Why did he change? Return of the Prodigal Husband
The despair of a woman whose husband suddenly left her is great. It can overwhelm you, and in this case it is difficult to find a foothold in life. However, time heals, the pain subsides, the opportunity and desire to re-arrange one’s life arises. personal life. A person appears who becomes dearer to you day by day...
Does he love only you?
But one day (evening) you hear the doorbell ringing, and on the threshold... your ex! With flowers, champagne, cakes and the words: “I never stopped loving you for a minute. Even when I was THERE. Take me back! It gets dark in my eyes. Two desires simultaneously seize you: to throw yourself on your neck and... to strangle you.
How to properly understand a situation that runs counter to the traditional “go away”? How to accept correct solution? Here are some recommendations. Tell both your husband and your admirer that you need to be alone for a while to evaluate the situation. If you have the opportunity to leave, it is better to do so.
You need time to find your balance. Admit to yourself that you are not yet in a state where you can make the right fateful decision. But now is the best good time for rate. Formulate and analyze the REAL reasons for the breakup, remembering that in any conflict both are to blame. Determine what is his fault and what is your fault.
Ask yourself a few questions and answer them honestly.
╥ Will your relationship change now?╥ How realistic is this?
╥ Under what conditions can you live together?
╥ Is it worth replacing the recreated with a new one?
╥ What is the future of the “new” relationship with the old partner?
Make your decision on your own and alone.
Don't be afraid of your emotions
If you decide not to renew your relationship with your husband (or break off the relationship with a new admirer, it doesn’t matter), inform the man about this by phone. When meeting in person, it is much easier to lose control of the situation and get involved in a dialogue in which he turns out to be stronger and smarter than you. It is also possible that an act sexual violence, so that, at least through sex, make you “remember the past.” The decision should be formulated briefly, clearly and, most importantly, without boring logical, emotional or other explanations. Do not talk about the reasons; you will be drawn into a dialogue, and you may again lose control of the situation. The calmer and simpler you speak, the better. You can even read out previously written text.
You may feel guilty towards your husband when you tell him “no”. But now you have no reason to concentrate on his feelings, to care about him, to spare him. Yes, he feels bad. But you also have the right to an independent decision and an independent future life.
If the breakup with your husband happened because of his cruelty, bullying, or something else unacceptable to you, never meet with him again. But if you continue to love him (do not confuse this feeling with affection or wounded pride!), You will need time to understand yourself, then there is a small chance that your relationship may have a future.
If your feelings are still ambivalent, take your time to make a final decision. This is where the help of a specialist can come in very handy. The problems and difficulties that have already led you to a break once must be resolved and left in the past once and for all.
10 rules for a successful marriage
1. Start with clean slate. When getting married, you need to feel free from parental family. Only what is “digested” lives and brings benefits. And then: “You, like your father, are such and such!”, “And you are the spitting image of a mother-in-law,” “Go away, we can live without you!” Parents will help!” There is a “failure” from parents' house. 2. Find the “we” of your family, the shared identity, joint activities, but not for the sake of a goal (raise children, buy a closet, renovate), but for your own sake. Both partners are responsible for the well-being of the joint venture called “family” when they think not about each other or themselves, but about “we”. 3. Sex is the base. basis happy marriage is realized intimate life. Everyone has stagnation and calm, but conditions for intimacy can and should always be created. 4. Remain husband and wife. When children are born, adults immediately become mom and dad. But, nevertheless, do not ignore your partner, find time to be a woman and a man. Marriage is not only kinship, but also partnership. 5. Don't forget about humor and laughter. Humor, joke in family relationships help to survive in the most conflict situations. In this case, turning the conversation “in a raised voice” into a joke is a salvation for both. Laughter provides relief and food for joint communication. 6. Don't hold grudges. It is desirable to develop a "ritual of quarrels", their etiquette, bearing in mind that "a conflict-free family is not viable." As part of this ritual, you can lay out claims and grievances to each other once a week at the “hour of reconciliation” or every evening. And also never go to bed feeling resentful or angry. 7. Violence against a partner is taboo, no matter what they write in Domostroy or prescribe national or family traditions. 8. Learn from family scenes and crises. Use them as a training course for each other, remembering that both are equally to blame for the conflict. 9. Support, encourage your partner, not forgetting to find out from him what he needs to be praised for. Otherwise you will be offended once again: “I praise him, but he is like a stone.” And for a partner, this is not praise, but a norm of communication or even an insult. Give your partner a sense of security, strengthen his importance in his own eyes. A reliable rear is necessary. 10. Idealize your partner. Keep the good things you had with him. Cherish these memories. They are the basic myth on which the family's "home" stands. And that's why don't remake it, it's already perfect and knows what and when to change.No pills
The rules are simple, which is why they are so difficult to follow. If I reported some complex witchcraft ritual for sexual and family love spells, I am sure that there would be many women or men who would do it in full and repeatedly. But the pills family happiness can not be. Therefore, do not rely on anyone but yourself.
