How did your life change with the birth of your child? How the life of an active woman changes after the birth of a child

It seems that the birth of a child is such a bright and beautiful page in the life of every person. Expectations, care, gifts and congratulations! The first months are full of love. But few people think about whether there is life after having children? What will the little bundle take away from you - concerts, pubs, galleries, festivals, meetings with friends... Or will it not?

How it all starts with a child...

Having heard enough scary stories family and friends, I almost believed that my life had come to an end. Diapers, cereals, toys, pacifiers. That's all the fun for you. Okay, another daily walk around the area.

But... In practice it turned out that you can live with kids active life! Of course, you can forget about parties until the morning and sudden trips several hundred kilometers away. At least for the first year. But by adding organization and self-confidence, you can do a lot, a lot.

We started going to cafes and restaurants with the baby when he was 3 weeks old. And now I regret that I didn’t start earlier. I understood the answer to the question, is there life after having children? The establishments have everything children need, so you will feel no worse than at home with your baby. Feel free to take your little one under your arm and head to a romantic dinner.

Is it possible to go to establishments with a child or not?

Most establishments offer babies a high chair for feeding. For the first time, we traveled 600 kilometers with the baby by train, when the baby was 5 weeks old. And it wasn't difficult at all. During the year of his life, he covered this distance a dozen times by train and car. And you know, nothing bad happened to him.

With the carrier, parents can climb the mountains without any problems. The first concert was at 7 weeks. Do you know the secret? Until about the fourth month, children can sleep in any noise. Therefore, no concerts are scary for him. Does life change after the birth of a child so that the mother is nearby.

And after 4 months there were also concerts. And even a whole music festival. And our baby dozed sweetly to Prodigy.

Is it worth taking your child to a concert?

Life is too short to sit at home. Things to remember when going to a concert with your baby:

Do not get close to the stage, the crowd and strong bass are dangerous for the baby;
take the baby in a sling, so the child will feel the presence of mom or dad and will be calm;
Cover your ears with special noise-absorbing headphones;
monitor the baby's reaction;
study the exit routes in advance to avoid getting into the crowd;
take water for yourself, security guards at any event allow you to bring water for pregnant women and children;
feel free to breastfeed your baby, it will calm him down and you will have a wonderful evening.

Is it worth traveling with a newborn?

It's not scary to travel with babies. During our baby's first year, we went on vacation by plane twice. How smaller child, the easier it is to fly with it. On vacation it’s also no more difficult than at home. And considering that on vacation you don’t cook, don’t clean, don’t work, and, moreover, there are always two of you and a child, then it’s many times easier than at home. What is worth remembering when flying with a child under one year old:

Bring new toys and books with you;
even if you don’t show your child cartoons at home, write down a few just in case;
Give your baby breast or water during takeoff and landing of the plane;
take a small first aid kit with you;
Be patient, there is nothing fatal about your child crying on a plane.

The baby easily adapts to everything and the question of whether there is life after the birth of children should not arise.

What will help you lead an active lifestyle with a baby under one year old?

Breast-feeding. Thanks to breastfeeding up to 6 months you don’t have to think at all about what to feed and drink your baby. Ideal in composition, temperature and always fresh, mother's milk is always at hand. No bottles, sterilizers, thermoses needed. Absolutely nothing is needed. You can feed and calm your baby absolutely anywhere.

And this does not mean at all that the mother will have to expose her breasts. Properly selected clothes or even special clothes for feeding - and no one will even guess. Although remember: breastfeeding is a natural process and nothing to be ashamed of.

Carrying. Ideally, when a child loves to ride in a stroller, it is very convenient for walking. But sometimes in public transport, in the forest or mountains it is more convenient to carry a child in your arms. But it's not that easy! Therefore, parents will be helped out by a sling or ergo-backpack (after the child sits up on his own). There are dozens of such devices, the main thing is to choose a truly safe carrier.

Calm. Children cry a lot and this is normal. This does not mean that you should barricade yourself at home for several years and not go anywhere. Worried that other adults will look at you askance? First, most people are friendly and understanding towards babies. Secondly, people who do not like to relax in the company of children can choose establishments without children; even hotels offer the service: vacation only for 16+. Just ask if this establishment is child-friendly before going on vacation.

