How to cope with the death of your mother or father. After the death of our parents our life becomes different

Natalya Kaptsova

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The death of a person is always an unexpected event, especially when this happens to people close and dear to us. Such a loss is a deep shock for any of us. At the moment of loss, a person begins to feel a loss of emotional connection, a deep sense of guilt and unfulfilled debt to the deceased. All these feelings are very depressing and can cause severe depression. Therefore, today we will tell you how to survive death loved one.

Death of a loved one: 7 stages of grief

Psychologists identify 7 stages of grief that all people who grieve for a deceased loved one experience. Moreover, these stages do not alternate in any specific sequence - This process is different for everyone . And since understanding what is happening to you helps you cope with grief, we want to tell you about these stages.
7 stages of grief:

1. Negation.
   "It is not true. Impossible. This couldn’t happen to me.” Fear is the main reason for denial. You are afraid of what happened, afraid of what will happen next. Your mind is trying to deny reality, you are trying to convince yourself that nothing has happened and nothing has changed in your life. Outwardly, a person in such a situation may simply look numb, or, on the contrary, fuss, actively organize funerals, and call relatives. But this does not mean that he easily experiences the loss, he just has not yet fully realized it.
   However, it should be remembered that a person who has fallen into a stupor should not be protected from the hassle associated with the funeral. Ordering funeral services and registration of all necessary documents They make you move, communicate with people, and thus help you get out of your stupor.
   There are cases when, in the stage of denial, a person completely stops perceiving the world adequately. And although this reaction is short-lived, Help to get out of this state is still necessary O. To do this, you need to talk to the person, and constantly call him by name, don’t leave him alone and try to distract him a little . But you shouldn’t console and reassure, it still won’t help.
   The denial stage is not very long. During this period, a person, as it were, prepares himself for the departure of a loved one, realizes what happened to him. And as soon as a person consciously accepts what happened, he begins to move from this stage to the next.
2. Anger, resentment, rage.
   These feelings completely capture a person and are projected onto the entire world around him. During this period, you are enough for him good people and everyone is doing everything wrong. Such a storm of emotions is caused by the feeling that everything that is happening around is a great injustice. The strength of this emotional storm depends on the person himself, and how often he splashes them out.
3. Guilt.
   A person more and more often remembers moments of communication with the deceased, and the realization comes that he paid little attention here, he spoke very sharply there. The thought “Have I done everything to prevent this death” comes to my mind more and more often? There are cases when the feeling of guilt remains with a person even after he has gone through all the stages of grief.
4. Depression.
   This stage is most difficult for those people who keep all their emotions to themselves, without showing their feelings to others. Meanwhile, they exhaust a person from the inside, he begins to lose hope that someday life will return to normal. Being in deep sadness, the grieving person does not want to be sympathized with. He is in a gloomy state and has no contact with other people. Trying to suppress his feelings, a person does not release his negative energy, thus becoming even more miserable. After the loss dear person, depression can be quite a difficult life experience that will leave its mark on all aspects of a person's life.
5. Acceptance of what happened and relief from pain.
   Over time, the person will go through all the previous stages of grief and finally come to terms with what happened. Now he can take control of his life and direct it in the right direction. His condition will improve every day, and his anger and depression will weaken.
6. Revival.
   Although it is difficult to accept a world without someone you love, it is simply necessary to do so. During this period, a person becomes uncommunicative and silent, often mentally withdrawing into himself. This stage is quite long, it can last from several weeks to several years.
7. Creating a new life.
   After going through all the stages of grief, many things change in a person’s life, including himself. Very often in similar situation people are trying to find new friends and change their environment. Someone changes their job, and someone changes their place of residence.

At the very beginning I would like to say that in our modern society a healthy and adequate attitude towards human death has not been developed. Perhaps they talk about her if she died old man. There is death that happens to middle-aged people, they talk about it less often and more quietly. And, of course, when grief overtook small child, they are often silent about this. What is this connected with?

First, every person has a fear regarding his own death. This phenomenon is uncontrollable, causing a lot of feelings, anxiety and worries. Therefore, sometimes it is easier for a person to close himself off from the topic of death than to think or talk about it. Magical thinking can work here: if I don’t come into contact with this, it won’t happen to me or my loved ones.

