How to determine the intentions of a guy. How can you understand the seriousness of a man’s intentions at the very beginning of your relationship: the surest signs

Hi friend!

I want to answer your question, but this is a long conversation, so I decided to write. I know that when you start to actively communicate with guys, there are always a lot of questions. Of course, you want to know how to understand the intentions nice guy in relation to you, whether it is worth dating him, whether he is serious, or just wants to have some fun. Let's start.

So here are a couple of tips for understanding what a guy is really into. serious relationship.
For example, your classmate (or just an acquaintance) constantly teases you. It may well be that he simply cannot figure out how else to turn on himself. your attention. It's like at school when they pull pigtails. Look at him, maybe he's not quite as stupid as you think.

Many actions speak for themselves, you just need to understand them correctly:

If he often calls you with or without reason, if he constantly likes your photos, this is good sign. Even if you perceive his comment on your unsuccessful photo as a mockery, this may mean that he really does not see your shortcomings.
If he is angry when you pay attention not to him, but to another, then this can also be attributed to signs of his passion for you and unwillingness to share you with anyone.
in love and a serious guy will always be interested in your affairs, offer help with advice or deed, and not brush it off.
He also seeks to be alone with you longer, asks, he is interested in everything about you, even something about childhood.
If he remembers well what you talked about at the last meeting, if he doesn’t forget what you told him about last time, then you are definitely not indifferent to him.
If he always tries to cheer you up and often jokes, this is also a good sign.
As a rule, guys are afraid of meeting their parents, and if he doesn’t mind, then that’s great.

To understand if your boyfriend likes you or he uses you - look. It indicates typical signs and it will be easier for you to determine his attitude towards you.

Other positive signs Serious relationships:

He also tries to introduce you to his family, and he wants them to like you too.
He also remembers a lot about you, even about some nonsense, and he will never give you lilies and chocolate if you like daisies and marshmallows.

Be careful when a guy talks a lot and beautifully about his love and promises the moon from the sky, such lovers of hanging noodles on the girl's ears most often just want to have fun.

If a guy takes you seriously, then it will be difficult for him. Sometimes he can even talk real nonsense or be silent, this is simply because he does not know how to behave with you and is worried.

In addition to words, you can understand a lot from his behavior, from his movements. For example, gestures are very eloquent. You need to learn to pay close attention to what and how he does. If he straightens his hair, straightens his shoulders, turns the toes of his shoes in your direction, tries to touch your hand or sit closer, then he is definitely not indifferent to you.

You can even determine the guy’s attitude by hugs:

If he hugs you from the back, then this indicates a desire to protect and protect you.
If the hug is strong, then he either has strong feelings, or is set to have sex.
If a guy likes to pull his waist, then such a guy is gentle and romantic by nature, but keep in mind, he can be changeable, like the May wind.

But if a man immediately pulls his hands to your ass, then he has no other intentions than intimate ones. Such guys are most often womanizers, and they hug to demonstrate to others that you are his prey.

If you are really important to him, then he will look at the face, and not stare at the chest and body. He has enough serious feelings, if he tries to support, give a hand, put on his jacket, if it's cool, carefully hugs his shoulders or waist, and does not lower his hands below his back.

You can also determine the seriousness of a guy by his attitude to intimacy:

If a guy really loves, he will never insist on intimacy.
If he is set for a long-term relationship, he will wait until you are ready.

But, if he immediately begins to hint at sex, to convince that there is no relationship without it, to insist, then there can be no question of seriousness.

So if you want to know if your boyfriend is serious about you, don't agree to sleep with him right away. No guy has died without sex yet, wait and check his feelings.

It is written about how a man will like it in bed.

Do you want to know if the guy is real? You can, of course, directly ask him about the seriousness of feelings, but here it’s quite possible to hear a lie, what kind of idiot will honestly answer, “I need you just for sex”?

The ideal test is to carefully watch what he does for you. It's real, it's the only one the right way how to check your boyfriend for the seriousness of your relationship.

If he:

does nothing
doesn't change for you
does not try to spend as much time with you as possible,
don't care
doesn't help at all
shrugging off requests
mocks your desires
doesn't want to talk about himself...

it's bad, drop it.

