What to do if a man is indecisive? Signs of a weak man

In the compartment, an indecisive Frenchman and a Frenchwoman. Evening is coming.
The woman yawns. He timidly tries to strike up a conversation:
- Oh, madam yawns?
- No, this Monsieur yawns, and Madame just wants to!

Imagine the situation: you really like a guy, and you would like to build a relationship with him, BUT:

You are annoyed by his indecision;
You do not understand why he does not take the initiative in developing your relationship;
Why do you have to make decisions;
Why the initiative always comes from you;
Is it right that it is almost always trouble-free;
You will never figure out whether it is worth building a relationship with an indecisive guy.

In any case, the decision is up to you, but perhaps a few tips will help you decide.

So, first, let's look at the origins of indecision - they can be of a different nature, and, depending on this, you can determine whether it is treated in your case.

1. The easiest case: Not enough experience

Your boyfriend does not have enough experience with girls, including sexual, or this experience is negative. You don't need to go deeper and deeper. Having a positive experience will not only make him more confident, but it may also release the inner blockers that will unlock his potential. Your task is to become a reliable and very accommodating instructor. But it is advisable for you to monitor in advance so that confidence does not grow into self-confidence and does not expose character traits that are incompatible with living together :)

Without delving into the psychological wilds, just take the following advice:

You take the initiative on your own and don't worry about what people might think of you, and "I'm not like that" and "actually, I usually don't ...". Your role is the role of a woman who, with this man, is ready for various follies and experiments;
After "instructions" and enthusiasm, you slowly give him the initiative, focusing on his potential as a husband, breadwinner and responsible person. And whenever your man acts like a man, you naturally reinforce it. In no case do not take it for granted, for an indecisive person it is super-efforts and a new experience - to be a man not only in bed (unless, of course, you want to make a Macho out of your man);
Never compare your man to anyone.

For a better understanding of the anecdote on the topic:

A man comes home, and his girlfriend greets him with a candlelit dinner and light music. After dinner, he changes into a flirty dressing gown and says: “Now love me, as in the most best films about love"

The man sweeps the dishes off the table, throws the girl right on the table, then grabs her by the hair from behind and continues to play with the fury of a roaring beast. The culmination finds the girl on her knees with a cock escaping from her mouth and ejaculate splashing in her face.

After the lovers put themselves in order, the girl says: “Yes, dear, we are watching different films with you”

Remember, if you are an instructor, then you are taking part in shaping the norms and rules of your relationship.

And the last thing you need to know - how do you know that this is exactly the case?

The signs are simple:

You periodically in various situations notice qualities that appeal to you: a sense of humor, sociability, openness, perseverance, etc .;
You feel that you are safe next to this person;
You feel gratitude on his part for your initiative and this gratitude is sincere;
Your man is openly proud of you and gladly introduces you to his friends;
He does not allow himself or others hints of a disrespectful attitude towards you.

2. The case is more difficult, but not fatal: He realizes that he does not have enough initiative

Your boyfriend realizes that he is not proactive enough and calmly accepts the correct hints that those models family relations, which were accepted in his family, are a limitation, and, most importantly, that he is ready to work with it.

In this case, you need to be a little psychologist and not try to immediately present a bunch of your requirements to him (unless, of course, you want to scare him and immerse him in complexes even deeper)

What to do:

Communicate. Without criticism, calmly, in a descriptive style and jointly look for options for other solutions. As soon as you see a demonstration of a new behavior for him, positively reinforce it.

For example:

Your boyfriend is always in a cafe asking you to order something for him, embarrassed to do “wrong”, “wrong”, “embarrassing”. Tell him that today you are happy to give him the right to choose by playing the game "guess and please" or "guess not." After the meal, be sure to praise for the choice. “You know, sometimes it’s so hard to decide, but you really felt exactly what I would like, it’s so nice, the only thing: the dessert was already hard to enter, although it was very tasty.”

Help in his indecision to see and feel the "strength". When he confesses his indecision to you, help him see the situation from a different angle.

For example:

“You know, in situations where a person experiences indecision, there are pluses, you need to see them. When you and I went to the cinema, you thought for a long time and could not decide which row to take tickets for, tell me, what were you thinking about? - "Well, I thought where you would be more comfortable, where the sound is better, etc." - “You see, you are very sensitive and attentive, now it is a rarity, you just need not to dwell on it for a long time, but your solution is almost always perfect”

Do not give him the opportunity to doubt his family and upbringing, show maximum respect.

3. The case is complex: Mama's son.

Anecdote on the subject:

A modest Jewish guy came to a sex therapist and complains that he just got married and that he is not succeeding with his young wife. The doctor asks to tell how he is in bed. The patient says that he lies on his right side, and nothing happens.
Doctor says:
- Well, you lie on your left side.
Patient:
- What, facing mom?

Mom raised the boy for herself, so you will not only get an overgrown uncle in the form of a child, but, as a bonus, his mother, who hated you even before you met her son. I do not think that this is an infantile and narcissistic creature - a good option to build relationships, unless, of course, pain, even if emotional, is not a source of pleasure for you.

How to "calculate" an insecure man? Indecisive man psychology

Why are guys so indecisive

Indecisive men are often afraid of both starting and developing relationships with women. It may seem to them that their chosen one is too beautiful, too smart, and simply divine, which is why she probably has so many fans. In such cases, the woman herself has to win the man she likes.

Timid men - why is this? Why are they so afraid of the women they love? Can we say that a man's shyness is a definite loss in fate and life?

Such indecisive boys

Despite all the masculinity, at the very beginning of a relationship or even before it starts), the girls ask frequently asked question- “why guys are so indecisive”, taking risks is a common thing for them, and when it comes to starting a relationship, all masculinity and determination will disappear somewhere. It's about the moment a guy wants Serious relationships and not just find a girl for one night. We will deal with this issue in the framework of this article.

Why are guys so indecisive? By the look you can understand that he likes you, but call to the cinema, or just take a walk for him impossible task. Here again, the question rests solely on male psychology, yes, yes, yes, this is another confirmation that girls and guys think completely differently.

First, you need to overcome the fear that strikes this indecision. Why? For a man (guy), there is nothing more humiliating and offensive than being rejected by a girl. Of course, there are alpha males with increased EGO, but fortunately there are only a few of them. Most men are afraid of being rejected. Of course, you can’t say this outwardly, but understand, in the depths of your soul, in questions personal life, they are experiencing no less than ours.