Secondly, in our culture there is no specific mechanism for how to behave if someone close to us dies. There are funerals, wakes, memorial days. People cry, eat and drink on them. And often we are faced with a problem when we don’t know what to say or how to behave in the event of a tragedy among our friends. The usual phrase is: “Please accept our condolences.”

Thirdly, those in whose family grief has occurred do not always understand how to behave with people. Should I talk about my troubles, and who should I tell? People can choose two courses of action. One of them is to close yourself off, withdraw into yourself, and experience grief alone. The second is to ignore feelings and transfer everything to the level of intellect: here there may be explanations that the deceased is now in the next world, that he feels good, that everything happened for a reason.

Sometimes it happens that a person does not can survive grief and gets stuck in German These are called "complicated loss symptoms" and they come in several forms:

1. Chronic grief. A person cannot accept that a loved one is no longer there. Even years later, the reaction to memories can be very acute. Let’s say a woman cannot get married again if she lost her husband even more than a few years ago; his photos are everywhere. The man doesn't go out real life, lives on memories.
2. Exaggerated grief. In this situation, a person can increase the feeling of guilt, exaggerate it. This can happen when losing a child: a woman strongly blames herself and, accordingly, becomes emotionally strongly attached to death.
3. Masked or suppressed grief. A person does not show his experiences, he does not feel them. Usually such suppression results in psychosomatic diseases, including headaches.
4. Unexpected grief. As they say, when nothing foreshadowed trouble. The suddenness of the death of a loved one provokes the impossibility of acceptance, aggravates self-recrimination, and aggravates depression.
5. Postponed grief. It is as if the person is postponing going through the stages of loss for a while, turning off or blocking his feelings. This does not mean that he coped with the situation.
6. Absent grief. The person denies the loss and is in a state of shock.

In fact, psychologists have long described healthy stages of coping with loss or acute grief. Each person has their own duration and intensity. Someone may get stuck at one of the stages or go in circles. But in any case, knowing the stages of grief can help you truly grieve for a person you will never see again. There are two classifications in describing what happens to a person who has experienced loss. I suggest considering both.

First classification

1. Denial. It is difficult for a person to believe what happened. It's like he's in denial about what happened. Usually the stage is accompanied by the following phrases: “This can’t be”, “I don’t believe it”, “He’s still breathing.” A person may try to feel the pulse himself; it seems to him that doctors may be mistaken. And even if he has already seen the deceased, there may be a feeling inside as if death had not happened.

What to do: I used to be good tradition, when the deceased person was at home for 3 days, this helped to understand what had happened. Now those who say goodbye come up to the coffin and kiss the deceased on the forehead - this is very important action. This is how a person feels that a truly loved one has died. You can put your hand on your forehead, on your body, feel and feel the cold. If you have not seen the body of the deceased, have not seen the funeral, then the denial stage may be delayed. You will understand that the person has died, but at the level of feelings there is a feeling that he is alive. Therefore, it is more difficult to accept death when a loved one is missing or there was no funeral.

2. Anger. A person becomes aggressive. And here everything depends on the causes of death. He can blame doctors, God, fate, circumstances. And also myself, that, let’s say, I did something wrong. He may blame the deceased himself for not being careful or not taking care of his health. Anger can be directed at other relatives. Here you can find the following phrases: “I can’t accept this!”, “It’s unfair!”

What to do: it is important to understand that anger is normal reaction. A basic emotion that is associated with loss. It's important to react. Be angry, discuss your anger, write it on paper. Share feelings and actions. Yes, you have the right to be angry, it’s very painful right now, the process of experiencing loss goes through its natural stages. All people go through them.

3. Bidding. At this stage, it seems to the person that he could change something in the current situation. It looks something like this: “If I had spent more time with my mother, she could have lived longer.” In the case of the loss of a loved one, a person retreats into his fantasies and tries, as it were, to come to an agreement with God or fate.

What to do: let your mind play out these scenarios for a bit. It is still very difficult for our psyche to accept changes, it is difficult to realize that a loved one will never be around again. The main thing is to stop in time and not join a sect. Remember the cases of fraud with the resurrection of soldiers?

4. Depression. Usually here a person feels unhappy and says: “Everything is pointless.” Depression can be expressed as different shapes. It is very important to treat yourself with care and seek help in a timely manner. People complain about Bad mood, depressed state, lack of energy. Because change is inevitable. We will have to build our lives in a new way. The man realized what had happened, got angry, and tried to bargain. Now he understands that nothing really can be changed.

