How to decide on a divorce when the family is no longer possible to save. Who is the real victim. Who needs addiction treatment

A family is a great work of two people, their desire to be close, to please each other. But in any relationship, crises happen. Some have learned to experience them, while others disperse without finding a compromise. More often men leave, while women doubt for a long time and do not know how to decide on a divorce from their husband. But sometimes it's the only way.

To get started, decide

Quarrels and misunderstandings always happen between people who spend most of their lives together. They have to share life, money and living quarters. Against the backdrop of accumulated problems, feelings are drowned out, vanity absorbs passion.

In the next moment of crisis you think there is no future. In the heat of the moment, we begin to do stupid things and say nasty things.

But, when arrogance subsides and devastation sets in after another quarrel, it is important to sit down and think, decide what is really happening. Perhaps it was just accumulated fatigue that spoke today. Or is it really all over and the person next to you causes only irritation?

The bottom line is that the decision to divorce should not be taken at once (of course, if this is not a situation out of the ordinary). Take your time, think, it's a serious matter. Imagine yourself without this person. Can you do without it?

How to decide on a divorce?

The most difficult thing is to put the spouse before the fact. This is especially difficult to do if he does not guess. When you constantly quarrel and have already stopped sleeping in the same bed - it's easier, but when you understand that this will come as a surprise - it's hard.

From excruciating remorse, aggression begins to manifest itself, you swear more strongly with him, but he does not guess everything. That's why don't pull, don't go in circles:

1. Select right time and place;
2. Without further ado, communicate the decision and explain the reasons;
3. And let me know in practice that everything is serious. If possible, move out to another living space, if it is not there, go to another room until you solve housing problems.

Main - don't be rude, don't be rude even when he is in shock and tries to provoke you. Instead, show respect.

Often in such cases, people close up, do not want to communicate anymore under any pretext. If so - accept, he will survive, get sick, maybe then he will be able to see you. This is the usual self-defense, a person is trying to get rid of the source of pain. Give him that opportunity.

How to decide on a divorce from an alcoholic husband?

It seems that in this situation everything is clear - run without looking back. After all, this is not life, but torment. But often women endure to the last and are afraid. Then it is better to turn to a psychologist, he will sort out life priorities on the shelves, help get rid of a sense of responsibility to this person.

Think about how much time you spend fighting a disease for which a person does not want to be treated. You could manage these years differently.

And how much money is spent on alcohol. Money that he most likely does not earn. Wouldn't it be better for you to spend them on education, improving living conditions.

Look around you, how much you lose by living with an alcoholic. And you get nothing from life except tears and problems. Only your will power can solve them. The main thing is to understand that he chooses this way. You need to move on and live better.

If there is a child in the family

Of course, it is much more difficult to disperse when there is a baby. Without children - they fled, divided property and forgot. And so it is necessary to inform him and this is a shock, he does not even suspect that this is possible.

But on the other hand, if the father does not pay attention to the child while spending time with other women or friends. He does not work and does not support his family, and scandals constantly flare up at home - it is better to disperse. After all, the baby looks at you, takes an example, especially if it is a boy. He will take as a model the behavior of the pope.

Don't be afraid to shock him, talk to your child. What age he would not be, have an adult conversation. Do not deceive, do not get out, and most importantly - do not insult your father, he must respect him now. And when he grows up he decides how to perceive what happened.

It happens that the reason for the divorce was not the father, he was caring, fulfilled his duties. It is your fault that the family breaks up, perhaps another man has appeared, or you simply no longer love your spouse. In this case, calmly explain to the baby and do not pull, otherwise the fear and irritation that torment you will provoke causeless scandals and abuse.

Despite the fact that you are the initiator, you are no less worried. To everything else, there is also a feeling of guilt: “ I couldn't, I couldn't cope, I destroyed my family!". In such cases, psychologists advise to act as follows if a divorce is necessary:

1. Throw away the emotional component and live now with a cold calculation. be guided common sense use the situation as rationally as possible;
2. In order not to be forgotten, make a list of your spouse's shortcomings. Read it periodically, especially during emotional exacerbations. It will cool the mind;
3. Write down the reasons - why you are doing it, what you want to achieve. And at the end, in large print, indicate the result you want to achieve;
4. Borrow free time to the maximum;
5. Avoid meetings, do not follow him on social networks.

