How to break off a relationship with a friend and is it worth doing? The whole truth about female friendship

Over time, we change, and our relationships with friends change in the same way. With some we become closer, but with others we see each other a couple of times a year and have difficulty finding topics to talk about. Does this mean the friendship is over?

Andrey and I have theater tickets for today, it starts in two hours! And my mother just said that she was sick and would not be able to look after the children. Please, can I drop Lena and Lisa off with you on the way to the theater? I understand that all this is not at the right time, but what should I do!" - this is the request my friend Karina made to me. Her voice on the phone was so pitiful that I simply did not find the strength to refuse. Although, probably, I had to do this: my husband was on a business trip, my throat was starting to hurt, and I really wanted to go to bed early that day, and not watch four children jumping around the apartment - two of mine and two of Karin's. But two tickets were worth it almost 10 thousand rubles, and I know that Karina really very rarely manages to go to the theater, however, like any working mother of two children.

“Okay, bring them to our house,” I agreed. "You a true friend! - Karina was happy. - Can they spend the night with you, huh? And tomorrow morning Andrey will pick them up and take them to school?

There was nowhere to retreat, and I agreed. Needless to say, in the morning Andrey got stuck in a traffic jam and I had to take him to school first and kindergarten their children, and then also take Karina’s girls? This was probably the first serious blow to our friendship, when I thought: do I need this relationship?

The second blow happened a few months later. We invited Karina, her husband and children to our place for dinner. They arrived an hour and a half later (our phone calls they didn’t answer), and when they finally showed up, Karina waved a small bag in front of my nose: “Can I fry a piece of chicken for Lenochka? She doesn't like the way you cook."

And finally, the final blow. IN the winter vacation We were going to go ice skating with the children. We discussed the time and day for a long time, and finally agreed. We promised the girls that after the skating rink we would go to a cafe to drink hot chocolate and eat pies. The children counted the days until this trip. Now imagine that on the appointed day we pick up Karina, and her mother opens the door. It turns out that my friend and Lisa made an appointment with a doctor who is very difficult to get to, and left for the appointment. I understand everything, children’s health is very important. But why didn't she even call me to warn me?

I couldn’t find a place for myself all day, and in the evening, when I told this story to my husband in tears, he judiciously declared: “It’s time to stop this, don’t you understand?” Yes, if you think that Karina found the time to call me and apologize, then know: she didn’t.

I thought for a long time about whether my husband was right. By what signs can you understand that friendship is a thing of the past and you shouldn’t waste your time and nerves on a relationship that no one needs?

When something truly terrible happens, such questions do not arise. If a friend slept with your husband or borrowed a lot of money from you and said she would never pay you back, you won't think about whether to continue the relationship. But if she takes five hundred rubles from you from time to time and never returns? Or he forgets to warn that the trip to the skating rink is cancelled, does this mean that the friendship is over? Think about these typical situations.

Disappearing girlfriend

You once studied at college together and were closer than your sisters. The two of you prepared for exams, knew everything about each other’s hobbies, quarreled over fans, talked on the phone until dawn and got into such troubles that now it’s even scary to remember them. After college, you got married, and your friend is still looking for her soulmate. You have children whom you love very much, and she loves to travel and changes men like gloves. At 30, you and she have become completely different people. And when you meet every few months, dialogue does not work out. One of you talks about your life, and the other listens without any interest. Is it worth talking about friendship here?

Suffering girlfriend

She has a terrible boss and terrible colleagues. Her mother has been harassing her since childhood. She is in a constant showdown with her husband, and her children endlessly suffer from the most terrible diseases imaginable. And at first you listen to all her complaints about life and even give advice, because you are not an animal and sympathize with your friend! Maybe you are even trying to help her and offering ways out. confusing situations. But over time, it becomes clear that she does not need exits, nor does she need your practical help. And after the next one telephone conversation you feel as if you just donated two liters of blood. Do you need such a friend?

Absent-minded girlfriend

Your child calls from the cinema: “Mom, the film is over, but Mom’s car didn’t come for us. She tells us to take a walk for now. shopping center, and she will arrive in an hour, she got the time wrong.” You drop everything and go pick up the kids from the cinema. How many times have you rescheduled meetings with a friend or helped her out at the last minute because she “got the time wrong” or “completely forgot” about something very important? And if every time you turn out to be less important than the circumstances that she “completely forgot” about, does that mean it’s time for you to forget about her?

Ideal girlfriend

If you and your family decide to grab sandwiches in the nearest park, then she brings with you a complex salad with a dozen ingredients and canapés decorated with shaped pieces of colorful vegetables, as well as disposable tableware and napkins to match. And you with your sandwiches made on a quick fix, you look pretty pale. When you manage to find a good one for your children summer camp with English classes, she is very happy for you. But then she says that her son will go to a camp by the sea, where there are horse riding classes and a cable car, and certified psychologists work with each child on the ability to interact with others and solve all issues together. If the school arranges Classroom hour for girls, where mothers and daughters must do holiday card, your friend not only gives out in 15 minutes a real masterpiece, but also saves your crooked craft. She wins over and over again in competitions that you didn't even intend to participate in. How does this happen?

