Crisis in relationships by year: catch and neutralize. Crisis in relationships. Psychology of relationships

Not so long ago you doted on each other, but today you feel a wave of irritation. You persistently look for flaws with your eyes, fixate on them without noticing good qualities. What is it, where did the happy marriage go? Has love really passed away? Psychologists believe that every family at a certain stage life together is experiencing a crisis of marriage and those who emerge from it with dignity move on to new level family relationships.

Crisis in marriage: searching for problems

At the heart of the turning point family life The development of relationships is always inherent. Therefore, most often it is not easy to find the causes of a family crisis, because what prevents one couple from moving on, becoming a stumbling block, the other, on the contrary, helps in overcoming difficulties.

What are the symptoms of a crisis in family relationships?

Problems in marriage do not arise empty space, most often, this is a consequence of everyday life and the influence of seemingly trifles. Svadebka.ws suggests considering the main alarm bells, signaling the beginning of a family crisis:

Absence or, conversely, a large number of conflicts- are you tired of quarrels in the house, or perhaps complete calm in family relationships is starting to alarm you? Think about it, this is most likely the first sign of a crisis in a marriage.
Blaming each other for all problems- constant search for those to blame, unwillingness to hear an opinion opposite to yours.
Excessive independence - pulling the blanket over oneself, one of the partners strives to resolve all issues in his own way, without taking into account the interests of the other.
Obsession - discussion of the same problems “to hell” or lack of communication in the family.
Cross on personal development for the sake of the family - a woman turns into a boring housewife, forgetting about herself and devoting her life to her husband and children.
Workaholism - a man prefers to while away his evenings at work, ignoring his loved ones. Usually he is driven to such an act by a bad experience - he was unable to assert himself in the family.
Lack of intimate life - one of the partners constantly avoids sex.

Family crisis: types and characteristics

There is a concept of the most explosive family ages, which can affect the quality of marriage or even cause divorce. Let's take a closer look:

The crisis is coming: what to do?

Regardless of how many years you have been married - a year or 20, it is important to understand that any crisis in marriage gives the spouses a chance to reach a new level of family relationships. A turning point in the life of a couple - driving force family development. Feel free to say “no” to depression, and our portal Svadebka.ws will be happy to share with you the secrets of a long and happy family life. What can you do? Answers to main question see below:

Support. Maximum participation in the partner’s problems can melt the ice between spouses.
Hear and understand. Silence destroys families, so if you don't understand something, ask. Talk about your feelings, because communication is the basis of a family. Don’t leave your partner alone with your thoughts, be interested.
Don't demand. Allow the person to cool down during the critical period, do not insist now and this very minute.
Don't sacrifice yourself. These kinds of concessions will only make your situation worse. Do not forget about yourself, completely dissolving in your loved one.
Don't escalate the situation during depression. Believe me, in such a difficult situation this will not work to your advantage. Please note that most often depression is a consequence of a boring and mundane lifestyle.
Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Learn to evaluate the situation from both sides.
Have your own personal space. To do this, it is not at all necessary to run away from home, just each family member should have a place of solitude.
Don't accumulate secret grievances. It is better to quarrel, psychologists say, and not to remain silent about the problems that have arisen. The ability not to turn a quarrel into a scandal will allow you to sort things out and move on without hidden grief.

Each loving couple Crises happen in relationships, and this is completely natural. A crisis is not just a quarrel with boiling emotions, but a turning point in the life of a man and a woman, when everyone takes stock for himself and thinks about what to do next: save the relationship or give up everything and go his own way...

To a greater extent this concerns married couples, since it is living together that usually becomes the cause of mutual claims. The point here is not even that the wife, in the husband’s opinion, is not economical enough, but he does not take care of the house or does not do it the way she wanted. Quarrels, of course, can arise for such reasons, but more often than not they serve only as an excuse for the release of accumulated irritation. In this article we will talk about true reasons crisis in relationships and possible tactics behavior of each party.

Types of crises in family relationships by year

Of course, the data is very, very generalized - it all depends on the conditions and lifestyle of the married couple. Some parents help them financially, so there are no significant claims from the point of view financial side does not arise. Others are going through serious difficulties, but this does not always bring everyone together. The birth of common children also does not always happen according to the planned schedule... However, psychologists have identified the most critical points regarding the length of family life, and few people manage to bypass them.

