Tactile contact in the family. Touch (tactile contact)

Everyone enjoys being noticed. Tactile contact is an integral part of any close interaction. Of course, business relationships are unlikely to imply strong hugs, but friendly meetings, as a rule, cannot do without them. Each person, one way or another, wants to feel needed, in demand and understood.

Tactile-visual contact helps build trust between partners, teaches them to be condescending and attentive. Only by looking into the eyes of the interlocutor, you can fully ascertain what feelings he is actually experiencing.

The essence of the concept

Tactile contact is special form interaction in which effective communication between people. Agree that it is much easier to convey some important thought to a person if you touch him. It is very pleasant for any of us to be appreciated, to express our feelings with the help of strong handshakes.

What does tactile contact? Most often, with its help, people express their emotions aimed at a specific interlocutor. The desire to take by the hand, to stroke is connected with the need for understanding, which we all need so much. If a person is absolutely indifferent to another, then he will never, under any pretext, touch him. Closed people, as a rule, avoid tactile contact and are afraid to show it.

Feeling safe

Look at the woman holding the baby in her arms. She just glows with happiness! She is not afraid of any obstacles, she is not afraid of the prospect of losing individual prospects. A mother always sacrifices something for her baby: work, time, relationships with friends.

In the arms of the mother, the baby feels protected from all adversity. Her tender palms will lull him, caress him. It is tactile contact that provides the child with a sense of security from everything in the world. This is the most powerful weapon in the world against any antisocial acts. It has been noticed that many illegal acts are committed only because no one cared about such individuals in childhood. Mother's love creates the child's soul, forms his trust in the whole world around him.

If a mother does not devote enough time and attention to her offspring, then there is a great chance of forming a person who is unsociable, aggressive or withdrawn. No one can replace a mother's love for her child. One can only guess how lonely and unwanted orphans feel.

Manifestation of love

When we touch another person, it is as if we are saying to him: “I care about you.” The one who loves, necessarily strives to show his affection not only in words. How can you express your feelings? A look or a touch. The tactile contact of a man and a woman implies a deep feeling of each other at all levels. Sometimes it is enough to look into the eyes and say a kind word, otherwise only gentle handling and tactile warmth will help. We all want to feel loved and cared for.

Expression of confidence

In fact, we only allow ourselves to be touched by people we can fully trust. And this is by no means accidental. This is how our psychology works. Tactile contact is a very important and significant thing in everyone's life, so it should not be avoided or tried to be repelled. There are people who really do not like to hug, even with loved ones. Such manifestations indicate just that in their life not everything is so smooth, there are internal problems and contradictions in interaction.

Trust is expressed through free tactile touches, strokes. To take a person by the hand means to show special warmth to him, intimacy, desire to help. If we want to comfort a friend or relative, we hug them. And this almost always has a positive effect on a person, allows him to calm down. The fact is that hugs open the heart, help restore intimacy, trust, if for some reason they were lost.

Relationships between spouses

The interaction of husband and wife is a special moment that causes many different disputes. Family conflicts- the strongest in impact. It is believed that it is in relations with the most dear people we go through important life lessons, without which our personality would not be fully realized. After all, no one can be happy alone. It always requires the participation of a partner, the presence of a deep relationship with him. And here you can not do without tactile contact.

Spouses like no one else know each other. It's not just about individual character, manners, habits. Each of us has our own weaknesses, ailments, and then being near loved one can affect our state and attitude.

Sexual interaction

Tactile contact with a man without fail includes touch. When two people decide to dedicate their lives to each other, over time they know well what their partner likes and know how to guess his mood. Physical intimacy is impossible without a huge sense of trust in relation to the spouse. Both men and women need the same sincere love. But not everyone, unfortunately, knows how to properly express their emotions. Everyone wants to feel important and loved.

Rescue from stress

When you come home after a whole labor day so nice to know what's waiting for you loving family. A hot dinner, a manifestation of attention and care - that's what a partner is waiting for. With the help of tactile contact, you can get rid of stress, find peace of mind, relieve yourself of the burden of problems and fatigue. Nothing invigorates a person so much as the realization that someone needs him, his opinion is valuable in itself and important.

