Childish whims, tantrums and disobedience. Children's whims. Causes, ways to prevent and overcome

If you have a "little capricious" growing, here are a few rules for dealing with whims

The child, with his whims, brings you to the handle. As soon as the baby starts acting up, you cannot calm him down. When you raise your voice at your child or even spank you, you later start to regret. And you don't know what to do in this situation.

Children's whims - is it the norm?

Whims and hysterics are a manifestation of childhood. It’s just that some children are naughty more often, while others less often. This is very annoying for many parents, and some are patient and try not to pay attention. Believe me, it is difficult to meet an "angel" who has never thrown tantrums.

Why is the baby naughty?

A whim is a baby's behavior that is beyond our patience.

However, this does not mean that whims are a deviation from the norm. You may consider this behavior not normal, inadequate, but in essence there is nothing unusual in this. Of course, it happens that in fact the behavior of the child is abnormal, but more often parental patience goes beyond the norm.

Perhaps in your family, the behavior of the baby and your patience are normal, but your requirements for the baby are a little overstated. For some reason, the kid does not want or cannot perform them. Then the cycle begins, in which your disappointment is mixed, because the baby could not fulfill your requirements and defensive reaction child in the form of whims. In order for there to be mutual understanding between you in the future, you should not get angry and show anger, no matter how the baby makes you angry.

Think, perhaps you are making too high demands on the baby, which he is not able to fulfill due to his age. Maybe, long time you weren’t demanding of the baby, you felt sorry for him, and now you decided “in one fell swoop” to jump over your own mistakes in raising the baby.

Whims are not born, but become

Toddlers most often send their whims because their signals do not reach adults. This is because parents do not always understand the child, and he still does not know how to clearly express what he wants. He begins to act up, hoping that in this way his parents will hear him and understand his desires.

Whims begin to appear from birth. Adults ignore the needs of their child. Only when the child begins to cry loudly, parents notice that he needs something. And before that, the baby can toss and turn, groan as much as he wants - no one will approach him. Therefore, the baby begins to understand from an early age that if he wants to be heard, to learn about his needs, you need to shout as loudly as possible. Growing up, such children begin to understand why they waste time explaining their desires, because they will not be heard anyway, so they inadequately express their emotions in the form of whims.

The child grew up and, with the help of hysteria, learned to manipulate his parents. He understands that with tears and screams he can get whatever he wants. This behavior of the child discourages the parents, and they follow his lead. Some parents believe that if this is not immediately stopped, the child will manipulate them and suppress him from the very beginning. But extreme measures can be harmful. Of course, you should not indulge the whims of the baby, but you should not ignore his urgent needs.

The child must be taught to express his desires in a normal voice, and parents must listen to his requests. And persistent requests in raised tones, on the contrary, are best ignored. It would be much easier if the parents initially listened to the baby. But if this moment in education was missed, then the situation needs to be corrected gradually.

Every child has a desire to show off. All children love to experiment with the world around them, and parents are no exception. The kid is interested in how adults will react if he starts screaming and crying. And in this situation, there are three options for parental behavior. If the parents respond to the cry of the child in the same way, then the baby will come to the conclusion that he is allowed to communicate with his parents in a raised voice. If adults try to satisfy any request, the child will understand that the voice is a good tool for manipulation. And if the parents ignore and do not pay attention to his whims and offer him to think about whether he needs it, and if not, then explain why it is impossible. The kid will draw conclusions that not all of his desires will be instantly fulfilled, and in order to be heard it is not at all necessary to scream and cry.

The method is not a stick and a carrot, but kindness and understanding

Very often, the child's behavior depends on the situation (naughty because he wants to sleep, tired, lacks your attention), you can relieve tension by eliminating the cause. If whims for a child are effective method get what you want. The best thing to do is kiss the baby and tell him in a calm tone: "I understand why you are upset ... But this is not feasible, because ... Let's do it better ... ".

Don't expect the child to change right away, this tactic should be done consistently so you save mental strength yourself and your child.

It is worse if the mother could not restrain herself and begins to hiss the child, then, seeing tears in the eyes of her crumbs, she begins to ask for forgiveness and, in order to appease, offers much more than the baby originally demanded.

What you need to do so that the child is never capricious:

Try not to say the word "no" too often. And if you really set a ban, then explain the reason.
Ban only what is dangerous.
If you want the child to do something necessary, then explain to him the purpose and significance of this matter.
Try not to use force to force the baby to do what you want.

