Consumer attitude. "consumer attitude"
He complained that he could not meet his love. Igor, Attractive man over 30 years old, with his own business and wealthy parents. There is no shortage of women, to say the least, but I would like a family, with a faithful and loving woman. During the day with fire you won’t find how sadly he summed up his problem, maybe there’s something wrong with me?
May the consumer society forgive me all the critical remarks that I have made and continue to make towards it. This society is not worse than society Puritans or religious dogmatists of the past, who killed all those who were not with them. This society is no worse than the stagnation society of Soviet times, the gangster-mafia society of the 90s. In the worst case, a person will die as a complete consumer of cheap (with psychological point view) of goods, services and RELATIONS. IN best case scenario he will eat all this, overeat, vomit and start looking for something more serious. In goods, services, relationships, including attitudes towards people and this world. We all know edge cases such changes - go to live in the village on your own bread, go to India, go into spirituality, and so on. But let's return to Igor.
"You're getting to know new woman on your brand new Porsche? And soon you take her to an expensive restaurant? And bring you to your mansion for the first night? And she asks you about your business? And she almost always model appearance, glamorous, a solarium doll like that?” Well, and so on, and I get affirmative answers to almost all questions. It seems that you don’t need to be a genius to guess what kind of relationships and by what rules are established here. What you emit into space is what you receive. Consumerism in relationships has become the norm, especially in a consumer society. Commodity-money-commodity. Body is a commodity, sex is a commodity, status is a commodity, mansion is a commodity, love is a commodity.
It is clear that deep down, any person wants to be loved not as a product, but as a person, sincerely and not playfully. But in consumer relations this is impossible. Igor himself initially positions himself (unconsciously) as a commodity, an expensive commodity. And the beast runs towards the catcher, correspondingly. Girls with model appearance are also taught from childhood that if they are beautiful, it means that they are an expensive product, and they need to sell themselves at a higher price. And it seems that it has always been this way - the smart is drawn to the smart, the strong to the strong, “every creature has a pair”, corresponding. If you are a prince, then why do you need an illiterate milkmaid if you are beautiful? clever woman, why do you need a drunk tractor driver? Only, in consumer relations, in addition to the fact that you need to sell a product at a higher price, buy a cheaper one (including relationships), a certain superficiality, pop, and soullessness can always be traced.
First, a small example. Compare the acting of the old Soviet school, and especially films of the 40-70s, and modern TV series. In the acting, the expressiveness, the DEPTH, it’s easy to see the difference, a very significant one. Who goes to social events, glamorous nightclubs, watches on TV about stars and parties, look at the faces. Image is everything, and that’s where the person ends, the mask has grown to the face, and the person himself is no longer visible. The consumer cannot give himself entirely to you or anyone, he has forgotten who he really is. Be it a model-looking girl walking arm in arm with a wealthy partner, or a highly paid actor counting his fee. Where money and everything that stands behind it are the main thing, there is no place for either the depth of feelings, or devotion, or sincerity. And what could be more important for a consumer than money, with which he will consume more and more goods, services, relationships?
And I advised Igor to get acquainted in ordinary clothes, without a Porsche and invitations to an expensive restaurant. First, see the soul in your partner, and show yours, don’t be afraid, but show who you are without a mask and all this social props in the form of property and money. And not in clubs or fashionable parties and glamorous companies - there consumerism will again catch you in its trap.
And the most important thing in all this is for Igor himself to reduce (remove too cool for now) the consumer in himself. Including in relation to women, otherwise women will again and again turn from wonderful strangers into pragmatic bitches or supposedly innocent dolls, playing on your weaknesses and calculating your every move. And the reason will be in Igor himself, because like attracts exactly like.
