Whom to choose from 2 men. I love two at once - how to choose between two men of one and only

"How to choose between the two?" I get questions like this very often.

Men write, choosing between a wife and a mistress (here I am always on the side of wives). Women write, choosing between husbands and lovers (here I am always on the side of husbands).

Guys who choose between two girls write. Write girls choosing between two guys. In general, many, many people write with the same problem.

Therefore, I decided to make a special note on this topic in order to describe in general terms the most working, in my experience, solution to the problem of choosing between two more or less potential partners.

Let's start with the bad news - such a choice is impossible to make. You can't choose who you love more or less. It is impossible not because I, Pavel Zygmantovich, the most categorical psychologist in the world, say so. It is impossible - because there is no such possibility.

First of all, the very word "choice" is not appropriate here. Any dictionary will give you several different definitions (the Small Academic Dictionary, for example, gave me six), and any of these definitions implies some kind of consciousness-awareness. For example, "sort by some attribute." For sorting, you need to keep in mind a certain list of features, which, again, requires a certain conscious effort.

But it is, of course, not only a matter of linguistics.

Our brains are simply not equipped to make choices about love (so to speak). The fact is that love (and especially falling in love) is accompanied by chemicals which reduce criticality.

A loving person (and especially a lover) is simply not capable of a sober reasoning in relation to a person he loves (and especially a lover). This is true for romantic love, parental love, child love, and all other loves, including love for the motherland (although here it is to the least extent).

In addition, the relationship itself is accompanied by hefty doses of dopamine. The thing is rich, but we are in this case interested in the fact that dopamine is involved in the learning system. He participates, pretty coarsening, so - it is developed during a positive experience and causes pleasure.

Relationships, as you understand, especially on initial stages almost always a positive experience. Almost always cause pleasure. There is almost always a release of dopamine.

In the future, a person seeks to repeat that positive experience, that is (in our case) meets again with the person who caused and created this positive experience.

You can even call it addiction - these are close states.

Finally, man evolved as a monogamous species. Yes, yes, no matter how strange and surprising it may seem, but we are a monogamous species, our whole organism is imprisoned for monogamy. Here is a funny and very striking fact in confirmation.

If a man has not seen his woman for about a month and enters into a relationship with her sexual intercourse, his sperm output is three times higher than usual. Moreover, if a man and his wife did not have sex for the same month, but he saw her every day for several hours, then such a sharp increase in sperm release does not occur. If our species were polygamous, then there would be no such jumps, because in a polygamous society (like a chimpanzee) they are unnecessary.

Let's summarize. Considering everything said above, it turns out that, for example, a girl trying to choose between two guys decides impossible task. Nothing in man is adapted to solve such a problem. Trying to make a choice in this case is like trying to take off with the power of thought. Which, alas, no one has yet succeeded.

And how to be here?

First, of course, it is better to prevent. That is, do not bring yourself to a state where you have to choose. Such a state does not arise overnight, and the aforementioned dopamine, with its fixation of positive experience, does not immediately gain a “critical mass”.

The general principle of prevention is simple - do not start a new relationship while the old relationship is alive. The end of old relationships is a very big topic. It cannot be crammed into this note even briefly, so I refer those who are interested to a special audio training. The link will be below.

Secondly, if you nevertheless got into trouble and found yourself in front of difficult choice of two people, then the only way to make this choice somehow, it is… to give up the choice.

And not only from choice, but also from contacts with these two people in general. Of course, this can not always be done, but the real way out here is to stop contacts.

And in general, all contacts, up to viewing photos and statuses in social networks. Perfect option- to leave for a month in a monastery and not communicate with anyone outside.

There is a chance (and not a small one) that the very problem of choice will disappear for this one. Simply put, a person will take someone and “fall out of love”. I won’t give a 100% guarantee, but from those known to me independent ways to decide the choice between the two, such a “month of silence” is the most effective.

Use it for whoever cares!

I have everything, thank you for your attention.

A few more posts on a similar topic:
The promised audio training on the end of a relationship -
Find out what -
Read what to do if -

This entry was posted in tagged , by the author.

How to choose between two..?: 128 comments

Vika
my situation, which took six months to resolve. the decision changes three times a day and it is not possible to understand oneself at all. I wanted to put life on pause and run away to some remote village. but in ordinary life it's unrealistic.
in the end, everything turned out by the opposite method. thoughts are in order. everything was shattered. but at what cost..
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  The monastery is one of the best solutions.
2. Anonymous
  Good evening! I have never rushed about from uncertainty, please, tell me at least some kind of action, some new angle of perception of the situation! We met with a guy for almost 3 years (he was the first in terms of sexuality, but in all plans ...) in the process we had a lot of scandals and diverged (once for 2 months, the rest times for a day / two). As a result, they “finally” broke up. I went to a psychologist, because it so happened that he undermined my self-esteem and desire to live, instilled fear of the future, and so on. A couple of months passed, I managed to “come to life”, I met another, our relationship quickly began to develop, and he seemed to have absorbed all the qualities that I lacked in the former. I was happy, but from time to time I was addicted to longing for the former, but there was less and less of her. And everything seems to be cool, but then the former appears. He says he understood everything. Calls for marriage. Achieves. At first I rejected it harshly, but he managed to break the wall with pressure. I'm starting to believe a little. I asked for a break from the second, explained that I had not yet departed from the previous serious relationship, I did not want to project the consequences of the breakup onto him. Now I'm tossing. The second guy is waiting. I'm ashamed. The ex solves all my problems and brainwashes little by little. I want to make a choice and be happy. Should you give your ex a chance? Is it possible that he changed in his 30s? Is there a possibility that the second guy will be waiting? And how to competently part with the second one for a while, in order to give time to the former, so that later, if he is also lonely, he would not mind trying with me again. So that he does not hate me and does not consider me a terrible person. But this is if I make a choice in favor of the former.
3. Maria
  By contradiction it as in this case?
Oksana
Thank you Pavel! Great note. Everything is very clearly laid out on the shelves 🙂
I remembered a joke in the subject. If you choose between two girls, choose the second one. If you loved the first, the second would not have appeared 🙂
I wish you success!
shelkoviza
Thank you
Anna
Pavel, thanks for the advice, it is very important for me. I want to clarify one point - how to purely technically convey to men the desire to pause? how to explain? especially when there serious intentions and feelings? Just disappear for a while without explanation will not work.
Maria
Pavel, but it seems to me that the measure “remove from sight for a month” is a bit harsh. I did that once. I barely survived this month, because I realized that I was strongly drawn to one of them. And after a month of "non-communication" I wanted to hug tightly and discuss everything that interesting happened during this time. The other of these two men was really rarely remembered. BUT!! Both of them did very well without me at that time, and they probably even forgot to think. Now here's one. Well, it was stupid to leave for a month.
Maria
Pavel, because the partner immediately decides that he is not needed (well, since he was abandoned for a whole month).
Anna
Pavel, I tried to use the advice yesterday. Just drive away and fall in modern world it’s very difficult, I had to say that I’m leaving and I need a pause in communication, a month of silence to think about what I want and so on .. However, with one I did this 2 weeks ago (I feel much less feelings for him, but he is good and objectively somewhat better, younger and more energetic than the second), I thought that I would fence off first one, he immediately asked to call me at least sometimes, and began to call, which became annoying, on the third call I still asked me leave for a month ... until he called ...

