What is adultery: concept, causes, advice, correct behavior, way out. Adultery of a husband or wife. What then

The telephone message left no room for different interpretations: "Igor, beloved, I miss you!" Julia was holding her husband's mobile in her hands and did not know how to live on. It happened two years ago, when they were with the whole family in the country. She watched from the terrace as their children played in the garden, and her husband went into the house, leaving the phone on the table. Hearing the vibrating signal, Julia took it, more mechanically than out of curiosity. And so…

“I didn’t feel resentment, not anger, but just pain, as if I had been hit,” she recalls. All night crying silently next to her sleeping husband, she decided to fight: “ younger daughter was only two years old, and I believed that we had a strong family". Igor did not deny: "It's true, I have an affair with a new employee, but I love you, as before." “I didn’t understand: how could he have an affair, commit adultery, if he still loves?”

The same question was asked by 35-year-old Cyril - she and Maria had lived together for five years by the day when she admitted that she could not resist the charm of a new acquaintance whom she met at a friend's wedding. “She repeated that it was a mistake, that she only now truly understood how dear I am to her, and I didn’t want to listen to anything: she betrayed me, which means she doesn’t love me.”

Infidelity does not have a single reason. “The lack of recognition, disappointment, the struggle for power in the family, the temptation of novelty,” transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky lists the possible options. “As well as behavior patterns adopted from parents, which are then reproduced in our family life.”

There is a difference between a one-time change and double life run by one of the spouses

A deceived partner should not blame himself for what happened. “There is something that is subject to our control, and something that goes beyond our capabilities and resources,” the analyst emphasizes. - By fully taking the blame on ourselves, we can even provoke repeated betrayals, giving the other a kind of "absolution".

Of course, there is a difference between a single betrayal and the double life that one of the spouses leads. Finding out about a long-term relationship is a harder blow. But even in this case, lessons can be learned by abandoning the role of the victim that the situation itself imposes on us. Being a victim in our own eyes and believing that we have the right to behave like a victim, we can feed the behavior of the “persecutor” with this emotional energy.

“At first, the one who was cheated on experiences severe pain, and at this time it is difficult to think and analyze, - says Elena Ulitova, a family psychotherapist. - But then the pain eases a little, though it doesn't go away completely. Then it's time to think about the reasons that caused the betrayal.

Vadim Petrovsky mentions the "asymmetry of suffering", emphasizing that the leading role in the analysis of what happened belongs to the deceived partner. And the one or the one who was unfaithful should change his behavior, reassure the partner, convince him that their relationship has value.

Cheating is not something one partner does to the other, it's something that happens to a couple

Julia and Igor underwent a course of psychotherapy, starting to restore their relationship. They intend to continue this work together. And Kirill and Maria are trying to glue the fragments, but they are not very successful.

“Not only my pride suffered, but also the trust that was between us. Although we stayed together, it's hard for me to forgive her, ”Kirill admits.

“It is wrong to think that it is enough to find the guilty person, point out his guilt and make him repent so that all problems are solved,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. - Cheating is not something that one partner does to the other, it's something that happens to a couple. The reasons for infidelity, as well as the possibility of overcoming the crisis, should be sought in the history of the two.

At our request, the experts analyzed the stories of cheating couples and identified three ways to cope with “life after cheating”: some never manage to leave this episode behind, others distract from it by not climbing new level and still others come out of the test transformed.

injured couple

Anna cheated on Timothy a year and a half ago, with her ex-husband. After a year of psychotherapy, they decided that they had managed to overcome the crisis. But Anna has the impression that she is still "paying" for what she did. “If I’m five minutes late, he’s already nervous, I know that he searches my pockets and, whatever we happen to argue, he opens this topic again. Half the time we live in hell." Despite everything, they remain together, although they themselves cannot explain this.

According to Vadim Petrovsky, Anna and Timofey seem to be stuck in the past, in their lives, like many other couples, they have one thing left - resentment: even a protector. They think not so much about reconciliation, but about confirming their status as a victim, from which some benefits follow: the sympathy of others, the pleasure of condemning the "apostate", sometimes "indulgence" for their own infidelity.

Hence stalking, vindictiveness... This vicious circle is difficult to break. adultery causes pain that is mixed with guilt, as if the deceived partner himself was not good enough to deserve love. But if he remains in this state, he will not be able to develop within the couple. To take on your part of the responsibility for what happened means to become the master of your life again.

“Responsibility frees from guilt,” Elena Ulitova is convinced. “Because we understand that the reason for what happened is not in what we are by nature, but in what we did or, on the contrary, did not do.” Staying together is not an end in itself and is not synonymous with success. “When both partners turn a blind eye to treason, silence becomes the defining feature of the union,” says Elena Ulitova. “Under these conditions, marriage can technically survive, but family life is dying.”

How to get out of the crisis

Abandon the role of victim or executioner dictated by the situation
Stop measuring everything by the measure of past or possible future infidelity
Play an active role, strengthen the connection with a partner, instead of living in fear of another betrayal

The Couple Who Lived

Marina had been living with her friend for a year, when, during a business trip to Austria, she met a man who "had some kind of electricity." “I knew that this would not be for long - we are from different countries, and I appreciated my friend and our common life with him, ”she says. A few months later, she confessed everything to him.

“He didn’t speak to me for two days. But we were invited to family celebration and he asked me to come over to pretend everything was fine. I took advantage of this to talk to him and explain that if I was going to leave, I would have already done so. It seems that I managed to calm him down, and I never felt unnecessary jealousy on his part. But this topic has become taboo for us.”

Marina and her friend are among those who managed to keep the couple together. “For some, maintaining family, social boundaries and financial stability, staying together despite infidelity, is more important than enjoying mutual desire, and this should be respected,” Elena Ulitova notes.