Roman Burlak
I am 29 years old. I have a higher education, I work as a lawyer and I am a municipal employee. My situation is this. I was previously married, my husband and I lived for 7 years and raised a son together, now he is 9 years old. They lived very happily and loved each other. parents helped in every possible way, their own apartment, car, good job. but problems soon began. as soon as my husband got a job with the police. frequent drinking began, often did not come to spend the night, scandals, but at the same time initial apologies and repentance. and then completely arrogant behavior. And finally the framing. I endured and forgave all this time. and at one fine moment I decided that everything needed to be changed, something could no longer be done. but I did not plan and did not want such a way out of the situation, as happened next. I met a young man and realized that I wanted to continue the relationship with him, but while still married to my husband. WE HID THE RELATIONSHIP FOR ABOUT A YEAR. And then she divorced her husband. Of course, my husband was shocked and tried no matter what to bring me back. but at that time I firmly decided that I did not want any relationship with him. And then I got a phone call and a message that my husband hanged himself in our bedroom half an hour ago. door handle. I still remember this terrible day. I wanted to disappear somewhere and didn’t understand what happened at all (it’s already 2 years since he died). Half a year after the tragedy, my boyfriend and I decided to leave for Saratov, and that’s what we did. I got a job, my child started 1st grade, we live in a rented apartment, but my boyfriend just can’t get a job, it seems to me that he’s not trying very hard. And now about the present: I pay for the apartment, I pay for utilities, I also buy groceries, and sometimes he does. I'm trying to do something, fussing. and he sleeps until the morning, and sometimes he goes to temporary work, but in Lately doesn't give me money. He has nothing but complaints and jealousy: I come home late from work, I don’t have time to prepare a variety of food, etc. Either buy him cigarettes or give him fare. and now he is also studying at the institute (his parents paid for it). He also asks me for exams. And I was so angry that I was going to the prince, even though I had money, but I thought why should I give it to you. when you don’t give anything to your family. Yes, in principle, what a family, as he said, not a child in common, and I’m not your husband. Here we are. And he watches my every step and call, jealousy tormented him and then he says I want to live in peace and not worry about anything. Yes, I think I would like your experiences. More than once he packed his things and left, but returned because he admitted that he loved me and could not live without me. And every time I am convinced that he cannot just live with his parents and that he is simply comfortable here, somehow consumer attitude. I don’t know what to do next with this worthless relationship, and I can’t live without him either. I look forward to your help.
Answers from psychologists
Hello. Anna. Most likely, this story points to YOUR vague ideas in choosing men. You chose the first man, as if he was serious. But his seriousness was temporary, and probably was some internal proof that he was worthy of decent relations. But he couldn’t stand it for more than a while and became the person he met with you. You couldn’t see the dependence and childishness in him. True, you made a very worthy decision and left him. You are responsible for what happened to him should not bear, and you coped with this. In the second relationship, you again choose a weak and dependent man. Essentially the same as the first, but in a different way. For the second, you are the mother, and again the family rests on you. And again she does not have a serious perspective. It is impossible to turn a man in the other direction. He must initially be turned towards love for you, then compromises improve marriage. Since both have motivation. Your men are not motivated. They are cynical and selfish. This indicates your internal fears of choosing more worthy men. You choose a man - not very well, because you probably feel yourself - not very well. And choosing a reliable man for you is probably inspired by the fear of waiting for abandonment and rejection of you by a reliable man. Somewhere you need to look here the real reason what is happening. In the internal attitudes that come from childhood. And it is important for you not only to work on mistakes, but also to fill yourself with new views and strategies that allow you to be more confident next to a man, and build a relationship with him that is equal in contribution. Initially. This requires analysis and work with a psychologist in the format of psychotherapy. If you have motivation, please contact me. I am also at your service.
Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist Volgograd
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0Yes, the situation is complex and unpleasant.
You need to understand what you yourself want from this relationship.
We must admit that your man is truly immature and is not capable of being responsible for the family. Apparently, he is not even capable of taking responsibility for himself. This happens not because he is lazy or because he does it consciously or on purpose - he simply, for now, cannot do otherwise. He lacks personal resources. There is no need to demand more from him - he is not yet capable of it. This is not his fault, it is rather his misfortune. Perhaps he had harsh and unaccepting parents, they squeezed his will, and he developed into an adult, independent personality. And now, consciously or unconsciously, he is trying to adapt to this world as best he can. For now, he is only capable of solving his problems only at the expense of you. And as long as you allow him to do this, the situation will not change.
What can you do in such a situation? 1) You can leave everything as it is (but this apparently doesn’t suit you very much). 2) You can decide to love and support him and help him grow and develop (you don’t have to do this, but you can if you want). 3) Decide that you don’t need such a man and leave him (but at the same time think about why this situation has developed in your life. This is a lesson for you too. Maybe you are too demanding of others? Maybe you have too little female acceptance There is a chance that the same problem, under different sauces, will continue to haunt you.)
