Why mothers and daughters compete. Women's identity. Crisis and competition with mother
The well-known fact that psychological age a person has little to do with his passport data. We cannot inside be older than our lived years, but younger - it happens often, depending on how the process of our growing up proceeded. Developmental traumas, like any traumas, are events not experienced by our psyche, and therefore not assimilated and not turned into experience. When there is no experience of successfully passing the planned age or other crisis, a certain part of the psyche is fixed at this stage and continues to function at this level. And it doesn't really matter how many years a person has lived.
There are babies. Adults, perhaps successful in some way, but in any close relationship their behavior patterns are the claims of the infant to the mother. Inadequate demands on the other, egocentrism, inability to empathize and notice the needs of a partner, objectivity, outbursts of uncontrollable rage in any situation where he was not pleased. These are ways of contacting the world of a person of a very early age. Here we are not talking about situational manifestations in communication, but about permanent character traits, stable patterns. These are people whose psyche is partially fixed in the infantile phase of development. They are prone to addictions of any kind, because they constantly feel a lack of symbiotic connection. This is a vivid example, and each of us probably knows a couple of such babies.
But the article is about something else. In it, I want to consider two phases of development in which the girl is forced to face such a phenomenon as competition with own mother. Why they are needed, how they proceed, and what happens in the life of an adult woman when development is fixed in these phases.
The first important stage in the formation of female identity is the oedipal. Approximately the age of 3-5 years is the phase of the formation of guilt, gaining one's size, giving up the illusion of infantile omnipotence. The child begins to understand that not everything in this world obeys his whims. Mom ceases to resort at any time on demand. There are some obligations and restrictions that he must follow in order to be accepted. The girl is faced with the fact that her father does not belong to her, that he is a partner of her mother. She is jealous of her father for her mother, envy appears for her as his partner. This phase is necessary, among other things, in order for the little girl to form a sense of belonging to her gender. The price of the issue is the loss of competition to the mother. That is, only by resigning herself to the fact that her mother is a big and full-fledged woman, and she is small - and not yet full-fledged, and therefore - dad will not be with her, but will be with her mother, the girl gets the opportunity to go through an oedipal crisis, which means further growing up . The chance to someday turn from a caterpillar into a butterfly.
For a child, these are unpleasant experiences, but bearable if parents participate in living through his crisis. Instead of lost early illusions, the girl gets a feeling of connection with her mother, as with her own kind. She has an incentive to enter into an alliance with her mother, to grow up, taking her example.
If, for some reason, a fixation occurs in this phase, the living of the crisis stops. An adult woman can often get into trouble, not feeling her real size relative to other women. It is often forced to compete out of place, through competition, as it were, confirming the very fact of its existence. Her identity is confused, and she's bad at navigating what she may or may not claim. Who is she and with whom is she similar, and with whom is she too different. Because of the blurred boundaries, it is difficult for her to understand where is hers and where is someone else's. In adulthood this leads to a wide variety of consequences and complexities. One of the most striking examples: an almost comical lady of Balzac's age, who wears clothes that do not fit her figure and status, defiantly puts on make-up, giggles and simpering for no reason, flirting with all her colleagues at work. When she was younger, infantilism was often forgiven by those around her. But what older man, the more inconsistencies are evident.
Any crisis that is not fully lived makes it difficult to live the next one. Since in human development there is a certain sequence of stages of growing up, each with its own age crisis and tasks. If the task has not been completed, it remains as an outstanding debt at the institute. At the next session, during the next crisis, its new tasks will drag the tail of the unresolved ones with them.
Sometimes a woman with oedipal problems is lucky, and she finds herself a rival, whom she loses the competition to smithereens. The collapse of illusions about oneself in adulthood is more painful than in childhood, but it still allows you to determine your boundaries, discover your size, your weaknesses, and then strengths. And re-form the image of yourself, your feminine identity, based on a greater connection with reality. The lived crisis in this case is multiple, because it pulls unresolved tails behind it. While it lasts, the woman will curse fate from the pain that has fallen on her, but towards the end of it she will definitely find that she is still lucky. Fresh sprouts of a new, more mature identity will appear, which means internal supports that you can grab onto.