TO physical betrayal Many husbands take it easy. Some, justifying themselves, even manage to flatter their wife - I, they say, wanted to make sure that you are the best. And they are convinced ad infinitum...
Does a Leftist Strengthen a Marriage?
This is another popular excuse. If the spree of the faithful remains a secret for the spouse and other family members, and the man himself strictly observes sexual precautions, then perhaps such a marriage can really last long enough. But what if a man doesn’t even think about hiding his increased interest in other skirts?
In this case, the marriage can be saved only if the wife herself has a stigma in the cannon and the spouses have been living their own lives for a long time, albeit under the same roof. Marriage "for the sake of appearances" can be maintained for the benefit of the children, the peace of the parents, or for material reasons. If it suits both, why not?
At the crossroads
Of course, the easiest thing to do is break up. If your husband cheats on you and doesn’t give you a penny, drinks, beats, doesn’t take care of the children, doesn’t bring you money, that’s where the cheater belongs. And what about love? What are you speaking about? You need to respect yourself!
Before you choose the option of putting up with it, you need to think about whether the game is worth the candle, and whether you are even capable of it. If, apart from fraternal, you have no other feelings for your spouse, but living with him is beneficial financially or in some other way, try to agree that he disguise his campaigns to the left, without compromising himself and you in the eyes of children, relatives.It is extremely difficult and, as doctors say, very harmful to come to terms with betrayal when a spouse, as a man, is far from indifferent - long-suppressed anger and resentment have a destructive effect on the body and can lead to terrible diseases. Therefore, if Casanova cannot be corrected by any means, leave. Despite common interests, business and children. Health is more valuable.
The third option is the most expensive. Not in terms of money, but in terms of time, effort, imagination. After all, it is extremely difficult to make a respectable spouse out of a womanizer. But why not try? After all, if in all other respects your man is just a treasure, it’s worth fighting for him!
How to tame him?
Many women, having learned about cheating, decide to repay their partner in the same coin. Does it work? As a rule, no. The spouse may not react as expected to the mirror measure. After all, a wife is a stronghold for a womanizer, which is why he always returns to the family bosom. If he doubts her loyalty, the value of the family will be lost.
It’s another thing to instill only a shadow of doubt in your husband, to make him jealous, but without a specific reason. Remember how the Countess acted Almaviva in The Marriage of Figaro and Rosalind from the operetta " Bat”, who managed not only to convict their husbands of infidelity, but also to make them fall in love with themselves again. How to achieve this? Each woman has her own recipe. But it is necessary to become more confident, independent, and sexy. Just buy lace lingerie and make fashionable hairstyle- few. We must make the husband feel that he may lose his treasure. Then, instead of devoting time to other women, he will have to focus on his own.
Evgeny Orlov, producer:
“There are men in my circle who could teach Casanova a few lessons in seduction.” Usually women love such guys, at least communicating with them is a pleasure. If a girl wants to feel tension all the time and at the same time see next to her a person who is easy-going, sociable and extremely cheerful, this is her choice. I know girls who get a kick out of having a womanizer next to them, but at the same time they periodically create scenes of jealousy.