I will tell you what to do next, depending on the decision you make. I will support any of your decisions. There is no such thing that one decision is better than another, that one is right and the other is wrong - this is your life, and only you can decide what is best for you.
Personally, I'm all for always giving people a chance. But this is purely my opinion. And secondly, this relationship is an opportunity for you to also learn something.
You will have to take the initiative yourself - he himself will not change anything - he is happy with everything in this situation. You just need to sit down and talk, but only without blaming him. Simply tell him that you love and accept him, but you can’t live like this any longer - because you don’t feel protection or support from him, that you don’t feel that this relationship is important to him either. And this no longer suits you. And discuss it honestly with him. possible options events. Let him offer some options himself - just make sure that he does not slip into his usual manipulations. Make him make an adult decision. But don't be cruel - remember, he himself suffers from his condition. He really needs support.
If you decide to support him, then don't demand too much from him right away, and don't expect him to change quickly. Step by step, like a child, he will gradually grow up if you create the appropriate conditions for this. In this case, you need to be accepting and patient. I would agree to this option only if he says that he himself wants to change, he just doesn’t know how. If he says what he wants to be good husband that he wants to take care of you and your child - he just doesn’t know how to do it. Something inside is not giving him permission and he needs help.
This is probably all for today, I can suggest a lot more, but this is after you make a decision. Think carefully - this situation in your life is not easy. There is no need to shift all responsibility onto him alone. This man can greatly help you become a more sensitive and accepting woman, of course, if you yourself are ready and want to change.
It is probably difficult to find a person who has never in his life encountered manifestations of consumerism: someone has experienced all its “charms” on personal experience, having become a victim of a consumer, someone simply watched from the sidelines. But admitting that you yourself are a consumer is much more difficult.
This is usually reported by others who are tired of constantly being used.
To understand why your husband is so infuriated by the role of the eternal “breadwinner”, why your wife is offended by the lack of attention and respect on your part, believing that you treat her “like a thing”, and for what reason in general well-mannered child I still haven’t learned the words of gratitude, I should thoroughly understand the problem.
Modern society is often accused of adhering to the cult of consumption: the increased level of social well-being is often externally manifested purely as the satisfaction of consumer needs.
We start collecting things because we can afford it, and if an item becomes unusable, without thinking, we throw it away and buy a new one - again, because we can afford it!
About negative aspects this phenomenon a lot has been said, but everything is not so scary so far we're talking about O inanimate objects, which, whatever one may say, are created to be used. Much more serious concerns arise when using the same principle in relation to people: victims of this approach, determining the nature of their sensations, often say that they feel like a thing.
A consumer person uses another person as a resource, without caring about his feelings and without trying to give something in return. If the victim understands that there is a catch somewhere and this cannot continue, she will try to break the connection with the consumer as soon as possible.
But, unfortunately, it is not always possible to assess the situation objectively, and there are often cases when a person lives his entire life side by side with the consumer - suffering, tormented, but “continuing to eat the cactus,” like the mouse from the notorious joke. Sometimes out loudly indignant, sometimes silently experiencing (and then the absence of complaints on her part will be the consumer’s main argument if he wants to justify his behavior in the eyes of others).
In a patriarchal society, the function of head of the family is traditionally assigned to the man, while the woman is subject to his decisions. It would seem that a man receives a very privileged position, but there is also back side medals: such social roles gradually erase the personal traits of the wife and husband, driving them into the clear framework of patriarchal standards.
It is in such families that both sides most often suffer, and the tragedy of the husband usually lies in the fact that he is perceived mainly as a source of income, household comfort and well-being of the family, and not as a living person with his own emotions, needs and desires. Unfortunately, love in such marriages is either initially absent, or quickly fades into the background and gradually fades away.
At a certain stage, the husband begins to understand that his role in the family comes down mainly to financial support.
It’s good when a man has the opportunity to give his wife an expensive gift or pay family holiday, but not normal if:
- in return he receives absolutely nothing and never;
- all gifts and surprises are taken for granted;
- a woman’s reaction to the absence of another expensive gift is expressed in resentment, irritation, and misunderstanding;
- communication with her husband comes down to one-sided reproaches and demands (“you must,” “this is your responsibility,” “a man pays for everything,” etc.).
