Fatal mistakes that women make in marriage. Women's Mistakes That Lead to Divorce

There is such a myth that people fall in love at first sight and their love lasts forever. However, no one builds houses like this, no one gets a profession like that, and no one recovers like that.

I believe that a woman builds relationships. Do you know why I don't do couples counseling? Because, as a rule, a man asks to prove that a woman is wrong. And he does not expect anything else from a psychologist. I believe that a man only reacts to a woman. He won't react to a psychologist like that. I work with women only because I firmly believe that when a woman changes, a man's attitude towards her changes.

In this article, 7 of the most common mistakes that I had to deal with.

Mistake #1: You read a lot of moralizing

The main mistake in a relationship is a lot of talk on the part of a woman. And it's not just chatter. This is when, instead of explaining the reason for her sadness, she says: “I will explain to you the right way! I know! You don’t know, you don’t at all ... ”She begins her moralizing, for example, in the car, at a moment when he can’t even get out of it. And he continues all the way to take out his brain on an insignificant topic. Then they come home, eat, go to bed, have sex, and in the morning everything repeats.

Mistake No. 2: You are thrown from one extreme to another

Women have another common mistake. They constantly fall into extremes - "always available" or "absolutely inaccessible." There are 2 points:

1. When a woman is available to her partner for intimacy, regardless of his behavior, she loses value both for herself and for her partner.

2. When a woman takes the position of a tough leader or "mother" in the family, she disappears sexual attraction. Because in a man's head, "mom" and "sex" are two different things. "Mom" is for love, and for sex you need to look for another woman.

A woman is a combination of a girl and a mother. Together we get a calm, harmonious woman who can be flexible. Mom cannot be flexible, as she constantly worries about something and must be correct. And a girl can't be flexible just because she's stupid.

When a woman learns to feel herself, she understands what calm joy is. And learns to find the tools to come to this state.

Women are waiting for a man to come who will do something and it will be good. It won't be good. Because the need for love is a basic need. We can only fulfill basic needs on our own. And, if a woman does not know how to satisfy her basic needs on her own, discontent will grow. Although, it would seem, she is doing the right thing, and the man is doing what they write in the magazines. But she doesn't feel. And this is what causes people to break up.

Mistake #3: You hit a tiger with a slipper

A woman often tries to convey to a man that he does not correspond to her ideas. She constantly repeats statements such as: “You are lazy!”, “How much can you?”, “You never make money”, “When will you make a decision?”. And bringing information to him from such a position will eventually make him a “cat” who does not want to come to her.

I have such an allegory when we take a tiger and beat him with a slipper every day. We tell him that he is not strong and not a tiger. I invite women to say phrases such as "You know, I'm sad", "You know, I'm very upset because I explained to you how important this is for me, in the hope that you will understand me." Thus, a woman gives a man responsibility for her condition. It is very important. Because all women are waiting for responsibility. He is an absolutely comfortable creature who does not really like extra responsibility. And it is much easier for a representative of the strong half of humanity to make a woman feel comfortable than to be responsible for the fact that she is sad later.

Mistake #4: You don't realize what happiness is

I have been working for 15 years and for a long time did not understand why girls with completely different statuses, age, experience and upbringing make the same mistakes. And what did I understand? That the responsibility of parents is enormous. Parents should give their daughter the experience of feeling happy, by which she will later identify herself in society. For example, I was not taught to feel happiness. And when a girl enters life, she does not know what a state of happiness is. She knows the state of the fragmentary good grade awards good behavior or anything else. And so she goes into life, not knowing what happiness is, and meets a man who says: “I am happiness!” She takes him to her. 2-3 years pass, and she does not feel happiness.

The main task of parents is to convey to their children what happiness is. And, if a woman brings up and cultivates in herself a feeling of calm joy, she solves two problems at once.

Mistake #5: You don't nurture affection in your kids.

My friend has a daughter who is 3 years old. When she approaches him, she immediately shows affection. By and large, nature shows a model of a girl's behavior. If a woman behaved like this all the time, then the man would have no chance of remaining indifferent. But where does all this disappear with age? Why, when you start to communicate with a girl, you have to wait so long for her to cling to you? When women were children, they did it unconsciously. Why do they need to be taught this again?