Tactile contact is a real salvation from stress. When we touch a person, he always feels how important he is in our life. Even the relationship of friends and girlfriends can be very close if there is a place for mutual hugs and pats on the back. Sometimes colossal support is required, and here tactile contact is clearly indispensable. The more emotions we learn to show in life, the easier it will be for us to build interaction with other people.

Nobody likes cold and indifferent people for whom to say an extra word is a problem. Everyone wants to feel a certain support and protection from those who are constantly nearby. Any relationship is built on mutual trust and common interests. It is hard to imagine that friends will endure a nervous, quick-tempered person next to them, from whom only troubles come.

Instead of a conclusion

Tactile contact is present in almost all forms interpersonal interaction. The deeper and better relationship between people, the more in their communication there are handshakes, hugs and a completely conscious intention to be next to each other. Often, self-confidence is formed in a person directly under the influence of how significant he feels in the company of relatives, friends, colleagues and, of course, family. Happiness depends on the circumstance that allows the individual to fully express his feelings.

We present the seventeenth edition of our new project: a mini-interview with a psychotherapist "Ask Dr. Naritsyn". An explanatory post about what it is, as well as for receiving questions from readers, is located.
A - plans for the next calculations.

The topic of today's issue is "Tactile contact and kinesthetics". Questions asked by the user cinober .

N.N.:- Speaking of physical contact, it is important to remember that this way of interaction is typical for many pack animals. As a rule, it serves to additionally confirm the "belonging of the individual to the pack." In animals that have freed forelimbs, physical contact can be especially important: for example, mutual grooming is often used as a sign of trust and closeness.

And on the other hand, if we talk about physical contact from the position not of society (flock), but of the individual, then such contact is almost always, oddly enough, a kind of antonym of freedom and the preservation of personal boundaries. What's more, for many animals, physical contact sometimes means they're about to be eaten. That is why it is so important that tactile communication is equally pleasant for both parties, and neither side perceives it as violence, restriction of freedom or unauthorized encroachment on personal boundaries. Because physical contact can be confirmation psychological intimacy people, but - pay attention! - not its replacement and not its beginning. Therefore, it is important that during physical contact, as they say, "there is something to confirm." By the way, you can easily see that the attitude to tactile contacts is not only different for different people, and even differently in relation to different people around. For example, you let one person into your house, and another - for nothing; in the same way, sometimes you really want to let someone into personal boundaries, but categorically not for someone. And yet, speaking of physical contact, one should clarify this subtlety: such contacts are very different. Here, for example, take by the hand - physical contact? Undoubtedly. Hug? Kiss? Tickle? Give in the ear? Does it hurt to pull your hair? Unscrew a button from a jacket? And so on and so forth.

One of the rather difficult cases of disharmony in a relationship is a situation where partners have different need in tactile contact. Therefore, it is desirable before starting life together discuss, among other things, the need of each of the partners in non-verbal communication. But we will touch on this issue in more detail below.

- Are there people who do not feel the need for tactile contact or feel a negligible need? And if they do, how often and are there any types to which this is most characteristic? Are there signs by which you can calculate that a person does not like physical contact, and is not shy?

N.N.:- Of course, there are such people: at least due to the high variability human characters and personality structures. But in this case, it is probably worth talking not so much about the types of "loving or not loving physical contact", but about situations and specific relationships. Because, as mentioned above, often the attitude towards physical contact depends on the degree of closeness of the relationship of specific people.

Yes, it also happens that a person has a need for tactile communication higher, someone - lower: it may depend on many factors. For example, on whether a city dweller is a person or a villager, on the specifics of education and traditions in parental family, from character traits, from possible psychotraumas in relation to tactile communication, etc. and so on. And the most difficult thing is that not a single person, roughly speaking, has it immediately written on his forehead whether he likes tactile contacts or not. Therefore, within the framework of ordinary formal politeness, it is customary to a priori consider physical contact as a way of communication for already fairly close people, and not for those who have just met. That is, by default - do not impose any tactile touches on the interlocutor outside the framework of formally accepted communication (for example, the same handshake). And the less formal your relationship with a person is, the more intimate your physical contact can be.

