How to accept your husband's children from his first marriage - advice from a wise woman. Second wives and first children: who is more expensive?

The number of remarriages is frightening with its indicators, which are growing every year in our country. Family psychologists, accordingly, are increasingly faced with questions about possible strategies in communication between the current family and the previous one.

This is a very serious step to marry a man who already has an unhappy relationship experience and children (or one child). Such a woman must have a huge amount of patience, wisdom and intuition in order for the family to survive, and children from first marriage The husband was on good terms with his new wife.

Knowledge of the psychology of family relationships will also be extremely useful. Such knowledge can be gleaned from books, for example, by Bert Hellinger. The practice of family constellations (the so-called approach of this psychologist and philosopher) confirms his theoretical statements. It is also useful to read the works of such famous family therapists as Salvador Minujin, Jay Haley or Clu Madanes.

You should also seek communication with women who are happily married to a man for whom this is not the first marriage. They can tell you from their own experience how best to act in a certain situation. If you have the opportunity to visit a good family psychologist, you should definitely use it.

6 tips for harmony in a new family with children from your husband’s first marriage

1. The second wife is absolutely not obliged to become a friend for the children from her husband’s first marriage, of course, if she doesn’t want it. After all, the children are not hers. All members of the current and previous family, and especially the woman herself, need to remember this, so as not to depend on someone else’s opinions and instructions.

Also, you should not try to build a relationship if your husband, former wife or the children themselves do not want it. You won’t be nice by force, but there may be more problems.

If children live with a husband and his current wife, then a woman needs to treat them as objectively as possible, and each time ask herself one question: “What would I do if these were completely strangers’ children?”

2. Children from previous marriage the husband will have to admit. It is impossible to erase them from life, nor the former spouse. The husband must be accepted entirely, with a dowry from the life he has already had.

What awaits a woman who cannot accept her husband's former family? This will be, at a minimum, internal discomfort, because the father will continue to communicate with the children, he will talk with his former wife about education and guardianship, and will provide for them financially. This is a great torment for a woman who could not accept the real state of affairs.

Attempts to limit communication can only make the situation worse. The man will feel the pressure and begin to resist internally, but in fact, spend more free time with his first children. Eat good proverb, which reflects the following situation: the harder you hold, the faster it will slip away.

And when a man obeys and stops communicating with ex-family(not without the direct or indirect participation of the current wife)? Then it’s worth remembering that he may repeat his act again, but with the same woman.

3. Children from husband's first marriage They often treat their new spouse with hostility, or at least with coldness. A woman just needs to try to accept this, to calm down herself (after all, she cannot change the situation). This will allow the children themselves to get comfortable. When will they realize that current wife their dads do not pretend to take their place (after all, she is not a child, but a spouse), then the relationship will level out.

4. Children in a second marriage cannot replace the father of the first children. This is the law of hierarchy, which works in the Universe, not only in the world of the family. How to understand this? The first child is initially in first place in this hierarchy; he will always be first and will remain in any situation (“first”, not to be confused with “main”). Children in subsequent marriages, accordingly, will be second, third, etc. (but not secondary) for the father (even if the first children do not maintain contact with their father).

This needs to be remembered and taken into account (ask your husband provocative questions, demanding a change in behavior will only ruin everything). In order for the relationship to improve, this fact must be accepted, since it is impossible to change something.

5. Joint meetings, as the experience of many women shows, only spoil the relationship, both between father and child, and between current spouses.

Why is that? Jealousy, insecurity, guilt and resentment. All this should be absent on both sides so that everyone feels comfortable during the walk. Only then can you try free time together.

If the current wife has a desire to establish communication with the children, then it is better to start doing this without her husband (but after notifying him and receiving consent). Meetings “on neutral territory” will make it easier to find mutual language. The behavior of children and women will be more natural and sincere.

6. The feeling of aggression, jealousy, hatred that the current wife most often experiences towards the children from her husband’s previous marriage comes from a repressed feeling of guilt (an internal state, not a moral postulate) before this family. This is bad, firstly, for the woman herself. To overcome such negativity, you need to allow the feeling to come out.

