How to maintain a friendly relationship with your ex-boyfriend. How to be friends with your ex-man

Question:
My girlfriend is on friendly terms with ex-boyfriend. They see each other sometimes, he helps her in some of her affairs. They have some things in common. How to react to this? What to do?

Question:

My girlfriend maintains a friendly relationship with her ex-boyfriend. They see each other sometimes, he helps her in some of her affairs. They have some things in common. How to react to this? What to do?

Answer from Alexander Biryukov:

I'll start with the fact that there is no “friendship” between a man and a woman. Any cross-sex “friendship” is divided into two options: 1. He wants her, but she doesn’t want him, 2. She wants him, but he doesn’t want her. So choose from these two options whichever you prefer.

Second. What a touching picture: a girl is friends with her ex, and he so nobly helps her in her affairs! Now go and wash yourself cold water in order to wake up. Because he is not her ex, but you are her temporary one. She's with you simply because she's bored of being alone while she waits for a chance to get her ex back. And so that it’s not completely sad, she spends time with you. Maybe even gives it to you. Because women love sex too, but my ex doesn’t want her.

In fact, her relationship is still there. And her man (at least in her head) is the one you call an ex. And not you at all.

In general, she doesn’t dislike you at most. Maximum.

Now about general affairs. Is your girlfriend a co-owner of the concern, and the second co-owner is her ex? Well then, the choice is yours what to prefer: to be a cuckold and live with a rich lady or to preserve your honor.

What, there is no concern? Then what kind of inseparable affairs can they have that she continues to meet with the person she broke up with?

Let me explain. Any separation can only happen against the backdrop of serious dissatisfaction with each other. And dissatisfied people first remove the “irritant” from their lives. That is, if they really broke up, they would have interrupted all contacts and certainly would not have met once a week to chat in a cafe.

Their “common affairs” are nothing more than her attempt to maintain bridges with the object of her true love. I repeat, you are nothing more than a surrogate for her. The real relationship is still there. She asks him to help her in the hope that an opportunity will arise to restore the relationship. She closely monitors the situation and waits for an opportunity to return her lover. This is precisely what their contacts, “common affairs” and other subterfuges are intended for. I wouldn’t be surprised if she already tried to hit on her ex again during your relationship.

In any case, what is described in the question is guaranteed to lead to cheating on you and your ex. Either she will achieve her goal and return her ex, or she will simply sometimes tumble with him, glad that at least she was able to keep him.

Even if they really business relationship, then the probability of episodes of “friendly sex” between them tends to 100%. Business relationships turn into sexual ones. Or they don’t even transition, but don’t end.

What to do? Stop being an alternate or temporary airfield.

There is only one way out. You directly demand that she cut off all contact with her ex. She deletes him from her social media. networks and blacklists. Deletes a phone number. There can be no talk of any meetings in real life, this is already 90% cheating.

Otherwise you will break up with her. Why - can you briefly explain. Although, women understand such things themselves, without words. And, in fact, she herself should come up with the idea to make sure that the shadow of her previous relationship does not make you nervous. It's just a matter of cleanliness and loyalty. If she didn't do this, this is already a huge argument in favor of the fact that you don't really mean anything to her.

No objections will be accepted. If she refuses (under any pretext), it’s definitely a breakup. Their affairs are not so important that they cannot be interrupted for the sake of your relationship.

Doesn't want to interrupt? This means that your relationship, your feelings, are really worthless to her. She's just spending time with you. Love is there on her side. 100% guarantee.

And here is the video version of the article:

Everyone has long been interested in the question: does friendship exist between a man and a woman? The situation becomes more complicated if your friend is also your ex-boyfriend. How to become bosom buddies if you once shared a bed together? TOPBEAUTY will tell you how to establish friendship with your ex, and at the same time find out whether you need it in principle.

Friendship with a man

Experts in the field interpersonal relationships They keep repeating that there is no friendship between a man and a woman. A lonely girl, as a rule, is in a state of search. When a male friend appears next to her, she quickly gets used to his presence nearby. Subconsciously, the woman is already beginning to expect something more from this communication. And a man always knows what he wants. So there are two options:

he is cunningly trying to gain confidence and persuade the girl to have closer contact
he initially perceives you as a friend and does not plan anything more.

Friends of opposite sexes always balance on the brink of falling in love on one side or the other. In addition, a person cannot be friends with someone he does not like. After all, a friend is chosen for certain qualities, for character traits; a friend is respected and valued.

Relationships between a man and a woman based on mutual understanding are their own kind of interaction. It occurs among work colleagues or among people of different sexes who are connected by one thing. Such friendly relations go hand in hand with professional interest.

Friendship with an ex-man

When people break up, it's usually accompanied by the phrase "let's remain friends." But is this possible?

If you dated for a long time, then, of course, this person has become family and friends. But you need to be aware of whether you are ready to let him go. After all, each of you will have to start a new relationship sooner or later. Are you ready to watch him hug another?

Psychologists confidently declare that friendly relations between once loving friend other people are impossible. Firstly, due to the fact that someone initiated the separation, and the other party continues to love and suffer. Secondly, after the end of the relationship, each of the couple accumulated many grievances and complaints. Thirdly, if the separation occurred due to betrayal or betrayal, then anger and thirst for revenge will overcome all the best intentions.

Only those girls whose feelings slowly faded away and eventually came to naught have a chance to maintain friendship with their ex. If the same thing happened to your partner, then you definitely still have respect for each other. And this is a good foundation for further friendship.

If you still decide to be friends with your ex, then do not forget that there is always the possibility of a relapse. You will communicate well, for a second it will even seem that everything is better than before. And then suddenly a wild desire may be born to return everything back, to become a couple again, because you feel so good together! But here you need to stop and breathe. Remember why you broke up. And don't forget that these problems haven't gone away. You just don't go back to them because you're not a couple anymore.

Of course, all cases are individual. Surely, there are girls who managed not to ruin their friendship with their ex. But it is always better to leave the past in the past and give way to the future.

The ability to break up in a civilized manner is as important for any person as the ability to say “No.” If the reason for the separation was not meanness, not cruelty, but love simply left - why not?

Of course, if people break up, for a long time living together, it will be difficult for them for some time. Even if they made the decision to end the relationship together. Habitual connections are broken, the usual order of things changes, the ground disappears from under your feet for a while - it’s painful and unpleasant, where can you go... But you shouldn’t blame someone for this pain ex-partner– he experiences the same thing, although perhaps a little differently. It's no one's fault that broken threads hurt previous relationship. Life goes on. And the less negativity there is in this life, the better. And from this point of view friendship with ex – great way exclude negativity.

An ex-husband can become a really good friend. When all the wounds from parting heal, you can ask him to look at some situation with male point vision, which can be very useful.

Almost necessary friendship with ex husband if there are children together. Parents who remain on good terms after the divorce will help the child survive this stressful situation with minimal injury. Yes and educational process It becomes easier if you don’t have to overcome the resistance of the other parent, if the parents don’t each try to persuade the child to their side. IN ideal All members of the parents’ new families can be on friendly terms.

Let go of the past

The main obstacle to friendship with ex became possible - former partners. Even if there is no longer love, there is no attraction and desire to be together, many women and men find it difficult to let go of their ex-lover, it is unpleasant for them to see that the ex did not die of melancholy and may well be happy with another person. This reaction is based on a simple sense of ownership. It is unbearable for the owner to see something of his own in the possession of another person. But we're talking about not about things, right?

It can be difficult to resist the desire to place all the blame on your ex for the end of the relationship. There is no such thing that in a relationship between two people everything depends on only one person. Everything that happens in a relationship is done by both of them, whether they realize it or not. If you do not renounce your share of responsibility for everything that happens, friendship with ex becomes not something extravagant and exotic, but quite normal occurrence. Well, two stopped good people living together is not a reason to become enemies?

It is very easy to take the position of an unjustly offended victim, begin to accumulate grievances, and grow in yourself. And then it’s very difficult to get rid of all this caustic garbage. All these grievances will accumulate in the soul and destroy it; they will leave no room for new happiness. Everything will pass soon, and what will remain is what they choose themselves ex-spouses or lovers: friendship (or at least just friendly relations), or enmity.

As you know, even a bad world better than any quarreling. So rid the world of another pair of enemies and maintain human relations.

Both the fair sex and men often think about how to behave with their significant other after a separation or divorce. Many are tearing apart ends, discussing behind their eyes, trying in every possible way to prick the once most great love all my life. However, you can avoid nasty things towards your former chosen one or chosen one and stay with him warm relations.

Pros of friendship between exes

Friendship between former lovers can be quite sincere if all mistakes are forgiven and the hatchet is buried. If you want to be friends with your ex-love, then you can even find some advantages of such a relationship:

Closeness and understanding. During the time that you were together, you could perfectly study your partner’s habits, his views on many things, and accept some shortcomings. Your ex-love will be especially perceptive to your mental suffering, so you can safely call him in the middle of the night and speak out from your heart, receiving good support.
Request for advice. If you are completely confused and cannot find a way out of a particular situation, your ex-partner will absolutely be able to give you useful advice, because he understands perfectly what to expect from you.
Intimate relationships. If after breaking up you are unable to find your new love, you can sometimes have sexual intercourse with your former lover, because he has studied your body well and knows all the sensual points. The main thing is not to cross the line, because often couples begin to take a step towards a truce after such tempting and piquant meetings.

Cons of friendship between exes

Friendship with an ex is, of course, wonderful - complete mutual understanding, support, warm relationships and harmony, which is so lacking in love relationships. You will no longer endure endless reproaches and scenes of jealousy, because commitment is no longer your strong point!

However, is there friendship between the exes? To answer this question, you should first of all think about how much you value the person with whom you were in a close relationship?

You may not be able to perceive him as a friend or acquaintance with whom you can see over a glass of sparkling wine and for the first time in long time not hint at a passionate night and not even take your hand. If your ex wants to be friends, but you can’t accept him in this role, it’s better to refuse communication altogether, because otherwise a huge number of disadvantages will emerge:

But the feelings remain! Perhaps you just can’t forget those wonderful moments when you went to the cinema together, walked hand in hand in the park, smiled at little children and chose names for your future fidgets...
There is another case - your partner has warm feelings and hopes to return, but you are already completely burned out. IN in this case it’s worth cutting off all the loose ends, because otherwise you can not only hurt your ex-lover, but also completely destroy warm relationships.
Interference with new relationships. If you were able to find a new love, but the old one does not give you peace and life at all, constantly causing new quarrels and scandals, weigh the pros and cons. Is it worth giving up happiness in the present for the sake of a dubious past? Unfortunately, a huge number of couples, according to numerous statistics, break up due to the fact that one of the partners cannot break off relations with his partner. old love. Allow yourself to be happy, because it is not without reason that they say: “Whoever remembers the old is out of sight.” Only here the matter is even more complicated - it concerns love.
You won't be able to discuss your personal life. It is unlikely that you will be able to ask your ex-partner for advice on true love. Jealousy that comes from somewhere will immediately surface, which will only cause uncomfortable moments.

Does such friendship really exist?

Unfortunately, most often the phrase “let's remain friends” is said only in order not to offend the partner. However, many former lovers evaluate it as a hint that it is still possible to return. Why give false hope to your once loved one, especially if he still cannot forget those wonderful moments when you were together?

Friendship with an ex can give not only the sea pleasant emotions and impressions, because a young man or girl in a new role is very tempting! But do not forget that this is also a great pain that can be caused not only to yourself, but also to your partner. First of all, it’s worth answering the question: is there friendship between exes in your particular case? In order to maintain a warm relationship that does not develop into something more, it is necessary:

It's good to part ways. If you don't have any hard feelings towards your ex-loved one, you can try moving on with him. new level- friendship. The absence of irritation and resentment is a huge chance that you will be able to maintain friendly communication that does not turn into love. A few weeks of a passionate relationship - and you will again come to the same point that caused the separation.
To have something in common. Perhaps you share the same preferences in music or you are madly in love with one author whose books you devote a huge amount of time to reading. Exactly common interests can contribute to good friendships!
New soul mates. It may not be strange, but you will have a better chance of maintaining friendship with your ex-lover if your heart has been occupied for a long time new love. The main thing is that your ex is similarly passionate about other relationships.

How to maintain normal relationships?

How often do separations occur that lead to mutual hatred... When you see your ex-lover, you may tremble with irritation and blush with anger, because he caused an incalculable amount of pain and resentment. After such a breakup, friendship between an ex-boyfriend and a girlfriend seems like a fantastic phenomenon that only happens in fairy tales.

However, despite prejudices and outbursts of rage - normal relationship You can save it! Women manage to support a good relationship not only with their lovers, but also to be friends with their ex-husbands.

So how do you still behave when “the love has passed and the tomatoes have wilted”, and you live in the same city or even on the same street:

After a breakup, try not to get depressed. Even if you are abandoned, never dare to plunge yourself into the hopeless abyss of suffering. Immediately keep yourself busy, find a new hobby that will take up a huge amount of your time. Only when you can love yourself will you be able to easily say an indifferent “Hello!” to your ex-love, who may have hurt you a lot and broke your heart.
Don't respond to hints. Even if your ex-other half hints at meetings and rekindled feelings, don’t deviate from the path if you’ve already decided everything for yourself. Refuse meetings, finding good reasons, and after a while the young man or ex-girlfriend They themselves will moderate their ardor a little. The main thing is to decide for yourself whether you want to completely break the ends.
Don't discuss ex-love behind the eyes. You shouldn’t shout at every corner about the shortcomings of your old partner, because you chose him yourself! Not only will this cause some inconvenience to your ex-lover, but you will also show yourself to be less than your best self. the best side, pushing people away from you.

In a certain era and in certain strata of society, marriages sometimes took place even before the newlyweds were born. Therefore, the guys simply did not have the opportunity to look for a mate through trial and error. Today, it is very rare to meet a person who would not try at least several options before creating a social unit. Many people bother to create several “cells” in search of “the one” or “the one.” Be that as it may, the institution of chastity has fallen, and each of us has a couple of exes behind us. Whether this is good or bad is not for me to judge.

Perhaps someone needs to “see everyone” first, so that it doesn’t hurt excruciatingly that he didn’t have enough time, or might miss his true love. And for some, one partner is enough for life. But even among representatives of the monogamous type, the first serious relationship develop into wedding ceremony, buying an apartment and choosing wallpaper for a children's room. And their exes walk on the same ground with the most ardent monogamous lovers.

Former loved ones, lovers, spouses - this is a certain status for a person. If a couple separated, it means there were certain reasons that ruined their relationship, killed love, trust, etc. And, most often, the ex is the one who is remembered with bitterness, anger or resentment. But there are also people who are able to end relationships in a civilized manner, peacefully shaking hands and dividing the jointly accumulated dollars. They can even remain friends.

Naturally, a long-term couple who has decided to cease to exist and its members to pursue a “solo career” for some time will definitely have a common social circle and hiding from each other can be quite problematic. And, so as not to divide friends, meeting places, and who meets whom New Year, they are forced to “stay friends.” Perhaps remaining friends is not so bad and painful for a person... But this is until he develops a new serious hobby. It usually happens: if a girl is friends with her ex-boyfriend, then they are civilized people who have managed to maintain friendship and intelligent communication; if a guy is friends with his ex, he “communicates with this creep.”

Jealousy. This is why you shouldn't communicate with your ex. It just might cause a lot of unpleasant emotions for your new partner. Yes, yes, ideally, a self-sufficient and self-confident person will not worry that when you meet your ex, you stick your tongue in her ear. But more often than not, your significant other will feel insecure about your one-on-one communication with your ex. Or too frequent communication by phone, in correspondence, or even likes in in social networks. Just because you had “it”, “it” can happen again. And in general, many people probably find it unpleasant when your loved one communicates nicely with someone who “knows all his cracks.”

Even if you don’t have anyone now and there are no barriers to communicating with your ex in the form of moral discomfort in the present, there is always the danger of losing control and ending up in the same bed. Sex with your ex is like a must-do item on a list of crazy things you have to do in your life. And there is nothing wrong with this if it does not subsequently cause pain to one of you. After all, you once broke up and decided that you should continue to look for happiness separately, but during breakups, most often there is one disagreer who did not want to leave. And for such a character, such sex may seem like a conciliatory gesture. And again cruel reality, and hello again, broken heart And sad statuses on Facebook.

Another, probably the biggest danger of communicating with an ex is the possibility of getting back together. Don’t throw stones at me, I understand that sometimes people break up for some stupid reason and they need to return “to the family.” But more often than not, I repeat, if you separated from your partner, there were good reasons for this. There was something that didn't suit you about each other. Over time, you began to be annoyed by his lifestyle, habits and those damn socks all over the apartment; or her inability to articulate thoughts clearly, used sanitary pads in the bathroom and constant whining. Her legs stopped being smooth, and he began to emit gases in front of her - and this everyday life killed the romance and the desire to be close to a person. But time passed and bad memories dulled. She, as a single woman, again takes excellent care of her appearance, but for him she is no longer “at home”, and he controls his gases. And now they are again interested in each other and again fascinated and intrigued by this communication and what it will lead them to. But, I dare to assure you, if people broke up because they pissed each other off, then an attempt to get back together will awaken everything negative feelings again and will force them to disperse again, but this time as enemies. After all, hopes were placed on attempt number two, and certain expectations and even demands were placed on the partner. The discrepancy with reality will make you bitterly regret that you got involved in this and, in general, “your mother didn’t grow the card for you.”

And, unfortunately, they exist on our planet bad people. They are bad not because they failed to raise such an ideal as you to heaven, but they are truly selfish and evil creatures capable of destroying the personality of a person whom they managed to charm and lure into a relationship. Communication with exes from whom you ran away in the middle of the night, leaving even your last panties in his apartment, just to quickly get rid of this nightmare, is highly not recommended for your mental health and self-esteem.

He or she will not hesitate to covertly punish you for disobedience with barbs, insults and unflattering references to the size of your genitals. As a rule, a person who suppressed your self-esteem and humiliated you in a relationship and after breaking up will try to rise up by humiliating you. Such communication will tie you up and will not give you the opportunity to move on to a bright future and a relationship with a normal person.

And overall, it's really weird to be friends with someone you've once interacted with using your own genitals. I'm not saying that it's absolutely impossible to be friends with your ex. Of course, it is best to become friends with ex-lovers happens after some time has passed. Ideally, at least a dozen years should pass for the relationship between these people and mutual grievances to be completely “nullified.” Only with the passage of time, when a person matures as a person, does his value system change, and he is essentially no longer that shaggy guy with a guitar and in tight jeans, but a respected middle manager, the father of twins and loving husband— you might think about starting to communicate with this interesting person. Best friends exes happen when you both already have established relationships with your loved ones, you don’t remember why you hate this person, and you don’t want to undress at the sight of him. Then you can have coffee together and go to the zoo with your families.

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