What to do if the child is annoying with his behavior. Why is your own child annoying?

Now you know it. It is not easy to admit this even to oneself, because the very realization of this fact can cause a persistent feeling of guilt. I bad mother, if I can not restrain my anger at the child, sometimes I can slap, roughly grab, shout.

If the child is annoying, what should the unhappy mother do. How to cope with yourself, get rid of anger, cruelty, hatred in the family? I would like to share with my readers.

What are the most annoying situations?

The baby was born, the mother's "Groundhog Day" begins. We feed, wash, swaddle, walk, rock. Only without a regimen and haphazardly, but as the kid deigned. You expect the child to sleep, and he wakes up in 10 minutes. You just change into clean clothes, and he puts full pants on. You feel like a squirrel in a wheel when you can’t even comb your hair or go to the toilet.

If no one helps mom, there are no grandmothers, and dad gets tired at work, despair begins to overcome. Any little thing can piss you off. Then you can even scream at the baby, and then reproach yourself for incontinence, suffer from guilt.

If the parents are excited, this state is transferred to the baby. Much is deposited in the child at the level of the unconscious.

I had to read a story on the Internet, how dad could not calm crying baby, out of himself. He began to shake him, shouting: “When will you shut up, rubbish ?!”. The kid was frightened. And when he grew up, he already learned to speak, sometimes he told his parents: “I'm not rubbish ...” Although he was never called that again in his life and did not use this word.

I know from my own experience how unbalanced it is when a child slowly dresses, or eats, or walks. There is no time to wait, and persuasion, haste does not work in any way. Do you feel like powerless, I want to kick, slander or yell offensive words.

When the baby turns 2 or 3 years old, age crises begin. Usually they are accompanied by extreme negativism. Everything that comes from parents is perceived with hostility: whether to sit on the potty, eat, sleep, dress, undress. The child, it seems, deliberately harasses his mother: “I want to drink - I don’t want to”, “Kiss - don’t come”. So it would crack.

Those who have ever succumbed to a feeling of irritation know how disgusting it becomes in their souls, how embarrassing. The forums endlessly discuss what to do if the child is annoyed. Is it possible to cope with a destructive feeling, so as not to spoil the relationship and not cripple the child.

What to do if the child is annoying

It's always easier said than actually dealing with your feelings. But if you don't try, you'll never succeed. You will have to work hard to cope with irritation on own child. I managed to collect here are the ways to restrain yourself:

Notice when you start to get irritated. Record all irritations. You can write in a special diary. It is not superfluous to apologize to the child for outbursts of anger. According to the same principle, believers go to confession regularly. True, it helps.

One young man was very hot-tempered. His father advised him to drive one nail into the wooden fence whenever he could not restrain himself. Many days have passed. One day he approached his father and said that he had not hammered a single nail that day. Then his father gave him a new task: to pull out a nail when he could restrain his anger. After a while, there were no nails left in the fence. The father led his son to the fence and showed the holes left by the nails. So our words, spoken in anger, can leave non-healing wounds on the heart of man. Take care of your loved ones!

Admit to yourself that you are not perfect educational process Same. There are ups and downs. A child does not always look like an angel. It needs to be known and prepare for it. You can predict dangerous situations in advance. Try to correct the child's reactions: distract, feed on time or put to sleep. It is very useful to think in advance how you will cope with an attack of irritation. You can count to 10, go into another room, express your dissatisfaction with the chair, take a bath, drink tea, take a walk.

Mom should not "drive" herself. You need to rest on time. Don't try to make everything perfect. You can sometimes not wash the floor, feed it with canned mashed potatoes, and not prepare complementary foods by hand. Leave linen unironed. It would be nice to find an assistant for at least a few hours a week. This may be one of the relatives who will help with the housework or sit with the baby. If there is no one, you can look for a nanny. Or an assistant who will clean up for a fee, cook 1 or 2 times a week. It won't be too expensive.

If you feel that you are starting to "boil", remember how embarrassing, lousy, after you snap. Have pity on yourself. Think about how a person in anger does not control himself and can inflict irreparable harm to your child. A small person is very fragile, it is easy to injure physically or mentally. Do not say, do not do something that you will later bitterly regret. Ignatius Brianchaninov wrote: "The hour of anger is the hour of madness." The anticipation of guilt can be a good deterrent.

They told a story about a mother who lost her temper, began to scream at her 2-year-old daughter, shake her by the shoulders. The weak child's neck could not stand it, the child died.

Those parents who are accustomed to raising a hand against a child run the risk of direct beatings, ordinary sadism.

Need to learn express their negative feelings in an adequate way. That is just talking. "I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm angry" - like the characters in a children's book. In psychology, this is called "I-statements." It is useful to express the feelings of the child aloud: “You are offended. You wanted to play on the phone." It is important for a child to see that the mother is an ordinary living person, that they are also trying to understand and hear him.
Think about the things you can do to hold yourself back when interacting with strangers. With bosses, for example. It's not that you can't control yourself, it's you just don't feel the need to hold back with those who are dearest to you. The personality of the child also deserves respect, like any other person. The same applies to husband, mother, mother-in-law.

