Consumer attitude. Consumer relations

In his teaching practice I had many times to deal with the fact that children and adolescents develop exclusively consumer attitude literally everything in life. At home, parents must provide him with everything he wants. At school, teachers must give him all the knowledge, even if he does not want it. And even getting a job, these individuals, who are still nothing of themselves, claim the highest salary, and simply do not agree to a lower one. As workers, they are also quite problematic, because they never process anything superfluous, but they love to receive money.

I once did a summer renovation of a high school class. Several guys from this same class were given to help me. Summer renovations involve full wall plastering, whitewashing, painting, wallpapering, and more. In a word - a major overhaul. So, when we began to take out the furniture, we found mountains of garbage and dust behind it. This is not surprising, small animals could start up in a year, which, fortunately, did not happen here. Scooping up all this rubbish, the guys somehow grimaced in disgust and hinted that it would be nice for someone to keep track of this so that so much garbage does not accumulate. I then told them something like this: “This is your class, who else should have followed it, if not you?” They looked at me with a surprised expression on their faces, saying, “do we need it?”. Well, except that they didn’t twist a finger at the temple. I had to explain to them in a popular way, with details, that a consumer attitude to life will not lead to anything good. That no one is obliged to do anything to them, that no one will remake this world except themselves. And if everyone brushes aside and "translates arrows", then the world will fall apart altogether. After such an explanation, I mentioned that I myself do this work not for the school, not for me to be paid a salary for it, but first of all for myself, so that it would be easier to breathe in this class, so that one fine moment I would not collapsed a piece of the wall and so on. My arguments had an effect, I convinced them, and we performed that repair “perfectly well”.

Too often we ourselves are to blame for the fact that children and adolescents develop a consumer attitude towards life. We do not allow them to take the initiative, we do not even allow them to express their opinion. Meanwhile, children and adolescents are full members of the community and have not only duties, but also rights that must also be taken into account. A person deprived of the right to vote, the right to create, becomes infantile. Moreover, often this infantilism, lack of independence persists for many years. He cannot defend his point of view, cannot do anything on his own, make a decision, he remains forever " sissy". Gender doesn't matter here, it's just the most traditional phrase.

Only when a teenager is given the opportunity, on an equal basis with adults, to solve some problems, do their best work and accept direct participation in the life of the team, he will feel like a full member of it and will no longer treat others as consumers. This applies not only to the property of the class, school, but in general to everything that a person encounters in the course of his life. Here in Soviet years there were pioneer and Komsomol organizations that were abolished after the dissolution of the party. Now they are trying to create something similar. Meanwhile, the pioneer (scout) movements are not an invention of Soviet political technologists, but an American historical tradition. We have in last years All Soviet power good traditions turned into the purest formalism. That is why the current generation, which is brought up by former pioneers and Komsomol members, has developed a formal attitude, or, simply put, complete indifference to everything that is happening around.

Fighting this is not only possible, but also necessary in order to save our children from disappointment in life, from cynicism and indifference, and, by and large, from inability to live. the main task teacher - not to allow a consumer attitude, to inspire students with the idea that there are no other people's problems, that there are only problems that someone does not want to solve. And there is nothing shameful in the fact that a student is interested in the problems of the teaching staff, school-wide problems, and not just personal well-being. Such interest should be welcomed and encouraged, and not nipped in the bud, as is most often done. Perhaps, in the person of this or that student, the teaching staff will acquire a reliable partner and assistant, and in the future, a colleague. This happens literally at every step, and the teaching staff as a whole and each teacher individually should think carefully about this.

We consume so many different things: useful and useless, high-quality and low-quality. We are aiming for a gradual increase in the level of consumption. We are increasingly buying new cars, wardrobe items, jewelry, Cell phones, computers and much more.

The production of new goods is developing at a rapid pace. The frequency of release of new models, brands, brands, accessories is accelerating. Everything new is presented as the best and highest quality, advertised and promoted with large financial investments.

In the subconscious of people, through advertising technologies, installation programs are introduced that cause a desire to purchase the advertised product. There are a huge number of such manipulations, we just got used to them and do not pay attention, do not analyze, do not think.

As a result, the level of consumption is growing, and the accounts of companies in banks are increasing - everything is going its own way. But this cannot go on forever, because the resources of the planet are far from unlimited.

Modern man is accustomed to being in constant expectation of getting something new, of high quality. We buy phones, but often without even using them for a year, we exchange them for more advanced ones, throwing out the old ones. We crave to receive pleasure from the outside, through the acquisition of material things. And thus we begin to destroy ourselves internally.

