Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world that inspires, energetically fills the soul of a person and makes him happy. Love fascinates and elevates a person, especially if this feeling is mutual.

Unfortunately, it often happens that love is not mutual. One loves and the other doesn't. The lack of reciprocity hurts a lot and sometimes causes unbearable pain, which is very difficult to cope with.

unrequited love may be a consequence of either the initial lack of feelings in a person, or its loss due to certain reasons (quarrels, betrayals, misunderstandings in relationships, violence, etc.)

You can often hear that real love will never survive. Psychologists say the opposite. Love lives exactly as long as a constructive relationship between a man and a woman lives. The construct is completed - in this place, instead of love, there is codependence or a break in relations.

Constructive relationships are characterized by mutual deep affection for each other, respect, sympathy, sex life, care and vision of a common future, the desire to build a family and have children, etc. If the relationship is maintained mutually, then love is alive and well. Yes, there are problems, sometimes novelty and passion disappear somewhere, but if there is love, then everything can be fixed. If one of the partners or both begin to show disrespect, suppression, rudeness, inattention, etc., then the feelings of the other person turn into one-vector ones. What does it mean?

Take two glasses, fill one with water. Now pour some water from full to empty. Both glasses are filled with water. In different quantities, or maybe the same. Doesn't matter. The bottom line is that how much water you poured, exactly how much you can get back into your glass. No more, no less.

Water is love. The glass is the person. If you don't pour out the water, you don't get it back. You pour out a lot - you get the most of it.

A striking example is mother's love. Why is she real? Who would doubt her? A mother loves her child simply because she loves. All. She fills her child's glass to the maximum, unconditionally. And the child, accordingly, answers the same.

The metaphor with glasses is indicative in all spheres of life. In relationships with society, with nature, with oneself.
Marina ironed 20 shirts for her husband. She hung it on her shoulders, sits and rejoices. Just because she loves him. By evening, I forgot that I was ironing. And even if he does not notice her work, it does not matter. She felt the thrill of love, not of anticipation of praise or appreciation.

Veronica ironed 20 shirts for her husband. In addition, I cooked a 4-course dinner "from the chef", ran to work (damn it!), sewed up my son's sock (how can you be so bow-legged ?!), washed the floors, washed the sweater. Tired completely. Lord, when will you live? Like a squirrel in a wheel, and who will say "thank you"? The son is a slob, the husband is a slobber. I am a poor woman. Not even a woman, but a tank!

And who loves? At first glance, of course, Veronica. After all, so much plows for the benefit of the family. There is no time to take a bath, let alone sleep. And Marina is like a servant. She does and wants nothing in return.

Now back to our glasses. What did Veronica actually pour into him? Love? No. Exceptionally pending evaluation. Appreciate, praise, thank, so they love. Not I LOVE, but LOVE ME. And what does this lady get in return? Love? No. What you give is what you get. The husband does not notice, he does not remember when he talked with his son without anguish.

And what did the “servant” Marina give? Love and joy from love. Therefore, he receives it from her husband in full. Today he gave her a fish. I didn’t see the point in the fish, but Marina really wanted it.

And expecting a return is codependency. Inside is empty, there is no love. But I expect it from others. In the end, you are unhappy. Because NO OTHER can fill you from the outside. Only themselves.

Thus, love sometimes dies or is absent from the beginning. And it hurts. It's hard to deal with, but it's possible.

If unrequited love has befallen you and you are suffering, the following tips will certainly help you regain inner peace and meet new love real and mutual.

Determine your attitudes and motivations

Before crying over unrequited love, you should figure out what kind of relationship you are in with a person. Accordingly, then it is easier to make a decision - to forget or love yourself further.

If you were directly informed that you are not loved and you are not married or cohabiting with a person, there is nothing serious between you, then you should think about yourself and stop communicating with this person. Delete him from your life and never remind yourself of yourself. Time will pass and everything will be forgotten.

If, for example, you are in marriage union and you fell out of love, then the situation is complicated by a joint life and its division, the presence of children and the memory of so many years together happy life. Often couples decide to continue living together, understanding and accepting the fact of dislike, but keeping a family is more important for them than unrequited feelings.

In any case, there is always a choice. Either way, it will hurt. But! If you are a self-confident and sane person, then you should understand that once you have been tormented and survived a breakup, you have a chance to meet another person and love each other.

If you stay with someone you don't love, or don't specifically enter into relationships with other people, hoping that someday you will be loved, you lose the chance to build your life and be happy. You choose eternal pain.

Throw out emotions

The feeling of unrequited love, or rather, pain, creeps very deep into the soul and a person lives with this “background”. He walks somewhere, communicates with someone, eats something. But the general emotional state is like a squeezed lemon, actions take place automatically. In this state, a person can get stuck for a long time, which basically happens.

In order to get rid of this background, you need to throw out the emotional pain outward in any way.

It is important to understand that throwing out pain and expecting reciprocity are two different things.

For example, a woman fell in love. Not mutual. She decides to let go. He cries, suffers, discusses his tight essence with his girlfriends. After a while, the pain goes away. And another woman in the same position throws out her pain on a man, they say, you are so and so, it hurts me. IN this case, the difference in motivation. Both one woman and the other hurt. But, if the first wants to live through the pain and move on, then the second clearly demonstrates the desire to influence a man and beg him for love.