You can also temporarily "disappear" to test it. If he will look for you, find out what happened, call you, then he is really in love. And if he does not notice your absence, and will not do anything, then you are not particularly interesting to him.

Well, let's say you dated for a while and broke up, and the guy is behaving incomprehensibly. At first he decided to leave, but still:

keeps calling you
constantly catches the eye
asks your mutual friends about you.

This may indicate his desire to return, or he behaves like "a dog in the manger - and he himself is not am, and I will not give it to another." We need to put all the facts together.

If at the same time he constantly likes you and, then he definitely regrets the breakup.
If his page does not have pictures of him new girl, or their joint photo, and your common pictures are still hanging, then this is a sure sign that he is ready to renew your relationship.
If his status is something like “my life is empty without her”, or if he constantly comes up with reasons to talk to you on the phone, then he probably wants to return.

From all these facts it can be clearly seen that ex-boyfriend wants to reconnect.

Conclusion - in order to accurately understand the intentions of your boyfriend towards you, just be careful, do not believe everything he says, but look at how he treats you and what he does for you. It is most important.

All bright and unforgettable feelings!

How to understand the intentions of a man when he meets a woman who reciprocates his feelings? It seems to be clear why a man meets a woman. Because he liked her. But what are his plans for the future? Who is he looking for for himself: a fish for fun or goldfish?

If he's looking for a one night stand

To understand the intentions of a man, you need to pay attention to his behavior. As a rule, these guys do not hide true reason his desire to meet a woman. If he is looking for a fish for fun, then he:

just chatting, making fun, letting off greasy jokes and trying to talk in a vulgar manner;
scoffs at your adherence to principles, dismisses your demands, remarks and standards;
taking your phone number does not call during the day;
on a date, pays only for himself, can pay for dinner, but will give a hint that the evening will continue today according to the principle “who pays, he orders the music”;
often late for dates, and may not even apologize for being late;
does not introduce him to friends and relatives, and is not going to do this;
in every possible way avoids the opportunity to meet your friends and relatives;
he does not need children and he avoids these questions in every possible way;
not ready to spend money on you either materially or spiritually;
not against the fact that you can date other men, even if they are friends.

Here is the opinion of an expert in the field of relations Anastasia Gibskaya:

You can understand the intentions of a man, but are they suitable for a woman who is determined to look for a serious relationship? If you really like such a man, but you do not want to be a fish for fun, and make an attempt to remake him, know that the result is unlikely to be positive. You cannot force him to change his attitude towards you.

If a man has serious intentions

When a man is looking for HER - a goldfish, then his feelings are serious:

genuinely interested in your life, work, problems and needs;
respects your principles, rules and standards;
receiving your phone number on the same evening calls;
comes to a date with flowers, pays in transport, restaurant, takes care of you;
never late for dates and willing to wait when you are late for a date;
he introduces his friends and relatives, introducing you as his girlfriend;
comes to your family celebrations, ;
will always come with a gift for children to your house and it will be easy to communicate with them;
by his actions he shows that he is able to provide and protect the future family;
insists on an exclusive relationship with him, and wants to meet only with you.

Here male point perspective on the problem:

The man does not hide serious intentions. By his behavior, he makes it clear to the woman what he wants. Having met such a man, is it much easier for a woman to make a decision to marry such a man or not? You agree with me?

How can you understand the seriousness of a man’s intentions at the very beginning of your relationship: the most sure signs was last modified: May 11th, 2017 by Zzavtra

Women are so sensitive, so fond of dreaming about a wonderful future, that it is not surprising when their desire to love and be loved makes them see a potential partner in a man who just made a compliment. What can we say, when the representative of the stronger sex begins to care, while not planning anything serious. So that a rich imagination does not play a cruel joke and does not make you believe in something that is not there, you always need to think about what intentions the man who has shown interest is pursuing.

