and I am me.

I repeated these words constantly. Of course, my love for my son has not diminished in any way. But, painful as it was for me, I cut the umbilical cord binding us and saw how he began to breathe on his own.

The son is now married. I forbid myself to interfere in his life. Trust helps me. I remind myself that my son is no dumber than me and he can understand what is best for him to do. And you know what I notice? Now we have become much closer and dearer. And I have released a lot of energy that I spend on myself. I gave my son freedom and suddenly found my own.

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Relationship between mother and adult son

The relationship between the son and mother, exactly as in general - between children and parents, always develops far from ideal. Like it or not, but every time, instead of an ideal relationship, someone sacrifices something. And there is a lot of evidence for this.

For example, a son grew up, before that he lived in his parents' house. Everything went well. Relations with mother are equal. Yes, only that one appeared on his idle horizon, behind which both into fire and into water. And now the question arises of marriage, of the flight of a chick from under the mother's wing. This is where the relationship with the mother acquires sharp forms and transform into stretched strings. And this is natural, all the time the child was there, did what they asked, ate what they gave. And now a stranger suddenly appeared from nowhere and took happiness over the threshold.

And the mother seems to understand that the son needs to build an adult life, that he loves his wife, and she will not give him back to his mother. But she can't do anything with herself. Blind jealousy has already flooded in, unflattering remarks and nit-picking have already rained down in the direction of the daughter-in-law.

And now the son, as if between two fires, is beating, twisting like a snake, because he loves them both, and worries about the conflicts that have arisen. He tries to smooth all the corners and grind the irregularities. At this point, it's time for sacrifice. And the victim is greater, whose love is stronger.

For example - son donates with his peace of mind, trying to reconcile two women, he constantly agrees to be at the forefront, take on all the hardships and claims, experience constant stress and suppress all emotions in himself.

Or maybe the situation is developing in a different direction. Donates mother their feelings, their habits. He lets his son go into adulthood so that he finds himself and lives happily with his chosen one.

And after all, this is just one example, one reason that affects the relationship of a mother with an adult son - his marriage. But life is more complicated than it might seem. And there can be many such reasons. And all of them, one way or another, change the relationship of relatives, and not always for the better.

For example, housing problem when the always friendly son begins to aggressively demand from his mother an exchange of an apartment. Or bad company when the mother begins to lose control over her son.

Or a radically opposite situation, when a son, faced with any difficulties in adult independent living, returns back to the mother - and, as a rule, stays with her until the end.

All these situations are extremes of one problem, which originates much earlier, when the family, for example, is incomplete, when the child does not know what a father's mandate or a father's shoulder is. When the mother begins to pull the family alone and often goes too far. Eventually, or an aggressive son who considers his parent a failure, or Sissy , who could not forget his mother's overprotection and did not learn independence.

Perhaps there is a way out, it is difficult, complex, fragile. Balance, golden mean, constant readiness to meet halfway and seek compromises. Only then can the relationship between mother and adult son become, if not ideal, but even, calm and stable.