With such couples, she tries to figure out what the relationship on the side has taught them, and takes into account their suffering: experienced by those who were cheated on and those who abandoned their new love.

“Often these couples are happy that they have found their place, found peace again and got rid of bitterness. They stay together because they like their life, - says Elena Ulitova. - But it is important that such a decision be made by mutual desire, and not out of a feeling that we are morally obliged. Otherwise, we risk increasing the distance and losing sincerity in relationships.”

Sooner or later, the couple will be involved in a situation related to strong feelings and then conscious control will be lost

“Partners begin to live as if in masks,” says client-centered psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. "They avoid subtle, complex, sensitive moments to maintain a semblance of well-being." But silence does not mean forgetfulness. Lack of clarity threatens credibility.

“Relationships become more formal,” the therapist continues. - Both sides are afraid to deepen them: after all, genuine experiences are hidden in the depths. If you move there, you don’t know what you will meet, and so fear arises. So, it is better not to interact on an emotional level, but to support the “I'm fine, you're fine” scenario. Such interaction can bring satisfaction, but within its framework it is impossible for the couple to develop either on an intellectual, or on a sensual, or on a parental level.

But are such couples doomed to an aloof, ritualized relationship in which genuine warmth never emerges?

“Sooner or later, the couple will be involved in a situation associated with strong feelings, and then conscious control will be lost,” Alexander Orlov answers this, “resentment, disappointment, suffering will break through - all feelings that for the time being were covered in silence.”

Such a "breakthrough" can lead to a final break, but can be life-saving if the two agree to an open conversation.

Start over

Understand what the true goals and desires of both are, and not just fulfill moral or social obligations
Talk about the values the couple is based on, recognizing that they may have changed
Recognize the hurt and suffering of the deceived, but also the suffering of the one who remains in the family, refusing new love

Couple on the path of development

Daria always repeated: “If one fine day I find out that you have changed, I will pack my things at that very moment!” But when it actually happened, she not only stayed, but tried to forgive him.

“For almost six months, we analyzed the reasons for his romance with our mutual friend. It was difficult for him and me, but thanks to these conversations, we really understood why we fell in love with each other and why we moved away from each other. Today I feel stronger. Before, I tried to agree with him in everything, but he almost left me. Now I have learned to declare own desires, and it seems to me that our relationship has become closer and more honest as a result.”

Using the infidelity crisis to transform and even revive broken relationships is possible, argues family therapist Inna Khamitova. This does not mean that this path will be easy.

“In the emotional storm that couples are experiencing, it is difficult to maintain consistency: then “leave!”, then “hug!”; then “leave me alone!”, then “don’t leave me!” ... But having agreed to share responsibility for the crisis in relations, they begin to see a catalyst for change on the side of the novel, and not just betrayal.

The couple will also have to recognize those feelings that it is not customary to talk about - in particular, to accept the reality of experiencing sexual attraction.

“You can treat it differently, you can consider it“ bad ”, moralize it, but this is a psychological fact,” emphasizes Alexander Orlov. “This is what happened to one of the two and what the other will have to accept - without protest and condemnation.”

Those couples who manage to come out of this test with renewed vigor enter into more mature relationships.

But talking and understanding each other does not mean finding out all the details of the connection. Inna Khamitova notes that excessive knowledge can be too painful and hinder reconciliation. She advises spouses not to demand a clinically accurate and inevitably painful account of what happened, but to ask what meaning he or she attaches to infidelity, what this situation can teach them.

Those couples who manage to get out of this test with renewed vigor enter into more mature relationships. They accept the notion that infidelity of the body can coexist with faithfulness of the heart, and together they try to solve the problems that arise.

“This crisis can even strengthen the marriage,” says Alexander Orlov, “and take the relationship to a new level, but there is a condition here: one forgives the other, and he sincerely wants to be forgiven and asks for forgiveness.” And this is not necessarily the one who cheated, this is a mutual process in which a culture of psychological contact develops, sensitivity to the needs of another.

“You can learn and practice it,” Alexander Orlov is convinced, “and this is the best way out of the crisis, as well as the prevention of infidelity. After all, what is an attentive, empathic, understanding, sincere attitude towards another person? It's an attitude of love!"

All our experts emphasize that most marriages are concluded at the peak of romantic, loving feelings, and if they continue to be cultivated and trained, then the relationship in a couple is strengthened and developed. And for those who doubt that the shattered relationship in a couple can be restored, they are reminiscent of the words of the playwright Bernard Shaw, who said that marriage is a series of meetings and divorces with the same person.

Get closer to each other

Share with each other the responsibility for a damaged relationship and not be afraid to look for the causes of infidelity in the couple's past
Be ready to hear what exactly your partner was looking for when he committed treason. Be interested in his feelings and talk openly about yours.
Together, discuss the original "treaty" on which the living together and, if necessary, amend it.
Think about what kind of loyalty we require from a partner

In many countries, a sufficient reason and one of the most common motives for divorce is precisely adultery. In our country, about a quarter of all causes of divorce are related to the violation marital fidelity.

Change but affects the area of marital feelings, being the antipode of love. For modern family love is the most important motive for marriage, often the only basis for the creation and existence of a family. Cheating reflects various contradictions, conflicts, disharmony between spouses.

adultery can be found in families with prosperous and stable relationships, more often in conflict problem families, as well as in families with critical, almost destroyed relationships between spouses.

motive "treason" observed most often during the dissolution of young marriages, which rather indicates immaturity, frivolity of the spouses, misunderstanding family values and the concept of "the sacredness of family ties". Ethical education and the general culture of people play a huge role here. At all times, the culture of a man, his honor and dignity were determined by the culture of his relationship to a woman. True culture is to see and respect in a woman, first of all, a person, friend and personality.