How to know a man's intentions

A woman's desire to meet herself best man often makes her endow anyone who has shown interest in her with those qualities and intentions that he does not have, not noticing in his behavior and words signs that he does not plan to have anything serious with her, and indeed behaves ill-mannered and indifferent. Then, when she realizes that she was wrong, she has to spend time regaining faith in herself, instead of finding a meeting with someone who will make her happy.

And sometimes it's easy to miss wonderful man because of some wrong conclusions and hastily decisions taken. It's no secret that sometimes people break up because of some misunderstanding, stupidity, resentment that arose on empty place. Therefore, it is so important to feel what is hidden behind his words, behavior, attitudes, deeds, so as not to suffer, not to be disappointed and not to decide that you are not worthy of love and respect from the opposite sex and not put an end to yourself as a woman because of a meeting with an unworthy member of the opposite sex.

To understand a person, you do not need to rush to conclusions. It is better to be patient and wait until he relaxes and shows his true attitude. If the relationship has been going on long time, but he still doesn’t introduce you to his parents, it’s worth considering if it’s time to start worrying and worrying. For the one who has serious intentions, be sure to introduce the chosen one to relatives. When this does not happen, it's time to evaluate what you can count on in the future: parting when he meets another or starting a family.

You are afraid to spoil the relationship, hoping that he will not deceive or offend you, although you continue to worry, think about how to find out about his intentions without offending him. After all, if you are worried, it means that you are afraid of wasting time on someone who does not suit you, someone who decided to just use you.

In addition, if these are long-term relationships that for some reason do not end in marriage, they can lead to pregnancy, to which the one who is not going to propose and does not seem to experience strong feelings, not ready. And after the news of this, he can very quickly disappear from your life, despite how many years you spent together and what he promised you, leaving one with a child in her arms. Or, even worse, forcing you to have an abortion without thinking about the consequences of such a decision for you.

If you do not want to take risks, do not forget about contraception until you are sure and you know that he is ready to marry you, and he is ready for the appearance of a baby in your life. It is impossible to tie a man to a child who does not want to be with you. He will leave, and the child with this injury will live all his life.

Women who have realized their responsibility to future children are able to save themselves from hasty actions and mistakes that they could make by deciding that you can get a marriage proposal from a man through pregnancy.

If you want to test him and marry him, you don't need to get pregnant on purpose, it's better to say that you think you are pregnant and look at his reaction. It is better than any words to answer the question of whether he will soon make an offer. He will be happy and invite him to the registry office, say that you made a mistake, but since he does not mind, invite him to formalize your union and give birth to a child in legal marriage. And if he throws a tantrum, a quarrel, a scandal, think about whether he wants to be an eternal “child”, whom you are obliged to take care of, so that only he will feel good and whether you need someone who is ready to sit on his neck, and not become reliable shoulder and support.

If he asks you for money, talks about some projects that he wants to implement, but he does not have enough funds, think about why he does not have them, and he asks you for them. How is he going to create a family, provide for it, if now he is not able to earn money, and even more so, he considers it right for himself to take them from a woman who is much more difficult to earn them in modern world despite changes in women's rights. Remember how many times you gave him money, how many times you paid for yourself, did he ever spend money on you? And do not be ashamed of this, considering that it makes you mercantile. Doesn't. If you want to understand what a man’s intentions are towards you, pay attention to whether he spends money on you, whether he has it and whether he earns it.

Photo: how to understand the intentions of a man

You live with this man, and if he turns out to be a gigolo, a lazy person, an unrecognized genius, who will feed future children, pay common bills, decide housing problem?! It is unlikely that someone who wants to put it on your fragile shoulders is suitable for you.

There are exceptions in this matter, when a woman is focused on a career, creating and developing a business, and her husband is sitting at home, doing homework and kids while she's busy, but that's understandable when you move in together. After all, while there are no children, he still has to work somewhere, otherwise he will not survive. And since he does not do this and asks for money from you, he is unlikely to earn even after the wedding.

