Friendship between a guy and a girl. Truth or fiction. Can a guy and a girl just be friends?
Can a man and a woman, a boy and a girl, be "just friends"? Perhaps no question has provoked so much debate. However, there is still no answer to it. Experience shows that relationships without romance between men and women are quite possible - they live, work and play side by side, somehow managing not to start a romantic relationship.
However, the possibility remains that Platonic coexistence is just a façade behind which sexual passions. New research proves this is more true than we think. Men and women are capable of friendship, but romance is just waiting to pounce on them at the most inopportune moment.
To explore the idea of the viability of friendship between a man and a woman, a guy and a girl, the researchers selected 88 opposite-sex pairs of students and brought them to ... a scientific laboratory. The main condition was the observance of one rule: all participants in the study were sure that their friend was really friends with them, and did not have any romantic feelings. To ensure the honesty of the subjects, the psychologists not only followed all the necessary anonymity protocols, but also asked the students not to discuss the details of the study with each other even after it ended and they left the research center.
After that, the pairs were broken up, and each "half" was asked a series of questions regarding her romantic feelings(or lack thereof) to your partner. The results showed huge gender differences in how boys and girls interpret friendships. Men, for example, were much more likely to admit that they like their girlfriends. And more often they mistakenly believed that their girlfriends were attracted to them.
At the same time, the assessment of men had practically nothing to do with what women actually thought, and depended only on what the representatives of the stronger sex themselves thought about themselves. That is, they considered the feelings they experienced mutual, but they did not notice the actual level of romantic interest on the part of their girlfriends. The girls, in turn, underestimated the extent to which their friends were attracted to them.
Further, men, in accordance with their romantic delusions, more often turned out to be inclined to act in a lyrical direction. Almost all subjects dreamed of a date with their girlfriend, regardless of whether she had a second half or not, women gave great importance it was precisely the status of friendship that they did not pretend to have a romantic relationship with those of their friends who had lovers.
This proves that friendship with women is not easy for men, and confirms the slightly naive stereotypes about sex-hungry men and naive women. Even in the most platonic relationship men still see a lot of opportunities for romance, while women, on the contrary, exclude all romantic undertones from communicating with their boyfriend.
To an outside observer, it may seem that different views to the potential romantic relationship can lead to serious complications in friendship. Indeed, in a previous study of 249 men and women, the likelihood that friendship would develop into love was more likely to be attributed to the negative aspects of friendship. Differences between men and women showed up here too: men were four times more likely to name romantic interest as one of the pluses of friendship with a woman.
The results of both studies show that men and women understand the phrase "just to be friends" in completely different ways. And such a discrepancy of views is fraught with a potential threat to further communication. Can the two sexes be sincere friends? If everyone thought like women, then yes. But if everyone shared the views of men, then our planet would soon face an overpopulation crisis.
- No. But I'll explain now!
And not just “no”, but three times “no”: social “no”, sexual “no”, and psychological. To illustrate this "no" I even drew beautiful scheme with hearts, but everything has its time.
Let's start with the main thing - with the definition
what is friendship"?
Imagine you are going big company for barbecues. Summer, nature, pond. Finally, we all got together, arrived, as many as four cars, you know someone from kindergarten, you see someone for the first time. Husbands, wives, children, dogs, teenagers, couples in love, all mixed up, with beer, badminton and roast meat. And then when you post these photos on your page, you write: "these are my friends."
And there can be as many such guys and girls as friends.
Or another story. After a corporate party, you wake up in an apartment unknown man, (or women). He (or she) snores terribly, even if you shoot or cut you, you don’t remember how you ended up here. You have a terrible hangover. In what part of the city you are, you imagine vaguely. It's cold outside, there's no money in your wallet, your cell phone is about to run out of power, and you have a chance to make one single call. Who will you call?
It’s good if there is such a person in your life, because this is a real, faithful, devoted friend, you should cherish such a person.
And there is something in between. But in concept of "friendship" must include three main components:
- Confidence.(- Oh! My bra strap bounced off, fasten it, please! - Yes, now. Oh! It’s also twisted on you!)
- Sincerity.(- My married man is calling for fishing again! - What a bastard! What are you ?!)
