How to improve relationships with your husband: advice from psychologists. Common female mistakes. I constantly quarrel with my husband over trifles.

Life is a very peculiar thing. In childhood, it seems that the year barely drags on, in adolescence we cease to notice the cycle of events, and in youth we begin to be amazed at how inexorably time carries us towards old age. And the most offensive thing is to realize that you are wasting time on some everyday trifles: quarrels, arguments, pride. And life goes by. Therefore, it is very important to know how to improve relationships with your loved one after a heated quarrel.

The reconciliation process can sometimes be very lengthy. This depends on many factors: gender, character, And the magnitude of a person's offense. Let's look at each of these characteristics separately.

Floor

Men and women have completely different attitudes towards insults. Moreover, a man and a woman can be offended by completely different things. First, let's look at the stronger sex.

Men don't like it when their freedoms are infringed upon too much. No matter what they say, these are men, not cats, who are used to walking on their own. This is why it is very difficult for women to understand hobbies such as fishing or daily trips to the garage.

Another thing that can really hurt a man is an insult to his pride. Any statements or comparisons: “You are henpecked,” “You are not a man,” “You are a weakling,” “Alena’s husband drives a better car,” “And Sergei from work repaired the lock that you couldn’t.” Most relationships between men and each other are built precisely on the spirit of competition. That is why any comparison with another man will be perceived quite painfully. Especially if a girl does it, and especially if he likes this girl.

Improve relationships after a fight

Which occurred due to infringements of freedom quite simply, if not elementary. A woman should simply allow a man to do what he wants, but not to the detriment of herself. That is, if you let your loved one go fishing with friends this weekend, then agree in advance that he will devote the next ones exclusively to you. But immediately after a quarrel, it is best to let the man go.

As for the second, when you insult a man’s pride, then everything is much more complicated. Such resentment can sit deep in a man’s soul. And it may take a long time to smooth it over. And the woman, in turn, must during this time more than once prove to the man the opposite of what she carelessly said before. And even though it seems to her that the man is not listening, in reality this is not the case. He always listens and perceives everything. And gradually he can forget about the old grudge.

As for women, representatives of the fair sex can be offended for almost any reason. Sometimes even if the man has no fault at all. This is how their character is structured. It's just that a real man should get used to such features feminine character and not react to them overly harshly.

There is one wise proverb about this: “If a woman is wrong, a man should come and apologize.” And this is partly true. It is much harder for a woman than for the stronger half of humanity to simply ask for forgiveness. They would rather prove that they are right until the breakup. That is why a man should be the first to reconcile, but should not experience humiliation. He must remember that in most cases the girl herself wants to make peace, but the innate pride that is inherent in all women does not allow her to do this.

Also, women should never be compared with others. Otherwise it will result in a huge scandal. If a man can still silently swallow an insult, and then quietly get angry until everything is forgotten, then the psychology of women is structured differently. All their thoughts and desires are directed outward. However, it will be easier to make peace with a woman. It is enough to prove with your actions (kisses, compliments, hugs, caresses) that she is the best. Naturally supporting all this with words. And pay more attention to her, at least for the next few days after the quarrel, until the first negative impression is forgotten.

How to improve relationships?

Character

All people can be divided into four types: sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric and melancholic. And you will have to establish relationships with each of these types of people in different ways.

Melancholic. One of the most mysterious psychological types. He is in many ways similar to a choleric person in his nervousness and mobility. But if a choleric person carries with him positive energy, then the melancholic person, on the contrary, is negative. A melancholic person gets offended very quickly and even the smallest trouble can drive him into real depression, which will be expressed in screams, hysteria and tears. So we can say that a melancholic person is not to be trifled with. It is better to find a reason to make peace and make amends as soon as possible. An apology and consolation will best help you with this. It will take a long time to console a person. And all because he takes every insult too seriously.

Types of temperament can be determined both by a person’s behavior and by numerous psychological tests. But it is very important, when establishing any relationship, to take into account not only the temperament of your loved one, but also your own. Easiest to find mutual language two sanguine people who are ready to sit down at the negotiating table. Two choleric people will definitely destroy everything around if someone does not meet the other. And so on. It makes no sense to list all possible combinations.

Two more very important facts about temperaments. First of all, they change. That is, in childhood a child can be melancholic, in adolescence he will become choleric, and in his youth he will turn into an ordinary sanguine person. This is not to mention the character changes in middle age.

Secondly, people with pure temperament do not exist. There are no pure sanguine or choleric people. Basically, people combine a little bit of each of these temperaments. It is important to determine the type that is this person prevails. It is he who basically controls the character.

The magnitude of the offense

Any offense has its own dimensions. Conventionally, they can be divided into several categories, which are the same for almost all people:

1. Inconspicuous
2. Regular
3. Serious
4. Irreparable.

“Unnoticed” grievances happen to each of us in life all the time. This is when someone steps on your foot in public transport, when you are treated rudely in a store, and when your loved one accidentally hits you in your sleep. Such grievances usually do not accumulate, but are forgotten very quickly. Mostly it is not even customary to voice them. So we won't pay much attention to this type of grievance.

“Ordinary” grievances are much more serious. Most often they are caused by various disputes, such as what is better to watch: football or a new melodrama. It is clear that one of the parties will be offended in any case. AND The best way The way out of this situation is to find a compromise. Like, let's watch a melodrama today and football tomorrow. The most important thing in this case is that at least one of the parties makes concessions. Otherwise, a “ordinary” offense can develop into a “serious” one.

“Serious” resentment, as mentioned above, mainly grows out of “ordinary” resentment. But there are other cases that were mentioned earlier. For example, if you hurt a man’s pride, he immediately takes great offense at you, even if he doesn’t show it much. And again - the only way Solving such a problem means making concessions. If neither party does this, it could end in a breakup. For this, the offense does not even have to develop into the next category. By the way, most breakups happen precisely because of “serious” grievances.

An “irreparable” offense usually immediately leads to separation. This type of grievance includes betrayal, betrayal, and outright lies. Making peace with the person to whom you have inflicted such an offense will be extremely difficult, if not almost impossible. Moreover, even after reconciliation, such resentment will not disappear anywhere, and will remain between two loving people for the rest of their lives. For example, if a husband cheated on his wife, and then finally reconciled with her, then she will still remember the betrayal to the end. And she will never be able to completely trust her husband again.

And of course, we shouldn’t forget that the same grievances for different people, will be assessed differently. Someone even perceives a trampled foot as a serious insult. And some are able to forgive and forget betrayal.

General principles of good relationships

It is very important to remember the qualities that will help you quickly establish relationships with your loved one, in principle, after any quarrel. You need to learn them, or better yet, print them out and hang them above your bed. Moreover, it is very important that these rules are observed by both parties at once. Then no temporary misunderstandings will interfere with joint happiness.

