How to reach mutual understanding. How to find mutual understanding with a man

Hello dear friends!

Mutual understanding is a fundamental quality for building strong, family relations. But it happens that the spark goes out, the passion goes away, and in their place there is a reinforced concrete wall of omissions and silence.

This process occurs due to two reasons: a woman firmly believes that her chosen one will change over time, and a man hopes that her beloved will never exchange a portion of care and adoration for sharp reproaches.

Dangerous Mistakes

Understanding reaches its peak at the moment when both people sincerely trust each other. At the same time, there are pitfalls, ignoring which will result in conflicts and disagreements. I suggest you familiarize yourself with the track record of mistakes leading relationships to a break.

Mismatch between the values ​​and needs of the couple

Every person has a klondike of fears, habits and values ​​in their head. They are acquired in childhood and replenished throughout life. Education also makes an invaluable contribution to the stock of attitudes. Basic family values always passed down from dynasty to dynasty.

Mutual understanding becomes impossible when one of the partners does not share the views on the life of the other. For example, it is important for a woman to build strong relationships with a man and have a baby. It is these values ​​that shape her vision of happy life. Consequently, the range of its needs will acquire specific messages.

But the man imagines a completely different picture. He cares about financial stability and career. Confrontation of the above directives gives rise to a powerful wall of misunderstanding and, moreover, is dangerous by a complete break in relations. Therefore, it is very important at the first stages of acquaintance to correctly ask the chosen one about personal values ​​and ideas of family improvement.

Conflict and manipulation

Tantrums, raised voices, silent games and door slamming are a sign of manipulative inclinations. Playing the role of a victim or an aggressor, a person shows disrespect for a loved one, undermining feelings in the bud with dynamite!

Language of love

The “language of love” described in the book by G. Chapman is a real tool through which a person can express love for a partner. As it turned out in practice, there is not a single set of languages ​​that our interlocutor “understands” when communicating. For one person, these are gifts, for another - time, and still others are fanatic from the verbal expression of experiences and touches.

In order to improve the quality of understanding with your wife, it is important to ask yourself the question: “And thanks to what will my beloved be able to understand about my feelings? How will she feel happy (words, actions, etc.)?”.

Inability to talk about your feelings and desires

It is especially important to be able to talk about your requests and desires. Unfortunately, in 2017, people still don't have the superpower to communicate telepathically. And to understand what he or she wants is impossible!

But the ability to talk about spiritual sensations is a purely individual phenomenon! It is important to understand what character and temperament play in this matter. key role. In order to understand, it is important to speak and be able to wait for an answer. And this flows into the next subparagraph.

inability to listen

The lack of dialogue with her husband makes a woman turn into a radio, constantly broadcasting news reports. Moreover, they have nothing to do with the interests of the spouse or his problems.

Even when a man made up his mind and began to speak, in her arsenal there will always be sound advice or a comment simplifying his position as a man or person. So ladies, if you want your boyfriend to talk, just let him do it! Does it exist base list recommendations, adhering to which you can count on understanding at a glance?

Rules of Mutual Understanding

Write down family status and life plans

To maximize mutual understanding, I suggest that you in plain language put the essence of your family's rules on paper. This should apply to both everyday life and the upbringing of children. Place special emphasis on stipulation important aspects partner, giving him the opportunity to argue his point.

Spend time together

Joint leisure is able to introduce you to your soul mate again. Draw, cook, dance, share your feelings about the working day over a cup of tea and be interested in your soulmate! In order to understand at what stage this moment your relationship is, just take a closer look: the more the husband or wife moves away from spending time together, the more critical the situation is and it needs to be saved!

Don't forget about the kids!

In a family where there is no understanding, but there are children, it is they who fall victim to the battle between the ego of mom and dad. Each of them throws all his strength into shouting over the opponent, forgetting that there is a baby in the next room.
If you want to keep the child's nervous system in order, then I advise you to stop sorting things out with a child. He must see his parents happy, because otherwise, he will take the blame for what is happening!