Therefore, especially beautiful girls they behave very carefully, carefully, like wolves circling, gradually getting closer. You can wait a long time until he gathers his strength and decides to take this step, so if the guy is really nice to you, you should not wait for actions on his part, but take the whole situation into your own hands - offer to go somewhere yourself.

What? Do you think it's not for women? Should a man take the first step? Previously, of course, this was the case, but times have changed, and so that the peasant is not taken away, act on your own. I'm not saying at all that you should do everything yourself, and even take care of him, but give the first impetus - why not? You will show that he is not indifferent to you and you want more, and then determination, confidence will come to him and everything will be just super.

Why are guys so indecisive? In 94% of cases it is caused by loss. Yes, yes, yes, not only guys leave girls, it happens very much the other way around. And for a guy, it's a shame in triplets.

And one more reason for their indecision (again lies in psychology) - a real man wolf, male He considers pretty girl like a future wife. This feeling wakes up somewhere after 22-23 years old, when you have already walked up and nature itself at the level of genetics openly says that it's time to start a family. This is where the hesitation kicks in. Fear not just of being abandoned or rejected, but of not right choice.

Reasons for the indecision of guys

Let's try to understand what they are really afraid of:

A man is afraid to get acquainted with a beautiful woman, because he thinks that she will upset him with a refusal. Refusal - blow below the belt. There can be a thousand such blows, so a man, if possible, protects himself as best he can.
A man is afraid to hear that a woman has a spouse, or a boyfriend. He does not want to be "secondary". He loves to be the only one. Basically, like any woman.
It seems to a man that a beautiful woman cannot like him, since she already has a lot of admirers.
A man is afraid of "jokes" and jokes of a beautiful woman. If, in a joke, offended him weak spots- his self-esteem is slipping lower and lower, approaching zero.
A man is afraid of the beauty of a woman because he is afraid of falling in love. Fall in love unrequited! Unrequited love will cause him the wildest pain.
A man is afraid of the beauty of a woman, because he believes that a beautiful woman is capable of quitting at any moment. And without explanation, even.
A man is afraid to start a relationship with a beauty. Because the beauty will be popular with many men, and this will not delight.
A man is afraid of the requests of a beautiful woman. He seems to be unable to give beautiful lady what anyone else could give.
Men have very low self-esteem. So they are looking for an “average” life partner, pretty, and not beautiful.
Men are afraid of the one in which there is a lot of beauty, because next to her they will feel uncomfortable. Again, self esteem...
It seems to a man that beautiful people do not know how to love. It seems to him that someone who is beautiful needs only profit. Hence the danger! So he is afraid of falling into a trap. He doesn’t understand, poor fellow, that you can’t run away from fate.
The man thinks that beautiful woman cannot belong to one person. This stops, does not allow to take a decisive step, instills fear.

How to deal with an indecisive man

If you find that your chosen one is very indecisive, the first thing you should do is be patient. No need to be angry with him, put pressure on him, force things - all this can make a man disappear altogether or scare him so that he will no longer approach you. But at the same time, you should not be too soft and supple, expecting the first step from him yourself. Choose the golden mean and act calmly and carefully.

Try to increase the man's self-esteem. It is important to do this unobtrusively and without unnecessary flattery. It makes sense to ask him for a service that he can definitely provide, and admire the level of his knowledge and skill. Find out what a man can do best and take advantage of it. Let him feel skillful, strong, needed. When developing a relationship, do not forget to warm up the man’s interest in you and maintain his self-esteem.

IN last resort When time or patience is running out, you can put a person in front of an urgent choice and thereby force him to act quickly and decisively. For example, a woman who wants to achieve recognition can secretly tell that she has been offered a job in another city and, if nothing holds her back, in a few days she will leave for good.

An indecisive man: steps to get closer to him

Show your chosen one that you are interested in him, show your sympathy. But remember that, unfortunately, indecisive men are very bad at understanding hints and often dismiss them, because they are afraid that in fact they are only being played with. Communicate in a friendly and welcoming manner, show special interest, but do not push too hard. Gradually, a man will be convinced that he means more to you than other people.

Try to flirt a little. Light coquetry, touches at the level of friendly touches, words spoken in a whisper in the ear, a direct eye-to-eye enticing look - these are all standard tricks that men tend to interpret automatically. You don’t need to seem available to him - just gently show that he can behave more boldly and move on to closer communication.

If the opportunity presents itself to start a natural heart-to-heart conversation, do it. Share your feelings and doubts, trust - let the man see how vulnerable you are, let him understand that you may need protection and care. This will help him open up in response and even encourage him to want to take you under his wing.

Interesting articles

girldesire.ru

Why is a man indecisive in relation to a woman?

There is no women's community in which the problems of "grinding" modern men would not be discussed. Men, they say, have become passive, timid and indecisive. Let's try to figure out why men are indecisive in relation to a woman.

What kind of men are indecisive

Psychologists advise avoiding the words "everything", "always", "no one" and "never". The world is not black and white, it is full of colors and halftones. So to say that supposedly all men are indecisive would be wrong. Therefore, we will focus on some types of indecisive men.

Recently divorced. Such a man might not have healed his injuries yet. Men only outwardly look calm after a divorce, in fact they are very worried about failures in relation to a woman. Some men immediately rush headlong into new novels in order to forget after a divorce. Others may survive for several years. And all the while they shun long term relationship with women. The most interesting thing is that the second type of post-divorce stress experiences is considered the most correct in terms of psychology. That is, a man needs time to recover from the injuries received from a divorce from ex-wife. Sissy. Mommy's sons often do not want to start a family until old age. They are so attached to the soul of the mother that no woman can compete with her. Marriage or a relationship with a woman for them is a step in adult life for which they are not ready. Usually they have increased obligations towards their mother, which they themselves come up with. Even if your romance with such a man begins, you will always be alone on holidays, he will try to go on vacation with his mother, and not with you. And besides, you will be constantly attacked by him for not being able to cook, wash and housekeeping as well as his mother. Disinterested man. Sometimes a man’s lack of courage in relation to you only says that he is not interested in you. Not always men can be frank with a woman in this matter. Showing delicacy, they can slightly react to your initiatives and flirt. But as soon as you show more courage, they retreat and can even “send” you extremely harshly. In order not to fall into such an ambiguous and unpleasant situation, try to find out what kind of women he likes and see if they are similar to you in appearance or character. To do this, it may be enough just to analyze the ladies with whom he had long and a good relationship previously.