What to do: neither in under no circumstances should you be left alone, be sure to invite friends, relatives, ask them to take care of them, let them stay in yourself, cry a lot, worry. This is fine. Timing is really important now.

5. Acceptance. When a person has actually gone through all the previous stages, there is now a chance that he will accept death. He will come to terms with what happened, agree and begin to build his life in a new way. Of course, he will remember his loved one, cry, be sad, miss, but with less intensity.

What to do: be grateful to yourself for finding the strength to honestly experience grief. Death is an inevitability that we face sooner or later. Yes, we will miss a loved one, but now we look at the situation with adult eyes. It is important to note that the first 4 stages do not guarantee a transition to acceptance and integration of experience. A person can walk in circles or return to one or another stage. Only the stage of acceptance indicates that grief has been experienced.

Second classification

Surely you know that usually a person is buried on the third day after death. Then they gather on the 9th, 40th day, six months and a year. Such dates were not chosen by chance; it is precisely such a time frame that allows us to gradually come to accept the situation.

9 days. Usually a person has not yet can realize up to the end of what happened. There are, most often, two tactics here. Or care in yourself, or excessive activity in funeral preparations. The most important thing in this period is really to say goodbye to deceased. Cry, sob, talk to other people.

40 days. At this stage, the grieving person still cannot accept what happened, cries, and dreams of the deceased.

Six months. The process of acceptance gradually occurs. Grief seems to “roll up”, and this is normal.

Year. There is a gradual acceptance of the situation.

How to help yourself cope with the loss of a loved one

1. Cry. It doesn't matter if you are a woman or a man. It is very important to have a good cry and do it regularly as long as you need it. So that feelings find a way out. If you don’t want to cry, you can watch a sad movie or listen to sad music.
2. Talk to someone. Discuss your grief as much as necessary. Even if you tell the same thing to the tenth person you know, it doesn’t matter, this is how you process the situation.
3. Get busy with your life. It is very important to give yourself the opportunity to grieve, but do not disconnect from life - very gradually, day by day. Clean the table, make soup, go out for a walk, pay the bills. It grounds you and helps you stay grounded.
4. Follow the regime. When you have regular activities, it also helps your psyche to be calmer.
5. Write letters to the deceased. If you have feelings of guilt or others strong feelings to the deceased, write him a letter. You can put it in the mailbox without an address, take it to the grave, or burn it, as you prefer. You can read it to someone. It is important to remember that the person died, and you remained, to take care of your feelings.
6. Contact a specialist. Of course, there are situations when it is difficult to overcome the situation on your own or even with the help of loved ones, and a specialist will help you. Don't be afraid to see a psychologist.
7. Take care of yourself. Life goes on. Don't deny yourself simple joys.
8. Set goals. It is important for you to understand the connection with the future, so start planning. Set your immediate goals and start implementing them.

What to tell the children?

It is very important not to lie to your child. The child has the right to know about the death of a loved one. Psychologists here disagree on whether to take a child to a funeral. Some children may perceive the process of burying in the ground negatively. Therefore, it is important to have an emotionally stable person next to children. If a child's mother or father dies, there must be a farewell procedure.

It is important not to tell your child about the mother who looks from the clouds. This can add anxiety to what is happening. Help your child cry out the pain and get through the situation. Every specific case is unique, so it is better to contact child psychologist, which will help in experiencing trauma.

The loss of parents is always a tragedy. Strong psychological connection, and sometimes the dependence that is established between loved ones makes their loss a difficult ordeal. And no matter how old we are, it is not easy to establish life after the death of our parents. We have to learn to accept a world where they no longer exist.

How to cope with the death of your parents

No matter how scary and sad it may be, it is normal for children to bury their parents. Perhaps people close to us left too soon, but is it ever on time? A difficult situation must be accepted, we cannot change anything, we must learn to live with it. For a long time you will mentally turn to your departed father or mother, ask them for advice, but you must understand that this life is only yours, and learn to live without the support of loved ones.

It's not easy to accept after the death of your parents. new order of things.