Amazing girlfriend

You've only known each other for a few months, but you're already looking forward to every new meeting, after all, with yours new friend always happen amazing stories. She is saved from death by amazing strangers, she is being courted by a real oligarch, her child is a child prodigy, and she is now enrolling him in a school for gifted children, her husband is about to earn a million... You listen to all this with your mouth open. But do you really believe in all this?

Virtual girlfriend

You consider her your closest friend, you are ready to trust her with any secret and you know that she will not let you down. difficult situation. But in Lately each of you is so busy with children, work and family that you meet very rarely. And if you think about it, it turns out that Last year you've met once or twice. The most you have time for is short messages V in social networks. And if we’re going to be completely honest, you can’t tell her secrets either: there’s no time... So are you really still friends?

EIf you notice that difficulties have begun to appear in communication with your friend, know: this is the most the right time in order to reconsider your relationship. And also realize what place this friendship occupies in your life now - not after college and not when your children went to the same kindergarten, but today. Is this relationship worth the time and effort you put into it? And are you really investing as much into them as you think?

If you need girlfriends and the support they can provide you, it is best to create a small group of friends, psychologists advise. At the same time, you will become closest to someone, and with someone you will simply be on good friendly terms. The advantages here are obvious: when you keep in touch with several friends at once, you treat them more easily and do not demand too much.

Imagine: if your one and only close girlfriend has finally established her personal life and got married, she is unlikely to have much time for you. This could turn into a real tragedy. But, if you have several girlfriends, you will not find yourself in an emotional vacuum, you will be able to soberly assess the situation and understand your friend as a human being. And in fact, if she has finally found the man of her dreams, it is not surprising that she no longer notices anyone around her. In other words, if you rely on one friend to provide everything you need in communication, you will most likely be disappointed in her. If you don't put anyone on a pedestal, then there is no risk of disappointment.

The second point that psychologists pay attention to is that not everything should be discussed with a friend. You may feel like you're not as close because you don't tell each other every last detail like you did in school. But in fact, you just matured, became wiser and realized that there are issues that should not be discussed even with a close friend.

Friendships are immediately affected by changes in lifestyle. If one of your friends gets married, gives birth to a child, moves to a more responsible job, or gets divorced, this immediately affects the relationship. And one more sign wise attitude to life lies precisely in the fact that a certain pause in a relationship does not become a collapse for you. After all, you understand that there is a break objective reasons and they have nothing to do with personal affections.

Moreover, even if something really unpleasant happened in a relationship with a friend, do not rush to break it off. Even if she can't find mutual language with your husband and does not understand how you can give up your career for the sake of children, do not write angry letters and do not say harsh words. As time passes, your friend will also get married and become a mother, and then you will be able to understand each other and become closer than ever.

If, after analyzing your relationship with your friend, you realized that you are no longer ready to put up with negative sides her character, try to change something. But don’t try to change your girlfriend, this is a road to nowhere. The best thing to do is try to change your view of the relationship itself. For example, you know that your absent-minded friend is a lot of fun on holidays and birthdays, but in important matters she can let you down. So give up important things to do together, but continue to celebrate birthdays together. And you should attract an ideal friend just when you need help with important issues: She will take this very seriously and do everything in her power.

No matter what men say, friendship is very important for women. It gives us the necessary psychological support and comfort. Indeed, true friends are known in trouble, but it happens that true friends turn out to be so reliable that they do not allow even greater trouble.

Two years ago, when I was hospitalized for several days, my friends, whom we rarely see due to lack of time, organized an “evening club.” They took turns bringing dinner for my husband and children in the evening, thanks to which they did not have to eat processed foods all this time. And all this was started by the same Karina, who so irresponsibly went to the doctor when we were getting ready to go to the skating rink, and dropped off her children for me for the whole night.

Here's the most valuable advice of all the things psychologists talked to me about when preparing this article: our anger needs an outlet. And there is no point in taking out your anger on those who came under you hot hand. There is no point in complaining to third parties about someone who offended you: “No, can you imagine what she did?!” It is much more constructive to talk and sort things out with the one who caused the negative emotions.

Three months have passed since Karina went to the doctor instead of skating. We called her several times, but never talked about what happened that day. I didn’t tell you how upset my daughters were and how angry I was. Or maybe it's worth doing this? I took the phone and called Karina.