Mutual respect. Respect the other person as much as you respect yourself. His problems relate to you as much as yours relate to him. He has the same rights as you. You shouldn't have secrets from each other, loving people must trust each other with their deepest secrets.

Understanding. Learn to sit down at the negotiating table with your loved one. Let each partner express what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Solve the problem by talking, not arguing or shouting. Do not interrupt your partner, let him express all his accumulated complaints, even if in your opinion they are stupid and far-fetched. Don’t try to convince a person of something, and if he’s unlucky, don’t reproach him, saying, “I told you so.” On the contrary - support. After all, you love him!

Mutual feelings. The most important thing is that all these conditions are possible only if the partners love each other. Otherwise, no amount of tricks will allow two people to stay together. Neither respect nor understanding will save you from a new quarrel. .

And one more thing - always admit your feelings.

As you can see, the main word in all three rules is reciprocity. Only with reciprocity is maximum harmony achieved in relationships. Mutually means together, together.

Is your relationship on the verge of breaking down, and any attempt to talk ends in a new quarrel? Mutual grievances and reproaches, like a snowball flying from a mountain, capture more and more new facets of your life. Each of the partners, blinded by the words spoken in the skirmish, tries not to remain in debt. So, is divorce the end of happiness, or is there a recipe for how to improve relationships with the man you love?

Most married couples go through a crisis of misunderstanding. It is not always possible to avoid a stormy showdown, but to minimize the risks negative consequences- is quite real.

Regardless of what caused the quarrel, try to maintain your composure. Do not stoop to banal insults and shouting, be on top. If once again the desire to discuss a problem results in a showdown, let the situation go for a while.

Take it as an axiom that the psychology of a man and a woman are two only occasionally coinciding realities. If you do not try to accept that your husband does not want to intentionally offend you, but is simply protecting his ego from attacks, then nothing will work.

Has your always intelligent, smiling spouse turned into a brawler, starting a quarrel on any occasion? It's time to seriously think about how to improve relations with your husband on the verge of breaking up.

Disconnect from emotions, go alone, try to understand the deeper meaning of what is happening. Write down your thoughts on paper. Don't start listing negative qualities men: selfish, does not keep his word, does not help around the house, does not take care of the child. Nothing good will come of this. For some reason you fell in love with him!

When you find a “string”, pulling which you will gradually begin to unwind the tangle of misunderstanding and untangle the knots, everything will go smoothly. At first glance, the task seems impossible.

Psychologists have come up with a method called goal decomposition or “how to eat a whole elephant”? Try to break global problem into many small ones. Find out if everything is fine in the family, considering various aspects - mutual understanding, solving everyday problems, sex, relaxation, relationships with parents, your appearance. Give yourself an honest answer to the questions: are you doing everything right? So as not to wonder in the future how to improve a relationship with a man? Decide whether it is important for you to remain right in everything or the harmony of family relationships?

Under any circumstances, it is important to take responsibility. “If I became the cause of this situation, even if indirectly, then it is in my power to fix it.” Taking the first step is not weakness. It is much easier to blame everyone around you than to admit your own mistakes.

But you are only responsible for your own mistakes. If your spouse unfairly accused you, and you responded with rudeness, what happened is partly your fault. But this only applies to conflicts. Continuous drunkenness, aggression, and domestic violence should not be forgiven. Having raised his hand once, a man will try again.

Repairing relationships after a fight

There are happy people who always remain children. Remember how kids behave after they have been scolded. A couple of minutes of pouting, and again a hundred questions per minute, hugs and laughter. Try to understand how dear this person is to you, and are you ready to accept him for who he is, without cursing and blaming?

Learning to think logically in an emotionally negative state is quite difficult. Often in the daily bustle we forget that next to us is an extraordinary person - smart, talented, funny, a master of surprises. Remember what your first days were like, how your eyes shone when you accepted his advances.

When everything gets better, explain that it’s stupid to waste time on quarrels when you can laugh merrily, walking through life holding hands. In the meantime, suggest not discussing the problem for a while and not finding out who was wrong.

Go visit friends or parents. You don't want to fun company flaunt your problems, and you shouldn’t upset your parents; participating in a general conversation will help you cross the barrier you’ve built. Laugh at his jokes, talk, praise, touch. You have the best husband in the world, and you can come up with thousands of excuses for your loved ones!

How to improve your relationship with your husband after the birth of a child? Try to smile at him more often. Don't tell me you're tired. Ask to be with the baby when you go to the clinic or hairdresser, and leave your husband and beloved child for about four hours, but don’t forget to call and ask if everything is okay? Dad will understand that you have not become cold towards him, but are busy with the most important work in the world.

Establishing long-distance relationships

This is the most difficult problem. After all, at a distance there remains only verbal communication and correspondence, you cannot see the sparkle in your eyes, and a tear rolling down your cheek, you cannot touch and hug. Often quarrels and inability to find a common language lead to a breakup.

It is very difficult to restore the former harmony. How to improve a relationship with a guy at a distance after a quarrel? It’s worth keeping silent for a couple of days, there is a high risk of mutual claims. By sending an SMS “How are you?”, you show concern. You have passed your half way, now your partner’s response move.

Building relationships after cheating

The state of a woman who finds out about the betrayal is understandable. Resentment, pain, anger. Does it make sense to continue the relationship or urgently file for divorce? Take a time out, just be quiet. Don't ask for details, it might hurt even more. Try to figure out why this happened? If you are pregnant or have recently given birth to a baby, your husband simply lacks sex.

Having calmed down a little, ask your spouse a question: what next? If he blames himself and asks for forgiveness, perhaps he should think about how to improve family relationships with his husband? It takes time to get over betrayal.

A common mistake women make is to become self-absorbed and think that there is something wrong with you. Everything is fine, you are smart and beautiful, just a little tired from worries. Your spouse has decided to assert himself in someone else’s bed. In such a desire to catch up, a midlife crisis often manifests itself.

Are you ready to forgive? No one can tell you, only you make the decision. If you decide to forgive your sins, remember one thing - in the future, never remind your spouse of his offense, do not try to keep him “on a short leash” with the help of his feelings of guilt. This is unlikely to help improve relations.

Without harmonious sexual relationships, a family can hardly be called complete. How to force yourself to go to bed with your husband again? It’s also hardly appropriate to rush to the other extreme and try to show yourself as a woman who masterfully masters the secrets of satisfying a man.

Treat cheating as an experience with painful consequences. If the spouse, as they say, went to the left, return to normal condition It will be a little easier for you than when he was in a long-term relationship. Such circumstances have a detrimental effect on the female psyche, and often lead to a breakup.

