Unformatted love: the secrets of relationships in an unequal marriage. The problem of unequal marriages

Unequal marriages in which a man is 10 or more years older than his chosen one existed at all times. In the ancient summers in Rus', young girls were happily given away by their parents in marriage to adult wealthy suitors. Thus, they provided a “full” life for their beloved daughter. The question "likes or dislikes" did not matter here. The motivation for such marriages has always been obvious.

The natural reaction of people who witness such unequal marriages is condemnation and indignation. Most often, eyewitnesses suspect mercantile interest bride, this most often justifies her unusual choice.

But suddenly it turns out that the groom has “the wind in his pocket”, is no longer young, has a small regular income, rents an apartment, travels exclusively by train. And then our previous thoughts about commercialism came to a standstill. So, not only this is the reason for unequal marriages, there is something else less obvious, but which is the place to be.

Here are some reasons for unequal marriages:

A girl who grew up without a dad is completely unconsciously looking for care and guardianship from her middle-aged chosen one.

Women's mind. Very often, a woman is not interested in her peers due to her development, she simply has nothing to talk about with them, there are no common interests and hobbies. Therefore, she chooses a man much older than herself.

There are situations when a young girl is uncomfortable for some reason to live with her parents at home. She doesn't care who to marry, as long as she quickly moves to her husband, away from her family. And an adult man, most likely, already has his own "corner" where she can move. In this case, the man acts as a rescue hero.

Stability. Most women dream of starting a family, to be sure of tomorrow. Mature men who have experience in this can offer all this to a woman. In addition, they know how to take good care of them. A chrysanthemum in cellophane is far from everything we dream about, it would not hurt to add gallantry, courtesy, gifts and courtship, which young guys often do not know about.

For men, such marriages allow them to experience a second youth. His eyes sparkle, and butterflies start up in his heart, from a well-groomed uncle, he turns into a blooming gentleman.

His prestige in the eyes of his friends rises, many even envy him.

Well, the last, most incredible, but at the same time wonderful and magical reason is love. Few people believe in it, but it cannot be ruled out. Two people are kindred souls at first sight, with the same thoughts, interests and goals, in this case the age limits are erased and the age difference is noticeable only externally.

Positive aspects (pluses) of unequal marriage:

1) One of the advantages can be noted that sexual relations with an experienced man like girls more than with less experienced peers.

2) An adult man is less hot and more reasonable, this marriage will be able to avoid many mistakes of young couples.

3) If the reason for the marriage was financial
interest, then a girl can live for her own pleasure, engage in education, children or any hobby, without thinking about material problems at all.

4) In such a marriage, everyone gets exactly what they wanted and what they aspired to. Even without love, such marriages are quite durable.

Richard Hils is an American psychologist who studied the problem of unequal marriages in which the man is 10 or more years older than the woman. As it turned out, unequal marriages are most often happy and durable. In this case, two obligatory conditions must take place: love (great and bright) and the coincidence of psychotypes. He says that mature men value the hearth more and try to protect their family from the troubles and petty quarrels that very often occur in young families.

Negative sides (cons) of unequal marriage:

1) Firstly, for whom it is important, you cannot "live together happily ever after and die on the same day." Indeed, according to statistics, men already live 7 years less than women.

2) It is no longer possible to remake or adjust a mature man “for himself”. All his habits will have to come to terms.

3) Leisure and free time. If you do not have common interests and activities, then this can cause quarrels.

4) Your friends. For the husband's friends, the young wife will always be a stupid girl, and for the wife's girlfriends, her chosen one will be a hopeless old man. It is unlikely that they will be able to take part in parties together that are arranged by young friends of the wife.

5) Another minus may not “emerge immediately” - this is the betrayal of his wife. A man usually has a recession sexual activity, while the woman is still young and she needs a more intense relationship. All this will inevitably lead to jealousy, since Old man can no longer compete with young rivals.