PHOTO: PRO. CORBIS/FOTOSA.RU. TEXT: BASED ON MATERIALS BY BETSY RAPOPORT

The existence of female friendship for many men continues to be a fantasy. But you and I already know that it exists! It is believed that good friend- this is the one with whom you went through fire, water and copper pipes. However, this does not always happen and not with everyone - on the contrary, we very often come across problems in communicating with friends. Some will prefer to give up and join the camp of people who deny female friendship, while others will try to solve these problems and strengthen relationships. And it is for them that our article is intended.

Your friend's character

Who is your friend? This question is often decisive, because we all make friends in different ways. This applies to the topics we choose to talk about, how we like to spend our time, and even the way we speak. This disparity is due to the fact that the role of a friend is played by people with various types character, and with each of them we come into contact with different facets of our personality. What roles do friends most often play in our lives?

• Expert

She knows everything and about everything in the world. You can always call her and ask about how to care for a rare plant, what product should be introduced into the baby’s diet next, or just find out some encyclopedic fact. It's great to have such a one-stop source of knowledge and advice, but sometimes it can be disastrous. It often happens that this friend can start giving advice with or without reason, because she knows better than anyone how to live. And this can cause a storm of negative emotions.

• Party girl

It's very fun to go to bars, clubs and parties with such a friend. It’s like an eternal holiday that you can always take with you. Together with her you are able to “light up” anywhere, even on family dinner at your grandmother's house. Of course, such a friend is vital, but if you overdose on communication with her, oddly enough, it can become boring. Parties are parties, but you want something else in life besides parties.

• Dobryachka

A very kind and sweet girl. She never speaks ill of anyone. It’s good to communicate with her on some life-affirming topics; she will always find advantages in the current circumstances and good qualities V bad people. Sometimes this is useful. However, in those situations when you need your friend to scold someone with you, she will not be able to do this, because considers everyone to be good at heart.

• Extreme

Ooooh, all the adventures in your life are connected with her. She is absolutely reckless and capable of the craziest things: suddenly taking off on a trip around the world, shaving her head or wearing scary costumes on Halloween and go ring the doorbell strangers. You will never get bored with her - she is always full of surprises and interesting ideas. However, constantly maintaining such a rhythm of life can be very difficult for us, ordinary people!

• Vest and whiner

These two roles are impossible without each other, so they are combined. The whining friend does nothing but complain about her misadventures. She always feels bad, because... there is always some kind of tragedy in her life. What is the pleasure of communicating with such a friend? This may sound terrible, but in a conversation with her you realize that, by and large, everything is fine with you. Therefore, such communication can sometimes be pleasant in homeopathic doses. Your vest friend always listens to your complaints. She is a master at wiping snot and empathy. She is the one you call when something happens to you, so the benefits of interacting with her are obvious. However, in all other respects she is rather expressionless.

• Critic

She always doesn't like something about you - the way you speak, the color of the walls in the living room, or the way you raise your child. She constantly criticizes you on these and many other points. The motives for communicating with such a friend are usually similar for everyone: this is an old friend, and you communicate, most likely, out of inertia. However, you can also find advantages in such communication: no one but her will give you such an objective and honest feedback. Taking her comments into account, you can improve your appearance, behavior and living room walls. The main thing is to learn to separate the wheat from the chaff, those things that you are really bad at, from things that you just like the way they are. And protect your self-esteem from its attacks.

• Assistant

A kind of lifesaver, always ready to listen to you and help you out. Did you drive into a lamppost? She’s already right there, helping you deal with the traffic police. It's possible that she doesn't even feel your friendship if you don't ask her for help. for a long time. Such a person is truly irreplaceable in life, just try not to abuse her trust and do not fall into a relationship of obligation - “since she helps me, then I should also help her in everything.” Do what you consider necessary and possible for her and do not consider yourself obligated to do what you strongly dislike.

• Friend with similar interests

You have something in common with her - a memory, interest or area of ​​life. You both might be moms, love cross stitch, or reminisce. cooperative games in the sandbox. There can be many such friends, and each of them will have something in common with you. At the same time, it is quite possible that you will have to turn a blind eye to your incompatibility in all other plans.

Problems communicating with a friend

However, even in communication with the most ideal girlfriend there are difficulties and problems. Both of you are living people with your own characteristics and shortcomings, so there simply cannot be complete calm and idyll between you. The main thing is that you both have the desire to overcome these obstacles and maintain your friendship. Here is a list of the most important issues in the relationship between two friends:

• Envy

Oh, this is a black feeling! Each of us has envied someone at least once in our lives. It’s a paradox, but women are more likely to envy each other than men (maybe they just hide it more carefully?). Envy has a very bad effect on friendship, because it is precisely because of it that anger and the desire to harm arise, along with which friendship disappears. It is very difficult not to envy a friend (especially when it seems to you that you do everything the same, but she does it better), but it is possible. You know very well the underbelly of her success - so try to put this knowledge into practice. Soberly assess what your friend lost for the sake of her achievements. Ask her what helped her in a given situation. Instead of being jealous, ask for support and advice. Be honest that you want what she has. And then there will be much less envy.