If everything went well in the oedipal phase, the girl ceded her father to her mother and resigned herself to her role, she grows, develops, goes through a couple more age crises at school and begins to enter the pubertal zone. Toward its end, a period of psychological separation begins. Here it is important for a girl to discover her differences from her mother, features and individual traits. At this age, relationships with peers become more important. The girl wants to win their attention, strives to insist on her right to be separate from her mother and the other in everything that is important to her. Encountering the natural resistance of the mother to the fact of the distance of the maturing child, the teenage girl seeks to obtain from her the recognition of the right to her otherness. To be not like the mother, as it was at the oedipal age, but in some ways to be completely different and perhaps even superior to the mother, for example, in physical beauty, youth and perspectives. And no matter how difficult it may be for some mothers to come to terms with this, the daughter at this moment needs recognition of her burgeoning femininity.
If all this is received and everything important with the mother is won back. If she accepts that her daughter loves not good music, but electro house, not normal clothes, but strange hats and platforms, not a human form, but lilac hair and black lipstick. If the mother further allows her daughter to go not where she herself dreamed, but where it would be better if her eyes did not look, etc. ... If the mother recognizes her daughter in these differences, the girl gains self-confidence and the ability to trust herself, her desires , aspirations and hopes. In her main war at this age - for the recognition of her peers, her mother acts as her ally, not her enemy. If, on the other hand, a mother suppresses her child out of anxiety or poorly realized envy, one of the most important separation crises can be: a) never passed, with the ensuing consequences - lack of confidence, lack of independence, avoidance of competition; and b) passed at the cost of breaking the internal bond with the mother and then seeking another adult figure to gain acceptance. (Provided that the child is fixed for more early stages development - the separation crisis may not be overcome due to the complex "tail" of tasks that the child cannot cope with.)
Only if the girl has all these relationships with her mother, the positive contribution of the father can play a role in the formation of her feminine identity. important role. When a father knows how to normally and humanly confirm the attractiveness and maturation of a girl, this adds to her confidence in communicating with the opposite sex and teaches her to keep good boundaries. If the girl did not have a fulfilling and nurturing relationship with her mother, or a substitute adult figure, the father's love will not help form a normal identity, but rather turn into a kind of psychological incest. Because a man cannot teach a woman to be a woman. Like a mother alone, she is unable to help her son form a male identity.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, no one can reward us with identity. No one can convince a woman that she is a woman if inside she feels like a confused girl or a protesting teenager. It is a personal choice and responsibility of everyone - whether to go in search of their own, or remain immature, since they have not managed to grow up during their childhood. Many people live their whole lives with the identity of a non-adult person, adapt somehow. It's hard, but they live. And someone chooses to grow themselves up in order to live somehow differently. Well, psychotherapy helps seekers to direct efforts in the right direction.
What mother doesn't want her daughter to have a happy life?
But it often turns out that the relationship between a mother and a teenage daughter turns into a real competitive struggle.
What are they fighting for and who will win this fight, we asked the psychologist, coach, relationship expert Marina Khmelovskaya.
Our reader is concerned about her relationship with her teenage daughter, which she describes as competitive. Here is a quote from her letter: “I am developing (alas, only now) how sexually attractive woman. My daughter is already at the age when she develops her girlish qualities. My husband, like a man, compliments me. And, like a dad, he compliments his daughter: “My beautiful daughter.” My daughter sees me as a competitor. How to live this period, how to behave, how to cope with your resentment?
Do cases where mother and daughter compete with each other really take place in families?
Alas, the topic of competition between mother and daughter is not such a rarity in society. Growing, maturing daughters often become the object of attention from men against the backdrop of fading mothers, even if they are attractive. And if the mothers themselves did not receive enough love and wisdom in their time, this alignment can lead to direct competition. How can one not recall the story "Nuncha" from "Tales of Italy" by Maxim Gorky. Bright woman Nuncha cannot survive the fact that her daughter Nina "bypasses" her.
“As a mother, she was proud of her daughter's beauty, as a woman, Nuncha could not help but envy her youth; Nina stood between her and the sun - it was a shame for her mother to live in the shade, ”is written in this story. Gorky is extremely juicy about the relationship between two women. But, as you understand, this does not lead to anything good. Lacking the necessary wisdom, Nuncha offers his daughter a competition - running a race through the streets of the city, and, it would seem, wins it. Nina falls exhausted, and Nuncha pulls forward and ... dies of a broken heart.
