tactile response. Tactile contact with a man is a reliable way to get your way. Tactile contact with a man psychology

Not much information can be found in Russian, although they have been researched in the West for a long time. A person of this type is very sensitive to sensations and needs constant touch for happiness. However, we all need it to one degree or another. This condition normal development children and adult happiness.

Not just sex

For some people, touch is the primary language of love. That is, without constant physical contact (and not only about sex), such a person will not subconsciously consider himself loved. Tactile contact- it's touch different kind. IN good families It is customary to hug and kiss each other when they meet. Do not limit yourself solely to sex, because you can stroke your loved one on the cheek, play with his hair, massage in accordance with various techniques. All this brings together, especially if your partner expresses his love through touch.

Location and hidden love

In friendships, tactile contact is another way to express sympathy. No wonder in many cultures it is considered normal to shake hands. A touch on the shoulder speaks of strong sympathy. A friendly pat on the back makes the relationship informal and shows respect. Often love masquerading as friendship is expressed through pampering children like tickling the object of sympathy or even light pinching. Moreover, such games are not alien to many adults.

Baby needs

Touch is also important in the relationship between the child and the mother. Children who are not touched or touched little often have mental retardation and developmental arrest. Therefore, the child should have not only toys with a variety of textures (to make it interesting to touch), but also a long tactile interaction with people who love him. Tactile - this means carried out through receptors on the skin.

Cause of some changes

A harmonious sex life is impossible without quality touches. And the more of them, the better. So many men go "to the left" not because they lack sex, variety, or get bored with the technique of performing the act. And because the wife does not give enough tenderness. They simply do not believe in love, and therefore they are looking for a girl on the side who loves to be touched. Moreover, if the contrast is strong, a man can leave his family altogether.

Signals for others

Tactile contact is also an indicator of the publicity of relations. Holding your partner's hand in public, stroking their hair, or cuddling with them can signal to people around you that you're in a relationship. If a man does not agree to a minimal expression of tenderness, this means that he does not perceive you as a serious partner. Of course, we are not talking about Muslim countries - there are other cultural norms.

Outcome

Tactile contact is a way to express love, an essential need for a child, a means to make clear sympathy. It can also be a method of social declaration of relationships, that is, signaling to others that your partner is “busy”.

Tactile contact with a man - reliable way get your way. Tactile contact with a man psychology

Psychology. Tactile contact - what is it? :: SYL.ru

Everyone enjoys being noticed. Tactile contact is an integral part of any close interaction. Of course, business relationships are unlikely to imply strong hugs, but friendly meetings, as a rule, cannot do without them. Each person, one way or another, wants to feel needed, in demand and understood.

Tactile-visual contact helps line up trusting relationship between partners, teaches them to be indulgent and considerate. Only by looking into the eyes of the interlocutor, you can fully ascertain what feelings he is actually experiencing.

The essence of the concept

Tactile contact is special form interaction in which effective communication between people. Agree that it is much easier to convey some important thought to a person if you touch him. It is very pleasant for any of us to be appreciated, to express our feelings with the help of strong handshakes.

What does tactile contact mean? Most often, with its help, people express their emotions aimed at a specific interlocutor. The desire to take by the hand, to stroke is connected with the need for understanding, which we all need so much. If a person is absolutely indifferent to another, then he will never, under any pretext, touch him. Closed people, as a rule, avoid tactile contact and are afraid to show it.

Feeling safe

Look at the woman holding the baby in her arms. She just glows with happiness! She is not afraid of any obstacles, she is not afraid of the prospect of losing individual prospects. A mother always sacrifices something for her baby: work, time, relationships with friends.

In the arms of the mother, the baby feels protected from all adversity. Her tender palms will lull him, caress him. It is tactile contact that provides the child with a sense of security from everything in the world. This is the most powerful weapon in the world against any antisocial acts. It has been noticed that many illegal acts are committed only because no one cared about such individuals in childhood. Mother's love creates the child's soul, forms his trust in the whole world around him.

If a mother does not devote enough time and attention to her offspring, then there is a great chance of forming a person who is unsociable, aggressive or withdrawn. No one can replace a mother's love for her child. One can only guess how lonely and unwanted orphans feel.

Manifestation of love

When we touch another person, it is as if we are saying to him: “I care about you.” The one who loves, necessarily strives to show his affection not only in words. How can you express your feelings? A look or a touch. The tactile contact of a man and a woman implies a deep feeling of each other at all levels. Sometimes it's enough to look into your eyes and say sweet Nothing otherwise, only gentle handling and tactile warmth will help. We all want to feel loved and cared for.

Expression of confidence

In fact, we only allow ourselves to be touched by people we can fully trust. And this is by no means accidental. This is how our psychology works. Tactile contact is a very important and significant thing in everyone's life, so it should not be avoided or tried to be repelled. There are people who really do not like to hug, even with loved ones. Such manifestations testify precisely to the fact that not everything is so smooth in their life, there are internal problems and contradictions in interaction.

Trust is expressed through free tactile touches, strokes. To take a person by the hand means to show special warmth to him, intimacy, desire to help. If we want to comfort a friend or relative, we hug them. And this almost always has a positive effect on a person, allows him to calm down. The fact is that hugs open the heart, help restore intimacy, trust, if for some reason they were lost.

Relationships between spouses

The interaction of husband and wife is a special moment that causes many different disputes. Family conflicts- the strongest in impact. It is believed that it is in relations with the most dear people we go through important life lessons, without which our personality would not be fully realized. After all, no one can be happy alone. It always requires the participation of a partner, the presence of a deep relationship with him. And here you can not do without tactile contact.

Spouses like no one else know each other. It's not just about individual character, manners, habits. Each of us has our own weaknesses, ailments, and then being near loved one can affect our state and attitude.

Sexual interaction

Tactile contact with a man without fail includes touch. When two people decide to dedicate their lives to each other, over time they know well what their partner likes and know how to guess his mood. Physical intimacy is impossible without a huge sense of trust in relation to the spouse. Both men and women need the same sincere love. But not everyone, unfortunately, knows how to properly express their emotions. Everyone wants to feel important and loved.

Rescue from stress

When you come home after a whole labor day so nice to know what's waiting for you loving family. A hot dinner, a manifestation of attention and care - that's what a partner is waiting for. With the help of tactile contact, you can get rid of stress, find peace of mind, relieve yourself of the burden of problems and fatigue. Nothing invigorates a person so much as the realization that someone needs him, his opinion is valuable in itself and important.

Tactile contact is a real salvation from stress. When we touch a person, he always feels how important he is in our life. Even the relationship of friends and girlfriends can be very close if there is a place for mutual hugs and pats on the back. Sometimes colossal support is required, and here tactile contact is clearly indispensable. The more emotions we learn to show in life, the easier it will be for us to build interaction with other people.

Nobody likes cold and indifferent people for whom to say an extra word is a problem. Everyone wants to feel a certain support and protection from those who are constantly nearby. Any relationship is built on mutual trust and common interests. It is hard to imagine that friends will endure a nervous, quick-tempered person next to them, from whom only troubles come.

Instead of a conclusion

Tactile contact is present in almost all forms of interpersonal interaction. The deeper and better relationship between people, the more in their communication there are handshakes, hugs and a completely conscious intention to be next to each other. Often, self-confidence is formed in a person directly under the influence of how significant he feels in the company of relatives, friends, colleagues and, of course, family. Happiness depends on the circumstance that allows the individual to fully express his feelings.

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Tactile contact with a man is a reliable way to achieve your goal.

Tactile contact with a man is a reliable way to get your way when you need to apologize or ask for his help.

Touch Tactics

Tactile contact with a man is a reliable way to get your way when you need to apologize or ask for his help. Magical touches on a man, then do whatever you want with him

Numerous studies confirm that gestures can express many emotions - love or anger, sympathy or approval. Moreover, they act much faster than words - on an instinctive level, especially for men who, by their nature, are less talkative than women.

Often, a simple touch can be more effective than a half-hour conversation. And you can, on occasion, proudly say: "We feel and understand each other without words."