The death of beloved parents radically changes our lives. In addition to the bitterness of loss and grief for a loved one, there is a feeling of confusion, a feeling as if part of one’s life has fallen into the abyss. How to improve life after this?

1. The fact of the loss of a loved one must be accepted. And the sooner you get used to the idea that he will never be with you again, the better. Neither yours will return it mental anguish, no tears, no despair. We must step over this line and begin to learn to live without a father or mother.
2. Memory is one of the greatest human values. It is in it that our parents who are gone forever continue to live. But, without forgetting about them, you need to think about yourself, about your affairs, interests, and future. Would your loved ones want your life to come to a standstill after their death?
3. Heavy memories of death, strong negative emotions interfere with living normally and drive a person into depression. We need to get rid of them. Psychologists believe that in this case it is best to talk it out and cry to close friends, you can go to a psychologist or priest, they will also listen and console. You can write about your experiences on a piece of paper - this also helps. The main thing is not to hold grief within yourself, not to allow it to destroy your soul.
4. If you feel lonely and the grief of loss is overwhelming, find someone who needs your attention and care. If you don't have children, get a kitten or puppy. Warm, Vital energy and the selfless love of these animals will help you overcome grief, relieve you of the feeling of loneliness, and you will simply have no time to suffer and go through painful memories.

There are no ready-made recipes for coping with the death of a parent that are suitable for absolutely everyone. Situations of loss and emotional connections with loved ones are different for everyone. And each person experiences grief in his own way: some just need to talk it out, some withdraw into themselves, and for others the bitterness of loss spills out with tears.

Find something that eases your soul and don't be shy about being emotional. Psychologists believe that any grief must be “overcome” in order for a feeling of relief to come. And it will definitely come.

accept mine sincere condolences! Keep yourself busy with something, try to distract yourself! I can't recommend anything else! Only time will help! My dad died 1 year 7 months ago! It's much easier now! And then I thought that I wouldn’t survive this! I don’t even know what could be more painful than the loss of your dearest and closest person! Hold on!

Only time...

TIME HEALS AND HEALS!!! 4 years of life - SURVIVAL!!!
January 2010 - death of grandmother;
June 2010 - death of the second grandmother (cancer);
July 2010 - death of godfather (cancer);
my birthday October 2010 - mother's death (burnt down in the house). IN lately we didn’t really get along with her. Two weeks before, she dropped a cup of salt (all over the kitchen), on my birthday they gave me two roses (as I remember now, she tried to laugh it off that I wasn’t going to a funeral), and also, in the evening They called my sister and me and said that our house was on fire, as I remember now, they ran out in only their dressing gowns. And the words of the firefighters that the woman there was burned... I drank 5 bottles of valerian with Corvalol, fell asleep... In the morning a neighbor came and brought a tray of cakes, said that my mother brought it yesterday, asked me to tell her not to be offended... But the neighbor had not yet I knew that my mother was no more...
4 years have passed...Ask what has changed? NOTHING!!! I ask them for forgiveness every day, I remember them every day, I miss them every day...YES!!! I understood what it means to appreciate... but I was always an egoist before...
February 2014 - grandfather died...
I feel like a woman who has lived her whole life... With dark and past stripes... I remember everything good and bad... and I’m only 22 years old...
Yes, I live on!!! I live because they gave me life!!! And for their sake I must live!!! But it’s hard for me, very hard... BUT, I know ONE thing for sure!!! MY FAMILY will never be forgotten!!! My children and grandchildren will know about them!!!
Tatyana, Ryazan.

Time, only time.... My husband died 2 years ago, my youngest son was 9 months old. A year later, my mother died suddenly from oncology... and three months later, my old daughter died, she was only 17 years old... If it weren’t for little son I'd go crazy...

Well, when my father died in a terrible accident 8 years ago, I definitely didn’t write on the Internet that day... somehow it wasn’t before that... but in general it was just time... there are no other “medicines”...

My grandmother recently died... Who was like a mother and a best friend to me... It hurts a lot, but I’m used to living with this pain... I ask her almost every day to forgive me for everything, for the fact that I didn’t offend her very often for what... For the fact that I yelled at her when I often called just to chat, when I didn’t live with her... How I miss this now... Every evening I say how much I love her, and I regret that I rarely told her about it before ...Author, hold on, I really sympathize with you....