We begin to sacrifice full communication with own child to keep a profitable job. We begin to envy our neighbors who have a more modern car. And some people, in order to keep up with the latest innovations, even go to the destruction of the law. The consumer attitude to life, which is cultivated by modern society, leads to a gradual impoverishment of the soul, a decrease in love in the heart, and degradation.

How to get rid of the consumer attitude

How to recover from the consumer attitude?

In fact, everything is very simple: you just need to remember that the spiritual should always be higher and more important than the material. And remembering, we will see the actions that are necessary to restore the lost.

These are actions for the gradual introduction of the spiritual into life: prayer, Holy Bible, church. This is the very thing that our ancestors knew well even before the times of the USSR, but was lost during the years of atheism. There is only one thing left - to start acting!

Today, the problem of consumer relations between people is very relevant for our society. After all, it is hardly possible to find such a person who would never encounter such a phenomenon in his life. Some people had to experience the consumer attitude. And it hardly gave them pleasure. Others simply observed such relationships from the outside. But all of them can hardly admit that sometimes they play the role of consumers in the eyes of others and close people. After all, it is quite difficult to understand this. Typically, this is said by the victim, who is tired of being constantly used.

What is consumerism? This issue is worth looking into in more detail. After all, this will allow the wife to understand why the husband is constantly dissatisfied with the role of the eternal breadwinner, and the wife - why the wife is offended by him, talking about the lack of respect and attention. Having learned in more detail that this is a consumer attitude, parents will understand why they are generally well-behaved child incapable of saying thank you.

The global problem of mankind

Representatives modern society often considered adherents of the cult of consumption. This is facilitated by the ever-increasing level of social benefits. The growth of the index of consumer relations quite often manifests itself only through the prism of satisfaction of certain requests.

People start collecting things. And they only do it because they can afford it. If something becomes unusable, then we, as a rule, throw it away, acquiring in return new item. And again, we only do it because we can afford it.

Concept definition

Consumer attitude is a phenomenon that has many negative aspects. Enough has been said about this already. However, all this is not so scary. It's worse if it's not about inanimate objects, which, in fact, are created in order to be used, but about the consumer attitude towards people. Victims of this phenomenon, describing the nature of their feelings, often indicate that they feel like an ordinary thing.

A person who shows a consumer attitude towards people uses others as a resource. At the same time, he does not care at all about their feelings and does not have a desire to give anyone anything in return. In those cases when the victim begins to realize his position and understands that everything cannot go on so simply, it is she who takes the initiative and breaks such a connection.

However, unfortunately, it is far from always possible to objectively assess the situation. Sometimes the victim lives with the consumer, suffers, but continues to suffer. Sometimes she worries silently, sometimes she is indignant out loud, but she endures, not fully realizing her position.

Examples of a negative phenomenon

Exist various relationships. How can they be expressed? In general, consumption is a process that allows you to fully satisfy own desires, needs. At the same time, it allows a person to achieve goals using various means. Judging by the definition, consumer attitude is a phenomenon that we encounter in one way or another every day in our lives. However, it is not always a problem. Its negative sides are manifested only when the interests of a certain person are infringed, due to which a person begins to realize his desires.

If we do not take into account the purely material aspect, then the consumer attitude in society is manifested in the following aspects:

1. Often such troubles arise between a woman and a man. At the same time, representatives of the stronger sex use women only to ensure that they maintain the comfort of life, satisfy purely physiological needs, they have them just for show, etc. There are many options for such relationships.
2. Sometimes the consumers are ladies. They use the representatives of the stronger sex for their own material gain, as well as for the realization of their feminine etc.
3. Another type of consumerism is the sometimes unfair attitude of children towards their parents. Moreover, this phenomenon is quite widespread. Parents sometimes do everything possible to bring their child into people. But in the end, the son or daughter not only does not thank them for their efforts, but also nullifies all their efforts.
4. Consumer attitudes towards people can often be found in friendship. Almost every person has probably encountered this type of similar phenomenon. After all, there are such friends and girlfriends who appear only when they need something - to borrow money, spend the night, etc.
5. Consumer relations are also manifested at work. Most often, this phenomenon comes from the authorities. It uses its subordinates, squeezes all the juice out of them, but is not going to pay for it. Or vice versa. A person, being in a leadership position, tries to treat everyone in a good way. He respects other people's opinions and interests, but the annoying employee constantly asks to go home early without completing the task, as his grandmother allegedly fell ill again.

