How to get along with a hot-tempered person? How to get along with your mother-in-law in the same apartment: advice from a psychologist

Guest article.

It’s not for nothing that people tell jokes about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Everyone knows the situation when a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cannot get along in the same space. All this becomes even more complicated when newlyweds have no choice but to live with their parents due to lack of funds to rent or buy housing. But any conflict can be avoided by following the advice of experts.

What to do and what psychologists say about this

Having decided to marry the man you love, you must understand that he has parents, and you will have to build relationships with them as well. For the most part, every mother experiences some degree of jealousy towards new woman, who is now also loved by her son. Everyone experiences these feelings - even smart and self-sufficient mothers.

First of all, the daughter-in-law must understand that the mother-in-law is a stranger who is not obliged to love her. However, all people should respect each other, especially those who live under the same roof - this is important requirement in communication between two people, no matter who they are to each other. There is no need to demonstrate your talents and merits, trying to earn someone’s favor with these actions - you won’t gain it this way, but you can achieve it with your own respectful attitude. This is rule number one!

New family - new laws

Having entered someone else's family, a girl must realize that she is thus, in some sense, intruding into someone else's life, into a house that has its own habits and laws. Some of them may seem strange to a young woman, sometimes unnecessary, but she is obliged to accept them, because they don’t go to someone else’s monastery with their own rules. To avoid conflicts, you should respect other people's rules and not ignore them.

If you still want to make some changes in the lives of other people, then do it gradually and imperceptibly, it is possible that mother my husband will go will meet you and begin to change something. But it’s better to use your rules on your territory, because you will have at your disposal separate room. Try to give in to your mother-in-law’s wishes, but do not forget about your desires and principles. If you constantly sacrifice own interests, you will feel unhappy, and this will negatively affect your relationships with your husband and other people.

Demarcate the space

It is important to distinguish where your “possessions” end and other people’s personal space begins. This important point, so it’s worth dotting the i’s right away. If you don't like people entering your room without knocking or taking your things, then by all means say so, but do not forget about correctness. Also, you should not invade other people’s space, try to find out what your mother-in-law does not like, and also try to fulfill her demands. Sincere conversation will help solve many problems, so don’t hush them up.

Financial independence

Usually, when parents help their children financially, they consider themselves entitled to interfere in their lives, judge and give advice. Naturally, this has a negative impact on relationships. Therefore, try to gain financial independence as early as possible, preferably before getting married.

It will be better if you get a job, because you will have less contact with your mother-in-law, which means there will be fewer conflicts. If you have financial difficulties, then it is more expedient to ask for the required amount in debt rather than to use someone else’s labor for free.

Establishing a relationship with your mother-in-law is not difficult. Pay attention to her, treat her with respect, consult with her, listen to her advice, and over time she will become your best friend.

Wedding, Honeymoon, shared dreams lead to living with parents. The mother-in-law remembers that her boy is now not only her beloved son, but also her beloved husband.

Even if your husband's family received you well, it is worth knowing the rules of general residence.

1. Keep traditions alive.

you have invaded new house and disrupted the life that had existed there for many years. There is no need to change the rules and habits of the family.

Honor the formed traditions, follow them. This will show your upbringing and respect for new family members.

You shouldn't follow absurd rules. Don't start uprisings, carry out a quiet revolution, gradually introducing ideas.

2. Keep your distance.

Annoyed by curious glances? Limit personal space from the very beginning. Do not allow strangers into the room without knocking.

Do not turn a family corner for privacy into a walk-through yard– the relationship with your husband will suffer.

Don’t put off the remote issue, your future coexistence depends on it. But do not forget that the daughter-in-law is not the mistress of the house, but a guest.

3. Maintain financial independence.

Prove that you are no longer children - you can take care of yourself. In case of urgent need, ask for a favor or borrow an amount.

Once you get a job, you can feel material power over the situation and meet less often with your husband’s mother.

4. Respect your mother-in-law's opinion.

You shouldn’t “poke” on the first day of dating. Show that you respect and appreciate your mother-in-law. Maintain subordination, do not speak familiarly.

5. Divide your life.

There are two housewives in one house - do not turn household duties into duties. Demarcate the territory, clean up your part.

It is worth introducing a cleaning regime, dividing responsibilities by day. You shouldn’t make the schedule yourself; try to show your husband’s mother that she is the main schedule maker.

6. Find common ground.

Find common topics for conversation. The two women will have something to talk about. Don't gossip or complain about your husband.

It's better to suggest a joint hobby like shopping or a walk in the park in the evenings.