- And common interests.(- Look what a cat! - Nya !!!)
In a relationship between a man and a woman, or even a guy and a girl, in which there is trust, sincerity and community of interests, it will not do without a spark. sexual desire, and the ensuing fire of love. Will it reach the even warm flame of stable love relationship this time will tell. But the spark will definitely sparkle.
Social "no"
Let's see what kind of relationship there is between a man and a woman. The very first and farthest level is business partnerships.
A case from one's life:
One winter, on the night of December 30-31, my kitchen faucet exploded. And a fountain of boiling water hit the ceiling with a powerful jet. All that I was able to shut off the common valve and stay on the eve of the new year without hot water. No dishes to wash, no Olivier to prepare, but just wash how?
The next morning, at that hour, when somewhere far in the east New Year I was already walking around the country, I called a familiar plumber. So, they say, and so, guard, help out.
And what did you think? Instead of deservedly, with a clear conscience, "cut" into a salad, my plumber came, brought a new tap, did everything - saved my holiday.
What prompted my knight of the sparkling toilet bowl to this romantic and noble act was by no means personal sympathy. During the past year, I repeatedly supplied him with large, well-paid orders. Helping me in a difficult extraordinary situation is a guarantee of future loyalty and continued mutually beneficial cooperation.
No friendship - purely business relationship.
The next closest stage is the relationship of work colleagues, fellow students and other “comrades in misfortune”. Here, in addition to business mutual assistance and common tasks, there is also a community of interests.
Both colleagues and fellow students are always people belonging to the same social, age group. They listen to the same music, love the same films, understand each other in small things. Together they work on projects, or wait for a paycheck, or hide from their boss. The students are preparing for the session together, washing the bones for the deans. This is the most fertile ground for tying closer relationships.
And how much good movies filmed about office romances"?! Mmm…
And it is at this moment that the phenomenon of pseudo "friendship" between men and women, or future men and women, is formed.
Why "pseudo"?
Sexual "no"
This world is ruled by a god named "Sex". And blind are those who do not notice his omnipresent rule.
No matter how your personal life V this moment what religious or social norms you would not adhere to. In our enlightened age, it is foolish to deny that sexual energy is the main engine of the social personality.
And whether you use it for its intended purpose, sublimate or suppress it, is your choice. And I will repeat the words of one well-known Russian psychologist: "We all want someone."
Sexuality is an integral characteristic of a person, and for everyone its parameters are unique. Sexuality is not model appearance, and not the timbre of the voice. People fall in love with photos, commas and emojis after a sloppy “nya!”. After reading Mr. Darcy's letter, Elizabeth Benet "squashed and puffed up" for the rest of her life.
Even math equations and spaceships can be sexy.
Scientists have calculated in what sequence the process of recognizing another goes. First of all, the brain establishes gender, after whole fractions of a second it recognizes age, and at the very end information about social status is formed.
An interesting exception is a certain mental category "child". For prepubertal children, the brain uses a sexless definition. Specifying for himself a boy or a girl only after determining social status this little man.
Neither men nor women are able to abstract from this information. Someone may like or dislike someone, arouse sexual interest or not.
Boys and girls can communicate in common companies, have a good time and remain just classmates. Approach and move away, look closely, look closely - choose in one word.
But if for the second year Petya has been going to the cinema only with Olya, they are still “just friends”. This means that Petya has already chosen, but Olya has not yet. Or the reverse situation when Olya's friend Katya, always arranging collective gatherings or parties, never forgets to personally invite and remind Petya of them three times, and he never calls her back himself and always asks if Olya will come. "We choose, we are chosen."
Student "friendship" is a necessary measure. It's easier for older people. It is enough for Maxim Viktorovich just once, as if by chance, to linger, and then unexpectedly offer to bring Marina Vasilievna. And by the end of this half hour trip, they'll both know for sure whether they'll go on a real date or not.
Thirty-year-old “girls” living “in big cities” have some kind of conditional “third date” after which it seems like it’s already possible, and no three years of “friendship” for you.
Psychological "no"
Why are poor students forced to "just be friends"?