How to deal with whims:

Initially, stop tantrums and whims.
Do not give the baby the opportunity to "go in cycles" on a whim.
Ignore his whims.
Don't give in if you're sure you're right.
Tell your child that his inappropriate behavior is an uninteresting performance.
Try to divert attention with some joke.
Show your love.

It's not always a whim

You must understand that poor appetite, the child does not ask for a potty, cannot fall asleep or wake up in time, this is not a manifestation of character and a whim. Sometimes this can cause malaise or illness. You should also seek help from a specialist if the child has become too aggressive, there are unreasonable bouts of anger, he has become afraid of everything. Perhaps the baby has unreasonable tantrums: he stomps his feet, beats in hysterics on the floor, begins to turn blue. In this situation, you need to contact a psychotherapist.

Capricious behavior is a cause for concern for many moms and dads. Sometimes children begin to demonstrate stubbornness and disobedience from the very beginning. young years.

And how to react to children's tears, parents can not always understand. How can you tell if you're crying one year old baby because of something serious, or you are faced with another whim?

Let's find out where moodiness comes from and what parents need to do to stop tears and tantrums.

If such reactions appear regularly, adults begin to treat them as quite natural features early and preschool age. However, this opinion is erroneous. Babies are not born naughty.

main reason childish tantrum is the wrong approach to raising a child. And the younger he is, the more impulsive and unrestrained his behavior.

Baby whims: fact or fiction?

Children who have barely been born have no whims, as we understand them. Crying and tears that signal discomfort are not whims. To avoid problems, you need to make sure that:

dry baby;
not hungry;
he does not suffer from gas and colic;
the child is healthy;
you follow the schedule.

As we can see, the reasons for crying are quite reasonable and can be anticipated.

If the baby constantly reminds his parents of his inconvenience by screaming, then he may develop a habit in this way to achieve satisfaction. own needs. That is, constant negative emotions, becoming habitual, become a prerequisite for the appearance of whims.

Whims in children 1-2 years old: causes and features of manifestation

At the age of one year, babies experience the first age crisis in their life.

The reason for its appearance is the accumulation of certain knowledge and skills by the child. This situation calls for a transition to new stage relationship between parents and children.

A child of the second year of life begins to perceive himself as a separate person. He takes his first steps, begins to talk, which allows him to get to know the world in a new way.

However, this also leads to an increase in the number of whims. And often they are provoked by the parents themselves.

The kid tries to achieve by crying the satisfaction of any, even a fleeting desire, and mom and dad immediately fulfill them.

Soon, the crumbs form a not very pleasant habit - to achieve their requirements through tears and screams. Once established, this behavior becomes a trait of character.

Another manifestation of whims in the youngest children is undesirable perseverance.

For example, a child strives with all his might to take possession of an object that interests him. Numerous "don'ts" don't stop him. If adults remove a curious little thing higher, the baby tries to climb on the furniture, starts shouting “Give!” Usually it all ends in tears.

Of course, one should not exclude and completely natural causes the appearance of whims and tantrums - the state of children's health.

However, nothing brings relief to the child, and he begins to act up and whimper.

What to do if the child is naughty?

Even the most calm and obedient baby is sometimes naughty. And it can happen in early age. That's why parents need to know how to respond and how to deal with whims. What should adults do?

Learn to say "no". From a very young age, your child should know important words: "Stop", "No", "No". Of course, there cannot be very many of them, but their presence will help save the baby from constant whims. By the way, these phrases will become great helpers for children's discipline.
Try to calmly respond to screams. It should be remembered that stormy scenes are designed for the audience and sympathizers. Try to leave the naughty child alone, making sure he doesn't hurt himself, of course. When he is convinced that his cries do not bring desired result, the habit of being capricious will gradually disappear.
Make sure it's a whim and not an important need. If the baby calmly and reasonably (in accordance with age) explains why he needed this or that thing, then this is a need. Perhaps you should go to meet the crumbs and satisfy his desire.
Be consistent. In order to avoid the development of whims into full-fledged tantrums, agree with the household on uniform requirements and rules of education. If you forbid something today, be firm tomorrow, despite all the children's requests.
Do not Cry. Of course, screaming and crying can piss off the most emotionally resilient parent. Even if you are tired, try to restrain yourself and calmly carry on a conversation. Do not forget that you and only you are an example for your child.
Explain the reason for the refusal. The whims will subside if you tell the baby about the reason for the ban. Do not shrug off your child in annoyance if he asks for something. Even quite little man can understand why you will not buy this wonderful toy, if you calmly and clearly explain to him.
Provide choice. Agree that it is better to prevent whims than to fight them heroically later. For example, if you notice that your child refuses to wear a hat for a walk, then offer to choose: “Which hat do you want - yellow or green?” In this case, the child feels control over the situation and feels independent.
Play the conflict. Try not to subjugate the baby, but to beat the situation. For example, ask him for help: “Something I forgot how to brush my teeth. Please show me how to do it right." Usually, children do not miss the opportunity to teach something to their mother, and in the process of “studying” they themselves will brush their teeth.
Report a pleasant prospect. If the child categorically refuses to do something, talk about pleasant events who are expecting it soon. For example: "Dima, let's collect all your toys now, and then I will give you an album with paints so that you can draw a beautiful picture."