WHEN you need to apologize

GESTURE: If you were wrong (or he thinks you were wrong) and you still need to apologize, sit down next to him and while saying the magic phrase "Forgive me ..." put your hand on his knee and gently shake it.

What's the matter

While he is angry, touching his cheek or hand is too intimate for him: he will perceive it with aggression or irritation and, most likely, move away. The knee is a more neutral zone. In addition, to touch his leg, you have to bend down a little and reach out your hand. He subconsciously perceives such a position as a sign of humility.

And in combination with words, this will make it clear that you are sincerely sorry and promise that this will not happen again.

WHEN you want to ask him for help

GESTURE: If you need attention, sympathy and help, stretch out your hands to him, palms up - so that he covers them with his own hands.

What's the matter

This movement is read by his subconscious as a search for protection. Palms up - a request for help. Your man will unconsciously interpret this as a plea for protection and will feel his strength. And once in a dominant position, he will definitely want to help and take care of you.

IF there is a conflict

GESTURE: When you need to defuse the situation and calm your loved one without words, do not wait until he “boils” (in this state, he will perceive any touch as a gesture of aggression). Touch his shoulder. The movement should be clear, firm and in no case timid. Hold your hand on your shoulder for a couple of seconds and remove it. By doing this, you will press the "pause" button in his head.

What's the matter

His shoulder is one of the most protected parts of the body, covered with muscles and the least sensitive in contrast to more vulnerable places, such as the face or neck. And straight and firm hand carries a charge of energy and attracts attention. This movement will simultaneously remind you of your connection and make it clear that you should never get excited. A touch on the shoulder emphasizes the strength of your man, shows that the situation is not dangerous, that his weak points nothing threatens and what together you can find optimal solution any problem.

IF you want to talk him into doing something he doesn't want

GESTURE: Take his hands in your palms so that they are at the bottom. Then bring them together in a "prayer" position.

What's the matter

Hands folded in this way are a persuasive gesture that businessmen and politicians often use in negotiations. And by adding in body contact and the fact that your palms are on top, it’s like you are saying to his subconscious: “I dominate this situation!” As a result, your words, backed up by non-verbal methods of control, will become even more convincing.

WHEN you rest

GESTURE: Gently, lightly touching, run your palm along his neck along the hairline. Rub your hair, and then, going down a couple of centimeters, massage your neck and return to the hair again.

What's the matter

Running your fingers through his hair, you give him a feeling of care and comfort. This is a universal gesture: it is used by birds that clean each other's feathers, and animals that gently bite each other, and people seeking to demonstrate their mutual affection. And a light massage of the neck, whose muscles are often tense after a working day, will make him feel more relaxed and peaceful next to you.

When you need to defuse the situation, do not wait until he "boils", touch his shoulder.

IF you want to compliment him

GESTURE: Would you like to tell him how amazing, unique, masculine, sexy and loved he is? No need for so many words, just slap him on the buttocks.

What's the matter

For men, a slap on the soft spot is a non-verbal way of showing that they are "super". With this gesture you express your admiration and support. Pay attention to commands male species sports: you will see that in the event of a victory, a successful throw or a goal scored, the players, without any hesitation, slap each other on the backside or a little higher, thus expressing their admiration for each other. Let's embrace this idea!

IF you want to fool around

GESTURE: Do you have more interesting plans for tonight than watching TV? Run your hand across inside his thighs, as close as possible to the genitals, but without touching them.

What's the matter

The upper inner thigh is extremely sensitive - it is here that the nerve endings that connect to the genitals are located. And the skin in this place is very delicate, since there are quite a few muscles there. This movement will ignite it instantly, and an interesting (and guaranteed passionate) continuation of the evening is guaranteed for you.

WHEN you want to say "I love you"

GESTURE: Pass your hand over his cheek. You've seen this gesture many times in romantic movies. It usually precedes a kiss.

What's the matter

A man's face (especially a freshly shaved one) is very sensitive - after all, near each hair follicle there are tactile sensors. In addition, touching the face, you emphasize the emotional connection with the person.

And understand him

With the help of touch, you can not only say something, but also understand how your man feels. It all depends on how he reacts to your gestures.

For example, if you feel your knee muscles tremble when you apologize, he is overly excited and unresponsive at the moment. Take a break to let it cool down. Watch the position of his body - as soon as he turns slightly towards you, act: now he "hears" you. Stroke his other knee and increase your eloquence.

Sometimes it is not at all necessary to wait for the whole body to turn - pay attention to his feet: if the socks are turned towards you, he is already ready to compromise and is far from being as angry as he tries to show.

If he does not react in any way, it is worth waiting a bit: now he is completely “in himself”, give him time to open up.

Just be careful! By closely watching his reaction to your movements, you will very quickly learn to understand body language and will never again dream of psychic ability read minds. After all, everything is much simpler. Magical touches to a man, then do whatever you want with him.

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What is tactile contact? His role in interpersonal relationships:: SYL.ru

For some reason, many believe that tactile contact is something incomprehensible and distant. What is their surprise at the moment when they learn the true meaning of this word! Indeed, in reality, each of us is faced with this phenomenon every day, simply not attaching importance to it.

Well, let's dispel the secret veil hanging over this phrase. So what does tactile contact mean? What is its role in human life? And why is it so important to use it skillfully?

Tactile contact - what is it?

Let's not beat around the bush for a long time, and immediately understand its meaning. Tactile contact is a normal touch. It can be a handshake, a kiss, a hug, a massage, and so on.

That is, each of us daily faces a similar phenomenon at home, at work, in a restaurant. But at the same time, we rarely think about what his role in our life is. But by its nature, tactile contact is one of the means of communication. Do you want to know why this happened?

An ancient way of communication

Now in the world there are more than one hundred different languages ​​and even more marching dialects. But it was not always so. In those distant times, when life on Earth was still far from its perfection, our ancestors owned only one way of communication. It was sign language.

At the same time, it should not be confused with the modern alphabet for the deaf and dumb. Then the basis for communication was primitive hand gestures, clapping, and touching. The latter played a fundamental role in interpersonal relationships. After all, it was the only way to express the feelings that our ancestors had for each other.

Although in the course of evolution a person has mastered the speech apparatus, nevertheless, tactile contact is still very important when communicating with others.

Baby care

The birth of a new life is always a miracle. The little creature, still not understanding where it ended up, is already trying with all its might to make contact with its parents. Probably every mother remembers the moment when her child first stretched out his tiny hands to her. How passionately he wanted to touch her, and how much tenderness and warmth was in this gesture.

Tactile contact with the child is the main way of communication, because initially he does not perceive ordinary words. They are simply unknown to him, and it will be a long time before he learns their meaning.

But the language of primitive gestures and touches is known to him from the very beginning. So, the usual swaying in the arms often helps to calm crying. Or if you let the child hold his finger, then he can fall asleep faster, because he will feel care and guardianship. Not to mention the fact that in all ages the punishment for a child was a pat on the pope.

With this in mind, parents should understand that tactile contact is very important when raising a child. After all, he may perceive his absence as an attempt to distance himself from him, which can lead to a number of psychological problems.

Touch as a means of communication

But over the years, tactile contact does not lose its strength. After all, after a person learns to speak and write in mother tongue and even learn a few foreign ones, he will still intuitively rely on touch. And all because this mechanism of communication has been developed over many millennia.

Evidence for this can be seen in Everyday life. For example, take the usual handshake. Throughout the ages, it has served as a symbol of good intentions and has even been an obligatory gesture during peace negotiations. Now, both ordinary meetings of friends and diplomatic missions in various countries peace.

Another manifestation of tactile contact in society is a pat on the shoulder. In almost all countries, this gesture means support or praise. For example, in this way a director can express his gratitude to a subordinate who has done a good job.

Tactile contact with a woman

And yet what is the most important role at touch? It's no secret that no relationship can go smoothly without tactile intimacy. AND we are talking not even about sex or some caresses. No, everything lies in the usual, at first glance, touches.

For example, what is the very first tactile contact with a girl that a guy has? And the correct answer is the touch of hands. It may sound trite, but this is where it all begins. It is worth thinking a little - and it becomes clear that many couples on the first date join hands, and this, as it were, binds them. Such a gesture serves as a symbol that both of them are not against this relationship.