This is anxiety. Previous relationship experience. When the girl was deceived three times, she begins to think: “What if he doesn’t need it? Will he push me away?"

When I cling to him, say a kind word, then he will have no way out to be bad. It's the same with our children. First, you must always accept their feelings. If your daughter is crying, you should never tell her that she is crying because of nonsense. I must say that you would also cry in her place. You have to be patient. One of the tools is to let the child know that there is nothing wrong with him. You need to say: "In any situation, I am with you." And you need to stop yourself from moralizing. A lot of people say: “I am in any situation with you, but listen, when I was at your age ...” And it begins ...

Mistake #6: You don't let the man talk.

A man must learn to speak. When he doesn't talk, the woman feels unwanted. The problem is that they make plans alone and do not discuss them with a woman. If he says: “Today I work in order to buy us a house in three years,” then the woman will gladly support him. In the eyes of a man, if he lives with her, comes home and eats soup, then he loves her. But the woman does not understand this. Women ask: “How can I understand that he looks at me a little, comes late and sleeps in another room?” When I ask this question to men, they answer: “Well, I'm with her! Everything is fine". You need to talk to women. You need to say: “I'm tired. Prepare this dish for me." And she will be happy.

How to convey to men that you need it?

The fact is that women see in detail. That is, they make up the whole picture from fragments. And men see the big picture. When a woman does something and asks a man: “Well, how?”, An explosion occurs in his head. He thinks that if he says now and does not hit, there will be a scandal.

There is one good game. When your man asks you to do something, such as asking you where his shirt is, or asking you to make tea, you tell him the following: “Three important words for me, and I will tell you where your shirt is” or “5 kind words and you will have the most best tea in the world". A man really needs to be trained for some time to constantly say such words to you. Later he will use this tool on his own.

Mistake #7: You are not aware of your beauty

Why does a woman, when she goes out, spend hours in front of the mirror and want to look a little better for strangers but doesn't find time to look good at home for her man? This is because the woman is concerned about public opinion. Her man is already there. It is much more important for her that it is not her husband who will say something wonderful, but someone else will tell her husband about what a beautiful wife he has.

This is not a very healthy attitude, and it needs to be eradicated. I believe that being beautiful is a job for a woman for the rest of her life. It doesn't matter how old she is. It doesn't matter who she works for. Under no circumstances should you launch yourself.

Simple techniques for being happy:

Think: “What pleasure will I give myself today?”

Walk 4 kilometers a day on foot. It should not be “here 500 meters now, 500 meters later”. You need to walk 4 kilometers at once.

Drink water! Flush depression out of your body.

Say to yourself: “I approve of myself!” As often as possible.

In short: do what you love in the morning. And the day will start well.

And there's another one good advice: do nothing once a week. Nothing at all. You can’t make your bed, eat yogurt, go to the fitness room, and so on. This is a very important procedure.

Like many, I traveled to Tibet to find answers about happiness. Did not find. It was cold, hungry and scary. I was there for three weeks, and once a week I had the opportunity to ask a question to the sage monk. My secret to happiness is that there are no guarantees. The world is unstable. Everything can change at any moment. And if I don’t take the maximum today, then tomorrow I may regret it.

Each of the parties entering into marriage may have different expectations from this union. Viewpoints regarding family life Each spouse may be different. But what both partners certainly expect from marriage is a feeling of happiness, peace and tranquility. I think there are no sane people who marry for the sake of increasing stress pressure and getting extreme sensations. The presence of peace in the family depends on both partners. Always their joint actions lead to obtaining the results that they achieve.

Imagine your family as an island in a vast ocean. Around him, an ocean full of dangers, raging waves that break on the shores of the island and do not cause him any harm. But only if it stands on a stable foundation. So the waves are external influence environment. IN modern world for a single family, this is a huge list of phenomena and events that affect both the whole family as a whole and each of the spouses. The economic and political situation in the country, stress and nerves at work, the influence of relatives and friends, and much, much more. If the relationship between spouses is strong and based on love and mutual respect, then the influence external factors its stability will be minimal.