In addition, marital fidelity largely depends on premarital behavior: men and women those who have premarital sex more easily violate the vow of marital fidelity. This is due to the fact that early sexual experience, most likely not based on true love, reduces the assessment of sexual relations and a sense of duty, obligations towards another partner. Feeling marital debt- this is a person's awareness of his obligations to a marriage partner, the identification of his personal interests with the interests of the family. But recognizing a sense of duty is not all. On this occasion, N. A. Dobrolyubov very accurately wrote "Not that one can be called a truly moral person who only endures the command of duty over himself, like some kind of heavy yoke ... but precisely the one who cares to merge the demand for duty with the needs of the of his being, who tries to process them into his own flesh and blood internal process consciousness itself and self-development so that they not only become instinctively necessary, but also bring inner pleasure. "Thus, fidelity, devotion is a moral duty to another partner.

There is an opinion that treason, casual relationship makes a person realize that the family was love, betrayal suddenly highlights it. According to some studies, 75% of men do not find what they expected in a casual partner, and begin to appreciate their wife more. Among unfaithful wives, the number of those who have experienced nothing but disappointment and remorse, turned out to be even more - 90%. The spouse realizes that he made a terrible mistake, that he betrayed a loved one and will continue to value his hearth.

And yet in most cases, betrayal is not in favor of love. Cheating is probably the hardest thing to forgive. And it is difficult, even impossible to forget. Even spouses with solid family experience admit that the memory of the betrayal of one of them retains bitterness for long years. And bitterness, and hostility to the one who at some point betrayed the family, love.

Cheating destroys a family, no matter who cheated, husband or wife. To forgive her or not to forgive depends on the person, on how much love is preserved in the soul, whether he can, if not forget, then deeply hide the offense caused by betrayal.

When you live with a person, you build a family together with him, your own house in which children will grow up, you need to be confident in this person. Confident that he will not betray, will not change. Treason, like an unexpected backhand blow, knocks the ground out from under your feet. Not everyone is able to recover from such a blow.

It can hardly be argued that only an immoral person commits treason. If there are abnormal relationships in the family, suspicions, jealousy, scandals, there is no kindness, sympathy, understanding, then sooner or later this will lead to the fact that one of the spouses involuntarily begins to look for a person who understands him and respects his personality.

In every specific case it is necessary to keep in mind the motives that push a man or woman to cheat. On the one hand, it can be vanity, a sense of personal "freedom", promiscuity, displacement moral values, on the other hand - weak character, a tendency to obey, social immaturity, an unstable life position. Depending on this, the measure of condemnation adultery should be different. This measure will also depend on how deep the pain and resentment caused by betrayal is; how it was presented - cynically, accidentally, cautiously, with indifference, in the presence of other people, etc.; how it was perceived by the spouse who suffered from infidelity - a violent reaction, a scandal, emotionally or calmly, rationally.

In modern research, attempts are being made to analyze the causes of adultery. Here is one of the classifications.

1. New love. This reason for adultery is typical for marriages where love was insignificant or completely absent (reasonable, rational or forced marriages based on profit, fear of loneliness).
2. Retribution. With the help of treason, the desire to avenge the infidelity of the spouse is realized in order to restore self-esteem.
3. Scolded love. IN marital relations there is no reciprocity. One of the spouses suffers from rejection of his love, irresponsibility of feeling. This prompts to quench the feeling in another partnership where reciprocity is possible. Sometimes the cheater himself does not love the new partner, but responds to his feeling, sympathizes with the person who loves him unrequitedly.
4. The search for new love experiences, as a rule, is typical for spouses with significant experience, when feelings have faded. Or in families with such normality, when everything possible is taken from life. An option could be to imitate " beautiful life"foreign designs, sexual freedom.
5. Remembrance. With the help of adultery, a person compensates for the lack love relationship, which arises due to the influence of long separations, illness of the spouse and other restrictions on the fullness of love in marriage.
6. The total collapse of the family. Change here is actually the result of creation new family when the first family is perceived as unviable.

Casual relationship, when betrayal is not characterized by regularity and deep love experiences. Usually it is provoked by certain circumstances (the persistence of the "partner", "opportunity", etc.).

In marriage, sensitive moments are sometimes best left in silence. And in case of betrayal, even an untruthful "Yes" or "No" can save the family both today and in the future. Excessive sincerity, desire to tell the truth about your fleeting passion, about physical treason can cause severe depression in the spouse. Being under the yoke of his act, "crime" seeks to clear his conscience, to confess, to open his soul to the "victim". And this is where it all begins. For those who listen to confession, it is like a bolt from the blue. And the "sinner" after confession becomes a witness to the suffering of the person he cheated on.

The principle "better the bitter truth than the sweet lie" does not work in such cases. Nothing good can be expected here. The one who has been cheated on, until the end of his life, can lose his mental balance and only pain, like a splinter, will ache in his heart.

I must say that treason is a severe test for any person, for any marital union. Anyone who treats her easily, with indifference - most likely does not love or is hardly able to love at all. When betrayal occurs against the backdrop of conflicting relationships, it is perceived as a natural consequence. The experience of betrayal depends on how often I met with similar situations.

Connivance, hopelessness or intransigence are extremes in the perception of adultery. Before drawing conclusions, it is necessary to carefully and, if possible, objectively look at the situation of treason. If this is a mistake of a person, even a cruel one, one must be able to forgive it (by the way, wives forgive more often; husbands initiate divorce proceedings because of the infidelity of their wife). If the betrayal is caused by distorted relationships in the family, they need to be sorted out. That is, in any case, you need to look for reasons, and not blame others.

State educational institution

higher professional education

"Oryol State University"

Faculty of Pedagogy and Psychology

Department of Psychological and Pedagogical Technology

ABSTRACT

Psychology of adultery

4th year students

Chechekina A.V.