Child misbehavior is also the flip side Great love that he feels for you. The child usually behaves worst with the mother. Those who are rarely seen are better listened to. The next time your baby tests your endurance, think about how dear you are to him.

Talk to baby. Ask, explain. Just not from your height. You need to get down to the child, look into the eyes, maintain physical contact. A child can understand a lot if you speak to him in accessible language. You just need to be prepared for the fact that you will have to do this quite often. As one very told me a wise man, the child needs to repeat 150 times so that he understands.

Try not to let your words be hackneyed moralizing. Speak from the heart, sincerely about your feelings, with respect for the child. Children cannot stand falsehood, boring clichés. They simply do not hear them, psychological protection works.

Sometimes it is useful to use the technique: "What am I going to say now." Let the child himself voice those remarks that you could say to him. This method is more suitable for teenagers.

When they talk about raising children, they try to stick to positive aspects. Everyone is ready to give advice on how to behave to parents in a given situation. If you read books on pedagogy, it turns out that mom and dad should be just perfect people, and part-time psychologists, educators, mentors. Wise, calm, thoughtful.

But wait, aren't we all human? We have emotions, ambitions, mood swings. And often a newly-made mother begins to reproach herself only for the fact that the negative emotions that are written about in smart books on raising children, she has. But it shouldn't be! In such a situation, depression is not far away.

Another option is also possible, when the mother simply “gives up” and transfers her own negativity to the children, breaking into a cry and linking her irritation with the behavior of the child, who is capricious and does not obey. Both approaches ultimately turn out to be non-constructive, since in both cases true reason negativity is not revealed, and family relationships are at risk of spoiling.

Why am I angry?

It is important to understand that irritation is normal. Many parents, one way or another, are angry with their child, although only a few are able to admit it. It's just that someone has such outbreaks very rarely, someone more often, because the reasons that cause them are different.

If you notice that your child often pisses you off, you should accept your own emotions. No need to evaluate yourself, condemn or reproach. Being angry doesn't mean you don't love your baby. It just exists and you need to deal with it, and not collect a “snowball” in your soul out of guilt, fear and helplessness. Suppression of emotions is also unlikely to lead to anything good - the next outbreak may be much stronger than the previous one.

Irritation and anger is a “red light” that signals that something does not suit us and does not satisfy us. Therefore, the first thing to do is to understand what is really required when we experience indignation and rage.

Maybe it's not the baby?

It is not bad to follow in what situation, and under what conditions irritation appears. Maybe it's not the baby at all? Often it is enough to find the cause of discontent, and it disappears without any effort. Consider those cases when the baby has nothing to do with it, and the source of irritation lies in completely different things.

"Nothing comes out!"

The greatest remorse in young mothers causes irritation to the baby up to six months. How is it that you were waiting for this angel so much, were preparing and suddenly a wave of negativity towards him? What questions will not come into your head if mom starts to get angry at this defenseless creature. It's "not normal"!

But this is normal, and there can be many reasons for such emotions. Stress is affecting, because life has changed radically. In this state, a small push is enough to feel irritation.

The most common cause is a feeling of helplessness. The baby is crying, the mother cannot calm him down in any way and is “infected” with the child’s anxiety. Such outbreaks are especially acute in the first months of life.

It is good when someone is nearby during this period, and instead of calming the baby in an excited state, the mother can go and have a cup of tea. But even if it is not possible to leave the child with loved ones, it is better to move away from him, even when the baby is crying and, above all, calm down herself.

Children are very sensitive to our emotions, and it is unlikely that it will be possible to calm the baby when the mother herself is on edge. In a calm state, it will be much easier to understand the cause baby crying and give the child a sense of security and peace.

As you gain the necessary experience, such outbursts of irritation will visit less and less. After all, self-confidence will not allow helplessness and fear to take over you.

Fatigue

Fatigue is another reason that makes us irritable. Any person, before spending energy, including a child, needs to take it somewhere. Think about whether you forgot about yourself during the chores? Perhaps something is worth changing, finding a little time for personal interests.

Let dad sit with the baby in the evening, and in the meantime, mom will not rush to cook dinner, but take a shower. If the grandmother has the opportunity to be with the baby, leave remorse and go to a friend or just for a walk as soon as you feel tired.

Distribution of responsibilities in the family

With the advent of a child, the usual rhythm of life changes. And a woman may well not be satisfied with the new distribution of responsibilities. Perhaps it seems to you that the husband does not take part in the upbringing of the child at all? Too demanding of you? Does not understand the burden of new responsibilities that fell on the shoulders of a woman?

IN this case It is clearly not worth transferring negative emotions to the baby. It is better to discuss the problem with your spouse. Sometimes a very small change is enough for the irritation to recede.

Perhaps you are angry that in the morning you have to be torn between the need to cook breakfast, braid one child and rock the other? And from the very beginning, everything went wrong. A slight redistribution of morning duties in this case will allow you to get a positive charge for the whole day.