How to behave when traveling with a child

Many establishments have changing tables, high chairs, and toys. The same applies to hotels. Feel free to ask if there is life after having children, this can make your life as easy as possible. Children also easily adapt to everything and can sleep peacefully anywhere. Children are the responsibility of both parents. By equally distributing responsibilities, both parents are happy, and the child is truly well-groomed.

Ask for help. If you are both exhausted and need help, don't hesitate to ask for it. Neither family nor friends are obligated to help you with your child. But not everyone understands that you need this help. But most people will not refuse to help a little after they are sincerely asked.

Be polite. Of course, a child can sometimes disturb others. But no one forbids you to ask for forgiveness. Move a little further with the child. Then you will be treated with understanding!

especially for the site Anastasia

Do you think there is life after having children? Or will you have to stay at home, unable to go out? Leave yours or read comments from other visitors.

How does life change after the birth of a child? Once upon a time, as a young and naive student, I believed that maternity leave is a time of degradation, a woman turns into an appendage to a child, is limited in development and cannot support a conversation on a topic other than diapers and complementary foods. How wrong I was))

15 discoveries and lessons from my motherhood

I discovered new world which I hadn't noticed before. It turns out that the streets are full of children: babies sleeping soundly in strollers, preschoolers cheerfully walking with their mother by the hand, and teenagers waving their backpacks. It turns out that IKEA has a whole department of children's clothes. It turns out that not all shops and institutions allow you to enter with a stroller.
I became treat parents and children with understanding: I will skip the queue for a mother with a baby both at the clinic and in the queue at the store; if necessary, I will help with the stroller, I will treat them with sympathy to a crying baby on the plane, and before I would roll my eyes and think: “Can’t you calm me down so as not to disturb everyone?”
I realized that I I can't control everything that plans do not always go as planned. This was the most difficult thing for me - I prefer to plan everything and am sensitive to deviations. But the child does not know that we need to see a doctor, or go on a visit, or get up early for a plane tomorrow; he lives, focusing on his current needs. So what if the baby always slept at lunchtime, and I hoped to rest at this time; today my son intends to frolic for another hour or two. At such moments, you just need to stop dreaming of a cup of tea with a book, and go and play with your baby. He has the right to live according to his own schedule, sleep and eat when he wants it, and not when mom needs it. If you repeat it often enough, you will believe it too :)
I looked it up and softened her maximalist judgments about the world. I used to think that I knew everything in the world, how to live correctly, etc. - typical behavior of a young and self-confident girl. I rethought many views on upbringing and care as a child grows up, as well as on relationships between people in general. I used to think that children should never sleep in the same bed as their parents. After several sleepless nights, I decided that let the baby sleep as he wanted and where he wanted, only the parents could sleep too. I realized that every child is different, and what works for one child may not necessarily work for another. Some people sit quietly in a car seat, while others need to be constantly distracted so that the baby does not cry. Some people happily take the pacifier and play with it, while others spit it out. Some sleep well on their back, while others need to be turned onto their tummy. No universal advice, there is no black and white, you need to try and find what suits your baby specifically.
I have improved significantly time management skills. Life itself forces you to set priorities correctly, learn to do several things at the same time or together with your child, optimize your usual routine household chores, and develop your own system of “getting ahead.” Because if you are not only a mother, but also a working mother, you cannot survive without clear planning.
I set priorities and now I clearly understand my values, my principles of decision-making. The birth of a child not only gives time to think about such “life-meaning” topics, but also an impetus for changing the usual paradigm of thinking. Maternity leave is the time to figure out what I really want?
I have studied a huge amount of literature and publications on the topic of child development, caring for them, health and treatment, education. I take care of my baby myself, so I needed such knowledge. I can easily tell you what the pros and cons are different methods early development, designate key points in speech development, advise on teaching swimming and diving to infants, play finger games, offer several different activities for development fine motor skills, sketch out a plan for a thematic week, etc.
I learned many children's poems and songs. Great memory booster! It is unlikely that in my conscious life there has been a period of such intensive mastery of poetry, folklore, and songs. I know by heart “Moidodyra”, “My phone rang”, half of “Aibolit”, “What is good and what is bad” and many, many more poems that my child willingly listens to. He also loves when I sing him songs or lullabies.
I started singing. Aloud! Because I have a grateful listener. Even on the street I can quietly hum a song to him while we walk somewhere together. And it’s even better when we sing together)
I discovered in myself creative streak: I started sewing toys and books from felt, although before the birth of my son, my greatest achievement with a needle was sewing on a button once a year. I do it with pleasure homemade toys(various sorters, books, “rattlers”, etc.), I come up with all sorts of “developmental” toys and games for the baby.
I expanded my knowledge of classical music(while I was making a selection for listening with a child) and fine arts(my son loves looking at albums with reproductions). There was a funny incident: I came for a manicure at new salon and noticed a reproduction from our book on their wall. “Yes, this is the Harbor in Marseille!” - but I was the only one who knew this picture. Still, it is useful to learn new things with your child.
Now I'm much I spend more time on fresh air . My son and I walk in any weather (unless a downpour or storm can stop us), we run, we go down the slides. And pushing a stroller through snowdrifts and curbs is also a good exercise. I finally have warm clothes in my wardrobe; before in winter I only moved by car and only for 5 minutes maximum.
I created my own project “Motherhood is a joy”, which appeared thanks to my son.
My the inner child rejoices, so sometimes I collect with more enthusiasm than Pasha autumn leaves, running for soap bubbles, playing with sensory boxes, watching the snowflakes on my mitten... Because it’s possible, I’m not just serious now adult woman, I am a mother with a child)))
The most important thing is that I learned appreciate moments of happiness with your baby: the way he laughs, comes up to hug me, rushes as fast as he can to meet dad from work, rejoices at the new lid, runs after the cats... I can continue this list endlessly. For me, my child is a powerful charge of positivity and motivation for further success.

And this is just the beginning, there are still many lessons to be learned. So after the birth of a child, life changes dramatically - it’s been verified by me :) Share how your life has changed? What's your lesson from motherhood?

Photos: Sergey Ivanyutin

The birth of a child, as one of the heroines of this material put it, is comparable “to going into outer space without insurance”: it is overgrown with a set of plausible clichés and frightening prejudices and predictably evokes feelings in new parents ranging from delight to horror. Is the birth of a baby a complete holiday or a complete nightmare? Is it possible (and is it necessary) to manage everything and not deny yourself anything, even if you don’t have a million rubles and nannies? How to be a good mother or father, but not overdo it? How to build your comfort zone when everyone around you has an opinion and a ready-made set of advice? In the end, is it worth saying goodbye to? in the usual way life forever? We asked several families who recently had children about how the birth of a child changed their life, habits and worldview and what turned out to be the most interesting or difficult.

Dmitry, Zhenya and Anna

ANNA
PAVLYUCHKOVA
36 years old, managing director of Picnic Afisha, on maternity leave

DMITRY SMOLIN
37 years old, programmer

ZHENYA
9 months

All children turn out to be very different, but for some reason few people warn about this

I find it hard to believe that there are people whose lives have not changed with the birth of a child. This is either deceit, or from the very first days the child finds himself enclosed in a tight ring of nannies and relatives. Even clinging to the old way of life and adjusting the child to it, and not vice versa, it is impossible to deny the changes - at least at the level of feelings. The birth of a child is an incredible, crazy event, a complete flight into space without insurance. Although, of course, to give birth or not to give birth is everyone’s personal choice, and such a scenario has no right to be imposed either by society in a broad sense or by one’s inner circle, dear mother or the Pope.

Expectations and myths - main enemy any young parent. “Well, now you’ll forget about sleep”, “At first everything is simple, and then colic!”, “It’s nothing, and then the teeth will come!” All this creates a field of fears and doubts, as if without this it is not scary and not nervous. In reality, everything is simpler and more complicated at the same time: all children and all problems turn out to be very different, but for some reason few people warn about this. Zhenya and I were extremely lucky. It sounds like bragging, but in reality it is more like a sigh of relief from a poker player who received the missing ace on the river. While we were waiting for what would happen now, like our friends - getting up at 5 in the morning and the song was over - she slept until 12, sometimes until one in the afternoon. The colic was shorter and less traumatic than anything I had heard about it. But there were moments that no one predicted that really made me worry: a three-day breast boycott immediately after birth, an almost six-month absence of the necessary Pentaxim vaccine in the country, a two-month correction of incorrect foot adduction using plaster “boots.”

Of course, our regime has changed, but I can’t say dramatically. For example, now we watch a film not in one evening, but in two. But the most amazing thing is that 80% of the time I get enough sleep. We can say that the changes are more likely related to the long-awaited emergence of a regime and consistency. Many people talk about the lack of communication with friends and socialization in the first year after birth, but we have never been avid partygoers and prefer to cook dinner and build a nest on the couch with a movie or book. Evening is the time when you can’t run away from the child and won’t leave him with anyone, and Zhenya can only settle down with the breast for now (and doesn’t accept expressed milk from a bottle). However, all the first months of her life fell on the low season by the standards of concert life in Moscow - she never had to bite her elbows.

Perhaps the main challenge for me was giving up work. Throughout my pregnancy, I had a hard time imagining how I could let go of these reins. It was difficult: having gone on maternity leave as scheduled, for a whole month before the “Picnic” I continued to stubbornly work from home for several hours at a time, although matters were transferred to reliable hands. To prevent congestion and bedsores in winter, I joined a small project of friends, which ended just a couple of weeks ago. However, I don’t plan to return to work for at least the first 1.5 years.

Travel is another victim of the new status and new life: previously it was possible to travel somewhere several times a year. Before pregnancy, Dima and I closed the gestalt by driving around the western United States by car, and this May we finally broke the pause with a road trip around Italy - now the three of us. Even for experienced travelers like us, this is a level up and a new wonderful world, where in a restaurant you have to “fall and do push-ups”, and in the car you sometimes listen to Italian operas performed by your daughter.

What has really changed in life is the attitude towards the inability to control everything. Failures are inevitable even in the best-built system, and it helps a hell of a lot if there is someone nearby who can catch you and replace you before you feel like a terrible mother and a monster. In this sense, I was also wildly lucky with Dima (in general, it turns out that I was very lucky) - we have truly partnered parenting. The diaper is changed by the one who can this moment replace it. The three-hour bedtime is done in shifts of 20–30 minutes. Swimming before bed is my father's domain, because I have strong hands and a less sore back; eating during the day is my mother's, because in five weekdays a week my hand will be able to get a spoon full of porridge even into a bicycle wheel between the spokes.

But all changes, large or small, pale in comparison with a certain new, fourth dimension of reality, which opens with the birth of a child. Watching a child learn about the world and himself 24 hours a day is exciting and similar to reading a good detective story with dashing intrigue. Sharing what is happening with your partner makes you a little conspiratorial, a little crazy, and becomes a trigger for some new sincerity in the relationship: everything neutralizes the worst colic, sleepless nights, a year without a vacation and the fifth pause in watching a movie in the evening.

With the birth of a child, you often want to simultaneously
and speed up and slow down
passage of time

Does life change a lot with the birth of a child? Yes, a lot, without a doubt. But it’s too late to be afraid here. Well, or early, if children are still being planned. In any case, it is much easier for us than for our parents: in the age disposable diapers, disposable diapers, washing machines and dishwashers in every apartment, multicookers, radio and video nannies and widespread home delivery, the birth of a child does not add, in general, many new worries. All this, however, does not increase the amount of free time in any way - it simply makes it possible to free your hands from everyday life as much as possible. And all free time one way or another, the child takes it for himself.

In my opinion, there is little point in “preparing” for inevitable changes in life: both changes and new discoveries are different for everyone. For me, the most unexpected difficulty so far has probably been the splitting of time into small segments of no more than a couple of hours. The rhythm of your life adapts to the “piecemeal” rhythm of the child’s life, and this, of course, is logical, but before Zhenya appeared, I did not even think about these rhythms and the inevitability of constant changes in context.

However, I wouldn’t be surprised if in a couple of years I miss this ragged rhythm - the most unexpected discovery for me was that with the birth of a child I often want to both speed up and slow down the passage of time. “I would like to see how she has grown up as soon as possible” - and at the same time “let her not grow up longer.”

Ksenia, Aglaya and Ilya

KSENIA TUNIK
22 years old,
motion designer

ILYA BUZINOV
24 years old, motion designer, animator

AGLAYA
1 year and 2 months

Maternity leave for me is an opportunity to exhale and look around, to understand where to move next.

My pregnancy was unplanned and happened during a rather stressful period of my life, when I had to constantly be torn between work and study. I studied until the sixth month, and worked until the eighth - so I didn’t prepare in any way, I just thought that I would finally be able to rest to my heart’s content (ha ha). In general, I never saw myself as a young mother - and now I think that it’s still better to become financially successful first. Maternity leave for me is an opportunity to exhale and look around, to understand where to move next, especially now there is a good reason to think faster. So I don't regret anything.

The first two months after giving birth I was sad and hard: my head was filled with various nonsense, it constantly seemed to me that the baby and I were disturbing everyone, that the stroller was wrong, that everything was wrong, and the whole subsequent life suddenly seemed completely hopeless. It’s even funny to remember it now. We continue to meet with friends, go to exhibitions and events, even more than before Aglaya was born. Previously, there was always a lack of energy and time for this, but now the desire to diversify everyday life wins.

I manage to find time to study computer graphics, but, of course, I would like to do more. What I miss most is work. Here, one after another, materials are published about cool working mothers, the image of a modern heroine with a baby and a startup - this, of course, is my unattainable ideal. So far I have only managed to intercept a couple of freelancers and make a video for a friend. So our breadwinner is Ilya.

It seems to me that Aglaya’s appearance greatly brought Ilya and I together. Having a child is not always easy and joyful, but Ilya’s calmness and patience help us cope with all difficulties. Thanks to my family, I am learning not to whine and not to get angry, and these sins terribly bothered me even during work and study. But no matter how much you read or write about parenting, everything will still be different for you; it is impossible to imagine this whole wave of new feelings, thoughts and anxieties falling on you.

If the child appeared
a year or two earlier
I would be terrified

I always lived with the idea that I would have a child, but someday in the gray future. Although I always liked young parents: when the children are twenty and the parents are forty, they are almost the same generation and views. Actually, that’s what happened. We didn't plan to have a child, but to some extent I was ready. If this had happened a year or two earlier, I would have been horrified; I had no skills, no profession, and I’m not even talking about the moral side.

For me, first of all, the material issue was important, since we are not Muscovites and my upbringing does not allow me to sit on my parents’ necks. For a long time they didn’t tell anyone about the child: I didn’t know how friends and relatives would take it all, I was a little afraid (as it turned out, in vain - everyone provided such great support, I didn’t even expect it), they wanted to arrange everything, and then announce the news. For a long time, my neighbor in the dorm didn’t understand why I was looking for an apartment - I said that I was just tired of living here. When I told my mother (and told her over the phone) that Ksyusha was pregnant, at first she did not understand what we were going to do, but when she realized that we had decided to keep the child, she was happy.

In general, the birth of Aglaya really focused me on my work, before that I had no idea about time management, my work does not imply a clear schedule, and I could get up at 11 am or 2 pm, not like now. The child is very tonic in this regard.

Mark, Hannah and Vika

VIKA BOYARSKAYA
29 years old, cook
and journalist

MARK BOYARSKY
31 years old, photographer

HANNA
11 months

I was worried about how Mark would feel about Hannah. And now, when I see that he really loves, it’s just space

The appearance of Hannah is a hundred percent planned and long-awaited story for us. During pregnancy, I read dozens of books about parenting, health, education, development and psychology of children. For me, immersing myself in the topic was addictive and enjoyable, and it is still a huge area of my interest. And yet, I prepared for the birth of a child as if it were the end of my life. I was sure that I would not see the world, I would constantly want to sleep, it would probably be difficult for me to carry out the routine tedious care of the baby, then it would turn out that I was generally annoyed by motherhood, I would not be able to combine it with work, I would neglect myself, my husband would dislike me, I'll fall into postpartum depression, we won’t have enough money for food and diapers - in general, I seriously considered all the terrible scenarios at once. And I was also very afraid that the baby would be born and for some reason I wouldn’t love her at first sight.

But everything turned out differently. The first morning after Hannah was born, I looked at her and tears flowed from my eyes, she was so pretty. I couldn’t understand why people don’t give birth to children in a row non-stop. So she said to Mark: “We immediately, urgently need more children, she’s not enough for me, it’s too cool to stop.” By inertia, I continued to wait for something to go wrong and the torment to begin. But Hannah slept, ate, slept again, gained weight, learned to smile. When she was three weeks old, we went to the “Afisha Picnic” and hung out there all day from start to finish. I couldn’t believe that we got a “gift” child. Of course, we had sleepless nights, and getting up at five in the morning, and the hated fireproof three extra pounds is still with me, but I can definitely say that I have never been as happy in my life as I am now that we have Hannah.

As for work, everything turned out quite well for me too. A few years before I got pregnant, I changed careers, mostly left journalism and worked as a cook at Delicatessen. During pregnancy, this matter had to be abandoned: it turned out that it was too difficult to stand on your feet for the entire ten-hour working day, and besides, Mark and I wanted to spend a few months before Hannah arrived in Asia, traveling together one last time. That's why I returned to writing - this skill of mine brings in enough money. Now I wouldn’t work full-time for anyone other than myself: firstly, it’s too important for me to be close to Hannah, and secondly, I think I’m already ripe for some more personal professional history.

With the birth of a child comes interesting thing: I call this to myself “the third eye opened.” This was the first time I encountered the fact that you can have feelings for someone absolutely intuitively. We choose a partner, a favorite job, friends, as thinking adults, loaded with our ideas about the world, logic, common sense. You see a child for the first time, and you are covered by some kind of unreal avalanche of feelings, dictated by hormones, instinct and something else that is not influenced by the mind at all. In this state, you begin to look at other aspects of your life completely differently, you learn to listen to these very intuitive sensations, recognize them both in your relationship with your husband, and at the moment when you take on some task. new project at work, and just when you walk down the street. For an ultra-rational person like me, this is like a vaccination, the body receives a dose of intuitiveness, and some other level of perception of reality is triggered after that.

I was worried about what kind of father Mark would make. I had no doubt about his responsibility, that he would help and try, that our family would remain his priority. But she couldn’t know how he would feel towards Hannah, whether he would love her. And now, when I see that he really loves, it’s just space. I am very lucky that Mark gives me the opportunity to rest, while I do not feel any psychological discomfort leaving Hannah with him. We divide all the responsibilities for caring for her approximately in half. I feed and put him to bed, simply because I can do it easily and quickly, Mark walks, plays, gives me the opportunity to work or do my own thing and not think that something could go wrong.

The idea that it is possible to somehow arrange it so that life does not change due to the appearance of a child is alien to me. Firstly, why do we need a child at all, if parents strive to make sure that he does not strain as much as possible and does not influence the usual course of things? I have a very good attitude towards childfree people: I believe that people who do not follow the lead of the propaganda to give birth that is pouring on us from every iron, as well as those who do not “have” children simply because “the clock is ticking”, are honest with themselves and people who are able to understand life sensibly. I see the essence of love in change, overcoming, in refusing to think only about the needs of your ego. I really believe that parents should give their child the opportunity to cry at night, hang in their arms, demand attention non-stop - and give him all this, because otherwise he simply will not be able to grow up healthy and happy.

We've lost the opportunity
to be alone and have not yet found a way to compensate for it

Hannah's birth changed our lives greatly. Everything except my work has become different, even if formally it can be called the same words - from global things, like trips abroad, to a basic shared breakfast.

The pregnancy was planned and long-awaited. We wanted to have a child for a long time and eventually did IVF. We attended courses for young parents, prepared a house, and bought furniture. I entrusted almost all the key decisions regarding the choice of things related to the child to my wife. Because he knew it was important to her. But I chose simply not to form my own point of view, so that unnecessary disputes would not arise later.