How to understand a man's intentions

Him frivolous intentions if he does not talk about your future together. Avoids talking about it. Nervous if you start talking about future children, some plans, big purchases. And in a conversation does not use "we" when it comes to the future.
When he is serious, he will always support such conversations and even start them himself to find out your plans, whether he is included in them.
He will not dismiss you, but will always listen, no matter how chaotically and for a long time you tell, because you and everything that happens to you are important to him. He is always ready to protect the woman he has chosen as his life partner from any adversity, but how will he do it if he does not know what kind of problems she has, what worries her, what she worries about.
If he prefers to go out with friends instead of talking to you, never inviting you to get to know them, and even more so to relatives, he is not interested in long-term relationships. Unfortunately, he is satisfied with the current state of affairs, and he does not intend to change anything. As soon as he meets a woman he loves, he will leave.

A man who is in love and intends to create a strong couple, be sure to introduce his girlfriend and friends, and colleagues, and relatives, and parents, as soon as possible. And it will indicate that she is not a colleague or acquaintance, but his girlfriend or bride. So he will show all the representatives of the stronger sex that the girl is busy.
One who intends to be with a woman long years together, will do everything to make her comfortable with him, though in the way he understands it himself. The man may not speak. beautiful words, sing serenades, but all his actions indicate that he cares about his beloved, thinks about her and tries to make her life easier.
He who is indifferent to a woman, even when he lives with her for a long time, will not talk about feelings. He does not see the point in this, he already gets everything he needs, and at the same time considers himself free. But he will easily promise that everything will be fine, that they will definitely get married when she asks about it. It is often easier to talk about feelings when they are not there, but you want to convince the fair sex that they are and get what you want from her. Therefore, pay more attention to deeds, not words. Many men express their love not with the help of beautiful words, but by the fact that they are ready to tie the knot with their beloved without hints and requests.

Photo: how to understand the intentions of a man

Do not be upset if your expectations were not met, be glad that you found out about it now, but without losing too much time and energy, waiting for him to make an offer or confess his love. Remember that when you meet that man whose intentions towards you will be the most serious and pure, you will feel it, and you will not need to analyze, think or imagine anything. You will understand without special efforts. Listen to your heart and mind, together they will not let anyone deceive you.

August 11, 2015

There is an opinion that a woman did not take place in life if she could not get married and give birth to children. Indeed, the truth is that not everyone finds their other half, many remain single all their lives.

Answer the question "Why is this happening?" It's hard enough. The most common situation is that a man shows attentiveness, beautifully looks after a woman, they start an affair. But as soon as there is a hint of marriage, the potential betrothed decides to end the relationship, while their duration does not matter, whether it be a couple of months or several years.

Women have been trying to unravel the causes of the “fear syndrome” in men before legal marriage for many years. But do not exaggerate the excessive male mystery. Representatives of the stronger sex are prosaic and very transparent in their desires. Many of them also want to get married, but the difference with the desires of women is obvious: at least a man needs more time to reach the stage in a relationship when he wants more.
To avoid self-deception and at least shake the female faith in miracles, consider the five basic laws of male behavior:

Create your own rules in a relationship with a man and talk about your intentions.

Most likely, a young man will not refuse to follow the rules in a relationship if he finds out that they exist and what exactly they are. How often does it work out? Two young people begin to build relationships on the principle of "Let's go with the flow, let's see what happens in the end." After a while, the woman begins to think about complete family, and to see your boyfriend as a husband, and even summer is on the nose, than not perfect time for solemn wedding? But the difference is that the man does not even think about the plans of his beloved.

This happens when each of the couple did not initially indicate the ultimate goal of their intentions. Maybe the man even started a relationship for regular sex, delicious homemade food and care from the weaker sex.

Naturally, no one says that serious conversation should start on the first date. With cries of "Marry me," a woman would rather bring her potential life partner to a heart attack than get wedding ring. But after some time of relationship, in a very delicate and unobtrusive manner, it is worth indicating your intentions.

For example, in general conversation casually add one of the phrases: “For me, the family is the most sacred. Would love to have loving husband and two kids”, “I am an opponent civil marriages. If people love each other, then they don’t need to check”, “For example, I would not want to date a guy who is not serious about me, fleeting intrigues are of little interest to me”, “Open relationships are not for me, I serious man" etc.

There can be many options for phrases, everyone chooses the one that best suits his life situation.