In my opinion, the conclusions here are obvious. Parents have no other way but to help their children become stars, and not prevent them from doing so. Of course, this is only possible when the parent sees a continuation in his child.
The absence of such a vision indicates that this person serious problems. What are these problems and in what cases does the mother begin to compete with her daughter? Often mothers are involved in the process of competition with their own daughters, who for many years did not pay due attention to themselves, did not take care of their body, their needs, desires. They lived only for the interests of their children and families. Children grow up, and the woman finally begins to realize how much she has lost, she is overwhelmed by the feeling that she did not have time to enjoy her youth, that life has passed her by. And then she begins to look younger, to dress beyond her age, to demand heightened attention, compliments, gifts, showing with all my behavior, now I am the main one in the family, I have taken care of you for many years, now please pay off your debts. Annoyed at a beautiful and successful daughter, in fact, the mother is angry at herself, that she cannot be as happy.
The teenager simply enhances the processes that are in the mother. Motherhood is work. People start to compete when they stop learning from each other. Teaching in a pair of "mother - daughter" is the prerogative of the mother. If she stopped teaching her child, pass female experience, skills, means she has lost interest in herself. But the habit of being in contact remained, and now they make this contact through competition. competition in the family begins where there is no strong unifying factor, so it is important to create it. How does this competition manifest itself? Competition from two women can manifest itself different ways: to whom dad gave more compliments, to whom what gift he gave, who dressed more beautifully, with whom dad spent more time, what opinion he listened to more. If the daughter competes with her mother, then this fits into the process of development and formation of a teenager. Parents just need to line up correct model interactions between all family members.
What role does dad play in the competition between mother and daughter? The best thing a dad can do is not take sides. And keep a balance in the distribution of attention. If he complimented his daughter, then he gave flowers to his mother. If he gave a gift to his daughter, then he gave his mother a compliment or helped. It is important for him to make it clear that both women are valuable. If the daughter perceives her mother as a competitor and fights for the attention of her father, then in every possible way you need to let her know that she is loved and appreciated. I recommend that dad compliments a teenager with mom. And mother, in turn, support and join her husband's compliments, praise her daughter. If a conflict between mother and daughter is already ripe, then dad should not interfere. “First, you will sort it out among yourselves, agree, then come to me and we will discuss our joint leisure time,” the head of the family should have answered something like this.
Competition in the family begins where there is no strong unifying factor, so it is important to create it. For example, enter family traditions- trips to picnics, subbotniks, joint dinners, games. It is very important to find some common cause for the whole family and direct all the energy there - helping the poor, raising charitable funds, volunteering in various projects. In the letter, the reader asked a question, how should she be. How to deal with a daughter who is in competition with her mother, and how to deal with her own competition?
It is worth remembering that adolescence- This is a period of separation, when the child wants to be considered as an adult. And if parents ignore this need, then he steps on the warpath, proving his adulthood. Therefore, we recommend parents to listen in every possible way to the opinion of their teenage child, give him freedom of choice within reasonable limits and develop the skill of being independent.
“No one asks you”, “You are still too young to have your own opinion”, “You will live with mine, then we will see” - one often hears such phrases from parents.
Replace them with: “It is important for me to hear what you think about this”, “You have an interesting view on this issue. Although my life experience suggests that it happens differently, "" I will accept any of your decisions, if it does not harm your health, does not go against the law and moral standards."
If the problem is in the mother, then you need to contact a psychologist. It is important to identify the reasons for such behavior, to help an adult woman become aware of them and find a resource within herself to cope with this situation. It is urgent to take up self-acceptance, your development, shift your focus of attention from this struggle to yourself. Honestly ask yourself questions: “What does my daughter have that I don’t have? How can I compensate for this by working on myself, and not fighting with my daughter?
Tatyana Koryakina
Someday, a mother notices that her daughter is no longer a child, but an adult girl. The daughter blossoms, and the mother - alas ... The daughter begins sex life and the mother has difficulty finding a partner. Unfortunately, sometimes, a hidden struggle begins with one's own own child, which pushes subconscious envy.
Without a mother's love...