In Rostock (Germany), scientists from the Institute for Demographic Research found that in a marriage where a man is much older than his wife, a woman ages much faster and her life expectancy is shorter. Scientists explain this interesting phenomenon by the fact that in emotionally a young wife tries to “reach out” for a more experienced, mature husband, and therefore her withering occurs much faster than usual. After studying about 2 million unequal marriages, scientists came to the conclusion that it is best for a woman to marry a peer. Scientists from many countries have become interested in this phenomenon, and new, more in-depth experiments will be carried out in the near future.

Obviously, people initially see in unequal marriages only meanness and calculation. Why do they see this world in such a color? Maybe they just don't know how to love?

At the words “unequal marriage”, the famous painting by Pukirev immediately appears, in which a young beauty is married to an old man. In our time, unequal marriages are being made more and more often, and the age difference between husband and wife in many cases ceases to play a big role. But still, until now, speaking of an unequal marriage, we usually mean that the husband is older than his wife.

But more and more often marriages are concluded when the wife is older, and much older. Moreover, contrary to popular belief, these are far from always marriages of convenience, and young husbands are not necessarily gigolos who want to profit at the expense of an aging woman. And yet, what are the reasons that make young men marry women older by 5, 10, 15, or even more years?

Psychologists say that the main reason for this choice is male infantilism. That is, a man, even being successful, at heart remains a little boy in need of maternal care and care.

The cause of infantilism may be childhood trauma associated with the fear of being rejected, abandoned, lonely. Play their role and mistakes in education. As a rule, this sissy”, whom from childhood she not only loved, but adored her mother, sacrificing everything for the sake of her beloved child.

Raised in adoration since childhood, and in the future, a man is looking for the same attitude towards himself. You won’t expect this from a peer, but a woman who is much older may well treat her young husband that way.

Often men do not want to bother themselves in the field family relations. Everyone knows that the family is work, the search for a compromise, responsibility, mutual concessions and much more. And a young man who marries a woman much older than him can afford to relax and live the way he likes: to be capricious, express dissatisfaction, dictate terms, because he is sure that his wife is afraid to lose him and agree with everything.

In addition to all this, a mature woman in our time often looks more presentable and attractive than her young rivals. She is well-groomed, spectacularly dressed, has life and sexual experience, is independent, self-confident and self-sufficient. She is able to understand a man, not to be capricious or petty, obsessive or frankly stupid. She knows what she wants and knows how to achieve it, which makes her young man not only interest, but also respect and admiration.

And what does a woman look for in an unequal marriage? Why does she agree to such a misalliance? The reasons can also be hidden in childhood, for example, with the early loss of a father, in the absence of a father, with a father who does not pay enough attention to his daughter, does not allow her to grow up next to him. Or in a situation where a woman cannot come to terms with the death of her father, does not let him go. The reasons may be upbringing, long loneliness and unsatisfied maternal instinct.

In addition, for an aging woman, a young husband can become a challenge to old age, the last attempt to regain youth, experience love, and for this she is able to challenge public opinion, go against others, take risks for at least a few years of happiness with her loved one. She no longer needs a man to be a breadwinner, support her and her family, be a mentor and support - it is enough for her that she loves and is loved, and she is able to provide everything else herself.

But whatever the reasons for such marriages, another thing is more important - how durable they are, is full happiness possible for both partners in such a marriage? In an unequal marriage, despite all his self-confidence, a man does not feel very comfortable, although, it seems, he has a more advantageous position. By and large, he has a constant dissatisfaction with his male life, thirst for new experiences. He is not a protector, not a breadwinner, not the very “wall” and support that any woman dreams of - that is, there are no components for male pride, high self-esteem and self-confidence.

For a woman, such a marriage is an eternal struggle with old age, the fear of losing a young husband, the pangs of jealousy. Moreover, these feelings are also experienced by the strongest, most successful and accomplished women. But it is these fears of a man and a woman that contribute to the fact that they hold on to each other, make concessions and learn to get along, find a compromise.