And how to respond to children's whims, if the baby not only does not calm down, but also begins to beat in hysterics?

Sit down next to the baby, look into his eyes. Try to find out what he wants - talking baby can already articulate their needs aloud.

If a tantrum has begun, hug the child, hold it tightly to you, speak softly and calmly.

Tries to hit you? Hold his hand, but don't push it away. Children need to hear their mother's voice and feel your support.

Should whims be punished?

First of all, decide what you mean by punishment.

Of course, you can’t beat with a belt, you can’t spank regularly. Physical influences will not lead to anything good.

On the contrary, violence will only aggravate children's behavior, besides, the baby will accumulate resentment against you.

As we wrote above, the most effective way, helping to wean children from whims - to deprive your attention when the child behaves badly, and give him more time when he is obedient and communicates with you and his peers with joy and pleasure.

In order to understand how to react and deal with the capriciousness of your child, you should firmly understand: children's whims and tantrums do not appear from scratch.

They have good reasons, and the wrong parental reaction only supports and reinforces them.

Refresh your memory age features baby, establish and follow the daily routine, develop uniform requirements for the child, find the golden mean between excess and lack of attention. And, of course, love your child and treat with understanding his psychological characteristics.

Other related information

Neuropsychic development of children in the first year of life (Part 3)
Attention impairment in children with hyperactivity
Syndrome of early childhood nervousness. What it is?

How to bring the child out of this state?

Children's crying, children's whims - especially if they are frequent - are a serious test of parental nerves and patience. Hard to bear, right? Stop ... Let's stop just on the fact that they are difficult to bear, There is something to think about.

Call for help

Watch carefully for your own reaction to crying. Even if not very loud, it is surprisingly annoying. Ask others and make sure that the same oddity - the reaction is very heightened. Disproportionate to the event itself, disproportionate to the "sound effect" of crying. On the street, for example, paid attention? - our ear surprisingly clearly snatches out crying from the chaos of sounds. Many noises are almost inaudible, although quite loud. Crying is always. Here we clearly have some selectivity.

And how hard it is to endure crying for a long time. Torture, flour for the majority. How many times have I heard from women that they simply cannot stand baby crying Men, however, are calmer, but it is interesting to note that their reaction is of a different direction. In women, the desire to go to the child, to do something to stop screaming. For many men, take their legs away to get rid of the irritant. And at the same time, we adapt better to all kinds of other noises. Even much more noise, for example, the operation of some device, does not infuriate you so much. For days, years, people work in production, where all sorts of rumbles and clanks cannot be compared with the noise from a child. And they get used to it so much that they don't notice. They fade gradually, the roar is so strong, but they don’t notice, if we talk about the reaction nervous system. And imagine if they had to work for days amidst children's crying. Would not be deaf - you can vouch for it. But they would have gone crazy for sure. It hits the nerves very hard - that's the point. And therein lies the meaning, which is worth thinking about.

Why does it hit? Because it is a wake-up call for a human being. Baby signal. And it is precisely as such that we perceive it - consciously, and more often unconsciously. That is why we snatch it so sensitively from the cacophony of sounds. Those who react to crying excitedly, "going crazy" - whether they want to get closer to the child or move away from him - are not plagued by noise. They rather - unconsciously - strive to throw off nervous tension, which naturally arises when this signal is heard: "I feel bad, help me, help me."