“I will not forget the moment when my mother found me birth control pills, - recalls Katrin, - she shouted furiously: “A prostitute, a whore!”. I was scared, I felt dirty, humiliated. The absurdity is that I'm not a girl - I'm already 23. I could not understand her anger, it would be better to praise me for being careful. After that, real surveillance, verification, interference in my affairs began. I could not sit with a friend in the car at the house, I could not calmly talk on the phone or dare to bring someone home. Not only did she not support me, she became a direct enemy. I didn't understand what was happening to her. But here I began to earn enough, began to live independently. In a sense, I felt sorry for my mother: she stopped taking care of herself, ate a lot and tasty, becoming very stout. Apart from work and at home, she had nothing to do with herself. I studied at the university, worked in a prestigious company, had many friends, went to the gym, traveled often. Despite my successes, my mother constantly humiliated me, often repeating that I was stupid and incapable, which I think I am. At the age of 65, when my mother became seriously ill, we became close for the first time in many years, and our conversations became surprisingly sincere. Turns out, long years my parents lived together out of habit, my mother did not have the courage to leave, she always suffered from the lack of male affection and tenderness, and while I was enjoying life, she quietly withered. She confessed that she envied my courage. After many years when I considered myself bad daughter I finally felt relieved."
The relationship between mother and daughter is based on solidarity, and gender, resemblance, common hobbies create a special bond between them. Mothers have a tendency to project their dreams, their life experiences, or even problems onto their daughters.
Mothers sometimes tend to perceive daughters as a threat to their status in the family. Here is a very typical example, like a litmus test, testifying to many family situations.
Two of them got married very young. He made a career, she sat at home, managed, raised her daughter, there was absolutely no desire to even slightly rise above life. Gradually, her interests began to be limited only to him, and relations with her husband became routine and boring. But the most tender friendship connected with the daughter of the father.
The woman silently watched her daughter take her place in her husband's life, and was filled with unaccountable hatred. As a result, the mother moved away from her daughter. The daughter has grown up. She highly appreciates her father and despises her mother, considering her a failure, afraid of becoming the same as her. However, when communicating with her daughter, one can notice a striking contrast between her mind and character. The girl studied well and, apparently, should have achieved great success, but it was not very pleasant to communicate with her. She was distinguished by categorical judgments, cunning and vindictiveness. Accustomed to maneuvering between her father and mother, she built relationships with other people on manipulation. As a result, she had no friends, no permanent partner. The essence of the problem is that the daughter grew up without maternal love.
Envy arises when we see in others something that we ourselves would like to have. A mother may begin to envy her daughter when she is still very young. Some fathers adore their daughters so much that they are ready to do everything for them - even what they do not intend to do for their wife. Such a father plays with his daughter for hours, but is not ready to help his wife with the housework, he takes his daughter to the zoo, leaving his wife with a newborn son. He buys gifts for the girl and makes surprises. What remains of a mother deprived of these manifestations of love? Quiet envy! At first, envy really “behaves quietly”, secretly and does not manifest itself in any way. But one day there comes a day when this feeling breaks out.
"Weird Mom"
The "critical" age for a woman is 45-48 years. Crossing this threshold, she often loses self-confidence. She holds on to her job, even if she is dissatisfied with the working conditions, fearing that she will not be hired for another job. It seems to her that her professional experience is not appreciated enough and she will be preferred to younger ones. Some women at this age desperately want to regain their youth. They make plastic surgery, wear teen clothes, accessories and imitate their daughters. If such a mother, instead of smoothing out wrinkles, took care of authority wise woman, my daughter would learn a lot from communicating with her. A young mother, most often, does not cause any respect from her child. On the contrary, some girls experience shame when they appear in public with a “weird mother”.
Most often, relationships with a maturing daughter are spoiled by those women who have considered beauty their main asset all their lives, devoting all their time to caring for themselves and running around for fashionable clothes. For those who studied, worked, found interesting things for themselves before the age of 40, appearance is not a determining factor. Such women, if they envy their daughters, are not aggressive. They walk away from discomfort, saying to himself: “I was young and beautiful too. Yes, my daughter is more attractive than me today, but I am smarter, happier, more independent and more confident in myself.
Envy can also cause the daughter's sexuality. Rushing outward sensuality easy attitude to change sexual partners, falling in love and parting - all this hurts mature woman, especially if she herself is lonely or unhappy with her sex life.
But, here a lot depends on what role she played in her life. emotional sphere. The one for which there were no emotions even in youth of great importance, will find satisfaction in comfort, family peace or find for himself some kind of hobby, occupation. Such a mother will sympathize with her daughter, and she will share her problems with her. Often in the life of single mothers, there is a fear of inviting men home, because of the fear of their courtship of their daughter. Such a mother will certainly begin to make remarks to her daughter in front of an outsider, subconsciously wanting to humiliate a potential rival.