What kind of women are indecisive men

If you are tormented by the question of why a man is indecisive in relation to a woman, take a closer look at the woman herself. There are several types of women that turn most men off. And if such women want men to stop being afraid of them, they must first of all work on themselves, and not engage in debates with their friends about the fact that all modern men are bastards. Consider just a few types of women that men are afraid of.

Firestarter. Scientists have calculated that the level of stress that occurs in a man when a woman refuses is much higher if he is refused by a beautiful woman than if he is refused by a woman. average appearance. This applies to any kind social statuses. The more perfect a woman is in some capacity, the more courage men need to approach her. Not only the first beauty, but also the first smart girl or the first rich woman "in the countryside" can scare away most men. That is why it is easier for a man to decide on an affair with your less attractive and successful girlfriend than with you. To stop scaring off men, a woman needs to master such behavioral methods that show that she is not perfect in some way. It makes sense for a beauty to appear in public in a careless way, and it’s not a sin for a smart girl to pretend to be a fool. A rich woman can, naively batting her eyes, ask a man to pay for himself in cafes and cinemas. This will allow him to relax a little and look at you in a completely new way. Lady boss. Men don't like dominant women. Our society is still quite patriarchal, so for the most part, men still like modest, quiet, submissive ladies. If a woman has achieved a high status in her career or society, it can be difficult for her to switch to the role of a poor Cinderella after work. She begins to compete with men for power and the superiority of her own opinion, as a result, they run from her like fire. If you find yourself bossy in relationships with men, learn to tell yourself: "Stop." Know how to be gentle, feminine with a man, and you yourself will not notice how so many of them will appear around you that you can even choose. Feminist. This type of women is even scarier than careerists. They can stay at home and raise children, and promote the ideas of feminism at the level of communication with people. But more often feminists have quite a high degree financial freedom, which they earn themselves or receive along with an inheritance or parental support. A man in their understanding is just a male donor who gives sperm to conceive a child. Such a woman can hammer a nail, get money, give birth and raise children herself. Some men like this type of woman: they can relax with them and lie in front of the TV all evening long, lazily listening to her moralizing. Most male feminists avoid like fire. Women who believe that all men are bastards. Women who hate men and do not trust them themselves scare them away with such behavior. They can wait for the prince on a white horse, while sweeping aside all less worthy applicants. High expectations, combined with malevolence, scare men away, and they do the right thing by avoiding such women. After all, such an extremely unfriendly and hostile attitude towards the other sex is a sign of serious psychological problems who can turn any relationship into a real hell. Further...

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Shy man. / Relationships and psychology / Man and woman

Since ancient times, a strong opinion has formed in our society that the so-called real man must necessarily have such character traits as self-confidence, assertiveness, fearlessness and composure. Therefore, in order not to cause ridicule and misunderstanding on the part of others, male representatives from the very young age they do their best to match the image of masculinity expected from them, diligently eradicating in their character and behavior the features that do not fit this image: sensitivity, emotionality, timidity, indecision and shyness.

If the rigidity of behavior and the ability to keep their feelings and emotions under complete control have become a habit for a man, he usually will no longer be able to behave differently, even if the beloved woman with tears in her eyes begins to accuse him of callousness, insensitivity and indifference. On the other hand, men with such character traits as modesty and shyness are rarely popular with women, as they seem weak and not masculine enough, although this impression is superficial and can be very erroneous. Most women tend to invent for themselves a certain ideal of a man, and then involuntarily compare all potential applicants for husbands or lovers with him. The perfect man seems to many representatives of the weaker sex to be such a combination of a handsome man, a superman and a fearless warrior in one bottle, and they, most often, do not even think about the fact that rare similar specimens value themselves so highly and make such high demands on women that they exist with them side by side can be very, very difficult. But it is usually much easier and more pleasant to communicate with modest and shy men!

Indeed, from the outside, shy modest people often do not look the most impressive: they constantly blush, are embarrassed, stoop, say something out of place, or even prefer to remain silent in order to attract less attention to themselves. Therefore, women usually rarely pay attention to modest people and almost never fall in love with them. And very much in vain! A shy man can have wonderful personal qualities and achieve in life no less success than a daring and assertive one. In addition, modest women who are not spoiled by the attention of women usually appreciate those women who have paid attention to them and value their relationship with them very much.

humble and timid men most often they have a very valuable quality of character - delicacy. Delicacy is manifested primarily in polite and courteous treatment of others, in the inability to offend with a rude word or cruel deed. A delicate person is usually very pleasant and easy to communicate with, unobtrusive, respectful, considers the partner's point of view. Therefore, this quality is one of the most valuable and necessary in building close relationships between a man and a woman. In addition, you should not think that modest and shy men are so because they have some serious shortcomings. This is a big misconception! A shy man can be handsome, smart, talented, and rich. It's just that he either thinks that sticking out his dignity is indecent, or has low self-esteem. Very often, men who have strong and domineering parents become shy, who in childhood constantly criticized them and rarely praised them. A wise, understanding and sensitive woman can, with her love and right attitude raise the self-esteem of such a man and help him become more self-confident, thus getting himself a devoted, faithful, affectionate and caring husband.

Often modest and shy men are drawn to women with a bright pronounced features leader and create with them very successful and happy families. And this is not surprising: two strong and powerful people have successful relationships quite rarely, since sooner or later rivalry inevitably arises between them. Painfully jealous women, with a pronounced sense of ownership, it is also desirable to choose husbands from modest ones who do not enjoy such wild popularity with women as self-confident and assertive men, and therefore there will be fewer reasons for jealousy. Only with a modest and shy man can you create guaranteed stable and strong relationship without fear of hordes of dangerous rivals.

Modest people are rarely characterized by narcissism and selfishness, which distinguish many strong, self-confident and self-sufficient men who first love themselves, and then their woman. In addition, modest and shy men really do not like to be in big companies, and therefore they will not exchange communication with their family for fishing, hunting or drinking beer with friends in a bar. It is harder for modest people to start relationships with women than for confident men, but they value these relationships much more. Shy men are generally affectionate, and the more time passes from the day they start a relationship with a woman, the more they are afraid of losing her.