Now imagine that a huge geyser began to beat in the center of the island. The water has nowhere to go, the soil does not have time to absorb huge flows of moisture, and the island will eventually disappear into the ocean. The same laws apply in family life. If one of the spouses constantly brings all the negativity received in the external environment to the family nest, then the expected peace, tranquility and happiness will disappear into oblivion.

How to avoid it? This is a fairly broad topic for observation and research. Family life is a relationship of individuals. This is a huge layer. human emotions and psychology. However, it is possible to deduce, if not universal, then inherent in all unfortunate couples, behavior patterns that lead, if not to the complete destruction of marriage, then definitely to a deterioration in relations between spouses.

In this article, we will analyze typical mistakes men that can lead to the destruction of a marriage.

1. Indifference

Yes, this is the reason for the breakdown of relations with his wife in the first place. You often stay late at work, spend more time with your friends, hobbies, computer games? Eventually family life, children, purchases remain on your wife? At the same time, you manage to express dissatisfaction with her appearance and an untidy apartment? If so, then expect a manifestation of discontent from your soulmate.

For a woman in marriage, there is nothing worse than indifference and lack of support from a partner. After all, marriage is a union of two equal people. Naturally, the roles and responsibilities are distributed among the partners. One cooks, the other repairs. As a rule, when entering into marriage, such moments are negotiated, or, according to established traditions and habits, they are accepted a priori.

But when a man begins to shirk his duties and dumps family life on his wife, deep pain, disappointment and irritation arise in her soul. Women begin to feel abandoned and isolated. All this results in the emergence of suspicions of treason, mood swings, reproaches for inaction. A woman begins to show aggression, thereby trying to attract more attention to her man.

Yes, a spouse can be a hero at work, get very tired and come home completely exhausted. But this is not a reason to leave your spouse alone with household chores and problems.

2. Failure to listen

Differences in the psychology of men and women are clearly visible in the situation of discussing problems. When two men discuss a problem, they share facts, listen and seek advice, and look for solutions. When two women discuss a problem, they, for the most part, simply look for support and perceive the interlocutor as a listener who can “cry” and speak out.

What happens when a man and a woman are talking about a problem situation that has arisen in the weaker sex. She is also waiting for support and sees a listener in a man. He perceives her problem as a challenge and tries to solve it. As a result, it turns out that the man is loaded with petty, in his opinion, care, and the woman did not receive moral support and intimacy. Both can remain dissatisfied and annoyed.

So advice to men. Instead of running to solve her every question, try to just listen. You can offer your help. This form of dialogue will be a relief to you, because you will know that it is not necessary to fix all of her problems. Moreover, when you listen, your significant other will feel comfortable around you and perceive you as a grateful and understanding partner.

3. Unwillingness to admit their guilt and apologize

In any, even in the most perfect couple there are conflicts. Alas, there is no way to avoid them. It can be small quarrels or real Brazilian series with scandals and smashing dishes. In any case, the vector of these conflicts and their result entirely depends on the behavior of both partners. Most the right way to the solution of any conflict is the recognition of one's wrong and the commission of actions aimed at reconciliation.

In their husbands, wives often note such a flaw as the inability to admit they were wrong and unwillingness to apologize. This often comes from the fact that many men see an apology as a sign of weakness. They think that if they ask for forgiveness, they will put themselves in a position of guilt and weakness. And in such a situation they will lose the respect of their companion. However, from a woman's point of view, a man's apology looks like an act of repentance and acts as a healing balm for the heart. This is a sign of respect for the existing relationship.

By no means do I urge men to always take responsibility in a conflict and admit to being guilty. We women know how to stir up scandals on empty place. But if you're really at fault, don't be afraid to admit you're wrong and ask for forgiveness. Thus, the conflict will be exhausted in the bud.

4. Irresponsibility

Important quality a real man is the ability to be responsible for his words and deeds. Responsibility, the ability to take a hit, to accept the results of one's work or inaction. With such a man, any woman feels like behind a stone wall. If a man blames only those around him for his troubles, his wife, parents, the government of the country, in the end, then what feelings can he evoke in his companion? Loser label? Least.