When a child is really annoying

As the baby grows older, he begins to show his character. And not everything will suit you. One baby may be too temperamental, the other may seem slow.

If you notice that this is the reason, you should work with your own perception and find the pluses, which are always reverse side cons. The kid is restless, active, you do not have time to keep track of him? But how much easier it will be for him to find friends, he does not have to be rushed, he enthusiastically accepts most of your proposals.

Do you think that the baby is too slow? He can spend hours going for a walk or in kindergarten? But such a child will be diligent, attentive to trifles, it will be easier for him to study.

Features of temperament can be used for your own benefit. The child wants to constantly play, literally does not get off his hands, requires attention and is it exhausting? Go to the playground more often, let the baby communicate with other children, find him an active and interesting activity, this will allow mom to be in silence for a while, and the child to throw out energy.

In addition to temperament, irritation can also be caused simply by the behavior of the child. Particularly acute conflicts arise in connection with the age-related crises of the baby. It is important to understand that often whims and tantrums during this period are a temporary phenomenon. It will be easier to understand your child at such moments if the mother gets acquainted with the features of the manifestation of the crisis at different ages. To smooth out the negative manifestations will allow a change in one's own view of annoying phenomena.

"The child does not understand me!"

Sometimes it seems that the more you explain something to the baby, the more often he does the opposite, as if out of spite. In this case, it is important to understand whether this is the appearance of another age crisis when the child deliberately tries to do everything the other way around in order to follow your reaction, or, perhaps, it is worth changing tactics and explaining to the baby differently?

For example, the son had an interesting habit of taking a carafe and drinking water from it. There were also incidents in the form of puddles on the table, floor and wet T-shirts. For some reason, there was no response to the request to take a cup. After some time, I realized that if rational arguments are not weighty for my son, others can be found.

Specially purchased very beautiful cup and a small decanter for a child's hand. They explained to the son that now he has his own cup, from which it is very pleasant to drink water, and the process of pouring was turned into a game. Raising the decanter higher, it was possible to make a thin stream, tilting lower - a wide one. After that, we often asked what kind of water the son was drinking now, “thin” or “thick”. Now he is already big, but the game has been preserved, and he is happy to pour water and juice into a cup. And my mother had no reason to be annoyed.

Children's tantrums

It is very difficult to bear the screaming and crying of your own child, especially when apparent reason for this kind of behavior. Some advise in this case to distract the child, others - to move away and not let their negativity amplify the child. Both ways are good in their own way. But the third solution helped me - to put myself in the place of a child who still finds it very difficult to control his emotions.

At first it seemed quite difficult in such an annoying environment, but each time it got better. After all, in this case, the baby is really offended, he feels helpless and cannot otherwise express his feelings. Most importantly, having received sympathy in such an unpleasant situation, the son calmed down much faster, and we had the opportunity to discuss the situation.

You can put yourself in the place of a child in other annoying situations. For example, when he is naughty or does not want to do something.

How to avoid conflict with your own child?

If you feel that irritation is growing - it's time to be a little alone. It is quite possible to agree with older children. For example, it is honest to say that you are angry at the situation and it is better that the baby does not bother you for now. Go wash up, have a coffee, just sit in another room. So the outburst of anger will subside and the problem can be solved in the most constructive way.

If the same situation annoys you, you can try to change it. For example, knowing that in the store the baby can fall to the floor and throw a tantrum, which will certainly piss you off, you can try to avoid it by visiting the store in free time, or asking one of the relatives to buy everything you need.

Sometimes it’s worth giving up something, rather than winding yourself up because of the little things. For example, the baby refuses to eat something. Some parents take it calmly and with cold indifference convince that fish cakes are useful, and cottage cheese is necessary for growth. Others get annoyed and repeat the previous pattern, but with a cry. In this case, I asked what my son wants in this moment, and removed the plate with the hated soup (by the way, the third of those offered) with the thought: “I’ll calm down by dinner and continue.”

As you smooth sharp corners You will find that the internal tension has become less, and the baby is more pleased than annoying. Sometimes such a switch requires considerable effort. If it is very difficult to break out of the “vicious circle of irritation”, you can try to plan a vacation, and upon returning, begin to build relationships with your child in a new way.

When you need specialist help

It is not always possible to determine exactly what is the main cause of anger and irritation. Not all people are prone to introspection, sometimes a look from the outside is needed. If you find that you can't fight negative emotions, do not be afraid to consult a psychologist.

There are reasons that it is an impossible task to cope with on your own. It can be:

serious childhood trauma of the parents themselves;
dissatisfaction with one's own life;
feeling of missed opportunities in connection with the birth of a child;
identification of the baby with his father in the event of a divorce;
rejection of one's own negative qualities in a child.

The main task in this case is to break out of the captivity of negativity and learn to enjoy what is happening now. Sometimes several visits to a psychologist are enough to get a fresh look at the relationship with the baby and improve your own condition.

Relationship problems between children and parents are common. Misunderstanding arises from the difference in age and completely different views to the world. Sometimes parenting is not easy at all, and many parents begin to annoy own child. The fact that mom or dad is thinking about this problem means that they love their child, but for some reason they cannot contain their anger. Annoying child? What to do and for what reasons this may occur - this is what we will learn in this article.