Victims of conflicting feelings
But there is another side to this problem: matured daughters who have beautiful, well-groomed and spectacular mothers are also afraid to bring their partners home. Life situation today: beautiful mother - 38, daughter -19. She dated a 35-year-old man for two months, then brought him home. A spark literally ran between him and his mother, people reached out to each other, felt that they could not resist emotions. My daughter has a severe stress response.
Only after a series of consultations and her conviction that the mother has love and these people cannot one without the other, after a certain training, the daughter came to her senses. Now she lives separately, communicates normally with her mother and her new common-law husband.
When a competition begins between mother and daughter, the victory most often remains with grown woman. After all, she has an advantage - authority and power. A mother can forbid her daughter certain absolutely innocent actions, limit her in many desires, which, ultimately, literally undermines the authority of the mother. "Bad" daughters feel that their mother is jealous of them, and enter into a fight. "Good" - want to keep good relations and subconsciously act in such a way that there are no reasons for envy.
It often happens that a beautiful, slender and well-groomed woman growing fat and clumsy daughter. No matter how her mother points out to her slovenliness, excesses in food, the girl acts in her own way. On the one hand, it is a protest against too great attention, which the mother pays to appearance. On the other hand, the daughter subconsciously understands that the way she herself looks is very important to the mother, so she simply gives her the opportunity to win in this competition.
beautiful, good dressed woman, having come for a consultation with her teenage daughter, complained that the girl refuses to take care of herself, does not want to wear nice clothes, does not like hygiene, because of which they constantly quarrel. The daughter really looked bad: a plump, disheveled girl in a shapeless, not very fresh T-shirt. From the conversation it became clear that her mother herself was very fat in her youth and suffered from this, therefore she constantly tells her daughter that she needs to eat less. But at the same time prepares different delicious dishes, and all the time slips her daughter all sorts of goodies. It was obvious that in fact the mother does not want the girl to become slim, to be paid attention to - she wants her daughter to repeat her fate.
Many mothers try to compensate for their unhappy childhood at the expense of daughters. Such a woman seems to want to give her daughter what she herself did not receive, but at the same time - a paradox! - jealous of her. Deep inside, a mother feels like a neglected, resentful little girl. The phrase from the lips of mothers is by no means accidental: “I envy my daughter because she has a mother whom I did not have.”
Mothers will think more than once before buying shoes for 50 euros, but they will easily shell out 70-80 euros for shoes for their daughter, breaking into a cake for the sake of their girl, turning her into a spoiled princess. At the same time, they can be angry with their daughter for the fact that she gets everything easily. In fact, this anger is just envy that the daughter can afford a lot, but the mother cannot. The mother is angry with her daughter because she sometimes allows herself to skip classes, while the mother does not dare to ask for a day off from work. Such mothers become too picky with their daughters over the years.
The higher a person's self-esteem, the less he tries to compete with his own child. Self-sufficient people are happy with what they have, they do not suffer because of the unattainable. Mothers need to understand that it is not in their power to become eighteen-year-old, slender girls again, but it is in their power to be happy and contented 40-50-year-old women.
Alas, such is life, the daughter begins to blossom when the beauty of mothers begins to fade. And a woman must understand this, then she will not become a victim of conflicting feelings. Growing girls need their mother's help and support, especially their mother's confidence - this strengthens their self-esteem and develops the emotional sphere.
Any mother should remember that her behavior and actions have a huge impact on her daughter. The mother's attitude towards herself is, in essence, the main legacy that remains to her daughters. If a woman is ashamed of herself and complains that she feels unnecessary and worthless, then this is how, most likely, her daughter will treat herself in the future. If the mother is happy with what she has and takes care of herself in every sense of the word, the daughter will also become a real woman and a whole person. In any case, all the nuances between mother and daughter should be based on constant confidential communication - only it can smooth out misunderstanding, misunderstanding of each other and reasonably resolve almost all conflicts.
Following psychologists, we must understand that envy, in all its manifestations, is a natural feeling, we need to admit this and learn how to deal with it. Even if the mother is a little jealous of her daughter, but also rejoices for her, loves and appreciates, because there is no getting away from this while our parents are alive, we continue to be children.