Perhaps this will be a trip to a psychologist, to church, art therapy, a letter (you don’t have to send it), a conversation with a stranger, with your husband, in the end. How do you get rid of guilt? A woman must first understand and accept the fact that her marriage became possible due to her first marriage. Then she will feel guilt and realize it. On last stage you need to forgive yourself for the fact that everything happened like this. Feeling guilt and getting rid of it is an important component of inner harmony.

A heavy burden for wise wives

“Why are there so many demands on a wife in a second marriage? It's not fair! – these same wives may quite logically be indignant. There are always many more difficulties in the family, if at least one spouse comes with baggage, so the requirements also increase. But if the current wife was able to keep new family, A children from husband's first marriage did not become her enemies, then this is truly a very wise, persistent and patient person. And the happiness of such a woman will also be many times greater, as will the happiness of a man who is lucky to find a worthy wife at least this time.

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So, one of you (or maybe both) is marrying a person who already has experience family life. He even has children... In this case, you should think about something in advance and thereby avoid problems arising in connection with children from your first marriage.

The situation with children from a first marriage looks different for men and women: after a divorce, the vast majority of children remain with their mother. This means that a man who marries a woman with a child or children will live with these children, take care of them, or at least communicate with them.

A woman who marries a man who already has a child or children, most often, does not live with his children. Despite this, women have problems because of their husband’s children no less often than a man who lives with his wife’s children.

The situation through the eyes of a man
How to gain authority

At all times, it is important for men to have authority. Self-esteem and feeling like a real man are connected with this.

Often, a man, building a relationship with his wife’s children, believes that the child should respect him due to his age. The man begins to advise, and sometimes even demand, what to do, what and how to say to the child, and how to behave.

Now, judge for yourself: Do you respect many people because of their age? Not everyone. So is the child. He knows very well that adults are different. And he, just like you, does not understand why he should obey a person who appeared in his life not too long ago. And if there is a father who regularly visits his child, then it is even more difficult to explain.

How is authority generally gained? Not necessarily a child, any person? Firstly, by doing certain things that are valued and are not overly simple. Secondly, attitude. If you treat a person with respect, the chances that he will respect you are very high.

A child always understands very well how he is treated - as an annoying nuisance or with attention and love. The actions of a person who is friendly and family relationships with a child, always differ from actions whose goal is to quickly get rid of the child.

However, regardless of affairs and attitude, it takes time for the child to begin to treat you with respect. Therefore, remember: no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, the child will not begin to love you overnight.

How to deal with a child's jealousy

Most likely, for some period of time the child had complete control over his mother. Yes, there was a dad, but he left (or mom left). And he lived alone with his mother. As a rule, a child is much more satisfied with such a situation than living alone with a stranger who, moreover, is vying for his mother’s love, attention and time. Child naturally starts to get jealous.

Show your child that you are not claiming all of his mother’s free time. If you want your child not to be jealous, organize joint walks and entertainment more often. This is worth doing for two reasons: firstly, positive emotions unite. Secondly, over time, the child will get used to you and stop opposing himself and his mother.

The situation through the eyes of a woman

You are getting married! Perhaps yours future husband somewhat older than you and he already has children. You value his life experience, responsibility and honesty. You think that, of course, children from your first marriage need to be taken care of, and you are in no way going to make a problem out of this. All this is true, but in saying this, most future wives are a little disingenuous. Before marriage, everyone paints an idyllic picture life together, in reality everything may be different. Children from previous marriages sometimes disrupt your plans and demand increased attention their fathers (who, unlike husbands, are never exes!), as well as material investments. All this can give rise to a number of problems.

Jealousy

When you, without any particular reason, oppose your husband meeting children from his first marriage, when you are annoyed by the excessive presence of your husband’s child in your life, most likely, we're talking about about jealousy.

It was before the start of your life together (or wedding) that you had more free time for each other - and now life is returning to its usual rut, time is devoted to work, friends and, of course, the child from your first marriage. They began to devote less time to you. How so? - you exclaim! When you said that you would be glad to have any contact between your husband and your child, you didn’t think about how long it would take and whether it would affect you. But it turns out that he loves his child very much, since he sacrifices the time he can spend with you.

In fact, the situation is not so dramatic. To take it more calmly, think or discuss with your future husband how he plans to communicate with the child. Is he going to bring him to your common Home, take with you on vacation? How often do you plan to meet with him? Sincere answers to these questions (and, of course, your agreement that everything will be exactly like this) can prevent many conflicts (unless, of course, you convince yourself that over time you will convince your husband to spend less time with the child) .