Who is right and who is wrong

If you are raising a child, then most likely you ask yourself this question quite often. In a fit of anger, you can scold the child or even spank, but when emotions subside, feelings of guilt take their place. It is like a worm gnaws at the parent from the inside. The same question arises: “Who is right in this situation and who is wrong?”. But in fact, this is absolutely the wrong approach to the problem.

Such a question only provokes one of two feelings: anger - if you nevertheless came to the conclusion that the child was wrong, or guilt - if you did wrong. And the problem isn't going anywhere. unsettle a person, he feels tired and irritated, and when the child irritates him again and again, everything repeats. The parent again breaks down on the child and constantly thinks about how bad he is. In fact, it is possible to influence a child without shouting and scandal. You just need to know some tricks.

If you are wondering what to do if your own child infuriates, then you are already on the right track. And first you need to find out the cause of this problem. And there may be many. The age of the child is also important.

newborn baby

Difficult childbirth and 9 months of pregnancy behind. A baby is born, which both parents and relatives have been waiting for so long. Throughout pregnancy, as a rule, the mother is in euphoria. She is waiting for the baby, imagines how she will walk with him down the street, feed him and put him to bed. In fact, everything is not so rosy. The child often cries and does not sleep well. For the first few months, mother practically does not rest. Fatigue accumulates, and irritation and anger are added to it.

From time to time, a young mother breaks down on the baby and at the same time constantly feels guilty about him. She is annoyed by her own newborn child, and this causes bewilderment and even thoughts that she is a bad mother. In fact, many young parents experience this, and there is nothing to worry about. All anger and irritation is the result of fatigue. In addition, the state of the mother is also affected by the colossal restructuring of the body after pregnancy. Often there is postpartum depression, and one of her symptoms is precisely the fact that the mother is annoyed by the crying of her own child.

Solution

So, the main reason that a mother breaks down on her baby is precisely fatigue. And therefore, so that the child does not irritate, you should rest as much as possible. Go to bed with your baby. As soon as he falls asleep, you should immediately lie down and relax. It doesn't matter what time of day it happens. Make time for your favorite activities. The birth long-awaited baby there is no reason to forget about yourself. Ask the father of the child or relatives to take a walk with the baby, and at this time take a bubble bath and enjoy the peace and loneliness. Newborn care - the main task mothers in the first months of his life, but you should not forget about yourself and your health.

Little fidgets

Every mother dreams of having a baby started as soon as possible walk and talk. But as soon as this happens, complete chaos begins. little fidget very inquisitive, every now and then something will tear or climb somewhere. For many mothers, this is a difficult time. At the age of 2, his own child annoys his parents with stubbornness and whims. And interestingly, he does many things on purpose to attract the attention of mom or dad. For some parents, this is a real test of nerves. This is especially true for young mothers and fathers who have not yet had experience in raising children. Why is your own child annoying? The mistake parents make is precisely that they cannot mutual language with baby.

Mistakes in education

In fact, the behavior of the child almost completely depends on the parents, on the situation in the family. From childhood, children try to imitate their parents in everything, and especially in negative habits and things that their mother does not even notice. Therefore, before you start raising a baby, you should look carefully at yourself. Think about why your own child pisses you off. Perhaps it doesn't live up to your expectations? But is what you want - a dogma? The child should be treated as an equal, take into account his wishes and thoughts. The main thing is that it should not harm him.

Mom character

Parents teach children to the right way, teach how to live, communicate with others, etc. What is such education based on? Of course, on the experience of the parent himself. That is, if in childhood he fell heavily from a tree and underwent several operations, will he allow his child to climb branches? Most likely not. Very often, your own child is annoying just when he does not do what his parents would like.

In psychology, there is an exercise called "my character." When you feel irritated towards a child, try imagining a character who overreacts to the child's actions.

For example, mom is annoyed that her daughter Anya constantly answers “no”. She just gets angry and loses her temper when she hears that three-letter word. Now the psychologist asks her to introduce the character. She sees a little obedient girl who always does everything that her parents ask her. How does she feel about Anya? The character is jealous of her, as he has never been able to respond to requests in this way. It turns out that inner child moms are just jealous of their daughter that she knows how to fight back. Try to conduct such an experiment, and you will see that excessive demands on a child are just an imprint from your childhood.

single parent

Incomplete family- this is one of the reasons that irritates your own child. And this is not surprising, because one of the parents (most often the mother) falls just a colossal physical and mental load. She becomes irritated and angry, because she herself has to resolve all issues with the child.

You can avoid such a problem if you create around yourself and the child social network. In other words, try to communicate as much as possible with all relatives and friends. Perhaps sometimes it will even be possible to leave a child with them in order to have at least a little rest. Of course, the upbringing function will remain with one parent, but you will have someone to rely on.

There is one more nuance in a family with one parent. It is also incredibly difficult for a child to contact only mom or only dad. He lacks interaction with other adults, which is why he may misbehave.

