What is better affection or love. How to determine if it is affection or serious feelings

Many young people mistake affection for love. They don't know how to distinguish these feelings. Some people just think they are the same. In this article, we will look at the distinguishing features of these conditions. You will be able to understand what exactly is taking place in your specific case. Understand what to do if it's attachment.

Substitution of concepts

In films and many fairy tales, love is defined as an emotional state that comes suddenly, forcing a person to do things that are unusual for him. As you get older, you come to understand that given state, in fact, is love, that is, affection, but not love.

IN young age often strong feeling associate with attachment without understanding the difference between the two. The main distinguishing feature of falling in love is building relationships on mutual sexual attraction and passion. If there is no connection in the formed connection common interests between young people, there is no mutual respect, then such relationships will be short-lived.

How to deal with your feelings

Today, more and more often you can meet people who divorced literally a year after the creation of a family. And it’s good if they didn’t have time to have a baby, because he will suffer the most from a divorce. Therefore, it is so important to understand what is in front of you - love or affection.

There are a number of criteria, giving an answer to which, a person will be able to understand whether real feelings take place or is it just love.

What keeps you close to your loved one? If the answer is external data, a figure, then superficial feelings take place. If you understand, you can easily point out his strengths and weaknesses, you know how to evaluate him as a whole person, you perceive him as he is, along with all the shortcomings, then true love takes place.
How many sides of the character of your beloved half can you name? If there is attachment, then there are literally two such traits, and they indicate the superficiality of character. For example, a cool walk, an awesome smile. In the case when there is a real feeling, then the following answers will be relevant: “in Hard time finds words of support", "if he sees that he is not feeling well, he stands at the stove, prepares dinner." It is not so important here how many positive manifestations of the character of your partner you can name, but what exactly these manifestations will be, what is their value for your relationship.
How it all began? If there is love, then the relationship was born on the basis of external factors such as "beautiful eyes", "radiant smile". Love, on the other hand, is born on common interests and grows stronger as you get to know a person, it becomes stronger.
What is your interest? Attachment, as a rule, can either flare up or fade away. In such a situation, the partner often causes irritation, even over trifles. If there is love, then there are deep feelings about his soulmate, a person will not make scandals from the threshold, first he will think about the reasons for his partner's behavior.
Do feelings change? If your partner makes a remark, how do you react to it? Are you angry or trying to change? Of course, it is worth considering the presence of such a character trait as irascibility and irritability for any reason. Then this criterion cannot be fully taken into account.
Attitude towards people around. Love helps to change the outlook on life and the environment. When love takes place, then all the attention of a person is concentrated on the object of his affection, and the people around him become secondary in his eyes. If you have real feelings, relationships with relatives and friends will not suffer. Otherwise, there is love attachment.
What feelings do you visit when you have to part with your loved one? If a person begins to acutely experience a breakup, literally tears his hair out, if the feelings are not real, then over time they will simply fade away.
The frequency of conflicts. Psychologists say that quarrels arise due to the lack of common themes for a conversation. When there is no true love, then in a relationship there is a large number of disagreements, often unfounded. If there are real feelings, then the partners strive to understand each other, make compromises, which allows them to avoid scandal.
Are you benefiting from these relationships? When we are talking about attachment, then a person is necessarily looking for some benefit for himself. This is not always a material benefit, it can also be a desire to brag handsome guy in front of friends.
It is very difficult to part with a loved one. With a person who causes affection - it's easy.
In love, we show concern for a partner. When there is attachment - more selfishness.
Love allows you to be free, has no prohibitions in a relationship. Attachment paralyzes partners.
Love is a lasting feeling. Attachment is temporary.

True love is characterized by the desire to make your partner happy, but also a person does not forget about own needs and feelings.

You don't have to rely too heavily on the above criteria. The situations may vary. For example, a couple in which people really love each other may experience temporary communication difficulties. Partners begin to quarrel, but in just a few days their relationship can improve. Therefore, it is so important to look at the whole situation as a whole, to evaluate everything, both objectively and subjectively.

inexplicable loneliness

There are cases when a person who has a beloved partner still experiences emptiness in his soul, feels loneliness. He feels good next to a person of the opposite sex, calmly, but there is a feeling that something is missing in life. At times, longing comes, then everything normalizes. In such a situation, you need to think about whether the person was next to you. Therefore, it is so important to know how to distinguish love from attachment, as well as from feelings of gratitude.