Not only children...

Many women do not like their husband’s contacts with children from his first marriage, because while communicating with the child, he often communicates with his ex-wife. And the more often and longer this communication is, the more suspicious it sometimes looks in the woman’s eyes. And this is not to mention talking to your ex on the phone.

Do you trust your husband? If not, only time and common sense. But most likely, mistrust and jealousy - for one reason or another - appeared before. Therefore, it is not surprising if you become jealous of him and ex-wife.

Another reason for increased suspicion is lack of confidence in oneself and one’s own strengths. When a woman is confident in herself, she does not suspect her husband of having an affair with his ex-wife. If you doubt your own attractiveness or ability to interest a man long years- you need to take care of yourself, and not blame yourself on a healthy one - suspect your man of all mortal sins.

Common children

You are starting a family. You are planning to have children. What does your future husband think about this? Perhaps a child or children from his first marriage is enough for him. And this can also become a stumbling block between you.

If your future spouse is in no hurry to have children together, your attitude towards his existing children may worsen. Precisely because because of them your dreams do not come true. However, such a situation can also be predicted in advance, without being afraid to raise this topic before the wedding.

If your husband himself wants a child from you, the situation becomes much simpler, but for many - only for the time being. Because you can expect that by giving your husband a child, his contacts with the child or children from his first marriage will be significantly reduced. And also material injections into the previous family will be reduced. And if this does not happen, the situation becomes more complicated.

However, this situation can also be “calculated”. It is enough not to convince yourself that your common child will drive all previous children out of his heart. It won't displace. Yes, he will love yours common child, will spend more time with him - because she lives with him, but this does not mean that he will not miss the other children and will not want to spend time with them.

You and your husband's child

In order to feel more comfortable and calm, you can try to establish communication with your husband’s child from his first marriage. Unfortunately, this is not always possible for everyone - many mothers have a negative attitude towards the child’s contacts with the father’s new wife.

If your meeting has taken place or is becoming regular, try to be natural. There is no need to lisp and exaggerate your delight. Get to know your child as you would any other person. Take an interest in his affairs, show attention, and, of course, leave him alone with his father when necessary.

Don’t try to buy a child’s attitude with gifts, you will only educate consumer attitude to yourself. If you can, love him. Sooner or later, the child will grow up and understand what you did for him.

The situation through the eyes of a child

It is easier for some to establish contact with a child by imagining the situation through his eyes. Through the eyes of a little person whose life changes regardless of his wishes. He is left without one of the family members - if dad leaves for another woman, and mom has not yet met another life partner. Or another option is that a stranger comes to his house, with whom the mother will now take into account and largely rely on his opinion.

What will happen to him? How will this affect him? Most children who are hostile towards their stepfather (or stepmother) are simply afraid. Afraid of losing his mother's love, afraid that he will be controlled - and who? - a person who has nothing to do with him!

The child does not control the situation, although many mothers consult with the child - “Would you mind if this uncle stays with us?” Sometimes these discussions are fictitious. The world to which the child is accustomed is changing. In such situations, the child often begins to manipulate adults - to make sure that things can happen the way he wants!

And here it is important to find a middle ground: on the one hand, do not tyrannize the child (it is no secret that a child himself can provoke aggression with his behavior), on the other hand, do not follow his lead, do not stand on his head, just to cheer him up or appease him. Don't buy everything, don't praise everything. Believe me, a child perfectly feels when a good attitude is sincere and when it is hypocritical. And for him, human warmth is much more valuable than a room filled with gifts and a minimum of communication.

Entering remarriage, most men leave children in their first family, whom they continue to care for. Often the husband's children from his first marriage remain to live in his second family. various reasons: the poor financial situation of the ex-wife, her departure from the country to foreign countries, or her own decision with the desire to gradually return the love of her husband and family.

To love or not to love, to be a new family or not to be?

Not every woman who has started a family with a divorced man wants or can raise her husband’s child. Sometimes a woman begins to be jealous of her husband for his past, ex-wife and children, and sometimes she simply does not have enough experience to raise adult daughter husband from his first marriage or several children.