It should be borne in mind that in the case when any of the types of relations described above towards a person begins to cross all sorts of boundaries, and he feels that he is simply being used, this problem must be resolutely dealt with.

Consumer attitudes towards men

In the case of a patriarchal society, all the functions of the head of the family are certainly assigned to the representative of the stronger sex. At this time, it is believed that a woman should obey the decisions that were made by him. On the one hand, it can be argued that a man is given a very privileged position. However, this medal has its own flip side. Similar social roles gradually lead to the fact that the personal traits of the spouses begin to be erased. Each of them is within a clear framework of patriarchal standards.

In such families, both sides lose out. The husband suffers from the fact that he is considered only as a source of income, family well-being and domestic comfort. No one perceives him as a living person with his desires, needs and emotions. love in similar marriages, as a rule, is either absent initially, or rather quickly begins to fade into the background, fading away.

The consumer attitude towards a man gradually leads to his realization that his wife needs him mainly only for material support. It's just wonderful when the head of the family is able to pay family holiday or gift to your soulmate expensive thing. However, it is not normal if:

• his surprises and presents are taken for granted;
• he never gets anything in return;
• in the absence of an expensive gift, a woman expresses misunderstanding, irritation and expresses resentment;
• Communication with a spouse comes down to only one-sided reproaches with demands like “you must”.

In such a situation, a man should be aware of whether he is ready to endure such an attitude towards himself for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, re-educating an adult is unlikely to succeed. And if a certain scenario has been laid in the head of the spouse since childhood family life where only consumerism finds expression on her part, and where there is no mutual respect, support and sympathy, it is unlikely that her approach to this issue can be changed with the help of quarrels, requests and conversations.

It is worth noting that a similar view of relationships is sometimes developed by a lady already in marriage. This happens due to the fact that the spouse is the first to begin to treat his soulmate with a consumer attitude. He deprives her of the right to vote in important decisions, and also demands that the wife unconditionally perform "typically female" functions, raising children, working at home, etc. This is how he forces his wife to treat him in the same way.

Consumer attitudes towards women

Many husbands sometimes do not even notice that they themselves create relationships in the family that are more like slave-owning than love. Such representatives of the stronger sex absolutely do not care about the mood of their wife. It doesn’t matter to them how people around them look at their soulmate.

The consumer attitude of a man towards a woman is expressed in the fact that the spouse never helps her in solving everyday issues and problems. The main thing for him is order in the house, cooked food and the fact that the mother is raising children. But all this, they believe, should take place without their participation.

Wives in such families constantly complain about their lives in various forums, go to psychologists, and seek support from their friends. They are not satisfied with the husband's indifference, his detachment and misunderstanding of the current situation. However, conversations directly with the head of the family do not give any positive results. After all, these men have a consumer attitude towards a woman precisely because they do not see in her a person who has her own beliefs, desires and habits. For them, the spouse is a slave who lives to fulfill his whims. Earn respect for a woman normal attitude It's usually very difficult for yourself.

How to explain such a consumer attitude? This phenomenon may not always be due to the high salary of the husband or his social status. After all, it often happens that a spouse who brings much smaller amounts to the family than his soulmate, and is less busy with other things, still strives to shift all domestic problems onto the fragile shoulders of his partner. And a similar phenomenon can be observed all the time. Most often, the foundations of such relationships are laid in boys in early childhood. Unfortunately, not all parents can understand in time that their child seeks only to receive from life, without giving anything to people in return.

Often a woman does not understand why she is so unlucky with her husband. She is trying to find the answer to the question of what she is doing wrong. But the reason, as a rule, lies precisely in the man. At the same time, psychologists distinguish three types of personality of representatives of the strong half of humanity, each of which in its own way relates to its soul mate. Let's consider them in more detail.

connoisseur

A man with this type of personality takes care of his soulmate. He treats her without fail with tenderness. For such men, it is especially important that their partner always look one hundred percent.

That is why they have nothing against the beloved striving for perfection. Such women do not focus on household chores, and their spouses tend to take on part of the family chores.

Democrat

A man with this type of personality respects the preferences and tastes of his wife. This happens even in those cases when he cannot agree with her on this or that issue. A Democrat would never wake his woman up on a day off to get up and make him breakfast. He will patiently wait for her to get out of bed. In addition, this man himself will be able to cook himself scrambled eggs and sandwiches. In such a relationship, partners take care of each other without shifting their responsibilities onto other people's shoulders. Such a man respects a woman and sees a person in her.

slave owner

Such a man has developed a consumer attitude towards a woman. He is not interested in what his wife looks like and what she is wearing. It is worth noting that a lady sometimes also does not care about her appearance. After all, a woman simply does not have time for herself.