I am 30, my husband is 29, my son is 2 years old, I have been married for 8 years, we have been in a relationship for 3 years before marriage. And here's the problem - an office romance for about 8 months (according to my calculations, she is 28 years old, unmarried, no children), she refused to answer my questions about whether there was another (sex began once a month in October - the reason for the reluctance was a headache, tired, etc.). e) On January 1, everything was revealed, since I had been wearing the phone almost in parties for half a month. There was a conversation, he said that he was glad that it was revealed, I feel like family and close person, and to her strong feelings. After his parents found out, maybe new year holidays they had plans, he said that I wanted to save the family, everything was bothering him, he talked about the future (second child, registering an apartment). He went back to work and was twenty-five again, he told us maybe we could stay in a hotel and figure it out, he went to the dacha (he kept calling her all the time because she had total control, I called and called her back, she said if I come back, I want to come back without all this ), I went to his parents in the village (I have no one, my mother died, there was no one to consult with, and it was unthinkable to be within the walls, and the child is better off there) - I was overbearing. Meanwhile, he was pursuing her love, they decided to rent an apartment, they rented it in February, and in our area, he took only the essentials, over the phone he just asked if he needed a family? well, at first it was needed, but now it turns out not, have you thought about divorce? I don’t want to do this, but if you submit it, I won’t mind. A week later he came for us, tears came out at first; he told his parents that he didn’t know when he would arrive; stopped communicating with friends; at work, as I understand it, he also doesn’t discuss anything with anyone, but there’s nothing to it, he said that money was really tight for me, in short, it was so pathetic, I wanted to regret it, my behavior dear husband. The next day he came to let me go somewhere (since there is no one to leave the child with, I sit at home all the time, and even on breastfeeding) and again he was a stranger, so happy and carefree, I left all so beautiful, I came mysterious, he paid attention and said that Do you drink tea at the same time? Previously, we did everything together, called each other every day, waited for him after work at night, the child always fell asleep by this time, didn’t let him go during the weekend, it didn’t matter, but now before leaving he said, can I come and sleep with the child during the week? put her to bed, bathe her, she answered of course. And in general, after I left home, I didn’t sort out the relationship at all, I was waiting for a decision from him, but he was silent and that’s it, only I found out something on the phone, didn’t call him to talk about our future life anymore, and in general I understood that I won’t file for divorce, I’ll try to continue building my life, and then if I have time to come to my senses, he’ll come back. The question is: to fight or not? how to behave further, and what does he want? Did you choose the right tactics to return? Is this the end? I didn’t pack my things, didn’t give me the keys to either the apartment or the dacha (my property), I didn’t ask. By the way, a week ago he invited me to become a friend in his classmates, it’s completely crazy, why does he need a wife on a social network (especially since he also has her as a friend there, and all his relatives are there), and the main photo is of him with his child. In general, I am confused, please help me with advice, dear women, men, psychologists!
This happens quite often in families where both spouses are of so-called middle age - from thirty-five to forty-five. When they, peers, start a family in their youth, marrying for first or second love, both are completely satisfied with each other. But time goes by, children grow up, now silver wedding on the horizon - and suddenly the husband begins to glance at the “young people”. Is this always explained by the notorious truth “a devil in the side”? Not at all.
The middle-aged husband has other serious reasons behave this way. WITH sexual culture among the generation born in the forties and fifties of the last century, as we know, the situation is practically no different. Of course, this is not their fault, but a misfortune, but this does not make it any easier, first of all, for them. And when such mutual dissatisfaction, or rather, the inability to achieve harmony, accumulates over the course of fifteen to twenty years...
And by the end critical period Mutual reproaches and insults begin, sometimes for the most insignificant reasons. A woman's sexual dissatisfaction transforms into irritability. The wife reproaches her husband for “giving him her youth.” And in such living conditions, isn’t she right? And the husband has his own problems: the wife just screams, accuses, humiliates...
And in the period of forty to forty-five years, it is especially important for him to “feel like a man.” So the spouse begins to look at those who will not be too demanding of him." masculine qualities", - on young girls. And often they find someone who agrees to more than just sex... In such a situation, another family scandal becomes simply a reason for a man to leave the family.