Teacher:

Goltsova T.V.

Eagle - 2009

Introduction………………………………………………………………....3

1. The concept and types of adultery ……………………….…..4

2. Causes of adultery……………………………………8

3. Therapy of adultery……………………………………..12

Conclusion……………………………………………………………….15

References…………………………………………………………………17

Introduction.

How many years humanity has existed, probably the same amount of deceit has existed. Ancient philosophers wrote about him, it is written about him in the Bible: life develops, goes forward, and deceptions still accompany our life, bring a lot of trouble into it.

Among the many problems that arise in marriage, the problem of infidelity is probably one of the most painful. The initial manifestation of adultery came from the need for a man to be sure of the consanguinity of his children. The highest law of marriage at all times was fidelity. And while love marriage is considered the ideal, in many sections of society, love is not considered a necessary condition for marriage. Despite the passage of time, the concepts of "treason and loyalty" have not lost their relevance. Love for a modern family is an important basis for marriage, often the only motive for its conclusion. Therefore, infidelity can lead to the destruction of a marriage or a serious crisis.

The most typical problem in marital therapy is extramarital contacts and relationships - adultery. Adultery almost always leads to various types destruction of family relationships - quarrels, conflicts, crisis, divorces. Based on this, the role of therapeutic assistance, which can be provided by a qualified specialist, increases.

Fidelity is an obligation to a marriage partner; it is the knot that holds together not only a marriage union, but also any other. The opposite fidelity is treason. Treason has always been considered a shame and equated with betrayal. Cheating in marriage is the result of contradictions, conflicts, carries a lot of psychological motives. As a result of adultery, marital life is often destroyed. Disappointment in family life leads to betrayal of a person. Marital infidelity can occur in almost healthy families, and may be absent in the destroyed ones. It should be noted that in the practice of family counseling, infidelity occurs quite often - this is every fourth case. Cheating not only threatens the integrity of the family, affects marital feelings, as well as a sense of personal dignity, but is also accompanied by a deep sense of jealousy, destructive in itself. The experience depends on how often it happened before, betrayal hurts the gullible and devoted person, in which she does not fit into his morality. For a number of people, the partner's remorse, a frank explanation, is very important. If third parties become aware of the betrayal, and if they begin to intervene, then the situation only worsens. The depth of the experience of betrayal most of all depends on the strength of love for a partner and the magnitude of the fear of losing him. Here comes the question of whether to tell your partner about cheating or not. It is clear that a person who has committed treason carries a burden on his soul and he wants to get rid of it. Sometimes the feelings of guilt are so strong that a person even wants to be punished in order to get rid of the burden. He wants to share this burden with a partner, but whether he can do it is often not thought about. It is also necessary to anticipate the partner's reaction - he will be deeply hurt, offended by your confession, he will feel betrayed and humiliated. Not every person will be able to forgive betrayal or never reproach it. However, seeing sincere repentance, a loving person can still forgive, many families who have experienced such a situation unite stronger, realizing how valuable relationships are for them, which once almost were destroyed.

The concept and types of adultery

Problems related to adultery are among the most frequently encountered in the practice of family counseling. About changes for psychological help in most cases women apply.

Extramarital contacts and relationships, traditionally referred to as "treason", are otherwise called adultery, which is translated from French (adultere) - adultery, adultery, adultery. In the dictionary of the Russian language S.I. Ozhegov unfaithful such a person is called "who cannot be trusted, who has violated his obligations to someone or something", and treason is interpreted as "a violation of loyalty to someone or something." Based on these definitions, adultery should be considered as a violation of fidelity in relation to the person with whom the marriage union is concluded. The main indicators of adultery are sexual relations with another partner and a ban on them by the marriage partner, conspiracy of meetings, while the presence of an emotional connection is not necessary. Thus, adultery can be defined as voluntary sexual relations with an extramarital partner, in which one of the spouses enters secretly or without the permission of the person with whom the marital union is concluded.

Change as a variant of violation married life differs significantly from other types of family destruction: conflicts, quarrels, antisocial behavior, crises, divorces, etc. Adultery can occur in practically healthy, socially prosperous families and be absent in destroyed ones. The area of its manifestation is sexual love relationship spouses, while a quarrel, conflict, crisis do not have such qualitative certainty and can develop in the field of domestic, economic, parental and other relations. Although cheating does not concern family relationships in general, but only the area of marital feelings, since its participants are only marriage partners, however, other family members are involved in its experience, which always negatively affects the family atmosphere as a whole, can lead to a serious crisis or breakup of marriage .

No matter how some researchers try to justify adultery, referring to the words of F. Engels that “there are no means against adultery, as against death”, calling for a philosophical attitude to life, one should not forget about the consequences of such love interests. Firstly, adultery threatens the integrity of the family, affecting such important foundations as marital feelings. Secondly, the violation of relations in the marital substructure is transferred to other aspects of family life, destroying emotional, domestic, economic, and even parent-child relationship. Thirdly, a love-sexual relationship on the side is accompanied by feelings of jealousy, resentment, suffering of a deceived partner, which introduces deep affects into the family drama, destructive in themselves. Fourthly, extramarital affairs affect the sense of honor and personal dignity of the betrayed spouse, which makes adultery not only an interpersonal, but also an individual-personal phenomenon. A woman who has been cheated on by her husband feels offended, offended, unhappy. The husband, in the event of his wife's infidelity, experiences a feeling of humiliation, considers himself disgraced and ridiculous, pathetic both in the eyes of others and in his own - after all, the pathetic image of the "cuckold" has been the subject of ridicule from time immemorial. With the concept of adultery on the part of his wife, almost every man is associated with the loss of his male honor. Fifthly, for the "injured party" betrayal of a spouse is the strongest psychological trauma, provoking, along with psychogenic depression and self-destructive behavior (from alcoholism to suicidal attempts), the emergence of pronounced aggressive tendencies towards an unfaithful partner (from the physical There is an opinion that adultery and adultery are not the same thing. For example, the German psychotherapist K. Kofta believes that adultery concerns the body, infidelity - the soul. A. Lippius singles out extramarital sex and adultery within the framework of adultery. The main difference he sees is that that a traitor may not break off the marriage union, but he does not love his wife or husband, he is kept only by some circumstances, for example, children, a career, relative household comfort, which he is afraid of losing. they practice infidelity.