Building relationships after a breakup

It happens that after a breakup, a woman suddenly realizes that life without her loved one is not a joy, there is emptiness in her soul, the sun doesn’t shine so brightly, the coffee doesn’t have the same aroma, and in the evening she doesn’t want to go out anywhere. Even if after a couple of months you are looking for a meeting, you are bored, pestering mutual friends with questions, then it is worth trying to restore the relationship.

Before taking any action, try to honestly answer the question: was the breakup the logical conclusion of the relationship or was the decision made under the influence of emotions as a result of an argument? After the quarrel, did you cool down and understand that your feelings have not gone away? Take advantage step by step instructions how to get your boyfriend back?

Call. After a breakup, it's not easy to meet face to face. There is a possibility that the reaction may not be what was expected. Write an SMS or dial a familiar number.
If you are greeted warmly, say that you would like to see each other.

Perhaps questions will follow: for what purpose, what do you want, what do you hope for? Let them pass by, everyone when you meet. Further steps depend on who initiated the separation. Were you the first to say the keyword? Then you will have to take the blame and say you are sorry.

Memories - important element any relationship. Remind him of the funniest moments you experienced together, this always evokes warm feelings. Did the guy offer to meet again? So you're on on the right track. Charm, don't be shy to talk about feelings, laugh, and everything will work out.

• Aries are very patient and good-natured by nature. A partner’s mistakes are usually easily forgiven and forgotten forever.
• Taurus are touchy and stubborn. Even if a man continues to love his partner, it can be difficult to restore former trust after a quarrel.
• An attempt to return Gemini will meet with decisive resistance bordering on hatred. With your words you have caused a mental wound and there is nothing to talk about with you. We have to wait. The guy will cool down and speak on his own.
• Cancer should be handled carefully, like a fragile glass vase. You will have to work hard to earn trust again.
• Leos are demanding of themselves and their partners. A man will rush to help if you need it, but return to past relationships will not rush.
• Virgos strive for perfection in everything. If your partner is not happy with something about you, you will have to work on yourself.
• Libras do not make unnecessary movements; they are always ready to listen before making an informed decision.
• Scorpios are impulsive. They are ready to take apart a casually thrown phrase and accuse you of causing universal offense. It’s worth waiting a little, trying to explain that there was no secret intent, and soon everything will work out.
• To quarrel with a Sagittarius, you need to try hard. He is always sympathetic to someone else's point of view. Sagittarius's cup of patience is enormous, but if the last drop has fallen into it, he leaves, burning bridges.
• Capricorns rarely step back and resolutely break off relationships without giving a second chance.
• Aquarius is a very difficult and capricious sign. He accepts care and attention, but is in no hurry to reciprocate, although he knows in advance how everything will end.
• The best strategy in relationships with Pisces is to let go of the situation, but stay close. They don't tolerate any pressure.

Common female mistakes

If you want to improve your relationship, then the first thing you need to do is understand, forgive, accept. On the path to happiness, do not repeat the mistakes of others.

• Learn to forgive.
• Admit your mistakes, don’t blame your spouse for everything.
• Take criticism.
• Be more positive, try to see the good in everything.
• Let everyone be themselves. Do not try to correct or improve anyone at your own discretion.
• Be sincere.
• Learn diplomacy.
• Never, even in the heat of a quarrel, insult your partner.
• Your husband offended you, don’t you want to talk? And it is not necessary. But wish good morning or saying hello in the evening when you come home from work is necessary.
• Criticize not the person, but the action.

And most importantly, don’t forget to talk about your love!

In everyone's life married couple There is a period when quarrels arise for no reason, conflicts out of the blue. Moreover, such a period can occur both in the lives of newlyweds and spouses who have lived together for decades. If a point of reconciliation is not found in time and mutual understanding is not reached, the family may fall apart. After all, it is impossible to live in a depressing atmosphere where there is no love and warmth. And, since women are by nature more emotional and receptive, they are the ones who are deeply worried about problems in the family and are looking for ways to improve their relationship with their own husband.

Impossible to fix family relationships without understanding the reasons for their discord. Knowing exactly why the relationship with your husband deteriorated, you can find the origins of the conflict, if necessary, change something in yourself. As they say, you need to know the enemy by sight, then it is easier to fight him. Most often it occurs between spouses for the following reasons:

1. Age characteristics. Every age has ambitions and demands. The newlyweds want to conquer the world, but the family gets in the way of achieving their goals. Spouses begin to blame each other for failures. Mature couples are in a hurry to live. Therefore, husbands have young mistresses, as if trying to stop youth.
2. Difference in social status. This problem arises when a woman succeeds in her career and is financially more secure than her husband. A man cannot feel like the main one in the family, or be self-sufficient. The situation is aggravated by women's accusations of financial insolvency.
3. Dissatisfaction with each other, the desire to change your half. After the wedding, both husband and wife realize that their halves are not ideal, as they previously thought. Everyone makes demands on each other, resulting in resentment, irritation and disappointment. At the same time, none of the partners admits their imperfections.
4. Desire for complete control, jealousy. One of the spouses constantly monitors the other, checks the phone, reads email. This is perceived as disrespect and mistrust.
5. Problems in sex life. The passion subsides and intimate life becomes boring and monotonous. Sex becomes a marital duty, which pushes one of the spouses to cheat. Infidelity also causes quarrels and conflicts.

Secrets that will help you get rid of family problems

Whatever the reason for the loss of mutual understanding, if the husband and wife are still together, then there is a chance to preserve the relationship. It’s just that one of the spouses must make concessions, even if he is right a thousand times. And the wife must do this, since she is the keeper of the hearth, the personification of peace, love, warmth and comfort in the house. No matter how much you want to remain proud and maintain your position, you can step over yourself in order to maintain peace in the family. A man without clear formulations is not able to understand the essence of the problem; often he simply does not understand why the quarrel arose. This male nature, which you need to come to terms with and conquer with cunning and affection, but in no case with claims and conditions. It is possible to restore your relationship with your husband by following several rules:

• You can't turn on ignore. Women, offended by their husbands, stop talking to him. This shows how much they don't care about his opinion. You need to talk to your spouse and sort things out.
• You need to be able to remain silent. In the midst of a quarrel, when mutual reproaches and complaints flow, it is important to be able to stop in time. At this moment I want to express everything, and it seems that this will make it easier. It is better to remain silent and resume the conversation when both spouses have cooled down.
• During a showdown, you need to restrain yourself. Remind yourself mentally that you cannot shout, insult, or cry.
• You need to be able to listen and hear. It is possible that you are the cause of the conflict, but your husband cannot convey his complaints because of your pride and unwillingness to listen.
• If you cannot reach a compromise, you need to try to let go of the situation for a while.
• Learn to forgive and apologize. Today this problem seems global, but after a while you will understand what trifles can have a destructive effect on relationships. Ask for forgiveness for your actions.