Respect your partner!

Respect is the main whale on which the whole framework of understanding is built. Refuse to disrespect your loved ones in front of strangers, demonstrate control of emotions and endurance.

Compliments and praise

How to make a person grow wings behind his back? That's right, praise and encourage! If you don't learn to notice good qualities, then you will give all your attention to the search for the bad ones, which is fraught with scandals. Do not stir up past mistakes, give thanks for actions and words, give compliments at least 5 times a day.

Taboo on reproaches

Reproaches are words that can destroy your relationship and completely kill mutual understanding. If you criticize, then do it constructively, refusing to go over to personalities and insulting words.

Support and friendliness

Support your chosen one in any situation! Always be by his side, showing calmness and faith in his strength. After all, when an individual is friendly, smiling and friendly, you want to talk to her and trust her! So why not become a super-human for your beloved!?

On this point!

Subscribe to blog updates, and be sure to share in the comments personal advice to renew understanding in a couple! It is very interesting to know your opinion!

Is there a lack of understanding in your relationship? Do you break dishes in the heat of a quarrel? Do not talk for hours, pretending to be offended? Learning how to solve things peacefully and finally getting along with each other is easy, just say out loud what you want.

So different

Why do adults try to re-educate a partner? And why, having not achieved anything by this method, do they begin to “punish” each other? The reason lies in our "expectations".

If we talk about relationships, this is what we consider correct and desirable behavior towards us. Each of us has our own set of expectations, some of which are situationally independent (for example, "each good mother should…”), and some depend on our reactions (for example, “I’ll tell him, and then he…”).

We a priori consider our own expectations fair and correct. When they are confirmed by the behavior of our loved ones, then everything is in order: we are satisfied with the relationship and are ready to continue them to the common joy. But more often than not, expectations are not so simple, and they remain unfulfilled.

Let's imagine that we have two heroes - Borya and Lena, they have been dating for one and a half to two years, both are enough emotional people and do not hesitate to express emotions, which often manifests itself in screaming, demonstrative insults, lectures and manipulation of leaving.
mind readers

The first reason for conflicts is that we do not say directly what we want, believing that "it's already clear"; "he is clever man, he himself must understand, ”etc. In other words, we rely on the fact that the people around us can read our thoughts. Moreover, we are confident that our point of view is the only correct one, and we rely on the support of others. Borya must not only guess what Lena expects from him, but also agree with her in everything, indulge her in every possible way. But after all, even if Borya is ready to meet Len, he does not embody her dreams just because they are unknown to him!

Let's take a banal situation, which, however, occurs quite often. For example, Lena can expect from Bori romantic dinner in a restaurant (“since we started living together, this happens less and less, and everything was so good at the beginning of the relationship”). Time is running, but Borya does not invite her anywhere. She gets angry, begins to think that he has stopped loving her, since signs of attention to her have become less frequent.

The tension is expressed in the fact that Lena begins to obsessively ask: “Do you still love me?”, Look for other evidence of a possible “dislike” (for example, that he does not wash the plate after him, because otherwise he would understand how tired she is, and not would bother her extra work), to criticize Boris. He is confused: what is going on? He begins to convince Lena in words that he loves her very much, even washing the plate several times at once, but the situation does not change. He simply cannot guess that Lena is waiting for an invitation to a restaurant, so his shots do not hit the target.

If Lena had just hinted, but rather directly said that she wants to have dinner somewhere! If at the same time she remembered some particular romantic evening, which began in a restaurant, Borya would have realized Lena's expectation and the relationship would not have reached a dead end, from which they would either get out or not.

Every time when working with family and personal problems, psychologists are faced with a situation of unspoken expectations. Perhaps this is one of the main problems of psychological illiteracy. People don't talk about own desires, but at the same time they naively believe that they are obvious, and if others do not realize them, then this is out of harm or bad attitude. And this, in turn, creates a situation “he is against me” and sharply increases tension, making communication conflict.