At the same time, intimate-sexual relationships, depending on the duration and stability of extramarital contacts, the nature of the relationship of partners and the subject of a new love interest (random person or permanent, of the same person), can be divided into three groups: random extramarital contacts (short, random connections), erotica sexual adventures (romantic relationships) and extramarital affairs (treason).

What is the difference between each of the selected varieties of extramarital sexual relations?

Random extramarital contact - a single case, episodic, short relationship, little associated with a particular person. Such contact may be the result of sexual need, due to forced sexual abstinence - abstinence (separation or illness of one of the spouses), a manifestation of the need to prove one's sexual capacity to oneself, or provoked by the realization of an accidental opportunity.

Thank you

When entering into marriage, each of us must remember that the family is a living organism, which tends to both originate and grow, as well as mature. Often this organism is also sick. All diseases in this case are presented by life dramas that all families, without exception, have to face. Life dramas can be different, but in all cases they become the cause of development family crisis which not everyone can handle. As a result, we get a divorce, children left without a father or mother, unrequited love etc. But now is not about that. In this article, we will talk directly about adultery- a romantic trap that very often destroys even the most prosperous families. Why spouses cheat on each other, what exactly they think about it and whether it is possible to save the marriage after that, you can find out right now.

Concept definition

Adultery, adultery or adultery is consensual sexual intercourse between a person who is married and a person who is not her or his spouse. Adultery is considered to be the most common cause conflicts in the family, which forces spouses to seek help from a psychologist. This is not surprising, since adultery is one of the most traumatic events that entails a huge amount of acute experiences. In all cases, adultery is a betrayal, but you should not leave immediately. It is important to understand what exactly prompted your spouse to cheat and what exactly the traitor betrayed - himself, you or his principles.

Adultery in Islam

If the representatives of the Christian religion and Judaism treat adultery condescendingly, then the representatives of Islam are 100% sure that the betrayal of one of the spouses is adultery and such people should be subject to the death penalty. If the perpetrator of adultery is married, then he is stoned to death. If the person who committed adultery is not legal spouse or spouse, then he is subjected to 100 lashes. The fact of adultery is considered by a lawyer. The process involves not only those who have changed, but at least 4 other people who have an impeccable reputation. If the testimonies of witnesses diverge for any reason, then they are also subjected to corporal punishment. In this case, they are punished for perjury. Islam does not provide for lynching. It follows from this that the husband, having learned about the betrayal of his wife, has no right to kill her. If a man tells about the love affairs of his wife, but does not provide any evidence of this, then he himself will be punished. It is also important to note the fact that even those lovers who independently confess to adultery are subject to the death penalty.

Features of male and female infidelity

Modern experts put forward several points of view on male and female infidelity. All these points of view come from both political correctness and the latest trends in feminism, the psychophysiological characteristics of the sexes, as well as traditional morality. Numerous researchers argue that male adultery is less dangerous, since cheating husbands most often do not go to their mistresses, because they do not want to create new family. Hence, they stay with their wives. As for the adultery of women, in this case, the leading position is occupied by the emotional component. As a result, the destruction of the family is observed much more often. It is also important to note the fact that the husband's infidelity does not lead to an increase in the family, that is, men do not bring home children who appeared on the side, which cannot be said about women.

Types of adultery

Depending on the conditions of implementation, 3 types of adultery can be distinguished, namely:
1. Casual extramarital contact: in this case we are talking about a single case of treason, which practically cannot be associated with one or another specific person. In most cases, such contact occurs due to dissatisfaction with the needs of the sexual plan. In addition, spouses who want to prove to themselves their sexual capacity can make such contact;
2. Erotic-sexual adventures or romantic relationships: in this case, extramarital sexual episodes are on the face, which, in addition to everything, are regular. At the heart of such relationships is the desire for diversity and new sexual experiences;
3. Fornication: this is nothing more than a betrayal, the hallmarks of which are considered to be the duration and the emergence of a certain emotional attachment.

Causes

There are a lot of reasons that can push a husband or wife to cheat. Right now, 17 of the most common of them will be presented to your attention.

Here is their list:
1. Random connection: in this case, we are talking about unintentional treason, that is, the wife or husband was not going to do this, but everything turned out by itself;
2. Marriage Crisis: if marriage is characterized by a huge number of problems that lead spouses to a dead end, then one of them decides to cheat in order to distract from all these troubles;
3. Trying to find myself: sometimes a spouse or spouse prevents their soulmate from expressing himself in the way he or she wants to. At such moments, most often there is a third person in front of whom you can be who you really are;
4. Desire to warm up the marriage: some people think that if their husband or wife finds out about an affair on the side, this will only strengthen the relationship and make it passionate;
5. Can I please?: with age this question begin to ask themselves both men and women. As a result, having tied up a connection on the side, they manage to get an answer to this question;
6. sexual panic: often a husband or wife feels that their sexual power started to fade. Being in a state of panic, they enter into a love affair to prove to themselves or to themselves that they have remained as strong;