Often there is confrontation and rivalry between two women (wives) in the desire to capture the heart of a man and solely possess it. In this " cold war" are used different methods to save happy family, but only children suffer. Children take all the negativity and disagreements between father and stepmother personally and are constantly in under stress.

In other cases, the second wife gets along with the children and takes good care of them, but is also stressed due to jealousy of the ex-wife and her children, fear of losing a loved one, and therefore makes irreparable mistakes that the man cannot accept or forgive.

When marrying a divorced man, a woman must understand and firmly accept her loved one with all his past, which has become an integral part of his life. There is no point in changing or forgetting your past, so to create strong family a woman needs to reconcile herself and accept her husband and children, or find another man for herself, without a “burden” on her shoulders.

If in new family If the husband's daughter or son lives from his first marriage, it is important to understand that ex-wife can participate in raising a child, visit him, call his ex-husband, which is necessary for the well-being and peace of mind of both the child and all the adults surrounding and raising him. In turn, the stepmother should discuss with her husband the methods of raising and caring for his child. It is impossible to separate children together from stepdaughters or sons in terms of food, clothing, routine and regime in the family, attention and love. You cannot love a child more or less. They are either loved or not loved. If a woman cannot love her husband’s child from his first marriage, she should not start a family with such a man, since she herself will suffer first. Love and well-being in the family will be replaced by anger and irritation, which will lead to divorce.

What happens if…

If the child remained in the first family, then the woman will have to come to terms with the fact that the ex-wife will call her husband with messages about the child’s health, his successes or problems, or with a request to buy something for him, to take him to the cinema or the zoo. In this case, psychological well-being new wife fades into the background, since the ex-wife considers herself a victim, and not an aggressor - she will no longer have the opportunity to give birth and raise a child with ex-husband in a complete family. Therefore, you need to find strength and treat her regular visits in her husband’s life with understanding.

It will be better for everyone if the wife does not interfere with her husband’s communication with his child and wife from his first marriage. A woman who tries to maintain excellent family relationships will herself remind her husband that he has a growing child who needs his father’s attention. She herself will find opportunities and ways to create good relationships with his children, and will not transfer all the negativity associated with jealousy of her ex-wife onto her husband’s child.

An intelligent and far-sighted woman does not connect love for a child with the relationship between her and his father; she remembers that her husband chose her to love and create a family, and now he is next to her. She understands that a child is much weaker than an adult and has a harder time with her parents’ divorce, so she is not able to take away the love and attention of a man from her. If the presence of someone else’s child still weighs on a woman, she should leave her husband alone with the child as much as the situation requires.

A woman who constantly wants to have an extremely close relationship with her husband emotionally, most often jealousy arises about the past of her beloved, since she considers him “the very best” and the only one in the world and wants her husband to treat her the same way. She understands that her husband also had feelings for other women, which further aggravates jealousy and causes fear, because she was not and never will be in those emotional connections of her husband. She is afraid that he may return to his ex-wife, constantly compares himself with her, worries and jealousy, and dumps negativity on the child.

To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to rely on real events, in which current relationships are very important. A woman needs to take into account that her husband chose and loves her for those qualities that are valuable and significant to him. She must thank her ex-wife in her heart for the child her husband is so happy about, who can just unite and strengthen their family.

If a wife does not trust her husband, if she feels unsure of herself and her strengths, friction arises in the relationship between her, her husband and his child. Confident woman will not suspect her husband of having an affair with his ex-wife. If, when she sees her reflection in the mirror, her own attractiveness does not please a woman, then in order to interest a man for many years, you need to go to a spa or hairdresser, visit a stylist - take care of your appearance! Then confidence will return, suspicions of all the mortal sins of the husband will disappear, and relationships with his children will improve.

How to gain a child's authority

The child always feels the attitude towards himself from his parents, especially from his stepmother: love or attention or irritation and anger. They see all the actions of adults trying to quickly “get rid of” the child, then he considers himself an annoying obstacle in the relationship between father and stepmother. In other cases, the child sees all the efforts of the parents to create friendly relations in the family, so he gradually gains respect and love for his stepmother, because you can’t force anyone to love you overnight.

Sometimes a child is jealous of his father, since he previously owned him undividedly. Now he has to share his father's love with his new mother. In this situation, the woman needs to show her husband’s child that she does not claim all of his father’s free time, and more often organize joint walks or games for them. Nothing brings people together better than shared positive emotions. Time will pass, and the child will no longer oppose himself to his stepmother.