Types of crises in the family

In this video, psychologist Artem Tolokonin talks about the types of crises in family life and ways to overcome them.

Video source: Practical Psychology

Crisis of 1-2 years - the collapse of the romantic image of a lover

As you know, love is blind. A guy and a girl in love seem to be the most wonderful people on the planet, so they do their best to drive away thoughts about the possible shortcomings of the other half, even if everything is obvious from the very beginning. If, as they say, it is impossible to argue against the facts, then one of this couple is born with a delusion called “love will put everything in its place” or something like that.

According to psychology, girls are more naive in this regard. It seems to them that the guy they love will be able to change his behavior or “become a different person” for the sake of loving her, and if not, then it doesn’t matter what he is like, what matters is that she loves him!

On average it lasts about 1 year. In rare cases - up to 2 years. The time of falling in love is coming to an end, and then there is a fork in the road: either feelings develop into love, or pass without a trace. If during this " probationary period“One of the couple in love (and sometimes both) did nothing but deceive himself; naturally, there can be no talk of any love.

What to do:

Put your emotions aside. First of all, don't panic. Everyone, without exception, experiences a crisis in a relationship after a year together. Don't let the fact that your love affair is over scare you. A person in love accelerates the work of all body systems, and if this state drags on, very soon there will be no memories left of your health;
Assess the situation. Try to look at your loved one with different eyes - now you can do it. Everyone has shortcomings, but another thing is that we are ready to put up with some, while others are categorically unacceptable to us. One woman feels quite comfortable in a marriage with a man who is prone to cheating, and his behavior does not touch her to the quick, but she cannot stand the tedious reading of morality and just boredom. This means that in general positive person, with whom she is not interested, will not suit her as a partner. She needs, even if he is walking, but cheerful husband. The other, on the contrary, agrees to tolerate any attitude towards herself, just to be the only one in her spouse’s life... This is just an example and everyone draws conclusions for themselves;
Decide. If you feel so bad around your once loved one and you really understand that everything will only get worse in the future, there is no point in saving the relationship. In his company you will only waste time and completely say goodbye to peace. If this is really “your” person, then you should try to overcome the crisis in any way. Try to make concessions - there is nothing humiliating about it. Someone who only demands without offering anything in return evokes neither respect nor desire to be around.

Crisis 3-5 years - birth of a child

Looking at happy young parents walking with their babies, many couples have no idea what it really is like to be a father and mother. The wife thinks that after the birth of the child she will bask in the love and care of her husband, who will certainly be grateful to her for the birth of a son or daughter. The husband, in turn, often underestimates the scale of financial costs that await his family after the birth of an heir.

In the end, it turns out like this: he is forced to work for two people in order to support his family, and she devotes all her time only to the child, who completely deprives her of sleep, peace, and even the opportunity to eat normally - there is simply no time for that. The wife expects help from her husband, but he is forced to work overtime, and he lacks attention and affection from her. Intimate life couples in best case scenario suffers, at worst, is absent, and sexual dissatisfaction in any case results in conflicts, albeit under other pretexts.

What to do

Don't exaggerate. It’s really hard for you now, but it won’t be like this forever. When your baby is one year old (or maybe earlier), his sleep schedule will be as close as possible to yours and you will have more time for other things and rest. Yes, there will be more worries, but not everything is so bad! Firstly, you will already have much more experience and you will easily cope with them. Secondly, a child who falls asleep without rocking and can already at least somehow express his needs, in any case, causes less anxiety than a baby screaming for an unknown reason in the middle of the night. In general, don’t panic, don’t waste your energy on meaningless quarrels, and most importantly, understand that this difficult period is just a temporary phenomenon;
To interact. Help from spouses should be mutual. Complaining is much easier than caring. Each of the spouses is busy in their own way and does not pay due attention to the other, not because they don’t want to, but because they are simply not made of steel and are not able to be on time everywhere. It is unlikely that the wife infant in her arms can help her husband earn money, but she is quite capable of simply not taking it out on him once again Bad mood, that is, treat it with maximum understanding. Help is also possible from the husband: it would not be at all difficult for him, if not to help his wife with the housework, then at least temporarily to turn a blind eye to the disorder in the house and not demand culinary masterpieces from her.

Read more about how the relationship between spouses changes after the birth of a child.