And here the situation, as they say, “hangs”: in the vast majority of cases, a newly married couple does not register their relationship. Of course, at first there is a pronounced difference between them sexual attraction, but, as a rule, there is no psychological understanding. But it is simply impossible to live for a long time with a person who is alien in spirit. And then the young mistress, at first timidly, and then more and more actively, begins to search for a new partner. After all, legally she is free, and it’s better to run away from the previous man not to nowhere, but to the next one, isn’t it?
His mistress is now with a new partner, and he has nothing, since he once left everything to his wife. In most cases, a cheating husband still comes back sooner or later. However, if the wife returned him by force, then the situation in the family that led this husband to betrayal remains unchanged and may soon lead to his leaving his wife again. If he returns after a certain time, during which the relationship with his mistress freezes, then this is where the wife’s question arises: how to react to this? Show your feminine pride and not let you into the house or show your feminine pity and forgive? First of all, the wife in any such situation needs to remember: the husband, when he leaves for his mistress, does not do it out of a good life, and this mistress is not at all in seventh heaven, he has problems there too. And if he came back, first of all he needs help. Of course, if you still want him to stay with you. After all, there are actually not so many options for further relationships with the spouse who has returned to the bosom of the family. First of all - cardinal. You decided “not to forgive”, to separate completely, to separate, to exchange, to break all ties. We won’t talk much about why this option is bad. For whom is such a road acceptable? good hour. There's nothing scary about it. But there is another way out: to start everything completely from scratch. In particular, the wife should marry again... own husband. How can this be done realistically? At the very least, build your relationship with your husband not according to the “sick-nurse” scheme, but in the image and likeness of people trying to please each other. Flirt with ex-husband, slowly move towards rapprochement again, primarily psychological. Under the influence of flirting, you will both become younger, and both will have an incentive to live. Accept your returning husband as a new person. And most importantly, both of you do not scold each other for what has long passed. And remember: unfaithful, frivolous husbands change their mistresses easily, without destroying the family hearth. And, alas, only faithful spouses leave for another. And if such a spouse returns home, a reasonable wife has a real opportunity to make a happy one out of a tragic situation.
Once we worked in the same team with a pleasant, smart and attractive woman. Their family is friendly, wealthy, the kids are smart, everything is as in good fairy tale... And suddenly - her husband begins to cheat on her. It was some kind of nightmare. Apparently, she did not create scandals, but experienced everything within herself. Her face changed terribly - she aged 10 years. Her eyes were sunken, she herself became grey-green, a detached look... Well, judge for yourself - to live more than 20 years together, go through so many difficulties, raise and put children on their feet, and suddenly be left with nothing...
And then, apparently, her friend began to pull her out of this state, or maybe some other incident helped, I don’t remember... She instantly transformed. She changed her clothing style, began to visit salons more often, took up shaping, began going to theaters, exhibitions, general life She's got the key! And when fans appeared, she completely blossomed! The husband has returned. Things didn’t work out for him with his new passion, she accepted him. But I took it for quite a long time. He courted her for about a year!...
Here the psychology of men is incomprehensible to me? Why leave, tear the ends? You always need to think about what you might have to return. What kind of eyes should you come back with, and will they accept you, or maybe your place will already be taken?...
Alina Korzun 04/04/2015 469
When the father leaves the family, the child takes this "event" to heart. Often children's resentment persists on long years and the prodigal father does not receive the right to forgiveness.
This story will tell how a man experienced his father's betrayal - his leaving home - over many years. But when the grown-up child had children of his own, he realized that loved ones must be forgiven and the offense forgotten forever. Especially if we're talking about about father...
Memories from childhood
- Daughter, is that you? And not alone? Come in, come in, young man, now let’s have some tea, with mint, with thyme, the real thing, and not like these sawdust in boxes...
Kirill felt his heart beating loudly and distinctly in his chest, like a big bell. Did no one, except him, not hears?
– Please, have a seat! My name is Peter Vasilievich. How about you? You probably work with my Tanyusha, in the police? – the old man lit the gas and put an old pot-bellied enamel kettle on the stove.