In this situation, the husband must understand whether he is ready to endure such an attitude towards himself all his life.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to re-educate an adult, and if a wife has had a certain scenario in her head since childhood, in which there is a place for consumerism, but no place for mutual respect, support, empathy and personal responsibility, it is unlikely that it will be possible to change her approach to the issue through conversations, requests or quarrels.
However, sometimes this view of male role in relationships is developed by a woman already in marriage, since the husband is the first to begin to treat her as a consumer - he deprives her of the right to a consultative voice when making important decisions and demands the unconditional performance of “typically female” functions (raising children, housework, etc.), thereby thereby forcing one to treat oneself in the same way.
Many husbands do not even notice how consumerist they are towards their spouses, creating conditions in the family that are more characteristic of slave relationships than of love relationships. Such men are absolutely not concerned about their wife’s mood or her relationships with others; they do not strive to help their spouse in making decisions. everyday problems and questions. The main thing is that there is order at home, food is prepared, and children are raised, and all this should happen, if possible, without male participation.
Their wives can endlessly complain on forums, to friends over a cup of tea or in a psychologist’s office about detachment, indifference and lack of understanding on the part of their spouse, but conversations with the “hero of the occasion” himself, as a rule, positive result they don't bring it. If a man sees in a woman not an individual with her own beliefs, habits and desires, but a slave who must sacrifice her life to fulfill his whims, it can be very difficult to achieve adequate treatment and self-respect.
And this state of affairs is not always due to the social status or high salary of the man (although these factors, of course, often influence the intrafamily balance): cases when the husband, who earns an order of magnitude less than his wife and has much more free time, still tries to shift All everyday worries are on her, and they happen all the time. Quite often the basis for such an attitude is laid from the very beginning. early childhood, because not all parents are able to understand in time that they are raising a consumer.
Why does a child become a consumer?
Largely due to the fault of parents who prefer to see their baby more obedient than proactive. As a result, the infantilism instilled in childhood persists long years. If your son or daughter at the age of one treats his parents (and any adults with whom he comes in contact) as a source of benefits, there is no point in blaming the child - being at early stage development, he does not yet understand where these benefits come from and at what price.
But if such a situation is repeated at a more conscious age - kindergarten, school or even adulthood - this is not normal.
Therefore, it is advisable from the very early years leave children space for independent decisions (even at the minimum level that is accessible and safe at their age) and give them the opportunity to help their parents so that the exchange of benefits is two-way. In this way, you will be able to instill in your son or daughter more important values than consumer values - they will be able to appreciate the importance of mutual assistance and compassion, and will learn to show respect and gratitude.
As for specific responsibilities, they are determined by circumstances: in early age This could be as much as possible to help parents around the house; in adolescence, it could be a part-time job (to have pocket money earned with one’s own hands). This is the only way to overcome the egocentrism inherent to some extent in every child.
It is very easy to spoil children, because they tend to take any manifestations of attention and care for granted. And if parents experience a feeling of guilt for some reason (for example, they worry that because of work they are devoting too little time to their growing child) and regularly try to “pay off” with gifts, quite quickly the child will form a corresponding perception of the family as a group of adults obliged to please him always and in everything, regardless of own needs and external circumstances.
Growing up with the idea that any person should be considered primarily as a source of life's goods, a child-consumer experiences in adulthood serious problems in communication with friends, relatives and colleagues. This is how women appear who will not even look at a man unless he starts to overwhelm them expensive gifts or will not prove his high social status, and men assigning women the role of domestic servants.
It is almost impossible to change a formed personality (rare exceptions only confirm general rule), therefore children should be taught from childhood to go beyond consumer values.
I often hear the question in consultations: am I needed in a relationship? Many people consider this issue important. When they come to a consultation with a psychologist, they want to get an answer. People often associate the answer to this question with the ability to be in a relationship with their partner. Hearing “no” is terrible. People are ready to forgive many things in relationships, to come to terms with something. The answer “no” to the question of whether you need me is a reason to immediately end the relationship. Every time I hear this question, I think - is it even possible to answer this question positively? Could it be that we are needed in relationships on our own, personally, so to speak?