I typed into the search engine “How to survive the death of relatives....” I found your site. I read many letters from people who have experienced grief......or maybe not people who have lost relatives. My story is probably no different from all those already written here. ........This is the second year that my mother and father have not been next to me (it’s still scary) I lost them in one month, 29 days amid a funeral. They still had a lot of life and health, at least I thought so. My dad died suddenly. I had a heart attack while fishing.........they found him already frozen on the river. I still see the picture that I drew for myself from the stories of those who found him in my dreams. I know one thing... ......he felt bad, he probably knew that he would not survive, he was slowly freezing, his body was severely frostbitten. When they told me about this, I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive, I thought I would go crazy. At that moment I was at work... ...rushed like a lioness around the cage screaming. It’s terrible to remember what was in my head. It seemed like this was a nightmare and that it would end someday......the road to my parents’ house was long (200 km) night, winter. ......and like infinity. For three days the ambulance did not leave us. I thought ALL LIFE IS OVER. For me, my father was the most close person, My mother and I didn’t have such mutual understanding......after the funeral of my father and my mother, my brother stayed with me. I just moved away a little, began to understand something, went to work and here comes the second blow: THE DEATH OF MOTHER.....that’s it !!! There’s horror in my head! My brain, body, soul are killed. It’s impossible to perceive anything soberly. But I forced myself to pull myself together, went to work so as not to withdraw into myself, I was very afraid of it. I stayed home alone, got drunk and cried, I was afraid herself. She specially sent the child to visit her father so that she would not see me in this state. At work I came across judgments from my colleagues, there were questions like “How can you smile after such grief?” “Where there are two deaths, there is a third, wait!” ......what I felt at that moment, God knows. I didn’t have anyone to cry to, those who could cry for a long time, tears on the phone...... not that, and especially every evening , it wasn’t always on time and I didn’t want to burden anyone with my grief. Four walls and you’re alone with your grief. I thought I’d go to the madhouse. For half a year I did this..... Then I met a man who helped, shook me up a little, helped to get out of this state, I am incredibly grateful to him. The pain has dulled a little. I didn’t dream about Mom and Dad until a year after their death, I was always tormented by this. Now a year and a half has passed. And it’s as if everything happened yesterday. The knife sticks out in my soul and the wound of loss is bleeding. I’m crying Every time I’m left alone, I try not to show anyone how difficult it is for me. I come to my parents’ house with tears. I can’t sell, I can’t raise my hand, and I can’t live there on my own. Time doesn’t heal my wound....... ....

I put it in the search engine

My dad died on January 29, he was 47 years old. I called in the morning, we talked, and agreed that I would come in the evening. When I arrived, I didn’t open the door, but I was at home (the key was in the lock), I freaked out and left. This has happened before, I fell asleep in front of the TV and you won’t get it. The next day my mother and I came, again the same picture, the TV was on, the lights were in the same rooms. They called the police, broke down the door, and he was sitting in the kitchen, in his favorite place, already dead. I choked and couldn’t clear my throat; my ribs were tied with a belt (my ribs hurt). When I saw him I thought I would go crazy. The guy immediately took me away from there.
It's incredibly hard for me. I still don’t realize that this happened, I still want to call him and chat as before. I cry at night, I can’t believe that I won’t talk to him again, I won’t see him. For me, he is the ideal man, we have always been very close spiritually, we understood each other perfectly. At home, everything reminds of him, clothes hang, shoes stand, as if he had just come home and was sitting in the kitchen in his favorite place. We are now living with our grandmother, we will sell that apartment, neither my mother nor I will be able to live there.
It’s incredibly difficult for my mother; this summer it would have been their 24th wedding anniversary. I'm holding on for her.

Alina is my girl! I, too, first lost my son at 3.5 years old and died due to illness, then 8 years ago my mother died, then I divorced my husband almost immediately, and soon it will be a year since my dad died, he was sick for a long time. I’m also alone now, completely alone. at 41 without children, without relatives, elder sister there is, of course, but she doesn’t want to accept me, not to be related to me, that’s why I’m writing that I’m alone. It’s very hard, while I was working every day, I tried without days off, at night I just cried, but now I’m very sick, I’ve been dizzy for a month. I cry from morning to evening, I felt even more lonely, the doctors cannot make a diagnosis, the depression is severe. You wouldn’t even wish this on your enemy. so hold on dear, it’s very difficult, sometimes it’s even a sin, I think that I might not live at all, the only thing that stops me is that it’s a sin and you won’t meet your family in the next world. Loneliness is very scary. I don’t know how old you are, but if you’re young, give birth, for yourself, even if you’re not married. Believe me, children are the flowers of life. Hold on!