Yes, our excited reaction is the order of nature. Order to respond, to help. A purely biological motive probably works here. And there are two ways to overcome and neutralize the pressure of the order. The first, organic, is to really help. Have you ever noticed how relieved you feel when you come to the aid of a child and manage to calm down (your own, someone else's - it doesn't matter)? Immediately pleasant and easy.

But there is another way to get rid of the pressure of the order. Bad, but also usable. This is to set yourself up against the call for help, or rather against the caller, and on this basis, do nothing. Hence our so frequent outbursts of indignation by weeping. Resentment is the "justification" for refusing to help. Actually, here is the most common trick that our psyche throws out. Here, let's say, you are to blame for the person. How to muffle unpleasant experiences, feelings of guilt, “pangs of conscience”, as they once said? Of course, the best thing to do is to make amends. But what do we often do? Instead, we involuntarily begin to turn against him. It is not clear why, but he begins to annoy and resent us. More and more we hate him. And, thus inventing it " bad image We free ourselves from feelings of guilt. From the need to do something to resolve the relationship. After all, in fact, why feel guilty before a bad person? He's not worth it. Our psyche, therefore, activated the mechanism of neutralization of conscience. And with anger at the child for crying, with the desire to escape from the roaring - the same story. This also triggers a mechanism for neutralizing conscience.

True, there is some apology for those who are turned on by crying. I want to clarify that the reason does not always lie in a hidden desire to get rid of the need to help. Sometimes elders fall into a paroxysm of irritation because they feel cornered. In fact, they tried to calm them down - nothing came of it. Nature has endowed the mother with the obligation to take more care of the little one, and accordingly endowed her with greater patience. The father of such security got less, and therefore he explodes more often. Mom, of course, can also explode, how. But less able to go to extremes. I certainly know several cases - the men themselves told - when an enraged dad threw a baby into bed and ran away from home. In my opinion, the mother is almost not capable of this.

However, later, when the baby turns into a walking, running, talking baby, the mother often also goes to extremes. Apparently, the instinct of "saving" the child from injury is silent. Now you can spank safely.

But it's not just about safety. When a child becomes three, four, five years old, parents gradually develop the belief that the child is already old enough, thinks well, gives a full account of many of his actions, and therefore he must be asked tougher and punished more severely if he does not do something. . For he already understands “what is good, what is bad,” and when he behaves in a wrong way, it is quite conscious. For which he deserves harsh treatment. This is approximately the logic that frees parents from the initial purely careful, careful attitude towards the baby.

It also leads to the emergence of a real prejudice against him - that prejudice, which is denoted by the concept of "whim". This word, when used in relation to children, I have learned to hate with all my heart. It fixes in our minds a false, unfair assessment child behavior. Slander on children.

Children do not have whims at all.

Do not agree? Let's get in Once again Let's do some self-analysis. Let's delve into ourselves, instead of passing sentences on children. What is a whim? What meaning do we put in this word? Approximately this: this is a demand, a desire of a person, which, as he is well aware, is impossible, trifling, unnecessary, “not on business”, but on which, out of stubbornness, “just like that”, he nonetheless insists. That's about the essence of the caprice. And naturally, in relation to a capricious person, we to some extent have the right to be irritated. He perfectly understands that he annoys us, that is, he does everything almost on purpose; to make life difficult for us. We have every reason to be harsh towards him.

It is this sense of the term "caprice" that we have in mind when we blame small children. A very convenient concept for us, which automatically removes all the blame for the current situation from us and places it on the child. It is worth saying "naughty" - and the problem of what to do has already been solved. We must punish, we must resist. IN best case- ignore. I think that's why the word "be capricious" is used so often that it terribly alleviates the position of the elders. Magic word, by God. Only not a good wizard invented.

Is it possible to assume that in children under the age of five - yes, even ten - years, such a desire to harass others is known? Deliberately teasing? Well, maybe there are such isolated cases - I have never come across - but in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred there is no and no. The fact of the matter is that the child is always serious in his demands, wants and unwillingnesses. It is we who, looking from our belfry, see how empty or impracticable they are at times. But he doesn't see anything! This is the same lawless and absurd investment in it of our, adult understanding of the situation, which has already been mentioned.

So, there are no whims in children. And it is simply amazing to what extent many of us are stubbornly hypnotized by this concept. I do not want to say that there are few truly sensitive moms and dads. There are many of them: refusing to see in many episodes of children's obstinacy, children's crying whims. Not experiencing any desire to punish children for this. But to generalize one's own "empirical" attitude - this rarely happens.