Crisis of 7 years - time of mutual claims

6-7th year married life psychologists consider it to be the most dangerous period for marriage. The time is coming psychological fatigue men and women apart, while with physical attraction Most couples are still fine. Paradoxically, in in this case sexual desire does not serve as a fulcrum, and now you will understand why.

The more equal the attitude towards a person, the fewer claims against him, and this is the law. Only someone to whom we are not indifferent is capable of offending, and by the time of this crisis, a couple has managed to accumulate a whole carload of various kinds stories, reasons for misunderstandings and old grievances. The last straw can be any domestic quarrel, a careless word, or even neighbor gossip! Psychologically, both were already ready to declare war on each other, and therefore, on a subconscious level, they were looking for a reason.

A woman may hear that her family life ruined her, and her husband that he stole from his wife best years life. Everyone thinks only about themselves, revels in self-pity, regrets missed opportunities and cherishes accumulated grievances. Each is waiting for decisive action from the other, while doing nothing. There is no desire to meet each other halfway and both hope to hear the fiery speech of the other half with repentance and a promise to improve.

What to do

Do not confuse pride and arrogance. It's one thing if you have serious reasons break this connection (drinks, hits, disrespects, cheats, etc.) - then it’s not worth holding on to this person. Even loneliness in this situation will be the best fate, but these are all extremes that do not concern the majority. Basically, people suffer from an unwillingness to understand and respect each other’s habits, occupations and lifestyles, and this is nothing more than a real manifestation of selfishness. Stop! Your, as it seems to you, imperfect spouse will be warmed up by someone else with great joy while you wait for repentance from him or her. Any delay will only further distance you from each other. Stubbornness and inability to conduct a constructive dialogue destroy a huge number of families, and this planet will have enough divorces without you;
Look at the situation through the eyes of your spouse. You have accumulated complaints, but who said that your husband (wife) is absolutely satisfied with everything about you? Maybe you had the opportunity to deal with a more patient and forgiving person? Rest assured that you are not the only one who has to endure this. There are no couples where the man and woman are completely satisfied with each other. Even if you do not see any shortcomings in yourself, this does not mean that in your company another person has found true happiness. You really can be an ideal, but not everyone needs even ideals, and everyone has their own concept of perfection;
Look for compromises. Only conversation will help here, but it should be calm. Words of love in this case are irrelevant. It would be much better if everyone voiced their plans for the future, made their suggestions and listened to the spouse’s point of view without interrupting or criticizing. If the goals are still common, a very good future together is possible.

Crisis of 10 years - fading feelings

Even if family life was relatively smooth, feelings cool down, and along with them, the sexual attraction. There are two options here:

Husband and wife understand each other, respect and share their experiences. They managed to become truly close people, and this is worth a lot. Such couples experience a 10-year relationship crisis relatively painlessly. If the spouses are patient, everything will fall into place later;
Spouses communicate in different languages and tired of each other. There are no feelings or mutual understanding in this family. Everyone is looking for a reason for absence, and, accordingly, finds one. There are no more complaints - everyone is tired of them long ago. There is also no desire to communicate. To avoid another quarrel, one of this couple constantly avoids the conversation, keeps silent and lies. This relationship is most likely doomed.

What to do

If you are dealing with the first case, it is important for you to maintain the relationship in the state in which it is on this moment. Drastic changes no use now.

If you are less fortunate and your case is second, it is very important to avoid conflict situations. Changing your image and spending time together will not solve anything if the relationship has reached a dead end. Now your family needs maximum peace: avoid scenes of jealousy and nitpicking over trifles, do not demand too much from your spouse. Your marriage is currently going through a serious crisis, so any quarrel could be your last.

What not to do

This information will be useful for those who have been lacking romance throughout their lives, and for the most part it applies to women. Tired of their spouse's indifference, they either harass him with endless complaints about this, or try to revive the relationship with their beloved in feminine ways, that is, they are desperately seducing a person who was seduced 10 years ago. Needless to say, both options are dead ends?

The lack of results is just an annoying little thing, but everything can change dramatically in the worst side, for which, naturally, no one is mentally prepared. By awakening a romantic mood in your husband after a solid period of family life, you can really awaken him, but not towards yourself.