If the husband is in no hurry to have children together, this also becomes a stumbling block between her and other people’s children. To dreams about own child come true, you need to take your husband’s child as an ally. If there is a trusting and good relationship between the stepmother and her husband’s child, she will be able to convince him of the need to have a brother or sister. Then the son or daughter themselves will ask the father that he and the stepmother give them a little and dear friend or girlfriend.

When a woman builds her relationship with her husband’s child, it is not recommended to show excessive lisp and exaggerate her delight in communicating with him, to give a large number of gifts. This way the stepmother can cultivate a consumer attitude towards herself. You need to show attention and take an interest in his affairs, give advice without imposing your opinion. You should always be interested in what the child himself wants and discuss this with your husband when the need arises. Love between a stepmother and a child will sooner or later arise along with a trusting relationship. With age, the child will understand that building such relationships is sometimes very difficult and difficult.

How does a child feel in a new family?

If you look at the situation of a father marrying a stranger through the eyes of a child whose life is radically changing without taking his wishes into account, then you can understand that the child is overcome by fear and despair. If a father leaves his mother, the son or daughter may blame themselves for this or consider themselves useless to anyone. If stranger woman comes to their house as his father's new wife, then the child will become jealous of her father and will be afraid of losing his love and attention. In addition, he will have to carry out assignments and take into account the opinion of his stepmother. Fear does not allow the child to control the situation, then his familiar world collapses or changes. Similar situations force the child to manipulate adults in order to achieve what he wants, even at the cost of a destroyed relationship between father and stepmother.

In such situations, when a child provokes aggression with his behavior, it is important for a woman to find a middle ground, that is, not to become a tyrant, but also not to follow his lead, not to stand on his head in order to appease him or cheer him up, not to praise the child and buy him “everything at once” that he wants. A child can distinguish hypocrisy from a sincere and kind attitude, and can appreciate human warmth.

Now we can summarize. What should a woman do to save her marriage with a divorced man with children? Recommended:

1. Accept your loved one with his children and relationship with ex-wives. Build her relationship taking into account her husband’s past, because she knew what she agreed to when starting a family.
2. Remember and not hope that your former rival will take her psychological well-being into account.
3. There is no need to feel a sense of aggression and guilt towards your husband’s ex-wife and make this feeling the cornerstone. It is necessary to treat her and her husband’s child with respect and responsibility, which can create trusting relationship in the family, which a joint child will help strengthen.
4. Do not interfere with the husband’s communication with his ex-wife and children for the purpose of raising and caring for the children. Show loyalty and do not forbid the husband to call and receive calls from the children and first wife, accept the child into the new family, communicate and go for walks with him.
5. Find a common language with your husband’s children, diversify communication with gifts and entertainment. If the first wife is against such communication, there is no need to insist and be offended, allowing the father to independently solve problems with the children.
6. Remember that a man can become a follower and lose his independence if, to please his wife, he stops caring for and communicating with the children from his first marriage. If family relationships lead to divorce, then the man can do the same with his second wife.
7. Allow a man to firmly strengthen his paternal position in relation to his spouse and children from his first marriage, to build a “civilized” relationship with his first wife. Equal treatment should apply to both joint children and children from a first marriage.

Often a man feels like a “prize” in the struggle between past and present, in the struggle between two women. Some men like it, many find it annoying and make life uncomfortable.

When entering into marriage after a divorce, for its preservation and well-being in the family, a man is recommended to:

1. Do not forget that he remains the father of his children remaining in the first family.
2. Respect your ex-wife, despite the unsightly actions she committed during the first period of separation.
3. Maintain and develop communication between the new wife and children from her first marriage, without requiring her to Great love. If you make successful attempts to build a relationship between your wife and your son or daughter, give her compliments, give her flowers and surprises more often, possibly together with the children.
4. To eliminate jealousy on the part of your wife, you need to create “transparent” relationships with your previous family, convince your wife that she is main woman in his life. A confident woman is always loyal to the mother of his children and creates a calm environment in the house.
5. Do not separate children from a new and previous marriage, treat everyone equally, so as not to provoke children's jealousy, the consequences of which can be disastrous. We need to make all children feel needed and loved.