The power of desire

And one more circumstance should be taken into account when we think about the causes of children's tears. And also about the reasons for this stubbornness of children in their desires, which irritates us so much. Their persistence over trifles (of course, from our point of view, trifles) and, accordingly, the persistence of whims. Do you know what we are missing here? The difference between us and children is in the power of desire. The child here is very different from you and me. The kids want everything. Unbridled strong. The way we rarely want to. Just like we learned to want. Only very few of us have somehow retained the ability to want in a childish way - with our whole being. And it's hard to say whether it's for the best that they kept it. Because our adulthood although sometimes it rewards for the power of desires, it often and most severely punishes for it. It is no coincidence that most of us have a trained ability to desire not very much. With an eye. Willingly endure non-fulfillment of desire relatively calmly. In general, we have learned to put an end to many of our aspirations, even if they are the most tempting for us. Yes, we somehow lose sight of the path that we are making in terms of lowering the power of desires, as the young age goes further and further away from us. Forget about this evolution. And here it is absolutely necessary to remember it. Because children desire with all their hearts, and failure to fulfill desires is perceived by them much more acutely than by us. This is where the “tears for nothing” come from. Hence the whims. If we wished like children, as we ourselves once wished, we would also roar into three streams.

But again, the question arises - what to do? From what has been said above, it follows that in general, apparently, nothing needs to be done? Since the child cries justifiably, stubbornly justified, therefore, it is impossible to touch him? So what then? He roars, he desperately doesn’t want something, he desperately wants something, and you should just be present at the same time? To do what?

How to get him out of this state?

First of all - reasoning, then practical advice. Reasoning of this kind: we have a pedagogical area that is either neglected, or for some reason little gets into the spotlight. We write a lot, think about what is good in relation to children, what is bad, what goals should be, what are not. Much less - about the parent "technique". Parents should be equipped with a real set of techniques to help get out of all sorts of difficulties in communicating with children. It is very important to be "technically" prepared. For example, when my daughters were small, I desperately needed such technology. I understood perfectly well that there should be some kind of trick that helps to persuade, dissuade, prove to the child, but what is he like right now? You can’t invent it quickly, especially when you are in a “wound up” state. I think that a lot of parents feel this lack of arms, helplessness. Here the science of pedagogy should help us more than it helps. But while there is no such help or it is not enough, I would like to advise dads and moms - keep in mind that you should come up with these tricks. Develop a stock of methods that will be useful in certain situations. All of us - or almost all of us - spontaneously do this. But just spontaneously, from case to case. And you need to turn it into a system, consciously and systematically accumulating the technology of communication in yourself. Even the best-intentioned parent, even the one who loves his child more than anything in the world and is ready to do anything for him, has little to give. useful to the child Might not get along with it good contact, if he does not own this very technique of communication.

So here's one trick I've come up with. Actually, I did not develop it, it is known to the whole world and is used by millions of people. But often primitive, and therefore gives little return. You just need to use it more inventively, “smarter” to use it, then it will become effective.

Reception is a distraction. Switching attention. The child has the ability to switch attention without a trace, quickly forgetting what interested him five minutes ago. This ability of his is just a gift of fate for the elders. You can use it unlimitedly and with excellent results. Meanwhile, many fathers and mothers do not honor him. not recognized for effective remedy. And all because of inept use. Well, let's say a child is crying because they had to return someone else's toy that they liked. And so, trying to calm him down, mom, dad, grandmother say this: “well, look what a girl”, “well, look what a boy”, “and look, what a car is driving”. And similar variants of the same idea. The idea, of course, is a good one - so that he looks there, becomes interested and forgets about the cause of grief. But what a performance! The child is small, but childish mind quite enough to figure out what the essence of a simple maneuver is. The point, of course, is to divert attention. He perfectly understands what the plan is, sees in it a “foul game”, an attempt to trick him into forgetting, and naturally resists such a dirty trick. How many times have I been present at the performance “out, what a boy” and invariably heard that the baby’s roar only doubled. A natural response to deceit. Legitimate resentment. Roared with more greater strength- and here the fantasy of the elders is exhausted. Not being able to provide the reception with a more interesting direction, they begin to look for some other methods and often end up with the same explosion of irritation.