Don't you scream!

The second reason for conflicts related to mutual expectations is their incorrect presentation. Most often, when expectations are hushed up and for this reason are not fulfilled, a certain “glass” is gradually filled inside, and the “last straw” becomes something like a detonator. Word for word, and between Borya and Lena there is a quarrel with all its classic manifestations: the transition to personalities, positions of "attack - defense", various methods of pressure. As it usually happens, in the heat of a quarrel, partners feel dissatisfied, and the goal (solving a certain problem) remains forgotten. And Lena’s phrase “You can’t even take me to a restaurant!” - that very first and most important unrealized expectation, from which the increase in tension began - cannot produce desired effect. In the heat of a quarrel, Borya, either defending or attacking, simply will not be able to perceive this phrase as a serious expectation, upon the fulfillment of which the process can begin to develop in a new direction. Finally, Lena spoke out, but it was of little use.

In general, quarrels are the most frequent form of exchanging expectations, both tense and ineffective. Blazing with anger, they throw out claims to each other, without hearing them, without understanding what all the fuss is about. She believes that now Borya knows exactly what she wants, and "if she loves", then she will surely fulfill her wishes. She did not hear Borya's expectations (although they undoubtedly were). Borya also did not hear Lena's wishes, considering them whims and provocations, and is not going to do anything. So each of the partners is sure that the “conversation” (a quarrel is usually stubbornly called a conversation, although it is not) has taken place, and is waiting for peacekeeping actions from the partner.

Are you familiar with the phrase: “I told her / him many times!”? If you "talk" during an argument, be prepared for the fact that you will not be heard. The expectations that you are trying to convey to a partner will not reach him in this way and will not be fulfilled. In a quarrel, the “win-lose” strategy is implemented, when initially one of the partners wants to win, and for this there are stable verbs in everyday language: “pressure”, “cope”, “win”. But in family quarrels There are no winners, both always lose. Relationships lose, families lose.

Work on mistakes

To be heard, stop beating around the bush, avoid omissions, and be direct about what you want.

We hide nothing

So, many relationship problems arise because of unfulfilled expectations. Some of them are not expressed (and sometimes not realized), some are expressed in such a way that they are not perceived (quarrel), and some are presented in the form of notations and other methods of “education”.
Unsatisfied expectations cause tension and, of course, the desire to get one's way, as a rule, by various methods of "punishment", which were also discussed earlier.

Expectations - this is what you need to be able to talk about. The partner must know what you expect from him. Then the relationship will be “transparent”: either you will get what you want, or you will understand that the person does not want to implement it. Let's learn to talk about what's important to us!

Formulate

First of all, clearly state your expectation (for yourself!). This wording should fit in one sentence. If this is a negative expectation (“I don’t want him to…”), then immediately you need to formulate a positive one (“I want him…”).

Check for realism

Ask yourself questions:

Is this your expectation or is it imposed from outside?

How important is it to you (for example, on a 10-point scale)?

Does the person in respect of whom you have certain intentions have the opportunity (personal, financial, temporary) for its implementation?

Perhaps at this stage you yourself will give up some of your expectations or reformulate them, making them realistic. Expectations with the importance of 8 - 10 points must be communicated to the partner.

For example, the expectation that Borya will invite her to a restaurant is important for Lena, the subjective significance is 9 points (because it is an indicator of love and harmony in relationships for her), and Borya has the opportunity to fulfill it.

speak out

This step is the most difficult. People often feel embarrassed when they need to be direct about their feelings or desires. But learning how to do it is an important social skill. To do this, you need to use the so-called I-statements. These are phrases that begin with the pronouns “I” or “me”: “I want you to ...”, “I could feel better if you ...” Any of your wishes should be targeted, that is, have a “sender” and "recipient". The "sender" is you, and therefore the phrase must begin with "I" or "me". The recipient is your partner, so a direct wish should sound with the word “you” and a clear statement of what you want.