Such marriages are happy, because a man who has received from a woman that degree of care, attention, adoration that he needs, gets used to comfort. And, besides, since it was not the body shell that initially attracted him in his wife, he will not be disappointed by aging and a change in the appearance of a woman.

And a woman who consciously chooses a young man as her husband will not be disappointed by his infantilism, inability to make decisions, be support and protection. It's just that type marital relations, which can be defined by the concept of "mother-son".

Of course, much depends on the specific circumstances and specific people entering into marriage, from the depth of their feelings and decency. a serious reason For conflicts in such a family, the impossibility of a woman to give birth to a child due to her age can serve. And if for a man the continuation of the family is not an empty phrase, then such a family is doomed. Although in this case it is important to know how both partners are configured.

For unequal marriages one of greatest dangers represent not the relations of the young husband and wife themselves, but excessive attention and interference in their lives by those around them - friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, etc. Idle conversations, gossip, discussion, censure - all this can be those droplets of water that also undermine rocks. Therefore, entering into an unequal marriage, one must accurately foresee all the complications that await the family on the way. Anticipate and be prepared.

The tradition of marrying a man older than himself has remained since ancient times. A young lady was given in marriage to an adult man. In such a marriage, the girl did not experience material difficulties and had a high position in society. Today, most girls enter into an unequal marriage, a man can be older by 5 or 10 years. There are pluses and minuses in such marriages.

The physiological aspect of unequal marriage

Before talking about psychological aspects unequal marriage, it is necessary to understand what changes occur physiologically in a woman and a man. In men, the peak of sexual activity occurs at the age of 25, compared with his peers. And by the age of 35, both a man and a woman are equally active sexually. Further, the sexual activity of a woman increases, while that of men decreases. At this time, as a rule, men have a desire to communicate with women younger than themselves in order to revive their former passion.

There are other reasons why a man chooses a young lady. A man wants to constantly admire a woman, and if she is constantly busy with household chores, then interest in her disappears. In such a relationship, a man becomes bored over time, and what he lacks, he will look for on the side.

Positive aspects of unequal marriage

Positive aspects can be found in everything, including in an unequal marriage:

A man, if he is older than a woman by more than 10 years, attracts her by the seriousness of her intentions. Family comfort, home comfort, is of great value to him. By his age, he had already learned quite well female psychology and knows what a woman needs.

Sometimes a woman chooses a man older than herself as her life partner if he is successful in the profession. An example is young actresses who marry directors in their years. If a man is respected by a large number people, then it will certainly arouse interest, respect, on the part of a woman.

Entering into a relationship with such a man, a woman will feel that she is being taken care of, taken care of. In such a marriage, all decisions will be made by a man, and he will also be the leader in the family.

Negative aspects of unequal marriage

Unequal marriages by age also have negative aspects:

Unequal marriage: reasons for the breakdown of relationships

In an unequal marriage, a man and a woman are looking for what they lacked before. Girls in older men see both a caring father and a lover in one person, and the reason for this choice can be complicated relationship with Father. In fact, there may be more reasons why a woman chooses such a marriage. But there are reasons for the collapse of such relationships:

There are many options for developing relationships. But the bottom line is that everyone seeks to satisfy their needs, and if this happens, then conflict cannot be avoided.

What motivates people to choose partners who are much older or younger than themselves? What are the pros and cons of such unions?

People meet, people fall in love, create families. Most traditionally still prefer to take as their wife or husband a peer or a person a couple of years older or younger. No wonder: people of the same age grow up in similar conditions, often have common interests and views on life, equally perceive the surrounding reality. And, to be honest, they often become chosen ones former classmates or classmates, employees with whom they studied, worked, in general, spent a lot of time together. And then once - and created a family. Familiar situation, right?

However, it is not uncommon to see other examples couples- when the husband is much older, or, conversely, younger than his wife. And if the former are perceived more or less condescendingly, shaking their heads: “Here, the girl, well done, found herself a wealthy old man!”, Then the latter are generally accused of some unthinkable sins and labeled like: “I found myself a boy for comfort” or “ And what about him, he got a good job - and the woman is at hand, and they don’t force him to work! To what extent these statements are true and what provokes us to find a mate among people of the "not our" generation - let's see.