And yesterday morning she said the same thing to the second, hoping to sort herself out during this time ... He agreed: if it’s better for you, let it be so ... So by the time after dinner I already started thinking and missing him like that ... that I couldn’t imagine how I could stand it for a month .. And he apparently felt it and called, said that he, as a man, is responsible for me and it’s important for him just to at least know if everything is fine with me ... asked at least to inform how I arrived and so on ... as a result, we are less often, but we still continue to communicate ...
Moreover, I want to note that the first one is the same age, and it’s more like a partnership with him, we are on an equal footing, and with the second one he is 8 years older and there is more patronage, protection, care ... so I think which is better? Pavel, is there any information about partnership (when a man proposes, but waits for me to decide, we are on an equal footing, then he, then I decide together) and patronage in relationships (when a man is always more confident and stronger, and I’m not talking about despotism and dominance, namely when HE is a calm, kind leader)?
OlgaY
Paul,
I'd like to ask you a few questions, please.
1) You write that a person is not adapted to such a choice (“to solve such a problem”). But why, then, such situations arise quite often? Wouldn't evolution have to put "fences" on such "problems"? Or is it one of the selection methods? (Like: “but you don’t know how to choose and haven’t decided with whom you will breed, and therefore you won’t breed, loser”). Sorry, but judging by the text, it seemed that it would not be difficult to set a trap for "dopamines on more than one individual of the opposite sex at or near the same time."
Maybe such situations are still necessary for some reason? But then why?
2) And, excuse me, the question is “from the teapot”. What are the signs that the relationship is over, will not come back and you can build a new relationship?
3) Based on existing theories, practices, etc. etc., after that very “month of the monastery” (or maybe someone will need more, and even a year, etc.), is it worth starting a new relationship with one of those once chosen partners?

p/s. You write beautiful, useful, wise, albeit sometimes controversial texts, thank you.
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  1) You write that a person is not adapted to such a choice (“to solve such a problem”). But why, then, such situations arise quite often? Wouldn't evolution have to put "fences" on such "problems"? Or is it one of the selection methods? (Like: “but you don’t know how to choose and haven’t decided with whom you will breed, and therefore you won’t breed, loser”). Sorry, but judging by the text, it seemed that it would not be difficult to set a trap for "dopamines on more than one individual of the opposite sex at or near the same time."
  _Strictly speaking, such a trap is worth it. It is called phenylethylamine and is included in the period of acute love. Then it's really impossible to fall in love with anyone else. However, the production of this substance ends quickly enough, because it is too costly for the body. It is simply not profitable to put up neurohormonal defenses against betrayal and attraction to another partner in an evolutionary way - the period of pregnancy and feeding is too long for the body to withstand such a distance. So we got a compromise. On the one hand, our body is poorly adapted to choose between two partners (a kind of passive defense), on the other hand, we do not have active protection against betrayal (one of the types of voles has such protection and there males attack other females up to the kill). Answered?
  
  2) And, excuse me, the question is “from the teapot”. What are the signs that the relationship is over, will not come back and you can build a new relationship?
  _Absolute calmness in relation to a person - that he is, that he is not. We stumbled upon a photo on Vkontakte - nothing even twitched. Accidentally collided on the street, nothing fluttered. If so, then the relationship is over.
  
  3) Based on existing theories, practices, etc. etc., after that very “month of the monastery” (or maybe someone will need more, and even a year, etc.), is it worth starting a new relationship with one of those once chosen partners?
  _I'm not sure you can do it. For the “month of the monastery”, the relationship will not go away, but feelings for one will “fade away”, and for the other they will “strengthen”. The problem of choice will be solved by itself, and the relationship will simply need to be continued. You won't have to start over.
  
  Thanks to you too - it's nice to meet a person who asks such questions. interesting questions. Keep writing, Olga! 🙂
  1. Evgenia Prokopieva
    “_Absolute calmness in relation to a person - that he is, that he is not. We stumbled upon a photo on Vkontakte - nothing even twitched. Accidentally collided on the street, nothing fluttered. If so, then the relationship is over.
    
    Paul, this is a great choice. I vaguely remember how I met young man, whom she was very passionate about at the age of 25. I met - already in marriage, in best years. And yes, nothing or almost nothing stirred up in me. Unless there was awkwardness, and then - now I wouldn’t experience awkwardness (now - it’s becoming completely adult), and I could chat, and - look at the person open eyes, that is, to see the good that is in it, and not just the bad that clearly manifested itself at a certain moment.
    But - but! It seems to work when people don't see each other. And when they see each other - a child! - how to finally and irrevocably be distracted?
    If someone had told me at one time that I would not only experience not the best feelings for my husband, but also regret that we common child, then I would just twist my finger at my temple. But now, when my husband really offended me (probably remember my story), well, or, if I may say so, caused damage, it is unbearable to see him. Or you need to make a very big effort on yourself, or a quarrel - and then recover for a day or two. Here's how, in this situation, when you can’t see each other in any way, go to “absolute calmness in relation to a person - what he is, what he is not.”
    I’m already thinking, maybe if he just doesn’t come to us until the age of two, then we won’t do much harm? But I’m afraid that a) we will harm the child, b) in a year or two, the husband, who in the meantime will become the father of another child, will no longer particularly want to participate in the life of this ...
    What do you think?
Antonina
Pavel, tell me please. So my husband and I took a break. For me, it was simply unbearable. I realized that I have never loved anyone like this. He showed up 3 weeks later. He was looking for a reason to come, he visited me in the hospital for 3 days. In his eyes, I still see love for me. But he was afraid of this and disappeared again. Disappeared to try again to kill his feelings for me. On Monday we meet to finally dot the i's. I try to understand him, I try to hear him, but he avoids direct questions. After all, we used to understand each other with a half-gaze, but now we speak absolutely different languages. How can I explain this to him so that he does not kill feelings in his heart and believes in my feelings?
Vlad
At one time I really liked the idea expressed in the film “This means war”. Where a Woman says to a girl with a choice problem - "choose not the one who is better, but with whom you yourself become better." And I personally noticed in my life that with one woman you behave according to one scenario, and with another - in a different way. It is probably better to choose the one or the one with whom you will become better.
==
And off topic, dear Pavel, I would like to know your opinion about the now fairly well-known showman Pavel Rakov, who has already brought help to women to the rank of a television show. Have you watched his shows and what can you say about them?
Kateringo
And can you explain the example-argument with monkeys, which was cited as evidence of the natural monogamy of men?

I absolutely did not understand him. But I'm very interested in finding out!