By following these elementary rules you will be able to cope with what is happening more easily. But remember that every situation is different, do not use these tips as a template.

How do you decide to divorce your wife?

Sometimes a man realizes that he does not feel affection for his wife, and the family weighs on him. Or the wife is seen in infidelity - he will begin to think about divorce. Of course, you need to decide on it, because doubts constantly creep into your head.

To take this serious step and not regret it:

• Analyze the situation carefully;
• Think about it, maybe you are tired and need to unwind;
• If everything is serious and there is no hope for salvation - leave;
• But do not run away secretly, tell your wife about your intentions;
• If you have children, you risk losing them. This is usually a strong deterrent. But, for the sake of them, it is not worth keeping a family in which there is no longer respect and understanding. you can stay good father So;
• Try to leave your spouse as soon as possible.

The main thing is not to humiliate and do not be humiliated, do not be rude. On the contrary, try to be a knight until the last moment.

So, we discussed in this article how to decide on a divorce from your husband. We tried to consider the issue from all sides. It became clear that it was necessary to act decisively, but depending on the situation. Main - keep your composure and keep respect no matter what happens. This is what you need first.

In this video, psychologist Natalya Tolstaya will tell you in what situation it is worth demanding a divorce from her husband, what happens after him with his family:

When registering a marriage, lovers believe that this is forever. Love and tenderness will be eternal. But sad statistics reports that in large cities the number of divorces reaches 80%. Already in a couple of years family life in the minds of the young, the thought slips that the relationship is not as smooth as they would like and they are thinking about terminating the union. How to decide on a divorce? This is a responsible step, because those who are thinking of taking it have strong doubts.

First, understand yourself, find the reasons that made you want to get a divorce. Psychologists name three main reasons:

• clan conflicts. big role in family relationships relatives play between spouses: fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters. A husband who is in conflict with his mother-in-law can splash out his discontent on his wife. Depending on how acute the scandals are, spouses may occasionally be visited by the thought of divorce. Should I get divorced in this case? Depends on the degree of attachment to relatives, on priorities, and so on.
• Emotional burnout. Having rich life experience behind you dulls emotions. After all, what happens for the first time is more experienced. Absence warmth, responsiveness, understanding can negatively affect family life. If emotions are important to you, then this could be serious reason for a divorce.
• unpreparedness for marriage. family in modern Russia is going through difficult times. The value of this social institution disappeared. Divorce has ceased to be something out of the ordinary. Incomplete families have become the norm. Much less often, children are brought up in marriage by both parents. Sometimes a minor conflict leads to discord, and the spouses are on the verge of divorce. They did not agree in character - for some, a sufficient reason for parting.

In life, there are more reasons for divorce: betrayal, the fading of love, the difference in temperaments, family tyranny.

I want to get divorced but...

Tired, tired, you can’t see each other, but you don’t dare to get a divorce. What is the reason for the doubts, what makes one keep a marriage that is unbearable for a person?

Let's highlight a few:

• Hope everything works out. Start life with clean slate psychologically difficult. Most people are ready to endure, cherishing the hope that life will get better.
• Having common children. I want my children to grow up with both parents. I don't want to hurt them by having to live apart from one of them. But how much better is it when there are daily quarrels and conflicts in front of children? And the lack of an example of a happy family life? Truly a dilemma. Psychologists, by the way, believe that children from incomplete families, adapt better in life than children living with conflicting mom and dad.
• Strong attachment to spouse. Many who want to get a divorce are faced with a dilemma: can I live without him? For this reason, the divorce that has taken place is very hard to experience, accompanied by depression and despondency.
• General living space. Spouses would disperse, but nowhere. Often people who are far from each other live in the same house or apartment. The material component in the most different options is the reason that stops spouses from divorcing.
• The opinion of others. Dependence on public opinion is a terrible thing. Because of her, they are humiliated family tyrant for years.

Even being on the verge, it is difficult for a woman to make a choice in favor of parting. Explanations for indecision are as follows:

• the feeling that, having parted with her husband, no one needs her;
• fear of what to arrange personal life with children will not work;
• financial dependence on her husband.