Lena: “I want you to invite me to a restaurant. I'm so glad to be with you romantic evening like at the beginning of our acquaintance.

What does the other want?

It must be remembered that not only you have expectations, but also your partner. And now is the time to clear them up. It may turn out that some life principles or counter expectations are obstacles to fulfilling what you want from a partner. At this stage, the main thing is to maintain respectful communication, not to deviate into demonstrative resentment or irritation.

Borya: “I didn’t know it was so important to you. It's good that you told me. Now I get very tired at work, so I became not so romantic. Try to understand me and do not be offended that I myself did not guess. I will try to arrange for us beautiful evening in the near future. Just put it on blue dress which I like so much."

Find a way together

Now, having clarified mutual expectations and obstacles, you need to try to find a compromise. This is much better than pulling the blanket over yourself, because temporary gain will force the partner to look for ways to turn the tide in their favor. In our situation, it was sufficient to simply speak out. Lena did it with dignity, without scandal, Borya heard him and agreed with him.

So…

It is possible that the person you are addressing was not aware of your wishes or underestimated them, and now he has the opportunity to do for you what you consider important. When discussing an expectation that is urgent for you, try to concentrate on it, do not try to express and discuss many more expectations, which undoubtedly exist. Talk in advance and clarify each other's "pictures of life", do not wait until the situation becomes tense.

But sometimes, after talking with a partner, you may realize that the expectation is difficult. Try to accept that the actions and words of another person come primarily from his characteristics, interests, plans, and last but not least - from the desire to offend you. Have the courage to give up your expectation, because some of your other desires will certainly be fulfilled. By giving up the small, we win the big.

Note to brawlers

1. Remember that an outburst of emotions is not always good.

“Splashes” of this kind, if they give relief, are only temporary, because they provoke new problems. In fact, emotional stress is caused by specific problems, and the anger that rages in you is needed just in order to cope with them. Therefore, it is pointless to scandal in the family if you have problems at work, but you need to spend energy in order to solve them with dignity. And if the problems concern the family, then, no matter how much you want to “say everything”, you need to control yourself, unless, of course, you plan that this conversation will really be the last.

2. Respect your partner's individuality.

We are all imperfect, and each of us has our own weirdos. Do not think that our eccentrics are somehow better than strangers. And just like us, others are entitled to them.

3. No need to educate!

Both in a conflict situation and outside it, the role of an educator should be avoided. Taking the position “I know better”, you put your spouse / spouse in the position of an unintelligent child, and even then you should not be surprised at his / her lack of independence and the impossibility of “taking a step without you”. Against, respectful attitude, recognition (including aloud), merits is only for the benefit of the family. Do not forget about this in a conflict situation.

4. I see the goal!

In a conflict situation, always keep in mind the goal: the solution of a certain problem. Remind your partner of this if the conversation loses a constructive direction. Often, before you say something, ask yourself the question: “why?”

5. Feel

Try to take into account the mood and feelings of the other, even if he is wrong. A person, being in a state of physical malaise, fatigue or depression, may not restrain himself and say something that he would not say in normal condition. Also, do not cling to trifles, it is unlikely that you will be able to find out the problem, but please quarrel.

Few people can boast of strong bonds with those they love. But if there is no mutual understanding in the relationship, what to do in this case? How to find the path leading to the unity of the two? Is it possible to turn misunderstandings into pleasing communication? I will try to answer all these questions in this article. And it was written, thanks to the appeal of one of the readers of this site. Read her message to understand what the young woman's problem is:

Hello! I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. But he had to fly away for a year, to the other side of the planet! Because of this, mutual understanding disappeared in our relations. Are we fighting a lot because I want him to be interested in me and my life? I am very, but he, on the contrary, is calm! He does not want to compromise his principles, and I am very offended! He doesn't compliment me and I don't feel like he needs me! What to do? How can I do it right? We are already tired together, but no one wants to give in! Help me please!