Shy modesty, precisely because of their inherent sensitivity and emotionality, often turn out to be wonderful lovers, subtly feeling their partner and trying to please her. Such men are gentle, affectionate, attentive and always know how to adapt to a woman not only in sex, but also in everyday life. They will never manipulate a woman, cold-bloodedly using her to their advantage. Not to mention the fact that having become accustomed to a woman, having created a family with her and having children in common, a modest and shy man is unlikely to cheat on her with other women and will never exchange her for a more beautiful or younger one.

manandwoman.org

How to deal with a shy man

It is difficult to tie shyness as a personality trait to the classic idea of men. Masculinity is not associated with her, because the stronger sex is a priori ready for decisive actions - to conquer, win, stand out, capture ... But shyness, insecurity in communication and in general in behavior are not so rare for men. What causes it, what does it lead to and how is it eliminated?

Features of shy men

Shyness takes various forms and expressed differently. The same guy is sometimes able to jump into the river to save a kitten, but does not find the strength to go up to the girl and get to know each other ... He works as a lifeguard, takes children out of burning houses, but does not know how to swear in public institutions in response to the arbitrariness of unscrupulous officials ... How does it work? Let's call external signs shyness in men:

"I can't see or hear." It seems that a person is incapable of decisive actions: he is downtrodden, quiet, constrained in his movements. It’s a paradox, but shy men are even more capable of feats than “roosters”, flaunting their brutality, pumped up figure and other dubious “advantages”.
Passivity in communication. Shyness is a quality that makes it difficult for a guy to find an interlocutor and, moreover, a life partner. He gives the initiative to others. He waits to get acquainted with him, and does not make contact first. Important - shy people do not avoid communication, but rather want it. Only the first to decide on a conversation with a stranger (or with not the closest "acquaintance") they are not able to.
Delicacy. A nice feature, but it will be possible to recognize it only in the process of communication. He will not be rude, will not raise sensitive topics (and if he does, he will carefully leave them), he will not be imposed. But he will listen to stories about your problems, sympathize, and will not demand anything in return.
Low self-esteem and anxiety. At least at first it seems so. And the man himself can be sure of this. Often shyness is associated with thoughts of one's own unattractiveness, "inferiority". Therefore, such a person is rarely blessed with high positions, public recognition. And the woman whom he secretly loves for many years will marry another without ever knowing about his feelings.
Stability. It is difficult to say whether this is a good feature or a bad one. She just is. A man does not want to change his life, holding on to what he already has. Any change is painful. He will not look for a better job, he will not dare (most likely) to open his own business ... But look from the other side - such a man will not change, he will not be the first to divorce.
Reflection of actions and feelings. And here is what they talked about at the beginning: the guy in normal conditions timid and clogged, it is difficult for him to communicate with representatives of public institutions (and even with sellers in the store). But in extreme conditions, hitherto dormant resources seem to be launched. Only the opportunity appears rarely, and in everyday life it is not particularly useful.
Vulnerability and sensibility. Another "feminine" feature. The emotions of modest people are deep and persistent. Therefore, it is difficult for them to deceive and hide something from loved one(if such suddenly appears). And another plus - thanks to such features, a shy man can be made a great partner in bed "for himself." He will not be selfish, he will try first of all to please you, and then to himself.

This complete list basic qualities of a shy man. Not all of them appear in a particular representative. And you need to know a person well in order to notice the described qualities. Usually, modesty has to be adjusted, because, as mentioned earlier, in ordinary life from her alone problems. How to do it? First, it would be nice to understand the reasons for the formation of shyness.

How Shyness Occurs

Overcoming shyness is difficult because it does not appear suddenly, but long years strengthens and takes root. What leads to it? The reasons for stable, ingrained shyness are most often the following.

1. Melancholy type of temperament

Unlike character, temperament cannot be changed, since it is determined by the peculiarity of biochemical processes in the body and is finally formed by the age of 12-13 as it develops. nervous system. It is convenient for melancholic people not to stand out, to behave as quietly and discreetly as possible. They are afraid of changing their usual way of life, and even conflicts, swearing and high responsibility are more terrible for them than fire.

It is real to instill social skills in a melancholic. To teach to communicate without apparent embarrassment - too. A man with this type of temperament will always feel uncomfortable in situations where he is required to make a decision, insist on his own, make contact with strangers.

It is important that next to the guy was really strong and active person who can constantly give him a kick and make him move. But do it gently and without pressure, under which the melancholic will only close even more, fence off and make sure of his worthlessness.

2. Overprotection from parents (usually mothers)

Decisiveness is inextricably linked with taking responsibility for oneself. If from childhood the boy is used to the fact that everything is decided for him (although he himself may not want this), shyness and anxiety will become persistent personality traits. It is enough to look at the guy's mother to understand everything: this is usually an authoritarian woman who considers herself right and does not recognize other people's interests, opinions, desires.

Mothers who raise boys solely on the basis of their own ideas about life grow up without initiative, amorphous, quiet guys. It doesn't have to be that way. But, if the manner of education is superimposed on the basis of the same melancholic temperament, this result is inevitable.

As in the previous case, you will have to take the initiative in communicating with a man. In general, he will be waiting for this. It is normal for him from childhood to obey and obey a woman. Here, use...

3. Compensation for harsh and "cold" childhood

Shyness often grows due to the general coldness of the environment in childhood. There are boys who have to grow up like weeds, completely without the support of their parents and loved ones. And one more situation - from an early age, the boy is required to "be a man." He has not yet learned how to cope with his problems, process stresses and experiences, and he is required to “not complain”, “do not cry”, “be independent”.

So, my dear, everything is good in moderation. And to demand from the five-year plan to “wipe the snot” and “give back” is nonsense. Nedomammies usually do not understand that a child does not need a solution to his problems by strangers, but a banal caress, a sense of security, support. Losing an emotional connection, especially with a boy, is very easy. And then there are problems in relationships, isolation, complexes.

The method of therapy is to make up for the love that a man has not received. care, attention, good words- that's what you need. Behind this, self-esteem will tighten up, distrust of others gradually disappears. Not right away, but it will happen.

4. Negative impact of society

Finally, shyness becomes the result of psychological trauma inflicted by peers or other persons in whose environment the man lived or lives. Boys and teenagers are often influenced by strong, aggressive, oppressive personalities. Or just the so-called gopniks. When normal person long stay in hostile environment, he becomes clogged, anxious, indecisive, incredulous. Shyness and shyness are natural consequences.

It will be possible to cope with the result of psychological trauma through the creation safe environment. The guy will have to get used to the fact that not all people are badly disposed towards him. That he is interesting to the majority, that the majority is not going to put pressure on him, humiliate him, threaten him.