Psychologists note that such a consumer attitude of a man cannot lead to anything good. After all, people are only happy when they can make others happy. Otherwise, they will feel mentally exhausted and feel unloved.

What to do so that the child does not grow up to be a consumer?

Most parents dream of seeing their child obedient, trying in every possible way to stop his manifestations of initiative. The result of this is childish infantilism, which persists in the future for many years. In those cases when, at the age of one, babies treat their parents, and indeed everyone around them, as a source of benefits, you should not blame the child for this. On my own early stage development, he simply does not realize where sweets and toys come from and at what cost adults get them. If similar situation repeats in the future, that is, in kindergarten, school and student age, then this is already abnormal.

How to wean a child from a consumer attitude to life? To do this, parents should leave him space that would allow him to make independent decisions. And let it be still at the minimum level that is available for the appropriate age of the child and is safe for him. Children should be allowed to help their parents. Then the exchange of goods will be bilateral between them. In this way, parents will be able to instill in their son or daughter values ​​that are considered more important in society than consumer values. Thanks to this upbringing, children from the very early years they will acquire the ability to show gratitude and respect, to sympathize and to provide assistance.

Consumer attitude in friendship

Spiritually close people always share their emotions, time, actions, and sometimes material values. That is why we can talk about friendship as a relationship that is based on a mutually beneficial exchange. Only in this case they will continue and develop. However, sometimes it happens that an equivalent exchange between people does not occur. In this case, sooner or later, but the giving side will certainly come to exhaustion. She either has nothing to share, or desire will disappear doing so.

What is the reason for the consumer attitude in friendship? It is based on disrespect for the values ​​and personality of another person. Sometimes a situation arises when a person wants to be friends. However, at the same time, he shows inattention to the feelings and thoughts of another. He simply does not pay attention to his reaction to his actions and does not draw any conclusions. For example, he can greatly offend a friend and not notice it.

It is probably difficult to find a person who has never encountered manifestations of a consumer attitude in his life: someone experienced all his “charms” on personal experience, having become a victim of the consumer, someone just watched from the sidelines. But admitting that you yourself are a consumer is much more difficult.

This is usually reported by those around them, tired of being constantly trying to use them.

To understand why your husband is so infuriated by the role of the eternal “provider”, why the wife is offended by the lack of attention and respect on your part, believing that you treat her “like a thing”, and for what reason, by and large, a well-bred child never learned the words of gratitude, you should thoroughly understand the problem.

Modern society is often accused of adherence to the cult of consumption: the increased level of social well-being often outwardly manifests itself purely as the satisfaction of consumer needs.

We start collecting things because we can afford it, and if an item becomes unusable, without hesitation, we throw it away and buy a new one - again, because we can afford it!

About negative sides this phenomenon a lot has been said, but everything is not so scary, yet we are talking about about inanimate objects, which, whatever one may say, are created in order to be used. Much more serious concern is the use of the same principle in relation to people: the victims of this approach, determining the nature of their sensations, often say that they feel like a thing.

A human consumer uses another person as a resource, not caring about his feelings and not trying to give something in return. If the victim understands that there is a catch somewhere and cannot continue like this, she will try to break the connection with the consumer as soon as possible.

But, unfortunately, it is not always possible to assess the situation objectively, and it is not uncommon for a person to live his whole life side by side with the consumer - suffering, tormented, but "continuing to eat a cactus", like a mouse from the notorious joke. Sometimes out loud, sometimes silently worrying (and then the absence of claims on her part will be the main argument of the consumer if he wants to justify his behavior in the eyes of others).

In a patriarchal society, the function of the head of the family is traditionally assigned to the man, while the woman is subject to his decisions. It would seem that a man receives a very privileged position, but there is back side medals: such social roles gradually erase the personality traits of the wife and husband, driving them into a clear framework of patriarchal standards.

It is in such families that both parties most often suffer, and the tragedy of the husband usually lies in the fact that he is perceived mainly as a source of income, domestic comfort and well-being of the family, and not as a living person with his own emotions, needs and desires. Unfortunately, love in such marriages is either initially absent, or quickly fades into the background and gradually fades away.

At a certain stage, the husband begins to understand that his role in the family is reduced mainly to material support.