From the letter it is not entirely clear what the author wants from this relationship, and what advice the young woman would like to read. As I understand it, the girl is simply burdened and therefore she is looking for the reasons for her internal imbalance in outside world believing that she was annoyed by the inattention of her partner. Whether this is true, only she herself can understand. And I will tell in this publication how you can establish mutual understanding in her relationship with a guy.

Why is there a lack of understanding?

People change a lot as they move through life. The reasons for changing their worldview, characters, behavior and other things can be very different. For example:
1. Based on the knowledge of Eastern astrology, we can conclude that every five to ten years a person enters a different energy period, because of which her behavior, state of health and everyday events change.
2. Some people get into situations that become real shocks for them. Because of what, survivors of severe stress become more indifferent, rude and cruel, which negates mutual understanding in relations with others.

3. According to the non-traditional science of feng shui, out of all eight directions of the world, only four are favorable for a particular type of people. If a person has moved in his unfavorable direction, then he will get sick and experience trouble. When someone moves in the negative compass direction of their partner, they usually lose interest in the latter.
4. As a rule, a man and a woman find complete mutual understanding in their relationship only at the very beginning, while they are still in love with each other. At this time, the chemistry of the body and emotions overshadow their consciousness and therefore they do not see the shortcomings of those to whom they have feelings. But it is worth falling in love to evaporate and the perception of the partner immediately changes. As a result, the two cease to understand each other.

5. Those lucky people who were able to live next to a single partner for many years usually get tired of the monotony and therefore stop showing interest in someone who was once whispered words of love. That is why they do not even make efforts to establish mutual understanding in relationships that are not interesting for them.
6. In every second family, as a rule, there is a dominant person. Not only children are subject to him, but also a spouse. An imperious person is difficult to remake and impossible to force, to behave differently - to give in at least sometimes, so as not to destroy ties with loved ones. The more the head of the family puts pressure on others, the more tense the relationship becomes, causing misunderstanding and even alienation.

How to achieve mutual understanding in the relations of young people?

A guy and a girl, when meeting, usually experience mutual attraction, but as soon as the feeling of novelty leaves, the partners cool off towards each other. As soon as this happens, mutual understanding disappears. One does not want to give in to the other, believing that this act means to follow the lead. In the case of the girl who wrote the letter published in the second paragraph of this article, the guy is clearly tired of the claims of his partner. This is due to the difference in temperament. If a man is calm, then he expects the same behavior from his woman. When she constantly demands something, he will look for another life in which he does not have negative points.

What would you advise a girl who is worried about her partner's inattention? First of all, she should try to change her behavior. Openness is a very good trait. Such personalities for partners are like an open book. But how will the one who “reads” their contents do with them? It's best to be a little mysterious and complete pleasant surprises. For example, instead of trying to find mutual understanding through frank conversations and showdowns, you should do something that arouses increased interest in your partner. In a relationship between a man and a woman, it is important to maintain a romantic mood. And sadly, but girls have to do it.

A young woman who has asked for advice should understand that the more often she demands from her partner participation in her life and compliments regarding her appearance, the worse he will treat her and, most likely, cut off contact with her. This often happens in relationships between young and inexperienced partners. Therefore, a girl needs to start surprising her man. If she talks to him on Skype and he can see her, then before the conversation, put on a new make-up. A different appearance of a partner will greatly surprise young man and will certainly arouse his interest. So, imperceptibly, mutual understanding will also improve, because the guy will overwhelm the girl with compliments.

If a young woman calls back with her boyfriend, then she should say, for example, that she is currently busy with something and ask him to call back later. This event will be the first point of the next conversation. After all, the guy wants to know what she was doing. Such in cunning ways a young woman will be able to achieve compliments and make a man take an interest in her life. In addition to the listed ways to help arouse interest in a guy and thereby establish mutual understanding, there are others. For example, you can wear unusual clothes and very beautiful lingerie. You should start visiting places of rest that were not previously attractive. The guy will be wondering why his girlfriend began to change, and what she was doing on the next weekend. Therefore, he himself will take the initiative in the conversation.