How to prevent family quarrels and conflicts

Misunderstandings and conflicts do not arise out of the blue. In order for there to be peace and harmony in the family all the time, this atmosphere in the house must be created every day, even if you are dissatisfied with something.

• Communicate with each other not only in everyday matters. There must be common interests.
• There is no need to demand anything from your husband, much less nag him every day. Over time, you will see how your husband will change, he will give you twice as much.
• There is no need to re-educate your husband. He's an adult independent man with your own interests, principles and life position. If we are not talking about alcoholism and violence, then all other minor shortcomings can be accepted and learned to live with them.
• You need to feel gratitude. For his actions, for the fact that he is the head of your family, for the fact that he tries for you and the children.
• Your husband needs to be inspired. If he has achieved something, even if it is not such a significant achievement, his wife’s support is important to him. Remember that behind the big names of great commanders, scientists and creative personalities there are modest, unknown, but wise and loving women.

What to do if the passion has passed?

Problems in family life arise automatically as soon as discord comes to the family. A normal intimate life is possible if there are no insults or irritations. Good sex able to distract from all problems, reconcile after quarrels and resolve conflicts. Therefore, if there is no passion between spouses, this is fraught with discord in their relationship.

What's happened a happy family, know those couples who have gone through a lot of problems, conflicts, experienced a lack of mutual understanding, and distrust of each other. We passed, but we made it through. In such a family, everyone is happy - parents, children, relatives. And only members of such a family know that happiness is achieved through constant struggle for their love, self-improvement and self-sacrifice.

Of course, it will no longer be possible to return those feelings that were experienced at the very beginning of the relationship. But adding a touch of novelty is necessary so that your spouse has sexual interest in you and does not look elsewhere. You can return with your spouse under the following conditions:

• Pay constant attention to your appearance. The husband is used to seeing his wife unkempt, in a robe, without makeup. Of course, it is impossible to stand at the stove or washing machine V evening dress, but you need to give up robes and scarves. Daily light makeup will add attractiveness. Must be purchased sexy lingerie and negligees.
• Needed ongoing care behind you. Beauty criteria are different for every man: some like thin girls, others prefer ladies with a body. One thing remains the same: clean silky hair, smooth skin, nice smell– this is something that will not leave any man indifferent.
• The decor in the bedroom should evoke sexual attitude. Minimum light and decorative elements, bright hues, pleasant bed sheets made of silk or satin - in such a bedroom you will want not to sleep, but to make love.
• We need to spend time together. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a trip to the seaside or to the country, the main thing is that you and your spouse should be alone. Children need to be sent to their grandmothers, turn off their phones and enjoy each other. You need to have a weekend like this at least occasionally.

• Variety in sex. A man does not cease to be one both at 20 and at 50. It is foolish to think that after time, a husband no longer needs a variety of sex. Making love will not be as frequent as in the old days, but you need to surprise and seduce your husband every time. You can diversify your sex life different ways: arrange role-playing games, experiment with poses, prepare romantic dinner, buy several toys in a sex shop, perform lap dances. There is no need to be afraid of appearing promiscuous. A man will love that his woman changes for him. After such experiments, he will not look for entertainment on the side.
• And the most important thing is to take care of each other. How do the average couples spend their evenings? The spouses come home from work, have dinner, and each goes about their business: she takes care of the children, he sits in front of the TV, before going to bed, everyone is on their laptop or phone, then they turn their backs to each other and go to sleep. These habits do not serve to strengthen the family. A family needs traditions of going to the park, cinema, theater every evening, having fun at home with the children, playing sports together - you can find a lot of activities, the main thing is that it will unite all family members.

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To your spouse, as well as care and attention. It’s not without reason that almost all lovers hold hands; this is a kind of gesture of tenderness and participation.

Do not isolate yourself under any circumstances and by all means maintain communication with. Not only speak yourself, but also listen carefully to your partner. Discuss everything, not just happy and important events and everyday issues, but that’s all controversial issues. There is no need to hoard everything inside; share what worries you, but be prepared to listen to your husband’s complaints in return. During such confidential and frank conversations they come to a compromise.

Sex life is a very important point, make every effort to improve it. Try to avoid routine in intimate relationships, experiment, learn about secret sexual desires husband and implement them.

Respect each other's personal space, because besides each of you, you have your own friends and interests. Let your husband go fishing or go with friends to a sports match, and you can devote this time to your hobby or meet in a cafe. No total control!

Notice all your spouse's achievements, even small ones, and encourage any efforts of your partner that please you. But compliments must be sincere, only then will your husband “grow wings behind his back.” Sincere attention to the successes of the spouse further stimulates him to new achievements and victories.

Give each other nice little things and write little love notes, it’s very . Determine one day a week when it will be just the two of you, make full use of this time: take a walk, go to the cinema or to a restaurant, have a picnic in nature, make love, and communicate, communicate, communicate. Days like these bring spouses closer together and strengthen the marriage.

From year to year married life You realize more and more clearly that your husband turned out to be anything but a prince on a white horse. A similar situation occurs in almost every family. Most often this is due to domestic problems, different characters, dissatisfaction in sexual life. happy together life not easy to build. Therefore, every woman eventually asks the question - how to improve relationships with husband.

Instructions

Look at yourself from the outside. Previously, you were always attractive, and many people looked at you. What has become of you now? You're too lazy to put on makeup; you can easily do it from home. tracksuit, your favorite hairstyle has become a simple ponytail. Who would enjoy looking at this picture day after day? Get up early in the morning and get yourself in order first thing. A man who is proud of his life will not notice unwashed floors, under-salted soup and will not look at others.

Sit down in a calm environment, take a piece of paper and a pen and write down what you like about your husband and what you don’t. So you will understand from what moment your idyll began to turn into a nightmare. Surely the column with good qualities significantly outweigh the opposite. After all, when your relationship was just beginning, there were automatically reasonable explanations for all the shortcomings of your loved one. And now you need to at least step into your partner’s shoes and try to understand why he acts this way and not otherwise.

Greetings to all! Today I want to tell you how to improve relationships with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article was, which was supported by my readers.

I asked them to email me about their relationship problems and based on their responses, I have tried to present the most common relationship problems among couples in this article. I also based myself on my past life mistakes with my wife. From these mistakes I drew conclusions, which I will gladly share in these rules.

Rule 1 - Take responsibility

We have all heard a lot about how important it is to be able to accept responsibility in a relationship. And what catastrophes lead to the fact that partners begin to shift the blame for their actions and words onto another person or blame circumstances for everything.

But for me, accepting responsibility means not only openly admitting your guilt, but, most importantly, it means being ready to correct what happened due to your fault. People who blame their partner or someone else for their troubles, but not themselves, simply capitulate to difficulties and give up. “It’s not my fault, so I can’t do anything about it!”