7. The desire to be distracted: We often face difficulties in life. Sometimes they seem so serious to us that we cannot resolve the situation in any way. At such moments, we completely plunge into a romantic oasis that has nothing to do with our family;
8. Revenge: angry at your spouse for the pain you caused, you start relationships on the side in order to simply take revenge;
9. Let's kill the relationship or resurrect it: the meaning is to talk about betrayal, as a result of which the marriage will collapse or become much stronger;
10. Middle age crisis: such betrayals are quite rare, but in all cases they are the result of a crisis in marriage;
11. The escape: You want to leave your husband or wife forever, but you do not know how to do it. It seems to you that the connection on the side will put an end to everything;
12. I just need an excuse: it is quite possible that this is not very fair, but you are so tired that you just need to relax somehow. In this case, betrayal helps to relax;
13. Desire to gain experience that you do not have: before marriage, you did not manage to know all the secrets of sex, so cheating is simply necessary for you to become more experienced;
14. More expensive to sell yourself: You are constantly evolving, but your spouse is standing still. With the help of an extramarital affair, you are trying to find for yourself a person who suits your status much more;
15. Surrogate remedy: You need some help. It is quite possible that you need relationships on the side to raise your self-esteem;
16. Unrealized Needs: You have certain requests, but your significant other, for some reason, does not want to fulfill them. In this case, a lover helps to realize your needs;
17. What if…: with the help of infidelity, you are trying to understand whether or not it is possible to get with someone else what you so lack in marriage. And even if this is so, how big is the difference, as you thought.

Change - what does it signal?

Adultery most often at least about something, but signals. According to psychologists, in most cases, such betrayals are a signal of extinct love. Most often, one of the spouses simply does not have the courage to tell the truth in person, but, of course, one cannot blame for the lack of love. Often, cheating also indicates the presence of problems in the relationship.
So, for example, if a man notices that his wife has moved away from him, then he suddenly becomes attracted to, say, a secretary. At the heart of this attraction is never love. Having decided on such a betrayal, a man first of all tries to cope with frustration ( frustration of expectations). It is treason that is considered to be a signal that a person has some internal problems. The list of such problems is huge. This can be either self-doubt, or unpreparedness for a serious relationship, problems at work, etc.

Types of personalities with a propensity for extramarital affairs

Modern psychologists distinguish both male and female types of personalities who are prone directly to extramarital affairs.
Let's start with female types which are available in the following options:

Adventurer: such women are always on the lookout for non-committal sexual relationships in which they do not have to invest their soul. At home they are exemplary wives, loving mothers and good hosts. Such representatives of the weaker sex, without exception, love their husbands, but in bed they cannot find a common language with them;
"Unsatisfied": such ladies cannot find satisfaction in anything. They are not satisfied with their husband, or their work, or friends, or environment. They fall in love very easily, which makes them feel guilty all the time. Even in relationships outside of marriage, they become unbearable in a fairly short period of time. Their search for the perfect man goes on for all eternity;
Temptresses: prefer to see crowds of fans around them. Sex with them does not satisfy them at all physically, but this is how they manage to confirm their sexuality. Such women love only themselves and allow others to love them;
Defenseless: such ladies do not know the word "no". When a strange man offers them sex, they simply do not know how to refuse him, therefore they agree to extramarital sex, which most often does not satisfy them.

As for the models of male extramarital behavior, in this case everything is much more complicated. There are many more types of male personalities who are prone to extramarital affairs.

Here is their list:

"Collector": such men are often called "catchers of women." The thing is that collectors do not tend to choose women. They take whatever comes their way, as they need variety and change all the time. They like to brag about their victories, but it is important to note that they are all very afraid of betrayal, because in fact they are insecure individuals. To prevent their lovers from cheating on them first, they themselves strike up relationships on the side and leave their wives;
"Narcissus": This category of men is distinguished by narcissism and narcissism. Any relationship that they start is necessary for them solely for the sake of interest in their own person. Such men only know how to take. In return, they give absolutely nothing. They also do not know the feeling of empathy;
"Top of the Triangle": representatives of this type are so-called fighters who are very happy when several women fight for their love at once. They change not for the sake of sex, love or a beautiful romance. Treason for them is a kind of war;
"Don Juan": a noble womanizer who is obsessed with the desire to please all the representatives of the opposite sex. Such men are always in love with someone;
"Eternally Dissatisfied": such a man is always in a state of uncertainty and doubt. His whole life is spent searching for true love, but he fails to find it, as he is unable to experience emotional attachment. Ideal women, in his opinion, do not exist;
"Prince": such individuals need constant attention to their person. If the wife ceases to appreciate them, they immediately turn to extramarital affairs for help, and they have several mistresses;
"Conqueror": the meaning of the love relationship of such men is to achieve the love of a woman who interests them in certain period their lives. This type of man is not difficult to detect, as they use the word "I" all the time, which indicates that they show off in order to prove their advantages;
"Misogynist": such men hate women. The reason for such hatred is hidden in emotional traumas received in childhood and caused by fear of one or both parents;
"Impulsive Man" such representatives of the stronger sex enter into sexual relations with many, and all because they can not resist the temptation. Most often we are talking about a socially immature person who behaves like a small child. crybaby. If he liked a woman, he must certainly get her;
"Man - male": the status of a married man does not stop such men. They continue to go out and have fun with friends, flirt with girls and, of course, sleep with them.

Socio-psychological features of the behavior of partners in extramarital affairs

Extramarital affairs are most often characterized by the following behavioral responses:

"The Search for Happiness": in most cases, it is observed in women who, already in adulthood, continue to remain dependent and immature individuals. As soon as their children become adults, they immediately switch to their husband and begin to ask him to diversify their lives, because, you see, they are bored. Husbands most often do not understand what exactly they need to do. As a result, the wife goes in search of a lover. Such women admit their betrayal, but they believe that this happened through the fault of the husband;
"Housewife Behavior": at the heart of such betrayals is, as a rule, fatigue from a marriage that was built on degrading relationships. Extramarital affairs in such cases help to distract from the domestic routine;
"Gambling": one of the cheating spouses imagines that he is playing gambling, providing for the "extraction" of the opposite sex. The more victories, the higher the sense of self-importance;
"Gone": such behavior is typical of a husband who accidentally changed, who does not want to part with his family. He does not support a casual relationship either, because he understands that he did wrong and wants to get rid of it as soon as possible;
"Solid Game" this game is played exclusively by emotional and mature people who, for one reason or another, are not satisfied with intimate relationships with their spouse.