A man stops from such a step:

• fear of interfering with the spouse meetings with children;
• unwillingness to hurt;
• features of psychology that allow you to live full life, without experiencing discomfort, even when the marriage is bursting at the seams.

Due to their natural flexibility and mobility, men are less likely to file for divorce. More often than not, women are the initiators of divorce.

There are many reasons for thinking about divorce, each has its own boiling point. A rude word spoken during a conflict will be enough for someone. And someone is ready to put up with family violence, cheating, disrespect and so on.

Divorce will be the only right decision if the spouse is a drug addict or alcoholic who does not want to undergo treatment. You should not save the marriage also if:

• you basically have nothing to talk about;
• there have been repeated betrayals;
• the second half, despite the difficulties in the relationship, does not want to change anything;
• you are experiencing domestic violence;
• You can not agree with your spouse: to have children or not.

If such facts exist in married life, then no excuses, pity for the soulmate should not affect the adoption of drastic measures. If the reasons are not so serious, then, indeed, it is worth considering what to do.

Divorce is not a rash decision to make. The main thing that should be taken into account: how comfortable are you with the person, are you happy?

Living with a person out of habit, keeping a marriage for the sake of children or living space - seems to be the most stupid thing in family life. You should not sacrifice yourself, trying at all costs to save the marriage.

What to do to decide on a divorce

To make a decision, get rid of doubts, and for this:

• Think about the positives and negatives of marriage. Do you remember more good things or bad things?
• Imagine you are divorced. What will change in life? Will you become happier?
• Assess how close the person is to you. Do you want to come every day to the house where there is a stranger? Have something to discuss? Do you share your victories or experiences with your spouse?
• Remember, children need to see the real, sincere relationship of their parents. Do not teach them falsehood if you do not want to repeat your fate in them.
• Know that there is a person with whom life will make you happy. If you do not decide on a divorce, you will not allow yourself to meet him.
• If there is no happiness in marriage, then what will you lose by leaving your spouse? Divorce will give a chance to find this happiness.
• Being at a distance will help you make a decision. So it will be possible to analyze everything that worries.
• Understand, do you have a feeling of love for your soul mate?
• Imagine your life after divorce in three, five, ten years. If you see yourself happy in the future, then you should decide.

Remember that even in the happiest unions there are problems, conflicts, misunderstandings, streaks of failure. It seems that the relationship is on the verge, but the marriage can be saved if you want, and the difficulties will make the union even stronger. Keep this in mind when making your decision!

You shouldn't talk about breaking up if it's just thoughts. When doubts are thrown away, there is confidence that marriage with a spouse is not worth saving, then start a conversation. At the same time, it is worth preparing for it. What needs to be considered?

• Discuss honestly the reasons for the divorce. There are no right and wrong here. Assess what happened.
• Tune in correctly, make sure that the time allotted for this marriage has passed.
• Don't hesitate. If the other half is against a divorce, be firm. Make it clear that you can't change your mind. And persuasion and blackmail by children will only worsen the situation.
• Prepare to talk to your spouse. Be correct in your choice of words, respect your partner's feelings.
• Discuss the financial details of life after divorce: division of housing, property, etc.
• Decide who the children will be with after the divorce.

Divorce is a big shock, even if you have been preparing for it. Perhaps one of the spouses or children will need the help of a psychologist. This should not be considered unnecessary. Consultation with a specialist will allow you to understand what is happening, save you from depressive states and mental trauma.

The choice is hard to make, especially when it concerns your life. Being on the verge of making a decision to divorce, remember that it is difficult to change it, therefore, be clearly aware of the seriousness and deliberation of such actions.

Divorce from an alcoholic husband is perceived by people in different ways: someone will say that you can’t leave a person in trouble, and someone will advise you to think about your interests first. American psychologist George Simon, who wrote the world bestseller about manipulative people, warns: if it is difficult for a woman to leave drinking husband, most likely, he belongs to the covert-aggressive type of personality. Such people masterfully play the role of a victim and resort to a wide variety of tricks, only to keep their partner in a subordinate position.

The Woman Who Couldn't Get Away

Janice felt guilty about what she was about to do. This feeling haunted her for several days. She was preparing to leave Bill. She did not plan to divorce him, but she needed time and personal space to understand herself and what was happening. She felt that she would not be able to think clearly, staying in this house next to Bill. So she decided to leave for a while.