How to find mutual understanding in a long-term relationship?

According to statistics, about sixty percent of couples out of a hundred break up after a few years. life together. These men and women once thought they loved each other, but then the feeling went away and they became uninteresting to each other. The moment when this is just beginning to manifest itself, many simply do not notice. This is because people are busy surviving. They have no time to understand relations with partners, there is no time to establish mutual understanding. They must think about how to earn money to pay bills, provide for their families and buy new toys for their children. family people romance is completely forgotten and they are no longer subject to a feeling of love. Most often, they feel towards each other either affection or tolerance. And that other unreliable feelings that do not contribute to the stabilization of relations.

To establish mutual understanding and communication, which has become a burden for two, it is necessary to bring a little novelty to the relationship. This is done simply, all in the same ways that were described in the previous paragraph. If a woman begins to change her hair color, put on a beautiful underwear, work on your figure, apply evening make-up, then the man wakes up with feelings that he was once forced to seek a young girl who later became his wife. Every woman should understand that a representative of the stronger sex is romantic only at the moment when he is trying to achieve the woman he likes. Later, only the fair sex brings romance to the relationship. If she is too lazy to do it or expects unusual things from a man and eternal love, then the negative in the relationship will only accumulate.

How to reach mutual understanding in a relationship if one of the partners is a tyrant?

In the case when a man or a woman turns out to be an imperious nature, then over the years mutual understanding comes to naught. A partner who has to crawl forever, once tired of this state of affairs, and he either begins to rebel against the tyrant, or leads double life, or simply breaks the connection that is disgusting to him. Whether he does the right thing depends on what was going on in each specific case. After all, there are situations when the tyrant strongly suppresses all the people of the family and therefore the latter have to endure and wait for the moment when they can get rid of addiction and become free beings who independently decide how they should live and act.

If the head of the family, accustomed to rule, is capable of frank conversations, then you should talk with him about the sore and try to convey to him the essence of the problem that has arisen. You need to tell him about the feelings you have when he acts contrary to your desires, goals and aspirations or forces you to take steps that are contrary to your beliefs. If such conversations lead nowhere, then you need to act differently. How exactly, you will understand when you read short story about my distant cousin former tyrant in his family. At first, this man only indicated to his household what they had to do and how to live, thereby completely violating mutual understanding in the relationship. And then he started to be violent.

He beat his wife, sons and even his mother. He cheated on his wife and behaved defiantly towards relatives. All this went on long years until finally his wife got fed up with his attacks and aggression. Then she found herself a man and went to live with him. The abandoned tyrant did not lose his head and got himself new woman, continuing to behave as before. After a couple of years, his sons grew up and began to rebel against him. Ultimately, one of them left his father and stopped communicating with him. A year later, the second son kicked his dad out of the house. The aged man was wealthy, and therefore did not worry much about this. He tried to forge a rapport in a brief relationship with his former passion, but it didn't work out. Apparently, then he began to change.

After about a year of such a life, in which each member of the family lived by his own mind, the tyrant broke down. After all, he spent this time in an environment where no one was going to endure his aggression and do what he demanded. His behavior changed a lot, he began to respect his wife, sons and mother. Not once did he hit any of them when the family got together again. Therefore, if your partner is an aggressive person who consistently destroys mutual understanding in your relationship, then you should leave him for a while so that he is outside his zone of influence. When he feels his uselessness and worthlessness, he will begin to treat you in a completely different way.

What to do if there is no mutual understanding in the relationship due to the fact that the head of the family is very powerful?

There is a type of men and women who are not tyrants, but they are quite powerful. They implicitly violate mutual understanding between family members, forcing the latter to do everything to make the head of the family happy. In relations with such people, it is not possible to find a compromise, except to lie and create the illusion that everything is going according to the plan invented by the head of the family. This is exactly what the spouses and children of powerful people do. Read in one of the articles on this site a letter that tells how to be able to go your own way through life.