Imagine the situation: a man lived quietly, seeing nothing but work and home, and then suddenly his wife’s thirst for romance awoke. She wants to experience the same emotions that she experienced 10 years ago, but this is impossible! The best she can do is show love, but not infatuation, which is long gone. You cannot make the same person fall in love with you again, but you can remind him that feelings can be bright and exciting. The result will be very sad: he will simply start looking for adventures on the side.

Crisis of 15-20 years - an attempt to regain youth

This crisis in a relationship is usually caused by one of the spouses, usually men. Most often, this problem affects families of spouses of the same age. It seems to a man that next to a woman who is much younger than him, he will be able to experience a second youth, and takes a mistress.

How to overcome the crisis

In this situation, little depends on the woman. As a consolation, we can say only one thing: in most cases, husbands who have gone on spree at the age of 40-45 return to their wives because they simply “can’t handle” a new relationship. On the part of the young mistress there are more demands and demands, including material ones, moreover, sexual activity lovers are on too different levels. Whether to take your husband back after cheating is your personal matter, so there is no advice here and cannot be.

How to overcome a relationship crisis

This video talks about ways to overcome a crisis in family relationships.

Video source: Timofey Aksaev

Crises in family life are an inevitable phenomenon. Occurring periodically, they are capable of destroying the most strong marriage. That’s why it’s so important to know what periods of crisis exist and how you can survive them.

First crisis of family life

It is believed that on initial stage family life is simple. In fairy tales, heroes live “happily ever after,” which creates corresponding stereotypes according to which the first year of marriage is a happy and romantic time. However, in reality, many young couples face a crisis after 1 year of marriage. It is characterized by:

Lapping. Living together, partners learn more about each other's shortcomings.
Newly-made spouses learn about each other's everyday habits. Often they do not coincide, this creates slight tension in the relationship of the young couple.

note

According to statistics about 16% of married couples divorce after the first year of relationship. Nevertheless, we can overcome this crisis, we just need:

Try to be more tolerant of each other.
Do romantic things more often
Refer to the experience of parents

Three years of marriage

The 3-year crisis is one of the most insidious. It is dangerous both for married people and for those who have not yet formalized their relationship. During this period, there is no longer a place for romance in life; it is replaced by boring life. And three more years of marriage is:

A moment of disappointed expectations. The couple understands that ideal images husband and wife created in the imagination do not correspond to reality.
The birth of the first child in the family.
Spouses' unwillingness to be parents.
Frequent interference of loved ones in family life (mother-in-law or mother-in-law).

For the most part, the three-year crisis is associated with the birth of a child. It would seem that such an event, on the contrary, should unite the spouses, but according to statistics, 18% of marriages break up already in the 4th year of marriage.

During this period, childless couples also experience difficulties. The crisis of 3 years also affected those who are in relationships without marriage. Fortunately, psychologists have long figured out how to overcome it. Necessary:

Try not to get hung up on relationships. Give each other personal freedom.
Try to talk as much as possible on a variety of topics, do not strive to constantly discuss personal problems.

To those whom three-year crisis caught up already in marriage, it follows:

Limit the influence of outsiders on relationships within the family.
convert less attention to each other's shortcomings.
Talk more about problems that arose after the birth of the child. The wife must explain to her husband that she still loves him, even if she does not pay as much attention as before. A husband should be more patient, help and support his wife in everything.
Spend more time together. For example, both spouses can walk with the child or bathe him.

Five-year crisis

The couple again face difficulties. During this period, the woman usually returns to work after maternity leave, which is main reason crisis. It is due to the fact that:

Despite returning to work and normal active life, the woman realizes that she can no longer manage to do everything.
When choosing between her personal needs and household responsibilities, a woman prefers the first, and this greatly irritates men.

Not every married couple survives to 6 years of relationship. According to statistics, 28% of married couples do not cope with the crisis for five years.

However, it can be avoided if:

The spouses will be jointly responsible for household chores.
The husband will be more attentive.
The wife will begin to tell her husband about what is really bothering her.

After seven years of marriage

Family life is not that simple. Therefore, after adjustment, everyday life, the birth of a child and disappointed expectations, the spouses face another crisis - 7 years of marriage. It is due to the fact that:

After seven years of marriage, the routine simply overwhelms us. During this period of time, many couples again forget about romance, turning their life together into an ordinary everyday life.
Spouses are annoying each other.
Family life becomes mundane and uninteresting.