• Selfishness

This is generally a “killer” of friendship. An egocentric person needs everything to be for his sake and for him - in general, for the world to revolve around him. And when in a relationship one person pulls the blanket over himself, this is very bad. Such a person cannot support a friend and sincerely help her, because sometimes this requires leaving himself and his desires in the background.

• Competition

This is not always a problem - sometimes it happens that competition adds an element of play to relationships, tones up friends, and motivates them to new achievements. But it becomes a problem the moment the race for success turns out to be more important than friendship. Sometimes you even want to annoy her with something, just to be in something better than her. As a rule, when the desire to be first is so strongly expressed in one or both friends, then it makes sense to abandon the friendship, since mutual sympathy, openness, trust and support become impossible. However, if you only occasionally compete with your friend, then your relationship has a chance to continue.

• Lie

The urge to lie to a friend can be explained for various reasons: the desire to get something from her, to gain the attention of a man you both like, or simply not to offend in some matter. But no matter the intention, 99% of the time, lying is a symptom that something is wrong in your relationship with your friend: you can't be sincere with her, you want her harm, or you just don't care about her. In the last two cases, there is no point in continuing such a friendship. But if you are simply afraid to be frank with your friend, think about it - where did this fear come from? After all, if you are embarrassed to tell your friend that the new dress doesn’t suit her, it only seems to you that you are protecting her feelings; in fact, you do nothing to prevent her from wasting money (and possibly even greater losses). Of course, it is impossible to always be truthful, but we must try to make relationships with friends as honest and open as possible.

• Misunderstanding

You feel like your friend doesn’t understand you (and maybe you don’t understand her either). Very often this happens due to the inability to look at the situation through the eyes of the interlocutor and intolerance to other opinions. If this applies to you, then try to be less harsh - your friend is also a person, and not all her thoughts are stupid and irrational. You can accept her point of view and actions a couple of times, and you will see how it has a good effect on your friendship. If your friend is guilty of such intolerance, then try to explain to her how important her understanding and support are to you.

• Excessive intrusiveness

There are friends who seem to want to “merge” with you and your life. This often occurs due to a feeling of emptiness in their lives and an inability to be alone. This phenomenon must be dealt with harshly. Put such friends in their place, explaining to them that now you want to be alone and that this is not a manifestation of your dislike for them - you are just tired of communicating and you need rest and personal space.

• Harshness in communication

Your friend can be harsh when expressing her own opinions or comments about you. In this situation, you need to honestly and openly explain to her that sometimes you need to sweeten the pill. Not “you look like a prostitute,” but “this, of course, is very sexy, but if I were you, I would wear something less frilly.” You can practice such substitutions with her.

Unfortunately, for many women, relationships full of such problems are the norm. It seems to them that there can be no other female friendship, and all girls are petty and harmful creatures who dream of stealing their boyfriend and are always demanding something. But that's not true! Good communication with a friend is real, and it is quite possible to achieve it. A relationship with a friend should first of all satisfy both of you. As a rule, they are characterized by ease and enjoyment of communication. This does not eliminate periodic outbursts of anger, anxiety, grief and envy. They just happen quite rarely, but in general there is a stable desire to continue communication. You don’t have a constant desire to cancel a meeting by lying about having a headache or being stuck at work. The main background of communication is positive. You support each other, although you may sometimes argue and fight. Such communication is interesting for both of you, energizes you and gives you strength.

It must be remembered that this is not an ideal to strive for, but simply guidelines. We wrote about them in order to show many women that friendship is a positive phenomenon. In cases where your communication is radically different from what is described, you should think about what you get from such friendship? Perhaps some personal problems are preventing you from ending such a relationship, for example, thoughts that you are unworthy of more, lack of hope for other better relationship, lack of faith in one’s own strength, fear of change, fear of losing all your friends and being left alone. These are all serious things that cannot be ignored, but remember - you only have one life, and you need to live it with pleasure, and not out of a sense of duty or fear.

Dangerous topics for communication

It's great if you can talk to your friend about everything in the world. However, this is not always the case. Most people try to avoid a number of topics in their communication. This may be due to the extreme importance of this topic in a person’s life, the fact that it is highly likely to provoke a conflict, and the fact that when talking about it, a person feels psychological discomfort. Here are the most dangerous topics in communication:

• Money is a symbol of success, power, opportunity and much more. For many people, money is inextricably linked with self-esteem, so if there are any problems in this area, then raising the topic of finances will immediately cause a flurry of unpleasant emotions.
• Very often, religion is a topic that is too significant for a person, and therefore overly loaded with emotions. It's good if it's positive emotions, And if not?
• Disadvantages of family and friends. Even if you tell the truth about the shortcomings loved one, your friend will have a primitive instinct - the desire to protect her loved one at any cost. She will be offended by you and will justify it with everything possible ways. Therefore, it is better not to create an awkward situation and be guided by the principle that only she can scold her family.
• Politics permeates our entire society, the quality of life depends on it, and, you see, all this is very important for you and me. You and your friend may have such diametrical views on this issue that a quarrel cannot be avoided.
• Psychologically difficult situations. Here, probably, everything is clear - you shouldn’t reopen old wounds and talk to a person about what is unpleasant for him.