A difficult age

Teenage years difficult for both children and their parents. It is at this time that the character of the child is rapidly formed. A colossal restructuring is taking place in the body, views on many things are changing, hormonal background. During this period, conflicts between parents and children often occur. The latter complain that mom and dad do not understand them and do not support them. Teenagers tend to act out of spite and disobedience, and all this only because they lack love and care. They look mature and independent, but a small and defenseless creature still lives inside them. The fact is that the older the child becomes, the less attention given to him by his parents. Namely, during this period, he, more than ever, needs support and protection.

What to do if your own child (teenager) is annoying? Of course, first of all, you should clearly understand the cause of conflicts in the family. If a teenager constantly protests - most likely, he does not have enough attention. Try to talk to him frankly and find out the reason for the behavior. Your own child is annoying because it behaves inconsistently with your desires, but you should understand that he is already independent personality, which has the right to choose. Only calm conversations can help build relationships with your child, and constant screaming will only aggravate the situation.

Ignoring feelings

There is another mistake that many people make. Ignoring feelings is a very bad way to smooth out a conflict situation. If displeasure and tension do not find an outlet, it builds up and then, sooner or later, can turn into a big explosion. And the reason for this may be the most insignificant. What can a child think if a mother is constantly silent, and then, for example, for forgetting to wash her hands, attacks him with fists? Of course, he does not understand why some offenses are forgiven him, while others, more minor, cause such a thrashing. It is for this reason that every time you feel anger, do not suppress it in yourself.

What to do with anger

There are 7 simple steps, which allow you to resolve any conflict situation, while each of its participants will not feel embarrassed.

The first step is to admit to yourself that you are angry. Tell yourself, "I'm actually really angry right now."
Talk about what you feel. You should tell the child that you are very annoyed now. But don't say "because of you" or "because you are".
Ask the child to move out of sight, in order not to break loose on him. Let him go to another room until you calm down.
When you feel that the outburst of anger passes, and you have already become calmer, you can return to talking with the child.
You should discuss his behavior and your reaction. Calmly explain why you think he is wrong. Hear excuses. Tell us how you see the situation from your side.
Tell your child how to restore the relationship. For example, agree that for his misconduct he should help you in the kitchen.
End the conversation on a good note. Tell your child that you love him and want only the best for him.

This systematic approach to conflict situations will teach you not to hold back anger, but at the same time not to attack a child with fists. Moreover, this method does not cause the mother to feel guilty for having snapped at the child. Of course, the approach may differ in each specific situation. For example, if you are not very angry, you can skip steps 3 and 4 and talk to your child right away. Don't tell yourself, "Okay, I'll keep quiet this time." After all, then the situation will definitely repeat itself and you will be even more angry. And the child does not always know what the parents feel, and silence for him means that everything is in order.

Time to relax

Everyone deserves a break, especially parents. In fact, raising a child is a lifelong job that requires a lot of strength and nerves. If you notice that your own child often annoys you, and you get angry at any trifles, then it's time to replenish your energy and vigor.

Make yourself days off, relax and unwind. Remember that the child needs a healthy and happy mom and not always tired and dissatisfied with everything.

(Professor, founder of the national psychology of motherhood)

Sometimes it seems like your child's greatest talent is to generate ideas in the style of "get your mom crazy in 5 minutes." You tell a friend about what you read on a parenting forum, while a cute child at this time picks his nose with inspiration and the toe of his sandal in the dirt. Well, how can you not get angry! Yes, be mad at your health. We are all - both parents and children - living people and we know how to be angry. True, we do not always allow ourselves and our children to express this anger. “Well, how can I be angry with a child, he’s still very small!”, “Why did he decide to throw a tantrum right here, in front of everyone, it was still good!” Familiar thoughts? It's time to give yourself kid-y right to negative emotions. And at the same time to understand why the son or daughter behaves in a certain way. We can help you with this. Recall the situations in which children most often test us for strength. They are not deliberately provoking parents, they just want to communicate something important. What exactly? "Love me"

What's happening? The daughter demands to show how to draw a Christmas tree. It's urgent, right now, and she doesn't care that you just got a Skype call. new client. She even seems to take pleasure in whining "well draw" and sticking a green marker in your hands. Moreover, the algorithm is always the same: she chooses a time when you are busy, you predictably get angry, scold her, she cries inconsolably, you drop everything, kiss the poor girl and say how much you love her. Sobs, hugs, and now, happy and contented, you go to sleep (dine, swim, draw a Christmas tree).

Why is that? Often children provoke a scandal, knowing that such a reconciliation will follow. To cry from happiness, from how we love each other, is a sacred thing. How many feelings, how much sincerity! Stanislavsky bites his elbows in annoyance. If it is not customary in your family to say words of love, look into each other's eyes, hug, the child will cause quarrels.