Are there similar examples - arguments in favor of the natural monogamy of women?
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Yes, I don’t know what to explain here - it seems to be written in plain text. In men, the release of sperm is three times more if he has not seen his wife for a long time. Monkeys don't have that. What exactly is not clear? 🙂
Masha
Pavel, can you formulate any criterion by which during the period of the “monastery” it will be possible to understand that this is “your” person or “not yours”? After all, simply “strengthening” feelings can mean the need to fill the void in your soul, and not that it is “mine”
Masha
Your words, yes to God's ears, as they say. I'm just afraid that this attraction may be one-sided. Do not get bogged down in the illusion that this is "mine" just because I love.
Vladimir Yazykov
Pasha, I very much agree about the choice with such love. Moreover, I will add that cold head for a rational choice - good 🙂 However, you also said that 🙂
Anna
Pavel, hello!
And if I don’t communicate with one for about six months, we live in different countries, even on the Internet, I blocked everything, but I see another almost every day and build relationships, but my thoughts constantly return to the first? I care about how he lives, although I am in a relationship with another person and I am happy that I have such a wonderful boyfriend. Maybe she started a second relationship too early?
Lena
accept correct solution and a parapsychologist will help you make a choice once you work with your subconscious, you will always make quick and right decisions
Rina
Thank you, Pavel, I accidentally stumbled upon your article - you wrote everything correctly. We broke up with the former (we met for 2.5 years), I met a new guy with whom I had already begun to build relationships, and the former returned and is seeking me. He gives gifts (very expensive and not very expensive), constant signs of attention, surrounded by care. I know that he loves me. new guy does not experience such feelings, but little time has passed for the appearance of love (a month). Now I'm caught between two fires - I'm drawn to a new guy (especially sexually), but I'm more comfortable with the former. My ex really loves me (I feel it every day). I can't go anywhere - I'm tied to work. How to choose the best option for yourself - I do not know. I decide not with my heart, but with my mind
Maksim
Pavel, tell me what can be done in my situation. My girlfriend cannot choose between me and another guy. We met with her for 2.5 years, I cheated on her with my ex, she found out everything, I told everything and repented and promised that I would never have such garbage again in my life will, with the former immediately terminated all relations. The girl told her to think about whether she could accept me or not ... and then she had another boyfriend, but he was just a friend, but as I learned from her, she wants to start building relationships with him, but she doesn’t want to lose me either. And this situation of hers has been hanging in thought for 5 months now. She says porridge in her head and wants to see him, but they have nothing and we rarely see each other, but we still have everything and sex. Can I do something in this situation? Or just wait for her to decide? and it’s not yet known how long to wait ... I can’t tell her to go to the monastery, think for a month)) And I also promised her that I would wait for her decision as long as it takes, but I always keep my word, what it was not. Is my situation "stalemate"?
Lilith
good evening, I have such a problem ... as if in hell I feel like when I close my eyes and understand that my whole life depends on my choice, I'm afraid to make a mistake and choose the wrong guy because I myself am very strict family and my parents turn away from me, they already say that you love him, but he’s not a good husband for you. allows me to do everything together and enjoy life ... and the second is a serious kind one, how to say more broken ... I'm afraid that if I choose my favorite, as my mother says, he will play a little and bring you back himself. and the second is reliable, but how can I tell you with it ... I will be Fake ... yes, everything will be perfect, but passions and emotions will not be enough as with that (((tell me what to do, both propose to get married in the fall (((
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Good evening Lilith.
  
  It's impossible to predict ahead of time. But just know that passion passes and passes quickly.
Oksana
Pavel, hello! And this technique works in the case when the husband chooses between his wife and his mistress. Husband has been in a relationship for almost 3 years married woman, says that he loves her, but not me, but no matter how I drive him, he doesn’t leave, but she is waiting for him. My husband is leaving on a business trip for a month, and decided to take your advice. But, in this case, it is possible or not to say that the mistress has more chances, since the husband believes that he loves her (especially since the relationship is not yet three years old, and love, as you know, lives for 3 years. Thank you.
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Good afternoon, Oksana!
  
  And this technique works in the case when the husband chooses between his wife and his mistress.
  _Yes, but much worse, alas.
Oksana
And if I tell him, and it will help him.
Anonymously
Good afternoon, I would like to ask .. I meet a young man (we parted several times and got back together again), now we live together, 3 years ago big love, but we have matured and all the euphoria has flown away somewhere, but now the thought of the past person is haunted. sometimes I think that if there was a chance to start all over again.
And indeed there is such an opportunity, but then I got lost, how to be, where, what is happening in general - I can’t understand and figure it out at the same time I understand that I’m only making it worse ...
Alexander
Good afternoon Pavel. I would like to thank you in advance for all the work you have done.
I hope you can help me with advice.
A relationship began with a girl, met twice, after which she went abroad for a month. We seemed to be very close to each other, kept in touch until she was gone, corresponded almost 10 times a day, and looked forward to meeting again soon. When she arrived, the meeting was very warm and joyful. We saw each other for two weeks, everything was just perfect, I saw the sparkle in her eyes, we were already building general plans for the future, it seemed that we were just made for each other. But, after our first closeness, as the axis showed me, every day the attitude on her part became colder and colder, and after only one week she told me that she was not ready for a relationship, and in SMS. No clear reason was given. What can be, tell me?
Irina
Pavel, please tell me. My husband works most of the time in another city, he does not call me and my son with him. He comes mostly on weekends. I don't want to live apart, (honestly I tried, I can't, I miss you a lot). When I ask him to make up his mind and either leave me or move in, he says that it is difficult for him to choose between me and work (although I do not ask him to quit work). To say that he is very immersed in his projects (and this is true) and does not want to be distracted by us, although he loves his family. It suits him to live in two cities, me - no. What do you think, separation from me for a month will help him decide whether he will not leave his rival-work for this time?
Hello! I really need advice. After all, the "monastery" did not help me. Opportunities were such that it lasted not a month, but 2 weeks, but I never came to anything and, upon my return, again communicated with both. The situation lasts 1.5 years. About a year ago, one of them proposed to me (we dated for a long time), but I told him to wait. I thought for a long time because with him I feel safe, when I look at him I have the feeling that he is the dearest person, I feel tenderness. But I can't sleep with him. I don't like it or I'm just waiting for it to end. I even cry sometimes during it. Despite this, I applied with him. After all, he is really dear to me and he is an impeccable person.
And the second one, having learned about it, made me an offer.
I must admit that there is no rejection with him. It's not crazy passion, but when it happens everything works as it should. We are always on the same wavelength, we are very interested and comfortable with each other. He is more like my father. He is dear to me. But when I look at him, this avalanche of tenderness is gone. And there is no sense of security.
As a result, he is waiting for an answer from me today or he will leave the country.
The other side is also waiting for an answer.
Hello, please help, I have this problem.
I have been dating a young man for almost 5 years. All the trials were gone, at some point he became disgusting to me, we broke up, I started a relationship with another, after which he was very worried and constantly followed me, tried to be there, although he rejected it. he studied, passed on driving and worked, I crushed and threw tantrums about the unpaid attention, he left me during a difficult period (I was very sick and there were course projects, I didn’t sleep and worried, at that moment I realized how hard it was for him then).
At this moment of experience, I had a friend, but there was no contact, we were lying together, listening to music and I felt not carnal desires, I felt that we were kindred spirits. We understood each other so much. My young man returned and we are together again, everything seems to be fine, I was delighted. again, I remember him, about how we were just there, but again, if we consider him as a guy, he attracts. I just felt very good with him, we just hugged. I don’t understand why and what should I do and how to
, because once I already left a young man. And I'm afraid to lose Maxim and I'm also afraid to lose a young man. I'm confused.
Maria
Hello Pavel.
They started dating their young man 3 years ago, living as students in a hostel. Always felt calm around. After some time, he graduated and together we moved into the house that his parents bought him. That is, we have been living together for 2.5 years. During all this time, we did not have any conversations about some future, children, wedding. My attempts to talk about it ended in a joke or even at the beginning of a speech. He never satisfied me romantic surprises, when trying to ask to do something together (to go to the gym, to dance), he says that he is not interested. For the last six months, I began to notice that I don’t feel like a girl in a relationship, I don’t feel weak with my man, I don’t feel that I am completely happy. I realized that I was ready to devote all my time to a person in order to be with him, to help, even to the detriment of health, but I did not feel that he would do the same. Although he says that he is working, developing for me, for the sake of our future. It was all in me.
3 months ago, by the nature of my activity (dance teacher), I crossed paths with a young man. At our first fleeting meeting, I had a vivid feeling that he would play important role in my life (as it turned out later, he felt the same way). As a result, over time, our paths crossed and I became his teacher.
We began to communicate very closely, we had mutual sympathy, very strong affection. He found in me what he lacked so much in a relationship, and I felt weak, felt the attention and care of a man (he is very worried about me, always supports, shares my interests and hobbies).
We did not think that we would be so tightly connected. But I understand that he will not wait for me until I understand myself, in my current relationship. And I understand it.
I decided to part with the young man. I told him again everything that did not suit me (I did this for the last six months of the relationship, trying to change something). Was very heavy conversation, the outcome of which lasted for several days, because we still love each other. Then one morning he just put me in front of a choice - either I'm leaving, or we are trying to start over, and he will try to change his attitude towards me. I chose the second .. Now there is no trust on his part, it is very difficult in a relationship. With all this, we are left with strong communication with another guy, we constantly think about each other. And it's crazy. I'm afraid of the unknown.
After our unpleasant conversation about parting, after a while the young man admitted that he wanted to propose in a couple of months, to introduce him to his parents, whom he did not want to introduce. That he had very big plans for us, which he aspired to. Now he doesn't know what to do next. And all this information received has confused me even more.
An itching feeling inside at the thought of parting, and the same feeling at the thought that we will stay together. I can't figure myself out.