How to improve communication with a friend?

Unfortunately, not every friendship has the right to exist. Above we described a relationship in which both or one party is not interested in continuing. Typically, this refers to those types of friendships where someone is too uncomfortable or difficult in the communication process. In all other cases, there is an opportunity to correct or improve the relationship. Below are tips for communicating with your girlfriend that can improve your friendship:

• Be honest with each other

This has been written about above many times, but repetition is the mother of learning. Honesty and openness are the best foundation for building strong friendly relations. Insincerity is always felt and leads to mistrust, so it is better to avoid it.

• Learn to give

Every relationship is based on balance, including friendship. If you are the only one for whom your relationship works, then soon your friend will get tired of it and she will run away from you. Therefore, try to periodically do something good for her.

• Try to understand your friend and her point of view

Each person is unique and has their own worldview. It is always based on something and does not come out of nowhere. Even if your friend’s views seem stupid and blasphemous to you, try to understand her - at least partly. You don't have to accept them - just find out how she formed her opinion on a particular issue or why she acts the way she does. Surely you will learn a lot of new and useful things for yourself.

• Clearly define your relationships with men

The most common reason, according to which female friendship being denied existence means quarrels over the stronger half of humanity. Therefore, our task is to prove to everyone that this is not so! Discuss with your friend all the slightest nuances of relationships with men, so as not to cause offense and not “cross the path” of each other. Friendship doesn't have to be more important than love- perhaps in your case everything will be the other way around, but you will both be mentally prepared for it.

• Support each other

Remember that sometimes you just want to hear “you’re doing everything right!” or “everything will be fine.” This gives us confidence in our own abilities and tomorrow, and it costs nothing. Therefore, support your friend more often, and she will answer you in kind.

• Remember that your friend also has a personal life

Each of you should have your own boundaries and personal space. Some areas of life should be just for you and your family. And if a friend is offended by such boundaries, then you should gently explain to her that you need solitude and independence like food and sleep, and this does not mean that you are hiding something from her. Try to have at least one area in your life - there you can realize yourself without a friend and avoid competition. Give advice only if you are asked - do not meddle in your friend’s life unless clearly necessary.

• Train your ability to understand and “read” your friend without words

It’s very cool when you don’t have to explain to each other what’s happening to you - it’s already clear from your facial expressions. This level of mutual understanding is usually achieved only when deep sympathy and over a long period of time.

Discussion 1

No answer, no hello. Two whole weeks of silence and not a single insignificant message, oh well messages - not even a single meaningless emoticon! And this despite the fact that we’ve been together for so many years... And then he’ll show up and, as if nothing had happened: “Hello, honey! How are you?" Like me?! Honestly, friend, if you were my boyfriend, we would have parted in the twentieth century!

Lately, I have been increasingly struck by the thought that the difference in relationships with a young man and a close friend (let’s shorten them for convenience to MCH and BP) is not so glaring. To summarize, it comes down to the absence of two key points- “the one” and the prospects for Mendelssohn’s cherished march. As for the rest - well, it’s very similar... Sometimes you also want to strangle your friend in your arms, sometimes you want to hit her on the head with something more elegant than a cast-iron frying pan (coffee turk?) and almost always ask something eternally philosophical and therefore terribly annoying her: how do you think me better hair up or loose?

What about the intensity of passions and the dramaturgy? Yes, there is the same script! One evening, having written out all the coincidences in a neat column on a napkin, I realized with horror that I had no right to look down and say: “I’m not dating anyone right now,” because I’m always in a relationship! By the way, with you, dear.

People meet

Meeting a new friend is nothing more than a chance to find a soul mate (read: the Girlfriend of Your Dreams). Sometimes it’s enough to exchange one knowing look or a conspiratorial laugh, and that’s it - chemical reactions have begun, a spark has flown! And it doesn’t matter at all what kind of stupidity tied you up. I'm with mine best friend I met twenty years ago, when we ate unripe dusty rowan behind the tram ring, and then spent half a day in ecstasy that someone shared this gastronomic delight with me. Of the obvious advantages: meeting a Girlfriend-in-Prospect is completely devoid of the nagging fear of hearing “you know, in fact, I’m not ready for new friendship” or “I already have a girlfriend.” And one more thing - it’s somehow not customary for girls to give other girls the wrong phone number or promise to call back and then disappear without a trace with the dexterity of a professional pick-up artist.