7. Pay attention.

Mother-in-law is a woman. Compliment your new neighbor, but don't flatter her. Give small gifts with no reason. Listen to your husband's mother's advice, you don't have to follow it.

8. Talk about her son.

Don't start a conversation in a negative way, especially on emotions after a quarrel. No mother wants to hear that she raised her child poorly.

9. Analyze the situation.

Is it impossible to live next door? Is your mother-in-law annoying? Make a list of your mother-in-law's claims, try to discuss them in a calm atmosphere, giving reasons.

10. Don't conflict.

My husband's mother screams loudly and stomps her feet? Don't make it worse. If you are going crazy too, you should forget about friendly relations with a new mother.

11. Don’t take quarrels out in public.

Don't tell your husband what his bad mother . To ensure peace reigns in the family, do not discuss quarrels with friends and relatives. It is better to resolve disputes among ourselves.

1. Separate living space. Don’t huddle together in a one-room apartment, start an independent life.

   No need to run to the bank and take out a mortgage tomorrow, rent an apartment or find out how to get a room in a dorm.

2. Humble yourself. Accept your mother-in-law with all her whims and hysterics. The situation is unbearable, what is impossible to tolerate? Discuss with your husband the option of living separately.
3. She is the head of the family. Do not deny life experience, primacy new mom. By undermining her authority, you will make the situation worse.
4. Mother-in-law is not a mother. It’s good if the husband’s mother treats her daughter-in-law warmly. But the closer your relationship, the greater the dose of moralizing.
5. « She doesn't let us live normally! Never complain about your mother-in-law, do not blame her for all the problems in your marriage.
6. Solve problems with your husband. According to the advice of psychologists, it is necessary to intervene in “woman feuds”. Sometimes an outside perspective helps resolve conflict situation.

Pros and cons of such accommodation

Is it terrible to live with your husband's mother? Tears, divorce, children in half? Compare the pros and cons cohabitation, look for a way out of this situation.

• In any situation you can find a way out. If problems arise with the distribution of labor, it is worth creating a cleaning schedule. The method will save time and nerves.
• My home - my rules. Law of parental apartment. Not satisfied with the laws of general stay? Express your opinion, giving reasons for disagreement.
• Restaurants have not been canceled! Hint to your husband that you want to spend time together, get alone for at least a few hours.
• Sometimes the advice of the old generation really turns out to be useful. Before you refuse to follow your mother-in-law's instructions, listen carefully. The more you communicate, the faster you will get along.

Useful video

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Sometimes this turns into the real truth. Especially when you live in the same apartment with another woman. This is the mother of your chosen one - mother-in-law. There are happy outcomes to this story, and there are times when the daughter-in-law just wants to run away.

How to get along with your mother-in-law in the same apartment?

Let's develop this topic to the fullest and consider first what types of mothers-in-law are there?

How it was...

Oh, these meetings, then you stood happy with him in the wedding palace, your parents cried with happiness, and the guests shouted “bitterly”! You have already experienced the exciting moment of meeting his family. You entered the threshold of your husband and mother-in-law's house, deciding to live together and make good money! Live and not bother. But it was not there. Everyday life led to conflicts. What to do? Calm down, we'll sort it out now!

As it is…

For happy daughters-in-law

• His mother is calm and tolerant. Treats you with understanding. She doesn't invade yours personal life and values ​​the sanctity of your marriage.
• His mother creative person . She is passionate about her hobby and doesn't care about you at all. She is in her world of harmony. She doesn't care about finding out your flaws or putting pressure on your patience.
• His parents live separately. And you are happy! Don’t forget to visit them and take an interest in their affairs. Worry about your health, listen to advice and instructions. Dearly retire to your hearth!

For daughters-in-law who aren't too lucky...

• Mother-in-law is a widow. She herself put her son on his feet, taught him at the institute, made him a real man. The son, of course, will treat his mother with love and listen to her. You, in turn, admire her as a strong and courageous woman. Give thanks whenever possible for raising such a person. worthy man. Be respectful and always listen.
• Mother-in-law and son are in conflict. In this case you have two best solutions: remain neutral (don’t take sides), don’t give reasons to drag you into their conflict situation. Everything will be fine!
• Sissy - the most difficult case. She raised him herself, cherished him, and then you entered your son’s life, and you live under the same roof with your mother-in-law. How to live with your mother-in-law in the same apartment? Don’t try to “crush” him, he will listen to his mother. Most likely, your mother-in-law will nag you. After all, he is her boy, her favorite! A complex case that requires consultation with a family psychologist.