And regarding the question "How to figure out that a person doesn't like physical contact" - if you put your fingers on it, then it's very easy to calculate: if you use tactile communication in relation to this person, it means that de facto you are already close enough to ask him this question verbally. And if your proximity is not enough for this, then for the time being it is better not to impose physical contact on him beyond generally accepted norms courtesy.

- Is it true that there are often people who want physical contact, but are afraid, and in addition to this they also have intimophobia (that is, fear of any close relationship, not sex and not marriage). How to understand that such a character is in front of you?

N.N.:- If you are afraid of the presence of intimophobia in the character of a person in the understanding you have stated, if this becomes relevant to you, then you intend to build one or another close relationship with him. Because if such a relationship with someone is irrelevant to you, then theoretically it will not matter to you whether he has intimophobia or not. So, at the stage of building close relationships, you can also either "ask in words" or observe reactions. And if you take all sorts of steps to establish psychological intimacy, but this is what provokes your partner (partner) not to get close to you, but rather move away from you, then there is a high probability that the person has intimophobia. Although there is also a certain percentage of probability that for some reason he (she) does not intend to build a close relationship specifically with you. But be that as it may, I suppose the reason is not so important here. You go towards a person - he moves away from you. This is his decision, and sometimes it is not so important what caused it.

- Do people with a frustrated need for physical contact really enjoy petting cats, dogs, and anyone else who doesn't run away or bite? And is big love petting cats as a sign that the character likes petting people too?

N.N.:- I had to meet the point of view of ethologists that people are descended from monkeys, monkeys have hair and therefore it is so pleasant for people to touch everything woolen and fluffy. Anyway, I don't think it's that simple here; and the love of stroking cats and dogs, I guess, does not always mean a frustrated need for physical contact. At least because stroking animals and people is not the same thing. In addition, it often happens that a person likes to stroke some dogs or cats, but not others. Here, too, everything is very selective.

- How many kinesthetics are there in the world, how often does this defect occur in men and women? How to understand if your "appetites" fit within the normal range, or are you just a kinesthetic? :)

N.N.:- Here, for starters, as they say, let's drink to the accuracy of the wording. The division of all people according to the mode of their preferred channel of perception - into auditory, visual and kinesthetic - refers to only one psychological theory: to be honest, it is doubtful in relation to one hundred percent division of all people into these three groups. But even if you consider yourself a kinesthetic - in the first place, who told you that this is a defect? Touch is the same sense as sight, and hearing, and all the rest; and kinesthetic, if we speak in this language, the same variant of the norm as auditory and visual. Second, don't confuse tactile way obtaining information about the world around with the need for physical contact. And thirdly, regarding physical contact, everything that both adults and able-bodied people like will be a variant of the norm.

I would venture to suggest: you think that you have "an abnormally increased need for physical contact with the interlocutor", and you decided that you are a kinesthetic and this is such a defect. If only because for this need you have already received negative reviews more than once. However, the attraction to tactile contact may not be caused at all by the “preferred way of perceiving the world”, but, for example, by some kind of internal anxiety, or a lack of tactile impressions in childhood, or some other unconscious problem that is completely corrected (if it bothers you adequately exist, communicate, etc.). And there is no need to label yourself "I am a kinesthetic and therefore I am defective."

- Can a cunning kinesthetic person make a partner also like hugs / strokes / other touches in order to use him for his dirty purposes? :) Or do you need to immediately look for your own kind? Is it possible to reduce own need in tactile contact and how?

N.N.:- Here, most likely, at the beginning of the question, we have the opportunity to communicate with your inner Parent (according to Eric Berne). This Parent has already made an assessment of kinesthetics - that he is insidious, and defined the goals as dirty (smiley smiley, but there is some truth in every joke). This is a very common Parental reaction: "You get in trouble from someone - you misbehave - you are bad." And then it runs into a dead end, because it does not imply any further development, except perhaps a sense of guilt. Therefore, one of critical actions in self-analysis of any problem, it is to get out of the pressure of the Parent, start to reason from the position of the Adult - analytically, prognostic, balanced - and not to offend your inner Child: feelings, emotions, unconscious needs (including your personal need for tactile contact). Alas, it is not always easy to do such an analysis on your own: but here a counseling psychotherapist can be useful.