It’s good when a man has the opportunity to give his wife an expensive gift or pay for a family vacation, but it’s not normal if:

• in return he receives absolutely nothing and never;
• all gifts and surprises are taken for granted;
• the reaction of a woman to the absence of another expensive gift is expressed in resentment, irritation, misunderstanding;
• communication with her husband is reduced to one-sided reproaches and demands (“you must”, “it is your duty”, “the man pays for everything”, etc.).

In this situation, the husband must understand whether he is ready to endure such an attitude towards himself all his life.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to re-educate an adult, and if a certain scenario has been put into the head of a wife since childhood, in which there is a place for consumerism, but there is no place for mutual respect, support, sympathy and personal responsibility, it is unlikely that it will be possible to change her approach to the issue through conversations, requests or quarrels.

However, sometimes this view male role in relationships, it is developed by a woman already in marriage, since the husband is the first to begin to treat her consumerly - deprives her of the right to consultative voice in making important decisions and requires the unconditional performance of "typically female" functions (raising children, housework, etc.), forcing them to treat themselves in the same way.

Many husbands do not even notice how consumerist they are towards their spouses, creating conditions in the family that are more typical for slave-owning relationships than for love ones. Such men absolutely do not care about either the mood of their wife or her relationship with others, they do not seek to help their spouse in deciding domestic problems and questions. The main thing is that there should be order at home, food is prepared, and children are brought up, and all this should happen, if possible, without male participation.

Their wives can endlessly complain on forums, to friends over a cup of tea or in a psychologist's office about detachment, indifference and lack of understanding on the part of the spouse, but conversations with the "hero of the occasion" himself, as a rule, positive result do not bring. If a man sees in a woman not a person with his own beliefs, habits and desires, but a slave who must devote her life to fulfilling his whims, it can be very difficult to achieve an adequate attitude and self-respect.

And far from always this state of affairs is due to the social status or high salary of a man (although these factors, of course, often affect the intra-family balance): cases where a husband, who earns an order of magnitude less than his wife and has much more free time, still seeks to shift on her all household worries, are found all the time. Quite often, the foundation for such an attitude is laid from the very beginning. early childhood, because not all parents are able to understand in time that they are raising a consumer.

Why does a child become a consumer?

Largely due to the fault of parents who prefer to see their baby more obedient than proactive. As a result, infantilism instilled in childhood persists for long years. If your son or daughter at the age of one treats his parents (and any adults with whom he contacts) as a source of benefits, there is no point in blaming the child - being at an early stage of development, he still does not realize where and at what cost these benefits.

But if such a situation is repeated in a more conscious - kindergarten, school or even adulthood - this is not normal.

Therefore, it is advisable to leave space for children to make independent decisions from the earliest years (even at the minimum level that is accessible and safe at their age) and give them the opportunity to help their parents so that the exchange of benefits is two-way. Thus, you will be able to instill in your son or daughter more important values ​​than consumer values ​​- they will be able to appreciate the importance of mutual assistance and compassion, learn to show respect and gratitude.

With regard to specific duties, they are determined by the circumstances: in early age it can be all possible help to parents around the house, in adolescence - a part-time job (in order to have pocket money earned with one's own hands). This is the only way to overcome the egocentrism inherent to some extent in every child.

It is very easy to spoil children, because they tend to take any manifestations of attention and care for granted. And if for some reason parents feel guilty for some reason (for example, they worry that because of work they devote too little time to their growing child) and regularly try to “pay off” with gifts, the child will quickly develop a corresponding perception of the family as a group of adults who are obliged to please him always and in everything, regardless of own needs and external circumstances.

Growing up with the idea that any person should be considered primarily as a source of life's goods, the consumer child experiences in adulthood serious problems communicating with friends, family and colleagues. This is how women appear who will not even look at a man if he does not start to fill them up. expensive gifts or will not prove his high social status and men who assign women the role of domestic servants.

It is almost impossible to change a formed personality (rare exceptions only confirm general rule), therefore, children should be taught from childhood to go beyond consumer values.

I often hear the question at consultations: do I need (en) in a relationship. Many consider this question important. When they come to a consultation with a psychologist, they want to get an answer to it. With the answer to this question, people often associate the possibility of being in a relationship with their partner. Hearing "no" is terrible. Many things in a relationship people are ready to forgive, come to terms with something. The answer “no” to the question of whether you need me is a reason to immediately end the relationship. Every time I hear this question, I think - is it even possible to answer this question in the affirmative? Could it be that we are needed in a relationship on our own, personally, so to speak?