But taking responsibility means coming to the conclusion: “Yes, this happened because of me, which means I can influence it!”

I understand how difficult it can be to admit to your partner that you made a mistake, that you could have done better than you did. And it is most difficult to do this in those moments when your pride is hurt. But if you don’t do this, then you will turn away from the problem and it will remain hanging, unresolved, in the space of your relationship.

It subconsciously seems to you that by admitting mistakes, you are demonstrating weakness. But in fact, by accepting responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it is much easier to blame someone else than to admit your mistake! Desire to point out real reasons problems and correcting them, even if you created these reasons - a sign of true courage and wisdom.

Where does your responsibility in a relationship begin and end? I believe that it extends much further than many of you are accustomed to think. You are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your reaction to events.

If your wife infuriated you with her unfair accusation, and you offended her in return, then not only your spouse is to blame for starting to unfairly accuse you, but also you. Your responsibility lies in the fact that you could not control yourself and led to a scandal, although you could have solved the problem more calmly. You are a free person and you are responsible for your reaction, no one can force you to get angry, irritated and lose your temper. You are the only one who loses your temper.

If your husband doesn’t want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think about it: maybe you pressed him too hard, blamed him, instead of being understanding and offering a way out of the problem?

But taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself for everything. This means coming to realize how much you and your partner can be involved in solving the problem, rather than turning your back on it. In the examples above, both partners are responsible for the problem. And believe me, if you take on part of your responsibility, rather than completely shifting it onto your partner, then it will be much easier for your partner to realize his own participation in the problem.

Agree, there is a big difference between:

“I’m so tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You can’t live without your claims!”

“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I shouldn’t have shouted at you and provoked a conflict. Your accusations are probably not without foundation, but you express them in a very aggressive manner, and it seems to me that they are partly unfair. Let's figure this out. I don’t need to shout, and you need to learn to express your opinion calmly.”

I'm not saying that both spouses are to blame for every conflict. What I'm trying to say is how important it is to solve every problem in a family together! After all, relationships are not only about you, they are also about the other person. And if both partners do not accept in the relationship active participation, then such a relationship will collapse.

And if you and your partner cannot share responsibility for the conflict, then use good rule. Instead of arguing about who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself: “What can I personally do to improve the situation?” Believe me, if each of the partners is guided by this simple principle, then developing your relationships and finding a way out of problematic situations will become much easier.

Rule 2 - Don't leave conflicts unattended

I know how much I want to hug after the heat of a quarrel has passed, give my tense nerves a rest and calmly forget about what the conflict was about until the next similar one happens. Don't make this common mistake in your relationship! Yes, give yourself time, calm down, make peace, but then return to analyzing the causes of the conflict. Why did it happen? Who is responsible for it? How can you and your spouse solve this problem?

But don't get attached to the temporary excitement caused by the truce. Now you want to act, but soon your fervor will pass. So as not to give up and return to ignoring the problem. Discuss, as specifically as possible, each other's actions aimed at eliminating the conflict. When will you begin these actions? What will these actions be? Which approximate dates overcoming the problem you see?

If one of you constantly loses your temper and becomes overly emotional, start doing practices that help you balance your emotions, such as yoga or.

If conflicts arise due to bad habits spouse, then find a way to help the person get rid of these habits. But let those who struggle with addiction not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and willingness to provide any support from his partner.

Don't focus only on what you know. If you don’t know a way to solve your problem, this does not mean that such a method does not exist. If you really want to overcome some difficulty, you will find how to do it. Because he who seeks will always find! And all the obstacles are created only by laziness.

Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other, and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next quarrel.

Rule 3 - Be less offended and forgive

Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: “look how bad you did, so I won’t talk to you”. Or this could be a way of revenge: “Because you did this, I will be offended by you”. The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget what the conflict was about. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that with our resentment we have already solved the problem. Or we showed our partner how offended we were, and now we think that he himself will understand everything and correct himself. Or we have endured a “preventive” period of no communication with each other, during which, as it seems to us, our relationship has restored itself and can continue further.

But this is a deceptive feeling, and it can happen not only to you, but also to your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already been resolved.

But it is always better to return to the causes of the conflict, as I said in the previous paragraph. If you want to influence your partner, it is always better to do this in the form of a calm, constructive dialogue rather than resentment. Well, revenge certainly won’t make your relationship better.

Some people are also offended because they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, they understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not say anything about it is just right! Avoid such games! At all Avoid any methods of manipulating your partner’s feelings, one of which is resentment.

But even if you are offended, then know how to forgive!

Rule 4 - Admit your guilt

It can be very important for your partner that you admit your guilt and are sincerely repentant. Even after the conflict has exhausted itself and you have made peace, do not be lazy to apologize, say how sorry you are if you feel your own mistake. Forget that before this you defended yourself with ardor and did not want to admit responsibility, step over your pride and say that you were wrong. But just do it with with a pure heart and sincere intentions!

There is no need to do it as a favor or present it as a generous and noble act in the expectation that your partner will immediately fall on his face before your repentance. Be prepared that your apology may be met coldly and without enthusiasm. You should not react to this as if your noble gesture was not appreciated. Believe me time will pass, and your repentance will fall like hard cash into the treasury of your relationship!

Rule 5 - Listen to others, learn to take criticism soberly

In the midst of a conflict, when partners exchange accusations and claims, no one actually listens to anyone. Each of the parties to the conflict is in a state of attack or defense, but not of perception and understanding. Our psyche is structured in such a way that we first of all try to defend ourselves from criticism, find contradictions in it, find the most convincing refutation, or respond to it with counter-criticism. The problem is that we don’t always think about how it really is, we don’t see the truth, obeying the ancient psychic mechanism. And we think that since it seems to us that we are right, it means that we are really right.

Try to change these habitual patterns and instead of immediately looking for another counterargument in a quarrel, think about how valid the criticism addressed to you is? Try to distract yourself from your resentment and irritation. Don't let your wounded Ego run ahead of you like a man stung by a bee.

The Ego stung by criticism makes you think: “I feel like I was wronged, I have to respond.” It prevents you from looking at the problem from another person's perspective. But if we first try to imagine how the other person sees everything, then we will become much more objective and understand our partner better, therefore, we will not react so sharply to criticism and perceive it more soberly.

Just take a time out, calm your emotions, silence the wounded pride that again and again brings you back to the grievances of your “I”. And calmly concentrate on your partner, try to mentally move into him. How does he see the situation in the context of what you know about him and your relationship history? Why is he criticizing you? What reasons does he have for this? How does he react to some of your actions, how does he feel? Does he himself allow such actions towards you? How would you feel if you were treated like this?

