Shyness in children - my shy baby! Features of the manifestation of shyness in preschool children

Being the mother of a naturally shy eldest son, over the past couple of years I have “shoveled” dozens of books and articles in which, in one way or another, child shyness issues.
As a result, I became the owner of a decent list causes of shyness in children and advice on dealing with it.
First, let's try to answer the question for ourselves, What to do with our shy children, “accept for who they are, or fight and re-educate.”

Saturday morning we stroked white shirt and velvet trousers. My four-year-old son polished the shoes himself and packed the presents. We had a trip to the birthday party of eight-year-old twins, the daughters of my girlfriend. My son asked me with pleasure whether the animator would play with the children, how many candles the girls would have on the cake, 8 or 16, and so on.) But, having come to the holiday, he unexpectedly shied away. He hid behind my back, grabbed my hand and did not move a single step. Much later, I realized that my four-year-old was frightened by eight-year-old guests, a “animator girl” in an Indian costume, instead of the expected “animator boy”, whom he had seen twice at other holidays. Confused kid refused to apply face painting, play games. And he went to be sad in the corridor, sighing tragically. Maybe mine played a role. chronic fatigue and lack of sleep. But I got angry, I felt ashamed of my son in front of other guests. I tried to put pressure on him and shame him .. After three minutes of my “terrible whisper”, I received a child with eyes full of tears and heard the phrase: – Mom, don’t you understand HOW I’m shy??
And then I changed my mind. My son happily went with me to the tea room, where he played with the 8-month-old baby of his girlfriend, drank tea and ate properly, behaved politely and freely among adults. And then, seeing that everyone was handing out balls, he rushed into the hall and asked to make him a magic sword or a dog.)

At night, having put the children to bed, I drank tea and read a book by Eda Le Shan, which quite by chance came across to me right now on the path of life. And with every page I read, I realized that “accidents are not accidental.”
So, I invite you to look back at your childhood and take a fresh look at your childhood timidity, as well as to understand and forgive the shyness of our own children, the cynicism and buffoonery of some of our acquaintances, the seeming rudeness of teenagers, and even the refusal to “play the violin / tell a poem” on the part of some child we know.

The disadvantages of shyness are obvious to many.

According to psychologists, painful shyness prevents a child from making friends and exercising in communication with other people. A shy child often develops extremely low self-esteem which prevents him from successfully studying, engaging in creativity and self-expression. Therefore, most modern psychologists and psychotherapists are in a hurry to offer paid consultations and immediate help to parents and their shy kids.

There is an opinion that shyness can bother us because sometimes it takes a painful form. self-prejudice. When a person feels unhappy: fat, clumsy, ugly, or tongue-tied.
Such a person needs society, but at the same time does not enter into relationships with either peers or adults. In this case, shyness is not a character trait, but distorted self-perception. Especially often this perception is typical for adolescents in transition period development.

Another case where shyness can disturb us is if it is used to mask aggression or hostility towards others.
Sometimes a child is so afraid of his true feelings that uses shyness as a defense. Such a child needs to be carefully taught to express feelings. “If you make it clear to a classmate that you are angry, you will not offend her.” Gradually, the child will learn to express his anger with words without hurting anyone. real harm. And then he will stop hiding under the mask of shyness.

Shyness as an escape from reality.
A person in this case dreams of his successes and victories, but is deeply convinced that he will not achieve anything. Therefore, he does not even make attempts to do anything in reality.
When shyness means avoiding bringing out the best in yourself, it becomes a disadvantage.

Shyness as a consequence of the “imposed role”.
Such shyness occurs when a child is asked to play a role, which does not suit him. For example, a child who enjoys learning to play the guitar suddenly becomes shy when his parents ask him to demonstrate his art in public. His pleasure from his favorite pastime is spoiled by an impossible demand. It's just that not all children can and want to be artists. And this normal feature personalities. No need to insist. Perhaps later, feeling greater self-confidence, the child himself will agree to the performance.

Finally, shyness is often masked by excessive sociability, cynicism and buffoonery. Such a person tries to always be in the spotlight, convincing himself that he does not suffer from modesty at all. This type of behavior is also characteristic of teenagers. So, perhaps your child is at an age stage.

And now let's put in a word in defense of shyness!

Why should we consider shyness as a disadvantage, seeking to rid our children of it and overcome it in ourselves?
Shy people are often the most warm and sympathetic listeners having the ability to cause a person to be frank.
Shy people own a special gift of communication which is sometimes more effective than words.
Yes, some children are born shy. But whether this becomes a virtue or a disadvantage depends on our attitude. If parents do not shame the baby for shyness and do not try to change him in a violent way, he grows up with a positive attitude to yourself.
Why not tell the child a few encouraging phrases V difficult situation communicating with an unfamiliar company? You can give him some kind of task, for example, deliver sandwiches / help with dishes. Then he will be too busy to feel embarrassed.
Hearing just one encouraging phrase, said to her, your little daughter will be very proud and will try to justify your trust. Just tell her father or grandmother: - Yes, I have a shy daughter, and I'm very happy about it: it's wonderful to be so gentle and sensitive.

If children's shyness is perceived as a disadvantage and the parents express their concern in the presence of the child, she may acquire distorted painful forms. Such shyness, reinforced by your negative reaction, will become an insurmountable obstacle in the life of a child. It is this disbelief in his strength on the part of his parents and his own self-doubt that become the cause of great frustration. And not shyness itself!

What to do if your friendly and cheerful child suddenly becomes shy and shy? In this case, most likely, the child passes inevitable stage age shyness. He needs to form his own view of the world, his own way of communicating with people. Age-related shyness is evidence of a growing self-awareness in life, not an impending pathology.

Shyness is a must respectable and potentially positive human quality.
If you recognize your modesty naturally feelings and actions, then it will become source of joy.
A humble person makes balanced choices in friendship, work, and love. Finding a few closest friends, making scientific discoveries in a small laboratory, and falls in love with another kind soul who will appreciate it.

And may a child with innate shyness calmly and joyfully finds its place in the world. And the task of parents is to help their baby live a full-blooded and interesting life. teach him sympathy and concern not to offend others. All of these are the true, best manifestations of shyness.

So, by reading, analyzing, and just learning to be calm, I got the courage to discover in my shy son best qualities : tenderness, delicacy, deep and inquisitive mind, and touching trust. Let the warmth of this child's hand continue to warm me, as much as he needs, until one day he himself takes a step forward from me.

Shyness in children manifests itself in different ways. Someone is shy when they first meet other children or adults, some are only with adults, and still others are afraid of publicity. But, if a child is constantly indecisive and unnecessarily modest, this is already a serious obstacle in his life path.

The shyness of children does not always mean that they have low self-esteem. Rather, it is even overpriced, but there is a fear of being in a ridiculous situation, because it seems to them that everyone evaluates them. Communication is difficult for them, so they prefer to stay away.

Internal background. E that type of temperament, which, as you know, is a dynamic process of an innate nature and remains stable throughout life.

The most shy - melancholics, belonging to the category of the weak type, experience failures for a long time and are prone to negative emotions.
This is followed by phlegmatic people - they find it difficult to converge with new people, stingy with external impressions.
Strong types are practically never shy - sanguine and choleric.

External preconditions. TO as a rule, they are based on education - strict, with multiple prohibitions and constant comments from adults. As a result, the child develops complexes: awareness of his imperfection, a reduced sense of his importance, a painful reaction to the assessment of other people.

How to overcome shyness?

Try not to talk about your child's shyness with other adults in front of your child. Otherwise, he himself will get used to and affirm himself in the thought that he really is like that and will perceive himself as such.
Talk to him more often as an equal: ask for advice, listen carefully when he tells something or expresses his opinion, shows a drawing or craft.
His feelings, emotions and desires should be very important to you - treat them carefully and with respect. This will strengthen his self-respect.
Try to get him to talk about his failures and grievances. They should not accumulate in it. For a shy child, this is doubly difficult.
From an early age, teach your child to communicate with other people. Find a reason for it. For example, let him ask the price of a toy in a store if he wants you to buy it.
Of course, such a child should be praised more, even for small victories, for his activity. Do not forget that this required a lot of effort from him in the way of combating his indecision.
Be calm about his mistakes and blunders - this is how he gains invaluable experience, tempers character. Let it be negative, but it is no less significant than the positive.

Shyness is not a sentence. With age, it decreases, becomes not so strong and painful, but does not go away completely. Such children in the future are more stable in work, friendship, love. A child in the process of life learns to overcome shyness on his own, gradually gaining experience, but in many ways, parents play the main role in this.

One of the basic human needs is the need for companionship and recognition. For a shy person, the need to communicate causes certain difficulties. What is natural for others becomes a problem for him. It is inconvenient for him to ask for help, to establish contacts with new people, he may feel very constrained and embarrassed while in society. Adults are also overly shy, and in some cases the baby turns into a stable character trait.

Why is the child shy?

In some periods of growth and development, all children are shy, although the degree of manifestation of this property is different for them. For example, girls are more likely to be shy than boys. This is due to their gender and characteristics of education. Sometimes children outgrow the “shy” age, and the character remains the same. A preschooler is afraid to look up at an adult or ask for something for himself. A student is embarrassed to raise his hand in class, a teenager does not dare to meet a peer of the opposite sex, fearing rejection. Parents and loved ones need to know why the child is very shy and how to help him.

Age features

At 8 months of age, babies begin to experience "stranger fear", which is a psychologically based stage of growing up. Relatives and acquaintances, to whom the children had calmly walked into their arms before, are often discouraged. Do not worry and sound the alarm - this is not shyness. So the baby grows up, starting to feel his autonomy.

From year to three years the child trusts relatives and well-known. Strangers make him anxious and embarrassed. The question of why a child is shy should not worry the parents of such a baby. Mother and father teach him to get to know each other and get comfortable in a new environment, instilling confidence in the baby with their presence and support.

At the age of three or a little later, most kids start attending kindergarten. Some peanuts calmly get used to the situation, while others are still too early to change something in their lives. There are boys and girls who children's institution due to the peculiarities of their character and upbringing, it is still categorically contraindicated. For a shy kid, a new environment is stressful. How to ask for help, express your needs, if there is one (or two) educator, and there are many children?

Did your new little one go to school? Here he first sits at a desk, then becomes a teenager, a high school student. Too obvious manifestation of restraint and indecision at this age suggests that the child is suffering. It is difficult for him to show spontaneity and activity, to get acquainted with other children. It's hard to say "no" or stand your ground. The need to adapt to the ideas of other people and dependence on their assessments hinder the development of one's own abilities and the search for a personal vocation.

Exciting questions

What to do if the child is too shy, what can be said about his insecurity and fear, how parents can help their son or daughter overcome negative experience that makes it hard to breathe full chest? Is it necessary to try to "rebuild" the baby if he is naturally shy? These questions have always worried parents. The answer to them lies in individual features minor: character, temperament, upbringing, environment, home environment, and so on. It is possible to help the child, but parents must understand the main thing: the well-being of the child depends to a large extent on them.

"Themselves are..."

The formation of internal confidence depends on many factors. Modesty and modesty can be a manifestation of an innate temperament or determined by the influence of the family environment in which a small person lives. Timid parents dream of a lively and mischievous son, and they have a shy child. The reasons for shyness are obvious, where does the baby get decisiveness if his parents are timid and do not know how to fend for themselves?

Control or permissiveness

Controlling parents often convey excessive strictness and an authoritarian approach to parenting. The child is surrounded by obsessive attention and guardianship, his every step is checked. Parents of this type are proud and focused on external evaluation. Their child must be the best, his real inner world adults are not interested. Instead of empathy - criticism and evaluation. Instead of sincere interest - indications of the successes and abilities of other children.

The opposite side of control is overindulgence. Lack of clear boundaries and lack of emotional support are its main features. The result of such "education" is extremely similar to the result of a drill with predominant control. A toddler perceives himself as weak and insignificant, suffers from Controlling parents and adults with an indulgent parenting style may wonder why a child is shy, but, unfortunately, they rarely understand that the reason lies in themselves.

“And here they are, the conditions ...”

Separately, the influence should be highlighted. Perhaps in such a kindred environment there is violence, or parents suffer from alcoholism. There are many options. Children from such families are sure that the world is not safe, and they do not deserve good relationship. The feeling of embarrassment for their family poisons their lives and makes them cringe in shame. Also, the formation of a healthy structure of the "I" is endangered in those children who have lost their parents or were separated from their mother early.

You need to change your approach to the baby. Relatives will help and It is worth learning to use “I-statements” in conversation. There is no need to admire a child for any reason, but for real, albeit small, achievements, one must praise. It is useful to entrust responsible tasks and thank for their implementation. You need to talk with respect, even if there is a baby in front of an adult. You can not raise your voice to the child and compare it with other children. Let him make sure that he is important in himself, such as he is, then his self-esteem will begin to strengthen.

Fathers are often even more worried than mothers that they have a shy child. “What to do?” they ask, especially when it comes to a boy. Dads of sons need to understand that courage and determination will not appear at will or at the will of an adult. Parental support is needed to form such properties. A father should always be on the side of his baby, not scold him for cowardice, but protect him, be a support. Then the child will gradually overcome his shyness and in the future will become courageous and bold, like dad.

Each person's personality is unique. Children are no exception. Parents are mistaken, spending energy and time on "remaking" a little person. He will never live up to expectations because he has his own way. Wise parents they do not cherish dreams of an ideal toddler, they are attentive to their real children, know their needs and come to the rescue when necessary. They know why the child is shy or too active, as they are responsive to any of his features. In an atmosphere of trust and friendship, even flowers open, so main advice adults - treat children seriously and respectfully. And do not forget that their happiness and well-being is in your hands.

Young children experience shyness even in a safe environment, according to their parents. A shy person - and even more so a child - is too sensitive to rejection by other people. He prefers to remain in the shadows, not to show himself. The American social psychologist Philip Zimbardo compares this personality trait with the voluntary deprivation of one's freedom. He dedicated the book The Shy Child, which he co-authored with Shirley Radle, to the phenomenon of shyness.

For those who are preparing for the main school exam

Causes of shyness

There is a hypothesis that shyness is a quality that is inherited. But it is quite difficult to accurately identify the factors that influence the formation of a shy personality. We can only say with certainty that if parents do not teach their children to easily communicate and get acquainted with different people- children will grow up shy.

Other factors that may be triggers for shyness include:

1. Development of skills and abilities which the child often fails to master in young age(for example, reading at the age of two) cause dissatisfaction with parents, and the child withdraws into himself and perceives the love of loved ones as a merit for good behavior.

2. Inability to behave in different situations at a too early age, when adults simply did not teach and explain how and where it is customary to start a conversation, causes a strong fear of any contact in a child prone to shyness.

3. Control and excessive discipline when the child is simply not given the right to vote.

4. And too different upbringing girls and boys, when a child does not understand how to communicate with people of the opposite sex.

Shyness in preschool

The environment in which a shy child finds himself has a bad effect on his emotional condition. The task of parents is to teach him to adjust the world to his own needs instead of passively accepting Negative influence from contacts. Once on his TV show, American journalist Phil Donahue conducted an experiment. Two shy strangers were seated on adjacent chairs facing the auditorium. They were uncomfortable, it was impossible to establish contact, their eyes wandered fearfully around the hall. Everything changed when the strangers' chairs were turned away from the crowd and placed opposite each other. It became noticeably easier for these two to be in the television studio, and they were able to start getting to know each other.

Parents can help themselves timid child. Try to get him to talk to strangers

If guests or a repairman are to come, prepare your child in advance: tell about the purpose of the visit, what the person will do at your place. And with the guests who came, you should not discuss shy behavior, exposing timidity as a disadvantage.

Create situations where the child will have the opportunity to communicate with peers. For example, in kindergarten, on playground or in a dance studio. Do not interfere with the way the child meets other children. Try not to dress your shy child in clothes that may be very different from what is accepted in the peer group. Support his need to be alone sometimes, but do not specifically isolate from society. The beginning of friendship in the usual home environment given to such children is much easier.

Zimbardo insists on active physical development. Confidence in own body, developed physical endurance and dexterity help the child feel comfortable and make friends with peers easier. Zimbardo claims that “a child who has an idea of his own physical capabilities can reasonably judge what he is capable of and what he is not, he will never go crazy. The willingness to take risks characterizes leaders and people who are successful in business.”

Caregivers exacerbate shyness by perceiving the “goodness” of girls and boys as positive quality. active kids, who are not afraid to prove themselves, on the contrary, deserve the censure of adults. But it is also worth understanding that negative attitude significant adult to a calm character makes a reasonable child downtrodden and timid.

How to develop sociability

WITH early age tell your child stories in which reality is intertwined with fantasy. Their main character should be your child. Let the story begin in some familiar place, but embellish reality. Behind the high mountains that no eagle can fly over, beyond the wide seas in which white sharks and sirens swim, lies the city ... Let other family members become participants in the fairy tale, just change their names slightly. A big trouble should happen in history, which your strong, brave, quick-witted and beautiful child will eventually decide. The joint writing of such stories helps the child to believe in himself, teaches him to be the center of attention and not be afraid to act.

The second way that develops sociability is when a shy child plays with a younger child. This is proved by an experiment conducted by psychologists at the University of Minnesota. Scientists have come to the conclusion that playing with young children allows a timid child to express and realize his leadership skills.