If a young man is serious about a girl, then at least the relationship will not change, and as a maximum, it is worth waiting for further serious steps. If everything was started as temporary entertainment, then after such confessions, most likely, the relationship will end.

A man in love is able to declare his feelings to the whole world.

If we are not talking about first dates, but already about more or less long term relationship, then acquaintance with parents, friends and relatives should not frighten a man. If he comes up with excuses why he can’t introduce you to his loved ones, then most likely you are a temporary option, and he just needs you to satisfy his own needs.
loving man, who has serious plans for a girl, will show her to her friends, colleagues and even parents without hesitation. Here it is worth considering that the opinion of loved ones plays an important role for a man. Because positive impression from acquaintance will favorably affect further relationships.

A man in love will protect, provide and take care.

Sometimes such a trifle as helping to carry a heavy bag will say a lot more about feelings than anything. love cards peace. Moreover, on romantic deeds and even words are not capable of every guy. But if someone offends his woman, the man is able to protect her from all existing threats and troubles.

For someone who sincerely loves, it is important that the beloved is happy, protected, healthy and well-fed. If a man sees his beloved as the mother of his future children, he is able to do the impossible, surround him with care and all the benefits, this is at the level of instincts.

A decent man will be honest about his intentions.

In practice, the representatives of the stronger sex are simple, and this simplicity makes them very beautiful. Even in kindergarten the boys pull the pigtail of the girl they like, and seem to want to offend her, but all from deep feelings. A few minutes later, the offender gives out - "I'll grow up and marry you!" One way or another, but with age, men in this respect change little. A good man is one who does not want to fool a girl in vain.

Many happily married women recall that the husband, already at the first meetings, announced his readiness to marry. Although most often it is said as a joke, but, as they say, in every joke ...

No wonder they say that you feel “your” person right away, such marriages are often long-lasting and full of happiness.

In general, if the words “wedding”, “children”, “family” begin to slip in your man’s speech, then you can confidently declare the seriousness of his intentions.

If he does not want to marry, then he does not love.

If you truly love, you are afraid to lose. There is even an anecdote on the topic:

“If you look at a girl for a long time, you can see how she gets married.”

Constantly postponing the wedding for later can end in parting, because there will always be an attentive and sensitive friend nearby, who Hard time lend his shoulder to your girlfriend. Therefore, it is not worth the time with the registration of marriage for a long time.
The best manifestation of your love and seriousness of intentions will be an engagement ring and a trip to the registry office, after which the wife will bear her husband's surname and equip the family nest.

So why has the formalization of relationships become a problem in today's world? One of the reasons may be the following. There was love, but the girl chose another, and in order to forget her beloved, the man began dating another. But she did not become as beloved and desired as before.

For many men, the needs remain at the level of reflexes, they need homemade food, regular sex and full care. As long as the young man receives all of the above without unnecessary demands, he will be next to his companion. If she begins to hint at marriage, then the man remembers that the feelings are not so strong, the food is not so tasty, and somehow there are no common children in the plans for the future. Discarding emotions, it is worth recognizing that a man who does not demonstrate obvious signs love, is next to such a girl only because he did not find someone more suitable for himself.

At the first opportunity, he will leave the girl, finding her more worthy alternative. The moral is, it makes no sense to waste your young years on a person with whom your life principles and plans do not coincide. You need to learn how to easily say goodbye to such people so that the one who truly loves can come and be there at the right time and for the rest of his life.

Posted on by in, c

Question to the psychologist:

I communicate with a man, I'm not sure that he takes me seriously. But he often talks about the future, which always has me.

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

It is really not easy to understand the seriousness of a man's intentions in a relationship with a woman, and your difficulties are quite understandable and natural.

The principle by which it is worth evaluating the attitude of a man towards you is the following: ask yourself two very simple questions: "What did he do for me?" And What problems did he help me solve? Write down on paper what was done by the man for you, when, and to what extent assistance was provided. Show this paper to several people and listen to how they appreciate the amount of effort, time and feelings that a man has invested in a relationship with you.