Mom and daughter are rivals. In some families, this is even difficult to imagine, and in many it is an absolute reality that both parties need to cope with.
The mother-daughter relationship is unique in itself, even without the involvement of a man. For example, oddly enough, girls tolerate the absence of their mother more easily than boys. Apparently, nature has not without reason laid down such a feature, implying potential interchangeability. In addition, girls are largely guided not only by their mother, but also by other surrounding adults. This allows them to be more social than boys. But next to the mother, it is easier for a girl to grow up, identifying herself with her personality.
In turn, mothers tend to identify their daughters with themselves in childhood, experiencing difficulty in building a separate psychological image of the child. And through it, she is even able to punish herself. Or vice versa, the mother is waiting perfect girl and disappointed, noticing the opposite.
In any of these cases, daughters are doomed to rebel against their mothers, to fight for their own rights. Most crisis periods conflicts between mother and daughter
- oedipal period (7-8 years);
- puberty(puberty);
- youth (from 18 years old).
Each of these periods is the entry of the girl into a wider social environment, in which she is waiting for the lowered status of a woman. She wants to change him, sometimes going to rivalry with her mother. It is easier to endure this for mothers with stable, high self-esteem. It is more difficult for mothers with low self-esteem.
Growing up, the girl understands more and more the special position of men. Even if the mother puts the man (the girl's father) in the first place, then the conflict cannot be avoided. The daughter is trying to turn to her father - he is a source of power and some kind of freedom. Mother and daughter are drawn into rivalry for the same object of love. Psychologists consider many such attempts to "convert" daughters to their fathers real threat seduction and even incest. In the US, for example, 5% of girls go through incest with their father.
There is another version of the development of events, when mother and daughter are absolute rivals-competitors. A mother may try to compete with her daughter, trying to look better, dress more modern, arouse more interest in men. At the same time, the daughter may protest, and then she pulls on hoodie clothes, ignoring the guys. Mother and daughter seem to switch places. The daughter behaves like a woman in her years, who has launched herself and waved her hand at herself. And the mother is trying to grab the "tail" of the fleeing youth.
In such cases, psychologists suggest using role play"daughters-mothers". Mom should portray her daughter as authentically as possible, and the daughter should portray her mother. After mutual reincarnation, it should be easier for each of them to create new model relationships without competition and denial.
There is another model of the mother-daughter relationship that is falsely mistaken for the elimination of a potential competitor by a stronger personality. This refers to the deliberate suppression of the girl's curiosity, including sexual, instilling modesty. Is not rivalry, but the wrong way to protect her daughter. Thus, the mother often tries to protect her daughter from male sexual and any other exploitation, including forced exploitation. But this negatively affects the development of the girl's independence and initiative and makes her even more a potential victim of exploitation and resentment. The maturing daughter in this case begins to despise her mother for her helplessness and the helplessness she has brought up in herself. This is already becoming a real sadomasochism in a relationship. In this case, without a psychologist, it is practically impossible to understand the problem.
What mother and daughter are rivals, largely due to the natural cycle of nature and social conditions. But love and respect for each other, understanding the root causes of rivalry can become life jackets in the "sea" of these difficult, raging relationships.
Criticism from below rests on the belt.
G. Malkin
Perhaps you know what the Oedipus complex is. I repeat: this is an unconscious attraction to a parent of the opposite sex. It happens in early age, then it is expelled.
When a girl is still small and sees that her parents show tenderness, attention to each other, hug, kiss in front of her eyes, then jealousy appears in her heart. She herself, of course, does not realize this.
Often, little girls behave in such a way as to fit between hugging parents, “turn the arrows” on themselves, and attract attention to themselves. For example, parents watch TV: mother sits next to father, put her head on his shoulder, or he hugs her shoulders, or they just sit, touching each other, clasping their hands. She immediately climbs onto her father's knees or deliberately scatters toys, drops something. She needs attention. This is jealousy!
As the girl grows, jealous feelings may grow in her heart, but she is still unaware of them. It happens that the daughter plots all sorts of intrigues for her mother, and the poor mother cannot understand why she suddenly snaps, is capricious, starts scandals, announces a boycott to her. Moreover, a girl can be angry with her father: why does he pay attention to his mother, and does not pay attention to her! And it can go on like this all the time adolescence. The girl herself does not understand that she is competing with her mother for her father's attention.