Shyness at school

Even self-confident and sociable children depend on the situation at school and the attitude of the teacher towards them. shy kids must understand that they are no different from other guys in the team. Not every teacher knows that it is necessary to properly pay attention to such children: to talk about everyday topics, but not to touch on topics that can cause embarrassment. If shyness affects learning, it is better to establish contact with such a child during after hours. For example, ask him for help after school.

It is necessary in a calm atmosphere to assure him that he can ask questions about his studies without fear. In children's groups, where the competitive element is minimized, and help and attention to each other are in the first place, there are usually no problems even for very timid schoolchildren.

No matter how wise your child's teacher may be, with the beginning of studies, shyness (if any) becomes the dominant personality trait

Moreover, if the teacher prefers that "the children be seen but not heard," shyness will manifest itself more and more, as it will be approved by the teacher. Today, school is the place where a lot is demanded of children, criticized for mistakes. The main disadvantage here is that the child behaves like a child. Very often for a first grader, such an environment becomes a shock. Sometimes teachers try to re-educate the quiet and do it in the worst possible way.

Zimbardo criticizes the school device. He argues that the school is determined to produce passive and obedient citizens. The attention of children from the natural state of "here and now" is constantly directed to an uncertain future, for the sake of which one must study well.

A shy child already thinks too much about the consequences of his actions. His slight concern quickly develops into fear and anxiety, it is difficult for such a child to enjoy the moment. The pleasure of learning is replaced by the system external awards for performing someone else's task on someone else's terms, which in no way contributes to the formation of an objective and prosperous attitude towards oneself in the child.

For success in school, parents must always be on the side of the child. Do not use the word "shy" in a conversation with a teacher, but call your child calm, reasonable, attentive. Never settle for the label "underperforming" and even more so "retarded". And always remember that the teacher can make mistakes.

Shy teenager

Shyness can do adolescence the worst period in life. Popularity at school more important than grades, and it is her absence that makes the shy teenager suffer even more. Girls, who are required from an early age to amazing beauty. And if the girl does not look like the ideal accepted in the school company, she is in a state of constant dissatisfaction with herself and irritation. Shy teenagers are twice as likely to start drinking and smoking than their more confident peers. They consider alcohol and drugs a means of getting rid of their own timidity.

Parents can help a teenager, but for this you will have to be patient. Your child today can be affectionate and accommodating, and tomorrow forget all persuasions and promises. Zimbardo goes into detail about the issues that affect the teenager. At the same time, adults may not even suspect that unfashionable trousers or slight skin rashes can make him unhappy. And if in primary school you closely monitored the behavior of everyone who surrounds your child, then in the eldest, reduce control to a minimum.

At the end of the book, Zimbardo, among other things, refers to grown-up boys and girls. He tells how you can understand and solve their problem in seven steps, and also gives specific recommendations for communication.

The phenomenon of child shyness is described in the book The Shy Child by Philip Zimbardo, co-authored with Shirley Radle.

Photo: iStockphoto (volkovslava, NiDerLander, ilona75, gpointstudio, Hramovnick)

He is insecure in the presence of strangers, sometimes even experiencing panic attacks. Also, the cause of shyness may be a lack or lack of human relationship skills. In this case, babies try to hide their fear and discomfort behind cheeky, overly active and assertive behavior.

The main way to both fight and prevent shyness and shyness is the formation of self-confidence. Creation favorable atmosphere in the house, a sense of care and warmth will also help the baby not be so afraid of the outside world.

the best way to strengthen a sense of self-confidence and one's strengths - this is the performance of difficult tasks. Difficult but doable. Help your child go through all the tests and reach the end. Do not scold him for his mistakes, on the contrary, instill in him the idea that it is impossible to do everything right and that everyone makes mistakes.

Never scold him for personal ones, and even more so, do not discuss misconduct and oversights with the child around him, do not ridicule his weaknesses. On the contrary, find a strong side in the baby and help him develop it so that it receives an approving assessment from outside.

Adequate self-esteem and feeling self-importance also never allowed to become timid. Low self-esteem, feelings of insignificance and shyness are closely related and complement each other. Children with low self-esteem are most susceptible to criticism and experience it for a very long time inside themselves, and the child should be comfortable alone with himself.

The development of an active life position in children will protect them from all manifestations of timidity and shyness. Inaction breeds shyness. It is necessary to try to change the model of behavior of y, and not his personality. Try to isolate him from various anxieties and stresses: the baby's clothes and hairstyle should not be a reason for ridicule. However, try to avoid social isolation: let him have access to information so that he can support any conversation.