Psychologist's answer:

Hello Irina!

Very little time has passed since your dad left, too little for both your mom and you to stop grieving. What is happening to your mother now is absolutely normal, moreover, correct. But you may have severe consequences artificially experienced grief. On the one hand, you decided to let go quickly, stop crying and worrying. On the other hand, perhaps this happened because you switched to your mother. Of course she needs support. But you also need to cry out your grief, suffer, and grieve.
We are often told that crying is bad, and crying for the dead is even worse, they say, let him go quietly, let him go. But this does not mean that there is no need to cry and worry at all. Uncryed, unsuffered grief hides in the corners of the soul, accumulates there and sooner or later finds a way out in the form of severe depression, psychosomatic and even mental illness.
Over your mother’s grief, you forgot, or pretended to forget, about your grief. Are you sure that you really let go of your dad, that the grief is no longer so strong, that you didn’t hide it inside yourself?
Now I will tell you briefly about normal stages living with grief.
1. Shock stage. Horror, emotional stupor, detachment from everything that is happening. A feeling of unreality of what is happening appears in a person’s consciousness.
2. The stage of denial (search) is characterized by disbelief in the reality of the loss. Denial is natural defense mechanism, maintaining the illusion that the world remains unchanged. But gradually the consciousness begins to accept the reality of the loss.
3. The stage of aggression, which is expressed in the form of indignation, aggressiveness and hostility towards others, blaming oneself, relatives or friends, the treating doctor for the death of a loved one, etc. Being at this stage of confrontation with death, a person can threaten the “guilty” or , on the contrary, engage in self-flagellation, feeling guilty about what happened. A person who has suffered a loss tries to find in the events preceding death evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased (he gave medicine at the wrong time, let someone go, was not there, etc.). Feelings of guilt may be aggravated by the situation of conflict before death. The range of emotions experienced at this time is also quite wide; the person experiences the loss acutely and has poor self-control. This is all a natural process of experiencing loss. When anger finds its way out and the intensity of emotions decreases, the next stage begins.
4. Stage of depression (suffering, disorganization) - melancholy, loneliness, withdrawal and deep immersion in the truth of loss. This is the period of greatest suffering, acute heartache. Typical are extraordinary absorption in the image of the deceased and his idealization - emphasizing extraordinary virtues, avoiding memories of bad traits and actions.
5. Stage of accepting what happened This stage is divided into two:
5.1. Stage of residual shocks and reorganization. At this phase, life returns to its groove, sleep, appetite, and professional activity are restored, and the deceased ceases to be the main focus of life. The experience of grief now occurs in the form of first frequent, and then increasingly rare individual tremors, such as occur after the main earthquake. This stage, as a rule, lasts for a year: during this time, almost all ordinary life events occur and then begin to repeat themselves. The anniversary of death is last date in this row. Perhaps this is why most cultures and religions set aside one year for mourning.
5.2. "Completion" stage. The normal experience of grief that we are describing enters its final phase after about a year. The meaning and task of grief work in this phase is to ensure that the image of the deceased takes its permanent place in the family history, family and personal memory of the grieving person, as a bright image that causes only bright sadness.

If you carefully read about all the stages, you can easily determine which stage your mother is in now. She needs to talk about her guilt. And she needs support in this. Of course, you don’t need to tell her, mom, yes! it's your fault. It is enough to be close to her, not to deny her feelings, to listen. She doesn't hear you because you don't hear her feelings, you deny them.
Give her the opportunity to process grief the way she needs. You can mirror your feelings: “You’re angry at yourself!” "You're blaming yourself!" "You loved him very much." You can translate the “arrows” to yourself: “Your love (your relationship) is an example for me.” Talk about what mom could do, what you could do for dad. Remember together some cases when you were able to do something good for dad, to please him.
If a person gets stuck at some stage, then grief becomes pathological. And here you cannot do without psychotropic medications and treatment from a psychotherapist.
If you need further consultation, write.