How to deal with people who are hungry for power and seeking to suppress loved ones? It should be explained to such that they do not have to take care of everyone forever. Everyone in the family can go their own way through life without a parent or spouse interfering in their plans. If the conversations are getting nowhere, then you need to actually show the caring person that you are doing a great job with everything, without her interference. Usually the realization by a powerful person that Life is going in its turn and without his participation, leads to changes in his behavior. He begins to look at everything from a different angle. Because of this, mutual understanding is being established in the shaken relationship between spouses, as well as between parents and children.

Harmonious relationships and mutual understanding, thanks to Feng Shui

Unconventional science allows you to quickly eliminate various problems. If a period of cooling and misunderstanding has come in a relationship, then care should be taken that the energies help partners find a path to old feelings. Useful energy flows promote romance and happiness. To improve communication with your partner, you need. And then determine your direction of "harmony in marriage." If you sleep in this direction of the world with your head or, while communicating with your partner, look at him in this compass direction, then the relationship, as if by wave magic wand are getting much better.

What to do if there is no mutual understanding in the relationship and nothing helps to improve it?

In this case, you need to come to grips with yourself and your inner world. Try to realize simple thought- you are currently living with specific people, V certain conditions and you are trying to build rapport with your partner just because your style of behavior and your perception of reality are what they are and what they have always been. You are used to behaving in a certain way, reacting to people and their actions in the same way, so you are now trying to figure out difficult relationship. That is, your thinking and actions led you to what you are experiencing at the moment. Only by changing your inner self and changing your habits will you get out of the difficulties that you care about.

It is very difficult to predict what the consequences of working on oneself will be. After all, a partner who does not pay attention to you, beats you or imposes his will on you, was attracted to you because you did wrong things in the past. Once upon a time, you did not need mutual understanding in the then new relationship. You allowed all the little mistakes of a loved one. You did not notice his inattention, which turned into indifference, you were excited by his aggression, which became tyranny, you liked his independence, which grew into dominance. If you stop allowing your partner’s habitual patterns of behavior even in your thoughts, then it may happen that he suddenly changes or simply disappears from your life. The first, of course, is the best option, but not always likely.

You need to change yourself by programming your subconscious. Access to it is possible at the moment of strong relaxation and transition from wakefulness to sleep. In darkness and silence, you need to think about what you would like from life. If you change the behavior of a real partner, then you need to imagine that he behaves the way you want. For example, the girl whose letter is published in this article wants her boyfriend to pay attention to her and give her a lot of compliments. To achieve what she wants, she needs to come up with situations every time before going to bed in which her boyfriend does what she expects. After two weeks of daily classes, the behavior of a man should change, and at the same time, mutual understanding should be established. In general, it is difficult to predict whether it will be possible to achieve desired result in relationships, working with your subconscious. After all, the result of working on herself can be something that the girl did not expect, but allowed - an acquaintance with a new man.

Pavel writes - I'm 22, like an adult, but I don't know how to find mutual understanding in a relationship?

We've been married for a year now and we're expecting a baby. The wife is at home maternity leave, looks after the house, she is a golden mistress. I work, the person is not sociable, free time and spend the weekend with my beloved at home. But... I have my own musical group, I write lyrics, I love music very much, I play the guitar. And not everything is perfect here. Once a week, just for a few hours, I go to rehearsal. From which my wife just "goes crazy." Can't find a place for myself when I'm about to leave. If I write at home, I get terribly offended. But I live for music, that's all for me! And for her, the meaning is in the family. How can I explain to her that my life is a little different? There was a scandal today. Help advice!