The answer is sad and simple - our society is extremely infantile. Whether it's good or bad, it's how it is. Biologically already in adolescence human bodies grow and mature. We are ready!
Ready to have sex, give birth to children, create their own own families. And in principle, even without any secondary education, a girl, in principle, can cook herself, clean the apartment, do laundry - to play the role of a wife and mother, she has all the possibilities for this. And the guys at this age are already strong enough to, for example, chop wood or fill up a mammoth.
Another thing is that our society does not hunt by killing mammoths today.
The social border of growing up has been shifted by as much as 10-15 years. Society recognizes as ready to create a family, and therefore approved by it regular sex only people from 25 years old. With higher or secondary special education, military service behind, but better with a stable, well-paid job and your own apartment, please!
That is, in adolescence we already can (and the guys also really, really, really want to) and only at 25-30 do we have a social right.
Poor, we are poor, what we just do not occupy ourselves in anticipation of magical social permission. Exists folk wisdom“Whatever the child amuses, if only she does not become pregnant.”
Different psychological approaches have their own scale of relationship development, but the essence is the same: Acquaintance - Rapprochement - Grinding - First conflict - Grinding - Second conflict - Grinding - Third conflict .... - Conflict # N - Breakup
All relationships experience an endless chain of conflicts, and one of them will certainly end. And what will it be: the first date, meeting the parents, the first sex, the birth of a child, betrayal or death of one of the spouses after for long years happy life together- It depends on the couple.
That very "pioneer" friendship may simply be an unresolved conflict stretched out in time because of the boundaries established by society.
Facing love triangle, social inequality, poor-quality sex thirty-year-olds, as a rule, solve everything faster. I want - I don't want, I will - I won't.
And for twenty-year-olds, the situation can drag on and on, until a diploma and final exams. A adulthood one way or another, everything quickly puts in its place.
And finally...
To be honest, it was the other way around for me. student years I was very "married". She cooked borscht, ironed jeans, moved with her husband from apartment to apartment, then from one parent, then from another, sorted out a lot of relationships and all that.
But when real reality in the form of work, wages and business relations broke into my life. It was a real "conflict" which led to the rupture of a fairly strong relationship before that.
Student marriages, like student friendships, are just a saying. Story ahead!
Psychologist of the Center for Communication and Development "AIRO",
Lydia Grigorieva
Ask your questions * to the psychologist and send by mail [email protected]
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For those who are in a hurry to quickly find out the answer to this question - yes, definitely yes. Any dictionary, any encyclopedia defines friendship as mutual sympathy based on trust and common interests, without any mention of the gender differences of friends.
Why, in principle, such a question arises - can a boy and a girl, a boy and a girl, a man and a woman be friends? Here, of course, generally accepted views on the relationship of the sexes play an important role. And, although the difference between friendship and love is obvious, friends of different sexes often have to literally defend their relationship, almost make excuses for them.
However, love does not exclude friendly relations between loving people. On the contrary, friendship without love is quite possible, but love without it is extremely rare. It is, rather, love and relationships based on it are unlikely to be durable. Another significant difference that friendship, unlike love, can only be mutual. You can love a person unrequitedly all your life, but you can’t be friends in “ unilaterally". I must say that with age, the attitude towards friendship changes noticeably both in the eyes of others and in the eyes of friends.
You can conditionally break heterosexual friendship into age intervals:
- between a boy and a girl;
- between a boy and a girl;
- between man and woman.
Friendship between a boy and a girl
Probably, many remember their first "kindergarten" "love". Yes, oddly enough, kids tend to call friendship between a boy and a girl exclusively "love." They see generally accepted norms relationships in the adult world and endure them outside to myself.
The little boy knows certain rules behavior towards a girl - girls need to be protected, girls need to give in. And then there is one that you want to protect more than the rest. I want to play with her because she is cool, she is not afraid to pick up a worm on a walk and knows everything about Spider-Man.
By the way, he will most likely consider this girl the most beautiful. And he confidently says to his parents at home: “I will marry her!” Of course, this is friendship. It’s just that the kid still doesn’t know other ways to “fix” these relationships, doesn’t know that you can be friends with a girl, like with a boy - no one has explained this to him yet.
At an older age, boys and girls are already able to share the concepts of friendship and love, and it would seem that everything should be simple here. But... But then the period of growing up begins and the awareness of sexuality with all the “charms” interferes with friendly relationships adolescence both physiological and psychological. If at this moment a teenage boy has a girlfriend - “his boyfriend” or a growing girl has a friend - “ best girlfriend", they are very lucky, because they get "their man" in a completely incomprehensible, but such interesting world-the world of the opposite sex, "completely different" people.
boy + girl = friends
Adolescence slowly (or not very slowly) turns into youth. And friendship again endures the test - a period begins when almost every representative of the opposite sex is subconsciously perceived and evaluated as a possible "couple". But it’s also easier to evaluate your feelings more and more objectively over time, it’s already easier to separate friendships from love, attraction. And the phrase "we're just friends" comes a lot easier. I must say that often in friendly relations at this time there is also sex. No matter how it looks from the "conventional point of view", sex often brings such friends even closer, makes the relationship even more trusting and warm. But only if both of them clearly understand that the relationship between them is precisely of a friendly nature. If not, the friendship comes to an end, because one of the friends is now waiting for something more. Nothing can hurt a friendship more than unjustified expectations, jealousy and addiction.
friend zone
There is such a thing as "friend zone". This is just the case when one loves, and the second is "friends." The situation is not pleasant, but quite natural. If both respect each other's feelings, and the “friend” does not try to manipulate the “lover”, if both, so to speak, “follow the rules of the game”, sincere and faithful friendship survive this too. It is much worse when a "friend" begins to simply use "loving", enjoying the power over another person. Of course, this situation has nothing to do with friendship. And for someone who has fallen into the friend zone, there is only one way out - to think about whether such a person is worth devotion and by any means to break out of this relationship. It hurts, it's difficult, but it's necessary - in this case, friendship can no longer be returned, but there will be no love, this is a dead end of relationships.
Friendship between a man and a woman
With age, as statistics show, the number of men who believe in friendship between a man and a woman decreases, while women, on the contrary, increase. Adults no longer have to justify themselves and explain themselves to anyone. Their experience gives them the right to decide for themselves with whom and how to build relationships. In addition, they are no longer so focused on the subconscious search for a couple, because, firstly, many have already found her, and secondly, they already know exactly who they need. Family friendship is one such example of a relationship between a man and a woman, because often in such cases husbands are even more friends with the wives of their friends and vice versa.
In general, friendship between a man and a woman is one of the strongest and most psychologically rich types of relationships. Mutual assistance and mutual understanding are developed in such a scheme, perhaps even more than in "purely masculine" or "purely feminine." And this is not surprising - after all, this is the friendship of people who have a lot in common and at the same time they are completely different.
One of the most typical phrases that can occur repeatedly during your “strong” relationship sounds something like this: “We are just friends with him / her!”. The conflict is brewing after one of you discovered photos and correspondence of your soul mate with another mysterious person. As part of the eternal demagogy about the existence of friendship between a man and a woman, TER has identified 7 signs by which you can determine that you are really just friends.
Golden Rule: You are not sexually attracted to each other
And you can’t imagine yourself in the most passionate and ardent plexuses even before going to bed. You have a good time talking, you can do without an abundance of physical contact between you. Otherwise, is it worth remembering the sweet comedy with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis and its happy ending?
At parties and get-togethers, you do not arrange sexual and "innocent" games
Joking, having fun, drinking, and then snoring on the same cot, but not kissing and making out around every corner in honor of your great and strong fraternal relations. In the morning, none of you with a clear conscience says that "this does not mean anything, just as a friend."
Everyone pays for himself
Nobody cancels those situations when one of you in your own way financial position was on a par with a starving child from Africa. Out of friendship, you can feed, drink and borrow 23 rubles for travel, but this should not become a habit or obligation. No one is telling you to become a nasty curmudgeon, it's just that everyone has to rely on their own budget.
Treat appropriately love affairs each other
This means that you can discuss with peace of mind personal relationships, give advice and understand all this romantic mess. You don't get jealous or compare yourself to his/her new crush, saying in your heart that the two of you "would still be a much more harmonious couple". And how could one even stare at such a frog when there is a beautiful and sexy friend nearby?
Don't try to look like you're on the cover of a fashion magazine
He hasn't shaved in a week and is overgrown like a bigfoot, she hasn't washed her hair or made up since yesterday. They went out to evening walk just to talk and spend time together. That's what friends do. And they don’t go to meet each other as if they had just fallen out from under the conveyor of a beauty salon, in the most magnificent clothes from their wardrobe. You are not ashamed to seem funny, ugly or a little shabby, because in friendship this is not the main thing.
Be okay with your friend's orientation, whatever it may be
Your friendship is built on the same strong, sincere and trusting relationship like any other. Not because you are trying to help your friend believe in heterosexual happiness with your help.
Do not try all the time to seem better than you really are.
You are friends who will communicate in spite of all the troubles, and not potential partners. Therefore, do not be afraid to express your opinion as it is, and in some places, show your capricious character.
Is there friendship between a guy and a girl? Some believe that such relationships will sooner or later develop into something more, while others are sure that gender differences cannot become an obstacle to true friendship. In fact, both points of view are valid, and we will tell you why! More interesting articles on the Girls website!
You are friends with a guy from kindergarten, you know all his secrets. And girlfriends don't believe that you're just friends.
They don't believe that you never wanted to cross the line of communication based on common interests followed by something else. What do you yourself think? Are you closing your eyes to his secret crush on you?
Friendly relations between a guy and a girl: the opinion of psychologists
Psychologists agree that for a pure 100% friendship, it is necessary that the guy and the girl feel their equality and have similar interests. In words, everything is simple, but what problem can arise here? Girls sometimes want to feel their defenselessness. And the guys, in turn, like to show masculinity and strength.
Friendship between a guy and a girl can be like walking on thin ice. You never know when you can fall headlong into deep feelings.
Friendship between a guy and a girl: when something more is hidden behind it
They usually make friends with the person they like. And where there is sympathy, the flame of love can suddenly flare up. Or it has already flared up, but you don't want to admit it for some reason:
Reason #1. Fear
After all, having embarked on the path of love, you are afraid that you will lose friendship with this guy. And I really don't want to lose her. Therefore, you are content with little. You can reason like this: love can end quickly, but you can be friends for a long time. And you prefer not to take risks.
Reason number 3. You are both secretly in love
None of you are showing. Most likely, both of you are afraid of losing your friendship. It's better to have a tit in your hand than a crane in the sky - you justify yourself. But if you take a chance, it may also happen that, holding a tit in one hand, you catch a crane with the other.
The psychology of relations between a guy and a girl: when friendship is still possible
Okay, we already understood that with friendship between a guy and a girl, everything is not easy. Friendship today - love tomorrow, love today - friendship tomorrow. But are there really no options when you can relax and be 100% sure that we are just Good friends. Perhaps not 100%, but 70-80% is still possible. And under what conditions:
If you broke up peacefully - without offense and mutual reproaches.
If none of you already has strong feelings for the other.
If you already have new love(this is desirable).
If you can calmly discuss other guys and girls with each other.
Condition number 1. you already had a relationship
Sometimes former lover manage to make friends. But, of course, with a whole set of conditions:
Condition number 2. Do you have a common hobby?
For example, you made friends in the classroom in some section and your relationship does not go beyond this hobby. As a rule, such communication will be dosed, but such friendship can last for many years. Although there is no guarantee that you will not fall in love with each other, of course, as you understand.
Condition number 3. You know each other from early childhood
If you remember very well how he rushed into kindergarten porridge and hid from the teacher under the bed, it may be difficult for you to look at him with different eyes. Still, love most often flares up when there is some kind of mystery and mystery. But then again, everything happens in life.
So now that we've looked at the basic friendships between a guy and a girl, go through all of your friends of the opposite sex in your mind's eye. What feelings do they really evoke in you? Are you deceiving yourself? When meeting, take a closer look at them. How do they act when they are around you? This analysis will help you understand true motives your friendship.
How do you feel about friendship between a guy and a girl? Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
Do you want to feel more confident? Watch Girls' video on how to get rid of unwanted hairs.