Similar problems can be encountered after 8 years of marriage. According to statistics more than 25% of couples do not know how to survive such a crisis. Not understanding how to correct the situation, spouses often begin to cheat on each other. Therefore, not every family lives to see the next anniversary, 9 years of relationship.

However, such mistakes can be avoided if:

The spouses will meet each other halfway: the wife will try to bring something new to the relationship, and the husband will appreciate her efforts and begin to show his romantic impulses.
The wife will stop nagging her husband.
A man will be interested in the life of his other half.
A married couple will try to resolve all contradictions as soon as they arise.
Try something new: they will find a new hobby together, go on trips, come up with something new in intimate relationships.

Crisis 11-13 years

Having lived together for more than 10 years, the spouses begin to quarrel again. The initial period of disappointment in life begins. Feeling empty, both husband and wife want to somehow change the existing way of life. However, they don't know how to do this, so they start:

Mutual reproaches.
Looking for entertainment on the side.

Often, after 12 years, spouses cheat on each other only because they want something new and bright. A whirlwind romance brings back the thirst for life, but deprives the opportunity for reconciliation within the family. Therefore, about 22% choose divorce.

However, if both spouses are willing to discuss problems and want to restore the relationship, discord can be avoided. To do this you need:

Talk, forgetting about the differences of the previous 11 years of marriage. The past must be forgotten.
Look at your partner with different eyes: remember everything about him positive traits and love again.
Be more interested in each other's lives.

Crisis of fifteen years

After being married for 15 years, couples are once again facing difficulties. This crisis of family relationships is not so easy to resolve. This is the time when both spouses are under 40 years old. For a woman, this means a decrease in intimate needs and an early menopause, and for men - a midlife crisis. This period is characterized by:

Emotional and sexual stagnation.
Both spouses have neuroses.
The desire to be young again.

Note. According to divorce statistics 19% of marriages fall apart after 15 years of marriage.

To overcome the crisis of monotony it is necessary:

Reawaken interest in each other. The couple should try to become young again together.
Try going on a date while leaving the kids at home.
Talk about accumulated problems and discontent.

Midlife crisis

Disagreements that arise in the 15th year of life can progress and ultimately turn into a “mid-life” crisis. It covers a whole decade between 13-23 years of marriage. This period is characterized by multiple problems:

Midlife crisis in parents.
Transitional age in children.
Disagreement between spouses on issues of education.
Life together during this period follows habit.
There comes a time when children go to adult life and leave their parents' home.

If previous crisis situations Family life was often decided peacefully for the sake of the child, but now everything has changed. Left alone, the husband and wife understand that there will be nothing new in life anymore. That is why, after living together for 15 or even 20 years, many married couples break up.

The divorce statistics of this period are disappointing: 12.4% of couples cannot overcome this period.

However, we can overcome the “midlife” crisis; for this it is necessary:

Remember the old days. Spouses must start caring for each other again.
Build trusting family relationships. During this period, it is especially important to have a reliable ally near you - your soulmate.
Find new interests, plunge into the world of entertainment.
Distract yourself from bad thoughts more often.
Bring intimacy back into family life.
Be more patient with each other.

Family life after 20

Having overcome the midlife crisis, many married couples relax, believing that no more disagreements are expected. However, after 20 years of marriage, another crisis period begins. It has its own characteristics and features:

Men are ending a midlife crisis.
Women reach menopause.
Spouses stop supporting each other. Everyone is fixated on their own problems.
There are more and more reasons for quarrels.
Another stagnation in the relationship.

These disagreements may well lead to divorce. According to statistics, about 1% of couples break up without celebrating their silver wedding.

However, we can overcome this crisis period, we just need:
Spend more time outside the home, chat with friends
Try to bring romance back into the relationship

Conclusion

Family psychology has long described all relationship crises. However, this does not mean that every marriage goes through all these difficult stages sequentially. For example, there are many happy families who haven’t even heard about the crisis for 5 years. Everything always depends on how much the partners trust each other, so if they love and are ready to talk, no difficulties will scare them even after 7 years.

Only by wanting to maintain heartfelt affection can you overcome the crisis of 13 years, as well as any other. It is also important to understand the characteristics of each crisis period, this is the only way to avoid them. The main thing is not to forget that family relationships are Full time job, which is always rewarded.