If the child feels the father's care and attention from his second wife, her good relations, his psyche and health will not suffer, which will have a positive effect on his behavior and a warm atmosphere in families.

Question for a psychologist:

I would like to consult with you... I am 30 years old, 5 years have passed since my divorce from my husband (my son is 5 years old), after that I have not been able to build a relationship. Now I’m trying to understand the reasons and reading your articles. A man appeared, we were together for a little while, and he seemed to say that he wanted to be together only with me... and build a house...

But on this moment I'm very concerned about one thing. He has a daughter (5 years old), they divorced a year ago. When he left the family, he left the apartment to his wife and child. Where does the ex-wife live with her partner and daughter now? He goes to sea and seems to make good money. But having arrived from the sea, he asked me which apartment to buy and where... I thought that this was for us (now he lives with his mother) and I do not have the opportunity to live together. As soon as he bought the apartment, he brought his daughter there and said that this was a gift for her! I was very upset because... We have nowhere to live and spend time together. He says wait until we earn money for the house. And he saw all my upset, and therefore he thought that I was only interested in the financial part of him. This is wrong. And I tried to explain this to him. But no matter how I tried to accept his action, the resentment still sits somewhere deep. And I also understand (and he himself said) that he will always help his daughter, which means that everything will always not be enough for her... (apartment, study, a new car), but I want a family, a house and more children)! !!

I don’t know what to do?!((((I don’t really want to break up. But I understand that he will constantly put me (and especially my son) in second or third place (((. And this will constantly offend me. Accept .. then how? I’m still not good at (((Conversation, then he also perceives it as me being against his communication and helping his daughter. Although this is not so, and I explained it. I want him to communicate, help, but in within reasonable limits.

Should I end this relationship? I'm all in thought... Although I see that he has great sympathy for me. We walk, go to the cinema, etc., first he walks with his daughter, then he takes her to her mother, although the daughter wants to spend the night with him, but he does not take her and goes to me. I don’t know what to do... I beg you to help.

Psychologist Lyudmila Yurievna Gnatyuk answers the question.

Hello Svetlana!

Let's start with why are you even next to him? If you are looking for a person who will simply buy you a home, this is one strategy; if you are pleased that he has sympathy and you take advantage of it, this is another.

But if you want “all inclusive”, i.e. and feelings, and wealth, and mutual understanding, then first of all you need to ask yourself. You are a woman, you are a conductor of energy and emotions, through a woman a man is filled with experiences and inspiration. But provided that these feelings are sincere! And you rather start bargaining like in the market, but don’t write anything about your feelings. Or rather, write about the upset and disappointment that the apartment is not for you, but for your daughter. That’s why he said that you are only interested in the financial part, perhaps this is the only thing he saw, you don’t show everything else?

How do you express tenderness/gratitude/affection/interest/pleasure for him to be around?

How do you express your anger and irritation, indignation, resentment?

If you try to keep all this quiet and seem like an angel, then he will feel your falseness and the last thing he will want to do is do something for you. Look at his daughter, how does she show joy and delight to him? She charges him with these experiences and he wants to try and do even more for her. In addition, it is a wonderful trait of a man to be responsible for his words and actions. Since he is a father, then this is forever! And there is no such scale where it is necessary to measure how much he cares or how little he needs, the main thing is from the heart. And he copes with this.

But you don’t really want to last... Be honest with yourself and with him. There is nothing wrong with being upset about housing. Just say it like a woman, that you wanted, dreamed, waited and... now you feel sadness and sadness. Share with him your fears and grievances. Live it all, don’t keep it to yourself, don’t try to be good, comfortable, sweet when your heart hurts. This is the prevention of diseases, a full-fledged mental life, and the birth of intimacy and trust between you. Yes, when we open up, we become vulnerable and we can get hurt. But if you are afraid and avoid this all the time, then what is the joy of life then?

I think that you should also reconsider your attitude towards your first spouse. Most likely, a whole cart of grievances and unjustified expectations also comes from there. The key skill in life is not to be able to forgive, but to be able to ask for forgiveness. Because when we are in the position of someone who forgives, we are, as it were, on top, and when we ask for forgiveness, we also take part of the responsibility upon ourselves, responsibility for our reaction to the situation.