And as for the question "How to make your partner like hugs, stroking and other touches" - it's not easy, but it's theoretically possible. First of all, it is important to be patient, not to rush, not to push your partner. Move towards each other gradually, focusing not on tactile contact as such, but on creating the actual psychological closeness in itself and at the same time showing respect for the personal boundaries of the partner. In general, there is such a correlation: the more a person’s personal boundaries were violated in childhood, the less he was able to protect them - the more jealously he guards them in childhood. adulthood, and the less willingly lets other people in. And he usually makes exceptions for the person who will become a close and trusted person for him. And the more you respect his personal boundaries as such a person, the more trust in you will gradually appear.

Scientists assure that tactile sensations, that is, touch, are a biological human need and play a significant role in the formation of affection and love in a person.

This is the most direct way of emotional influence, which affects the healthy development of each organism, only with age it manifests itself less and less.

What is tactile sensation

As you know, five human feelings allow us to perceive the world in all its diversity, and one of them is touch (tactile sense), thanks to which a person feels touch, vibration, pressure, pain, temperature.

And this is due to the work of the nerve endings of the skin. Nerve endings are distributed throughout the skin, but most tactile sensitivity possess the tips of the fingers and toes, the tip of the tongue. Less sensitive skin of the back, abdomen, outside forearms.

Tactile touch for humans is in the most important way communication and communication. Small child, having not yet mastered other types of communication, speaks with adults, the language of tactile touch.

With frequent tactile communication with the child, the prerequisites for his psychological health are laid. Experts believe that by touching a child, parents convey their emotional condition peace, joy, love. Unfortunately, with age, all feelings become dull.

Types of tactile sensations:

1. In society, touch is used as a means of communication, they are regulated by social norms, the development of culture. There are touches that are ritual in nature, they are conditioned social development society. In some cultures, kisses on the shoulders (in India), kisses on the forehead and cheeks (in Russia and Europe), touching noses (on some islands of the Indian Ocean) are used.
2. Another type of tactile touch is associated with professional activities. Hairdressers, doctors, sports trainers, one way or another, touch other people, performing their functional duties.
3. And there is another kind of touch that is personal, intimate nature, in relationships between people who are in close family relationships.

Interesting studies were conducted by American scientists who showed that men and women touch each other with the same frequency, but there are differences in the age factor.

• Before the age of 30, men are more likely to resort to tactile contact than women.
• After 50 years, the touch initiative is taken over by women.

Studies have shown that men like to touch their hands, while women prefer to touch their hands.

How men and women react to touch

Different reactions of men and women to touch, depending on social conditions and own status.

☻ A study was conducted in one of the libraries in America. The employees are given the task of either touching or not touching the hands of the students who take the books.

The female students whose hands were touched by the employees while handing over the books reacted positively. They formed pleasant impression to the library itself and the employees working in it. Female students who were not touched by employees were less positive about the service in the library.

In response to the touches of employees to young people, male students did not show sympathy for employees.

☻ In another study, scientists showed even greater differences in responses to tactile sensations of touch. The studies took place in a surgical clinic, where touching was part of professional duties, so there was nothing suspicious in the very fact of touching. The duration and frequency of contact between medical staff and patients were studied, after which a survey of patients was envisaged, and their mental and somatic state was studied.

Patients touched medical workers, reported that they were not at all afraid of the upcoming operation. After the operation they had normal level blood pressure, other indicators of health they had much better than patients with whom the nurses had no tactile touch.

In men, tactile touches showed the opposite effect. For every touch, they reacted negatively, with an increase in blood pressure. And for those that the nurses did not touch, the postoperative condition was much better.

Based on the research, scientists have concluded that women respond to touch more positively than men.

☻ It has been noticed that when people of approximately the same status, men react negatively to tactile touches, while women, on the contrary, positively.

☻ If a high-status person touches a person, the reaction of both men and women is positive.

☻ A purely psychological statement: an outside observer can determine the status of people who are talking by tactile touches. The one who touches the interlocutor has a higher status than the one who is touched. After all, it is impossible to imagine a situation where an employee, when talking with a boss, puts his hand on his shoulder or pats him on the shoulder ...