In the psychology of relationships there is such a concept as an end and a means. The goal is what I want to get, the means is the way, the way how to get what I want. Can a person be the target in a relationship? Is a partner an end or a means? With situations where a person is a means in a relationship, everything seems to be clear. A young attractive person (whether a woman or a man) can find a partner who is not young, but wealthy. Here money is the goal, and the partner is the means. Such relationships are often called sales or consumer relationships (depending on how you look at it). If I want to get something from a partner, if I need him for something, then this is about consumption. I often heard that consumer relations are not love. Are there relationships where the partner is not a means to get something for yourself through or through him? Relationships where a person is not a means, but the goal of the relationship. Where the answer to the question do you need me - positive. Yes, it's you that I need.

There is a phrase - I want you to be (a) happy (a). It can be heard from another person. It can be read in books or heard in a film, in the theater, especially for the so-called " love genre". Many believe that this is what true love is. Here, it is precisely this attitude that is not consumer, but it is - that, a real feeling. This is such a relationship where I do a lot (everything) for him (her). How does this compare favorably with low-calculation or dry arrangements. Somehow, even, it is not convenient to destroy the picture. No, everything is true, I don’t want to write that it’s naive to believe that such people exist at all, or that such relationships do not exist. The problem is not in this, but in the fact that in such a relationship, the need of a person is the happiness of another. That is, a person uses another to satisfy his need. He is different, he is a means to his own end. And the goal here is to satisfy your need to give and care, to receive emotions, looking at the happiness of another person. In this sense, such relations are also consumer relations. I consume a loved one to satisfy my need to give, care for, make him happy. Attempts to refuse my care in this case cause discomfort, I feel bad that I do not get what I want in a relationship. Here the person is also not the end, he is the means to satisfy my needs.

The thoughts that I will write to many may seem seditious. No matter how much I think about it, I can't find relationships that aren't consumer. Even if we take relationships that are built on the basis of parent-child relationships. Where there is an element of unconditional acceptance. I love you just for who you are, just the way you are. Do you need a person there, is it possible to say that this is exactly what? Is man an end and not a means? People feel the need to live through the emotions that arise in parent-child relationships, this is more typical for women. This is a need, it is largely biological, partly formed through environmental influence. And here it is about needs. The child or partner who replaces the child in a situation where the model parent-child relationship carried over into adult life needed to meet this need. He is not an end, but a means.

Being in love, however strange it may seem, is also our need. If I am in love with my partner, this is a way to live in love through him, with his help. People in love often say: "I'm with you just because I'm in love with you (I love you), and not because I need something from you." It would seem - this is it, the person here is the goal. However, if you look closely at these words, you can see that they are also not about the fact that a person is the goal here. The correct translation of these words sounds something like this: “my main need in a relationship is to survive being in love, for this I can give up many of my other needs.” It's not about me, you don't need anything. This is also about consumption in relationships. Only a person wants to satisfy his need to live in love, and for this he is looking for someone who can help him with this. This need can be so strong that many other things simply fade into the background.

To many, this may seem terrible. This is not love - but just some kind of consumer approach. I'm sorry, but we're just human beings. Physiologically. A person lives as long as he has needs and can satisfy them. If a person loses touch with his needs, this is a violation. It is caused either by dysfunction or serious disorders, such as depression. The phrase you don’t love me, translated as: I can’t get what I want through you. And vice versa accordingly. I feel loved if I get what I need in a relationship. It's all about consumption, all our relationships are consumer. No others. What about the value of a person? Is everything really that busy? The answer is no, there is more.

When we choose a partner based on the fact that he gives me what I want, we accept his value for ourselves. We like how this person satisfies my needs, how he does it. It's something about the fact that I'm better off with him, better getting through him, a way to please. This is about the uniqueness of a person for me, this is about the fact that it is you that I need (need). Then it appears - I love you, I love you, because I feel good with you. Here it is very important not to start making a person exceptional, unique. Do not make a decision that this person is mine and now in general I want to receive all my important needs only from him. Then we become dependent on this person. We may suddenly decide that one person alone can meet our needs. We ourselves suddenly begin to endow him with these qualities. Then he becomes exclusive and unique, and the relationship is dependent.