It is important to understand that everything that happens to you is the result of only your actions, your choice. You need to take full responsibility for your behavior. You choose what to eat, what to drink, when to tell the truth and when to lie, who to refuse and who not. Therefore, I urge men, instead of blaming someone for this situation, take responsibility for yourself. It will be easier for you. Awareness of your responsibility allows you to understand that only you influence the situation, and only you can take control of it.

5. Negligence in relation to "little things" and lack of attention

How do women know if a man loves them or not? According to the emotions expressed by him, his eyes, gestures, words. And signs of attention. Small and large, which show that a man appreciates and loves her, that he always remembers about her. Such signs of attention are small gifts, reminders, congratulations, hugs.

It is not at all necessary to give a diamond necklace as a gesture of love and recognition. small but unexpected gifts work much better. A rose given during the day, a text message with a declaration of love, help in preparing dinner and much more. Small rewards like these will let your spouse know that you are constantly thinking about her.

It is equally important to remember the main dates in your family life. Yes, yes, this is important. At a minimum, you need to remember the date of your wedding and do not forget to congratulate your spouse.

The behavior of her husband, when he does not remember important dates, does not pay attention to her, women regard it as indifference to their personality. And this is another reason leading to the destruction of marriage.

Men, try to comprehend these tips. You may be able to see your mistakes and readjust. And I am sure that in this case, the improvement of relations with your soulmate is guaranteed to you.

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Almost every second marriage. Why is this happening? After all, for sure, when creating a family, both thought that it was for life. That they will live happily ever after and die on the same day. And so it didn't work...

About the most common mistakes that a woman makes in family relationships, told psychologist Anastasia Ponomarenko.

The quality of family life in b ABOUT depends more on the woman. In a woman naturally better developed qualities such as flexibility, endurance, the ability to calculate the situation. Depend on these qualities, and this is her main, natural female destiny - give birth and raise offspring. Even if it is not conscious.

Why is the one that is key figure in building relationships, can't build them?

1. I am often asked in individual consultations: what to talk about with a guy on a first date ? "About childhood"! I always say. In order for the relationship to be strong, it is desirable that the spouses come out "from the same nursery." So that the role of a man and a woman in the family is perceived by them equally. If your fiancé's father, having come home from work, sat down in front of the TV, and your dad went to the kitchen to help his mother after work, then the ideas about the duties of the spouses will be different. And this is fraught with controversy. It is the woman who needs to think about that family model who had been watching her since childhood future husband, since a man is unlikely to think about such, in his opinion, "little things." This is how you avoid the fundamental mistake of family relationships - attempts to reconcile the incompatible.

2. Often a woman unable, unwilling, or does not want to clearly explain his position to talk openly about your wants and needs. She builds relationships on the principle: "my dear, good, guess for yourself." A man guesses - to the extent of his ideas about the good. The brain of a man is so arranged - he needs clear instructions. This feature once helped our ancestors to survive, to return from hunting alive and with prey. This must be accepted, and learn to speak clearly about your desires and feelings. You should not pout and be silent for 3 days if your husband is late at work. He understands everything, he had a meeting. The reason for your resentment will seem funny to him at first, then it will begin to annoy. Therefore, it is better to say directly: “Darling, when you are late, warn. Otherwise, I feel great anxiety for you and I'm scared.. He, of course, will laugh, but next time he will call - now he has a reasonable and clear instruction on how to act .

3. Praise! The effectiveness of positive reinforcement was discovered by I.P. Pavlov, use scientific achievements to build family happiness. If your husband went to the store or washed the dishes, be sure to thank him . Say that without him it would be difficult for you to cope, and how grateful you are to him, and how wonderful he did everything! Remember: female admiration is the most desirable and bewitching feeling for men.