During this mental exercise, your Ego will, like a magnet, attract your thoughts back to itself, to the “I” position, as soon as you notice this, smoothly shift your attention to the “HE-SHE (She feels, she wants)” position. When you try this, you will understand that it is not at all easy to go beyond your Self, your desires and put yourself in the place of another person. But everything comes with experience and you can learn over time to change your egocentric perception of everything.

I can’t say that this exercise will necessarily lead you to see only your fault for what happened. No, you will simply begin to understand your partner better and perceive criticism more soberly.

Also ask yourself: How can criticism help you? Yes, exactly to help. Listening to criticism means not perceiving it as a way to undermine your dignity or lower your self-esteem. This is an opportunity to gain insight into your shortcomings, weaknesses, or understand how your partner perceives you.

Imagine that you came to see a doctor for an examination and he told you: “You have bad posture, are overweight and increased level cholesterol". It is not very reasonable to answer him: “Look at yourself, you’re not very slim yourself!” Of course, it would be right to listen to the doctor’s words and take advantage of his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.

But why can't we always listen to the words of our other half, even if they relate to our character and personality? After all, we can also change it, recognize our shortcomings and get rid of them, just as we can correct problems with overweight. Understand that criticism is not meant to remind you of your weaknesses. it gives you the opportunity to improve, to become better!

Of course, it is not always adequate. But if it doesn’t correspond to reality, what’s the point of being offended and worried? And if it is true, then even more so you should not react with retaliatory accusations! Most often there is a mixed version: criticism becomes exaggerated, intensified by emotions and resentment, embellished with speculation. And the true wisdom of relationships lies in being able to isolate from it what is really true and use it to better understand yourself. And at the same time, do not respond to empty and unfounded accusations.

I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my family life. My wife sometimes tells me: "You never listen to me", when I, once again buried in my work, let her words fall on deaf ears.

Of course, my Self does not accept such a harsh formulation: “Never!” (after all, this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: “Yes, you’re exaggerating everything, you’re just distracting me, I can’t switch quickly when I’m working, you yourself can’t find the moments when it’s better to contact me.”. But when you try to distract yourself from your Self, a slightly different picture emerges.

Indeed, often, when my wife contacts me, I do not react, even if I am not busy with work, but just think about something ( I consider this conflict in the context of the history of the relationship in order to understand how she perceives it). Have I noticed such a reaction on her part ( does she act like that?)? When I talk to her, most often she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I would probably be offended by it ( what if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions due to which she says: “You never listen!” ( what feelings does she have?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, I often listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is due to feelings, but these feelings are understandable. I probably need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not get lost in my own thoughts. I will simply become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to her ( How will this help me become a better person?).

Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positive aspects

It just so happens that we gradually get used to the virtues of our soulmate. They become a given for us, and we mostly begin to notice the shortcomings. These shortcomings are seen especially clearly in comparison with other couples. After I had lived with my future wife for several years, I began to think that perhaps we were not suitable for each other, that we were different in many ways. I began to obsess over the differences and shortcomings, and at one time they seemed to represent the only and most significant problem.

And only a few years later I realized how much we actually have in common. And this commonality and similarity is manifested in such basic things that you quickly get used to them, and sometimes it can be difficult to see, especially if you start thinking only about the differences and shortcomings of your partner. And the nuances, they are nuances, are to stand out against the background of general patterns, attracting attention to themselves.

People are different from each other and everyone has their shortcomings. You will not be able to find an ideal person or someone ideally similar to you. You just have to accept it.

Try not to constantly compare your partner with others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are similar to him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his intelligence, for those things that remain in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. A better words tell your young man how grateful you are to him for his qualities and how you love him for it! He will be very pleased; he will see that his merits are appreciated and not ignored. Go ahead and do it today when you see it! And in general, try to praise him more often (but don’t overdo it, avoid flattery) so that he can see how dear he is to you, and that you can discern in him what he perhaps values ​​most in himself, what he tries to maintain and develop .

Of course, it happens that your partner is practically nothing but flaws. In this case, there is no need to look for a grain of good in it in order to grab onto it. Something needs to change in the relationship here.

And remember, look positive sides in another person does not mean coming to terms with his shortcomings. Try to help him correct his shortcomings. But you don’t need to use them alone to make up the appearance of a person.

Rule 7 - Be sincere and open

There is a wonderful classic serial film by Ingmar Bergman “Scenes from a Marriage”. The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, and avoidance of “forbidden” topics can lead an apparently prosperous relationship to collapse.

Don’t bring your relationship to what the characters in this picture brought it to (divorce). Remember, there are no “taboo” topics in a relationship. If you are tormented by doubts, fears, insecurities, tell your partner about it. Tell him what you don’t like in your relationship, listen to what he experiences discomfort and displeasure. Discuss it and come to a compromise. There is no need to avoid “touchy” issues like sex, because this is also part of the relationship.

Of course, you should not try to forcefully find out all the secrets of your spouse, but rather reveal all your past secrets yourself. You also need to maintain a balance in this, just like in everything else that concerns your relationship.

Rule 8 - Develop your relationships by developing yourself!

It would be a big mistake to think that relationships will develop on their own once you start them. Relationships require constant attention and involvement of both partners.

Development involves not only strengthening communication, for example, the decision to cohabitation, marriage, the birth of children, but also the personal development of each partner!

Relationships sometimes require much more from people than loneliness and separate existence. Why? Because in order for the connection between two people to be strong and harmonious, both of them will need to step over that part of themselves that can be the hardest to step over! Through your selfishness, your endless desires.

Both partners need to learn to listen to the other, find a compromise, give in and care. But not everyone has these qualities and often they need to be developed. That is why I understand the problems of many young couples, which consist in the fact that there is a strong conflict of interests between two people, one of them or each is trying to do as he wants, without listening to the wishes of the partner.

And there is nothing surprising in this, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, starting to new job, performs it with errors, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had his first relationship, there were no other people with their desires for him. There were his parents who cared for him, friends who didn't demand much. And he had only his “I”, with all his desires, which he was used to satisfying without making allowances for other people. He doesn't even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of partners do not always coincide.

The ability to find a compromise and listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it may seem that a relationship is some kind of prison, calling a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But that's not true. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say “no” to thousands of “I want” actually leads to freedom. Freedom from our selfish desires, our Ego that controls us. Altruism is not strict self-restraint, it is an attempt to free oneself from anger, self-indulgence, stubbornness, and self-obsession for the sake of shared happiness. A strong relationships, on the one hand, they require a person to step over his egoism, on the other hand, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will return to this idea in conclusion.

Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.