Are we talking about some too mercantile things? The fact is that most women are too gullible and beautiful-hearted. They are shy (you can read about this in the first part) and that is why they cannot soberly assess the essence and intentions of a man. Plus, feelings get in the way. But how your life will go is a big responsibility. Therefore, we suggest that you take a piece of paper, a pen and a calculator in your hands and go through the following points:

Big words or real actions?

If a man did nothing for you, but simply said something (for example, how extraordinary you are or what a wonderful mother and wife you will turn out to be) - this is not serious. The statements are also not serious: "Honey, I want to build a family with you" or "Do you want to marry?" By the way, these are the two most common ways of manipulating a woman by dishonorable men - to reassure her with words and then use her sexually and quit.

Motivation

Further, if a man has done something for you, you need to understand motivation for his actions. For example, he bought you an expensive gift. Ask yourself the question: did he do it from the heart or decided to “buy” you. Some men treat a woman like a commodity that is bought for a gift or money, and then consider her their toy or property. Women in this situation often think that they have found love and a serious relationship, not realizing that respect by a man when a woman loses financial independence will not be. Sometimes a man makes gifts in order, on the contrary, to part with you without offense on your part, and you may not immediately understand this. That is, look for the real reason for his actions - analyze the motivation of a man.

Think about what you get in a relationship and what a man can potentially get in a relationship with you. Perhaps you occupy an excellent position, you are outwardly beautiful and it is prestigious to show you among his friends in order to raise your rating in your environment. Perhaps you have relatives with money and positions that can help him make a career and his real goal is not you. Perhaps you are a wonderful hostess with a complaisant character and you can be persuaded to serve him and spend most of the day trying to please him outwardly and please him with lunch and dinner. There may be many options here. That is, when analyzing the motivation of a man, always think about the rule of reciprocity: what you get and what the man gets. If you find it difficult to analyze this on your own, do not hesitate to seek advice from a good psychologist on this topic.

Suppose that a man solved your problems, helped you not only inspire words, but also actions, and this period when a man invested in you wasless than two years. During this period, it is important for you to assess personality defects andnegative personality traitsmen, to assess whether he is a socially adapted psychopath, whose words and explanations of his actions cannot be trusted at all. Yes, socially adapted psychopaths are not at all the men from the news who run around with an ax (that is, not sociopaths). These are people who are completely adapted to life, from birth deprived of all kinds of moral character . We are currently writing a series of articles in order to understand how to distinguish a socially adapted psychopath from a socially unadapted psychopath (sociopath) and from a narcissist. The bottom line is that such a person can offer to marry you, not considering it a serious matter, obliging him to something with all the ensuing consequences.

Finances and romances

Further, to assess the seriousness of a man's intentions, it is important for you to assess the socialth and material and everyday status of a man, check the sources of his income. Because a financially failed man can use you as a fickle mistress, that is, he will offer you open relationship without any obligation. At the same time, in order not to waste energy on searching new girlfriend for comfort, he may well tell you a lot about plans for the future, and in exchange for his words about a happy future, force you to serve him not only sexually, but also work in domestic plan such as cleaning, washing, cooking, or even worse, using your mind, such as asking him to help him intellectually.

social status and money is not an empty phrase for men, as well as for many women. A decent man is ready to start a family when his questions about understanding his status in society are closed, questions about having his own home are closed, and he have money to support the family. That is, a man who does not have a position, he has no housing and money, and he did not understand who he is in this world - in principle, he can offer you nothing but beautiful words. If he has not yet achieved anything socially, perhaps he will rely on your help in career growth. If he does not have housing, perhaps he will rely on your living space. Is it necessary to explain why women, helping men change it social status for the better, often quit - when a man reaches a new level of income?

Forgive me for being so pessimistic - too many women come to the psychologist who were used by men who promised a beautiful future and disappeared after a while. Therefore, I repeat - take the actions of a man very seriously, and not his intentions, expressed only in words. A loving man will, first of all, strive to help you with things in everything.

What if you are in love but have doubts?

If you have difficulty understanding the intentions and motivations, assessing the personality of the intended partner - do not rush things, slow down the courtship process, stretch the process for more than 2-3 years. You can pretend for about 2 years, no more, then the man will get tired of playing the role, especially if communication occurs often, but there is no rapprochement.