Sitting out of town visiting her sister, Janice realized what an incredible relief it was to be away from all those countless family conflicts. No, that didn't mean that she hated having to help her twice-divorced daughter raise a fatherless child, or that she didn't want to deal with her son, who dropped out of college, got fired from another job, and needed somewhere to live. . But she kept giving, giving, giving herself, and getting nothing in return. And now she, tired and devastated, really needed to do something for herself. She felt relieved—and, as usual, guilty.

First and foremost, Janice felt guilty about leaving Bill. She heard him talk about hard times at work. And he started drinking again, though not as much as before.

Bill didn't think he needed treatment or attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings because he never drank too much if his job and kids were fine and Janice supported him, and there was a certain logic to that. Janice was thinking about how Bill really does break out and do all the things that are associated with drinking binges (cheats, affairs on the side, aggressive antics) at precisely those moments when she is thinking about leaving.

She had tried several times before to leave him. Despite her usual guilt, Janice was sure that this time would be different. Bill said that if she needed to take some time for herself, she should. He said she didn't have to worry about problems at work, about the kids who needed attention right now, about his renewed binges. He understands that she needs to understand herself.

At first, the troublesome relocation and work worries did not leave Janice time to think much about Bill and the children. At first Bill, as promised, rarely called. Participated in Lately he explained the calls solely by the fact that he knows how important it is for her to be aware of what is happening with the children.

When during his last call Bill urged Janice not to worry about him, about his addiction to alcoholism and the fact that he might lose his job again, his speech was slurred and slurred. But he assured her that he was coping with the pain of separation and the problems of children as well as it could be done alone. For weeks after this conversation, Janice was haunted by guilt.

When the hospital called, Janice was confused. “Overdose?.. How could anyone be angry at a person who overdosed?!” she asked herself. Seeing Bill lying in a hospital bed with a tube pumping out the contents of his stomach, Janice completely put the doctor's words out of her mind that Bill had taken not enough painkiller to cause any serious damage to himself. She was convinced again that she had been too selfish.

Who is the real victim

At first, the call from the hospital made Janice angry. However, the reasons for this anger were incomprehensible to her. An inner voice told her that she had been taken advantage of, but Bill didn't seem to have done her any obvious harm. Therefore, she could not afford to feel anger and soon replaced it with the usual feeling of guilt. As a result, Bill in her eyes became a victim, not a manipulator. When everything returns to normal, the feeling of guilt will disappear - but it will be replaced by despondency and hopelessness again. It's a never ending vicious circle she's been through so many times.

Bill with amazing dexterity plays the role of a victim. He knows how to awaken sympathy in others and make them feel like scoundrels who have abandoned a person in trouble. And Janice has just such personality traits that make her buy into it. She does not want to cause anyone pain or suffering. She is one of those overly caring people who are much more concerned about the well-being of others than their own. When she thinks she is acting selfishly, she is overcome with feelings of shame and guilt. So when Bill combines the role of victim with pressure on guilt and an appeal to conscience, Janice is now quite ready to take the blame.

slot machine syndrome

In a manipulative, unequal relationship, a syndrome can develop that forces the victim to stay even when she regularly thinks about leaving. I call it a syndrome slot machine. Anyone who has ever played with a one-armed bandit knows how hard it is to stop pulling the lever, even if the loss is serious.

At the very beginning of the relationship, Bill was very attentive to Janice and praised her in every possible way. For Janice, this meant that he liked her. She appreciated this visible location very highly. However, it soon became clear that there was little to no approval or moral support from Bill until Janice had spent a significant amount of mental strength to fulfill his desires. From time to time, in exchange for meeting all his needs, she received a little desired recognition.

Over the years, she has put her heart and soul into the relationship to achieve these tiny "rewards." The slot machine syndrome gave her the illusion of being in control while she was being robbed to the bone. And now, when she has spent so much strength and energy, it will be very difficult for her to consider the option of parting seriously. Besides, if she did leave Bill, she would have to admit that she had been wrong for many years, and she would be ashamed of herself. Shame and guilt mean a lot to Janice and make the breakup even more difficult.

Who needs addiction treatment?