Approach to a shy man

Each situation, as shown above, requires its own approach and methods of correction. There are also common ways interaction with a guy who is not used to being decisive. What recommendations are most useful and effective in all cases?

Honesty, trust, honesty. Shy people cannot be fooled. Spin by own will- unforgivable meanness, although it is very simple. A man will get rid of indecision and modesty if he feels that you can be trusted. It will probably take a long time to gain confidence in him. But the result is definitely worth the effort.
Positive interaction. Shy people don't take criticism well. The more they are criticized, the more they close themselves, sink into a cocoon weaved with their own hands, thicken the brick wall... Take whatever comparisons you want. The essence is the same: encouragement, praise, constructive interaction and mutual assistance are useful. Ridicule, insults, depreciation of his actions are harmful.
If banter, then only kind. There are people who do not see the shores when joking. Wit is not always good. The angrier and more accurate the joke, the greater the gulf between the man and you will eventually be. So, know when it is better to remain silent and not let go of taunts at his expense.
Take the initiative. In many cases, you will have to take responsibility for yourself. shy guy talks for a long time before starting a conversation. Needless to say about the beginning of a serious relationship, wedding, entertainment, travel. Decide for yourself - and he will be grateful. Of course, you still have to make the final decision together. But you will have to act as the initiator.
Introduce new things gradually. As we found out earlier, a man with pronounced shyness does not easily tolerate changes. If you want to change something, do it slowly.

Let's look at the example of moving to another city.

Start by talking about what picturesque streets there are, what cheap real estate, how many peaceful beautiful parks, what kind people, high salaries.
Move on to visualization - show photos (unobtrusively slip photos of friends who live or have visited that city) offered for sale or rent of an apartment. Or maybe his favorite musical group right from there? Then remind him how often this team performs there.
Take a road trip together. For a few days so far. "Just visit." Choose in advance the places where the man will like it. Let him have only positive impressions.
Drive wedges to the crossing. Cautious, gentle, unobtrusive. When the guy already knows what this city is like, how good and calm it is, he will transfer this idea with less complications.

A similar scenario applies to any event. If you want to “add” new friends (your own) to a joint vacation, everything is done about the same. If you want to have a baby, repeat the algorithm. A man must get used to the upcoming changes, then he will endure the event itself not so painfully. And most importantly - decide on an act, overcoming the ever-interfering shyness.

mistresslife.ru

Tired of being indecisive. Confession of a "mattress man" | Psychological trainings and courses on-line. System-Vector Psychology

In the last year, the girl herself began to show attention to me. Or did it seem? Six months passed, the guys could not stand it, they began to suggest: “Well, she likes you. What are you slowing down?!” Well, they taught me how and what to say, plucked up the courage, somehow called and invited me to take a walk. It's easier to spin there. I don’t know what I would do myself if I hadn’t been pushed - I feel I would never have known what “it” is until the end of my life ...

All my life I've been haunted by self-doubt. Take, for example, the problem of entering an institute - which one to enter, which specialty? Thank God, my parents decided that I would follow in their footsteps and helped to submit documents to a technical university - one less problem of choice.

Then came college life. Everyone around is already adults, guys meet girls, meet, walk. And I'm not only dating, I can't even get to know each other! Hands get cold, words get stuck in my throat. Maybe it's not just fate? You just have to be patient and it will work itself out.

In the last year, the girl herself began to show attention to me. Or did it seem? Six months passed, the guys could not stand it, they began to suggest: “Well, she likes you. What are you slowing down?!” Well, they taught me how and what to say, plucked up the courage, somehow called and invited me to take a walk. It's easier to spin there. I don’t know what I would do myself if I hadn’t been pushed - I feel I wouldn’t have known what “it” is until the end of my life.

The institute is over - it's time to work. The bulk of the guys have already decided in advance on the place to start their careers. And I, as usual, go with the flow. “Hey, come with me to production! You need a partner there." Well, let's go, let's go. I don't care where, but it's more fun together.

At work, always praised for diligence. I arrive on time, if necessary, I linger. True, not because I like the work, but it just happened like that even before me in the team - and I'm like everyone else. And although he worked well, everything somehow did not work out with the promotion. Once, the boss, having drunk at the holiday, let slip that he would have been promoted long ago, but “you are playing painfully, completely lacking initiative.” What am I? I, like everyone else, do not stick out.

So he lived half his life - he always went with the flow, did not have his own opinion. And if he had, then he would not have been able to defend. With women, it worked only when they themselves took the initiative. And all as one were angry at my softness. How many reproaches had to endure, and do not count. And each said the same thing: “What are you, if not a man?”

You could reassure yourself, they say, not everyone is confident always and everywhere. However, in everyday life there is always one problem - choice. What color suit to buy - brown or gray? How to choose between sneakers or boots, if you only have money for one pair? Go out with friends for a beer or stay at home with your wife? And no matter what I choose, I always regret that I chose the wrong one. So I live on the sly - neither fish nor meat. "Tuff", in a word.

If only I could understand where this eternal indecision comes from in me. Is there any way to get rid of it?

What is a "vector" and how does it affect a person's life?

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan tells us that the problem of uncertainty can be overcome. The main thing is to figure out what caused it. The fact is that the problem of indecision may not arise for everyone, but only for people with special properties of the psyche.

In any person from his very birth, certain "vectors" are laid down. A vector is a set of innate desires and properties of a person, his aspirations, character traits. It is the vector that determines the direction of our thoughts, our priorities and even the type of sexuality. People with different vectors are not alike and manifest themselves in life in completely different ways.

In our story, we see a vivid example from the life of a man with an anal vector. These wonderful people naturally have a good memory, attention to detail and perseverance. In general, everything that makes a person a true professional, a master of his craft. This is usually referred to as “golden hands” or “golden head”. In addition, the highest value for the bearer of the anal vector is the family. A man with an anal vector is best son and father faithful husband.

But not always all our properties get the development they need. In our history, this is exactly what happened when a man with an anal vector grew pathologically indecisive. He is not able to make a choice, independently make any, even the most insignificant decision in his life. Naturally, the life of such a person is full of disappointments. Who needs an uninitiated worker, a weak-willed husband and, in general, a man completely spread with jelly?

The reason for this behavior of a healthy and healthy-looking man lies in his childhood.