The reaction of resentment is the position of a child; an adult has more developed thinking and is able to express his dissatisfaction and clarify the situation. But when we don’t want to take on this responsibility, but shift it onto someone else, we choose to be offended, then they owe it to us, not us. Therefore you need to start with ex-husband, and even better from mom and dad, with whom things are probably not going smoothly with you either. But since you don’t ask about this, I won’t dwell on it.

I can’t make a decision for you and write what to do and what not to do, I’m not the Lord God and I can’t foresee everyone possible nuances. But my personal experience shows that you need to start with yourself, with your pride, with the ability to be responsible for your actions, with the ability to be honest.

You are afraid that he will put you and your son in the second or third place. But you want to be on top, you want to receive, but what can you give him yourself? If the question is posed in such a way that I don’t owe him anything yet, let him first prove/give/help me something, then this is pure mercantile interest. And in this case, you need to bet on someone who has what you need. All deep relationships begin when feelings appear: respect, gratitude, joy, delight, pleasure, trust/love in the end. What do you feel for this man? This is your only guarantee successful relationship– Your feelings and how you will express and show them to him. Just be yourself, read more, engage in self-development. Learn to respect and be grateful. Learn to love not only yourself and yours, but also him and his child. Start doing something nice for others just like that, without expecting anything in return, then what you dream of will come to you.

Relationship with a divorced man- not an activity for the faint of heart. Sometimes it can be very difficult to come to terms with the fact that somewhere in a corner of the earth lives a woman to whom he once swore eternal love in front of the altar, and then for a long or short period of time shared one living space.

Jealous It can be difficult for individuals to live with these thoughts, so it is generally advisable for them to avoid such young people. Although men do not always maintain relationships with their ex-wives, and if your chosen one is one of them, then you can calmly start a relationship with him, without fear that he will ever want to return to his ex-wife. But in this case, there may be many other problems that have fallen on your head.

However there is one layout, in which relationships with a divorced man are difficult not only for the owners, but also for the usually patient ones. This is the situation when your loved one has a child from a previous marriage. To understand whether or not it is worth throwing yourself into this pool, you need to carefully analyze many points and understand for yourself whether you can exist under such circumstances.

1) A mandatory factor is that you have a previous marriage and children.. If you, like him, are divorced, and you also have a child from your ex-husband, the situation takes on favorable shades. After all, in this case, you will understand all his worries, problems, communication with his ex-spouse. You won’t whine and pester him with questions about why he devotes so much time to his previous family; at this moment you can take care of your child yourself. You are in a similar situation, so it will be easier for you to find common ground. And conflicts based on jealousy and other nonsense about former partners you are unlikely to have any problems.
In most cases, children after divorce remain to live with their mother. Therefore, you will have to work hard and make friends with a new man in your family. Don't expect your new lover to love your child as if he were his own. In any case, his blood children will be a thousand times dearer and closer to him, but this should not upset you. After all, you are not going to devote too much time to his child either.

2) If you have never been Married, and you don’t have children, then communicating with such a man can bring you a lot of unpleasant moments.
If he continues to support a good relationship With ex-wife, this situation may not be entirely pleasant for you. But there is no escape from this, because they have a common child, for whose future they are both responsible. You will have to accept that some weekends they will be the whole family, even though they are no longer a family.

Your man will spend a lot money on your child, accordingly passing them on through ex-wife. That is, if you decide to have a joint family, you will have to plan it in such a way as to include his child in the expenses. You probably won’t be entirely pleased with this circumstance, but you won’t be able to do anything about it. He will also have to accept that during some holidays he will have to visit his past family.

He might want to introduce you you and your child. What to do in this case is up to you to decide. But keep in mind, if you suddenly claim to be his future wife, then you will most likely have to not just get acquainted, but even make friends with his child. If he managed to maintain a good relationship with his ex-wife, then he will want you to treat her with at least a small amount of respect. And no matter how much you like this woman, you will have to pretend and act friendly with her.

3) If your man It didn’t work out to break up with my ex-wife as friends, here the situation could be even worse. After all, endless wars between them over the separation of the child can adversely affect your well-being. You will have to constantly reassure your lover and share his sorrows. Sometimes such disagreements even reach the courts. After all, often the woman left with the child forbids him to meet with his father, constantly turning him against him. Willy-nilly, you will also have to constantly, at least indirectly, take part in these showdowns, which sometimes last for years.