Candy-bouquet period

There is also a period in friendship when everything is just beginning. As my BP mysteriously says (one of my BPs, because friendly polygamy is approved by society), “we were spun around by a carousel of events...” First conversations until midnight, first sales, the first “and two more Vodka Martinis - shaken, not mixed.” Potential B.P. may turn out to be a shopaholic, a party girl, an extreme enthusiast, an intellectual, a foreigner and will open up a whole new world. And at the same time, be aware of universal human values, that is, not think that Manolo Blahnik is a player of the Croatian national hockey team. To summarize: in friendship, as in love, the euphoria from communication is definitely present, although it does not reach the climax of butterflies in the stomach and cold palms.

In friendship, it doesn’t matter at all what kind of stupidity connected you.

Points of contact

Sorry for the tautology, but we girls love to touch what we love. Squeeze, sniff, stroke, shake, scratch, squeeze, ruffle, take out of the closet, purr contentedly “my-eee” and hang it back. And vice versa. Let us be combed, massaged, hugged, regularly allowed to cling to the shoulder, let silk flow over us or be hugged by 100%, but oh-so beautifully sparkling synthetics. Tactility is an important component of love and friendship. Girlfriends kiss when they meet, hold hands, weave spikelets and draw smoky eyes before super important events. And also: they help zip up dresses, periodically spend the night with each other, drink from the same cup, change clothes, grab hands to examine manicures - in general, there are countless points of contact. And the fact that the point routes of the MC and BP are complementary, but not interchangeable, is a wise idea of ​​nature!

Meeting the parents

Yes Yes Yes. Day X comes in every relationship. Of course, the older we become, the greater the chance that BP lives separately, and the less likely it is to have regular meetings with Adelaide Konstantinovna and (“for-you-it’s-just-Nikolai”) Nikolai Tikhomirovich. It is also possible to anticipate events and meet her parents in infancy, having managed to establish herself as “that polite girl with a blue bow” or “that girl who came and ate all the sushi.”

But all the same, even if bypassing the parents, the bridesmaids are inevitable: boyfriend, husband, younger sister, older brother, colleagues, friends and girlfriends - that is, her close circle. Of course, the ideal option is to please them all. A slightly more realistic option is drying with dryers, but in love and friendship you can’t order your heart. Masha and I will still be together.

Jealous , Means?..

“So many friends, so little time!” - friend A accidentally said to friend B, which caused the latter to have a week-long pangs of jealousy. Because only in utopian HBO series do girls manage to be friends for decades and at the same time be the best for each other. In ordinary life, far from Manhattan, there is always a place for Shakespearean passions of varying degrees of validity. From classic attacks of jealousy a la sixth grade, “So be friends with her!” to constant disturbing fantasies about how the two of them are having fun together. They went on a shopping, café and exhibition spree without you - a small betrayal, met charming handsome people there - average, they constantly remember this stupid adventure, giggling and calling them “mine” and “yours” - there is no forgiveness for them!

Parting

All around. She got married and went to Sakhalin (or just got married, period), you went on a Greenpeace mission to wash off the oil from the penguins.

And it seems that you are still close friends, but distance friendship, like distance sex, does not bring complete satisfaction - not every girl in the prime of life, years and libido can pass the Skype test. Another option: without any aura of romance, you just had a ridiculous quarrel. And so other BPs took your place, and you yourself threw yourself into the whirlpool of random and chaotic friendships. You’ve added fifty people to “Contact”, you’ve been featured in a hundred photographs, and you mindlessly share with others your once untouchable joys (there are attributes in relationships with both the MC and the BP): your routes, your director, your coffee shop, your already- I don’t-know-what-but-exactly-wonderful-memories-are connected with this.

Happy End

Fortunately, both there and there are happening karmic encounters with the past and fateful reconciliations, proving that you can step into the same river twice.

Our friends return from other continents, show up after years of family life, and simply meet in the crowd - in the best melodramatic traditions. A long look, pauses full of subtexts, aching joy from the fact that you still understand each other perfectly, and choked sobs of laughter when it turns out that you not only understand, but also remember to the smallest detail all your joint exploits. That’s why it’s the dramaturgy of relationships, so that with a real friend (semantic emphasis on “real”) and a loved one, one day you can start all over again.

How are they

Here's what they write about their friends on www.Cosmopolitan.com:

• BFF(best friends forever)— Friends-in-water: behind this abbreviation lies true friendship, tested by conversations, partings, liters of coffee and time.

• Frenemy(friends + enemy)— Friend-enemy: a fashionable concept in friendly psychology. The one who noticeably perks up from your bad dates and career failures, does not pay off debts (but buys himself shoes!), gives anti-cellulite cream and is generally interested in your life exclusively in the context of his own. And at the same time, parting with her is not so easy.

• Toxic friendship triangle- a problematic friendship triangle: that same jealousy and the magical ability to balance between two very close friends.