In the psychology of relationships there are such concepts as goal and means. The goal is what I want to get, the means is the path, the way to get what I want. Can a person be a goal in a relationship? Is a partner an end or a means? In situations where a person is a means in a relationship, everything seems to be clear. A young attractive person (no matter a woman or a man) can find a not young, but wealthy partner. Here money is the goal, and the partner is a means. Such relationships are often called sales or consumer (depending on how you look at it). If I want to get something from my partner, if I need him for something, then it’s about consumption. I have often heard that consumer relationships are not love. Are there relationships where the partner is not a means to get something for yourself through or through him? Relationships where a person is not the means, but the goal of the relationship. Where the answer to the question do you need me is positive. Yes, it’s you that I need.
There is a phrase - I want you to be happy. It can be heard from another person. You can read it in books or hear it in a film, in the theater, especially for the so-called “ love genre" Many people believe that this is what true love is. It is precisely this attitude that is not consumer, but is a real feeling. This is the kind of relationship where I do everything a lot (everything) for him (her). How does this compare favorably with low calculations or dry agreements? Somehow, it’s not even convenient to destroy the picture. No, everything is so, I don’t want to write that it is naive to believe that such people exist at all, or that such relationships do not exist. The problem is not this, but the fact that in such relationships, a person’s need is the happiness of the other. That is, a person uses another to satisfy his needs. He is different, a means to achieve his own goal. And the goal here is to satisfy your need to give and care, to receive emotions by looking at the happiness of another person. In this sense, such relationships are also consumer ones. I consume my loved one to satisfy my need to give, care, and make him happy. Attempts to refuse my care in this case cause discomfort; I feel bad that I don’t get what I want in the relationship. Here the person is also not the goal, he is a means to satisfy my needs.
The thoughts that I will write to many may seem seditious. No matter how much I think about it, I cannot find a relationship that is not consumer. Even if we take relationships that are built on the basis of child-parent relationships. Where there is an element of unconditional acceptance. I love you simply because you are, just the way you are. Is there a need for a person there, is it possible to say that this is exactly what it is? Is man an end and not a means? People feel the need to live through the emotions that arise in parent-child relationships; this is more typical for women. This is a need, it is largely biological, partly formed through environmental influence. And here it’s about needs. A child or partner who takes the place of a child in a situation where the model child-parent relationships be transferred to adult life, is needed to satisfy this need. He is not an end, but a means.
Falling in love, as strange as it may seem, is also our need. If I am in love with my partner, this is a way to experience love through him, with his help. People in love often say: “I’m with you simply because I’m in love with you (I love you), and not because I need something from you.” It would seem that this is it, the person here is the goal. However, if you look closely at these words, you can see that they are also not about the fact that a person is the goal here. The correct translation of these words sounds something like this: “my main need in a relationship is to experience falling in love, for this I can give up many of my other needs.” This is not about me, I don’t need anything from you. This is also about consumption in relationships. Only a person wants to satisfy his need to live in love, and for this he is looking for someone who can help him with this. This need can be so strong that much else simply fades into the background.
To many this may seem terrible. This is not love - but just some kind of consumer approach. I'm really sorry, but that's just how we humans are. Physiologically. A person lives as long as he has needs and can satisfy them. If a person loses touch with his needs, this is a violation. It is caused either by dysfunction or by serious disorders, such as depression. The phrase you don’t love me translates as: I can’t get what I want through you. And accordingly vice versa. I feel loved if I get what I need in a relationship. It's all about consumption, all our relationships are consumer. No others. What about the value of a person? Is everything really that neglected? The answer is no, there is something else.
When we choose a partner based on the fact that he gives me what I want, we accept his value to ourselves. We like how this person satisfies my needs, how he does it. It’s something about the fact that I feel better about it with him, it’s better to receive it through him, a way to please me. This is about the uniqueness of a person for me, this is about the fact that it is you that I need (need). Then it appears - I love you, I love you, because I feel good with you. It is very important here not to start making a person exceptional, the only one. Do not decide that this person is mine and now in general I want to receive all my important needs only from him. Then we become dependent on this person. We may suddenly decide that one person alone can satisfy our needs. We ourselves suddenly begin to endow him with these qualities. Then he becomes exclusively and unique, and the relationship is dependent.
So, we have decided that all relationships are consumer ones. This is what we get into relationships for. Another person helps us get something important to us, something we need. We value this particular person because we like the way we satisfy our needs with him. The most important thing then is to establish a balance of consumption. Do I get enough for what I give? And yet, if we are building an independent relationship, and I am not trying to satisfy all my needs through my partner, then I need to decide how I will receive the rest. With whom, through whom else, how. There are many questions, it is important to think about them and discuss them with your partner. Find a way that works for everyone.