Possible consequences of love interests

There are a lot of consequences of love relationships on the side, and all of them are not very pleasant.

Here are the most common ones:

betrayal destroys the integrity of the family, as it directly affects the feelings of the spouses;
betrayal destroys domestic, emotional, economic relations, as well as relations between parents and children;
betrayal is accompanied by a feeling of jealousy, which "kills" the soul mate from the inside;
extramarital affairs affect a sense of personal dignity and honor, which makes adultery also an individual-personal phenomenon;
betrayal becomes the cause of severe psychological trauma, against which both psychogenic depressions and aggressive states, apathy, etc. can develop.

Stats are affected by memory

A huge number of representatives of the strong half of humanity are of the opinion that a happily married woman who is completely satisfied with her marriage is not able to succumb to the temptations of an outsider. They believe that only unmarried young girls are capable of casual relationships, but mature individuals will not do this under any pretext. These beliefs are confirmed by science. Almost all psychotherapists are sure that the representatives of the weaker sex for intimacy need both a sincere disposition and emotional attachment, which cannot be said about men who need exceptionally good sex.

As for experienced psychotherapists, they are all convinced that the words of clients should not be completely trusted. The thing is that during the first visit to a psychotherapist, they reveal only minimal amount information, but then from them you can learn all the secrets of their intimate life, and in the most minute details. You can often hear the words that they had sex solely for pleasure. From this we can conclude that wives cheat on their husbands as often as men do. They simply do not reveal their secrets. Even if the romance on the side did not suit them, they immediately forget about it forever. If we talk about men, then they most often tend to shout about their adventures publicly, as a result of which the wives learn about their betrayals from themselves.

Cheating through the eyes of men and women

Representatives of the strong half of humanity most often explain their betrayals by sexual need. In most cases, such a need has nothing to do with spiritual or emotional sides communication. It is necessary solely for satisfaction, and an extramarital affair can be started both with a co-worker, and with a girlfriend, wives of friends, etc.
Often, men also cheat during the moments of temporary absence of their wives, that is, when their loved ones leave on a business trip or visit their parents. Quite often, the cause of extramarital affairs is the condition alcohol intoxication. Only 10% out of 100 men begin to cheat because of love for another woman. It follows that the role of love in extramarital relationships is minimal.

Every 10th of the men claims that he began to cheat on his wife solely out of curiosity. Some take this step in order to assert themselves or take revenge on their soulmate. In all cases, such relationships are characterized by men as sexual rather than emotional. Concerning female infidelity, then in this case dissatisfaction in marriage is put forward in the first place. Since this is the reason that most often pushes women to cheat, they all try to find themselves a serious lover who could give them everything they lack in marriage. If extramarital relations are tied up with a woman, then they are most often accompanied by emotions.

Reactions of a deceived partner to adultery

Upon learning of the betrayal of a spouse, a deceived partner most often develops severe stress. It is worth noting that stressful state the second side is also subjected, and, moreover, despite the fact that the betrayal was committed by it. However, if the traitor very quickly finds an excuse for himself, then only the deceived side will have to suffer. People in this state themselves do not know what they are doing, so they make mistakes quite often. Dealing with change is really hard. In this case, both behavioral and cognitive, as well as affective reactions predominate. In some cases, victims experience various combinations such reactions. As for cognitive reactions, they are manifested in the desire to analyze the fact of treason. The person is trying to understand why this happened and who is to blame for it. It is clear that he wants to create an accurate picture of the event and trace its background.

If we talk about affective reactions, then they are expressed in various emotional experiences. A person experiences fear, hatred, anger, despair, contempt, a feeling of inferiority, etc. In addition, he knows that he loves and harbors hope that everything will end in the best way. And finally, behavioral responses that are characterized by struggle or rejection. The deceived partner may immediately abandon his spouse or try to restore their relationship by any means. You can keep a partner both with the help of threats, and with the help of requests, blackmail or persuasion.

Types of reactions to treason

According to the strength of experience, they distinguish the following types reactions to change

1. Active or aggressive reactions: such reactions are inherent in strong-willed individuals who are looking for the information they need, do not hide their feelings, struggle to get their partner back and constantly compete with an opponent or rival. They may also manifest such a form of reaction as a complete break in relations. In this case, the joint management of the household is terminated and the spouse is faced with the fact of the inevitability of a divorce if his extramarital affair is not immediately interrupted. In most cases, partners who are practically independent of marriage allow themselves this. This approach forces the traitor to make one decision or another. If the spouse is allowed to see the children, then he most often chooses an extramarital relationship. If it is impossible to see children, then the man most often remains in the family.

2. Passive or defensive reactions: they are characteristic of weak-willed people who are not able to make any attempts that could influence family relationships. Such people are jealous inside themselves, but they are afraid to say it publicly. The deceived partner partially stops communicating with the traitor. He limits both manifestations of love and emotional manifestations, while continuing to share the same bed and life with the traitor. The partner is presented with a lengthy ultimatum. So, for example, he will need to break off an extramarital affair within six months or a year. All this time, there is no talk of the existence of a lover or mistress. Ignored and information relating to extraneous communications.