4. Designate for yourself the main reference points of family relationships, and don't pick on the little things . Sometimes it takes so much effort to “quarrel” that it’s easier to quickly remove the scattered things to save the relationship. Helps very well creative visualization method. For example, you are annoyed by scattered socks. Now imagine: no socks - no husband! And socks are not just socks, they are a symbol of the fact that you are not alone. Visualize a perfect but cold room, yourself sitting surrounded perfect order but one. Well imagine a perfectly polished empty wardrobe, a bedspread without folds. Now no one will break this harmony, but do you need such harmony? Maybe better less order, but the favorite is near ? And to clean the scattered things herself, to wipe the shelf in the bathroom after cutting his mustache, or to twist the tube of toothpaste... Really, such a trifle, and so capable of destroying relationships, if you pay attention to it!

5. Feminists , on closer examination, do not demand equal rights with men, but urge women to be "like a man" , that is, to have a masculine mental organization and perform masculine deeds. In principle, this is not characteristic of a woman. It has its own advantages, its own merits. And to measure with a man on male indicators, being a woman, is unreasonable. Any normal man wants build a family with a woman, not with a man in a skirt. Therefore, do not strive to be the strongest, smartest, most courageous in your family. Why do you need extra headache? Be the most kind, the most tender, the most beautiful. And if you want to remain a radical feminist, it would be more honest to leave men alone altogether.

6. You must have . And women are obliged to follow their observance, filling, beauty. It could be anything - a trip to the countryside every weekend, reading Nabokov in the evenings, or a trip to Sweden once a month. The main thing is that the tradition should promote rapprochement, be liked by both spouses, be beautifully decorated. In NLP this is called "anchoring" and in everyday life this is called harmony and common interests.

7. If, do not rush to write down your husband as a loser. Today your profession is in demand, and tomorrow it is still unknown, remember the last 20 years! On the contrary, if you are the main earner in the family, then tell your husband that it's only because of his support , his care, his advice, everything is going so well with your work. And it doesn't matter if it's true or not. Life is unpredictable, after a while you can switch roles. And your husband must be ready for these changes, and take on the role of breadwinner. And if you “chop off his wings” now, turn him into a domestic servant, then you will pull the strap “ strong woman'until the end of days. Better help him kind word, with their connections. Important: during this period you must not sympathize, but support.

"Our behavior is work" , - said the great physiologist A.A. Ukhtomsky. A family relationships- it's even more work. Daily, thoughtful, but joyful. After all, the main prize, the main result of your work is harmonious family relationships and unfading love. And that's worth the effort, isn't it?

As you know, a woman on a ship is the cause of misfortune. As soon as the lady comes on board, making holes in the deck with her heels, the ship sinks and runs into the reefs. With ordinary ships, the matter is solved simply: the ladies are thrown overboard. But what to do in case of family boat? After all, it is impossible to do without a woman. Most often, a woman not only built this ship herself, but also stood on the captain's bridge to guide it through the reefs of everyday life. And here sad mistakes are sometimes made. This article is dedicated to you, captains. To keep the compass dry, and the nose to the wind. So, short stories shipwrecks that happened in the family sea. (All incidents are real, but coincidences are random).

For some reason she decided that better than a husband knows how to spend free time who to be friends with and what to eat.

sudden stranded

They fell in love in their first year. On the second, I hid in the apartments of friends. On the third, the patience of the parents ended, they were married. student family received at the disposal of a whole odnushka in new buildings. The young husband successfully went to work, the young wife found out that she was pregnant. It would seem that people have everything to happily meet old age. But it turned out that for a girl there are only two opinions: hers and the wrong one. For some reason, she decided that she knew better than her husband how to spend his free time, with whom to be friends and what to eat.

The guy took her lessons with due humor. Still, the woman is in position. And endured until a wonderful child was born. And then, as if on purpose, his career went up. So much so that in addition to a decent salary, he had a referent. Or rather, referent. Oddly enough, this girl believed that there were two opinions: his and the wrong one. The guy found himself between two worlds: in one they tell him what is good and that he should eat salad in the morning, not scrambled eggs. In another, they admired his habit of drinking black coffee. green tea and a passion for men's magazines. At home, he was forced to wear only blue ties, and at the service and after it, they admired how deftly he could untie them.