Rule 9 - Don't build relationships only around sex

In our free age, after the atmosphere of puritanical morality, which placed a taboo on discussing sex and belittling its role in the lives of spouses, began to evaporate in the relationships of people around the world, people began to strive from one extreme to the other. From the extreme of prohibition and secrecy to the extreme of openness and permissiveness.
Sex began to become more and more higher value for people. Undoubtedly, it has considerable significance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be maintained, without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.

Many people see it as a disaster that sex is not as varied and exciting as they would like it to be. This leads them either to a breakup existing relations, or to search for a relationship on the side. But in fact, sexual pleasure is just one of the many forms of love; besides it, there are many manifestations of love!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve the quality of your sex life. But you can’t get hung up on it, believing that the absence of stormy and frequent sex ruins your relationship when everything else is fine. Maybe it's not the lack of daily pleasure that makes you unsatisfied? What makes you so is your irrepressible, unbridled desires, which you cannot fully satisfy, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You cannot give full play to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the hungrier, voracious and insatiable they become!

Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!

The Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom, aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.

No matter how intense sex is, it is not able to bind two partners as tightly as empathy, friendship, deep understanding, care, love. To build a relationship around sex is to make it limited, weak, dependent and incomplete.

Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests

Your interests do not have to coincide in everything. There is no need to look for similarity in everything and suffer due to the lack of it. They asked me today. “Nikolai, I see that your wife’s website is dedicated to esotericism, and you yourself seem to be far from mysticism. How do you find a compromise between your views and your spouse’s beliefs?”

The fact of the matter is that I cannot say that we have agreement on this issue and that we are striving for it. My wife believes in things that I don't believe in, but that's okay! Different people different views and beliefs, that’s how we are made. And the art of relationships is to stop making a big deal out of it, to accept the fact that people are different.

It took me a lot of work and time to learn a little not to take the beliefs of my other half with hostility, not to argue about every issue, not to criticize them. I realized how important what she believes in is important to her and I began to respect and appreciate it. After all, it brings joy and peace of mind to the person I love.

I can’t say that we are trying hard to come to some kind of compromise, a synthesis of my views and hers with her beliefs. Despite the fact that we agree in many places, there are places where we categorically disagree with each other. But we try to just leave it as it is and calmly accept it. Why should one person change his views to please another?

If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you consider this a useless and stupid activity, then you do not need to try to convince him every time of the nonsense he is doing, if it does not cause much harm to the family. If he allows himself to do this on rare occasions, then leave everything as it is. Respect other people's small and harmless weaknesses. And the height of your generosity and understanding would be, for example, to give him some kind of computer game, even if you think it’s a waste of money. But it will be pleasant for your young man!

Personally, it took me a lot of effort to accept even my wife’s small expenses on esotericism, which, naturally, I considered pointless. But I think I managed to get through this stage and come to the understanding that she likes it, the way she loves it, therefore, these expenses cannot be empty. And I am very glad that I managed to overcome this rejection in myself.

On the other hand, if you yourself are a young man whose spouse accuses him of devoting a couple of hours a week computer games, take it calmly. There is no need to prove to her in the heat of the moment that you are developing yourself in this way and enter into polemics and quarrels. Yes, your wife cannot understand you, but leave it as it is, do not try to come to an agreement through quarrels and insults. If you stop responding to her attacks, then sooner or later she will run out of “fuel” for accusations.

I don’t want to say at all that there is no need to strive for understanding and compromise. Try to understand how important certain things are to your spouse. But if you just can’t understand it, these things seem empty and stupid to you, just accept it and give your loved one the opportunity to enjoy them. But here you also shouldn’t take this principle to the extreme and allow your partner to engage in some completely destructive behavior, for example, drinking every day or getting involved in drugs. Everything has a limit.

Rule 11 - Know how to say no!

You should not constantly indulge the absurd demands of your spouse. If your significant other, for example, requires you to account for every step you take, outside of his or her presence, then you do not have to satisfy this desire. There is no need to feed other people's shortcomings, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that by denying your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant to you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, this way you will preserve and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your own will and your desires.

Rule 12 - Maintain a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner

Try not to impose yourself too much on your partner. Give him room for independence. You shouldn't try to control his every move and try to fill all your time with being close to him. I understand that this advice is difficult to adhere to for those who see the meaning of life only in their love for one person. But the annoying desire to limit someone else's freedom may meet with resistance and rejection from your partner. In order not to experience painful attachment to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. After all, in a relationship there should be room for both loneliness and your personal affairs. Find something you enjoy, that brings you joy, that you can do and be passionate about when your partner is not around. Don’t reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!

But at the same time, concern for one’s own independence should not develop into promiscuity and neglect of relationships. Yes, on the one hand, you shouldn’t try to spend all your time in each other’s arms, but you also shouldn’t neglect the care of the relationship and the attention that you can give to your spouse. And there is no need to endure the fact that your significant other does not pay attention to you at all. How to find balance?

Meetings should not be too infrequent if you have serious relationship, but at the same time, you don’t have to see each other every day, unless, of course, both want it. If your husband sometimes meets with friends or work partners, then there is nothing wrong with that, he should have his own life. But if this develops into everyday events after work, when he doesn’t see you anyway, then this is already going beyond the scope. In general, there cannot be precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!

Rule 13 - Don't play daisy

“Everything is so good with us, he is wonderful and caring, but I think my strong feelings for him have disappeared.” People often make a big problem out of the fact of lack of feelings.

Don't take weakening feelings as a symptom that there are problems in the relationship and some action needs to be taken. Don't get attached to feelings, because they are temporary and impermanent. Passion and strong love pass, such is human nature. Even when they appear in a relationship, they are not permanent: sometimes they are there, sometimes they are not, sometimes you feel some kind of surge of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings do not exist.

If you put such an unreliable and fickle thing as feelings at the basis of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and fickle. This is the same as building exclusively wind power plants in one country. The weather is very changeable, so the supply of electricity to cities will be very unstable.

I'm not saying that you should completely neglect emotions. You just shouldn't see them as the only criterion for your relationship. You shouldn't get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and sensitive, if everything is fine with you, then you don’t need to constantly play daisy and try to evoke feelings in yourself. This way, on the contrary, you will only attract tension and doubts, which will prevent you from discerning any emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then the feelings will come on their own, and then go away again, only to return later. After all, they are as unpredictable an element as the wind!

Or perhaps, having relaxed, you will understand that the feelings have always been there, just behind your desire for strong feelings, due to unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish between softer emotions. The abundance of bright sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your vision, so that you temporarily stop seeing calm tones.

The same can apply to your expectations of your partner. Don't expect him to always be Romeo in love. His feelings are as fickle as yours. Make allowance for the fact that men, as a rule, are more restrained in expressing their feelings than women.