People are different. It is impossible to clearly characterize a person or talk about life. After all, there are many situations, and people tend to change. Therefore, in a ghostly sense, let us decompose the concept of “mother-in-law” into separate types. Perhaps at one of the points you will recognize your mother-in-law.

A monster in a skirt or a mother-in-law who is a housewife.

Portrait: this is not a woman, but an “electric broom”. This is a storehouse of all the most incredible qualities: she is gorgeous at work, at home, in the country. She has everything on schedule - breakfast, lunch, dinner. She loves to plant flowers, preserve food, and cook all sorts of goodies. She always has a tidy house, clean things, the refrigerator is “full” of food, and there is always something fried, steamed, stewed, baked on the stove or in the oven, brakes are always prepared for all family members. “She has golden hands,” all family members say. She has time always and everywhere, everything “burns” in her hands. She is smart and calculating.

She earns well, shops economically, her son and husband are well groomed, and her dacha garden is perfect. She even prepares borscht in a special way, adding all the ingredients to the right proportions. The way her family loves her. This is a holy tradition.

She is, of course, a hardworking woman and a smart housewife, but, frankly speaking, you are out of luck. Life with such a mother-in-law will be according to the scenario: “The mother-in-law said”!

She will be the mistress of the kitchen, so get ready to observe her traditions and adhere to her rules. Such a woman is the mistress of the house and will not tolerate your “but I think”...

You will have to play along and get used to it. If you start a competition, be aware that you will lose and make an enemy. Peaceful coexistence and adherence to traditions and morals will allow you to “survive” in such a family. Living separately is the most delightful option. Having sensed such a catch, try to immediately set a condition for your spouse: “We will live separately.” And strive for it.

Mother-in-law is like a friend.

There's not even anything to talk about here. You get along well and everything is great in your relationship. The main thing is that everyday life and problems do not alienate you from each other. Try to learn friendliness from her. Don't show your character. Support your mother-in-law, save yours warm relations. She's like a friend to you.

When you need to give in, be more loyal, be open and sincere. And everything will be fine with you. The main thing is not to conflict, but if possible, if a conflict is brewing, smooth it out with your smile and hugs with the words: “Mom, you don’t need to do that. Let's forget." Support your mother-in-law in her interests, for example, you can watch TV series together or plant flowers, lively discussing how Juan fell in love with Juanita, or what a wonderful flower, how to care for it and where you will place it.

Business mother-in-law.

• Portrait 1. Your mother-in-law is a businesswoman. Most likely, her son is also successful in life. His mother instilled in him the acumen of a leader and, thanks to her competent upbringing, he became rich and successful. Or is it theirs family business. This is a real team with their own interests. Strangers in such a family and their opinions will not be tolerated. You need to conform.
• Portrait 2. Unlike the successful mother-in-law, her son is spoiled and is used to “sitting” on his mother’s neck. Such a spouse will most likely expect the same from you. Just try to earn little or not enroll your child in an elite kindergarten. All family problems will sit on your shoulders, organizing shopping and planning family budget Same. If you fail, the demand will be only on you, you will be to blame for everything.

Your mother-in-law will most likely not interfere in your life. She just has no time for you, she has things to do. She will give gifts, provide money, but you must also succeed in financially. You must fit into their circle. Such a mother-in-law will like a woman with a personal opinion, sound judgment and a streak of success and leadership. If you are a “village”, then you will most likely be “survived”. Although in this life anything happens!

A whole book could be written about the types of mothers-in-law. And our article cannot be too long. Don’t blame us, we have only considered 1% of what happens in our dizzying lives.

Advice: try to live separately in any situation. This will give you a chance to build relationships and family according to your scenario, to be free and do what you are free to do, what you want. You will be a queen in your palace!

And how are you? Do you live separately or with your mother-in-law? What is your relationship with his parents?

Having heard that when you get married you are going to live in your mother-in-law's house, married friends will probably be horrified. However, it happens that a young family still does not have the opportunity to live separately. What should I do?

The main problem is to share spheres of influence with my husband’s mother. Any woman needs her own home, and since you leave your “home” place for your husband, you have the right to expect that the new place will become a new home for you. However, your mother-in-law lived there long before you and did a good job running the household.

Still from the film “My Mother-in-Law is a Monster”

Love? Simply - respect

If you decide to live in your mother-in-law's house, you become a member of her family. Determine for yourself whether your mother-in-law suits you as a person in general? Ask yourself, are you ready to consider your husband’s mother a member of your family? Are you ready to say hello to her every morning, and if possible, friendly? Are you ready to sincerely choose a birthday gift for her? Are you ready not to share her son with her? If internally you view her as an “extra” person, as a hindrance to your family happiness, - your imaginary idyll is under threat. Weigh everything wisely, even before the wedding.