Will the "monastery" method help in this case?)
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Good afternoon Maria!
  
  Yes, the "monastery" should help. Also, don't think that you can't figure yourself out. Everything is beautifully painted, you have perfectly understood yourself. Why are you talking to yourself?
Maria
Hello Pavel!
I moved away from the two men for a while, did not keep in touch with them, but after a while one of them called himself.
At the same time, I realized that I miss two men equally, but I think more often about the second.
How to be in this situation?
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Good afternoon Maria!
  
  How to be in this situation?
  It's better to live "in a monastery". Soon you will stop missing one man (and continue to think about the second).
Maria
Understand. It's a pity that the second one is so impatient) And it's confusing. And the fact that he has feelings for him.
Pavel, thank you very much for your time and answers.
Nata
Hello Pavel! Thank you for your articles, they help me calm down and feel better.
Can you please tell me if it is possible how to do it in my situation? Sorry in advance if it's confusing.
We lived with a man for 8 years, broke up on my initiative (before that, he was in love with me and we were friends for a long time, about 6 years). I parted mainly because of my thoughts about the first "chemical" love for another guy (I also know him about the same, but we were not close, we talked and "buzzed" in our youth in one campaign). It turned out that he just showed up when parting with the first man, and now I have been living with him for 1.5 years. First time former man I got in touch and wanted to meet, found reasons, but I thought that I would build relationships with another and did not react, but I often noticed that I remember him and even feel sad and cry from time to time. Relations with the second man are much worse, they began to swear almost in the first months, everything was complicated by his significant problems in sex and drinking (now he hardly drinks, by our agreement). But here's another problem, the first man met a girl in the meantime, and after 3 months of dating he is going to marry her .. I found out about this, and for me it was a blow. Because he was against stamps and other government duties. In general, I also left him for reasons, as it seemed to me, of his some irresponsibility: his philosophy of life scared me (“you don’t even need to work, so that you have money, you should like your work, no one owes anything to anyone, I am who I am, accept me as I am, I will not be hypocritical”, etc.), and we could not agree (I also did not know how to adequately convey information, and also thought that the problem was just in my dislike for him). But now I can appreciate that it was not in vain that we lived for 8 years and it was very good, we liked it, it’s just that at the end of the relationship, questions about plans for building a family, mortgages and having children began to be discussed, a wedding was planned. All the years we lived, worked and traveled, got a cat (he gave it), did not care about stamps and children (this was my first relationship in general and his serious one).
Elena
Good afternoon, Pavel! Your article is a godsend for me! Your thesis - to leave for a month in a “monastery”, confirmed my inner desire to leave for a month (tickets have already been bought) from the choice between two guys, from the whole situation. However, nevertheless, I would like to hear your advice and a look at my story (did I think of everything for myself, did I make mistakes, and is there really a simple way out) ... The first guy is the first strong love, had a long-term relationship with him (almost 5 years), but I always had the feeling that I was “not loved”, there was not enough attention, care, emotional communication, recent years 2 I was the initiator in the development of relations, I often thought about parting (but at the same time he could occasionally show himself, his feelings, which, in addition to my love, stopped him from breaking up). We started living together, it lasted me for 3 months, his cold and so on, forced me to leave him (he begged in every possible way not to do this, promised to fix everything, swore in love - I no longer believed ...), despite the fact that I still loved a lot. The second guy is an old acquaintance, and communication began with him when everything was already going to part with the first. Communication was very easy, the feeling of one wave and worldview, I liked his character traits (kindness, responsiveness, activity, attentiveness). And yes, in order to forget and find the strength to get away from the first, to forget in the end, I began to communicate with the second .. Alas, now I know that it was a mistake to start building a new one so soon without letting go of the old .. Further, my expectations were not met, a month later, literally, I began to often remember the first, cried, suffered, there were thoughts like “what would happen if I gave a chance, love didn’t pass”, but convinced myself that I did everything right. When they started dating the second one (it turned out that we almost immediately began to live together, everything happened easily, and as I now know, according to the second’s cunning plan, so that I would not return to the first .. They were familiar), the first, of course, became adamant about resuming relations. And so it all lasted almost 10 months (thoughts, tears - a period of calm, and so on in a circle). Gradually, in addition to warmth, I was already imbued with feelings for the second one (it turns out that he sought my love throughout all the relationships), somewhere with pain remembering the first one (he periodically wrote or I called, in moments of “weakness”, and this was all accompanied by quarrels with the second, quarrels were only because of this). Then the first one offered to see each other, offered to talk and start a new relationship. But now I was held by the second and already a certain affection for him, and yet the fear of being with the first. And so it went on for another six months. And in one moment everything burst. When in Once again, after I blocked the first one (with tears), he asked his mother to just talk to me. And when at that moment, the second one began to call for marriage, I realized that until I talked to the first one, I couldn’t do anything further. Outcome. I have been living alone for almost 2 months at my own request, in order to understand a little about myself, feelings, to look at the truth of the feelings of the guys. But they both say and do almost the same thing. And he and he “loves a lot, can’t imagine life without me, won’t give it to anyone, will do everything for the sake of the future and make him happy, represent his family, and so on. ". Both show attention and care, as far as they can overcome the distance that I put. Both are getting married. Both are aware of each other's existence. The first said that he was then trying to let go, he thought that he could forget (in principle, as I tried), but no, he didn’t even start a new relationship in 1.5 years, even fleeting ones (and this is true) and confirmed that the separation was not for empty place, since he doubted then what exactly he needed and whether those relationships were needed, he says that he was a “fool”. And now I’ve already got into the second one, and I’m afraid that if I return to the first, then after a while everything that we broke up for -
will return. It complicates the fact that the first one is more successful in life (simulating life with him, there will be no problems in this regard), and with the second one it’s easy mentally, that is, in communication, and you can joke with him, cry to him, we understand each other very much, his family loved me and accepted me as their daughter, and he surrounds himself and his attention (sometimes even unnecessarily), and it was all the time in relations with him, but he is less successful and he has failures, which are strongly reflected in life ... I lost and confused. I can’t figure out if I love one of them, or both, or don’t love either at all. I don’t want to look for a third one, I don’t have any moral strength, and I doubt that I can fall in love and be with someone else, and I can’t let them go (the first and second ones) yet ... And there is a fear of a decision, because in my case it will be a painting (which means irrevocably and for sure), but I want to be sure that I didn’t make a mistake with the decision ... And now I want to leave for a month to another country (and the first one helps me in this, because he says that he wants to help, despite the fact that there will be a result (I won’t stay with him), because he loves, and understands that it’s hard for me now from this whole situation).
Thanks in advance for your reply!
walia
Hello Pavel. I have a similar situation - met with married man more than a year, then our relationship was interrupted because of his family, she is very dear to him, but continued friendly communication. Six months after the breakup, she began dating a married man, too. And as it turned out he was a friend of my first. And now that man divorced his wife and wants to start over with me, I also want to, because the feelings for him are strong (awe, tenderness, love), I don’t know what to do with his second friend. And should he tell about his friend, because he divorced precisely because of his wife's infidelity. And I broke off the relationship, because I wanted him to be happy in his family. Got confused a lot. There is no way to escape, because I work with him at the same job.