Here is the case when parents are simply not at the level of children. Exactly. Distraction requires more in-depth development and, if you like, a bit of psychological fantasy. The first rule - do not start the distraction with the child. Start with yourself. You need to mask the fact that you are distracting him. Because as soon as he guesses, he will immediately figure out why you are doing this. So, not “what a girl is”, but you yourself are chained to something, as if completely forgetting about the child. You become chained and start talking to yourself aloud, also showing in a tone that it is with yourself, and not for the child. Well, something like: “Look how interesting. What kind of thing was there. What I unexpectedly found. What kind of animal is sitting there? Etc. The second rule is to try hard so that the subject of distraction deserves it. So that it would not be a tired "girl" or "boy", but something really unexpected. When my children were at that age that the problem of distraction was acute, I took with me for a walk a “distracting stock” - a jewelry ring, a box of matches with some kind of nut inside, a ball, beautiful pencil. Let's say, a tearful nagging begins - I take the ring out of my pocket and look at it intently. I look at it and say to myself in surprise: “Well, the ringlet. I remember exactly - I left the house, the pebble was blue. Now red. Wait a minute, girls, I'll call my mother on the machine - was it blue or red? I go to the booth, imitate a conversation - "it really was blue." I imitate complete amazement and ask one roaring: “Come on, Natasha, put it in your pocket for a minute, then pull it out - maybe it will turn blue again? Maybe it's because of the pocket? Through tears reluctantly puts. Pulled out - red again. "Miracles. I'm going to call again." I'm calling. “Mom says I must have lost her ring. Well, I will be at home. Girls, do you remember the road you walked? Let's go and watch. Maybe it's actually lying on the ground? They wander reluctantly and are gradually distracted. They start looking. The goal has been reached.

True, once I got a lesson, underestimating the vigilance of children in terms of such practical jokes. Believing too much that I could distract attention, I repeated the same prank a second time with the same object (a piece of resin in matchbox) and with the same plot (say, a beetle crawled out somewhere, which was along with the resin). And although the “distance” between the pranks was about three months, it turned out that the children perfectly remembered the first case, instantly recognized my trick, understood the meaning, and everything fell apart. Not only did it not work, then it became more difficult to distract. Some kind of particularly careful directing was required to come out. In general, he complicated his life with arrogance.

What else can be done in the fight against baby crying?

A don't call him- that's all. After all, we ourselves often push children to cry, to whims. Own unreasonableness, senselessness of requirements to it. Honestly, half of the cases of children's roars are our direct merit. We have a reflex of prohibition. We forbid right and left, without thinking whether it is necessary or not. Some elders just have some kind of itch - they see their important educational function in order to tell the child more often “you can’t”, “don’t touch”, “don’t do”, “don’t go”. They obviously have such an idea that by doing so they bring great benefits to the baby, instructing him on the true path, teaching him the mind. In fact, there is pedagogical savagery, and nothing more. The child wanted to spit on all these boring, unreasonable (in his eyes) “do not go”, “do not touch”. He does not learn anything, at best he ignores, at worst he is annoyed. I want to give an example of such a reflexive, stupid prohibition, which I have observed many times. An adult sits with a child on his lap in the subway. The baby is uncomfortable and uninteresting to sit. Wants to walk around the wagon. The fight begins. “It’s impossible, you see everyone is sitting quietly, you’re the only one talking” (so what if he’s the only one talking? Others don’t want to walk, he wants to). Further, the argument is stronger: “the car will twitch, you will fall”, again the argument does not work - you can’t intimidate a child with a fall, he falls constantly). The fight continues, often ending with the baby crying. What is all this for? If he wants to walk, let him walk. Is he going to climb into the hole, or what? Are you afraid it will fall? But, firstly, babies often fall and are so arranged that for them it goes almost without consequences. Secondly, if you are so afraid, go with him. So no, you have to refuse to a roar, and then with righteous indignation say: “I won’t go to the subway with you anymore. You don't know how to behave."

What else helps with crying? Need more know how not to fight. It's probably as important as knowing right tricks. There is a whole clip of worthless means of influence, which, meanwhile, are widely used. There is no effect, the effect is the opposite, but they are applied. I suppose, again, because of habit: we heard that someone tried to reason in this way, and, without arguing much, we follow the example.