...In general, everything is like ours!

Ksenia Kosheleva
PHOTO NICK ONKEN/HMI

Female friendship is a complicated thing. Sometimes they say that women are friends with the first man: as soon as a man appears on the horizon, interesting to both, female friendship evaporates and you get an enemy whose insidious plans you may not even suspect. Our psychologist will tell you how to understand a person and a relationship with a friend.

How to deal with a relationship with a friend

"Hello! I have this problem in my relationship with my friend. I am currently forced to communicate with one girl who, perhaps without thinking anything bad and treating me very well, has sharply lowered my reputation among my circle of friends and, one might say, forced me out of my company.

She is a more sociable person, loves to be the center of attention, jokes and laughs. I communicated more personally with each of these people, but I am a more serious person and in general my circle of communication consists mainly of individual people, and not of one cheerful party.

Since she started communicating with all my good friends, they stopped seeing me, she is the center of attention, and no one hears what I say. They are not interested in me. These are mostly guys, but they treat her in a friendly manner. If the three of us stand together, then she laughs and jokes (this is all the time) with someone, and I’m like an empty space.

These people don't consider me anymore interesting person, apparently compared to her I look boring. Sometimes, in a conversation with someone, she throws strange glances at me, “jokingly” she will say something about me, and this does not look like a bad thing, but elevates her and belittles me. And I can’t tell her anything, because it’s all encrypted, and I will show my weakness.

How should I behave with her and with these people? She is considered my friend, and she herself does not wish me harm. If I like some guy and I’m flirting with him, then she comes up and starts talking to him in a friendly way (she has a boyfriend and everyone knows it), interrupts his attention, because in in this case I'm flirting, and that's why I shouldn't hang on to him! What should I do? How to understand a relationship with a friend, and is she really my friend? Olga Androsik."

How to understand a relationship with a friend, answers psychologist Elena Poryvaeva

Your friend is very much like a dog in the manger: neither to herself nor to people. Yes, it’s not good of her, but! What makes you think that your friends stopped noticing you? Why don't they need you? You underestimate them. There is a fun party, and there are individual people who value truly friendly relationships. And you compete with her for male attention, for a leadership position, and this is your problem in your relationship with your friend.

What should you do? How to proceed? I think there are possible options here. Either you clear your territory by openly discussing your difficult experiences with your friend, or you accept the fact that you are a private person and, perhaps, your uniqueness lies in the fact that you build friendly relationships with specific people.

To be honest, I don’t think everything is so categorical. She just stepped on your boundaries, and you, as a friend, can tell her about it. You should also remember that there are women who can only be friends with men. And any woman is a rival for them. Perhaps this is about one of you two.

How to figure out a person: friend or enemy?

Women often try to understand the person who is next to them in order to know: can a friend be trusted, what are her true goals, is she a friend or is she actually a hidden enemy? Such experiences in relation to girlfriends - normal phenomenon, because women have been competing with each other for centuries, while rarely entering into open conflicts, using mainly undercover games.

That is why it is very important to understand the relationship with your friend and establish whether he is like that at all. Here are some recommendations on this issue.

1) Remember that friends are known both in trouble and in joy. Following this, analyze your friend's behavior and attitude. If she appears only when things are difficult and bad for you, think about whether she is secretly enjoying your problems.

If you feel intuitive level that you can only share negative moments of your life with a friend, then you can say with confidence that such a friend is not a bosom friend at all. Such friends often have a negative impact on your self-confidence, telling you that nothing will work out for you. These people envy you and want to assert themselves at the expense of others.

2) Pay attention to your friend's behavior in the presence of your husband or young man. Knowing how you feel about this person, she should not directly flirt with him or behave provocatively. If she allows herself this and at the same time flirts with him, parading in revealing outfits, then try to end any relationship with her friend, since she is friends with you not because of you, but because of the young man you are with you experience feelings.

Such a friend will do everything to seem better, because she knows your shortcomings. She will dress better, invite him to visit you when you are away or busy, ask him to help with repairs or the computer, etc. Do not communicate with such a friend, because she is insidious and capable of much.

3) If you are both single and, being in a male company, your friend attracts more attention to herself and does not give you the opportunity to express yourself, and at the same time puts you in a bad light in front of others, then you should think about whether such a friend is needed at all.

The question of how to understand this person disappears on its own if you hear that a friend is telling the stories of your personal life, details that only she knew and at the same time constantly makes fun of you. If she then finds an excuse for her behavior or wonders what bad she said and at the same time does the same thing in a similar situation, do not hesitate and break off the relationship with her.

4) If some secret information that only your friend knew about takes the form of gossip and circulates among your friends and acquaintances, then this a clear sign betrayal and you should not have friendly relations with such a person, this is not a friend, this is your enemy.