What is unequal marriage by age?

A-priory, unequal marriage by age- this is such a union in which the husband or wife is much older than second halves. A large age difference is traditionally considered to be 10 years or more. You won't surprise anyone with such marriages now. Adult women are looking for young men and marry them, men of age choose very young ladies as their spouses. Where did unequal marriages come from?

In fact, the idea of unions in which the man is much older than the woman is not new at all. A couple of centuries ago, this option was considered almost traditional - young girls they passed off as actually elderly men, arguing this move with their reliability and good financial situation, and the young ladies themselves preferred serious and experienced companions. Yes, and about love as such, until the moment of marriage, no one really talked about it - first, the beginning of a family, and then love will follow. And it seems that this is what happened to them - at least, many sources testify to this.

The option, when a woman is much older than a man, of course, also occurred in ancient times, but was never particularly supported by society and was not (or, perhaps, simply not advertised) as frequent as we can observe in our time.

Now we are free to choose our partners ourselves and “out of love”. But still often the choice of many falls on a spouse much older or younger. What drives people in both options in our time? What real reasons creating such marriages?

Causes of unequal marriages by age

The generally accepted opinion says that the main reason for unequal marriages is dry calculation. Undoubtedly, in some cases it also takes place, but still there are other, no less significant, reasons. For example, a young girl, choosing an aged man as her companion, subconsciously sees in him:

Father. If a girl grew up without a dad, she can, without realizing it, look for a man who will "play" the role of her father - big and strong, with whom nothing is scary next to him and who can teach everything, and just take it in his hands in minutes sadness or despair. The second option is when the girl grew up in a complete family, and she has very warm and friendly relations with Dad. In this case, she subconsciously searches for a man similar to him, both in appearance and in age;
Interlocutor. Often educated and intelligent young lady it becomes simply boring in the company of his peers, who have not yet played enough cars. So they are looking for partners with whom it is interesting, there is something to talk about and what to discuss, who know a lot and literally “fascinate” with their intellect;
Savior. There are also situations when a girl, for one reason or another, becomes unbearable to stay in her parents' house. Perhaps she is overprotected, controlled, not given living space. Then she begins to look for a hero-savior who will carry her out of the “flaming hut” in her arms and take her forever to her freedom. Young guys can hardly offer her such a “service” - rarely, by the age of 19-20, anyone already has both the financial opportunity and the desire for a separate residence. But older men already have such conditions;
Rich dad. Probably the most common stereotype in the field of unequal marriages. It seems that it is not worth explaining that in such cases there is a cold calculation of the girl in order to solve her material problems and needs and simply “live well”;
Confident boyfriend. It's no secret that adults respectable men Those who have seen life know how to beautifully look after, show signs of attention, give gifts, in general, in every possible way “create romance”, which is so necessary for young creatures. Young guys are far from always capable of this, and, frankly, they have such a desire.

In response, a man also has many reasons for such an alliance:

young beautiful wife brag to friends or business competitors;
It is very pleasant to be an authority in the family. Especially if before that a man lived for many years with a stubborn and domineering woman;
middle age crisis. If “the demon is knocking on the rib”, next to the young companion you can find the long-awaited peace;
the desire to experience a "second youth". Yesterday's "uncle"'s eyes begin to shine, he turns into a gallant gentleman. His prestige grows among his friends.

Also found marriage unions between pretty older women and young boys. There are much fewer such marriages than those described above, but they still take place. According to statistics, men choose mature women as their wives for the following reasons:

if the young romance just happened to turn up adult lady, and he focuses his stream of feelings on her;
there are also men who, in terms of character, are closer to adult experienced women;
sometimes it is not so important for young guys with whom to live together, if only it would be cozy and warm.

Women are also pushed into such marriages for good reasons: the desire to feel young and desirable again, to see adoration in the eyes of a man and just to feel the taste of youth again. Often, young husbands are chosen by women who like to impress others. Ladies with a pronounced maternal instinct and simply wealthy self-sufficient women also fall into this category.

Of course, we have only listed a few of them here. possible causes occurrence of unequal marriages by age. And, undoubtedly, love should not be discounted - after all, when two soul mates meet and unite, other factors, including age, do not matter. And it's just wonderful when marriages, albeit unequal, are based precisely on this beautiful and bright feeling.

Unequal marriage by age: pros and cons

pros

Advantages of marriages in which the husband is much older than the wife:

material side. Usually men over 30 years old have a stable income and stand confidently on their feet. Therefore, the family will not have to pass the test of poverty and prove the truth of the saying “with a sweet paradise and in a hut”;
General stability. A young wife no longer has to chase after money in order to “save for an apartment”, she can safely build a career, get an education, do what she loves without harming her family. According to psychologists, an aged man tends to appreciate the peace in the family more and protect it from all sorts of minor troubles and quarrels;
Children. Men over thirty show a greater readiness for the birth of children than young men. For them, most likely, the child will be long-awaited and desired, rather than accidental, and they will devote time to children with great pleasure;
Family relationships. Adult men have more patience and flexibility than the "greens". They are much less likely to try to re-educate their wife, behave less categorically, are capable of compromise;
Marital fidelity on the part of a man. By marrying a young girl, he seems to show the whole world: "I'm still hoo!". But in his lifetime he has already seen a lot, and there is usually no desire to exchange for casual connections;
Sexual relations. For a young girl, sex with an experienced adult man is more pleasant than with inexperienced peers;
A new taste of life for a man. Marriage with a young girl helps a man of dreams to feel a faded interest in surrounding events, to open a "second wind". He feels loved again, enjoys every day, appreciates happy moments, begins to work in full force and communicate with loved ones;
The presence of romance. For a man getting older important gifts, flowers, courtship, allowing him to feel like a blooming gentleman and live a full life again.

Advantages of marriages in which the wife is much older than the husband:

Visible success of a woman. When a grown woman marries young guy, she immediately seems to her friends more successful and rises in their eyes;
Sexual compatibility. According to experts, a woman reaches the peak of sexuality at the age of about 30-35 years. And at this moment, a young partner turns out to be most welcome, which cannot be said about older men.

Minuses

Cons of marriages in which the husband is much older than the wife:

The attitude of the girl's parents, friends and everyone around. Mom and dad will not necessarily be happy to see their peers as sons-in-law. For the husband's friends, his young wife will most likely always remain a stupid girl, and for the wife's friends, her husband will seem like just an old man;
Free time and leisure. If general occupations, the couple does not have interests and ways to relax, this can serve as a bone of contention in the family. Do not make the family stronger and different tastes in music, books, movies;
Duration life together. According to statistics, women already live 7 years longer than men. Add here the difference in age, and it becomes clear that "to die in one day" after a long and happy life, most likely will not work;
The "hardness" of a man. mature man no longer succumb to alterations or adjustments "for themselves." You have to put up with all his habits;
Another possible minus is the betrayal of his wife. With age, a man's sexual activity declines, while a woman is still young, and she wants to be desired;
Accelerated aging of a woman. According to research by German scientists, in marriages where a man is much older than his chosen one, a woman ages much faster, and her life expectancy is reduced. This phenomenon is explained by the fact that at the level of emotions, a young wife “stretches” for a more mature husband, and therefore fades faster than her peers who have chosen men of their own age;
Again, children. Or rather, their absence. Often, older men no longer want to have children. After all, in their lives there were already diapers, pots, sleepless nights, and they have enough children from previous marriage. Therefore, sometimes young women are faced with a choice: either continue to live with their husband and give up motherhood, or look for a more suitable candidate for the position of the father of their children. Also, sometimes in such marriages, a man simply cannot give a child to his companion due to a decrease in reproductive ability.