The intensity of experiences

Both the depth and the duration of the experiences of the situation of betrayal are determined immediately by several factors. First of all, we are talking, of course, about the nature of the relationship with the marriage partner. If the fact of infidelity was revealed against the background of serious conflict relations in the family, then it is perceived as something due, namely, as a natural consequence of what is happening. If everything went smoothly in the family, then unexpected news becomes the cause of very deep and acute experiences. In the list of other factors on which the intensity of experiences directly depends, one can add a general review, the frequency of such situations, the duration of the unresolved situation, etc. Reactions to betrayal are also determined by the characteristics of the psychology of sex. So, for example, wives are psychologically more prepared for such news. As for men, they suffer much more, since such a “stab in the back” in most cases comes as a surprise to them. Deceived wives almost always want to look into the eyes of their rival in order to evaluate her and compare with themselves, which cannot be said about deceived husbands who are very afraid of being face to face with their wife's lover.

How to punish your husband for cheating?

When you find out that your husband has another woman, do not rush to immediately tell him about it, especially if you do not want to ruin your perfect marriage at all. Leaving this fact without attention, of course, is pointless. The culprit should be punished, and in such a way that he thinks and wonders if he did the right thing in relation to you and your family life. Remember, punishment is not pain. In this case, punishment is a developed technique of behavior that will make a man doubt the correctness of his actions. And now, as regards directly the methods of punishment.

Here they are:

Method number 1: "Punishment of Love": we note right away that this method is rather complicated, but there is no doubt about its effectiveness. It provides for the environment of your husband with care, love, attention and respect. It is love for yourself that he expects from you. Feeling it, he no longer wants to look for someone else. Moreover, he will begin to wonder why he needs a strange woman if you are nearby - sweet, beautiful, kind and affectionate.
Method number 2: "The Punishment of Jealousy": this punishment will help you both punish the traitor and slightly warm up the cooled feelings. Note that this method is quite dangerous, but it is still worth the risk to use its help. It is necessary to use it only after your beloved man fully feels your care and love. The main thing is not to forget that only his fantasy should be the basis of jealousy, and not the facts that will confirm your infidelity. The facts that have appeared will only aggravate the general state of affairs, since the man will no longer trust you. The situation should look like this: there is a reason, but there is really nothing to blame. It is your actions that should make him guess. If he asks you a question, answer it ambiguously and then there will be even more questions. Remain a woman of mystery. Men love difficulties, you should not open all the cards in front of them.

Therapy for adultery

As we have said, adultery is crisis situation in marriage, which can be resolved in only 2 ways. In the first case, we are talking about divorce, but in the second - about the preservation of the marriage union. Without a doubt, the first thing that comes to the mind of a deceived woman or a deceived man is, of course, a divorce, but do not forget that such a decision is quite serious. Don't make rash decisions. To begin with, carefully weigh and consider everything.
Do not forget that you can get a divorce at any time, but is there another man or woman with whom or with whom you will feel just as happy, apart from this “situation”. In this case, the only reasonable solution would be to try to save the family.

Forget about treason and return to normal life Can. To do this, get a consultation with a psychologist who will tell you in detail about exactly how you need to act in order to fully restore the marital partnership. If we talk about behavior in communication, then in this case it is necessary to completely stop talking about both betrayal and emotional manifestations, as well as mutual evaluation. Learn to maintain exclusively formal communication. As for sexual relations, they should be continued, especially if the desire is mutual. In the field of spending free time, it would be appropriate to establish open relationship and give each other the opportunity to have fun the way you want it, and it doesn’t have to be done together. On a personal level, try to switch to something meaningful. It can be children, work, study. Sit down, talk calmly, discuss all the problems, talk frankly about what exactly does not suit you in a relationship.

You should not be shy about each other, because you are close people who should understand the problems of your soulmate. Sincerity will definitely help you gain peace, and then you will understand that very soon everything will be much better than before. Do not forget that you are not the only person who received such a blow in the back. There are millions of such people on earth. Many of them managed to cope with this kind of problems.

Cheating is the most severe test that can befall a family, but it is this test that can make your family even stronger. In any case, the choice is yours.

According to the statistics of divorce every year is becoming more and more. An increasing number of people entering into a family union are asking the same question - Is it possible to prevent adultery at all?
Modern psychologists are 100% sure that this can be done. Moreover, they offer certain ways to prevent adultery. First of all, you need to regularly take an interest in both the life and the internal state of your soulmate. In no case do not give up joint interests and spend as much time as possible alone. In addition, it is important to continue to monitor your appearance and this applies to both women and men. Do not forget to maintain your figure, take care of your hair, nails, face, chest, etc. In addition, psychologists recommend that you also take care of your character. Very often, with age, our character changes not for the better.

If your loved one chose you for your kindness and optimism, then turning into an evil passive person, he is unlikely to need you. In addition, you need to push into the background and your suspicion. stop reading it email, sniffing his clothes, rummaging through his pockets, scrolling through messages and lists of incoming and outgoing calls. It is strictly contraindicated and completely dissolved in a partner. You must remain a person who has his own opinion, his own preferences, his own desires and, most importantly, his own dignity. If all this does not happen, then very soon you will become uninteresting. And, of course, you should not adjust the partner for yourself. It won't end well either. Do not force him to change his place of residence, quit his favorite job, etc. If he does not like your desires, then he will run away from you at the first opportunity.

Conclusion

If you have ever been cheated on, then you probably know how painful and excruciating it is. If you have ever cheated, then you know this feeling of youth, pleasure and passion that covers you with every new romance. The paradox is that there is no right or wrong here. Cheating is a romantic trap that we fall into and then can’t get out of it for a long time, hurting the person we really love. Most often, only having been on both sides of the “barricades” do we understand what exactly our partner feels.

What will happen to you if you find out that your loved one has cheated on you?
Think about it at your leisure...

Before use, you should consult with a specialist.