IN traditional model treatment, Bill would be viewed as a chemically addicted person, and Janice as codependent personality. However, the facts tell us that Bill - active-independent (aggressive) personality and tormentor, and Janice is not codependent, but just dependent personality and ideal victim.

Bill's active-independent style of suppressive behavior is reflected in literally everything he does. He has always worked for himself because he hates to report to anyone. He maintains a secret bank account from which some of his " business trips” with companions, and maintains a secluded apartment for spending time with women from his long list.

Although his portrayal of the distressed husband may give the impression that he is dependent on Janice, in reality his desire to keep her around is predominantly pragmatic. He has property and a good fortune, which he would not like to share in the course of divorce proceedings. He prefers to keep Janice on a leash and flirt in secret.

When Janice attempts to leave, Bill is not fighting to keep the woman he loves, wants to be with, and needs. He fights to maintain a dominant position. Being a personality with character disorders, Bill tends to see Janice as more of a property. And if so, then she cannot have the freedom to live her life or, worse than that to be happier with someone else. From his point of view, she is at his disposal, and therefore he perceives any movement towards independence on her part as a rejection and an attempt on his "right" to dominate her. Make no mistake: Bill is a very independent character.

Bill's behavior never met the criteria for a true chemical addiction. His drunkenness is more like human behavior, episodically abusing one substance or another. As is clear from observations, Bill abuses both alcohol and relationships with people.

Traditional chemical addiction treatment programs are the bane of all violent individuals. Inviting them to see themselves as people who are dependent in any way is a pointless undertaking, because throughout their lives they highly valued their active interpersonal independence.

Janice's behavior more closely matches classical model addictions. Because her self-esteem is strongly tied to Bill's assurances that he appreciates her, she is in painful addiction From him. Moreover, she is unable to give up a relationship that has become destructive for her, because she has become accustomed to their painful aspects and at the same time continues to receive from this relationship something that she desperately needs.

Her tolerance grows, and each time more and more serious abuse is required to inflict on her the pain that can revive the desire to break this attachment. Trying to free herself, she experiences a psychological hangover. Tolerance and withdrawal syndrome distinctive features real addiction. So people like Janice often get help from addiction groups.

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Comment on the article "How to decide on a divorce from your husband: you can't leave, you can't stay"

Discussion

What the hell, he won't leave a normal family. My ex did everything to break up, and then did what she could to get together, but I already had other plans.

It is best to endure and not get divorced, to keep your promise given at the wedding or in the registry office, to keep the family "nest" until death.

A divorce from an alcoholic husband is perceived by people in different ways: someone will say that you can’t leave a person in trouble, and someone will advise you to think about your interests first. American psychologist George Simon, who wrote the world's best-selling...

Discussion

Everything is simple. At the next call, just pick up the phone and ask the question: why are they calling? And live in peace, do not suffer.,

I think that you have always behaved like a nanny-mother towards your husband. Picked up each time the one you can feel sorry for, warm. At that moment, when you began to live together, all his friends and relatives sighed with joy and relief that their unlucky handsome friend or relative had finally settled down. They liked him and they were worried about him. And suddenly he loses a woman who cared about him and loved him in her own way. Of course, everyone will call in the hope that you will again begin to patronize him.

Divorce, instantly find an alcoholic who wants children with passion, give birth to more. My husband told me how he and his mother went to dad. They waited for the return, but mom became Another showdown with her husband - as much as possible, think about your son, about your mother, about your health, oh ...

Discussion

Well, at 28, not everyone has a concept of a family. Someone else wants to hang out with friends. Well, you know what weaknesses you have at parties - alcohol, cigarettes. If you love him, you should take care of the family. Weak person may give up quit and leave, and you try to save him and help him with

Well, what can you advise a woman who open eyes marries an alcoholic? At the age of 31, to believe that, here we will sign and he will immediately stop drinking. Yes, even dreams of giving birth from him! Are you completely stupid? In this situation, you have only two options: turn on your brain already and run away from it until you really get pregnant, or start drinking with it, then his booze will not annoy you.

Divorce from an alcoholic husband is perceived by people in different ways: someone will say that you can’t leave a person in trouble, and someone will advise you. She didn’t plan to divorce him, but she needed time and personal space to understand herself and in what is happening.