And also about the value of a person. It is not static, it is not one of the “eternal values”. Value in a relationship is not a monument. We change, our needs change. We don’t change everything, some things remain the same, there are no rules. What was important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be important as time goes on. The way I liked, connected with a person, I may want something else. It is important to understand this and work on relationships. Talk to your partner. Listen to yourself. Look around. Look at yourself and your partner. Where is he changing, and in what ways is he changing, in what and where am I changing. Correct the balance of relationships, build it.
The consumer attitude towards your spouse is one of the most the right ways destroy a marriage or any relationship in general. Even violence (in the broadest sense) does not have such destructive power.
Why am I doing this? The point is that last month I have encountered the same phenomenon several times, which is based on this same consumer attitude.
The last straw was a letter from my reader, with interesting questions. With her permission, I am answering questions here.
Here is an excerpt from the letter:
“Suppose there is a couple in which the man declares: I like you, but I don’t love you and don’t want to reassure you.
1. What should a woman do if she feels that there is meaning and a future in this relationship. After all, love is a feeling that either fades or flares up. Today it is not, but tomorrow it is, and vice versa.
2. Is it necessary to put love as the foundation, or is it possible to build relationships on other values, and acquire love in the process?”
There are several questions here, so I will answer step by step.
If a man is on blue eye declares “I like you, but I don’t love you and don’t want to reassure you,” here you need to watch what will be said next. If the man continues to say, let’s break up and not meet again, then the question is settled.
Because this particular man has now stated out loud that he is going to take full advantage of a woman, giving as little as possible in return.
I know millions of such stories (I’m exaggerating, of course, but still, I know a lot). A man tells a woman, you’re pretty, I’m cool, let’s have fun together. I’ll call you when I’m in the mood, we’ll go wherever I want, do what interests me - it’s so cool!
No. It's not healthy. This is a consumer attitude, this is an object approach. The other person here acts as something like a resource (object), without psyche and feelings.
In my opinion, this is simply disgusting. Yes, I use this word, although a psychologist is not allowed to; I am the most categorical in the world, I can. Consumerism is disgusting. Maybe even more disgusting than violence (although it is difficult to be more disgusting than violence).
In this situation, as in a situation with violence, my answer is simple - drive such a man away.
Of course, if a woman needs just such a relationship, then no problem. But, in fact, women usually want other relationships, and they agree to such proposals from men out of hope. Out of the hope that he will “come to his senses”, “love”, “understand”.
No! He won’t come to his senses, he won’t love, he won’t understand. Such a man will use you until he gets tired of you. There is no need for illusions - this is the only way it will be.
Why? Because for normal person it’s unnatural to treat things objectively to a loved one. It's almost a mental deviation not to see that the other is also a person.
I'm not exaggerating. It is normal for a person to create a theory of reason (“theory of mind” in English; translated into Russian in different ways). That is, to perceive other people as living, intelligent and sentient beings. That is, as subjects.
The formation of a theory of reason can be disrupted - and then a person perceives others simply as things. It's not quite psychiatry, but it's close. And curing such a person is not easy (if at all possible). But you definitely won’t succeed.
Don't even try - it's a waste of time and effort. Drive such men away from you like the plague.
Let me remind you of the question: 1. What should a woman do if she feels that this relationship has meaning and a future. After all, love is a feeling that either fades or flares up. Today there is no, but tomorrow there is and vice versa.
A woman in this situation needs to stick her head in a bucket of cold water and come to your senses a little. Because a woman can feel that there is meaning and a future in this relationship, but these feelings do not relate to reality.
This is a consequence of the work of all sorts of happy hormones. They turn off a woman's critical thinking in order to ensure conception.
A woman in this state has her frontal lobes completely switched off - this is a state of insanity, about which, for example, the Criminal Code of the Republic of Belarus writes: “... could not recognize the actual nature and social danger of her action (inaction) or manage it due to a chronic mental disorder (disease), temporary mental disorders, dementia or other painful mental state.” (Article 28 of the Criminal Code of the Republic of Belarus).