If you are the first woman, then splash out the pain and part with it without regrets and expectations.

Scream, cry, wail, tear photos and throw away gifts, dream of a man worthy of you. Do everything to maximize the period of pain, after which the feelings subside.

Remove him from your life

It is very difficult to live dreaming of a Bentley if the car dealership is opposite your house. Every time you see a car, it hurts you that it is not available to you. So it is with unrequited love. Do your best not to mention ANYTHING about her. Remove a person from contacts in the phone, from the list of friends in in social networks, photos, videos, his things, etc.

Open yourself to new acquaintances

Unrequited love is usually a stumbling block to new contacts and acquaintances.

The opposite sex, as it were, feels that “this person is closed,” and therefore they do not pay attention. Don't be that person.

The pain will pass, but you have to somehow establish a connection with the world! Be sure to meet new people, communicate. Nobody talks about throwing yourself into the pool with your head and twisting novels with someone. But you shouldn't lose your temper. The attention of the opposite sex increases self-esteem and keeps you in good shape. It is quite possible that among new acquaintances one will be found with whom one can love mutually.

When elderly couple, despite all the vagaries of fate, lives in love and harmony for several decades, getting married at twenty-five and never parting, they immediately talk about love for life. This is cool. However, love is different. If it is non-reciprocal, it will only spoil your existence.. What is the danger of love for life?

hopelessness

Your friends have been married for a long time, but you are still single. You have a chosen one, and you are good together, but he is married. And you know that he is not free, because he honestly told you about it and gave you a choice - to be completely alone or to be with him, not hoping that he will leave his wife, because he will not leave her.

However, behind this seeming freedom of choice lies hopelessness. On the one hand, you really have the right to choose, on the other hand, you have low self-esteem. Self-doubt breeds fear of completing these unpromising relationship. In addition, you are afraid that you cannot build new relationships with anyone else. A dangerous situation from which you need to get out as soon as possible, otherwise you will suffer all your life because of unhappy love.

Hope and believe

You have enough fans, many men desire you but your heart is given to only one of them. You are talented, educated, interesting from all sides, but you love a man who is not too eager for a serious relationship. Moreover, he soon leaves you with some overly ambitious person, because he is not ready for something more serious than ordinary flirting. You wait, hope and believe that he will return.

So many years pass in suffering and feeding on false hope, but the man whom you did not stop loving, despite the fact that you have not seen him for a long time, suddenly appears on the threshold with a request to forgive him and marry him. He is ripe for serious relationship, and you gladly embrace the wanderer. The end of the story - everyone is fine, everyone is happy. But everything could end up completely differently: you could suffer unsuccessfully and love, love and suffer until the end of your life.

Bad guy

Girls love bad boys - it's fashionable now. When cute young princesses turn into adult ladies, they, as a rule, outgrow the period of love for bad guys and start looking for suitable candidates for Serious relationships. If you fell in love with your bad boy so much that even after many years you do not want to be with someone else, uh This can deprive you of the last chance for happiness in your personal life. He will torment you, and you, in turn, will endure everything and forgive him everything, how much in vain. If there is no reciprocity, if you do not notice it, then it is better to leave such a man as soon as possible.

Answered these and other questions psychologist, candidate of sociological sciences Anetta Orlova.

"AiF": - Are there time intervals after which crises in relations occur?

A.O.: - Exist certain periods in which couples face problems. For example, a man and a woman met, they begin to form a premarital period in order to accumulate joint positive experiences, which will then help to overcome crisis points. They decided to start a family, they have a common space. Previously, there were I and HE, but suddenly it was formed - WE. In this, WE need to distribute roles: who will throw away garbage, earn money, go to the store - that is, the space changes, division begins into who will do what, what is the order of relations in this family, who has what roles, status, hierarchy , human boundaries. This year is very difficult. The more accumulated positive experiences in the premarital period, the better this time passes. According to statistics, it is good when couples have known each other for 1-1.5 years before marriage. The baggage is accumulated, the sexual attractiveness index is still high, they already know each other more. Further, these crises are easier.

The second crisis begins when the child arrives. The previous contract, which the spouses determined when they began to live together, is invalid, because new person, which is embedded between the pair. Husband and wife seem to grow further apart. Two systems are formed: parent and child. In this system, the pair seems to be stronger, but further apart. The next crisis comes when baby goes to school, the framework of the family is divided, expanded, a lot of external communications are needed.

Then - teenage years in children, the period of an empty nest, when the children grew up, and the parents understand that they were parents, but they were not husband and wife as such, they become strangers to each other. There are many such periods.

Civil marriage

"AiF": - Now many couples before marriage begin to live together to test feelings. But sometimes it turns out that young people have completely different interests and needs in life, while they love each other. What to do in such a situation and how to save the relationship?

A.O.: - Most often on the way to understanding each other stands different image life, different worlds. If a man is already ready for marriage, and a girl is more interested in leisure outside the home, then a man should take care of his own world. It happens that you want to conquer certain peaks, have fewer obligations, and a man is already ready to take on obligations and wants her to do the same.