Good afternoon! Help me please ... The situation is as follows. I lived with a guy in civil marriage 7 years old. We traveled a lot and lived for yourself. The player in poker and all in loans. I was afraid to get a serious family with him. From the debts he was hiding in another city. We communicate on the phone every day he comes together for a week. But there is only one thing but ... we don’t sleep together for many years. I don’t want me ... I haven’t insisted ... I haven’t supported my economic and I don’t support me. I in difficult situations ... I will withdraw with him like a child. And I’m calling the problems of the former. It’s hard. It’s good at the limit. The part who is now afraid to start living together ... although I’ve been with him for a year. I can’t take indecision with me and insist on life with me. The problem is that my apartment. And I haven’t been moving to him, and he didn’t want to do it from her once because he had once because of her because of her. apartments and he has a complex. I hope I wrote clearly
Maria
Pavel, good afternoon!
Thank you for the article. I have such a situation, I lived with a young man for 2 years in a civil marriage, they parted on the basis of the fact that the person was completely unsure that I was the one with whom he would like to build a family, he was not sure of his feelings for me. Constantly rushing about, he wants it, he does not want it. I packed all my things and moved away from him.
For 4 months I have a new young man, he is very good, I like him very much and I feel good with him. But the former appeared with the words that he understood everything, that he wanted to be with me, build a family with me and love me. And it was like I was hit on the head with a butt. I do not know how to be. What to do in such a situation? Please tell me.
Kate
Hello. How to choose between two men, if one is far away (calls me to him in perspective), and the other is nearby. Both are nice to me. I made a mistake when I let both of them court me. At that time, there was no certainty about the first (which he knew about). He was unemployed (later I found him a mediocre job), did not strive for anything, communicated with " bad company". On this moment Everything has changed. The other is the exact opposite - reliable, accomplished, having goals in life. Both are pleasant in communication, good-looking. Both want to get married - but with the first one I will have to prompt, and maybe make decisions for him. And with the second I can be " weak woman". The first is more gentle and affectionate. The second one is more demanding, requires more of my attention. I do not have the opportunity to leave on my own or completely limit communication. The first guy knows the whole situation and is ready to wait for me (which makes me feel obligated, a traitor, but at the same time I appreciate it), the second one knows that I was with another guy at the time of our acquaintance and is waiting for me to come to him. Thank you
Dianka D
Good afternoon My situation. I met a couple of years with a man, he proposed to marry him. And just then, at work, I became very close to a colleague and we fell in love with each other (this is a couple of months of communication). I think about him all the time. At the same time, my current boyfriend is more dear to me, of course, we have already established relationships and we are comfortable with each other. And with this new one - the euphoria of feelings, attraction. The new one gave me a choice - to leave my current boyfriend and be with him. I couldn’t do it, I took the tactic of inaction - because this choice is impossible for me, the brain just swings in one direction then in the other, as you wrote in the article. And because I still don't know enough new things. The colleague merged, because I didn’t finish the old relationship ... But the craving remained on both sides, we walk and look at each other, periodically I try to write, I don’t give in to this desire. Perhaps if he hadn’t given an ultimatum, I would have continued to communicate with both of them, recognized him, and would have chosen him.
Svetlana
Pavel, is it considered to go on vacation with the children? Children will communicate with their father, probably to tell something. Will this affect the result or can I try this way?

Perhaps, it may seem to someone that interest in two guys at the same time is very cool, in fact, in this situation, the heart is torn into two parts. In such a situation, to reach again inner harmony, a choice must be made. If you are forced to choose between two guys, think about how each of them makes you feel and trust your intuition. If you want to understand how to choose between two guys with the least amount of heartbreak, this article is for you.