Discussion

what kind of divorce? you need to see a psychologist - write to fb we will analyze the essence. The psychology of M and F is different!! You will learn a lot. Don't run horses!! You can live 1-2 weeks separately, go on vacation, think. Or go somewhere together.

What was the end of the matter? Freedom without conversation?

22.07.2018 14:51:38, Gulnaranafreedom

Section: Marriage (Husband is an alcoholic, co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic). Am I doing the right thing? Here such a situation happened, I will And your task is to save yourself and your child. And if you decide to help him, then get a divorce, no matter how paradoxical it sounds.

Discussion

Hello!
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I can only say one thing: while my mother was greedy for a part of the apartment "zhaaalko ... he will get it ... and why uuu ..." - I, living with my drunk dad, earned myself neuroses, which I have not gotten rid of to this day.
So my option is simple: run away from it at all costs. Let him even sell with his share, even drink away, even die. Save yourself and your child. The property is making money, the past years cannot be returned.
The option "what if he comes to live" is incomprehensible to me. Will come - a call to the police and under white hands. Pity for the drunk is somehow alien to me.

(As a child of an alcoholic, I’ll tell you - get a divorce, children won’t thank you if they live their childhood in a nightmare. My husband’s father is an alcoholic, he beat his mother and children until she kicked him out (when the children were already adults), my husband hated him , protected his mother, but he himself became ...

Divorce from an alcoholic husband is perceived by people in different ways: someone will say that She did not plan to divorce him, but she had to. How to divorce her husband after 20 years of marriage. special reasons no for divorce, my husband is normal, but I don’t understand why at all ...

Discussion

My ex-husband parents have not lived together for almost 20 years, during this time they received a common apartment, they see each other periodically, relations are normal, but he almost never helped his son financially, although if he needed other kind of help, he did not refuse, during this time they periodically had other partners, not long before our divorce got back together. I don't know how now

Well, it's just a hangover that you'll have to deal with sometime anyway. It is clear that laziness, especially since nothing drives.
But it can be pinned down at the most inconvenient time, when it will be TERRIBLY inopportune to do this ... I would bring everything into legal compliance now.

How to decide on a divorce from your husband: you can’t leave, you can’t stay. Divorce from an alcoholic husband is perceived by people in different ways: someone will say that it is impossible At the very beginning of the relationship, Bill was very attentive to Janice and praised her in every possible way.

Discussion

Very similar to my husband. You will not feel better if you recognize his problems. Almost certainly a job (or salary). The fact that my husband regularly (almost every day) drinks - from 2 bottles of beer to 200 g of vodka was a shock to me. I've been struggling with this for almost a year now. We managed to convince my husband that he depends on alcohol, does not want to be treated, and is trying to stop drinking himself. Sometimes it is possible not to drink for 3-4 days, then he drinks again. I don’t know what to do. You can’t drag your hand to the doctor, by the way, the husband doesn’t go for treatment just because he’s sure that he will be coded, and he won’t be able to drink at all. And I want like all people - for the holidays.

04/19/2000 12:30:06 pm, Marina

I saw myself in the mirror. You wrote about me. I'm an alcoholic. I can't sleep if I don't drink. The stomach is broken. I'm afraid for the liver and heart. There are no problems in the family and at work. Not yet.

18.04.2000 15:37:28, ,

And then another evening came family circle when the soul is not at all warm and not joyful, but the thought once again comes to mind: “Maybe get a divorce?”. To begin with, I want to say that at least once this question arose in every married person. And therefore, you do not need to immediately doom your family to collapse, at the first alarms. If the thought of divorce is becoming more and more insistent, then it is time to resort to a deep analysis, whether this is really necessary.
So. Let's start by analyzing the reason why you suddenly wanted to leave the person with whom you once planned to live your whole life.