This feminine “I feel that there is meaning in this relationship” is something close to a temporary mental disorder or painful condition. Despite the propaganda of adherents of the teaching “Turn off your head and listen to your feelings,” you need to listen to feelings very carefully, and you shouldn’t turn off your head at all.
So - a bucket cold water to help. It will clear your brains and calm your feelings. Even if it’s temporary, it will help. And when healing effect ends, the procedure should be repeated.
This is how and only this is what a woman should do in this situation.
And the last question from the letter:
"2. Should we put love as the foundation, or is it possible to build relationships on other values, and acquire love in the process?”
Yes, indeed, you can start building relationships without love. To do this they must be based on mutual respect. That is, on “on the recognition of someone.” merits, merits, qualities."
The keyword, as you can see, is highlighted in bold. Respect must be mutual. Relationships can also be built on mutual interest and/or mutual recognition of the value of these relationships. The main thing is that it is mutual.
Human relationships are based on what experts call the “theory of equal exchanges.” You give me, I give you, you and I are happy with this, slight distortions in one direction are concealed by slight distortions in the other. The main thing is that we both understand and accept and admit that this exchange suits us.
A person with violations of the “theory of reason” is not capable of such exchanges - it is difficult to exchange anything with, say, a refrigerator. We just put food in it and take it when needed. The refrigerator is a thing. Unfortunately, it happens that a person becomes a thing.
And drive away those who make you things. Drive away. Drive away, despite their pitiful eyes and sincere bewilderment. I, Pavel Zygmantovich, the most categorical psychologist in the world, tell you - drive such people away from you. Don't believe them, don't give in.
Otherwise they will make a thing out of you again. And to be a thing is unworthy of a person.
I would like to make a special mention. Of course, a woman can also behave consumeristly towards a man; this is no less common, alas.
That's all I have, thanks for your attention.
A few more notes on a similar topic:
Psychological violence: an enemy that is invisible | About domestic violence
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“Why do I need a loser, a bungler, an incompetent, I need only a successful and only a lucky friend, partner and loved one. Am I really going to surround myself with people who are of no use, benefit or pleasure to me? No, thank you! Let others deal with simpletons, but I know my worth and don’t eat just anything!” – exclaims our EGO. We think that it is we who think so, but no, it is it that fools us. Because EGO is Mephistopheles inside each of us, who tempts, calls us to pleasures and conveniences and sets us up for a wave of consumption.
Love is immaterial
Meanwhile, love and friendship are not material things. Sometimes people who are truly in love cannot even clearly define why they feel affection and craving for their loved one. Why do they feel good around him, why do they love him? Simply because he exists, exactly as their hearts saw him. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that he will be a successful and lucky handsome man with a tightly stuffed wallet.We often wonder why there are so many disappointments, divorces and unhappy love stories. Yes, all for the same reason. We are looking for a successful partner, not love. And when we find someone who seems to fit the parameters of success: rich, famous, smart, energetic, kind, caring, etc. and so on. - we grab it like a hunter catches its prey, and do not want to let go of us even a single step, thinking that this is our gift from fate. We found what we were looking for, and now only happiness and pleasure await us!
Not so! What is measured and can be weighed, measured and counted has nothing to do with love, it has to do with consumption. And if you make these numbers and indicators of well-being and success into the formulas of your life, then come to terms with the fact that you will not see selfless relationships. You will constantly be in a “you give me, I give you” relationship and swing the pendulum of acquisitions and settlements. Some time will pass, and your freshly successful candidate may quite naturally lose ground. Get sick, get old, lose weight, get fat, lose your business, money, etc. That is, you will lose the indicators that you were guided by when choosing it. And then what? One can only sympathize with him and you.
In a world of consumption
When it comes to business, relationships with unfamiliar strangers, we quite calmly perceive this consumer component. We are already accustomed to paying extra in a cafe, restaurant, hairdresser, hotel. We give extra to doctors and teachers, in the hope that they will be attentive to us and our children. And we forget (just as they forget) that this is, in fact, their job.Living in a world of consumption, we see how materiality penetrates art, literature, and music. The whole world is based on commerce. We are used to this and even actively participate in it. But somewhere deep down we would like there to be some areas free from consumption. We have a faint hope that these are areas of our close relationships: love and friendship.
I can’t particularly please you with anything. Unfortunately, even the initially unselfish relationships between children and parents are today under attack from consumption. Children become the subject of bargaining and manipulation, parents are sent to nursing homes and blackmailed with inheritance.