This technique is associated with shame for crying. This is really useless technology. I don’t know, maybe others have seen it, but I personally have never seen this technique help (you know, these: “you are already big”, “they are looking at you”, “shame on you”, “no one is crying, you you cry alone”, “people will say: such good boy, but a roar"). On the contrary, I saw how the crying intensified. And I think it's completely justified. Why? Because that's probably the only way it's supposed to work. Do we understand that when we shame a crying person, we only add to the experience? It’s not easy for him if he cries, and you also report that they look at him with reproach, that he should be ashamed. And then you expect him to feel better? What will comfort and calm? Why, this is about the same as if a doctor began to treat your headache that would add pain to the leg. Would you feel better? The kid expects reassurance from you, and you, under the guise of reassurance, pour salt on his wounds. Sympathy or distraction is what is required. And it’s absolutely disgusting when parents have nothing but threats of punishment for crying. This is an absolutely amazing reaction. Why punish something? Why threaten, spank, pull? Naturally, after such “therapy”, crying invariably becomes louder. The child is waiting for comfort from you. And the intensification of crying is not caused by pain from a blow, but rather by a feeling of bitter resentment that not sympathy, but hostility comes from the elder. The child immediately feels completely alone, abandoned in this world. There is no one to lean against in grief, since mom or dad is against you. Even an adult feels bad when the feeling comes over him that there is no one to lean against - let alone a child!

Why this cruelty? Perhaps the parents are ashamed crying baby when it happens on people. They say that it draws everyone's attention to itself, interferes with others with its noise - it is necessary to calm down by any means as soon as possible. And they seize on the most extreme means, which under other circumstances they would not use. I suppose so, because I myself felt the unpleasant pressure of shame for the children when they cried in public. I perfectly felt this inner impulse to calm them down as soon as possible. And how he encourages to get angry and nervous is also familiar to me. And you don't want to be cruel, but you become. Against the will, against the usual behavior. But still, you need to fight this feeling. Moreover, if you think about it, it is false. It's more self-indulgence than correct assessment the reactions of others. Firstly, women from among those around them, hearing crying, are more likely not indignant, but sympathetic. And pity the children. That's why they are women. So you already have allies. Men may be annoyed (some people are not), but still, most often they will not openly express it. And because they also understand the situation, and because they have such a masculine: “we are above these squeaks” (although at home they are by no means above). Well, if you already come across a grumbler or grumbler in the crowd, ignore them with a clear conscience. They do not like children or do not know how to love. And there is nothing to consider with them. After all, they should be ashamed of their behavior, not you for your situation.

How to respond to children's whims?

- Do not give up positions, stay steadfast, but do not shout.

From your screams, the screams or crying of the baby will only intensify.

“Sometimes you have to step back from circumstances.” and not pay attention to the fact that they are looking at you: if, for example, the conflict took place on the street.

- If the child insists on his request and, in your opinion, this request, in principle, is not entirely unfulfillable, instead of countering the child’s desire with a firm and unshakable “no”, you can promise that you will do what he asks later.

- Think about whether there is some other reason behind this whim, other than the desire to have this or that. Perhaps whims for a child are just an excuse to express grief for a completely different reason. It often happens that purely emotional demands are hidden behind material demands.

- If a child demands to buy him a toy or candy in a store, sometimes you can prevent a scandal by switching the baby's attention to another object, more, as you think, suitable for his age.

“But this does not mean at all that, in an effort to quickly get out of the conflict, you should always offer your son or daughter some option to satisfy his (her) request: such a behavior model will teach the child to extract secondary benefits by whims **.

"No" is a perfect phrase!

When a child begins to act up, you - just like during his attacks of rage - useful to step aside and not enter into resonance with your son or daughter***.

A firm and calm “no” is much more effective than a forced “no” that is the result of the threat of settling scores in the future.

- Conflicts of this kind should be resolved immediately, and when everything is over, do not remind the child of them.

- And vice versa, if your child behaved correctly, you can praise him: the opportunity to get out of the conflict with a sense of being right is always necessary!

Having gone through a difficult period of opposition, disobedience and whims, your child from four to five years begins to grow up: now he is capricious much less often and these whims are much easier to cope with.

* The principle of pleasure - the dominant, according to Freud, the principle of regulation mental activity, according to which the basis of human behavior with early childhood lies the unconscious desire to enjoy and avoid displeasure. As the main opposing force, Freud considered the principle of reality, which is expressed in taking into account real conditions and opportunities to satisfy desire.

** Secondary benefit - a term in psychoanalysis that denotes an unconsciously motivated desire to take advantage (benefit) from neurotic symptoms or illness.

*** The term "emotional resonance" in psychology refers to the way in which an emotion arises as a response to other people's experiences.