So, we have decided that all relations are consumer relations. This is what we are in a relationship for. The other person helps us get something important to us, something we need. We appreciate this particular person, because we like the way we satisfy our needs with him. The most important thing then is to establish a balance of consumption. Am I getting enough for what I give. And yet, if we are building an independent relationship, and I am not trying to satisfy all my needs through my partner, then I need to decide how I will receive the rest. With whom, through whom else, how. There are many questions, it is important to think them over and discuss this with a partner. Find an acceptable way for everyone.

And about the value of a person. It is not static, it is not from the category of "eternal values". Value in a relationship is not a monument. We change, our needs change. We do not change in everything, something remains unchanged, there are no rules. What was important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be important over time. The way that I liked, connected with the person - I may want another. It is important to understand this and work on relationships. Talk to a partner. Listen to yourself. Look around. Look at yourself and your partner. Where does he change, and in what does he change, in what and where do I change. Correct the balance of relations, build it.

Consumer attitude towards spouse is one of the most right ways Destroy a marriage and any relationship in general. Even violence (in the broadest sense) does not have such destructive power.

Why am I? The point is that for last month I have encountered the same phenomenon several times, which is based on this very consumer attitude.

The last straw was a letter from my reader, interesting questions. With her permission, I'm answering questions here.

Here is an excerpt from the letter:

“Let’s say there is a couple in which a man says: I like you, but I don’t love you and I don’t want to reassure you.
1. What should a woman do if she feels that there is a sense and a future in these relationships. After all, love is a feeling that either fades or flares up. Today is not, but tomorrow is, and vice versa.
2. Is it necessary to put love as the basis of the foundation, or is it possible to build relationships on other values, and acquire love in the process?

There are several questions here, so I will answer step by step.

If a man is on blue eye declares “I like you, but I don’t love you and don’t want to reassure you”, here you need to look at what will be said next. If the man says further, they say, let's break up and we won't meet again, then the question is settled.

Because this particular man has now declared aloud that he is going to take full advantage of a woman, giving as little as possible in return.

I know millions of such stories (I'm exaggerating, of course, but I still know a lot). A man tells a woman, they say, you're pretty, I'm cool, let's have fun together. I'll call you when I'm in the mood, we'll go where I want, do what I'm interested in - it's so great!

No. It's not great. This is a consumer attitude, this is an object approach. The other person here acts as something like a resource (object), without a psyche and feelings.

To me, it's just disgusting. Yes, I use this word, although it is not allowed for a psychologist; I am the most categorical in the world, I can. Consumer behavior is disgusting. Maybe even more disgusting than violence (although it's hard to be more disgusting than violence).

In this situation, as in the situation with violence, my answer is simple - chase such a man.

Of course, if a woman needs just such a relationship, then no problem. But, in fact, women usually want the relationship of others, and they agree to such proposals from a man. out of hope. Out of the hope that he will “change his mind”, “love”, “understand”.

No! He won't change his mind, he won't love, he won't understand. Such a man will use you until he gets bored. There is no need for illusions - it will only be so.

Why? Because for normal person unnatural objectivity close person. It is almost a mental deviation - not to see that the other is also a person.

I'm not exaggerating. It is normal for a person to create a theory of the mind (“theory of mind” in English; they translate it into Russian in different ways). That is, to perceive other people as living, intelligent and sentient beings. That is, as subjects.

The formation of the theory of reason can be broken - and then a person perceives others simply as things. It's not quite psychiatry, but close. And to cure such a person is not easy (if at all possible). And you won't be able to for sure.

Do not even try - a waste of time and effort. Drive such men away from you like the plague.

Let me remind you the question: 1. What should a woman do if she feels that there is a sense and a future in these relationships. After all, love is a feeling that either fades or flares up. Today is not, but tomorrow is and vice versa.

A woman in this situation needs to stick her head in a bucket of cold water and come to your senses a little. Because a woman can feel that there is meaning and a future in these relationships, but these feelings do not apply to reality.

This is a consequence of the work of all sorts of fun hormones. They turn off a woman's critical thinking in order to ensure conception.

In such a state, the frontal lobes of a woman are tightly turned off - this is a state of insanity, about which, for example, the Criminal Code of the Republic of Belarus writes: "... could not be aware of the actual nature and social danger of his action (inaction) or manage it due to a chronic mental disorder, dementia or other mental illness." (Article 28 of the Criminal Code of the Republic of Belarus).

This female “I feel that there is a sense in this relationship” and is something close to a temporary mental disorder or painful condition. Despite the propaganda of the adherents of the “Turn off your head and listen to feelings” teaching, you need to listen to feelings very carefully, and you can’t turn off your head at all.