What to do? Of course, during the day you and your husband get so tired that you only have enough strength to meditate on TV. But expressing love and finding time and occasions for this is simply necessary. And not only on holidays. Will help daily or weekly family rituals. It doesn’t matter what it will be: making dumplings on Sundays or a morning trip to an ice cream parlor on Saturdays, a mandatory hug before going to kindergarten or an indispensable song about a mammoth before bed (my husband will like it too). Finally, just tell your child more often that you love him, take him in your arms, kiss him.

"Understand me"

What's happening? It was a wonderful day, you went to the park, rode the carousel, ate ice cream and bought new toy. The son was in good mood. And then you returned home, and he suddenly threw a tantrum: he categorically refused to wear a T-shirt with Ninja Turtles, he wanted the one with Lego men, and she ended up in the wash. Or this option: you took your daughter from kindergarten, brought her home, and she was in tears. They are tired of cutlets, they don’t want to play with a doll, even more so to swim with their favorite duck, and in general, everything is not like that. Such unreasonable breakdowns cannot but anger: you also need to have time to feed, comb, bathe and put the child to bed. To finally mind your own business.

Why is that? The kid spent the day away from home, and no matter where - in the kindergarten, on fresh air or even at the beloved grandmother. In any case, in some unusual conditions, where he was forced to restrain himself. It is not surprising that, once in a safe familiar environment, the child will give vent to feelings. He needs to somehow relieve the emotional stress. In addition, if all sons and daughters obediently collected toys, meekly ate the notorious cutlet and peacefully fell asleep at 21:00, we would not have guessed that we need to understand their feelings. And children need help, because they themselves do not understand well what is happening to them.

Why is that? It is not enough to keep track of how many times Vanya ate, how many hours he slept and whether the T-shirt with Lego men was washed. It is important to talk with him about his experiences, interests, feelings. And try to make the baby express more positive emotions - yes, including through running, jumping and squealing.

"Be Strict"

What's happening? A boy named Misha roars like a real bear, and all because he was not given candy. Mom said that you can’t have sweets before eating, but he still continues to beg. And so every time, as much as possible!

Why is that? Children really don't like it when parents doubt. Therefore, they can clarify: is the decision final? Maybe it's still possible? Probably, one day you succumbed to the persuasion of your son and gave out an unscheduled candy - contrary to the prohibitions. And now he is sincerely sure: if you ask five times, maybe on the sixth you will take pity.

Why is that? Be confident in your decisions, offer your child clear rules. And follow them faithfully. But before you ban something, think: is it worth it? For convenience, all situations can be divided into two classes: when “rather possible”, and when “absolutely impossible”. For example, the rule “go to bed at 9 pm” can be revised depending on the situation. But no one should ever cross the road unaccompanied by an adult. So you will save the child from the need to choose and bear responsibility for which he is not yet ready.

"Control me"

What's happening? Evening, it's time to go to bed, and one girl rushes around the apartment like a little plump but ill-mannered buffalo. You say: "Daughter, let's calm down, we'll go swimming soon." No answer. You repeat: “Daughter, you are too loud, you are disturbing the neighbors!” Zero reaction. This continues until you put aside your business, come over, take the girl under your arm and tow it to the bathroom. This measure always helps, although it annoys you insanely that the child does not understand the words the first time.

Why is that? There is such an anecdote: a man said and a man did - two different men. The same with children. The child understood and the child did - children different ages. The daughter may realize that her loud screeching is disturbing her mother, but she cannot stop screaming. This is because understanding is a concept from the intellectual sphere, and self-control is from the emotional-volitional, which develops in children much later.

Why is that? Sometimes it is simply necessary to physically influence the child: stop on the run, take it and take it to Right place. That is, control. For a child who cannot recover in any way, the “holding” technique is suitable. You need to take the petty hooligan in your arms, hug him tightly and not let go, even if he kicks with all his might. The method is not for everyone, but for many it will work. After all, you do not just control the child, you also hug him and express your love. And this is what he expected from you.

Evil Enough

Many parents are afraid to scare the child and hold back with all their might. But in this way we only confuse the baby: he still sees and feels that something is wrong with you. Learn to express negative emotions. For example, in such ways.

words
Choose those that will not offend the child. Instead of "Get out of here, I'm tired of you," say, "I'm busy right now, please wait." Promise that you will solve all his questions in 5 (10, 15) minutes. And remember: when you ask him not to do something, immediately offer clear instructions on how to behave.
voice
Invite the child to shout together. Both will like it, and it won't take much time. You can also sing songs well. This can be practiced even in public transport.
movements
Adults love to let off steam by thrashing a punching bag. And for children, the lesson is simpler. They can, for example, throw balls at the wall. The more balls and safe walls (check with your neighbors which walls they consider safe), the better.

Is it okay to be angry with a child?

The topic of irritation towards children worries those parents who love their children and do not want to experience negative feelings for them, but such feelings, nevertheless, appear and their own child begins to annoy.

For such parents, the fact that their annoying own child is one of the most painful. One part in a person says that everything is in order with the child, he is just small, and the second part of the parent's personality explodes with rage, anger, aggression.

At the same time, the parent experiences guilt. How is it, how can you be so angry and annoyed at your own child, at this defenseless creature? The parent begins to scold himself last words. “If I feel and act like this, does that mean I don’t love him?” Self-hatred, resentment and resentment for such feelings grows.