Defining boundaries

At the stage of the “new housewife” entering her husband’s house, all conflicts between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law occur not at all because one of them did any specific “wrong thing,” but because one side violated the boundaries of the personal space of the other. For each person, these boundaries are located in different places, and determining the location using the “scientific poke” method is flammable. Living in the same house with a new person who belongs to a different generation and was formed as a person in completely different conditions than you is only possible if you remember every minute: you and your mother-in-law are completely different.

You should not rely on intuition, especially on your own opinion, it will only harm you in this situation. Discuss your life together in advance, and, as far as possible, find out everything openly and down to the smallest detail. Remember that your family status lower than that of your mother-in-law for many reasons: she is the mother of your husband, she is older, she is the mistress of the house where you are going to live. It's not that you're always destined to play Cinderella. However, it is you who should ask your mother-in-law how she sees your participation in household. First of all, you yourself are interested in building a husband with your mother a good relationship, so don't wait for her to share her views with you. Start the conversation first

Financial questions Discuss this with your husband before you move. You must clearly know in which direction the family flows. financial flows. The difference in age and tastes often prevents the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law from having a common budget and living peacefully - at the same time. For a young woman, it is much more important how she looks than how good the greenhouse in the country is. In most cases, a successful way out of the situation is, however, a separate budget with a common household, and many mothers-in-law themselves insist on this. You will find yourself simultaneously freed from the title of “spoiled mooch” and from the need to constantly remember about gardening equipment. The mother-in-law will be protected from receiving a shock due to the fact that she finds out the price of a ticket to a fashionable theater premiere.

• 1 Be prepared to learn how to cook from your mother-in-law. This is in your own interests: the more your kitchen resembles “mom’s,” the more your husband will love you. For your part, you can enrich us with something home menu. Contrasting your habits with the way of the home where your spouse grew up usually leads a young family to separate their budget and buy a personal refrigerator. In such houses older mother(usually through his son) sometimes asks his daughter-in-law to replenish the stock of public goods vegetable oil, and the son from the next room “brings her the news” that the wife is against it: she just bought public salt from her salary. Well, many families actually live like this for years. Some even manage to be friends, and on holidays one family “visits the other.”
• 2 Any mother-in-law is pleased if her daughter-in-law asks her for advice. Be careful: accept the commands kindly, but do not swear on blood to use them, show that you still have the right to decide for yourself. Not all mothers-in-law are infinitely wise, otherwise the “second mother” may be offended by you for neglecting her care.
• 3 Maintain a harmonious balance between independence and correctness. If you consult with the head mistress every 5 minutes, she will think that you don’t know how to do anything. If you start commanding right away, it turns out that you are an invader.
• 4 Don’t give in to provocations like: “Work (study), I’ll do everything.” This may well be said sincerely, but in six months the mother-in-law herself will not be happy. IN best case scenario she will think you are lazy “in private.” At worst, she will complain to her son or accuse her daughter-in-law of leaving “all the dirty work” to her. To avoid misunderstandings, urge your second mother to assign you a specific area of ​​work for which you are responsible.
• 5 Immediately outline your zone of immunity. Just keep your room in order yourself. Tell me immediately if you don't like it when closed door open without knocking. There is nothing terrible if you ask your husband to put a parallel telephone in the room: who likes to have any conversations in the company of someone else? Clearly indicate to your spouse’s mother those habits that you cannot give up. Please note that your living together will not last even a month if you make too many sacrifices at her altar.
• 6 Try not to complain to your husband about your mother-in-law. Common female mistake- to believe that the son can settle differences between the two most beloved women better than they themselves. On the contrary, any man gets nervous when he finds himself between two fires: after all, he is forced to “choose”, but he did not intend to do this. No matter how hard he tries, he will not be able to find a Solomonic solution, and his daughter-in-law and mother-in-law will also be offended by him. Resolve all ambiguities in the situation, do not hush up irritation. On provocative question relatives, “Is your mother-in-law good?” answer with a smile: “I’m the one who’s good!”
• 7 Never quarrel with your husband in the presence of your mother-in-law and ask your husband that he express any dissatisfaction to you only in private.
• 8 Don't forget the spicy folk wisdom: for every sneeze you can’t say hello. Don't even try to "be better than you are." This will tire you pretty soon, after which you will also have the pleasure of watching how the “second mother” is “ostentatiously disappointed” with you... Do not torture yourself with vain attempts to love your mother-in-law if this does not work out. Remember: to love your mother-in-law, you must marry sibling, and this, fortunately, is impossible.

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