Steps

Guy's Choice

Rate positive traits both guys. The next time you meet, try to get the guy to talk and think about what you like best about him. It is not always possible to say exactly what exactly causes sympathy, but it is very important to analyze as much information as possible before making a decision. As you talk to each of the guys, ask yourself the following questions:
- Can he make you laugh? Does he have a good sense of humor? We are all drawn to people who can make us laugh. Guys with a great sense of humor delight us and make us look at the world differently. When he tickles you, do you like it or do you hate it? No guy is allowed to touch you in certain places without your consent. If he wants to hug you around the waist, take your hand, hug you tightly and kiss you, think about whether you are ready for this. Before you let him kiss you, learn how to do it. You don't want to put yourself in an awkward position. Your chosen one must also be able to restrain himself.
- Is he interested in other people? Does he care about anything other than himself? Guys who are only interested in themselves are often big bores. You will definitely want to date a guy who will have many friends, hobbies and his own view of the world.
- Is he emotional? Does he worry about other people? A lot of guys are pretty emotional, but they don't want anyone to know about it. If a guy is calm about the manifestation of his emotions, this means that he is a mature and confident person.
- Does he flirt nicely? You can formulate the question like this: does he like only your appearance or something more? Does he compliment only the body or something else?
- Is he in a hurry? Men who are not in a hurry, like to savor everything that happens. They strive to enjoy every moment spent with a girl. Guys who rush things will start dating next girl faster than you can figure out what happened.
Think about how both guys make you feel. This is no less important than what you like about each of them. Perhaps one has the perfect set of qualities and all the personality traits that you like, but the other makes your heart beat faster than just one. short SMS. Therefore, when you find yourself in the company of these men, think not about why you like them, but how you feel with them. Do you feel joy, self-confidence? Is your head spinning? Do you feel like you are getting better? Here's what to think about:
- What do you feel when he is around? Does he act like you're the only one around, or is he just flirting with a lot of girls, including you?
- Does he help you become better or is he content with what he has?
- Do you feel the need to develop?
- Does he give you subtle yet meaningful compliments?
- Do your cheeks flush in his presence? Is your head spinning? Do you feel like a little girl?
- Does he treat you like real lady? Do you feel special?
Think about the negative character traits of both guys. You may only think about positive qualities and whether you have butterflies in your stomach in their presence, but you also need to evaluate and negative qualities guys' personalities and aspects of their lifestyle that you don't like. If you are determined to make a choice, about cons just be sure to think about it. You should think about the following:
- Does the guy carry a lot of emotional weight behind him? Does he have a difficult past behind him? Of course, you can be good together, but are you ready to face his past all the time?
- Is he trying to manipulate or control you? Does he want everything to always be the way he needs it, and does he refuse to admit that he was wrong? If so, then all this can serve as signs of selfishness, and this will significantly complicate the relationship.
- Has he ever lied to you? You need a man whom you can trust, who will be frank with you, no matter how bitter the truth may be. Guys who like to talk about others behind their backs and spread gossip don't care much about others, which means it's best to stay away from them.
- Does he always find trouble on his head? Bad boys may seem attractive, but if they constantly get into trouble, they just won't have time for you.
- Does he talk about his ex girlfriend? If he regularly mentions his ex-lover, alludes to something or talks about it all the time, this should be taken as bad sign. This does not mean that the guy is bad - it's just that, most likely, he still loves her.
Think about how each of the guys feels about to you. If they are both ready for anything for you, the choice will not be easy. Of course, you shouldn't stay with the person who likes you better just to make sure you're right, but you need to think very hard about how important you are to each of the guys and what will happen if you stop dating them. If you think that one or the other guy will just shrug his shoulders and immediately find himself new girl, you should hardly continue a relationship with such a person. If it seems to you that one of the guys has deeper feelings for you, this should be a serious argument in choosing.
- Of course, you shouldn't ask a direct question. You can understand how a guy feels about you by the way he looks at you, how often he wants to spend time with you and talk about a future together.
- If you are only looking for a short term relationship or a holiday romance, then the prospects for relations can be ignored.
Ask for the opinions of close friends. Remember what friends are for: they will support you, advise you on how to behave, and help you when you need it. Listen to advice, but always evaluate it critically. decision to take to you. Remember that you shouldn't ask to pick the best of the two guys - ask for help figuring out who's the best match for you.
- Don't ask which guy your girlfriends like best. Ask who suits you best. The answers to this question will allow you to understand who it is better for you to date, and not with whom your girlfriends would like to date.
- Listen to what they answer. If you have already decided everything, there is no point in asking your friends for their advice. If you want someone to recommend something, be prepared to follow the recommendations.
Make a list of how these guys are similar and different. This will allow you to understand what you really want. What do you feel for each of the guys? Make a list of the qualities you want and don't want in a partner. Put the pros and cons against the traits of the guys and match them with your wish list. You can ask yourself the following questions:
- Which guy will treat you better?
- Who among them will be ready to be there in difficult times?
- Who do you have more in common with?
- Which one of them will you look forward to every day?
- Which of the guys can find mutual language with your friends and relatives?
- Who can you literally not live without?
Trust your intuition. It is not always possible to choose what we like. A person is born with a certain set of qualities, and as they grow up, everyone develops preferences. Don't think too much about the choice. Trust your intuition. Toss a coin in the air, decide that heads will mean one guy, and tails - the second. While the coin is in the air, think about which side you would like to see when it falls. This will be the answer.
- If you know for sure that one of the guys is not right for you, but you are still drawn to him (and you don’t really like the second guy), take a break from both guys. Being free isn't so bad. After all, it's much better than suffering in a relationship.
- Learn from your mistakes. If you dated someone and the relationship ended badly, don't repeat the same mistakes with the other person. Even if you really like it, why go through the same thing again?
Do not hurry. Don't think that you obliged make a decision right now - this process may take some time. During this time, guys can have time to do something good or bad, and this will make it easier to choose. If you haven't committed to any of the guys, and if you don't feel like you're cheating on the other by hanging out with one, you can take your time.
- Don't tighten everything too much for a long time. If you choose one guy, but he finds out that for many months you communicated with another in parallel, it will hurt and humiliate him greatly.
After the decision is made
1. Make a commitment to the guy you chose. Once you've made a decision, don't back down from it. This doesn't mean that you need to tell the other guy that you're in a new relationship because you'll hurt the person that way. Obligations are manifested in feelings and actions. Try to build a reliable and stable relationship with the guy you have chosen, and only with him.
  - Get ready to meet and chat only with the chosen guy. Enjoy the relationship with one person and do not think about what the other is doing.
  - If you feel empty inside without that second guy, it could mean that you made the wrong choice or that you never liked the person you chose to stay with - you only liked flirting.
  - Be friendly with the guy you left, but don't try to spend a lot of time with him or do anything together. If you are very nice to him, he will think that he still has a chance. In addition, this will lead to jealousy on the part of the guy with whom you decide to be together.
2. Be prepared for the consequences. The need to choose one of them will affect the relationship with both guys. You need to accept this as a fact: most likely, you will break the heart of the second guy and deprive yourself of the opportunity to build a relationship with him. If this guy does not know about the rival, you will not have to explain to him why you decided to end the relationship. You will certainly feel much calmer when the choice is made, but you will have to worry.
  - Remember that you can turn guys against each other. What if they best friends? What are you going to do? If you pick one and the other has feelings for you, chances are they won't be able to be friends anymore. If you want to avoid such a situation, it is better to find yourself someone else.
  - Know that you can lose your second boyfriend forever. He may refuse to be friends with you after a more romantic and intimate relationship. Perhaps it's for the best.
  - If you can't decide and you're not sure if you're making the right choice, try giving up. both guys. By trying to pick one, you're making things difficult for everyone and torturing yourself.
  - Think about how each of them relates to you. No, we are not talking about love, but about attitude. If one of them is only a little interested in you, and the other is going out of their way to take you for a walk in the park, keep that in mind. You hardly want to be left with nothing when it turns out that you have chosen a guy who did not have feelings for you at all. Just like you don't want to give up a relationship with someone who loves you madly, just because you can't let go of the first guy. And yes, if you really loved the first guy, you would hardly have started dating another at the same time.
  - You don't have to make a decision overnight. Best Solutions- informed decisions.
  - Love both? Choose the second one. If you truly loved the first, you would hardly fall in love with the second.
  - If guys ask you out on a date at the same time, go with the one you think about more or the one that really makes your head spin.

Someone will say - "to love two at once is promiscuity." And someone will say - "Great! Double portion of attention! And someone will even say that this is not love at all, since you are drawn to two sides at once. And only one in a thousand will understand how hard it is when the heart is torn from love at once for both men.

What to do? How to choose one of the only two of them?

Testing Yourself - 8 Methods for Choosing Between Two Guys or Men

If the heart does not want to be determined at all, and the spiritual weather vane is spinning like crazy, it makes sense to test yourself and make the task of such a serious choice easier.

We appreciate the positive qualities of each ...

Does he have a sense of humor? Can he cheer you up, and does he understand your jokes? A person with a sense of humor looks at the world in a completely different way and charges everyone around with his optimism.
What do you feel when he touches you? And is he able to restrain himself in the manifestation of feelings?
What are his interests in life? Is he a purposeful person with his own outlook on life or a bore who values his own comfort more than anything in life?
How does he act when someone needs help?? Is he in a hurry to help without hesitation, or is he pretending that this does not concern him?
What exactly attracts him to you(besides your appearance)?
How much time does he spend with you? Relishes every minute, stretches out the pleasure, hurries to you right away, as soon as you have a free “minute”? Or is he in a hurry on a date, constantly looking at his watch, leaving immediately "after ..."?
How often does he call you? Right before you arrive with a brutal “Baby, I’m coming over today”? Or, barely having time to go beyond the threshold, with a sigh - “baby, I already miss you” and almost every hour, just to find out how you are?
Does he flirt with other girls in your presence?
How does he treat children?