Rule 14 - Learn diplomacy

I am sure that many of those reading this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but they cannot. Your partner does not pay attention to you or has shortcomings that he does not want to correct, and you cannot in any way instruct him on the right way. You are worried about your relationships and have a very noble desire to fix them. I think that those who are used to letting things take their course are unlikely to read about how to fix relationships. So, this is a small compliment to you.

Changing or correcting a partner is a very difficult task and not always feasible. I know this first hand. For a long time, my wife could not do absolutely anything about my laziness, indifference, violent emotions, promiscuity, irresponsibility and immaturity. Of course, I didn’t want to listen to anything, because, as it seemed to me, I myself knew everything better than anyone, and no one could be my decree. And I understand that such pride is characteristic of many people, especially men. They, to a greater extent than women, are subject to the illusion that they know everything about everything, that they are always right. They always strive to form an opinion in advance about every thing in the world, even if they don’t understand something. They do not want to accept other people's help and support, and if they do use it, it is without gratitude.

I, of course, do not generalize and do not want to say that all men behave this way. I just met more men with the qualities described than women. Yes, I used to be like that myself. And no assurances must have helped me until I myself wanted to change.

Therefore, I understand how difficult it is to explain anything to a proud person, for whom it is much more important to remain in the paradigm of his ideas and beliefs, to feel right, than to correct himself, to become better. His pride, like a wall, can reflect all sincere attempts to help. So how can you influence your partner? I think that the issue of subtle diplomacy requires a separate article, which I may publish. But I will still give some tips.

There is no need to aggressively impose on a person any truths with which he does not agree. Encourage him to try everything from his own experience, to see for himself. Create the appearance that your partner reached everything on his own, and not at your direction. Praise him and show him how much you appreciate his efforts to overcome his shortcomings.

But at the same time, do not scold for failures, encourage you to calmly try again and again. There is no need to tell him how bad he is; rather, tell him how you suffer because of his shortcomings and how you would like him to overcome them. Conduct a dialogue with him, take an interest in his successes, offer new methods. Let him at least try, and if something doesn’t work, he will have the right to quit it. Help and guide, but at the same time leave room for independence.

Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust

The more trust you show in your partner, the more difficult it will be for him to betray that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than to simply confirm existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checks, surveillance, and leading questions. As I wrote in the article about, such behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.

While you certainly can’t trust someone who constantly deceives you, over-trusting is also bad! Be careful, don’t let any crooks turn your head and play with your feelings. If a person has betrayed your trust one or more times, draw conclusions and be vigilant!

Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you

Often old lovers get tired of any manifestation of initiative, creativity and desire for novelty. They each get used to their own unspoken responsibilities, and do not want to do anything that goes beyond their scope.

But new positive trends in relationships, fresh initiative are always good! This brings people together, awakens dormant feelings, helps them feel care and warmth, rather than indifference and coldness. That's why do unexpected gifts and surprises, master a skill of family life that is alien to you. If you are a man, then start cooking, making this responsibility easier for your wife. If you are a woman, think of something pleasant and useful you can do to please and surprise your spouse. Be inventive and get creative.

Think about what your significant other wants, what can make his or her job easier and make him or her feel good. Here we're talking about not only about making an unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in your partner’s life, stop focusing only on your life and your problems.

Rule 17 - Be willing to let go of a dead-end relationship

This article provides tips on how to build and improve your relationship. I believe that it is better to try several times to fix a potentially good relationship than to end it. My wife did not leave me five years ago, despite my inability then to think about anyone other than myself. Since then, I have changed decisively, realized my mistakes and corrected them, which also helped me write this article. But it took me a while to change, and I understand that well. Therefore, I encourage everyone to give their other half a chance, because who knows what might happen in the future from what we have now?

But here you need to maintain a balance. In general, this entire article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of leading relationships, just like , lies in the ability to balance between several extremes. Therefore, all the advice here is ambiguous, they do not tell you “do this, don’t do that”, they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find a middle ground. Try to correct your partner, but at the same time do not press with all your weight. Give freedom, but at the same time do not allow relationships to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations say a clear “no.” Trying to understand other people's interests, but accepting that understanding is not always possible...

And I realize that despite the fact that in some situations it is better to fix the relationship, in other situations it is better to end it altogether. If your partner systematically behaves in ways that you do not like, despite your attempts to positively influence him. If he offends you, doesn’t manage anger well, lets himself go and doesn’t want to correct himself. If you have done everything to improve your relationship, but your efforts have led nowhere. If you constantly suffer because of other people's insults and unfair suspicions. Then it is better to think about ending such a relationship. Especially if you are still young and don't have children. Don't worry, you will find a much better partner. You don't deserve to be a martyr or work as someone's babysitter your whole life.

Conclusion - Relationships and Self-Development

The ability to maintain a relationship is determined by the personal skills of both partners: care, altruism, understanding of the other, the ability to give in and compromise. Relationships are not a market economy, in which everyone can thrive only by taking care of themselves exclusively.

I returned to this issue again because it is the most important. And most problems in relationships occur precisely because of selfishness and unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another!

Relationships do not serve to satisfy your pride, lust, selfishness, but for the harmonious coexistence and development of two people! As I wrote above, relationships will help you develop altruism and understanding, as well as many other skills. In my opinion, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a school for self-development and personality education! And the positive experience that you gain from life with your wife or husband, you can apply in absolutely any relationship, with subordinates or bosses, with friends or opponents, with children or pensioners. It will also serve as a reliable support for you in many life situations. After all, diplomacy, patience, and the ability to listen are the qualities that are simply necessary to achieve success in life and personal happiness.

I often meet people who have relationship problems or no relationships at all. For some of them, relationships are a series of suffering and quarrels.

Others are simply in constant search, and they just can’t find it. permanent partner: all their attempts to maintain a long-term relationship turn into failure. Still others are simply not looking for anyone, or they really doubt themselves, or they just like to be alone.

But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: not only changeable fortune or bad choice prevents them from finding partners family happiness. Often these people simply lack personal qualities, without which it will be difficult to maintain these relationships. These people are infantile, lack a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh, or, on the contrary, extremely soft-bodied, cannot cope with their changeable emotions, do not know how to listen and understand the needs of other people, are selfish, self-contained and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants a long-term relationship, then he must have some qualities.

(I'm not going to say that all single people are like this. Not at all. Some of them really like solitude and independence. They feel self-sufficient and are able to lead a harmonious life without any permanent relationships. I have nothing against it, it's everyone's personal choice .I also want to clarify that if you understand that you have strong problems in a relationship, this does not necessarily mean that the problem is rooted in your personality. It happens that the reason for this is related to your partner or external factors.

But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens, and often.)

This does not mean that he should have these qualities from the beginning. Every person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.
I view human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people united by one bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make the connection with your husband or wife more reliable, but you yourself will become better and happier.