Cons of marriages in which the wife is much older than the husband:

Husband cheating. If the age difference is more than 15 years, after some time it will be very difficult to avoid cheating on the part of a man, even despite the presence of feelings. After all, it is not easy for an energetic man to be around an aging woman who no longer thinks about sex;
The difference in the perception of the union. Often, young guys perceive relationships with more mature woman as an interesting adventure, useful sexual relations, but not in the plane of a strong family;
Difficulties in the matter of children. A young husband wants an heir, but a lady over 40 may not want to burden herself with pots and diapers. In addition, her ability to bear children may also be lower than that of younger women.

A common disadvantage of unequal marriages by age is also problems due to the deterioration of the health of a more mature partner. If the husband is much older, a woman simply needs to be a good housewife, a patient friend, and a doctor, monitor his health, diet, and compliance with healthy lifestyle life. At young husband a woman simply has to take care of herself and feel younger than her years.

Unequal marriage by age: to be or not to be?

As always, the choice is yours. We have studied only dry facts, and in real life of course, things happen. According to experts, unequal marriages are often durable and bring happiness to both partners. The main conditions are the coincidence of psychotypes and, of course, great and bright love. And, as you know, all ages are submissive to her ...

“Love your soul mate, enjoy every minute of your life together and always be happy!”
Anna Kutyavina

The problem of unequal marriages has always existed. In ancient times, such unions solved the problems of their well-being. Often the reason for the marriage of a young girl to an elderly man was the banal union of their lands. But it's one thing when similar marriages concluded between a young woman and a middle-aged man, it is quite another when a young boy marries a woman of Balzac age. Any unequal marriage brings certain problems and difficulties. But in a marriage where a woman is older, mutual reproaches and misunderstandings arise much more often, and the union often brings only disappointment.

Nowadays, such marriages are not uncommon. From time to time in the means mass media there is information about the marriage of an elderly diva and her young lover. Such unions often cause public outrage. And on the side of condemning, as a rule, women act.There is a certain opinion in the female environment that if a lady begins to like young boys, she can consider herself a decrepit, out of her mind old woman. From the point of view of specialists, there are reasons for this state of affairs.

With age and experience, the fair sex is especially afraid of further loneliness and loss of male attention. Such a conclusion does not apply in the best way to their self-image. In the presence of sufficient well-being, they begin to pay attention to men much younger than themselves in age. But with an impartial assessment, they are well aware of what they offer to a young companion. financial well-being in return for his attention and sexual affection. It is not uncommon for a woman to end up thinking that her young husband is waiting for her to die soon in order to receive an inheritance.It is likely that young boys receive some income from an alliance with a woman of Balzac age, but ladies, if they often have something from this, then only for a short period of time. Often in such a union, a woman very soon begins to feel lonely.

The opinion of psychologists

From the point of view of specialists, in an “unequal” marriage, a man can pursue two goals: really enjoy the union (this type of man has mental deviations); use old woman for selfish purposes. There is also an opposite point of view, according to which women should marry men younger than them.

Such an opinion is based on the fact that the peak of sexual possibilities in men occurs between the ages of seventeen and twenty-five, while in the beautiful half of humanity such a peak occurs only in the period from thirty to fifty. True, a family whose relationship is built solely on sexual relations albeit not immediately, but will face various misunderstandings: female jealousy, difference of interests, rejection of girlfriends and friends of each other, etc. In unequal marriages, emphasizing the whole difference between the age of a man and a woman, is, as a rule, the impossibility of an elderly woman to give birth to a child's spouse, even if he wants to find an heir.

Love knows no barriers

“All ages are submissive to love,” - it is not for nothing that such a statement has the right to exist. Often, the number of years lived is not an obstacle true feelings. Social, age, national and other characteristics of lovers do not play any role for her. Or almost none. And if for a man and a woman love is above all, then by all means they will be together. And it doesn’t matter how long this relationship lasts, the main thing is that they this moment time is very good and comfortable together. For how long? - Doesn't matter. They will be spouses as long as love lives.