Reasons for divorce

Reason #1 is cheating. Perhaps the most common factor leading to divorce. However, many who have committed a decisive act and left the bonds of marriage subsequently begin to regret their deeds. How do you know if you are one of them when time will pass when emotions subside and a sober assessment of the situation comes? In fact, answering this question is not as difficult as it seems. You will understand the nature of your intentions if you just talk frankly with yourself. And to ask yourself, you need this: “What is true reason my jealousy?"
In fact, there are two types of jealousy and they are fundamentally different from each other. In the first case, the person is jealous, afraid of losing his partner. In this case, anyone who dares to smile at your dear half is considered a potential threat. Fear of losing! Because of him, a suffocating jealousy is born that can drive both partners into a corner. People who are prone to this type of jealousy are very emotionally experiencing the fact of betrayal, in the heat of anger, they are capable of violence, rough treatment, blackmail, and, accordingly, divorce. But it is they who later regret it. In fact, the opposite happened. The man was so afraid of losing his family that he divorced himself. Say "Paradox!"? Just a feature of the human psyche. A person flees from that which is not able to change or keep. As far as divorce is concerned, this case This big mistake. Better give yourself time. Wait until everything calms down, you will definitely find strength.
Another thing is when the basis of jealousy is not the fear of losing, but the fear of being deceived. Usually proud people, with a deep sense of dignity, are so jealous. Their feelings are no less strong. But it is much more terrible for them to live with a person who does not love them than to lose this person. Such people are not inclined to regret a divorce. For them, the best way out is to start new life.
Ask yourself what is the basis of your jealousy? And then you can understand whether it is worth crossing out the stamp in the passport.
Reason number 2 - "too different people." When, after several years of marriage, you tell others: “We are getting divorced because we didn’t get along,” then, most likely, they will think: “Well, wow! They lived for ten years, had children, and suddenly decided that they were not compatible! It took them a long time!"
Reason to think. Have you always been so different living together became impossible? In fact, both of you remain the same as at the beginning of the relationship. The difference is that you no longer want to put up with the shortcomings of your partner and more and more you want to remake him at your discretion. In order to never face such a problem as the dissimilarity of characters in the future, I advise readers of MirSovetov to remember one wisdom, but it is better to write it on the ceiling so that you can see every morning: “If you love, accept a person as he is and do not try to change him. If you desperately want to remake a person, then it’s better to leave him alone and find yourself another happiness.
I think that says it all. Draw your own conclusions.
Reason number 3 - "love has passed." Did she really pass? Perhaps resentment, unspoken claims, restrained emotions have accumulated? Very often, these factors can cause a cooling of feelings, but this does not mean at all that love has died and cannot be returned.
You have to dig deeper into yourself to understand what is really going on. Mentally act out tragic scenes that will best show where the truth is. Imagine, as vividly as possible, that your partner suddenly died. What do you feel? Woe? A pity? Remorse? Indifference? Now imagine that your husband (wife) has another family where he (she) is quite happy and does not remember you. What are the emotions now? Are you happy for him/her? Are you jealous? Are you jealous?
The more you imagine situations in which you definitely lose your spouse, the more clearly you will begin to realize whether love has passed. Thought-images will help you survive the event without waiting for it to appear in reality. The main thing is to be attentive to your feelings and be honest with yourself. You can even leave for a while and give yourself time to get bored. It also quite effectively awakens faded feelings.
If, in spite of everything, you continue to repeat “We are strangers. I can't and don't want to. Let him be happy, but without me. Then, indeed, it's time for you to get divorced, to give freedom to each other.
Reason number 4 - "tyranny".“And I can’t with him and without him I can’t!” A woman who says this is not really capable of breaking off a relationship. You hear this quite often. To which I always answer: “If you can’t live without him, put the thought out of your head that you can’t with him.” So say those whose cup of patience has not yet run out. It is useless to try to leave if there is a thought: “I drank all the blood, my strength is gone! But I love him damned! You'll be back anyway. You're just wasting your time. Don't even think about divorce. Endure further. Until there are no more words. Until the thought “But how will I be without him?” ceases to visit. Until he gets tired of looking for excuses like “And sometimes he is a golden man! And a master of all trades." You are not even ready to think about divorce yet.
There can be many reasons for divorce. But still, it is very difficult to take the last decisive step. Not everyone can cold-bloodedly cut the chains of Hymen, which were forged with such difficulty during for long years. How can you help yourself if it is already obvious that the family cannot be saved, but it is somehow scary to say it out loud? Here are some reasons to help you make your choice.