The best mom in the world

In childhood, we are completely dependent on our parents - they feed, clothe us, give us a roof over our heads, educate and protect us. However, a child with an anal vector has a special bond with his mother. Slow and indecisive by nature, he always expects a light push from his mother in the form of praise and approval to start action.

When a mother praises adequately and to the point, encourages the independence of the child, he begins to feel confident in his abilities, gradually learns to start things himself and be responsible for them. Over time, such a model of behavior is fixed in the child, and he becomes a healthy member of society - an adult and responsible, self-confident person.

However, there is a danger that the mother of such a golden and obedient baby will overprotect her child. This usually happens if the mother herself has an anal vector in combination with a visual one. Such a woman in potential - perfect wife the most loving and caring mother in the world. But if she completely abandons work and immerses herself in the family, then there is a risk of "hyper-custody" over the child.

In this case, the mother sells the entire stock of her internal energy not at work, but “takes it out” on the child. Unfortunately, this can be too much for one small person.

The Secret of Pathological Indecision

under-implemented in social life a woman with anal and visual vectors concentrates completely on her child. She constantly has a fear that something will happen to him: he will fall off the swing, break his head, get hit by a car, and so on. Her brain paints pictures in her head, one scarier than the other. All this forces the mother not to leave the child a single step.

Here he is trying to climb onto the swing - she supports him with her hand. Here he wants to move down the hill - it's impossible! You can break. Here he begins to drag sand in a bucket - mom pulls the bucket out of her hands, she suddenly overstrains! A strange boy hit her son with a scoop?! There is nothing for him to play with children, he will be safer at home! Such a mother simply strangles him in her arms excessive care.

The first experience of behavior is formed in the anal child, which will remain in the adult for the rest of his life: “I can’t do anything on my own. Mom knows better than me what and how. Moreover, the mother deprives the child not only of self-confidence, but also of such skills as responsibility, the ability to interact in a group of peers, the understanding that you first need to work and only then have fun.

In most cases, such a mother acts from the best of intentions. She sincerely believes that she is protecting the child from real dangers in order to raise him as happy and healthy as possible. Unfortunately, she is wrong.

Adult life in the shackles of indecision

A healthy two-meter uncle weighing under a hundred kilograms only looks like an adult. Inside, this is the same child who, in fact, was “taken away” from the opportunity to grow up independently. Make your own mistakes, gain experience in communicating with peers, focusing on adequate praise from your mother, become more responsible and mature. And, of course, decisive.

The internal inability to start an action or make a choice has an extremely negative impact on a person's life. He is not only eternally indecisive and floats through life, carried away, like a current, by the opinion of stronger and more self-confident colleagues, spouses, parents. He is also not able to start any action without outside help - after all, in childhood, his mother always came to his aid.

By nature, the owner of the anal vector is more comfortable and comfortable in the past: he often gives in to innovations and changes, not wanting to leave his comfort zone. From here, both unwillingness to start and indecision may appear. It is easier for him when in his actions he relies on what is confirmed by experience, on what is described in time-tested instructions, on the opinion of authoritative people respected by him, who will push, prompt, guide, make a choice for him.

When the properties of the anal vector have been developed and implemented, then an adult is able to adapt changes, make decisions independently and move forward without looking back at someone else's opinion.

How to stop bullying and start living

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains that constant indecision is not a sentence. You can get rid of it by regaining the confidence inherent in a real man. To do this, it is enough to look at yourself with different eyes, understand your desires, realize your strengths. The mere understanding of one's essence, one's innate abilities opens up new possibilities, gives a feeling of "Yes, I can" instead of "I'm not sure."

But the most important thing that gives an understanding of the vector features of a person is the opportunity to rethink the events of the past. After all, what are our memories? This feeling: "I was hurt, offended or scared ...". These feelings we carry into adulthood.

And when is it possible to see and truly understand all the desires that drive people, all their inner motives, behavior and thinking?

Then the unconscious reasons for any actions, words, relationships with parents and specifically with the mother will be deeply realized and revealed in a new way. It will be possible to build a causal relationship according to the type: “I became indecisive because ...”, pulling out those facts of my own biography that brought undesirable “interference” into adulthood.

A person who realizes this feels freed from the chains of pathological indecision and other people's opinions. Starts to live new full life where he is able to express himself the way he wants it. Re-feels the ability to take the first step, take responsibility for his life and his decisions, and feels confident in his choice.

Here are just a few testimonials from people who have been trained and overcome their insecurities:

Any person is able to get such a result for himself. Take the first step on free online lectures on System-Vector Psychology Yuri Burlan. Register at the link: https://www.yburlan.ru/training

The article was written based on the materials of the training in System-Vector Psychology

www.yburlan.ru

How to recognize an insecure man?

Relations between a man and a woman are always full of contradictions and mysteries. Subconsciously, girls want to find a stronger partner who will protect them from life's adversities and become the real head of the family. Today, however, young people are in no hurry to take responsibility. Many are afraid of serious relationships and avoid marriage. They do not feel support within themselves and are constantly in search of a non-existent ideal.

Signs of insecurity in men

Such an irresponsible position in psychology is called "infantilism." This phenomenon is based on low self-esteem and fear of failure. A person does not find application for his own merits and convinces himself of his worthlessness. He does not want to cope with difficulties, shifting the decision to those who are nearby. Especially clearly infantilism in men is manifested in relation to women. You can suspect that a new acquaintance lingered in childhood by the following signs:

The guy justifies himself and harshly criticizes others. He believes that others or a combination of circumstances are to blame for all the troubles.
If next to him is weak girl with a gentle character, then such a young man begins to assert himself at her expense. Caustic remarks about the peculiarities of her appearance, narrow mind or character traits sometimes bring his girlfriend to tears.
An infantile man loves to make plans and make promises, but they never come true. Empty fantasizing increases his self-esteem, but takes his thoughts even further away from reality.
Having met a strong-willed woman who has taken place in the profession and surpasses him in many ways, the man takes on the role of a follower and begins to please a new passion.
The guy believes that he is unattractive to girls and uninteresting to them. Any young lady is able to win his favor with minimal signs of sympathy. However, in the future, their relationship cannot be called cloudless.

After a while, unsure self-importance the young man begins to rush about and look for new confirmation of his merits. A man constantly tests how capable he is of captivating women. One girlfriend will never be enough for him, as he quickly gets used to the dose of love and attention that she gives him, and wants to experience stronger sensations. This regularly pushes immature guys into the arms of new girls.