The problem of irritation and aggression towards children concerns many parents. In my own way parenting experience, as well as from experience with other parents, I know that these feelings arise in almost everyone.

A lot of people are trying to figure it out. Most parents find it difficult to deal with their negative feelings about their child. Many do not even dare to admit it.

Negative feelings towards the child parental aggression occurs just like any other human feeling. The fact that a parent has irritation, anger, and sometimes even rage towards a child does not mean a lack of love. Often all these feelings are present at the same time.

Irritation (frustration) occurs when something does not go as expected, does not add up.

« frustration - mental condition arising in a situation of real or perceived impossibility to satisfy certain needs, or, more simply, in a situation of inconsistency of desires with available opportunities.

Irritation (frustration) is the basic primitive emotion present in all mammals. This emotion does not involve the cerebral cortex, so we often cannot explain the reason for our irritation. We're just annoyed.

Irritation is born in the limbic system, the functions of which were formed on initial stage evolution of the animal world. Irritation brings with it a huge charge of energy - aggression, which needs to go somewhere.

This energy of aggression is designed to change the situation that irritates and does not satisfy us, to get what is missing, to satisfy the need that is not satisfied. If you change the situation and get what you want, the energy goes towards change. If it is not possible to change the situation, the energy of aggression of irritation grows.

In life, we often find ourselves powerless to change the existing reality. At the moment of realizing the impossibility of change, it can be especially difficult to admit one's helplessness.

If a person is first angry about his helplessness, then grieves, mourns, then he manages to adapt to the current situation.

If a person, faced with the impossibility of change, cannot realize his helplessness and grieve about it, it will be impossible to move on to adaptation.

Since it is painful and “not right” according to some ideas to feel one’s vulnerability and helplessness, a person turns off his feelings. But it is impossible to turn off one feeling of helplessness, with the exclusion of one feeling, all the others become numb.

Then the person becomes unable to cry, to experience a sense of vulnerability, and aggression increases many times over. The last thing that stops her external manifestations in the form of aggressive actions, these are mixed feelings.

Feelings that are very different in their range, for example, both hatred and love at the same time, and anger and care at the same time. When, for example, you want, on the one hand, to break something valuable, on the other hand, you don’t want to clean up the wreckage and buy a new one. Sometimes at the same time you want to yell at the child and protect him from his frightening manifestations.

The stronger the feelings, the harder it is to experience their mixing. Young children cannot handle conflicting feelings. But it's hard for adults too. A child who is not taught in childhood to live mixed feelings, to recognize his helplessness and vulnerability, growing up, cannot do this either.

Why aren't children taught to deal with conflicting feelings and mourn their helplessness? Because at the moment of experiencing mixed feelings, the child often gets angry and cries. And in our culture it is customary to forbid getting angry and crying.

The child is not allowed to experience grief about the impossibility of fulfilling his desires, he is distracted, amused or scolded, instilled with guilt for tears and anger.

Life often makes us unpleasant surprises and we are often irritated. And children are a special source of such “surprises”. Therefore, situations where may occur quite often.

Every time something goes wrong, when the child does not meet expectations, there is irritation and after him - aggression. If the energy of aggression has not turned into changes or into grief over their impossibility, if, defending against a feeling of vulnerability, a person has frozen his feelings, and the skill of being aware of mixed feelings has not restrained aggression, then it comes out.

Some people think that getting annoyed with children is not acceptable, are you one of them? For example, talking about irritation with your own parents or aggression towards your husband is not so difficult. Talking about aggression towards a child is hard.

He is the most beloved, the best, baby! I love him. The child is sacred. And suddenly feelings arise in the soul that “shouldn’t be” there. Man cannot understand why is your own child annoying, feels guilty, at first tries to ignore such feelings, then to restrain, then to be distracted.

Well, if he succeeds. And if it doesn’t work out, he can’t cope with the oncoming irritation with his own child and explodes, starts screaming, hitting the child. Then he feels shame or blames the child for everything, tries to explain to him that it is his own fault, and this is no longer necessary so as not to anger mom (dad).

The next time the child does not obey again, the person feels justified indignation at the child's incomprehensibility, "how many times can you repeat?", And everything starts all over again.

Each time a person believes that this will not happen again, makes a promise to himself to start all over again, it is better to explain to the child how to behave correctly. The reason for why is your own child annoying, such an adult sees in a child.

He restrains himself, distracts himself, tries to scold himself with the last words to such an extent that it is no longer habitual to repeat his behavior, screaming or beating.

If mother (father) beats child, it means that parents cannot cope with their emotions on their own.

The belief in the inadmissibility of aggressive feelings towards a child encourages an adult not to abandon attempts to ignore and suppress them. Such methods of getting rid of irritation with your own child do not always work. Theoretical knowledge in psychology and the theory of the emergence of aggressive feelings most often does not give a practical result.

Parents who really care about their children often study the topic quite well, read books and related articles. Unfortunately, this knowledge also does not always help them overcome their reactions and their own child still annoys them ..