...This is exactly what they once had in their communal apartment in the attic. And the room is at 6 square meters for four. When the cots were arranged at night, it turned out to be one big sleeping area for everyone.
But for some reason this didn’t annoy anyone. Even when a sobbing neighbor, Aunt Lisa, appeared in the middle of the night, whom her drunken husband liked to chase, Tanka simply rolled up to her mother’s side, and they laid out an old checkered blanket for the unfortunate fugitive, which smelled deliciously like an iron...
When did everything in their family go down the drain? Kirill suddenly thought with surprise: there weren’t even any scandals! Just one day there was silence in the house.
Cracks in parental relationships
My father came home from work, silently ate the dinner my mother had prepared, silently watched the news, and went to bed. He also did not spoil the children much with conversations. Only sometimes, during the holidays, when he took him on a flight - and dad was a great driver - the storyteller in him woke up, and Kirill then sat next to open mouth. It seems that he even fell asleep like that, and his father laughed at him later: didn’t a crow fly into his mouth in his dream?!
Perhaps it was because of these constant business trips that a crack appeared in parental relationships? Cyril, even when he grew up, was embarrassed to ask about it. His mother was special - beautiful, proud, smart... His neighbor, a big shot, chairman of the district executive committee, even called her to be his secretary.
But the father then cut him off: “No! I will work for two, and you stay at home and raise children!”
That's how she raised her. Little by little she turned into a housekeeper for her husband: doing laundry, going to the market, cooking... Lightly painting a wall here, quickly re-pasting the wallpaper here... They even stopped going on visits together.
“What to talk about with the housekeeper? About soups, or what?” - Kirill suddenly got angry in hindsight at his father.
Unexpected departure from family
And so it rolled along the well-trodden rut, until one day, having arrived home for the weekend from the institute, Kirill found a picture: his mother, with her hands dropped, sitting on the bed, her father silently packing things into a suitcase, and Tanka, their always cheerful Tanka, screaming like crazy : “Dad, what are you doing? Have you lost your mind in your old age to leave home? What will the neighbors say?
My father was already approaching sixty at the time, and according to the laws of their regional center, leaving home at that age, and even going to see a woman, was considered an indelible shame.
20-year-old Kirill then felt simply disgusted, and he stepped aside in disgust, freeing the passage. And Tanya ... Yes, you will probably never forget this. Tanya suddenly threw herself on the floor and lay across the door: “I won’t let you in!”
The father took the suitcase, tried to push his sobbing sister away, then simply stepped over her and stepped over the threshold, out of their lives.
"Will not forgive!" – Kirill thought then, looking at his hunched mother.
“How long has it been since that day? It's scary to think - 21 years old! My earring is already 18. And my mother has been gone for 5 whole years...”
Long-awaited forgiveness
Kirill leaned his back against the wall and looked at Tanka, who was busy at the stove. She was busily heating up the cutlets she had brought from home and at the same time scolding her father for not eating well: there were the chops lying around and the potatoes had not been eaten. She forgave him for everything a long time ago.
But Kirill couldn’t do it, he kept waiting for something, until today Tanka tenaciously grabbed his hand: “Are you stupid? He is still our father! Native blood! He has years, sores ... You better think about how many years he has not seen you. And Seryozha? Do you want them to remain strangers?!”
- Excuse me, what's your name? You still haven’t said…” the father forcibly broke away from the captious daughter.
"Dad, don't you recognize me?" – Kirill, the police major’s left eye (the old man guessed right!) suddenly began to tingle, like a seventh-grader about to burst into tears.
- Son?.. Kiryusha?..
And the whiskey is already gray ... Wow, I didn’t recognize it! – the father extended his hands to him, as if he wanted to hug him, but then awkwardly pulled them away and sat down heavily, like an old man, on a chair. - Forgive me, son ... If you can.
My nights are long now, like an old man’s, I’ve had enough time to understand how many mistakes I’ve made in my life. It's a shame it can't be fixed...
Resentment hidden in the soul has never made anyone happy, and no one is immune from mistakes... What then to do? Try to understand the person and forgive.