In such a situation, I would recommend now that the man try to find the hobbies that he wants to pursue, or try the couple to do something together, for example, go hiking together, where he could show his masculinity. As for art, men do not like to create as much as women, they prefer to contemplate.

It happens that a man loves to lie on the couch at home, and the girl understands that she cannot live like that - it is very boring. Sexual attraction alone at night is not enough when people live together. It is necessary to develop all the time in order to be interesting for a partner.

"AiF": - They say: than less woman we love, the more she likes us. Do you agree with thiswording?

A.O.: - There are women who like to look like an easy victim, to worry, to see cons. There are women who, in fact, will not be able to pay the attention of a man at all and enter into communication if they have some suspicion that this is not the main love of her life. For example, it is always important for me to feel myself main love in life, then I agree to invest in this relationship. I need to know that I am not just the only one, but that I am separate from others. All women are different, no matter how much you want, you can not dissolve completely.

Financial crisis

"AiF": - The financial crisis affected many families. How to survive economic difficulties in the family?

A.O.: - In a particular situation, a man may have some problems with earnings. In no case do not belittle its merits. The wife needs to support her husband so that he has an incentive. It is clear that in adulthood a person begins to evaluate his life, worry about what will happen next. I would advise a man to try to take care of himself and his emotional state. In this case emotional condition affects, including earnings.

As soon as the mood improves, the man goes on the rise, he feels that he needs his partner, and everything he does, he does for the sake of the woman. If a woman does not need this, then a man will have apathy, he will not know for whom to do it. In this case, there is a daughter, a family, a desire to save her. Here we need a dialogue between the two partners.

"AiF": - If in crisis situation a woman turns away from a man, can this be called a betrayal?

A.O.: - Human life- This is a very complex palette. It is important how much this man earned, how he earned, how the woman helped him, how he inspired. One situation - when he was a tycoon, she married him, and suddenly he went bankrupt. A completely different situation is when they get married, give birth to a child, for a long time he cannot support his family, as they used to.

Of course, her anxiety and discomfort will increase. The child is small, she will "nag" him, but this does not mean that this is a betrayal, perhaps the person cannot cope with the situation, does not know how to support, selfishness can jump to some extent. But it is impossible to unequivocally call this a betrayal, since we do not know the background.

A holiday romance

"AiF": - How do you assess the situation when a man leaves his family for another woman? Especially if there are children in the family.

A.O.: - Man comes into this world to be happy. The most precious thing we can give to our children is happy parents who care and care about them. If a man rushes between two women, the compromise will be destructive for everyone. If there are no feelings, and the wife is beautiful, the child is already an adult, then she has a chance to arrange her life and not with any discounts.

What's the point of living with someone who doesn't love you? Parent function holds? I think you can be a great parent even if you don't live with your child. It all depends on how much of your space time you are willing to devote to this child. You can be such a dad that the child will only dream of dad going somewhere. You can not live in the same house, and dad will be the most beloved. It all depends on the wisdom of a woman, on the understanding and kindness of a man, on a new relationship. It's very important point- to say all this with your future wife so that the child is not a bargaining chip in a relationship. I think the truth will always be better here. As for what relatives, friends, colleagues and religious figures will say, I will say this: we live once, no one has the right to dictate to us how to do it.

You can live for someone, but at the same time you will take revenge on the person with whom you live, that it will not be sugary at all. Therefore, stereotypes are stereotypes, but if unbearable, you need to think about yourself. But it seems to me that here is one of the very important issues is a matter of controversy.

Often the material issue in the context of parting comes to the fore. Here you get responsibility for two families - fear. A man is even afraid to get married once, precisely because there is a fear of not feeding his family. And then he understands: the second family, the girl immediately wants a child - these are additional obligations.

"AiF": - Can a holiday romance change your life?

A.O.: - It seems to me that if a person makes serious decisions after holiday romance, then perhaps he just has poor control over his emotional background. It is important to remember that the state of being in love is not love at all. There may be passion, emotional attachment.

There are people who love, but not love. The object of love becomes so desirable that the man cannot see himself as separate from this object. Everything around that interferes with this unity is destroyed.

"AiF": - It happens that former spouses they start dating again, their feelings wake up again. What to do in such a situation? Break up with a person completely or try to build a relationship with him again?

A.O.: - You must always play by the rules that you set on the opponent's field. Use his words and his territory. You should not answer him when he wants you to answer him when he calls you affectionate nickname. It is worth considering that you also need to call someone else by an affectionate nickname. Some men need their woman to be wanted, desired, loved by other men. They cannot be in a stable, calm relationship. They need some external stimulus, so the courtship process can be attractive. They win - it turned out - boring.

Remember that a man should occupy exactly as much space in your life as he is willing to give you in HIS life. As soon as a man feels that a woman does not give him as much space as he wants, she will have the opportunity to demonstrate that he does not give her that space either.

Usually a man declares freedom when he believes that his partner is completely dependent on him. He needs freedom for himself. But I think that it all depends on the game that the partners play.