Consultation with a specialist on video

One of the most influential psychotherapists in the world, according to Forbes magazine, Artem Tolokonin, talks about the crises of family life.

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Author Robert Stevenson once said, “Marriage is a long conversation punctuated by arguments.” Sooner or later, every couple faces a crisis in their relationship, and this is absolutely inevitable. Good news The point is that, having dealt with it, the spouses reach a new level of relationship and find new ways to be happy together.

website I am convinced that there is no need to be afraid of marital crises: this is an indicator that the relationship is developing. The main thing is not to give up and look for ways to overcome difficulties. After all, you once promised this person to be together “in joy and in sorrow” - the time has come to prove that these were not empty words. So, check out the list of the most difficult relationship crises to be fully prepared.

1 year of marriage. "Awareness Stage"

The flamboyant singer Pink herself proposed to her boyfriend. True, a year later they broke up... And then they got back together! Now the couple is raising 2 children.

Family therapist Rita DeMaria calls this crisis "stage of awareness". It usually occurs after 6–12 months cohabitation. The first charm of falling in love subsides, and you begin to see your partner in real light: with all his weaknesses and not always pleasant habits (which you happily ignored before). "It's time to learn working together", says Rita DeMaria.

What to do?“If you haven't discussed the most important topics before marriage, such as finances, children, family visits, free time etc., the time to do it is now,” advises psychologist Beverly Hyman. It is worth being honest with each other about your values and priorities. It is likely that they will not agree on all points, and then a compromise must be sought. At this stage, it is very important to reach firm agreements on the most “hot” issues.

3–4 years of marriage. Dangerous “comfort zone”

The marriage of Madonna and Sean Penn lasted only 3 years, but in their interviews the stars say that they still love each other. Maybe they were in a hurry with the divorce?

A study of 2,000 married British couples found that after 3 years 6 months, spouses began to pay less attention to each other, more often prefer sleep to sex, and were less likely to declare their love for each other. The couple enters the “comfort zone”: on the one hand, this wonderful feeling safety and relaxation, on the other hand, such unpleasant things appear as an uncovered door to the toilet and an untidy home clothes. While 82% of married couples surveyed said they were satisfied with their marriage, 49% wished their partner was “more romantic.”

What to do? The salvation is to keep the flame burning. Give compliments more often, praise each other. It's not always a good idea to tell your partner everything you think about them. Sometimes it's better to remain silent. If you feel that problems are brewing, start the conversation gently, without accusations. And, most importantly, look inside yourself, advises family therapist John Gottman. Growth in a marriage occurs when each person takes a look at themselves and understands how they contribute (or don't contribute) to the relationship.

5–7 years of marriage. "The Seven Year Itch"

Friends star David Schwimmer and his wife Zoe Buckman are taking a break from their relationship after 7 years of marriage. Fans hope this is only a temporary solution.

In Western psychology there is even such a thing as the “seven-year itch.” This one is one of the most critical periods married. By this time, the couple already has an established life, an established relationship, and the spouses mostly interact as if on “autopilot,” which is a big mistake, recalls Beverly Hyman. Due to routine, interest and sexual attraction to each other decreases. It seems that you already know everything about each other. Future prospects for marriage are vague. Sometimes couples decide to have a first (or second) child in order to “save” the marriage, but it is worth remembering that a child is an individual person, not a lifesaver.

What to do? Family therapist Robert Taibbi suggests the following:

Keep communication open. Less formal “So how was your day?” - “Normal”, more emotions and sincerity.
Solve problems as soon as they arise, do not “sweep them under the rug” where more and more of them accumulate.
Listen to yourself. Periodically assess your condition, update your list of needs and vision for the future. Share these thoughts with your partner.
Discuss your couple's prospects. What are your plans next year, 5, 10 years? Again, the key here is to be open and honest rather than polite and vague.

10–15 years of marriage. "A difficult age

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green almost got divorced when their romance turned 11 years old. But the couple still found the strength to make peace. Now they already have 3 children.

What to do? Don't move away from each other. Look for new meanings for your existence as a couple. If the spouses brushed off problems in their marriage for a long time while they were raising children, now that they are left alone, the conflicts will only escalate. But there will be time to solve them. This a great opportunity reconstruct the marriage. Beverly Hyman writes about this. Coach Steve Sebold recommends not neglecting yourself, playing sports together, and also creating new goals for the couple: traveling, starting a business, language courses - something that will allow you to experience a new unforgettable experience together.