If he pretended or wanted you use- You will see abrupt change behavior and attitude towards you. He will tell you that there are no feelings, or they have ended, he will begin to offer an open relationship, or you will see his true face (for example, outbursts of anger, selfishness, manipulative thinking, cheeky behavior, flirting with other women, or even worse - lying and promiscuity, like life style). You proceed from the fact that a man must prove the seriousness of his intentions with obvious actions and significant actions that are understandable and obvious not only to you, but also to your friends and close relatives.

If you need Additional Information on this topic, we have a program which deals with various options behavior of a man and are given key features estimates the seriousness of the man's intentions in a relationship.

Are you in a difficult life situation? Get a free and anonymous consultation with a psychologist on our website or ask your question in the comments.

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20 thoughts on How to assess the seriousness of a man's intentions in a relationship with me?”

Olga
But I would like to ask you to explain why women who help a man to reach new level income/status, drop. Shouldn't a man be grateful and glad that his woman helped him? On the contrary, it seems to me that he should love and appreciate her even more. “Must”, I mean according to the logic of the development of this story.
- Olesya Francyna
  Olga, the thing is that love is impossible to earn. When a person is valuable because he is useful, we are talking not about love, but about functional usefulness and deserving love. Love is based, first of all, on emotional closeness between people, when the person himself is dear and valuable, and not on how useful he is for achieving goals. When a person is a means to an end, he ceases to be valuable as soon as the end is achieved. For example, when you come to a beautician, fitness trainer, psychologist, you appreciate their work, but part with them when they have completed their work, and you have reached your desired goal. Because your relationship is built on functional utility. The same thing happens in relationships if they are built not on love, but on benefit, convenience, usefulness. When we talk about mature relationships between a man and a woman, we say that they are in the format of a partnership. Those. relationship between two adults who are able to independently solve their problems and take care of their well-being. Harmonious relationships are built on the basis of a mutual desire to be together, because being together is good, interesting, pleasant, etc., and not because it is profitable and convenient.
  
  When you say that a man should love a woman even more if she helped him reach a new level of income and status, you are talking about functional utility: “Love me, because I bring you such a great benefit,” but they appreciate it for utility, grateful but not loving. In addition, if a woman devotes most of her time to looking after the well-being of a man, she is acting like a mother. And this also significantly affects the relationship between a man and a woman. A man can really feel gratitude for help, as he feels gratitude towards his mother, but not desire this woman, because such feelings for the mother are unnatural.
  