Tactile sensations in relationships

Scientists argue that tactile sensations in relationships between spouses or people who feel sympathy or love for each other carry positive energy and have healing powers.

The touch of the spouses brings the human body to a harmonious state, which strengthens health and prolongs life.

Gentle touches at any age soothe, relax a person, pacify his rapid heartbeat and bring blood pressure back to normal.

How to keep the sharpness of tactile sensations until old age?

Women, by nature, have thinner, receptor-rich skin, so they are more sensitive to touch.
Don't let your skin get rough, chapped. The rougher the skin, the lower its sensitivity.

Listen to your sensations from the touch of clothes. Try to express your feelings in words, what do you feel: tingling, softness, warmth? To feel comfortable, choose clothes according to tactile sensations.

Exercise for training skin sensitivity (tactile sensations)

So that tactile sensations do not become dull with age, you can perform a simple exercise aimed at activating dormant brain cells.

Put on double cotton gloves. Now your fingers feel nothing, neither cold nor hot. Do all the chores around the house with gloves, although this is quite inconvenient.

Due to lack tactile sensations that your fingers passed to you, other parts of the brain will be actively involved. Through some time will pass your clumsiness, fine-tuned hand coordination will reappear, you will see improvements in the perception of the world around you.

The role of tactile sensations will be taken over by other parts of the brain. After this exercise, you will more acutely feel any touch of your fingers on objects.

And do not forget, the tactile sensations of touch are relaxing and soothing, remember this and give each other the warmth of touch.

I wish you health, dear readers!

☀ ☀ ☀

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I am 23 years old. We, together with a young man 4 years old, have experienced a lot life situations parted, but still returned to each other.
I love him very much and appreciate him as a person and as a man. I am satisfied with everything in our relationship, except that he does not give me enough warmth and affection. I grew up in a family where manifestations of love were always supported by hugs, kisses, touches. And in his family, on the contrary, everyone is somehow cold in this regard. They have wonderful kind and respectful relationship, the family is complete, but in terms of the manifestation of tenderness through tactile sensations - this is not the case. This worries me for 2 reasons: 1. I want initiative on his part, but he very rarely shows it, 2. when I climb up to him with "my tenderness", he sometimes gets annoyed and fences himself off from me even more, it seems to him that I am obsessive and get into his personal space. He practically doesn’t kiss me on the lips, says that he doesn’t like it. Moreover, this is not disgust, in an intimate sense, everything is in order with this (only without kisses on the lips). It's hard for me to live with it, I feel emotionally cold from it. I tried to talk to him about it, he replies that he simply does not have as much warmth as I give him and I try to demand in return.
This seems to be a trifle, since there is love, respect, trust and everything that is really important in relationships, but insults accumulate from this “little thing” and sometimes pour out in the form of unpleasant words and swearing.
Help me please! How can we be?
I understand that he is already a mature personality (30 years old), he cannot be changed and you have to accept him the way he is. And I understand that men express their feelings not like women, but differently. But on the other hand, I also have needs and it is wrong to live constantly in a state of dissatisfaction.
I do not know how to be, I really hope for your professional advice.

Hello Julia!

It is very difficult to recommend something when one partner is trying to solve the problem, and the other is not involved in this. It is a pity that your husband does not understand how important affection is for you. Often, problems with betrayal begin with the simplest, the husband caresses little and shows tenderness to his wife. A kiss on the lips is the highest intimate trust. Your husband says that he does not have so much warmth for you ... hmm ... but does he love you? Or maybe he has someone and he does not need this caress? Sincerely, Olesya.

Hello Julia.

A person always has a choice, you have a choice in this situation. I will continue to live with this person and build relationships with him or I don’t want such relationships anymore and I want to end them. If you choose the first option, then you must understand that we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves. Are you ready to part with a man whom you love and appreciate as a man, but who cannot give you enough affection due to his upbringing? How valuable is one and the other to you? Are these values ​​balanced for you or is one of them more significant for you? What can be done to make you feel more satisfied in your relationship? What compromises are you willing to make to make the relationship comfortable for both of you? Are you frank and open in conversations with your man? Do you tell him that "tenderness" on his part is very important to you? Have you ever looked for compromises to resolve your mutual misunderstanding on this issue?