In the future, there will be much more tactile contacts between them. As their relationship develops, kissing, hugging, stroking, and even nibbling will appear in more passionate couples. So, tactile contact is the silent language of our body, capable of showing what ordinary words are not capable of.

So what about personal space?

But you need to understand that such contact is a direct intervention in the comfort zone of any person. And if this does not hurt one at all, then the second, on the contrary, may misinterpret such closeness.

Therefore, you should control your actions, especially when interacting with strangers. Although this rule applies to ordinary communication. For example, when talking with loved ones, we can freely use familiar phrases and openly express our opinions. But in the presence of strangers, everything changes, now we are trying to choose words, because their intentions are unknown to us.

Based on this, we can draw a simple conclusion: tactile contact is the oldest way of communication between people. He is able to express our feelings and emotions more vividly, even without the use of words. But you need to remember that not everyone will appreciate such a manifestation of emotions in their address, because touch is an interference in a person’s personal space, which means that you need to be extremely careful with them.

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Tactile contact is the secret weapon for harmonious relationships

Tactile contact is secret weapon, which we receive to create successful and strong relationship. This is our language, given to us from birth. But over time, we forget about its importance. How can we return to natural communication?

Psychologists recommend that in order to remember what tactile contact is, connect your imagination and imagine yourself in a bus crowded with people. Passengers, being half asleep, by inertia continue to reproduce their thoughts and emotions with the help of tactile sensations. Couple in love holding hands Small child seeks support from his mother - pulls his hands to her and calms down.

Types of communication

Everyone knows that we can communicate verbally and non-verbally. But the fact that quite complex emotions and desires can be conveyed with the help of movements and expressions is not known to many. We are careful with our touches, but we can receive and transmit signals with their help. That is, we have the ability to interpret tactile contact. When we touch another person, our brain displays an objective assessment.

The most accurate and not at all the easiest way to communicate

The researchers concluded that with the help of facial expression and voice, we can identify one or two positive signals - good mood and joy. However, studies show that touch ( tactile sensations) is more accurate and thin way communication than the sound of the voice and facial expression.

In addition, with the help of touches, you can increase the communication speed, that is, touching is the easiest way to signal something. Tactile contact with a man helps girls create a deeper sense of connection. Touch is also important in the relationship between mother and child, since we begin to receive tactile sensations even before birth. When a mother touches her child, she gives him a sense of security.

The Importance of Touch

Warm touch releases the hormone oxytocin, which increases feelings of affection and trust between people. This can also explain our habit of touching ourselves: rubbing our hands, stroking our forehead, hair. Tactile contact helps us experience all the same positive sensations that the person we touch also experiences. Research has shown that by hugging, we get as much benefit as the person we hug. In addition, by touching a person, we will receive information about his emotional state. We will find out how he is set up: friendly or hostile. Whether he is relaxed or tense. Such information will help us choose the right tactics in communication. Therefore, we can say that tactile sensations are the easiest way to strengthen intimacy in a romantic relationship.

Tactile memory

Tactile memory refers to memories of the sensations we experience when we touch an object. Let's say you once stroked a snake at the zoo, and now every time you see a snake (on TV, for example), you remember how cold its skin is.

Tactile memory is not associated with the organs of vision, it involves the organs of touch. Otherwise, one can speak of joint work visual and tactile memory. If vision is involved in memorization, then, as a rule, tactile sensations are not remembered by us.

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"Ask Dr. Naritsyn" - "Tactile contact and kinesthetics": naritsyna

We present the seventeenth edition of our new project: a mini-interview with a psychotherapist "Ask Dr. Naritsyn". An explanatory post about what it is, as well as for receiving questions from readers, is here. And here are the plans for the next calculations.

The topic of today's issue is "Tactile contact and kinesthetics". Questions are asked by the user cinober.

N.N.: - Speaking of physical contact, it is important to remember that this way of interaction is typical for many pack animals. As a rule, it serves to additionally confirm the "belonging of the individual to the pack." In animals that have freed forelimbs, physical contact can be especially important: for example, mutual grooming is often used as a sign of trust and closeness.

And on the other hand, if we talk about physical contact from the position not of the society (flock), but of the individual, then such contact is almost always, oddly enough, a kind of antonym of freedom and the preservation of personal boundaries. What's more, for many animals, physical contact sometimes means they're about to be eaten. That is why it is so important that tactile communication is equally pleasant for both parties, and neither side perceives it as violence, restriction of freedom or unauthorized encroachment on personal boundaries. Because physical contact can be a confirmation of the psychological closeness of people, but pay attention! – not its replacement and not its beginning. Therefore, it is important that during physical contact, as they say, "there is something to confirm." By the way, you can easily see that the attitude to tactile contacts is not only different for different people, and even differently in relation to different people around. For example, you let one person into your house, and another - for nothing; in the same way, sometimes you really want to let someone into your personal boundaries, but categorically not for someone. And yet, speaking of physical contact, one should clarify this subtlety: such contacts are very different. For example, take the hand - physical contact? Undoubtedly. Hug? Kiss? Tickle? Give in the ear? Does it hurt to pull your hair? Unscrew a button from a jacket? And so on and so forth.

One of the rather difficult cases of disharmony in a relationship is a situation when partners have different needs in tactile contact. Therefore, it is desirable, before starting a life together, to discuss, among other things, the need of each of the partners in non-verbal communication. But we will touch on this issue in more detail below.

Are there people who do not feel the need for tactile contact or feel a negligible need? And if they do, how often and are there any types to which this is most characteristic? Are there signs by which you can calculate that a person does not like physical contact, and is not shy?

N.N.: - Of course, there are such people: at least due to the high variability human characters and personality structures. But in this case, it is probably worth talking not so much about the types of "loving or not loving physical contact", but about situations and specific relationships. Because, as mentioned above, often the attitude towards physical contact depends on the degree of closeness of the relationship of specific people.

Yes, it also happens that for some person the need for tactile communication is higher, for someone it is lower: this may depend on many factors. For example, on whether a city dweller is a person or a villager, on the specifics of education and traditions in parental family, from character traits, from possible psychotraumas in relation to tactile communication, etc. and so on. And the most difficult thing is that not a single person, roughly speaking, has it immediately written on his forehead whether he likes tactile contacts or not. Therefore, within the framework of ordinary formal politeness, it is customary to a priori consider physical contact as a way of communication for already fairly close people, and not for those who have just met. That is, by default, do not impose any tactile touches on the interlocutor outside the framework of formally accepted communication (for example, the same handshake). And the less formal your relationship with a person is, the more intimate your physical contact can be.

And as for the question “How to figure out that a person doesn’t like physical contact” - if you put your fingers on it, then it’s very easy to calculate: if you use tactile communication with this person, it means that de facto you are already close enough to ask him such a question verbally. And if your proximity is not enough for this, then for now it is better not to impose physical contact on him beyond generally accepted norms courtesy.

Is it true that there are often people who want physical contact, but are afraid, and in addition to this they also have intimophobia (i.e. fear of any close relationship, not sex and not marriage). How to understand that such a character is in front of you?

N.N.: - If you are afraid of the presence of intimophobia in the character of a person in the understanding you have stated, if this becomes relevant to you, then you intend to build one or another close relationship with him. Because if such a relationship with someone is irrelevant to you, then theoretically it will not matter to you whether he has intimophobia or not. So, at the stage of building close relationships, you can also either "ask in words" or observe reactions. And if you take all sorts of steps to establish psychological intimacy, but this is what provokes your partner (partner) not to get close to you, but rather move away from you, then there is a high probability that the person has intimophobia. Although there is also a certain percentage of probability that for some reason he (she) does not intend to build a close relationship specifically with you. But be that as it may, I suppose the reason is not so important here. You go towards a person - he moves away from you. This is his decision, and sometimes it is not so important what caused it.

Do people with a frustrated need for physical contact really enjoy petting cats, dogs, and anything else that doesn't run away or bite? And is big love petting cats as a sign that the character likes petting people too?