Psychologist, expert on family relations Mort Fertel believes that generally accepted recommendations for saving a marriage, such as “always share your feelings with your partner” and “see a psychologist together,” do not always work because they do not explain exactly what is needed do, to overcome the crisis.

1. Save your marriage, even alone. It is generally believed that a marriage can only be saved when both partners are willing to work on the problems. “The efforts of even one person can change the dynamics of a marriage, and very often it is these efforts that motivate a stubborn spouse to join in the process of saving the relationship,” says Mort Fertel.

2. Don't ask yourself the wrong questions. There is no need to ask yourself: “Did I choose the right person to be my husband/wife?” The key to success in marriage cannot be found the right person, but learn to love the one you found. Because love is not luck. It's a choice.

3. Separations push you apart rather than help you get closer. Separation, which supposedly “refreshes” feelings, in a marriage (especially during a crisis) can only further alienate you from each other, but your goal is to get closer again.

4. Talk less about problems. Talking about problems in marriage does not solve them, but only makes them worse. This leads to arguments and ill will. Talking about a problem does not mean solving it. Talk little, do a lot. Look for real ways to solve difficulties.

5. Don't assume that your therapist will give you ready-made answers. Psychotherapy sessions help spouses to speak out and understand the other’s point of view, but do not answer the question of what is needed do to save the marriage. As a result, some couples remain quite frustrated with psychotherapy.

6. Don't tell your family and friends about your marriage crisis.
“One of the most important values in marriage is privacy, so talking about your marriage or spouse with family or friends is a mistake. This is a violation of your spouse's privacy, and it is wrong,” says Mort Fertel.

The music stopped, the guests dispersed and Wedding Dress found its place in the closet. Now family life begins. When creating a family, a man and a woman enter into marriage with their own ideas about life together, which were largely formed in childhood, in parental family. Each spouse has his own habits, his own experience, foundations, customs, and family traditions. Each spouse will strive to contribute their own piece to their new family. Time must pass before the newly made husband and wife learn to compromise, understand and accept each other, with their strengths and weaknesses.

If we speak metaphorically, family life resembles sea waves - at the peak there are crises, and at the decline there are periods of calm and adaptation to new changes. Crises in the relationship of spouses occur throughout life. And you shouldn’t be afraid of them, since spouses need them in order for the relationship to be “alive” and develop, helping to build the future and value each other. So what is a crisis?

A crisis is an inevitable event in reaching a radically new level of development.

Are there ways out of the crisis?

Yes, definitely. One of which is: the transition to a new stage of development and the second is a break in relations. There are also painful solutions - in fact, not exits, but avoidance of solving real problems or delaying decision-making: this is betrayal, addiction, serious illness, etc.

Symptoms of a crisis in which you need to sound the alarm:

One of the partners or both deviates from intimacy. Sexologists believe that the disorder in sex life- this is one of the first signs of the presence, if not of a crisis, then of problems in a relationship.
The so-called calm before the storm: when spouses stop arguing altogether, but at the same time communicate and spend time together - everyone is on their own. This is dangerous because spouses will simply lose interest in each other, and it will be better and more interesting for them to spend time with other people.
Spouses no longer strive to please each other.
All issues related to raising children provoke quarrels and mutual reproaches.
Spouses do not have the same opinion on most issues that are significant to them (relationships with family and friends, plans for the future, distribution of family income, etc.).
One of the spouses “withdraws into himself,” usually this is the husband. He stops participating in the decision everyday problems and in family life in general. He often gets immersed in work, is constantly delayed, and behaves distantly.
The logical consequence of the previous one will be that the wife completely forgets about herself and plunges headlong into solving family affairs, completely devotes herself to the family and becomes like a draft horse. She works, carries the entire household burden, takes care of her husband and children.
Husband and wife poorly understand (or do not understand at all) each other's feelings.
Almost all actions and words of a partner cause irritation.
One of the spouses believes that he is forced to constantly yield to the wishes and opinions of the other.
There is no need to share your problems and joys with your partner.

The first crisis, what is it?