Assessing our own feelings...

How do you feel when she calls or sends a message?
Do you feel “at your place” and “at ease” next to him?
Does it make your heart beat faster with just the touch of your hand?
Can you imagine being with him in your old age?
Does he accept you for who you are?
Do you feel next to him that “wings open” and “you want to live to the fullest”?
Or are you next to him, like a shadow or a bird in a beautiful cage?
Do you feel like you are getting better around him?
Does it support your desires and aspirations in development?
Do you feel special, most loved and desired next to him?
Without which of them do you suffocate, as if you cut off the oxygen?

We evaluate the negative sides of both ...

Does he have bad habits that annoy you?
How jealous is he? It is bad if he is not completely jealous - either he is disingenuous, or he simply does not care. It is also bad if jealousy goes off scale, and every passer-by who briefly smiles at you runs the risk of getting in the nose. The golden mean here is the very thing.
Does he care what you wear and how you look? Of course, every man wants his woman to be the most stunning and beautiful, but mature man usually hides from prying eyes long legs his half and disapproves of short skirts, too bright makeup and other delights.
How heavy is the burden of the past behind him? And if "very heavy" - will it interfere with your relationship?
Does he try to control you? Or is he always looking for a compromise if a controversial issue arises?
Is he able to admit that he is wrong?
How often does he have outbursts of unreasonable aggression?
Is he able to take the first step towards reconciliation if you had a fight?
Did you notice lies behind him? How candid is he with you? How high is the level of trust between you?
Did he tell you about his past love? And in what tone? If he remembers the former too often, most likely, his feelings for her have not yet cooled down. If he remembers with "bad words" - it is worth considering. A real man never say bad things about former passion, even if she gave him "hell on earth."
If you get sick, does he run for medicine and sit by your bed? Or waits until you get better, occasionally sending SMS “Well, how are you doing”?

Appreciate the feelings of both ...

How deep are his feelings for you? Is he ready to connect his life with you forever or is your relationship superficial and based only on physical attraction?
What is he willing to sacrifice for you? Will he be able to rush after you if you suddenly decide to study / work in another city?
What might be his reaction if you decide to break up with him?“Come on, goodbye” or “What happened?”? Will he immediately disappear from your life or will he fight for you? Of course, you don’t need to ask - just try to imagine such a situation and its consequences.

Help the hall or call a friend

If you have a trusting relationship with parents share your problem with them. They will surely tell you how best to proceed, and express their opinion “from the height of the past years” about both candidates for your heart.

can talk and with friends but only if you trust them 100 percent.

And the decision, of course, is still up to you.

Making a list...

How are they similar to each other?
What are their differences?
What exactly do you feel for each (describe each feeling)?
What qualities do you like in them?
What qualities do you absolutely dislike?
Which one do you have more in common with?
Which one of them would you most like to wait for after work with a delicious dinner?
Which of them would you like to introduce to your parents and relatives? And how can parents perceive each?

Throwing a coin...

Let one be tails and the other heads. Throwing a coin, follow your thoughts - who exactly do you want to see on your palm?

Let's not rush...

Don't try to find a solution immediately. Give yourself (and them) some time. Take a break from both for at least a week - which one will you miss more? Just don't drag out this selection process for too long.

And if your relationship has not yet crossed that very border of intimacy, do not cross it. Make a choice before you realize that one of them has been cheated on.

The choice between the two guys is made - what's next?

If the decision is really made, it's time to part with one of them. No need to leave it "in reserve" - tear it right away. In the end, if she both dream of living with you until old age, then torturing both of you is simply unforgivable. Let go of the one you care less about.
You do not need to tell him when parting that you have a “different”. Do it as gently as possible. It is unlikely that he will be delighted with your confessions, but it is in your power to soften the blow. Try to make friends.
The feeling of emptiness from the loss of that second one is normal. It will pass. Relax and don't beat yourself up.
Thoughts like “what if I made a mistake?” also to the side. Build your relationships and enjoy life. Never regret anything. Life itself will put everything in its place.
Accept that some of you three will get hurt. It won't work otherwise.
If your conscience is tearing you apart from the inside, and a solution doesn’t come by any means, and they, among other things, are also best friends, then part with both. This way you will provide yourself with a very solid "time out" to sort out feelings, and will not become a wedge in their friendship.

And in general - listen to the heart! It doesn't lie.

What's in the article:

Love is the most wonderful feeling in a world that gives a feeling of happiness and self-confidence, fills life with additional meaning. But if a girl loves two guys at once, then such happiness can turn into problems that make you look for ways to choose between two men.

Choosing a guy: what to look for

Of course, you need to choose with your heart, but it’s better to think it over well before making a final decision, evaluate the qualities of each of them and your feelings for them.

Evaluate the benefits of each of the guys

Remember or at the next meeting to evaluate all the qualities of a young man that cause a girl positive emotions. Although it may not be possible to accurately determine this question, you should try to analyze more information about them and your feelings.

You can mentally draw up a plan for yourself, according to which you need to evaluate and include the following criteria:

Does he have a sense of humor and can he not only make you laugh, but also support in Hard time. What does he allow himself in a relationship: does he allow himself rude behavior, can he restrain himself.
Does he have friends and interests? Whether he is a sociable person or he is a bore who is only interested in his "I", he often does not share the opinions of others. In the second case, it will be very difficult to build relationships.
Does a girl like his ability to flirt? How often does he compliment and what exactly do they refer to? But here it is important to pay attention to his excessive passion for other ladies in the presence of his girlfriend.
Does he rush things? Psychologists say that you can only savor relationships with those guys who are not in a hurry and do not try to speed things up. Those who are trying to speed things up in a relationship often just switch girls like gloves.

An important part of this choice is emotional side. He manifests tender feelings only to one chosen girl or just flirting with her easily, while paying attention to other ladies? Does a feeling of self-confidence appear when meeting with him and a desire for self-improvement for his sake? Does he show to that one special attitude, does he make her feel like a little fragile girl in his presence.

You can make a conditional description of both men, decide how they are similar to each other and how they differ. Which man is closer to your liking and hobbies, and which one is boring? Who wants to cook right now? delicious dinner Or meet your parents?

What can be said about the negative qualities

Ideal people do not exist, but it is important to highlight in a timely manner those negative character traits of a guy that a girl cannot put up with. It is difficult to make a choice in such a situation, not only because there are two guys, but also because of love, which may prevent you from “seeing” the bad qualities of a young man. But this needs to be done.

Before choosing one of the two men, be sure to decide on the following criteria:

Can he make concessions or admit that he was wrong about something? Does he show signs of selfishness or attempts to manipulate his beloved?
Did the guy leave his former relationship And unpleasant situations in the past or does he constantly remember them and criticize them? You need to think about it, because with people who live only in the past, it can be very difficult.
How frank is he and has he ever allowed himself to lie? Starting a relationship with a lie, even if it was once, is not worth it. Most of these people cannot be relied upon or spoken to in the future. They will allow themselves to discuss their other half with a stranger.
Try to find the differences between a bad boy and a good one. The former always seem sweet, sociable, attractive. But they often look for adventures, they can disappear without warning for several days.
It is better to find out in advance whether the guy still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, whether he remembers her or everything that happened to them with a new passion. If this is the case, then it is better to postpone the relationship with such a guy, since there are high chances that he can return to her. But here it is important to delve into what he says about her.