N.N .: - I have come across the point of view of ethologists that people are descended from monkeys, monkeys have wool, and therefore it is so pleasant for people to touch everything woolen and fluffy. Anyway, I don't think it's that simple here; and the love of stroking cats and dogs, I guess, does not always mean a frustrated need for physical contact. At least because stroking animals and people is not the same thing. In addition, it often happens that a person likes to stroke some dogs or cats, but not others. Here, too, everything is very selective.

How many kinesthetics in the world, how often does this defect occur in men and women? How to understand if your "appetites" fit within the normal range, or are you just a kinesthetic? :)

N.N.: - Here, for starters, as they say, let's drink for the accuracy of the wording. The division of all people according to the mode of their preferred channel of perception - into auditory, visual and kinesthetic - refers to only one psychological theory: frankly, it is doubtful in relation to one hundred percent division of all people into these three groups. But even if you consider yourself a kinesthetic - in the first place, who told you that this is a defect? Touch is the same sense as sight, and hearing, and all the rest; and kinesthetic, if we speak in this language, the same variant of the norm as auditory and visual. Second, don't confuse tactile way obtaining information about the world around with the need for physical contact. And thirdly, regarding physical contact, everything that both adults and able-bodied people like will be a variant of the norm.

I would venture to suggest: you think that you have "an abnormally increased need for physical contact with the interlocutor", and you decided that you are a kinesthetic and this is such a defect. If only because for this need you have already received negative reviews more than once. However, the attraction to tactile contact may not be caused at all by the “preferred way of perceiving the world”, but, for example, by some kind of internal anxiety, or a lack of tactile impressions in childhood, or some other unconscious problem, which is completely corrected (if this prevents you from adequately existing, communicating, etc.). And there is no need to label yourself "I am a kinesthetic and therefore I am defective."

Can a cunning kinesthetic person make a partner also like hugs / strokes / other touches in order to use him for his dirty purposes? :) Or do you need to immediately look for your own kind? Is it possible to reduce one's own need for tactile contact, and how?

N.N.: - Here, most likely, at the beginning of the question, we have the opportunity to communicate with your inner Parent (according to Eric Berne). This Parent has already made an assessment of the kinesthetics - that he is insidious, and defined the goals as dirty (smiley smiley, but there is some truth in every joke). This is a very common Parental reaction: "You get in trouble from someone - you misbehave - you are bad." And then it runs into a dead end, because it does not imply any further development, except perhaps a sense of guilt. Therefore, one of critical actions in self-analysis of any problem, it is to get out of the pressure of the Parent, start to reason from the position of the Adult - analytically, predictively, balancedly - and not to offend your inner Child: feelings, emotions, unconscious needs (including your personal need for tactile contact). Alas, it is not always easy to do such an analysis on your own: but here a counseling psychotherapist can be useful.

And as for the question "How to make your partner like hugs, stroking and other touches" - it's not easy, but it's theoretically possible. First of all, it is important to be patient, not to rush, not to push your partner. Move towards each other gradually, focusing not on tactile contact as such, but on creating the actual psychological closeness in itself and at the same time showing respect for the personal boundaries of the partner. In general, there is such a correlation: the more a person’s personal boundaries were violated in childhood, the less he was able to protect them, the more jealously he guards them in adulthood, and the less willingly he lets other people in. And he usually makes exceptions for the person who will become a close and trusted person for him. And the more you respect his personal boundaries as such a person, the more trust in you will gradually appear.

The psychotherapist Nikolay Nikolayevich Naritsyn answered the questionsRecorded Marina Naritsyna

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Love ... How to save? - entry of the user Olga Savateeva (olivka2011) in the community Psychology of a happy life in the category Relations man / woman

First, let's look at how the relationship between a man and a woman develops.

1. A man and a woman form in their imagination a request for a partner who is endowed with certain qualities and external data.

“We do not choose each other by chance. We meet only those who already exist in our subconscious. First we draw a person in our imagination and only then we meet him in real life". Sigmund Freud

2. Meeting. visual contact. Partners evaluate whether they like the visual image, mannerisms, gestures, postures, looks, etc…

3. Tactile contact. At this stage, the man and woman check whether the partner is pleasant to the touch. As far as the partner is suitable by smell.

4. Checking the similarity of basic abilities. There are so-called basic abilities (character traits) of a person. These abilities are formed in childhood and are the basis. Here are some of them: faith, the meaning of life, trust, contact (sociability), intelligence level, emotionality, sensuality, sexuality, ideals ... At this stage, a man and a woman check how much their basic concepts are similar. This is very important point, because the basic abilities are not subject to correction!

5. Falling in love. At this stage, the man and woman begin to experience sexual attraction. There are no obligations yet, so this period is very pleasant.

6. Kiss. The value of the first kiss is very great. When kissing happens chemical reaction, which either strengthens the feelings that have arisen, or makes it clear that they do not exist.

7. Sex. Mandatory part of the relationship. It is important as proof that two people are perfect for each other, not only psychologically, but also physically. If a couple does not get full satisfaction and does not experience enough pleasure from intimacy, then the relationship will come to an end sooner or later.

Then there comes a period when all the previous points (they may be in a different order) are completed and you understand that all the puzzles matched. And this is love.

“Like a beautiful plant, love will wither and die if the lovers have no idea how to feed it and how to care for it.”

1. Most main principle love is acceptance. To love is to accept a partner as he is. Without conditions!

If you want to change something in your partner, you have deceived yourself in one of the 7 points, i.e. somewhere there was a discrepancy, and you turned a blind eye to it, in the hope that you will correct it in your partner or get used to it.

Many people associate their lives with the wrong people under pressure. Years are running out, all girlfriends and friends got married, and even parents with their hints ... The person had other ideals and requests for a partner, but under pressure, he marries or marries the first one that comes across, more or less the right person, and then begins to try to remake it to fit his ideal. And this is impossible!

If you yourself do not appreciate and notice, if you yourself do not learn to enjoy your partner as he is, it will be difficult for you to live with him all your life. No one can create your own happiness for you. And it is useless to expect this from a partner if you yourself do nothing. Start working on yourself, start changing your way of thinking and attitude towards what is happening around you, and everything will change.

Accept your partner as he is, without any conditions.

2. Relationships of partners are directly dependent on their self-esteem and self-confidence. Love won't be complete if you don't love yourself in that relationship! Love and accept yourself for who you are.

“Love for yourself is not arrogant complacency. This is a calm confidence, which is based on a sense of one's own usefulness and personal significance.

Ha, easy to say, some of you will say. How can I love myself if I have so many flaws. My body is not perfect!

You yourself have created an image of perfection and reject your body. Many, even beautiful women, do not believe in their beauty, receiving a complement are ready to fall through the ground.

Write a list of conditions that will help you love yourself. Have you written? Great!

Now take this list, crumple it up and throw it away with the words: "Today I throw out my list of conditions, I accept and love myself the way I am!"

This is the only correct way out, because. after you complete this list, a new one will appear, and then a new one and again a new one ...

You have no flaws, you have features, zest that distinguish you from all other people. Love your uniqueness.

Love yourself in your relationship with your partner.

3. Many women have forgotten the meaning of the word "married". A woman should follow her husband, and not try to run before him! Many women have forgotten what they are, feminine qualities and duties, brought up in themselves men's, and then they are surprised that their men have ceased to fulfill their men's duties.

Each partner should have their own duties and responsibilities. Many women often try to control their husband, or even do something for him with the thought that she will do it better. Now imagine playing tennis. If your partner constantly controlled your game, and sometimes just ran out to your field and played for you. Would you like such a game? I think not ... It is important that each player is in his place and then you will play and have fun!

Match your role in the relationship. Trust the partner in the performance of his duties, this will help him in self-expression and in the realization of his capabilities.

4. Family life implies everyday life, relationships enter into a habitual track, and so on day after day. Many people forget how pleasant it is to give each other joy and positive emotions. Many people forget that in addition to home and work, there are many interesting places. Many people think that if you are already married, you don’t need to develop and take care of yourself in order to surprise your husband and please his eye. And then they wonder why the relationship has turned into a gray routine.

Bring something new into the relationship. If you bring interest, surprises, excitement, spontaneity into the relationship, the flame of passion will never go out. Change yourself for your partner, be his motivator.

“Variability is one of the virtues of a woman. She helps men avoid the crude temptations of polygamy. If you have good wife, you are, in a spiritual sense, provided with a harem. Gilbert Chesterton

5. To love is to give your partner your attention, strength, emotions and time for free. Many want to be paid for their love. They begin to count money, effort expended, attention given, time spent together, etc. Then they begin to reproach the partner. Many demand from a partner the same manifestation of attention and love as they give, but you need to understand that all people are different and show their feelings in different ways too.

Love is when your partner's happiness and peace of mind become your happiness and peace of mind.

Give your partner the right to express feelings as he wants. Instead of expecting love from your partner, consider what else you can give. Give your partner more and more love. She will definitely come back to you like a boomerang.

6. Love is absolute trust in a partner. Even the most persistent feelings can be destroyed by mistrust. Often, suspicions are unjustified and are fantasies. Suspicions give rise to fears: “Oh, what if he leaves”, “What if there is a better one than me”, “Oh, it’s been a long time, well, just with another woman”, etc. Such fears are taken from self-doubt. I already wrote about how to deal with them in the article “Fears, war has been declared”, read.

From the fact that you will suspect and be on the alert, nothing will change. You are only wasting your energy and losing confidence in yourself. Give your partner freedom. If he's yours, he's not going anywhere; if he's gone, he's not yours. In a relationship, it's important to give your partner their own space so they don't feel like they're trapped by a beast. Men really don't like this.

"Love and doubt will never get along with each other." - D. H. Gibran

Trust your partner completely. Give him his own space.

7. It's no secret how important physical intimacy is in a relationship: touching, hugging, kissing, sex. Touching, hugging and kissing increase the body's level of oxytocin, a hormone that influences attachment, and also gives a feeling of calm and security. These are signs of love and tenderness. This is a way to show your love. Do it more often!

Sex - the relationship of partners, based on the instinct of procreation, but going far beyond the satisfaction of this need, because. gives pleasure and pleasure in the form of an orgasm. Sex is an exchange of energy and fluids that are beneficial to the health of partners. Sex is a great antidepressant. Poses in sex, allow you to keep your figure in shape. And you can continue for a long time and for a long time ... When a relationship is just beginning, everything is literally seething with passion and constant desire. Time passes, home life problems, work, children appear ... and at this moment you need to try your best to maintain desire and physical attraction. Dissatisfaction of partners or one of the partners with what is happening in their sexual life can lead to infidelity and divorce. Therefore, partners should make sure that sex fits well into their life.

Keep studying your partner. Let your partner continue to explore you. Develop your sexual culture. Try something new, experiment.

I wish your family love and harmonious relations!

The meaning of kisses in different parts of the body

www.babyblog.ru

Contact communication. Male emotions ⋆ BRW Magazine

Exotic business opened on New York's Park Avenue. The Snuggery sells a special kind of service - friendly hugs. Yes! And the pleasure is not cheap. For hugging one person for 45 minutes - $50. If you completely overcome depression and you can’t cope alone, two will hug you - $ 100 in 45 minutes. Well, if you need to "zakalambutsat the very tsimes" - you will be hugged from 10:30 pm to 7 am. Prepare $425.

Demand creates supply. You can laugh, but people are ready to buy friendly touches wholesale and retail. Today gender roles and cultural codes make them scarce. Especially for men.

“It's easier for women. It is natural for us to touch the people we love, those for whom we feel sympathy and friendly disposition, says consultant psychologist Natalia Smirnova. - We can hug a friend, it is perceived normally. Of course, when men touch us, it is not always easy to accept, even in the case of a purely friendly gesture, light touch. We easily allow into our comfort zone only those men whom we know well and subconsciously believe that we correctly interpret their touches. In men, the "comfort zone" in terms of tactile contact is much smaller. With the exception of loved ones and loved ones, touch at the subconscious level is interpreted as a subconscious threat if it is done by a man and as an offer for greater intimacy when it is done by a woman. Gender models of behavior adopted in a particular society, in accordance with which boys and girls are brought up, lay the behavioral reactions of future men and women. In our society and our culture, a man should be strong/masculine and a girl weak/feminine. Women have a legal right to emotions, tears and tenderness. Men, on the other hand, must hide emotions, especially those that are codified as weakness. You can’t cry - “you act like a girl”, you can’t react emotionally - “you behave like a hysterical woman”, and think a hundred times before putting your hand on a woman’s shoulder - this can be perceived as harassment.

Emotional and tactile isolation

I've always been my dad's girl. My father always messed around with me and my brother. He was the best friend of our games. Cycling trips in summer and spring, family picnics in the woods, hockey and ice skating in winter. I love my childhood. I was extremely lucky to be born to my parents. But rewinding the memory back, I understand that something irreversible happened in adolescence.

Instead of spontaneous daddy hugs and kisses, ritual ones came - at a meeting and parting, on holidays and birthdays, well, in the case of my first student, and then professional achievements. They left not because there was less love, but because as children grow up, cultural norms limit the tactile contact of fathers with their own children. This is what happens in most cases. I don't feel like I've been robbed. Like this, for no real reason, on empty place. Something is clearly rotten in a culture that tactilely and emotionally isolates fathers because that's the way it is. Almost the same story was with my friends. There are exceptions. But in my memory, I met them only twice. To be honest, I was terribly jealous.

Our reality is that men, proving their masculinity and reliability, following generally accepted patterns of behavior, in most cases voluntarily refuse tactile touches. And we consider it normal, natural. The worst thing is that reliable, respectable men, not sexually horny and not pedophiles, do this. Although it is the latter that are the threat.

Isolation leaves its marks in the behavior of children. We also learn to show warm feelings in doses, according to the right context. And so from family to family, from generation to generation.

It is often both funny and sad. The way many relatives hug each other - men and women. I do not think that men consciously calculate the distance, the slope of the shoulders and back, but the feeling is that they gently press a swamp viper to their chest. Also carefully and distanced. Women with such choreographic somersaults have to “peck” men on the shoulder. The only physically accessible place for contact.

Touch Value

“Shaking hands, patting on the shoulder are tactile touches accepted in the male environment. They don't raise questions. Everything that goes beyond, and this, for example, when two men sit on the same sofa “too close”, or when a father gently strokes his teenage son on the back of the head, are unconsciously read as sexually colored gestures, - says Natalya Smirnova. - Our men by and large avoid any hint of homosexual relationships or, God forbid, pedophilia. Anything that calls into question their masculinity or morality is cut off. A father may scratch and stroke his dog every day, but he does not hug his teenage son or daughter every day. He is the bearer of an internal cultural taboo that limits such contacts even among relatives.”

Do you know why independent cats can appreciate human interaction? Not just for food. Man and cat are an amazing symbiosis: both get endless pleasure from touch. The man gives, the cat takes. Without any subtexts, gender models and other bad subconscious associations.

Curious results were also given by the classic experiment of Harry Harlow. The baby monkeys were "cared for" by two robotic mothers. One was made of hard materials, the second was made of soft materials. The monkeys became more attached to the second robot, although he did not hug them. But they could snuggle up to him, feeling soft and warm.

What is the value of hugs? Why are they human? The answer comes from a series of psychological experiments. Tactile contact with a loved one reduces the intensity of fear. It is no coincidence that we grab a friend's hand when something scares us. Touch helps us cope with fear, reduces anxiety, pressure and helps to survive stress. I think that everyone who had to go through a loss was looking for a native shoulder.

Recognizing the value of tactile touch, we even introduced international holiday- Hug Day. We expanded the calendar by issuing official permission for hugs. Created another cultural simulacrum. And this is sad. Touching should remain a daily part of a fulfilling life.

People are not animals. We have codes of communication, there are reasonable models of behavior, there are elementary rules security. We have what we really need. A touch is not something that is casually handed out to the right and left. We know its value. And yet we are very suspicious of him. Men, unlike women, doubly so.

A person cannot feel all the colors of life without tactile contact. But culture and gender stereotypes teach us to display touch primarily in the sexual plane. We rob ourselves and the people we love. So is it any wonder that The Snuggery's business has been quite successful?

P.S. I wanted to end with something like a positive "I hug everyone." But ... we can do without holiday fireworks. I confess that gender stereotypes have not bypassed me either. In general, hug more often (it's worth it) and "be healthy to me"

brw.md

10 step rule in relationship psychology

Everyone enjoys being noticed. Tactile contact is an integral part of any close interaction. Of course, business relationships are unlikely to imply strong hugs, but friendly meetings, as a rule, cannot do without them. Each person, one way or another, wants to feel needed, in demand and understood.

Tactile-visual contact helps build trust between partners, teaches them to be condescending and attentive. Only by looking into the eyes of the interlocutor, you can fully ascertain what feelings he is actually experiencing.

The essence of the concept

Tactile contact is a special form of interaction in which effective communication occurs between people. Agree that it is much easier to convey some important thought to a person if you touch him. It is very pleasant for any of us to be appreciated, to express our feelings with the help of strong handshakes.

What does tactile contact mean? Most often, with its help, people express their emotions aimed at a specific interlocutor. The desire to take by the hand, to stroke is connected with the need for understanding, which we all need so much. If a person is absolutely indifferent to another, then he will never, under any pretext, touch him. Closed people, as a rule, avoid tactile contact and are afraid to show it.

Feeling safe

Look at the woman holding the baby in her arms. She just glows with happiness! She is not afraid of any obstacles, she is not afraid of the prospect of losing individual prospects. A mother always sacrifices something for her baby: work, time, relationships with friends.

In the arms of the mother, the baby feels protected from all adversity. Her tender palms will lull him, caress him. It is tactile contact that provides the child with a sense of security from everything in the world. This is the most powerful weapon in the world against any antisocial acts. It has been noticed that many illegal acts are committed only because no one cared about such individuals in childhood. Mother's love creates the child's soul, forms his trust in the whole world around him.

If a mother does not devote enough time and attention to her offspring, then there is a great chance of forming a person who is unsociable, aggressive or withdrawn. No one can replace a mother's love for her child. One can only guess how lonely and unwanted orphans feel.

Manifestation of love

When we touch another person, it is as if we are saying to him: “I care about you.” The one who loves, necessarily strives to show his affection not only in words. How can you express your feelings? A look or a touch. The tactile contact of a man and a woman implies a deep feeling of each other at all levels. Sometimes it is enough to look into the eyes and say a kind word, otherwise only gentle handling and tactile warmth will help. We all want to feel loved and cared for.

Expression of confidence

In fact, we only allow ourselves to be touched by people we can fully trust. And this is by no means accidental. This is how our psychology works. Tactile contact is a very important and significant thing in everyone's life, so it should not be avoided or tried to be repelled. There are people who really do not like to hug, even with loved ones. Such manifestations testify precisely to the fact that not everything is so smooth in their life, there are internal problems and contradictions in interaction.

Trust is expressed through free tactile touches, strokes. To take a person by the hand means to show him special warmth, spiritual closeness, a desire to help. If we want to comfort a friend or relative, we hug them. And this almost always has a positive effect on a person, allows him to calm down. The fact is that hugs open the heart, help restore intimacy, trust, if for some reason they were lost.

Relationships between spouses

The interaction of husband and wife is a special moment that causes many different disputes. Family conflicts are the strongest in terms of impact. It is believed that it is in relationships with the dearest people that we learn important life lessons, without which our personality would not have fully taken place. After all, no one can be happy alone. It always requires the participation of a partner, the presence of a deep relationship with him. And here you can not do without tactile contact.

Spouses like no one else know each other. It's not just about the individual character, manners, habits. Each of us has our own weaknesses, ailments, and then being near a loved one can affect our condition and attitude.

Sexual interaction

Tactile contact with a man necessarily includes touch. When two people decide to dedicate their lives to each other, over time they know well what their partner likes and know how to guess his mood. Physical intimacy is impossible without a huge sense of trust in relation to the spouse. Both man and woman are equally in need of sincere love. But not everyone, unfortunately, knows how to properly express their emotions. Everyone wants to feel important and loved.

Rescue from stress

When you come home after a long day of work, it is so nice to realize that a loving family is waiting for you. A hot dinner, a manifestation of attention and care - that's what a partner is waiting for. With the help of tactile contact, you can get rid of stress, find peace of mind, relieve yourself of the burden of problems and fatigue. Nothing invigorates a person so much as the realization that someone needs him, his opinion is valuable in itself and important.

Tactile contact is a real salvation from stress. When we touch a person, he always feels how important he is in our life. Even the relationship of friends and girlfriends can be very close if there is a place for mutual hugs and pats on the back. Sometimes colossal support is required, and here tactile contact is clearly indispensable. The more emotions we learn to show in life, the easier it will be for us to build interaction with other people.

Nobody likes cold and indifferent people for whom to say an extra word is a problem. Everyone wants to feel a certain support and protection from those who are constantly nearby. Any relationship is built on mutual trust and common interests. It is hard to imagine that friends will endure a nervous, quick-tempered person next to them, from whom only troubles come.

Instead of a conclusion

Tactile contact is present in almost all forms of interpersonal interaction. The deeper and better the relationship between people, the more handshakes, hugs and a completely conscious intention to be next to each other in their communication. Often, self-confidence is formed in a person directly under the influence of how significant he feels in the company of relatives, friends, colleagues and, of course, family. Happiness depends on the circumstance that allows the individual to fully express his feelings.

In this article, we will consider what tactile contact of a newborn with mother is, what it is for, why this contact is necessary for both mother and child.

Why tactile contact for a child and mother

We will consider and medical reasons, and psychological.

• Tactile contact with the mother normalizes the body temperature of the newborn.
• Normalizes heart rate and blood pressure.
• The baby's blood sugar level rises.
• Calms the child, gives him a sense of security.
• The level of stress hormones in the child's blood decreases.
• The baby's body is colonized by the mother's bacteria (this is useful).
• Easier to fix.

On the experience of nursing premature babies, it was noted that children who were in contact with their parents (and mom and dad) more often, “skin to skin”, gained weight better, digested food easier.

It is more likely that at the first attempts at breastfeeding, the baby will take the breast correctly, suck out more milk (thereby facilitating the onset of the breastfeeding process).

In addition, if the baby immediately takes the breast correctly, then the mother is more likely to "stay with intact nipples."

• The child (this is verified) cries much less. We can say that he, if nothing hurts, does not cry at all. This gives mom the opportunity to feel pleasant emotions from motherhood "right now."
• From tactile contact (as well as from breastfeeding), the mother releases the hormones prolactin and oxytocin, the hormones of happiness and love. That is, nature is so conceived that the mother holds the baby more in her arms, and is happy about it.
• Many young mothers complain that they cannot sleep normally, as they jump up all the time to the child who. Dear mothers Have pity on yourself and your child! If the baby sleeps in your arms and wakes up as soon as you put him in the crib - isn't this a call to action J? Put the child on yourself, or, or on the stomach of your husband - as convenient, and sleep. Believe me, the whole family will not jump anywhere and will sleep normally.

Example. I woke up with my first child at night, by the hour, took him, fed him, then walked for 20 minutes, holding him in a column and rocking him, and then put him in the crib. And even that was sometimes very hard, and I didn't get enough sleep. At the same time, I did not work (I was on maternity leave). And with the second child, I just “lived with him”, we slept, fed, I constantly held him in my arms or in a sling, or just next to me. At the same time, I worked (at home), and did not turn off the work process for a single day. And I can say that I felt much more rested and full of energy. Despite two already children, work and a child in her arms. I slept well, the baby (I have such an impression) practically did not cry at all. When my son's teeth were actively erupting, I “moved” with him to the floor for several nights, and slept there, it was more convenient, because he was applied to the chest almost all night. Both I and the rest of the family slept peacefully at that time, as the child was next to me and did not worry.

• It happens that the mother has interruptions in the production of milk. And in these cases, bodily contact between mother and child is also of great importance. If you constantly hold the baby, stroke it, put it on yourself “skin to skin”, swim with it, then the pauses in lactation pass faster, or they don’t happen at all.
• Normally established tactile contact contributes to the fact that the mother begins to understand the child better and better, to feel him. And the more mutual understanding, the more happiness and joy motherhood brings.
• It is noted that in babies who are stroked and worn, various diseases (colds, for example) are easier to pass.