A person must understand that if he experiences love, he will never be visited by a feeling of loneliness. Real feelings allow a person to find general classes and topics for conversations with your partner. They will never have a feeling of emptiness inside. Undoubtedly, affection can also be present along with love, when people's feelings are tested for years. In a situation where people literally just met yesterday, and today they are already ready to go to the registry office, there can be no talk of true love. It is these couples who experience loneliness after the conclusion of the union.

When you love, you think and care about your partner, there are always topics for conversation, common interests, the desire to make your soul mate happy. Despite the shortcomings, continue to love, respect and appreciate the person. Beloved inspires, encourages self-development, stimulates the desire to become better.

What if, after all, affection

If the realization has come that there is no love now, then the following must be done.

Accept the fact that love allows you to uplift each partner. You deserve more than what you have right now.
Start working on yourself, but only for yourself, for your improvement, and not for the sake of some person.
Appreciate your positive traits and change the flaws.
Develop your abilities, improve yourself.
If the realization comes that this is not the first relationship that hides affection behind love, then it is possible that the time has come to talk to a psychologist. Qualified specialist help determine real reasons why all relationships with people of the opposite sex do not develop into serious feelings.

Now you know the difference between love and attachment. If the realization has come that the feelings experienced for a partner are not real, then it's time to think about whether they are needed at all, whether you are wasting your time in vain. If there is hope that the situation can be completely changed, then you should try to do it, especially if close person very expensive.

For many young girls the desire to experience true love become almost the goal of a lifetime. Of course, over time, this desire subsides somewhat, but while the age is young, many people want to know how to distinguish love from affection?

Substitution of concepts

In many fairy tales and films, love is positioned with emotional state, which comes suddenly and makes a person do things that were previously unusual for him. With age comes the understanding that such a state can rather be called love or affection, but not a cherished word.

Young people often confuse these two concepts, because affection is somewhat, but similar to love.
But if you understand it better, then the real feeling is not built on passion and mutual sexual attraction. If under all this there is no mutual respect and even the slightest common interest, then such relations will not last long. It's not for nothing that they say that love lives for three years.

But in fact, this expression is more applicable just to attachment. Therefore, it is so important to understand what is between you: love or affection.

How to understand what you are experiencing?

Today it is not uncommon for young people to marry and then file for divorce a year later. And it’s good if during this time a child has not appeared in such a family, because children suffer the most from divorce. And it's great if between a couple they remain friendly relations, but it could also be the other way around.

Therefore, it is important to understand how and how love differs from attachment, so as not to take a rash step. Actually, it's not that hard to do.

There are several criteria, answering which you can already understand what binds people - true love or just affection (obligations, habit, etc.). And before listing them, I would like to focus on one important point- in order to really understand whether this is love or affection, each criterion should be approached objectively.

All moments should be taken into account, and not selectively.

So, let's start the evaluation of feelings:

What keeps near a loved one? If the main focus is on external data, for example, a figure or face, then this is definitely nothing more than superficial emotions. But when one understands inner world his partner, without hesitation, can name the strengths or weaknesses of the CHARACTER, then there is already an assessment of the beloved as a person. At the same time, a person is accepted as he is, with all his shortcomings, only then can it be called deep, sincere feeling. Although in the second case, external parameters play an important role, but as they say: “ If you are not ashamed to go out with your "monster" to people, then this is a real feeling.»;
How many character traits can you name in your half? If this is affection, then the guy / girl usually calls 2-3 features, and they have a “superficial” character. For example, stunning smile or beautiful walk. But these are not criteria. If a person experiences "magic feelings", then he can say that his loved one always finds words of support in a difficult moment or after a difficult one. labor day stands at the stove or at the sink, so that his half can rest. In fact, everyday life has always helped to test people's feelings. It is important not only to find these qualities, but also to understand whether they are really attractive and have value for the relationship;
And what was at the very beginning? Habits or attachments arise almost instantly, for them there are enough external factors (smiles, figures, beautiful eyes etc.). But as regards wonderful feeling, then it arises against the background of common interests. The more we get to know a person, the more we become attached to him. Of course, judging objectively, one can say that superficial emotions become the basis for a more serious feeling. But whether one develops into the other, it all depends on many factors;
How serious interest? Attachment, like a sublime feeling, tends to flare up and fade away. This is based on the fact that such a fickle feeling does not have a deep response in the soul, so people can often get annoyed with each other even over trifles. But love is more profound. A loving person, before making a scandal, will think about the motives for the behavior of his half: why did he act one way or another, and did he have a choice;
To what extent does the feeling make you change? To understand the difference between these two states, it is worth evaluating yourself objectively. The person you love does
remark and what is the reaction here? Of course, you should not discount the character, because there are people who absolutely do not know how to admit their mistakes and shortcomings. But if there is a sincere interest in the relationship, then the person forces himself to change. In addition, a real feeling inspires and inspires. A loving person, inspired by such a feeling, is ready to perform millions of tasks and does not even notice his fatigue;
Attitude towards others. Love doesn't blind. It helps to re-evaluate your outlook on life. The lover, on the other hand, concentrates all his attention on the object of affection, while the people around him become “secondary”, which often causes quarrels and conflicts. Real feelings should not interfere with the development of relationships with others - friends and relatives. It is impossible for a person to become an addiction, because of which the whole world loses its meaning;
What feelings overwhelm the soul when you have to part with your loved one? Of course, separation, even if not for long, is always marked by sadness. But if a person begins to tear his hair out and falls into depression, because of this, then it is already abnormal. The difference between love and such attachment-dependence is that a person must adequately assess situations. In addition, it is worth looking at it from the other side: distance is a great opportunity to test feelings. After all, if the relationship is superficial, then soon everything will fade away and people will realize that they are not made for each other;
The frequency of conflicts. Psychologists note the moment that a quarrel is compensation for the lack of common topics for conversation. Attachment is always accompanied by a huge amount of disagreement, and it is not necessary that there is a good reason for quarrels. Otherwise, the couple seeks to understand each other, which is why they make mutually beneficial concessions. Accordingly, this avoids scandals;
Personal assessment of the relationship. It is not in vain that there is such an expression that where there is love, there are no possessions of “I”, there is only “WE”. If a person constantly talks about himself, then this is attachment, and when he thinks for both, then it is more deep state. But here it is very a fine line between caring and despotism. It is impossible to constantly decide for your soulmate, otherwise there is a risk of suppressing her personality. And this can sooner or later lead to a break in relations;
Is there any benefit in these relationships? Falling in love, like love, is always based on some kind of benefit. It can be not only the material side, but selfish. For example, you have handsome man, so let all the girlfriends envy you.

True love differs from false feelings in that, first of all, you try to make your partner happy, “ and if he's good, then I'm fine».

Is it love or just affection?

Almost all of us have friends who jump from relationship to relationship, and each time they assure that they "absolutely and unconditionally love."

For those of us who have been out of relationships for longer than the duration of their several relationships combined, it is completely incomprehensible how someone could "love" so many people at once. Let's be honest. This is not love. It's the fear of being alone. So right?

Yes and no. It's all about how we feel.

But what if our senses are deceiving us? All of a sudden we're just fucking scared of being alone, so anyone who gives us slightest feeling security and comfort, immediately passes for a kindred spirit?

Do you know that insight when, after a few months after a breakup, it becomes difficult to believe that you even said these three magic words to someone with whom today you would not even want to be around?

And it's impossible to understand how I could love someone so ridiculous? Someone so unsuitable? So superficial?

Well, it just wasn't love. It was affection.

I don't know for sure if your true love is or if it's a relationship for the sake of a relationship, but I can show you a few. overall indicators. These are the nuances to point out to a friend when he or she seems to be getting too attached to a one-night stand.

Because you certainly would not want to attend a wedding where one of the newlyweds would say “he / she is always there” as the reason for the event. And if you doubt the motives of your own love, just go over these 6 points to determine if your efforts are worth the time invested.