So - bucket cold water to help. Cleans the brains, saddles the feelings. Let it be temporary, but it will help. And when healing action ends, the process must be repeated.

This is the only way a woman should act in a given situation.

And the last question from the letter:
"2. Is it necessary to put love as the basis of the foundation, or is it possible to build relationships on other values, and acquire love in the process?

Yes, indeed, relationships can be built without love. To do this, they must be based on mutual respect. That is, on “on the recognition of someone. virtues, merit, qualities.

The keyword, as you can see, is highlighted in bold. The respect must be mutual. Also, relationships can be built on mutual interest and / or mutual recognition of the value of these relationships. The main thing is that it is mutual.

Human relations are based on what experts call the "theory of equal exchanges." You to me, I to you, it suits you and me, slight distortions in one direction are hidden by slight distortions in the other. The main thing is that we both understand and accept and recognize that this exchange suits us.

A person with violations of the "theory of reason" is not capable of such exchanges - it is difficult to exchange anything with a refrigerator, for example. We just put food in it and take it when we need it. The refrigerator is a thing. Unfortunately, it happens that a person becomes a thing.

And those who make you things, drive away. Drive away. Drive, despite their plaintive eyes and sincere bewilderment. I, Pavel Zygmantovich, the most categorical psychologist in the world, I tell you - drive such people away from you. Don't trust them, don't give up.

Otherwise, they will make a thing out of you again. And to be a thing is unworthy of a person.

Separately, I want to note. Of course, a woman can also behave consumerly towards a man, this is no less common, alas.

And I have everything, thank you for your attention.

A few more posts on a similar topic:
Psychological violence: an enemy that is invisible | Pro domestic violence
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Often I am accused of excessive idealization of the relationship between a man and a woman. Nothing can be done, such is my view of the world. So today I would like to touch on a topic that will be intertwined with ideality. Namely, the desire of men to get everything from women for nothing.

I came across this in conversations with women I know. As sad as it is to admit, men now want the maximum benefit from meetings, but at the same time do nothing themselves. They do not want to do not only “global”, but nothing at all. And this concerns not only the intimate side of relationships (although male egoism manifested itself here in all its glory). What do they want from a relationship? Right - tasty food, order in the apartment, clean ironed things and mind-blowing sex. But on the other hand, what will you give a woman in return? And there is no answer...

A friend told me a perfect example of this. She communicates through a dating site with her acquaintances abroad, and in the process, regulars of this site constantly write to her. They offer different things, who is good for what. According to the first reports, everyone is brave, just heroes, they immediately meet, offers to meet. But the only question is “What can you give me in this relationship, besides intimacy?” unsettles almost everyone. Many people stop writing after this question. That is, apart from the consumer attitude, there is nothing to offer. Sadly.

And this is not only the case on the Internet. Even in the first issues, I already wrote that you won’t get any compliments or flowers from today’s men. So, after a while, I saw guys with flowers only on February 14 and March 8. Why? I don't know, maybe it's a waste of money. Although I think you can buy a rose for your girlfriend. You don't care, but she's happy. But it's not profitable! I want to get everything for free, at minimal cost. In the same clubs, men now act differently: they get to know each other only when the lady has already ordered something for herself. Logically, there is no need for extra spending. And women living alone are especially popular. Few have their own free living space, and here you have a girlfriend and a free apartment. No need to think about where to take it, spend money on a rented apartment. Just perfect option! And so everywhere. Everywhere you look, everywhere men are looking for easy ways. Why are beautiful nice girls lonely? That's right, because they need to be achieved. And this is a waste of time, effort and nerves. But if you can get the same thing with less "costs", then there is no point in getting angry at the worthy.

I finally became convinced that we, men, are gradually losing our masculinity and our image of a "getter" (in every sense of the word) in the eyes of women. As sad as it is to admit, it is true. We do not give our girls flowers and gifts, we do not romantic surprises We have ceased to amaze. And why? Yes, because initially there is no such goal. All that remains is a consumer attitude, and the only goal is to drag the girl into bed as soon as possible. Girls from beautiful muses have become a kind of thing that can be used and thrown away, not caring about its future.

No, I don't want to seem perfect and good. It’s just that I really feel disgusted when a car stops near a passing girl and the offer “to go have fun” comes from there. It is unpleasant when the only thing that a man can offer a woman is sex (according to women, not everything is perfect here, not many can boast of the ability). And it’s just a shame when the only compliment that a girl hears from guys is “I would give you vd..l” ...