Dear Pavel. A person behaves akin to "going crazy", most often because of the fear of losing someone. In your case, your spouse is probably jealous of your music lessons. It sounds strange, but jealousy is an insane, uncontrollable state. common sense. Out of the blue and in just a year of relationship, it will not arise - rather, the feeling of jealousy has been familiar to your wife for a long time. Surely you noticed manifestations, but closed your eyes, explaining women's whims and quirks. But when the main hobby in your life was under threat, they did not expect and were confused.

How to achieve mutual understanding?

Communication. Ask:

• Who is she jealous of? And why, including?
• What consequences of jealousy has she experienced before?
• who has ever been jealous of her? And how did it end?
• Are there people around her who are jealous of each other?
• what does jealousy save her from? What use does she find in it?

Or just talk to her warmly and sincerely about jealousy, what is she afraid of? But be careful. During pregnancy nervous system women, simply put, "on edge". And instead of a confidential conversation, irritation and hysteria can happen. Offer to see a psychologist, but do not explain that psychological help She needs it, but in order to save your family. Don't stand aside yourself. Any situation is always created by two, or all of its participants. So your contribution is there too. You can probably guess what it is.

Family is a daily work, which consists in love, respect, care, help, search for common facets, new sensations, creation of material and spiritual comfort.

Do your actions look the same or different?

How to find mutual understanding in a relationship? And for what: so that the wife would leave alone and let her go to rehearsals, or to become closer to each other? Think about the first answer that comes to mind...

A practical tool to help you find mutual language with the people you need and are important to you.

People often ask a psychologist a question, how to build relationships how to resolve a conflict, how to negotiate. And every time a person is asked what the problem is, he talks about the fact that his opponent is doing something wrong. At the same time, everything that he does himself, the person considers right.

In fact, in any conflict situation, in any relationship in general, there are always two sides involved. And if a conflict arises, then the responsibility equally lies on one and the other side. Both you and your opponent can make concessions, somehow change their behavior, and accordingly, in some way find mutual understanding and improve your relationship.

There is an exercise that allows you to look at conflict situation and relations in general with different parties, feel and understand the interests of the opponent, look at yourself from the outside, and change your behavior for the better.
This exercise can be performed both sitting and standing. But the best option- take three chairs and place them in such a way that two of them stand opposite each other, and the third - as if from the side.

1. First place will your,
2. Second - your opponent,
3. And the third - bystander.

The position of an outsider

First of all, imagine the situation that is happening between you, and look at it from the side, sitting in the place of the observer. If you can’t perceive the situation unemotionally, you can imagine that everything is happening on the screen of a cinema or TV. I mean, it's just a movie.

Look at how you react and act in a given situation, look at what your opponent is doing. Then think about how to change your behavior, what can be improved, and write down yours on paper.

own position.

Then go to your place and imagine your opponent in front of you, remember the situation, and look at it with your own eyes. You remember all your feelings, emotions, look at your opponent's behavior from your side, and think about how this situation can be improved. Write down your thoughts.

After that, sit down again in the place of the observer and look at the situation from the side, like a movie. Notice what you notice after looking at the situation with your own eyes. Think about what you could improve and write it down.

Opponent position

Then sit on your opponent's chair and try to associate with his interests, with his feelings, sensations. Now you are looking at this whole situation, and at yourself in particular, already through his eyes. Pay attention to how your actions look from his point of view, why he also supports this conflict. Think, on his part, how you can change your behavior, what he can do in order to improve the situation, and write down these answers on paper.

Then sit down again in the chair of an outside observer and observe your situation from the side. See what has changed in this situation, how it can be improved. Analyze everything that the participants in the conflict wrote, create your own recommendations.

Conclusions - Optimal Behavior

This can be done 2-3 times, having been in the role of each of the parties. After that, you will be able to feel your opponent well, his interests, his feelings, emotions. Can be used every time various options behavior. That is, you ask the question what would happen if it were like this, you do the technique and check the result of such a development of events. And in this way you can literally in 20-30 minutes better understand loved one , find the best behavior for a given situation, and then implement it in life.