1. Love is passion, attachment is indifference.

This is about breakup behavior. They say that the feeling closest to love is a feeling of hatred, which is why after a break, all that beautiful, sincere love turns into rage and passionate, unaccountable hatred.

When you are just attached to a person, you will never get so angry. You will be overwhelmed by anxiety or irritation, but these anxious feelings will not lead you to something as strong and meaningful as real hatred.

2. Love is unconditional, attachment is self-centered.

When you love, all your thoughts are devoted to this person. For the first time in their lives, someone else's needs come before yours.

The only reason you buy a new bed is because you now have someone to share it with. Everything you do for your partner has a little to do with your satisfaction.

3. Love is difficult, attachment is difficult only when you are not together.

True love is not easy. You think it must be easy because love is so pure and beautiful, but anything significant and life-changing takes effort. You must help grow and strengthen relationships.

As far as attachment is concerned, there is nothing to cultivate. All attention is focused only on how often you can see each other during the week.

You need this person just as much as you need help. These relationships do not grow, bloom, or take other forms. As with the action of a drug, the “arrival” is short-lived, and sooner or later you will “let go”.

4. Love is freedom, attachment is a prison.

When you're in love, you don't need to keep your eyes on the person all the time to feel safe. You don't need to be close to the person to understand how they feel. You will never doubt the reciprocal love of this person and will not suffer from jealousy.

When you are attached, you do not have a real understanding of the partner's feelings, because you can only be normal in his direct presence. When you are not together, you cannot get rid of the obsession with how and with whom he / she can spend time.

If that person is also only attached to you, doesn’t this mean that it doesn’t really matter to him who to attach to?

5. Love expands the boundaries, affection - drives into the framework.

Nothing in this life can inspire such a sense of one's own omnipotence as true love. It gives a completely new understanding of freedom, renews and energizes. You are alive - and ready to conquer the world.

Attachment turns into a banal struggle for power. You constantly need confirmation of your worth. Everything should be under your control and the original “handcuff keys” are always in your hands.

6. Love is eternal, attachment is temporary.

When you love - truly love - it is forever. Relationship or not, this person will forever remain the love of your life.

It won't work with attachment. Attachment has an expiration date, and parting is only a matter of time. Attachment is fake, it is like being forgotten compared to sincere love.

Someday one of the partners in such a pair may meet his true love, and all this affection will dissipate as quickly as it once formed.

True love cannot be weakened, it stays with us forever.

Translation by Bright Side

What's in the article:

Often people confuse two completely different concepts - love and affection. Quite rarely in life it happens that both feelings are experienced for one person. Most often, people mistake affection for love. These strong emotions make you take care of loved ones, listen to their desires and needs. Not everyone knows how to distinguish love from affection and sometimes lives life with unloved person without even knowing it.

Love is not what it seems

Some people dream of love, which will bring a storm of emotions and physical pleasures into their lives, while others are waiting for warmth, care and tenderness.

The idea of what love should be is laid in our heads in childhood. We see how dad gives mom flowers with or without him. We read romantic books about pure, eternal love. Our relatives get married or get married and look very happy. Thus, there is an idealization of this feeling. On the one hand, this is good, the concept of family values. But it happens that not getting what they want, severely disappointed, people fall into depression and forever stop believing in love.

In fact, love is work, physical and emotional. Partners must make equal efforts to build truly real strong relationships. You need to learn to listen to each other, empathize with failures and rejoice in the victories of your chosen one, be able to be silent together, and when necessary, shout. You need to learn to accept loved ones as they are, to be able to support in difficult moments and forgive their weaknesses.

Sometimes it is difficult for us to understand our own feelings and emotions. It seems that here he is, the person with whom you want to live your whole life, with whom you want to fall asleep and wake up. But something interferes, for some reason there are constant quarrels, misunderstandings. Maybe we just can't tell love from human affection, wishful thinking.

Differences between love and affection

Much has been said about love over and over again. By this feeling it is customary to understand disinterested care that brings joy and peace to the one who gives it. This is an increased interest in the object of desire.