1. One day, sex will leave your life and only spiritual relationships will remain. If there is no true intimacy between you, you risk dooming yourself to a joint old age, full of longing and loneliness. Think about it, are you ready to die next to a person who has always been a stranger to you?
2. Your children will take as a model a fake relationship where people just live under the same roof, secretly blaming each other for their broken destinies. They have every chance to repeat your bitter life. Never having learned to truly love from a parental example.
3. Somewhere on Earth there is a person who is completely suitable for you and could not only find happiness next to you, but also bring happiness to you. At the same time, he (she) will have to continue to suffer and suffer because you did not have the courage to free yourself. You may never meet because on the right day you don’t, don’t buy a ticket to another city and you won’t find yourself in the same carriage with someone who has been hoping to find you all his life.
4. Think about it. Why be afraid? What do you have to lose? If there is no happiness in your life, then you can only lose the usual unhappiness. Divorce is great occasion start life from scratch. This is the beginning of change and new opportunities. This is a chance to give yourself what you really need.

And further. Deciding on a complete break is much easier at a distance. And therefore, before announcing your decision, find an opportunity to be alone. Just do not send SMS with the verdict "We are breaking up." Stay away, come back and talk like civilized people. That will be better for everyone. No matter how trite it may sound, but the more friendly your relationship remains, the easier it will be for both of you to start a new life.
That's all. Be happy, determined, and cherish your love.

Some people try to save their families at all costs because of the presence of joint children, housing, common loans, pity for a partner, etc. How can you decide on a divorce if you understand for sure that you won’t be able to save the relationship? The tips below will help you.

Think carefully about whether you really want to break up with a person. Take a piece of paper and write down what you don't like about it. Also write his good and pleasant sides. Be sure to talk to him about your problems in a calm and gentle manner. Let him know that you can no longer live the old way, and if the situation does not change in the near future, file for divorce. If a person values ​​relationships, he will try to make concessions. If not, the conclusion is obvious. There is no point in maintaining such a relationship. If you know for sure that you want to end the relationship, don't rush it. Give yourself some time to think. Think about how you will live after a divorce. Think carefully about where you will live, what to do, with whom to communicate. Make plans for the future and don't be afraid of problems. You need time to let go of the past and tune in to parting, and at the same time think about how to tell your spouse about it. But it shouldn't take too long either. Set deadlines. Many people are afraid of loneliness and think that they will not be able to meet a soul mate. The attitude is very important here - if you consider yourself unworthy better relationship you won't get them. You can meet your chosen one in adulthood. And if not (which is very doubtful), you can still fill your life with bright colors and make its continuation beautiful. Set yourself up for positive - and the universe will definitely give you a chance to be happy. If you are afraid of losing regular sex, remember that over time it will pass away and only spiritual intimacy will remain. Do you want your old age to be filled with doom and loneliness simply because one day you could not decide to change everything? Imagine your relationship in five, ten, thirty years. Are you ready to grow old and die with a person who is not really your real life partner? The answers to these questions will help you make the right decision. It is also worth thinking about children. If you try to maintain a relationship for the sake of family integrity, children will take a fake relationship as a model and consider it completely normal. Do not condemn yourself and your children to a life without love. If there is no more happiness in your life, what are you afraid of? Parting will become great occasion for new opportunities and positive change. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and your chosen one. Together you gained experience, but could not build a relationship because you did not fit together. Your care should also help him start a new life. You don't have to cut off communication completely. you can save friendly relations and support each other. Immediately after the divorce, it will be difficult, but in the long term - a great option. It often happens that it is difficult for a person to look at himself from the outside and give himself some advice. Emotions get in the way. It makes sense to visit family psychologist. An experienced specialist will help you direct your thoughts in right direction so that you can accept correct solution on one's own. Enlist the support of friends and family. After the divorce, it will be very important. At the right time, calmly and gently tell your spouse about your decision and about its reasons. The reaction largely depends on the nature of your relationship. Be prepared for the fact that he may become angry or completely withdraw into himself. Give him time to think things through and come to terms with the situation. If you have children, make sure that they are not around at this moment.

Hear your inner voice and understand what you really need. You may still be able to save the relationship, but if you do not need it, fight for your happiness. Here it would be appropriate to recall the Walter Black quote: “Starting from scratch is not crazy. It’s crazy to pretend to be happy, to pretend that this is the strap you have to pull all your life.