Hello, Evgeniya! My name is Yulia, I am 34 years old. A few months ago I ended my relationship with a friend (without finding out the reasons, I reduced communication and contacts to an inevitable minimum), with whom I had been communicating for more than 10 years. In the recent past, she was very supportive of me when I was going through a difficult time. life situation associated with separation. She was there, informed about my life and events, encouraged me, involved me in the events of her life. However, after some time, I began to feel that my friend was using my failures and experiences for self-affirmation: she ridiculed my feelings, my actions, emphasizing my inferiority and her superiority and luck, bombarding me with advice on “what’s best,” “how to do it.” ". A friend’s mother once said that “Yulia cannot be called mentally healthy person"and a friend picked up this idea, since then she has constantly repeated to me that I am a mentally ill person)). Her conviction of this was further strengthened by the fact that for a year I resorted to psychological help (Gestalt therapy, psychological trainings), to which the friend is mockingly skeptical. I didn’t take any medications, preferring to deal with the cause of my worries on my own. In the end, I realized that I didn’t want to communicate with my friend anymore; in the end, all communication boils down to the fact that she is looking for any excuse to make sure of her own superiority over me, to make fun of me. This unhealthy relationship for me, not the format I need. Congratulating her on the New Year and not giving her any reasons for ridicule, I nevertheless received, among others, good wishes, wish for “mental health”))) Perhaps she said this without specifically referring to me (she treats many people this way), however, I realized that it still hurts me. So the question is - why? Why do I still react to this phrase (about mental illness)? Why am I still annoyed by her advice on what to do, what to feel and what I should like (communication remains only online)? I understand that I am avoiding and even fearing meetings with her precisely because I will again hear “good advice” and ridicule and this will irritate me, and this will make me even more vulnerable. I am confident in myself, I know what I want and what my problems are, I don’t need her advice. Why she does this, I don’t want to figure it out or fantasize. But why does she annoy me? What is it in me that reacts so strongly? What's my problem?
Thank you!
Happy New Year! Good luck and happiness!))

Hello Julia!

I read your letter... and thought about it: you write non-trivial things. It seems like it’s not a problem, it’s just a “PROBLEM”, but it’s a very ambiguous thing, that’s a fact. It is clear from your letter that you have attended psychotherapy sessions - you reflect feelings well, formulate thoughts, it is clear that you are developing personally and have overcome a lot. I'm right?

At first I put the letter aside and went to think, to delve into myself, how I perceive this. In fact, this is a common situation, and I also have such a la girlfriends. Yes, your friend is clearly asserting herself and, even more than that, she is projecting her own fears onto you and others. Making fun of the fact that a person turned to a psychologist... turning to a psychologist is an attempt to study oneself more deeply, understand and develop. It is a desire to open up new possibilities, not an admission of weakness. Although admitting weakness gives a lot. She can't do this. Calling others mentally ill, she most likely fears for herself and does not feel confident in herself, although she will vehemently deny this.

In general, everything is clear with her.

What's wrong with you... I don't know you, and it's hard for me to judge whether you have a problem or not. This can be established in the process of psychotherapeutic communication.

But there are several points that are common in principle...

First: it would probably hurt me too. I have people who assert themselves at my expense, although I do not compete with them. I understand them, I’m not angry, I realize that these are other people’s problems, and I DO NOT TAKE them upon myself. Well, they assert themselves, and God be with them. I don’t communicate with someone, someone is important for other reasons, but you need to be tolerant of people, no one is perfect. If she is not important to you, stop communicating, that’s all. If you don’t stop, this also means that this FIGHT that you are secretly waging with it is important to you. Important?..

Second: nasty things thrown at us are always unpleasant. It’s not that it bothers us or interferes with our lives, but it unknowingly spoils our mood. Any person. Even if someone snaps in transport, you seem to understand that this is HIS problem, but it still creates a little stress. And don’t believe psychologists who say that everything depends on us, we are the most important in our world, and if something hurts you, it means you have big problems. This is true, but still the world influences us whether we like it or not. Yes, there are things that are unpleasant and cause negative emotions. And that's just life :)

Third: if you are more angry than the situation requires, then it may be something else. With her inappropriate behavior, she seems to be gaining the upper hand over you. You are calm and polite, but she communicates as if from above, putting herself above herself, without having any serious reasons. She doesn't play by the rules, but she still wins. Do you know what I mean?

Tell her what you think. Behave aggressively and it may let you go. Enter into a real fight with her, and not meekly enduring insults. You can say what you think - that she is projecting fears, asserting herself that it’s great to be “mentally abnormal” - this makes it possible to live an interesting and fun life and communicate with interesting people, and not with fresh ones, etc. I gave all this as an example, otherwise you will think that I am teaching you bad things :)

It’s just important for you to defend yourself. Protect yourself. Do it for yourself - you have the right to do it!

If you want to chat - [email protected]

And you too - happy new year! Good luck, love and new opportunities!