Love attachment is a special psychological dependence on the person to whom love is felt. hallmark attachments from love are the constant suffering experienced by an addicted person. But some enjoy such torments without thinking of themselves outside this state.

If a loved one for some reason is not around and this causes pain, then in such cases they speak of an unhealthy attachment. There are people who have been deprived of freedom by such feelings. In psychology, this phenomenon is called addiction.

How to recognize attachment?

Attachment is a feeling that is based on mutual sympathy and the habit of two people to be near each other. Man is a creature that is very easily attached to various animate and inanimate objects. Thus, as required subject may perform:

comfortable apartment;
old slippers;
cat or dog;
a mug from which you always drink;
favorite chair and much more.

When attachment is normal, it can bring only positive emotions into your life. But when control over the state of things is lost, a sick attachment arises.

Often there are couples who live under the same roof and at the same time suffer and experience some discomfort. But for some unknown reason, even they remain together. This happens because of the fear of being alone or the fear of not meeting true love, in any case, such attachment is considered unhealthy. Psychologists identify several ways to help distinguish attachment from love:

Selfish "I". In such couples, everyone builds relationships, starting only from their personal preferences, not taking into account the desires and feelings of the partner. Often in the words one hears: “I want!”, “I thought!”, “I decided!”. This should not be. When people truly love each other, they decide everything together and their relationship is built on respect.
Pink glasses. You are not able to recognize the weak or unsightly traits of your chosen one. In these relationships, partners see only strengths character, positive qualities. In love, the opposite is true, we are ready to accept our soul mate as he is, with all his shortcomings and vices.
Waiting for change. Are you waiting for your partner to treat you differently or his character to change in better side, at the same time, without making the slightest effort to become better yourself.
Bloating out of molehills. When a relationship is sparse in the manifestation of love and tenderness, every minor disagreement will result in drama. You will start complaining about him to your friends or work colleagues behind your partner's back. This does not happen in true love. Loving people do not humiliate, do not insult each other in public.

inexplicable loneliness

It happens that it seems like a loved one is happy and everything is fine, but in the soul there is an incredible emptiness. It’s good with him, calmly, but the feeling that something is missing does not leave him. From time to time, melancholy rolls in, then lets go, and so on endlessly. In such cases, it is worth considering: “Is your loved one really nearby? Is this your person? You need to try to distinguish love from nascent attachment, so as not to suffer all your life.

In love, people do not experience feelings of loneliness. Their soul is calm and does not crave new sensations. You will always have something to do with your loved one, something to talk about, where to go. There will never be a spiritual void.

Of course, there is no love without affection, but this only works if feelings have been tested for years. When you, having met a person, are immediately ready to follow him to the ends of the world, this is not love.

It rarely happens that a fleeting love develops into a strong, true love. It depends on the individual characteristics a person, and most often the saying “be patient - fall in love” works. But it also happens when one of the partners does his best to hide the feeling of love living in the heart, passing it off as affection.

When people experience real sincere emotions, they strive to make their chosen one happy. They are far from indifferent to what their beloved ate, how he dressed, whether he had time to relax at lunchtime, how things are going at work, how his favorite team played.

Lovers never resort to blackmail, do not try to take a leading position in a relationship. They do not argue on everyday topics, do not follow their loved ones, do not eavesdrop telephone conversations. In couples that are built on love and mutual respect, mutual understanding and peace reign.

Signs of true love

If you are still wondering how to distinguish love from affection, then it is worth remembering a few simple signs.

The first of these is thoughts about a loved one. In moments of affection, people also tend to constantly think about the object of desire. Most often, these are thoughts about a possible future or pleasant memories of shared moments. Love brings thoughts of a different plane. Lovers think about not causing problems to their second rug: they warn about possible delays from work or if you are late for a meeting.
Second hallmark love from banal affection is an analysis of communication with the chosen one. If you really love each other, then you always have something to talk about, you can do it for hours on various topics.
The third feature is based on folk wisdom, which says that loving people strive to deliver boundless happiness to their soul mates. Without these aspirations to present it tender feeling impossible.
Another sign is inspiration. A person experiencing love tries to be better, to change, to strive for success.
Another secret of love is hidden in the fact that, even knowing all the shortcomings of a person, we still continue to love, appreciate and respect him.