Example. I myself was surprised to note this fact. The eldest child went to kindergarten, just at the time when the youngest was aged 1-3 months. And often the elder "dragged" all sorts of sores from the garden. And the “illness” of the younger one developed something like this: a day of temperature, about 38-39. At this time, I kept him all the time “with me” and gave breasts at the slightest request. The child ate and fell asleep. So a day or so passed, and that's it. In this way, apparently, he overcame the virus and returned to normal.

• You need to understand that for 9 months the child stayed in mother's belly, in complete safety and security. And the first task of the mother after childbirth is to restore this feeling in the child. Only next to the mother (in her arms, at her side, on her mother’s chest) will the child again feel protected and safe.
• Scientists argue that it is important to give the newborn a first sense of trust in the world. And this is easiest to do when the child immediately gets to his mother and constantly stays with her.
• It happens that because of a difficult birth, for example, a mother is so debilitated that she is simply not happy with everything that happens. She does all the necessary manipulations with the child, but tries to keep communication to a minimum. And in this case, the advice is the same: take the child more often and keep it next to you (lying), or in your arms. Touch it more, put the baby on yourself (preferably skin to skin). All this is necessary for both the baby and the mother. It is tactile contact that will start the production of the necessary “happy” hormones, and will help in establishing breastfeeding. And the mother herself will not notice how she will be transferred from the state of “everything is very, very bad” to the happy world of motherhood.

Tie the baby to you in, if your back health allows, use it. The baby wants to be constantly in your arms.

How to make tactile contact

There is nothing difficult in constant tactile contact. These are not some special far-fetched actions, but simply ordinary and understandable activities with the child.

I will give the main examples of actions.

What happens without tactile contact

As you know, a newborn child does not feel time at all. There is no "minute" or "five minutes" for him. For him, all these segments are experienced as a real eternity. Please remember this when "kind" advisers will tell you something like: "well, he will cry for a minute, why are you rushing to him", or "cry - it will be better to sleep", and similar nonsense.

The baby is bad without a mother, bad alone. And besides the fact that he feels bad, he is also not able to estimate how badly this will last in time.

For a child, every time “mother is gone forever and will not return.” He has yet to get used to the fact that his mother is coming. And the process of "addiction" will stretch up to six months for sure. Therefore, leaving a child alone is stressful for the baby.

Note. I would like to dwell a little more on the advice “let him cry”. It is usually claimed that after crying, the child will "sleep well and soundly." Frankly, this is complete nonsense. The child does not calm down, but simply falls asleep without strength, he simply cannot cry anymore. And then, in his sleep, he still sobs and shudders. Have you ever wondered why baby crying is so hard to bear? As an option, precisely because it is not needed, and just the same, it is impossible, it is forbidden by nature to endure (endure, not react). Can't ignore crying small child, he does not indulge, does not manipulate, he is really bad without his mother.

You have been with him for all nine months, let him get used to the fact that he is already separate, and get used to it comfortably.

Already less and less (fortunately) there are tips not to pick up a child, since “you will teach him to handle” and “spoil him”. Enough has already been written about it, and a sufficient number of studies have shown that a child who has enough parental love and attention, it is much easier to “let go” of parents when the time comes. The child is sure that his mother is nearby, everything is fine, and calmly moves away from his parents, he can play by himself. The kid is more confident, calmer, more cheerful. Even just by watching the children on the playground, you can see (unfortunately) which kid parents give enough tactile contact, and which do not.

Children differ greatly, by about a year this is clearly visible. Babies who are "kept in tactile isolation" are likely to be fed by the clock or not at all - these babies move differently. They are less confident. Unfortunately, they often fight, push. Thus, by the way, children make up for the "deficiency of touches." If there is little tactile contact, then the child will try to contact other children, but he still does not know how to really play, hence the pushing.

Scientists say that being with mom is an innate need for a child. This is not a sign of "spoiledness" and not a consequence of the fact that the child was "accustomed to the hands." It is an inner need inherent in all human children, without exception. Some kids are just more demanding than others.

Try to accept this feature of your child. Think about who needs this relative "convenience", which is still customary to brag about: "my child eats and sleeps by the clock, took from the crib, fed, and put it back down." You can raise a child in tactile isolation, and take him in your arms "on holidays." But why do this? By arranging for yourself a comfortable regimen for a maximum of six months, what will you achieve in the long term?

It will turn out to be an unloved and unkind child, traumatized in the very first days of his birth. And no one will say how exactly such a child will compensate for what was not given to him. After all, this is a separate human being, and you are responsible for his “start” in this world. Life is already a difficult thing, and our opinion is that a child should be allowed into it with a supply of love and affection.

It is important to remember (and respond to various "advisers") that by carrying a child in our arms, we do not "spoil" him, but develop him. We give food to his organs of perception, “show” him our life and activities, teach him to “stay in society”.

To fully understand how important tactile contact is for a child, one can cite orphanage children as an example. After all, they have all the care (except for very sad cases). That is, they are fed, diapers changed, dressed in clean clothes. They have toys. But no one wears them on their hands, as mom would do. And children who are absolutely healthy initially, by the age of one, are already beginning to lag in development. And all the neurological diagnoses that are possible appear. I understand that the example of orphanage children shows the most extreme, these children grow up without tactile contact at all, without love and affection. But it clearly shows what the lack of tactile contact leads to.

Combine business with pleasure, give your baby a little massage with help, use gentle baths with high-quality and. The baby so needs your caresses and care now.

Note. Return of food and cosmetics is possible only if the packaging is intact.

It is very important to correctly refer to the recommendations "the child must." For example, for some reason, he “should” fall asleep on his own at the age of 7-9 months. And that's kind of a stumbling block. “Is yours already sleeping by itself? How does he fall asleep? Rocking on your hands? Nightmare, you spoiled him completely!” If young parents are bombarded with such "advice" from all sides, they may try to retrain their child. And they will receive instead of a calm "tame" child crying in a crib. Think, is it worth it? Is it worth torturing yourself and your child just to "boast" of his skill? According to scientific research, a child at 7-9 months old (although already quite old) only forms the image of his mother, and does not yet store it in memory. Therefore, the baby still needs to feel his mother around.

It is not enough to take care of the child and feed him. He needs to be hugged, stroked, loved and shown his love. This has already been proven to develop the child's skills, his cognitive abilities, and stimulate the brain in general. Mom's touch causes the child to produce hormones necessary for growth and development.

The saddest thing is that a teenager, and then an adult, grows out of a baby who was tactilely “underfed”. And the "tactile lack" does not go anywhere, it remains with the person. The child can develop certain skills "how to distract" from tactile hunger. This is usually food (sweets), or requests / demands for toys, and so on, up to compensation with alcohol and drugs. After all, it is unbearable for a child to feel not loved enough, he will definitely try to compensate for this.

From here, from early childhood“kind” of such unpleasant things is overeating (eating), a tendency to strange (destructive) contacts and relationships, a tendency to destructive behavior, unwillingness and impossibility of normal contact with the world. Think for yourself, if a baby grows up with the feeling that the most important person, mother, does not love him (does not hug, she is not around), then what can be the expectations from the rest of the world as a whole?

Note. In preparing this article, I read the blog of a fairly well-known mother of many children. She has nine children, six of whom are adopted. Her notes about how orphanage children change when they get into a home environment are very interesting. She celebrated this with all the adopted children. When a child was just taken from the orphanage, he, as a rule, has an uneven head, all the time pursed toes, in general, general muscle tightness. And right before our eyes, just from gentle touches (she carried children in a sling, stroked all the time), most of the manifestations are “smoothed out”. The head is leveled, the foot and fingers are straightened, even strabismus returns to normal. This is just a visual demonstration. healing power loving touch.

Unfortunately, children who are not stroked by their parents are little hugged. Already by the year you can simply visually distinguish who "enough" tactile contact, and who is clearly lacking. Why do I write "unfortunately"? Because it's so easy to show your love to a child with a touch. It does not require any huge costs. And this simple action gives so much to both the child and the parents.