If you want to understand yourself and your question in more detail, please contact me, I will be happy to help.

Hello Julia! There is such a concept - as languages ​​of love - for you one of such languages ​​is tactile touches, for another - words, for the third - gifts. It turns out that you and your husband speak different languages Love. Often problems in the family begin because of a misunderstanding of this. The husband loves you, but he can show Love in his own way, accessible to him, and the point here is not gender differences, some men can also speak the language of tactile touches. This situation is not easy for you - since here is an option for you - or take it for granted and understand your husband by talking to him and perhaps he will feel your need and try to hug and kiss you at least a little more often. Your husband’s rejection of affection may be due to his upbringing, which was so unaccepted in his family, or with an experience that did not lead to anything good, that is, the roots of this lie in his psyche and experiences gained in life, responsibility for relationships in the couple is both - and the main thing in a relationship is compromise, you may be able to come to it. Good luck to you!

Hello Julia! Indeed, each person shows love in their own way. At the same time, the partner may be offended that the other has his own way. But is it worth it to be offended by this? After all, everything else is fine with you. Kisses and touches are important to you, but not to him. What to do? If he doesn't like being touched, what does he like? It makes sense to find out what exactly pleases him. Your husband considers kissing a violation of his personal space. This mechanism has been laid down since childhood, and if this does not interfere with him personally, then he will not do anything about it. I think it is worth very carefully and slowly slowly accustoming him to tactile sensations. After all, imagine that a person has grown up without this all his life, moreover, it is unpleasant for him and you "climb" to him with hugs. The reaction is obvious. Start by touching with your finger, for example, his palm (although I don’t know, maybe that’s what he likes) or touching his face, etc. And ask his reaction, but without imposing and pestering. Let's say one touch can be practiced for one or more weeks. Gradually, you can get to kissing. Good luck to you!

Julia, hello.

Julia, people are very different. But schematically, of course, you can divide the types of people, and they are different. The simplest: introverts, extroverts. According to socionics, there are even more of them. And there is a division of people according to the perception of the world. Visualists, auditoryists, kinesthetics. You, Yulia, are kinesthetic. It is important for you to feel the person. You care about smells. You so "hear" the person. Your husband does not understand you because he most likely has a different language of communication. Julia, can you try to understand this language and start "speaking" it? Watch your husband. How does he express feelings? Also, talk to your husband about your way of communicating, explain to him how important hugs and touches are to you. If you have good trusting relationship you will understand each other. Buy books on psychology. Read for yourself, let him read. It may be worth reading together, starting to study ourselves together. I think your relationship will improve a lot.

All the best.

Sincerely, T.Sh.

The touch of one person to another is implied. In fact, this is the very first way of communication, accessible to people, because when a person is just born, he is not yet able to perceive auditory and visual information adequately, in contrast to tactile sensations. Some psychologists believe that it is at this stage of communication that the foundations of the future human psyche are born.

Types of tactile contacts

Traditionally, tactile contacts are divided into several types. First of all, these are the so-called "professional" touches. Doctors, massage therapists, stylists, tailors simply cannot do without tactile contact in their professional activities. As a rule, most people perceive such contacts calmly, realizing that they do not contain any additional information.

According to psychologists, women tend to perceive tactile contact more positively than men. Thereby positive reaction to the touch is called "feminine".

The second group includes ritual touches. It's about not about mystical practices, but about a completely familiar handshake or a welcome kiss on the cheek. It is known that the handshake, for example, appeared as a means of demonstrating and friendly intentions, but over time this welcoming touch has become almost an obligatory ritual.

Finally, the largest area in which tactile contact is used is the area interpersonal relationships. Touch here is a manifestation of affection, sympathy, kinship, sexual attraction. It can be hugs, kisses, a friendly pat on the shoulder or gentle strokes. The presence of stable tactile contact of this kind is an effective marker indicating a close relationship, for example, between and.

Tactile contact may indicate social status. Touching is most often allowed by those people who occupy a higher position in society, for example, a boss can slap a subordinate on the shoulder.