When family battles occur between father and mother, the daughter most often takes the side of the father. This is the first manifestation of female rivalry.
Keep in mind, you will often face female rivalry as you grow up!
When the daughter grows up and she has a boyfriend, then the mother begins to compete with her daughter. After all, if a girl has a boyfriend, it means that she is no longer a child, it means that her mother is getting old, which means that the girl will soon become a girl, a woman. What about mom? Mom becomes a mother adult daughter, in the near future - a grandmother, that is, almost an old woman, and it hurts her to realize this. What woman doesn't want to be liked by men? Real woman- wants! Nobody wants to get old.
Realizing that the daughter has grown up, that she has her own life, the mother begins to behave nervously, and the daughter does not understand the sudden changes in her mother's mood, her unreasonable nitpicking and remarks surprise and offend.
Yes, in many ways it is jealousy for a stranger who, as it seems to the mother, takes away her daughter and claims her time, her thoughts, her love. Indeed, a girl in love spends less time at home, communicates less with her mother, even if they have a wonderful relationship. The daughter is all in love, it does not occur to her that the mother may feel abandoned, that she simply lacks communication.
And so begins the jealous game between mother and daughter. Moreover, neither one nor the other is aware of the reasons why they are annoyed with each other. More often, the mother is the provocateur of scandals. She finds fault with her daughter: “Why did you wear such short skirt? Why did you dye your hair? Why did you come late? Why are you dating this guy? Yes, he is not worth your little finger!
All this is unconscious maternal jealousy. Mom (without realizing it herself) wants to return her daughter to her former (childish) state, when she (mother) could command, prohibit or allow something. And my daughter is already big! - she herself knows how to dress, chooses gentlemen and solves many issues on her own. And mom so wants to participate in the life of her daughter! But the daughter pushes her aside, is secretive, spends a lot of time with her boyfriend and does not tell her mother anything.
Many of my patients admitted that they never discussed their relationship with the stronger sex with their mother. Only a small number of mothers will understand the daughter's revelations correctly. Most likely, he will grumble: “Yes, what do you allow yourself! Yes, I am at your age! Who wants to hear these notations? Here the girls are hiding.
Jealousy is not the only mechanism underlying the deteriorating relationship between mother and teenage daughter. There are much more complex psychological mechanisms here.
The "incomprehensible" mood swings of the mother - either "attacks" of love, or periods of cooling, and in general - the conflict development of relations between mother and daughter, can be explained by a phenomenon called "intrauterine confrontation".
American psychologists have found that 95% of women subconsciously want a son. In particular, scientists have found that after the birth of a child, mothers are half as likely to pick up girls than boys. Of course, only on the basis of this sign alone, one cannot say that the conflict of the mother is connected precisely with this, but also with this too.
Despite the disagreements that often arise between mother and daughter, despite the difficult relationship that develops between them, there is a special inner closeness of these two creatures of the same sex. These relationships are often characterized by dependence: psychological, emotional and material - or the daughter's desperate resistance and her attempts to break free. A girl may leave home for a friend and live with her for a while, until her mother backs down or her friend's parents ask her to leave their house and return home. There are also escapes from the house, when the girl runs away into the unknown, gets into the first transport she comes across and leaves for another city. In this case, her fate can be dramatic.
When the "rebel" grows up, her desire to break free is realized in a more acceptable form. For example, a girl goes to live in a rented apartment or insists that she have her own living space.
The saddest thing is if, in order to break her dependence on her mother, a girl jumps out to marry the first person she meets, thereby crippling her own fate.
After graduating from school, many girls who want to break away from their mothers leave to study at higher educational establishments other cities or looking for work outside their hometown. By the way, in our country the percentage of girls who left their homes for distant lands is not very high - 18%, but in France this figure reaches 62%, in the UK - 76%.
Nature rests on the children of geniuses, and the children of geniuses rest on their parents. G. Malkin
Notes:
If you are interested, look into the dictionary of Brockhaus and Efron and read about the princes of Enikeev.
Repression (synonymous with repression, from the Latin repression - suppression) is a term often used in psychoanalysis. It means one of the mechanisms of psychological defense, characterized by the exclusion from consciousness of an unconscious impulse that causes mental stress and anxiety. Repression also includes the loss of the ability to reproduce any events that occurred in a state of affect (strong, short-term emotion).