You need to try to evaluate not only your feelings, but also take the place of men and imagine for yourself that each of them feels how dear a girl is to everyone. It is important to evaluate his view and how he spends time with the lady, whether he has plans for a joint future and how realistic they are. You need to take into account the feelings of the guy and your own towards him only if you plan to spend your whole life with him. If this is just flirting or a temporary romance, then you can not think about checking feelings.

If the question arose of which one to choose from two men, one should not put the feelings of one’s intuition into the background, since it is impossible to recognize a person 100% in a few weeks or months of communication. You can conduct fortune-telling on which one to choose from men by tossing a coin and deciding in advance on heads or tails, or trusting the prompts of your heart.

If a girl is unable to make a choice, she is drawn to both guys, she may need to take a break from them for a while. To do this, it is not at all necessary to leave them or tell them about it. Just do not meet for a few days, referring to employment or a business trip. Sometimes such a gap determines which of them is no longer enough. Both in choosing and in further relationships, there is no need to repeat the mistakes of the past. They should be a lesson for the girl.

If there is a desire to start really serious relationship, it is important to decide in a timely manner. The one who is chosen should not even guess that there was someone else besides him.

The guy is selected: what to do next

It would seem that the decision has been made, it remains only to enjoy romance and relationships, but in such situations it can be difficult morally. To avoid these difficulties, it is better to take into account a few simple tips:

Once the choice is finally made, you need to delicately part with the second guy. No need to leave it "for replacement" or "in reserve". So it will be excruciatingly painful for both the girl and the guy. Words need to be chosen in advance and it is not necessary to say that there were two guys and he “did not pass the casting”. It should be a soft parting. Perhaps after this it will turn out to remain friends.
There will be a lack of communication with the second guy, his absence. This must be taken as normal phenomenon that just needs to be experienced. To make it easier to do this, you can change jobs or get carried away with a new hobby in parallel with a new relationship.
The choice has been made, so there should not be any thoughts about whether it was a mistake. In order not to spoil new relationships, you need to think about them and how to build them correctly. You can listen to the opinion of friends who see this situation from the outside, but in any case, the choice is only with the girl, since her fate is being decided.

Sometimes it can be hard to decide in such a relationship, because you will constantly feel guilty. If there are no special feelings for any of them and it is impossible to choose between two beloved men, it is better to break off the relationship with two, since such uncertainty can drag on for years. Perhaps it is better to be alone for a while and only then start a relationship with a new person, but not to repeat the mistake so that you do not have to decide between two men again.

In her life, any girl meets a lot of guys who attract her with certain qualities, but how to choose between guys? What to do if you like two people equally strongly? They may be completely different nature or appearance. This is precisely the problem, because each of them lacks something from the other. Girls are looking for their ideal, or they collect it from several absolutely different people. But you still have to choose.

Chasing two hares. . .

So, unexpectedly, everyone can meet two wonderful guys at once. Both are madly in love, and it is impossible not to enjoy their company. Time is running, are common topics for conversations with them, and over time you realize that you are in love ... with both. In such a situation, girls are most often lost and do not know what to do. For obvious reasons, it's impossible to date both. And you need to answer the question of how to choose a guy from two as soon as possible. Otherwise, you can get even more confused and lose both. But this choice is very difficult. Days, weeks, and maybe months go by, but the solution is still not found. Do not try to avoid thinking about this topic. The problem will not go away by being ignored.

Therefore, the first thing to do is to compare the characters of the two guys and identify their weak and strengths. (You can write out for clarity on a sheet). But remember that this is not a choice of the one who scored more "pluses", but an attempt to determine which qualities are lacking in the first chosen one, and which ones in the second. Yes, this is not a mistake. After all, a girl cannot choose one guy out of two, as a rule, because one attracts her with a cheerful and explosive character. It is with him that you can go to clubs, spend time on extreme recreation, and just have fun with him and his friends. Here it is worth paying attention to the fact that sooner or later girls get bored club look life, most likely she will want peace and warmth. And no one guarantees that the guy will support his girlfriend in this, and will also be able to give up friends and entertainment, clubs and so on, even if only for a while.

But the second, on the contrary, is a very calm and sweet guy, with whom you can watch movies together, wrapped in a blanket, or read books and listen to music. It is always warm and cozy with him, and the girl also likes it, because it arises special feeling security. But due to various circumstances, it is still impossible to refuse any particular pastime. What then to do?

For starters, do not delay the solution of the problem. Until they decide to sit down and think it over, they can find out about each other, and get into a rather awkward situation.

It is extremely important to listen to yourself, and not to forgive help from relatives, girlfriends or people completely unfamiliar to you. No matter how much pressure they exert, don't listen. Each person has his own life and his own choice. This is not a choice of sweets for tea, but a choice of the future. If you suddenly realize that you have chosen the wrong guy, you will not be able to blame anyone but yourself. Therefore, it is better to be vigilant! Even without knowing how to choose a guy from two!

Answers within you

In order to answer the question of how to choose between two guys, you should also understand yourself. Perhaps now entertainment and new acquaintances are much more important, or vice versa, there is not enough calmness. But you need to clearly understand what will become more important in the future? Which of them will be able to be next to each other in tens of years?

To answer these questions, you should analyze all past meetings. After all, how I would like to believe that one love is enough for ideal relationship. . . However, the facts show that the chosen one should become, first of all, a friend, and only then a partner in romantic relationship. He must respect his girlfriend as a person. You should choose someone who is attentive, proactive and caring. It is in such relationships that it is possible to feel liberated, not embarrassed to talk about secrets and grievances. It will be an excellent basis for strong and trusting relationship in any pair.

In general, when choosing, you should be guided not only by their characters, but also by the similarity or difference in hobbies. Similarities, of course, are good, but does a girl want to learn something new, discover new facets of the world? Here it is worth considering that the guy should adequately relate to the partner's hobbies, without trying to convince her.

Another important point is the seriousness of his intentions. Have they introduced them to their friends, do they plan to introduce them to their parents? And who calls more often for no reason, just to find out how you are doing, give gifts and other little things? Everything is worth considering. After all, their attitude at the beginning of a relationship allows you to understand whether they are determined, or for them it's just a hobby.

If all the above recommendations did not lead to anything, you can try another pretty radical way. Terminate relations with both of the chosen ones. This alone time can be very helpful in assessing the situation from the outside. In a way, it allows you to descend from heaven to earth. No extraneous impressions will interfere, but with time will come knowing who you miss the most. And the realization of how to choose a guy from two will come by itself.

Interestingly, there is one belief among the people. It lies in the fact that outwardly similar to each other more often form strong pairs. But pairs of people of opposite appearance break up much faster. How to choose a guy from two is not a task for some girls. They will choose the most similar person to them!

How to choose between two guys - question extremely complex. Not only the present, but also the future depends on this choice. Therefore, you should not ignore the problem, but solve it as soon as possible, preferably without outside interference. Think about who you feel most comfortable with, who can make you laugh at difficult situation? Who is more serious? Or maybe you don’t need to analyze anything, but just look into yourself? And maybe then the heart itself will prompt the answer. . ?