How can a woman deal with a man's infantilism?

Very often, such representatives of the stronger sex suffer different kind dependencies. Infantilism affects the volitional sphere of the personality and leads a person to drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling and other pathological hobbies. These men are not capable of resisting the strongest thrust.

If we are talking about such extreme manifestations of infantility, the only thing a woman can do is to advise the patient to undergo treatment for drug addiction or other addictions in a specialized center. The rehabilitation program necessarily includes work with a psychotherapist, which helps an immature person grow up and gain self-confidence.

If a young man simply refuses to make decisions on his own and earn money by doing male role in a family, then the couple can be recommended to undergo family therapy. Such a state of mind is quite amenable to correction. Harmony and mutual understanding will certainly reign in relations if you take this problem seriously.

cleardays.com

If a man is shy | Relationship psychology

Why is a man shy in front of a woman?

At school age, almost everyone hides the feelings that arise in relation to a particular classmate or neighbor.

This is repeated more than once or twice, and over time, this secrecy becomes a habit.

It is noticed that men in general, noticeably shyer than women.

However, it's not just shyness. Insecurity and fear are also usually present.

What are the reasons for the embarrassment of a man in front of a woman?

Shyness manifests itself far in childhood, from the moment boys begin to be interested in girls, but they are embarrassed to offer to take their sympathy home. Shyness and shyness are synonymous. If a man behaves shyly in the presence of a woman, this can tell her a lot. More often, these are love feelings in a man, nascent or already established, but not fear of the opposite sex.

Additional signs are rosy cheeks, hiding eyes, then you can almost definitely say that he is in love. It is always noticeable, and a woman will never lose sight of it, except when she herself is embarrassed by his presence and averts her eyes. However, if she nevertheless analyzes his gestures and facial expressions, everything will become clear to her.

Another reason is fear. What are men afraid of? women's company, he seems to be stronger, and there can be no fear. But this is not a fear of physical, but of moral, moral defeat - what if it is not possible to start a relationship, and if she does not love, his attempts will be ignored, but on the contrary will be subjected to contempt. Since ancient times, it has been said that a man-hero-hunter could hardly endure the refusal of a lady, for whose sake he performed his exploits. The consent of the woman was a victory, no less important than in a fight.

This feeling can also be experienced by a hardened heartthrob who is sure that women are crazy about him, and suddenly one of them refuses him. Unfortunately, in such a case, in her direction, even aggression can be directed from him.

Women are stronger in spirit, because, again, from the old days, they have already become accustomed to the fact that a man is able to refuse, act meanly, quit, just leave and leave nothing behind. Men are not used to such defeats and try to provide themselves with reliable ground in advance, on which he is sure that after a declaration of love, he will be convinced of the reciprocity of his feelings.

Even with a good relationship between a man and a particular woman, there is a possibility that she already has a man unknown to him, and after declaring her love, she will offer him to remain friends forever, or even worse, laugh merrily and expose others to ridicule. This is the fear of a man in preparation for a declaration of love.

One more important reason the secrecy of a man, when he tries not to show his feelings, is the uncertainty in his feelings, and in the correctness of the choice. In this case, it is much harder to take the initiative and confess your love first. He is afraid to be insincere and then there will be a difficult choice between sincerity and secrecy. And this uncertainty can provoke a woman's rejection of close relationships.

At the same time, uncertainty often gives rise not to inexperience, but, on the contrary, to life experience. In addition, there is a fear of looking weaker women. It may also affect negative experience many cases of refusal in relationships, which at one time caused a lot of suffering and did not allow a normal life.

Therefore, often a man prefers to hide his feelings until those times when a woman takes the initiative. And why would a woman not show it first?

What kind of men are indecisive

Recently divorced. Such a man might not have healed his injuries yet. Men only outwardly look calm after a divorce, in fact they are very worried about failures in relation to a woman. Some men immediately rush headlong into new novels in order to forget after a divorce. Others may survive for several years. And all the while, they eschew long-term relationships with women. The most interesting thing is that the second type of post-divorce stress experiences is considered the most correct in terms of psychology. That is, a man needs time to recover from the injuries received from a divorce from his ex-wife. Sissy. Mommy's sons often do not want to start a family until old age. They are so attached to the soul of the mother that no woman can compete with her. Marriage or a relationship with a woman for them is a step into adulthood for which they are not ready. Usually they have increased obligations towards their mother, which they themselves come up with. Even if your romance with such a man begins, you will always be alone on holidays, he will try to go on vacation with his mother, and not with you. And besides, you will be constantly attacked by him for not being able to cook, wash and housekeeping as well as his mother. Disinterested man. Sometimes a man’s lack of courage in relation to you only says that he is not interested in you. Not always men can be frank with a woman in this matter. Showing delicacy, they can slightly react to your initiatives and flirt. But as soon as you show more courage, they retreat and can even “send” you extremely harshly. In order not to get into such an ambiguous and unpleasant situation, try to find out what kind of women he likes and see if they are similar to you in appearance or character. To do this, it may be enough just to analyze the ladies with whom he had a long and good relationship before.

With what women indecisive men

Firestarter. Scientists have calculated that the level of stress that a man experiences when a woman refuses is much higher if he is refused by a beautiful woman than if he is refused by a woman of average appearance. This applies to any kind of social status. The more perfect a woman is in some capacity, the more courage men need to approach her. Not only the first beauty, but also the first smart girl or the first rich woman "in the countryside" can scare away most men. That is why it is easier for a man to decide on an affair with your less attractive and successful girlfriend than with you. To stop scaring off men, a woman needs to master such behavioral methods that show that she is not perfect in some way. It makes sense for a beauty to appear in public in a careless way, and it’s not a sin for a smart girl to pretend to be a fool. A rich woman can, naively batting her eyes, ask a man to pay for himself in cafes and cinemas. This will allow him to relax a little and look at you in a completely new way. Lady boss. Men don't like dominant women. Our society is still quite patriarchal, so for the most part, men still like modest, quiet, submissive ladies. If a woman has achieved a high status in her career or society, it can be difficult for her to switch to the role of a poor Cinderella after work. She begins to compete with men for power and the superiority of her own opinion, as a result, they run from her like fire. If you find yourself bossy in relationships with men, learn to tell yourself: "Stop." Know how to be gentle, feminine with a man, and you yourself will not notice how so many of them will appear around you that you can even choose. Feminist. This type of women is even scarier than careerists. They can stay at home and raise children, and promote the ideas of feminism at the level of communication with people. But more often, feminists have a fairly high degree of financial freedom, which they earn themselves or receive along with inheritance or parental support. A man in their understanding is just a male donor who gives sperm to conceive a child. Such a woman can hammer a nail, get money, give birth and raise children herself. Some men like this type of woman: they can relax with them and lie in front of the TV all evening long, lazily listening to her moralizing. Most male feminists avoid like fire. Women who believe that all men are bastards. Women who hate men and do not trust them themselves scare them away with such behavior. They can wait for the prince on a white horse, while sweeping aside all less worthy applicants. High expectations, combined with malevolence, scare men away, and they do the right thing by avoiding such women. After all, such an extremely unfriendly and hostile attitude towards the other sex is a sign of serious psychological problems that can turn any relationship into a real hell. Further...