  It is important to separate the concept of “help” and “support” here, because active help will refer to functional utility, and support to emotional closeness. In a situation where both a man and a woman are engaged in their own development, and support each other, they build equal relationship, partner and mature. They are interested in developing next to each other, achieving their goals, being proud of each other, admiring, supporting each other. This is how they look harmonious relationship. While the desire to solve the problems of a partner, to devote his life to achieving his goals, they speak of sacrifice and functional utility. In answering the question, we are talking about the functional usefulness of a woman, when she is a function for a man, a means to achieve his goals, some useful resource at this stage of life.
  - Olga
    Olesya, obviously. Thanks a lot for the detailed explanation. I did not know that.
  - Olga
    I understand your explanation, Olesya. But people in a couple develop each other - give each other books that were useful to them, teach each other their hobbies, hobbies, give each other feedback what they lack in the relationship, what can be improved/corrected. A man can buy a car for the family, repair it, maintain it, and a woman cooks, chooses places to spend time (theater, trip). The man assembles or even makes furniture, and the woman does the interior. Isn't that useful? All the same, we are in one way or another helpful to each other. It refers to the giving side. Is not it so? I understand what it is different kind usefulness - to give a book or get a job. But a completely “useless” person who only eats and watches TV, why should I be in a relationship?)) I will choose a “useful” person, interesting, just who will help open new horizons in life.
  - Olga
    And I also think, Olesya, that for the act of relationship that you described, you really need to be a mature and healthy person for both. Because being together because being together is good and pleasant is the only thing that healthy people can do, as I understand it. Not healthy people need submission and humiliation, worship, Human resources, here they are together and will be with someone for this reason.
    - Olesya Francyna
      Olga, you are right! Psychologists generally work with mentally healthy people who, nevertheless, have various psychological difficulties. And everyone can learn how to build harmonious and mature relationships, because this is a skill that can be mastered. Or rather, a set of skills. If you are interested in this topic, we can help you develop these skills, please contact us! It must be said that both are always involved in relationships in general, and both influence them, even if it seems otherwise. Therefore, both maintain relationships exactly as they are. Those. if a woman (or man) is not satisfied with something, but she (he) agrees to it, then this is the contribution that she (he) makes to these relationships and to what they are. Sometimes people do not realize how significant their contribution is, and how much they can influence the quality of relationships. The point is that in working with a psychologist, you can identify your ineffective relationship building strategies and find new ways of behavior that will lead you to desired results: improving emotional well-being (and as a result, physical well-being), personal effectiveness and a sense of happiness and satisfaction with relationships and life in general.
Oksana
Olga, with your permission, I can give you two reasons for this: the first reason. Woman helping a man achieve good status and high incomes, begins to give a lot, but take nothing or take minimally! And in relationships between adults, the balance of "give-take" is very important! You only need to give a LITTLE more than you receive! When this balance is disturbed, then the relationship becomes cool. And then at all, the side that basically took, but gave nothing or little in return, begins, oddly enough, or to hate its benefactor (the notorious Karpman Triangle, where the woman acted as the Savior, and then her role shifted to the role of the Victim) . The second reason. Often a woman, helping a man to achieve heights, forgets about herself. That is, he does not take care of his own personal development. For example, he invests all or almost all of his money so that his husband learns additionally somewhere, for example, in courses foreign language, but forgets about herself, about the fact that it is important for her not to lose the acquired knowledge, skills, skills, but also to acquire new ones. TOGETHER with a man to develop, not to stop there. Such a woman very often becomes uninteresting to a man who has achieved a lot in life! In general, according to the rules of the family system, it is optimal if the position between the spouses is at least approximately equal and it persists throughout life. That is, so that a man does not ungratefully leave a woman who helped him achieve heights, it is important, firstly, to be able to take and give in approximately the same way and not forget about yourself, about your development! But the most important thing: to be able to understand people, to understand who is a psychopath (you definitely shouldn’t develop in them :)), who is a neurotic, and who is a harmonious, authentic personality, and can be grateful for support!
To the question that “a man should be grateful,” I can say this: no one owes anything to anyone! And it is strange to feel gratitude on the principle of duty! There is one very good exercise to end the relationship (taken from constellation techniques): completing the relationship with a man, we come to the “training”, we choose his deputy, and we say the following words to him: “everything that I gave you (help, support ...), I gave with love!” Of course, this is an excerpt from the entire phrase, but, nevertheless, it helps not to wait for gratitude, but to calmly let the person go if he wants to leave! And remember, love can NOT be won by helping! And she will NOT grow on gratitude!
Oksana
Thank you!!!
Oksana
thanks for nice words! In my opinion, it is worth noting the following: a man can offer his help, but give him the right to use it and not use it! For example, say the following: “Darling, can I help you with something?” If a man does not refuse, then it is appropriate to ask how EXACTLY you can help? If it is voiced and it does not burden you, then it is quite possible to say that you will help! And, accordingly, to provide assistance. But remember the rule that help is not a complete transfer of responsibility for the result, but 1-5%! By the way, if a man says that he wants to solve all the problems himself, then accept this too! But in both cases, it makes sense to provide some moral support, for example, to say: I believe, I know that you can handle it! After all, you have already had success in this! Then treat them to a delicious dinner, invite them to watch their favorite movie together! By the way, this is also a help! Only you do not forget to ask for yourself and thank for the services rendered!
Well, in general, about help in business. In my opinion, it’s good when spouses or just a couple have affairs that are close in “character” but have their own specifics! Then there will be no competition, and both will help each other to do their own thing! Thanks again to everyone for the kind words!!!