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We present the seventeenth edition of our new project: a mini-interview with a psychotherapist "Ask Dr. Naritsyn". An explanatory post about what it is, as well as for receiving questions from readers, is located.
A - plans for the next calculations.

The topic of today's issue is "Tactile contact and kinesthetics". Questions asked by the user cinober .

N.N.:- Speaking of physical contact, it is important to remember that this way of interaction is typical for many pack animals. As a rule, it serves to additionally confirm the "belonging of the individual to the pack." In animals that have freed forelimbs, physical contact can be especially important: for example, mutual grooming is often used as a sign of trust and closeness.

And on the other hand, if we talk about physical contact from the position not of society (flock), but of the individual, then such contact is almost always, oddly enough, a kind of antonym of freedom and the preservation of personal boundaries. What's more, for many animals, physical contact sometimes means they're about to be eaten. That is why it is so important that tactile communication is equally pleasant for both parties, and neither side perceives it as violence, restriction of freedom or unauthorized encroachment on personal boundaries. Because physical contact can be a confirmation of the psychological closeness of people, but pay attention! - not its replacement and not its beginning. Therefore, it is important that during physical contact, as they say, "there is something to confirm." By the way, you can easily notice that the attitude to tactile contacts is not only different for different people, but also not the same in relation to different people around. For example, you let one person into your house, and another - for nothing; in the same way, sometimes you really want to let someone into personal boundaries, but categorically not for someone. And yet, speaking of physical contact, one should clarify this subtlety: such contacts are very different. Here, for example, take by the hand - physical contact? Undoubtedly. Hug? Kiss? Tickle? Give in the ear? Does it hurt to pull your hair? Unscrew a button from a jacket? And so on and so forth.

One of the rather difficult cases of disharmony in a relationship is a situation where partners in a pair have different needs for tactile contacts. Therefore, it is desirable, before starting a life together, to discuss, among other things, the need of each of the partners in non-verbal communication. But we will touch on this issue in more detail below.

- Are there people who do not feel the need for tactile contact or feel a negligible need? And if they do, how often and are there any types to which this is most characteristic? Are there signs by which you can calculate that a person does not like physical contact, and is not shy?

N.N.:- Of course, such people exist: at least due to the high variability of human characters and personality structures. But in this case, it is probably worth talking not so much about the types of "loving or not loving physical contact", but about situations and specific relationships. Because, as mentioned above, often the attitude towards physical contact depends on the degree of closeness of the relationship of specific people.

Yes, it also happens that for some person the need for tactile communication is higher, for someone it is lower: this may depend on many factors. For example, on whether a person is a city dweller or a rural dweller, on the specifics of upbringing and traditions in the parental family, on character traits, on possible psychological trauma in relation to tactile communication, etc. and so on. And the most difficult thing is that not a single person, roughly speaking, has it immediately written on his forehead whether he likes tactile contacts or not. Therefore, within the framework of ordinary formal politeness, it is customary to a priori consider physical contact as a way of communication for already fairly close people, and not for those who have just met. That is, by default - do not impose any tactile touches on the interlocutor outside the framework of formally accepted communication (for example, the same handshake). And the less formal your relationship with a person is, the more intimate your physical contact can be.

And regarding the question "How to figure out that a person doesn't like physical contact" - speaking on the fingers, then it's very easy to calculate: if you use tactile communication in relation to this person, it means that de facto you are already close enough to ask him such a question verbally. And if your closeness is not enough for this, then for the time being it is better not to impose physical contact on him in excess of the generally accepted norms of politeness.

- Is it true that there are often people who want physical contact, but are afraid, and in addition to this they also have intimophobia (that is, fear of any close relationship, not sex and not marriage). How to understand that such a character is in front of you?

N.N.:- If you are afraid of the presence of intimophobia in the character of a person in the understanding you have stated, if this becomes relevant to you, then you intend to build one or another close relationship with him. Because if such a relationship with someone is irrelevant to you, then theoretically it will not matter to you whether he has intimophobia or not. So, at the stage of building close relationships, you can also either "ask in words" or observe reactions. And if you take all sorts of steps to establish psychological intimacy, but this is what provokes your partner (partner) not to get close to you, but rather move away from you, then there is a high probability that the person has intimophobia. Although there is also a certain percentage of probability that for some reason he (she) does not intend to build a close relationship specifically with you. But be that as it may, I suppose the reason is not so important here. You go towards a person - he moves away from you. This is his decision, and sometimes it is not so important what caused it.

- Do people with a frustrated need for physical contact really enjoy petting cats, dogs, and anyone else who doesn't run away or bite? And is a great love for petting cats a sign that the character likes petting people too?

N.N.:- I had to meet the point of view of ethologists that people are descended from monkeys, monkeys have hair and therefore it is so pleasant for people to touch everything woolen and fluffy. Anyway, I don't think it's that simple here; and the love of stroking cats and dogs, I guess, does not always mean a frustrated need for physical contact. At least because stroking animals and people is not the same thing. In addition, it often happens that a person likes to stroke some dogs or cats, but not others. Here, too, everything is very selective.

- How many kinesthetics are there in the world, how often does this defect occur in men and women? How to understand if your "appetites" fit within the normal range, or are you just a kinesthetic? :)

N.N.:- Here, for starters, as they say, let's drink to the accuracy of the wording. The division of all people according to the mode of their preferred channel of perception - into auditory, visual and kinesthetic - refers to only one psychological theory: to be honest, it is doubtful in relation to one hundred percent division of all people into these three groups. But even if you consider yourself a kinesthetic - in the first place, who told you that this is a defect? Touch is the same sense as sight, and hearing, and all the rest; and kinesthetic, if we speak in this language, the same variant of the norm as auditory and visual. Secondly, do not confuse the tactile way of getting information about the world around you with the need for physical contact. And thirdly, regarding physical contact, everything that both adults and able-bodied people like will be a variant of the norm.

I would venture to suggest: you think that you have "an abnormally increased need for physical contact with the interlocutor", and you decided that you are a kinesthetic and this is such a defect. If only because for this need you have already received negative reviews more than once. However, the attraction to tactile contact may not be caused at all by the “preferred way of perceiving the world”, but, for example, by some kind of internal anxiety, or a lack of tactile impressions in childhood, or some other unconscious problem, which is completely corrected (if this prevents you from adequately existing, communicating, etc.). And there is no need to label yourself "I am a kinesthetic and therefore I am defective."

- Can a cunning kinesthetic person make a partner also like hugs / strokes / other touches in order to use him for his dirty purposes? :) Or do you need to immediately look for your own kind? Is it possible to reduce one's own need for tactile contact, and how?

N.N.:- Here, most likely, at the beginning of the question, we have the opportunity to communicate with your inner Parent (according to Eric Berne). This Parent has already made an assessment of kinesthetics - that he is insidious, and defined the goals as dirty (smiley smiley, but there is some truth in every joke). This is a very common Parental reaction: "You get in trouble from someone - you misbehave - you are bad." And then it runs into a dead end, because it does not imply any further development, except perhaps a sense of guilt. Therefore, one of the most important actions in introspection of any problem is to get out of the pressure of the Parent, start to reason from the position of the Adult - analytically, predictively, balancedly - and not offend your inner Child: feelings, emotions, unconscious needs (including your personal need for tactile contact). Alas, it is not always easy to do such an analysis on your own: but here a counseling psychotherapist can be useful.

And as for the question "How to make your partner like hugs, stroking and other touches" - it's not easy, but it's theoretically possible. First of all, it is important to be patient, not to rush, not to push your partner. Move towards each other gradually, focusing not on tactile contact as such, but on creating the actual psychological closeness in itself and at the same time showing respect for the personal boundaries of the partner. In general, there is such a correlation: the more a person’s personal boundaries were violated in childhood, the less he was able to protect them - the more jealously he guards them in adulthood, and the less willingly he lets other people in. And he usually makes exceptions for the person who will become a close and trusted person for him. And the more you respect his personal boundaries as such a person, the more trust in you will gradually appear.