Most big risk What our soul is going for today is to truly fall in love and believe the one you love that he also loves you as unselfishly as you love him.
Unfortunately, in the world of consumption, selfless relationships have no place. There are fewer and fewer people among us who are able to take this risk and who are generally able to love someone other than themselves. So we conclude not marriages, but deals, and for some reason we hope that we will get something more than a transparent “you for me, I for you.” We are waiting for some sacrifices, romantic gestures, selfless acts. Come down to the sinful selling ground, a contract is a contract, get it according to the price list and don’t show off.
Isn't it time to love others?
There was a time when we were called upon to be loved by others. That is, make a name for yourself, present yourself, show, present, love. And so we heeded these tips, and we already love ourselves. Sometimes we even love too much, so much that we are no longer able to see and notice other people around us. No, we have perfectly learned to voice non-existent feelings, we swear our love to strangers right and left, it’s so simple and looks so beautiful in the comments line on our posts on in social networks. But we are completely unable to love a specific living person with a lot of shortcomings, that is, different from our individual traits and characteristics, if these traits prevent us from admiring ourselves and violate our personal peace.We try to quickly get rid of them, losers, boring unlikable people, problematic whiners, etc. And we don’t notice that we ourselves are not ideal. And all because self-love is also a manifestation of our EGO, the same Mephistopheles who fools us, accustoming us to life in the world of consumption.
How to save love in a world of consumption?
It’s probably very simple and at the same time difficult, because it requires work on yourself.Learn to see the soul of another person, regardless of the size of his wallet, success, appearance and other measurable parameters. It’s as if you can penetrate the outer shell and feel its inner content.
Learn to think not only about yourself and your interests and needs, but also about the needs and desires of other people. Understand them, share and help them realize their dreams and plans.
By helping others, a person reveals his best traits and awakens his inner spiritual reserves, feelings and motives in other people. Only by penetrating beyond the outer shells are we able to see the real face of another person.
Not participating in consumer relationships means recognizing another person’s human value as equal to you and not seeing in him a way and means of satisfying your interests.
After all, he was not created to become your husband, to make you happy, to provide for you, to build a house for you or to create conditions for a prosperous existence. He is the same valuable unit of the universe for which God has his own plans. He does not exist for you, and you do not exist for him. It is not yours, it does not belong to you. You don’t have to like him or do what you want, imagine, or expect from him. If you understand this in all its depth, then consumption will leave your relationship. Because they will become dominated by trust, mutual assistance, respect, acceptance and real love etc.
We consume so many different things: useful and useless, high-quality and low-quality. We strive to gradually increase consumption levels. We are increasingly buying new cars, wardrobe items, jewelry, Cell phones, computer equipment and much more.
The production of new goods is developing at a rapid pace. The frequency of release of new models, brands, brands, and accessories is accelerating. Everything new is presented as the best and highest quality, advertised and promoted with large financial investments.
Through advertising technologies, installation programs are introduced into people’s subconscious minds, which create a desire to purchase the advertised product. There are a huge number of such manipulations, we just got used to them and don’t pay attention, don’t analyze, don’t think.
As a result, the level of consumption grows, and company bank accounts increase - everything goes its own way. But this cannot go on forever, because the planet’s resources are far from limitless.
Modern man is accustomed to being in constant expectation of receiving something new, of high quality. We buy phones, but often, after not using them for even one year, we exchange them for more advanced ones, throwing away the old ones. We crave to receive pleasure from outside, through the acquisition of material things. And thus we begin to destroy our inner selves.
We begin to sacrifice full communication with own child for the sake of maintaining a profitable job. We begin to envy our neighbors who have a more modern car. And some, in order to keep up with the latest innovations, even go to the extent of breaking the law. The consumer attitude towards life that is cultivated modern society, leads to a gradual impoverishment of the soul, a decrease in love in the heart, and degradation.
How to get rid of consumerism
How to recover from consumerism?
In fact, everything is very simple: you just need to remember that the spiritual should always be higher and more important than the material. And remembering, we will see the actions that are necessary to restore what was lost.
These are actions to gradually introduce the spiritual into life: prayer, Holy Bible, church. This is what our ancestors knew well even before the times of the USSR, but was lost during the years of atheism. There is only one thing left to do - start taking action!