If, having analyzed all the presented signs of love, you realized that you feel affection for your chosen one, what to do in similar situation?

Of course, you can continue to live on, relying only on the habit of being together. But there is a better option - try to love your chosen one, give him freedom, take care of yourself, come up with yourself interesting hobby or hobby. Maybe it will help bring a lot of new things into your life. positive emotions and moments.

Hello dear readers! Have you ever loved someone hopelessly? It happened that friends convinced that you were not a couple, and deep down you understood this. Nevertheless, there was no strength to give up feelings. And yet, it was worth breaking off the relationship, how after a week did you stop remembering the bad experience and the same person? Today we will talk about the difference between love and affection.

This is very important question. It is easy to confuse a bright feeling that ends in marriage (albeit after many years) with a habit that prevents you from living on.

Love does not know the word selfishness

If now you're thinking, “Yeah, that's where she/he got caught! She / he doesn’t feel anything for me, you bastard!”, then most likely you don’t feel a bright feeling.

If you truly love, you don't care what is there and who experiences it. You are happy every day simply from the fact that they call you, write, pay attention. As many as possible. At the beginning of a relationship, there are no tantrums and mutual claims. In the future, a loving person tries to restrain himself, find his own ways to improve, not swear over trifles.

People begin to exist together so that life is happier, better and easier. Lovers do not try to accuse each other of all mortal sins, find evidence or other reasons for taking out the brain.

Lovers don't fight?

“There are no couples who never yell at each other,” you might think, and you will be absolutely right. But here's the difference. If you are attached to a person, then the main reason for scandals will be the absence of a “beloved”: he didn’t come at the appointed time, at work, pays little. Such dependence quickly lets go, as soon as a person does not appear before his eyes for a week.

In love, everything is more difficult. Everyone has different characters and coexisting together is not an easy job. As a rule, the second person wants to improve his half: to make it more feminine (masculine), economic, responsible, and so on.
Those who experience strong emotions and "pour" them on a partner may be trying to make coexistence more acceptable. They do not wait until the loved one understands everything and thinks it out. If this doesn't happen, they don't walk silently into the sunset. People fight for their relationship the best they know how, most often by shouting or boring speeches.

Such attempts rarely work. Over time, loving people come to the conclusion that it is difficult to change their neighbor, and the absence of scandals is much more expensive. "Well, I didn't wash it in Once again dishes, well, okay”, “Well, I didn’t call back, although I promised - I don’t care.” Attempts stop or anger is replaced by calm conversations. Works "lack of selfishness in love." Those who reach this model of behavior achieve a lot in relationships, but you need to live up to it.

Love is freedom

Addiction creates a prison, puts handcuffs on a person. You will never find "adult" relationships in which jealousy reigns. If a girl or young man is constantly looking into the phone, resisting meetings with friends, family, strangers and trying to capture everything free time- it's just an addiction.

There are very jealous people. One partner provokes, the other does not even try to restrain himself. No one dares to take the first step towards breaking this vicious circle. Everyone looks towards the partner. Then feelings can help. The only right decision is that the jealous man more calmly “allows” his partner to live his life, and he, in turn, softens the impact of this fact on nervous system loving fool.

In love, jealous people become more self-confident, and their other halves are more attentive to the “lack” of their beloved.

Addiction passes, feelings never

The habit disappears quickly. There are no irreplaceable people, but there are unforgettable ones. You may not see the object of your adoration for years, but remember it. In the end, love always wins and you find each other. There is nothing wrong with this. You have made a choice, but you may not be ready to be together.

Each person has their own requirements for a partner, and perhaps some of them you are not yet able to understand. For change to occur, you need to gain experience or experience some kind of significant event.
For example, a partner believes that immediately after marriage, it is necessary to start conception. But neither you nor he himself to this yet. Your time has not come.

If people do the right thing at the wrong time, they are doomed to failure and pain.

Any joyful episode can become critical for a relationship and lead to a break for even more long term if the action was taken at the wrong time.
Don't be afraid to break up if you're in love. "Yours" will not get away from you!

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