An indecisive man often becomes the object of ridicule, condemnation and misunderstanding. An indecisive man is not to blame for his indecision. He's just not like most men.

Men suffer from indecision more than women, as the established stereotype prescribes a man to be active, proactive and decisive.

Indecision is the cause of many failures, disappointments and missed opportunities. This feature is more often manifested in relationships with people than in activities. It can manifest itself as a state, or it can become fixed and become a quality of personality. Often, the decisive do not understand and do not accept the indecisive, condemn them and even consider them inferior.

The most common causes of indecision

increased anxiety caused by real life circumstances;
domineering mother or symbiotic (very close, dependent) relationship with mother;
secondary position in the father's family;
experience of failure in a relationship or uncertainty in a relationship;
type of temperament (melancholic or phlegmatic; while people of choleric or sanguine temperament may underestimate them and even consider them not quite adequate);
"Hamlet" type of personality (a person thinks for a long time before acting, it is difficult for him to make a decision, the habit of thinking prevails in behavior, and not the desire for action);
youthful maximalism, not outlived at an older age;
lack of confirmation of one's own importance from other people;
caution or incredulity.

Consequences of self-doubt

unwillingness to take responsibility;
low self-esteem;
fear of being inappropriate;
fear of failure.

All this can lead to other, more serious life problems.

What to do with an indecisive man

An indecisive man is not to blame for his indecision. Realizing this will help you decide to change your attitude towards yourself. And this is the first step towards changing your behavior and building new relationships with people around you.

Accept yourself the way you are. Many women like just such men. Even if someone doesn't like you, you have the right to be yourself.

Practice self-approval. Talk to yourself about your virtues more often, write down all the good things that others say about you.

Be reasonable in the judgments of others. Each of them sees you as he imagines you. In fact, you are not quite like that or not at all like that.

Communicate more often with people who accept you, support you, and believe in you.

Keep a diary of successes, achievements and good deeds, keep it regularly and look into it more often.

Take action. Acquire new skills and abilities, enroll in theater Club, to a confidence training group, go in for sports, do what you are good at. Look for people who understand and accept you. The English say: if you are lucky - continue, if you are not lucky - continue anyway.

Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself, think over the costume, pose, facial expression. Buy yourself small souvenirs and gifts. Treat yourself like a loved one.

Don't be afraid to be different: you don't have to live up to the preconceived notions of others around you. Change. Look for yourself.

Read humorous literature and laugh.

Get into psychology. You will learn a lot about yourself and learn to love yourself.

And most importantly, in order to change yourself, you must want to be different strongly enough. Draw several portraits (verbal or pictorial) of the stages of approaching this other self. Treat yourself as if you already have the desired qualities, note the cases when you manage to match the desired image.

As I explained in my video and article “What to do if a man does not want to get married?” (here), indecision can be situational. IN this case this situation is marriage.

There may be other situations regarding specific people or problems.

For example, a man is indecisive in relation to matters that relate to money, in which money needs to be spent. For example, how to spend your vacation, where to go, which restaurant to go to, etc.

Or a man indecisive in matters that concern him or your parents. For example, how to behave with them, where to invite them, what to tell them, how to tell them, etc.

For example, I had a client whose husband always took the side of his parents, even when they humiliated and insulted her in front of him. In such situations, he always told her something along the lines of “Don’t just pay attention to them and that’s it.” And what she needed was to feel protected from him and not this kind of excuse.

These are all specific situations.

Therefore, ask yourself the question “Specifically in what situations is he indecisive for me?”. And start watching his indecision. This will help you find a connection in his actions and inactions. Topics that cause him inactivity.

Secondly, men, like women, also have psychological and biological cycles. During such cycles, a man may have difficulty making decisions.

It's okay, he's just going through an indecisive cycle in his life. For everyone, such cycles last in different ways, for some they pass in a couple of months, for some they last several years. It all depends on the person, his level of health and psychology.

In addition to these options, there are also situations when a man's character type is indecisive. In this case, if you go against this man, try to “remake” him, then in fact you will go against his natural character.

It's like trying to make an introvert out of an extrovert, or an extrovert out of an introvert.

He will not like it very much, and most likely it will not just be a waste of your time, but will greatly destroy your relationship.

In such cases, you have to accept that he is who he is.

This does not mean that nothing can be changed. In almost any situation, you can improve something, but most likely it will not improve as much as you would like.

And so, as always, everything comes back to you.

What's wrong with him being indecisive?

Most likely, usually, the problem is in your feelings about this all, and not in the man himself.

For example, you feel tired, that you need to make all the decisions, or you feel annoyed that he does not make decisions, or you feel afraid that you will have to spend your life with an indecisive man and everything will fall on your shoulders, or something else.

The problem, in fact, is with you, and not with him, especially if he is just the way he is. Therefore, you need to realize this problem and think about how to solve it in yourself, and not just how to influence him.

But here and good news too, you are not alone in your relationship, you have him, even if he is indecisive. If you have a normally built dialogue with each other, then you can ask him for help and he will try to help you. So, start making decisions and take some things on yourself.

But the accent here will already be different, you are not trying to change him as a person, you just ask him for help, telling him that it’s hard for you because you feel that you make most of the decisions yourself without him.

You ask him for help with your problem, explaining to him that you don’t want to change him, that you accept him the way he is, it’s just hard for you and you ask him for help with your problem.

It's a very different approach than trying to get him to change himself and suddenly become determined.

Watch my video at the top of this article for more examples and variations, and feel free to ask any questions in the comments below.