Irritation and aggression towards a child can occur in any person. The question is what then does the adult do with these feelings, how does his behavior and actions affect his irritation, anger?

Aggressive feelings towards a child become a problem when, as a result of their occurrence, parents begin to use physical and psychological abuse. Is it true, parental aggression does not always turn into violence.

If you don’t want to scream and beat a child, if you don’t want to get annoyed with him, if you think that children shouldn’t be beaten, but you can’t stop, “something comes over you”, you experience guilt, and your child is older than 2 years, then it can be almost impossible to overcome your reactions on your own.

If parents want to solve the problem with their negative emotions and actions in relation to the child, it is important for them to accept the fact that they cannot cope on their own yet.

Recognize that they need help in order to cope, do not wait, but seek the advice of a psychologist. It happens that after a few meetings a person can change his actions in situations where annoying own child, and stop your breakdowns on the child.

Most people are familiar with the concept of "physical violence", it implies very specific things, but the meaning of the concept of "psychological violence" is not obvious to many.

« Psychological abuse, Also emotional or moral abuse is a form of violence that can lead to psychological trauma, including anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Psychological violence is insults, humiliation, shouting, threats, blackmail, ignoring, slander, all types of restriction of freedom, making excessive demands that do not correspond to age, isolation, systematic unreasonable criticism, demonstrative negative attitude, frequent conflicts in the family, unpredictable behavior of parents.

Physical and psychological abuse in relation to the child inhibits his development. It harms the formation and enrichment of the intellect, the ability to adapt to different circumstances and situations, cognitive processes.

As a result of violence, the child becomes easily vulnerable, his self-esteem decreases. The ability to socialize decreases, it becomes conflict and, most likely, can be rejected by peers.

There are some situations and conditions when it is quite easy to go from aggression to violence. As a rule, if an adult is in a state of general physical and mental exhaustion, it is more difficult to resist aggressive manifestations when his own child is annoying.

The reasons for this exhaustion can be different: fatigue, severe financial position, chronic stress, a long illness of a child or an adult himself, a period of adaptation of a child in a foster family.

During such periods, an adult often uses violence against a child, impulsively copying the behavior of his own parents. This happens even when he is not happy with the behavior of his parents and does not want to be like them.

The use of violence is characteristic of an adult when he is in anxiety, very suspicious, afraid that something will happen to the child, really wants to protect the child from any unpleasant incidents, suffering, cannot endure children's crying.

Also, the use of violence occurs when an adult experiences a strong guilt for the fact that his own child annoys him, that he is a “bad” parent, he has a “bad” child. Such a feeling of guilt hypersensitivity Criticism (including imaginary) is often accompanied by various fantasies about the condemnation of those around him as a parent, that the child can be taken away or harmed, that someone decides that it would be better if they were not with the child.

This fear that someone will "cancel" an adult with his child is quite common, because historically implanted in the foundations of self-awareness in our country.

Several generations of people have grown up in our country who have gone through war, repression, prisons, camps, and violence. Their children were brought up mostly by emotionally cold women from constant stress, complete families were rare, and if they were complete, then mostly with traumatized fathers, children were often separated from their parents early.

Women often bring up in their children learned helplessness, the psychology of the victim, the belief that nothing depends on them, that someone strong can come and take everything away.

To this day, families often believe that it is impossible to praise children, they bring up only criticism, screams, physical punishment, ignoring because it's faster and more efficient, there is no time to figure it out.

To quickly and effectively control the child's behavior, phrases are used:

"You're bad, I don't need you like that"
"I don't care what you want"
"I'll give you to someone else's uncle (aunt)"
"I will leave you"
"Everyone will laugh at you"
"How did you bother me"
"Why do I need such a child"

The child translates all these words and actions for himself as follows:

"It would be better if I didn't exist"
"I can be canceled"
"I am not worthy of love"
"Everyone is bad because I am"

The child at such moments does not experience the fear of punishment, he experiences the horror of non-existence, death, cancellation.

Such upbringing deprives the child of the inner core - a sense of security and self-confidence, self-image as good, correct, important and existing. A person can no longer take criticism calmly if he experienced such fear regularly in childhood.

Any criticism, the slightest mistake, real or imagined, is perceived by him as proof that he has no right to exist, causes horror, guilt and aggression.

A person with a fragile inner core is very vulnerable. He is always in a state of fear that someone can “cancel” him, and he is constantly forced to defend his wounded dignity and the right to life.

These were the forms of behavior that most modern parents imbibed from childhood. Other forms of parental behavior in relation to their children, not absorbed from childhood, require significant conscious control, it is not always possible to carry them out automatically.

Behaviors that didn't work naturally learn from your parents, you can learn on your own or with the help of a psychologist. This requires knowledge of your difficulties, recognition of the fact that your own child annoys you, conscious efforts to “grow” new forms of behavior and daily work on yourself.

In the second part of the article, we will talk about what happens when parents cannot cope with their aggression, about the forms of physical and psychological abuse in the family and their consequences: