Sometimes men drift away at the beginning of a relationship. Male psychology in love and relationships
Surely all of you have more than once come across men who, even in the closest and most wonderful relationships, strive to keep a safe, from their point of view, distance, diligently avoiding that intimacy to which a woman aspires. Why is this happening? Who is to blame? Are you or a man? And can this distance be shortened somehow?
Let's start with at what point in the relationship a man begins to show you this very distance. If we are talking only about the very beginning of your novel, then perhaps the reason is that one of the heroes of the series "Sex in big city"Very precisely formulated as follows:" You did not hook him! That is, he showed interest in you, but nothing more. And if you don’t get hooked, then you shouldn’t count on any special spiritual intimacy! In this case, his distance is simply evidence of minimal interest. Of course, you can try to warm up this interest somehow. There are women who have reached truly sky-high heights in this art. But such efforts are worth only very outstanding specimens. If your new acquaintance does not belong to those the topic is closed! Let's go further.
Alas, but then everything is not so easy. Because if a relationship with a man who constantly (or from time to time) communicates with you at a distance, you have already been dragged out, you are practically doomed to endless experiences and searches for answers to eternal question: "Why???".
Here you need to very clearly understand which of the two types below your man belongs to:
1. He is practically constantly keep this same distance, keeping you, so to speak, at a distance outstretched hand. That is, of course, periodically this distance slightly decreases (as a rule, during sex), but very quickly he moves away from you again.
2. Periodically, he lets you very close without any problems and is capable of very sincere conversations and confessions. That is, problems with maintaining distance only arise from time to time, for example, after you have spent quite a lot of time together, or after talking too frankly.
If your man belongs to the first type, then the most best advice who can give you run away from him. Of course, if you do not belong to the same type as him, and also do not avoid intimacy in every possible way. If you are a two-boot pair then no problem! But if your own need in proximity is much more than it, then you are unlikely to be able to achieve true harmony in relationships and become happy. Psychologists call this "different levels of intimacy" and believe that such disharmony is the culprit in almost half of the disintegrating marriages. Of course, if two people love each other, but at the same time have different views about what real intimacy is, they have some chance to live happily with each other all their lives. But only if both are capable of discussing their problems and of constant (all their lives!) mutual compromises. However, there is also good news there are not so many men who are so pathologically afraid of close relationships. There are much more of those who need to maintain a distance in a relationship from time to time. Here we will talk about them.
So, most of the men, fortunately, are quite adapted to normal and permanent close relationships with women. It’s just that they, unlike us, sooner or later (for everyone this frequency is very individual) begins to want to be alone with their thoughts, somewhat moving away from a woman, albeit a very beloved one. American psychologist John Gray in his acclaimed book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" very accurately compared such men with elastic band. Periodically pulling back, sooner or later they return to their original position.
I’ll make a reservation right away that the situation will not be discussed here when a very real crisis sets in in the relationship of two people and the distance is connected precisely with it. There is nothing special to discuss here.
But why is he “pulled off” when everything is absolutely wonderful? Psychologists believe that the whole point is in the imperishable (even against the background of the strong love!) the male need for independence and autonomy. Some have it more, some have less, and its manifestations are very different for everyone. But everyone has this need. Takova male nature! To experience the need for love and women's care, a man just needs to move away from her a little. And then he may again experience a burning need to be near her. With the help of this kind of "self-regulation", he maintains interest in a partner at a constant level and avoids the inevitable fatigue from each other that occurs when people communicate. for a long time. In him, automatically, in addition to his will and desire, two needs alternate: intimacy and independence. The fact is that in contact with a partner, a man to some extent loses himself, his self. inner harmony, for some time to be responsible only for himself.
The most incomprehensible thing for a woman is how, after several days (or maybe weeks) of almost complete indifference and lack of interest in her, he suddenly becomes loving and attentive again at one moment. Women, moving away from a partner, for one reason or another, usually with great difficulty and for a very long time restore relations at the same level.
But let's move from theory to practice. What should a woman do if her beloved, who just yesterday after some 10 minutes after parting, sent an SMS “I miss you!”, suddenly disappears without a trace? The first, most important and, alas, the most difficult to implement do not panic! How exactly to do this is not clear, but in a state of panic, you will certainly not be able to reason sensibly and will probably make a lot of mistakes. If, nevertheless, you managed to pull yourself together, you should remember the “rule of four NOT»:
1. NOT look for reasons for this male behavior in yourself, in your words and actions.
2. NOT admit even the thought that he fell out of love with you.
3. NOT try to chase him.
4. NOT to punish a man (for example, by not wanting a new rapprochement) when his need for a “draw” passes.
If you manage to follow these tips, psychologists guarantee that such zigzags in relationships will not only not spoil them, but, on the contrary, will bring a new fresh stream. And in the end, both you and your man will be happy!
And the distance... Maybe sometimes it's not so bad! After all, it's not random. folk wisdom, What best husbands these are sea captains!
The relationship between a man and a woman is very interesting. Each relationship is unique in its own way, and at the same time there is a certain similarity in them, which can be explained by the fact that men and women have qualities common to their sex. So, for example, one of the most common complaints of the fair sex is that the partner periodically moves away and behaves as if there was no emotional intimacy. Any woman can tell about how a man at the very moment when, it would seem, the relationship was at its peak and gave pleasure to both, suddenly completely changed, became silent and inattentive, and it was impossible to “stir up” him in any way.
woman in similar situation literally losing ground under their feet. She does not know at all what caused such a change and begins to look for the cause in herself. The first thought that arises in her is: “I offended him with something.” She rushes after her beloved, trying to return the relationship to its previous level. However, the more persistent she is in her attempts, the faster the partner moves away without trying to explain the reason for such behavior. The woman begins to panic, fearing that the relationship is broken completely and will never be the same.
It's not surprising that women painfully perceive such behavior of men. The fact is that they themselves emotionally move away from their partner only if they are offended or feelings for him have passed. Naturally, they attribute their own reactions to the partner and mistakenly believe that he wants to break off the relationship. And they are quite surprised when, after a while, the partner “returns”, still the same attentive and loving.
The reason for this male behavior lies in the fact that two aspirations struggle in it: independence and intimacy. Having fallen in love with a woman, a man strives to be as close as possible to her and actively seeks attention and location. But at some point, having reached a certain critical point, a man feels that he literally dissolves in his partner, losing his own individuality. Then a man can sharply move away from her in order to come to his senses and become himself again. After a man regains himself, he easily returns to the previous level of relationship, which puts his partner in a dead end, because she needs some time to return to the same level.
Such cyclical changes in a man's behavior are quite natural for him and you should not try to change him in any way. Therefore, for a woman, the main thing is to take it for granted and learn to adapt to her partner. First of all, you need to learn not to panic when a woman sees that a man has become “not like that” again and tries to move away from her. You should take this as another round in their relationship and have no doubt that after a while the man will definitely “return”. Certainly, it is difficult for a woman to survive a sharp emotional cooling, but if she understands that this does not mean at all that the partner has stopped loving her, but is a temporary “respite” for him, it will be easier for her to perceive this situation.
Also don't try to keep him, this will lead to a completely opposite result. How stronger woman tries to "return" the man, the further the man moves away from her. No matter how incomprehensible this part of male nature is, you need to come to terms with it and adjust to it. During this period, you should not discuss your feelings with a man, it is better to wait until the moment when the relationship returns to its previous level, and he can “accept” them.
Another feature of men is their amazing ability, after a temporary cooling off, to return to relationships again at the level at which they “left” them. The representatives of the stronger sex do not need time to restore them, or get used to the partner again. Here, a man must already show patience and wisdom in relation to his beloved, remembering that a woman cannot become as quickly as she was before a temporary cooling off between partners. But this period of getting to know each other again can be very enjoyable for them and add novelty and romance to the relationship.
The relationship between a man and a woman is mysterious and very interesting!
Do you agree with the fact that men are characterized by some "cyclicality" in relation to their partner? Have you mentioned it to your partner? Share your opinion with us, we will definitely post it on our website.
Why do men distance themselves? This question interests many women. Perhaps the most main reason is that they are weaklings and cowards.
However, this reason alone is not enough for women. They want to know something deeper, more specific. But, for example, the phrase "This is not your fault, the whole problem is in me", perhaps, is not complete nonsense. Maybe this is the deeper and more specific reason? Here are some of the most common reasons.
you risk
You risk for him. If he wants to be around you, who knows what will happen. Yes, not much can happen, but for men it is very important. Maybe he sees how amazing you are and understands that he can ruin your life. A man realizes that you deserve better.
While women can deal with these feelings, men cannot. They are afraid to lose loved one and it makes them not go after the girl who is perfect for them.
He feels the pressure
Men can't handle the pressure. They immediately get worried. This is true. If you want to ask him to propose to you or meet your parents, stop. It will only ruin everything.
What you need to do is calm down and wait a bit. A man needs extra time to think through everything in detail. So, stop putting pressure on him and let him make his own decisions.
He is very tired
The representatives of the stronger sex work hard and, accordingly, they get tired. At the end of the day, they need rest. Many women do not understand this and begin to swear, reproach, and so on. The man can't stand the pressure and runs away. If you are familiar with this, reconsider your behavior. Your task is to help him relax, not spoil the mood.
They have no one else to chase
Men love to stalk, and they are best at chasing women. It's all a game. Now that you're together, the persecution is over, because he won. But now he is bored. In addition, he also knows that you will always be there no matter what. So, he moves away from you, because he is now bored, the job is done. You will need to make sure that these relationships exist at all. Perhaps the game is already over?
He is not sure that you are exactly the one he has been looking for for so long.
Why do men distance themselves? They are just not sure. Girls fall in love with guys, give them all their love, and in response they hear that they are not sure that she is the one. Yes, it's really stupid.
Many girls have been in this situation. Yes, it's painful and unpleasant, but that's life. Don't dwell on it, you need to move on.
You weren't his priority.
Yes, it is unpleasant to realize, but he simply did not take you and your feelings seriously. Of course, he liked to chat and have sex with you, but for him it was not something important. Just lust and nothing more. If he has never taken you seriously or is considering you as a fallback, you need to get that person out of your life as soon as possible.
He just wants to end the relationship
Many girls, unfortunately, have gone through this. Everything starts with small things. First he stops kissing you, then he doesn't care how your day went. Refuses to have sex, disappears nowhere. Gradually, all these little things overlap each other and turn into a big lump. Then conflicts begin, and he decides that you need to leave.
He has another woman
This is usually another important reason, according to which men first move away, and then just leave. They get weird and act suspicious. For example, he will become secretive, stop touching you and not want to have sex. If your man refuses sex, this is a clear reason that he has another woman. Before you start playing guessing, just have the courage to ask him about it. It's better to end this relationship as soon as possible.
He does not feel needed, but rather, obliged
The representatives of the stronger sex want to feel desired and needed, right? Just like women who want attention and affection. Now that someone stops feeling needed and starts feeling obligated, everything changes. Needless to say, nothing good will come of it. That's the way we are in this life.
You are sailing on completely different waves
Maybe he doesn't see a future in your relationship. Meanwhile, you are preparing to introduce him to his family. Do you understand what in question V this case? You two are not on the same page, so to speak. And if he moves away from you ahead of time, this may be the reason that he is not ready for serious relationship. He is not ready for a family and children. If that's really the case, you'd better let him go.
There is no more passion between you
If he moves away from you and you only have sex on holidays, this suggests that there is no longer passion in the relationship. No, this does not mean that you are terrible or something is wrong with you. The whole problem is that between you there is no more passion, spark.
Many women think they are the problem. They think they are no longer attractive, but they are wrong. It's just that your partner's emotions have changed, and he no longer regards you as a potential partner.
Something is bothering him
Maybe it's not even related to you. Maybe he had a fight with his mom or at his work serious problems. The fact is that men are often bad interlocutors. Any information from them has to be pulled out with ticks. So it can't have anything to do with you. However, they are too busy experiencing their emotions, closing in on themselves. Thus, while you harass and blame yourself for all the sins, he closes in himself and is silent. All you need is to sit down and have a heart to heart talk.
Now that you know why men drift away, it's time for you to sit down and talk to your partner about what went wrong, whose fault it is, and how you can figure it all out to get your relationship back. First of all, you need to do this for yourself. Just understand one thing: why be in a relationship with someone who only brings you pain? Appreciate yourself, because you deserve the best!
He disappears, then appears. Either he confesses his love, then he becomes cold. The expert explained to WMJ.ru what is the reason and how to live with it.
Irina Gavrilova-Dempsey
My clients often tell stories about men who either move closer to themselves or move away. All of these conversations are more or less the same:
“I noticed that as soon as I start to become attached to a partner, he loses interest in me. Why? Do you really need to always keep your finger on the pulse, be inaccessible, play a role snow queen? Does he really only want to achieve, but is he not interested in simple calm relationships?
“I have had many romances, and almost all relationships end the same way. I slowly become attached, and in the beginning I don't care at all about his words and advances. But water wears away a stone, signs of attention do their job, I open up to love and ... It somehow immediately goes out and no longer seeks to conquer me. At this moment, it’s as if we are changing roles, and it begins to seem to me that I am being imposed on him.
I get offended, I lose my peace, I think and analyze too much. Then I get tired of the worries and because I have to take the initiative all the time. In the end, I decide to end the relationship.
There may be several reasons why such situations arise.
Reason number 1: you are afraid of love in advance
There is already a belief in your unconscious that as soon as you open up and start trusting a person, he loses interest in you. This belief was formed not after unsuccessful novels, but in early childhood. As a result, either you really find such men, or you build your own behavior in such a way that it leads to a sad outcome: the more you become attached to your partner, the more sensitive you become to his manifestations of love and attention.
Due to the fact that you perceive everything too sharply and are too afraid of changes in the feelings of a man, your nerves become like naked wires that react to any touch. And now a flying fly seems to you like an elephant.
But there is nothing surprising in the fact that, having felt your love, the partner relaxes. He will no longer call so often, confess to passionate feelings and serenades outside your house. In the end, perhaps while he was standing under the windows, he had accumulated a lot of important things, and it's time to put them in order. Or he himself was afraid of the seriousness of the relationship, feeling that he was not yet ready to take on obligations. There are a million potential reasons, and it is unlikely that you will be able to understand what exactly happened, but you do not need to do this.
After all, in love there are always periods of reboot and rest from each other. If it weren't for your fears and insecurities, you wouldn't pay much attention and follow your boyfriend's every move and breath. And it would be easier to look at him, not looking for problems where there are none.
But in fairness, it is important to note that the reverse situation also happens - a woman does not notice that a man has burned out for a long time and no longer loves her.
Reason #2: You are too addicted
It happens that a girl is too affectionate, and a man is vital for her - like charging for a phone. Without it, it is impossible not only good mood- just yes normal life! She herself does not notice how she becomes a psychological vampire. And any vampirism leads to fatigue and exhaustion of the other side. And gives birth defensive reaction: the desire to move away, take a break, relax, be alone.
Dependent people in the first minutes always evoke good feelings and a desire to help, take care of them. What can I say - some men, in principle, like to play the role of a big and strong dad but even dad gets tired sometimes.
When your partner feels that you need his love and attention too much, he becomes afraid that he will not be able to give you as much as you expect and sometimes demand. He is afraid of the responsibility that you are trying to impose on him, making him the master of your emotions and feelings. And sometimes the possibility of a merger causes fear in him, and, as a result, unconscious attempts to move away begin.
You begin to draw energy from a man, react sharply to the slightest inattention, but give nothing in return. And this is similar to the behavior of a child who tries to be good for the sole purpose of getting the love of his mother. Your partner does not want to be only a donor, giving energy all the time, he also needs to receive, and a woman-child cannot offer anything. Her constant discontent and resentment awakens in him a sense of guilt, a feeling that he is not good enough. The only salvation from such emotions that a man cannot digest is to take a break, to close.
Reason #3: You are protecting yourself from strong feelings.
Sometimes women themselves do not see how, fearing to become dependent, they protect themselves from feelings, hide their inner affectionate child. And as a result, they demonstrate too independent behavior, which makes a man withdraw himself.
It is possible that you are so afraid of intimacy that you choose a partner who is similar to you - one who is just as fearful of relationships, and when he feels you are ready for them, he tries to flee. In this case, his reaction is simply a reflection of the same behavior of yours.
Relationships become like a game of catch-up, in which you constantly change the roles of the pursuer and the pursued. Both of you just don't know what to do when the race ends, how to contact each other, how to behave, what to talk about.
How to fix the situation?
The main rule is this: when faced with male detachment, call for help with patience and self-confidence in order to take it calmly and survive the cold period in a relationship.
Many of us are like indoor flowers who need ideal conditions for growth. But in order for love to grow from a tender plant into a large perennial tree, you need to temper your emotions and lower the threshold of sensitivity to heartache. Periods of winters in a relationship - normal phenomenon. It is impossible to burn with passion all the time. Men need freedom, so they periodically lose their spiritual contact with us - for example, they go headlong into work. Your task is to survive this suspension by switching to yourself. This is the time to get out of your addiction and remember that life is not only a relationship with your loved one.
It is possible to lower the "sensitivity threshold" only by fully experiencing the pain. Freed from it, you will stop being offended by trifles like “didn’t call”, “didn’t warn”, “late”, “forgot”. And you will begin to understand that not everything in his behavior is connected with you, that he has a personal space, as, by the way, you do, and you and your partner cannot always be crutches for each other.
Don't try to fit the other into your idea of what's right. Know how to step back, endure loneliness, then dissolve in a man and lose yourself, and then find yourself again. When necessary, focus on your favorite, and then get involved in your own affairs. Be constant, giving your partner the feeling of a solid foundation of your love, but also showing that you are not ready to be a soft Persian rug.
Get yours in order inner world and not in your relationship - and then you don't have to build happy love, it will simply appear in your life as a reflection of harmony in your soul.
Why do men sometimes start to move away from their girlfriend in a relationship? However, she herself may not understand what happened.
“I once met a girl who knew my sister and niece, and she constantly spoke badly about them. I realized that she didn't like them, and that was bad sign. If she can't respect my family, I can't respect her."
"I was only on my third date with a girl, and she started telling me all her family problems and then burst into tears. It's touching, of course, that she opened up to me, but it was more like whining. I didn't know what to do in this situation. But I definitely didn't want a fourth date."
“We went to the sea for the weekend - it was my birthday present to her. But all she did was complain about the hotel, the service, the food and the weather. As a result, we sat in the room all day and did not enjoy the sun, because she was not in the mood. It seemed to me that she simply did not appreciate my efforts, what a gift I gave her, and she did not even say “thank you”. Now she's my ex. You have to be able to appreciate people's efforts."
“For a long time I tried to roll up to a girl who continued to make herself hard to reach, even though I knew she liked me (I was told by a mutual friend). At first it was interesting, but then I got bored. Moreover, it was obvious that she was doing it on purpose. I didn't want to pursue her anymore."
“After I added her as a friend on FB, she started sending me photos of my friends tagging me, and asked what kind of girls next to me, accusing me of standing too close to them - this scared me off. Too bad, she was pretty."
“A girl once came to my house because she was “nearby” - it was lunch time. In the end, she spent the night with me, and the next day we went to have lunch at a cafe. But she never left and kept looking for an excuse to stay with me. I realized that she is very intrusive and she has no life of her own.«.
“I really liked this girl, and we were invited to one birthday party. She got drunk and started flirting with my friends. It was hard to tell who exactly she liked, because she managed to flirt with everyone. It definitely changed my opinion of her."
“I often corresponded with one girl, but then I got bored and stopped. When she asked me why, I honestly said that I had lost interest. Then she started to hysteria, send me 10 messages in a row, call names, write in the style: “You are a moron, you are all the same men, I thought you were different. I told my friends about you, now you humiliated me, I thought you would be my boyfriend. Goodbye". This is the reaction of a very immature person, I thought women liked honesty.
"I liked one girl, but she then suddenly disappeared from sight. A few months later, she changed her mind and showed up again. Although it flattered me, it seemed to me that she was indecisive, that her boyfriend might have left her, and now she came running to me. In general, I did not answer her.
"Honestly, when I start to move away from a girl, it's because I also communicate with others. I hope girls understand that if a guy is single, then he probably texts more than one girl. And when you have so many of them, over time you become less attentive and focus only on the very best. Natural selection".
“I talked with a girl who is very offended every time I did not like her new photo, she even asked me to like. I did this a few times to please her, but after a while it got annoying. I realized that she was superficial, insecure and not serious.”
“I was taking a girl to my favorite bar and some guy accidentally pushed me. She started yelling at him, making him apologize to me.. He probably didn't even know what he was doing. I realized that it would not be easy with such a lady. That was our last meeting."