The first, which psychologists have dubbed the crisis of the first year, is associated with the period of mutual “grinding in” of the newlyweds. Transition from candy-bouquet period to life together. According to statistics, about half of all marriages break up after the first year of marriage. Newly-made spouses do not withstand the test of “everyday life”. Disagreements may concern the distribution of responsibilities, the reluctance of partners to change their habits. Inability or unwillingness to establish contact with the partner’s parents.

The crisis at the birth of the first child entails the emergence of new roles: now not only husband and wife, but also father and mother. This difficult period is also known as the 3-year crisis in a relationship, because after three years Often a family already has a child.

The period of 7 years is a “new” round of monotony and routine associated with such a phenomenon as addiction. If the routine of the crisis of the 3-year relationship has dissipated with the unity of the spouses in front of new long-term strategic tasks, then by the 7th year all these issues no longer attract novelty and instead of excitement cause melancholy and disgust. Spouses often experience disappointment when they compare reality with how it was imagined several years ago in their dreams. The spouses begin to feel that now everything will be the same all their lives; they want something new, unusual, fresh sensations. The children are already grown up. By the age of 7, a family is already a large household and a complex organism: the more people in the family, the more different interweavings, conflicting needs, and clashes of interests. A crisis always makes things worse. Therefore, the better the relationship is built, the stronger the emotional intimacy has been built and the learning to negotiate during periods of past disagreements, the easier it is to overcome the crisis, and vice versa.

15-20 years pass, the couple, having survived previous difficulties, live, enjoying family life, going with the flow, and here again a new everyday reef. Which can often be aggravated by the midlife crisis of one of the spouses. There is a frightening feeling that everything has already been achieved, everything has happened, both in the personal and professional spheres, there is a fear of aging... The next crisis can conditionally be called the “empty nest crisis”, this is an important period in the life of a family: when adult children leave it. Spouses are deprived of their main “leading” activity - raising children. They must learn to live together again, pay attention to each other. And women who dealt exclusively with children and home need to acquire new life tasks and goals. It is not uncommon during this period for husbands to leave for young mistresses.

How to overcome the crisis of living together?

If a close relationship has developed between the spouses, if they love each other, that is, they respect, value, listen to the opinion of the other, then any conflict is just part of their joint desire for mutual understanding. There is no need to panic about the crisis. Many families pass them by without thinking or suspecting what it is. They simply overcome the difficulties that arise. Successful resolution of the crisis is the key to further development of the family and a necessary factor for the effective living of subsequent stages.

Every crisis is a leap forward, going beyond the boundaries of old relationships. A crisis in a relationship helps spouses see not only the negative, but also the valuable that connects and binds them. Meanwhile, separation is more likely a consequence of a crisis that was handled incorrectly.

In order to overcome this critical moment in family life, you will need the willingness of both spouses, mutual desire and, as usual, patience and support.

If one of the spouses considers divorce as a way out, and the other does not agree with this, it is necessary to take a “time out”. Perhaps the spouses should separate for a while, rest and think (3-4 days, a week) in order to understand themselves, their feelings, desires and aspirations. Think about it, is everything really that bad, is it really possible that all the good things that happened between you can be so easily crossed out? Try to refresh your feelings, emotions, add variety to your relationships, away with dullness and routine. Think about romance, change your hairstyle, style or interior in the apartment, find a new hobby for both of you and don’t forget about joint leisure and relaxation. You will always have time to get a divorce, but it is still worth making attempts to reunite your family.

Another way to cope with a crisis is to turn to family psychologist. Many people believe that a heart-to-heart conversation in the kitchen with friends will help find a solution, but do not forget that friends will provide emotional support, but not a way to solve the problem, since their advice comes through the prism of their own life experience.

Golden rules that will help you more easily survive crises in family relationships:

Learn to talk about difficulties and problems that arise. It is very important to start a conversation on time, not to turn away from the troubles that have arisen, not to accumulate them, not to remain silent.
Don’t generalize, even if you speak in anger, don’t cross the line that you will later regret.
Talk about your feelings, experiences, don’t make complaints (instead of “you always...”, “it’s your fault...”, say “I feel...”, “it upsets me when you...”).
If at least one person is scared or is in strong emotional arousal, the situation may get out of control, in such cases you should not aggravate the situation, wait it out, or you need to contact specialists (family psychologists).

Don't be afraid of the crisis, because this is an indicator normal development relationships. And all this information will be useful to those who have already joined marriage ties or just planning. Think about this and take care of your loved ones!