The captain of the family, busy bringing comfort and raising a child, did not notice that the obedient team, bringing everything into the house more money, it happens less and less. There's a lot to do, you know.

The wife came to her senses only when good friend She said: your side has everything you need for happiness. Even a rented apartment. The wife was very surprised: how could it be, after all, she demanded only the most correct, taught only the best and fed only healthy meals. How could he be so ungrateful? Sadly, in family life, the best is not always right. We must accept that the husband may have his own tastes and habits. And you don't have to beat him up for them. Even the ugliest ones. It still doesn't make any sense. You can achieve this: the team will escape from the ship from the dictator and tyrant. Which is what happened in this case. When the child was three years old, he honestly said that he could no longer. Will help financially and wishes her to stay happily with the right rules.

stormy waters

Passionate love, from which sparkled and whiled away everything around, especially the nerves of friends and colleagues, ended in fireworks to the sounds of the Mendelssohn march. Right from the ceremony they went to Honeymoon to Greece, just like in Hollywood fantasies, which, without saying a word, adored. Everything was enchanting there: love under the night sky, wine, sirtaki and envious glances of fat German women. Passion was a fountain, and it seemed that this mineral would never end. They returned tanned and happy. Their own apartment was waiting for them, or rather her or him, it doesn’t matter anymore.

Putting their suitcases aside, they remembered that they had not made love for probably six hours while they were flying, and they urgently needed to correct the mistake, right on the floor.

They looked at each other invitingly and enticingly. Something was wrong. Someone had to make the first move. Although they did not think before, and everything turned out by itself. But now everyone gave way. An awkward situation arose. It can be said for the first time. But she quickly resolved. The couple laughed, deciding that they were very tired from the road.

And the next day it started usual life. Each of them went to work. The work lasted five long and hard days, so that in the evening she no longer had the strength, then he. On Saturday, I wanted to sleep a little longer. On Sunday I have to go grocery shopping for the week. In general, everything is as usual. And after a month of such a peaceful and quiet life, they suddenly discovered that they had nothing to do together, in general. Boring and uninteresting. From the fear of losing each other, they flared up three more times, and then this argument died out completely. Apart from sex, nothing brought them together.

As it turned out, having fun is too little for long-term happiness.

As it turned out, having fun is too little for long-term happiness. And living with a person in whom only the body is interesting is too expensive for the psyche. The captain and crew formed a farewell formation on deck, shook hands, and set off on different courses. The joint two-month voyage ended there. And this is a happy story.

solo swimming

Everyone knew that she perfect wife. And her husband knew that she was perfect. For the past fifteen years, he's been quite sure of it. And the children knew that they had the perfect mother who baked the most delicious cookies in the world. And the house was a full bowl, as far as income allowed. And suddenly it was all over. There were no betrayals, there were no strange calls when they breathe into the phone. There were no notes accidentally found in the pocket. But, nevertheless, it all ended. They sat at the table, ate a delicious dinner, drank tea and were completely strangers. What happened? The husband, knowing that he had a strong rear behind him, made a career (scientific), learned a lot of new things, his authority in the eyes of others grew. And his hope and support completely devoted himself to the house.

And then one day her husband decided to discuss with her the most important political news that everyone was talking about. But she could only smile and answer that she did not understand anything about it. Then he made an attempt to talk about the new sensational film, which was discussed by all his acquaintances. She watched in fits and starts only "House 2". Saddened, her husband offered her a fresh bestseller that everyone read on the subway. On the second page, she got bored, and it was time to cook dinner.

A loving spouse sadly realized that there was no one else to love. You can't love a pot that cooks dinner. He remembered her from the institute, when she was the first to spread everything new and modern. And then he saw the caption "the end". No, he didn't escape the ship. They still live side by side, each in his own cabin. And life is not to blame. She just wanted to become the best captain, sacrificing interests, work, career. That is, she sacrificed herself. The husband accepted the sacrifice, of course. But to deal with the attachment to the vacuum cleaner and washing machine he became uninterested. And no one is interested. Whatever happy family did not appear. So don't overlook it. Of course, yourself.