I can’t speak for my wife, but I’ll say for myself: it turned out that the things we were preparing for, in practice, are very different from the idea about them. Having not physically experienced those feelings that fill you when every morning you see next to a small man with fluff on his head and wide with open eyes, it is impossible to imagine them. Read about this at least a hundred times. And when you hear a child’s voice for the first time, and when a child grabs your finger with his hand and just laughs. This is all very exciting. These are joys. The same is true about fatigue after several months of getting up early, the inability to even go to the movies together, not to mention a party with friends, or whatever - lie in bed on Sunday morning and watch a TV series. This makes me sad sometimes.

We are on whole year we almost stopped going to the dacha (it’s not comfortable enough with a baby), I gave up running and exercise in the morning (the latter is my own laziness), when choosing a direction for a trip abroad, we start from where it will be comfortable with a baby (that is, a baby). But the saddest thing is that we lost the opportunity to be together. And, alas, I cannot say that we have found a way to compensate for this. On the contrary, if possible, I try to relieve Vika, and she me: we get up in the morning to have breakfast in turns and at least once a day we go for a walk together with my daughter, giving the second one the opportunity to sleep or just be in peace.

I knew a lot of things in advance: that my wife would be at home with the baby, that I would try to help her walk and that I would like it. What I didn’t think about - so this will actually become my only personal time and will replace running for me. Well, yes, I couldn’t expect that all meetings with friends would now turn into discussing children and running after them to talk on serious topics and friendly chatter, only messengers on the phone remain. If I found myself behind Last year at any night/evening events, then only for work. I am lucky that my work provides such varied opportunities to broaden my horizons and avoid routine.

Our parents come to play or take a walk with their granddaughter on average once a week for a couple of hours; they are active and busy. In general, we are the only ones dealing with Hannah. I'm happy with everything, although I would like my wife to trust our grandparents more. And so that they show more confidence in what they do with it.

I’m probably not inclined enough to self-examination and reflection to answer well the question of what I realized/discovered in myself, in life, in my relationship with my wife. I have always been homely and family-oriented, even with friends I preferred to sit at home, chat and play Board games or watch a movie instead of going to noisy party. That hasn't changed. I happy man. I have felt this way for many years. I really appreciate and love my wife. She's a wonderful mom.

Of course, like any parents, we made mistakes, but it’s too early to judge them - my daughter is too young. The only thing I would definitely change was my first night alone with her in the family room at the maternity hospital. I was afraid to pick her up and left her in a transparent plastic cradle. She slept quietly or just lay there, and I looked at her in the darkness, but didn’t take her.

Ivan, Kostya, Anna and Grisha

I still remember
that helplessness that you feel when two children are crying and want to be held, but you have to choose one

My pregnancy was very desired and occurred almost immediately after our wedding. I found out I was pregnant the day I received my passport with my new name. After a while, there will be twins. It looked like this: I came for an ultrasound to a stern uncle-doctor, who first told me horror stories, then looked at the monitor screen for a long time and gloomily, and eventually asked something like: “Do you want a child?” “Very,” I answered honestly. “What about two?” - and then, of course, I burst into tears. I always dreamed of twins, but never thought it could become a reality. Then I read a lot on the forums of mothers of twins that, having learned about twins, they experienced conflicting feelings: joy, horror, fear, and anxiety that they would not cope. My feelings were so clear that I don’t even know if I’ve ever experienced such pure joy in my life as I did at that moment.

Throughout my pregnancy I felt like I had hit the jackpot. I was pregnant, and also with two children. It seemed to both me and my husband to be an incredible success and a reason for great pride. Although I was diagnosed with the rarest and most dangerous type of twins, accounting for only 1% of all multiple pregnancies, I remember my pregnancy as a very pleasant, meaningful time. I understood that it would probably not be easy for us when the children were born. My parents live in another city, my husband’s parents work a lot, and we ourselves then lived in a one-room apartment. But all these thoughts, oddly enough, did not interest me much. People often say that pregnant women become stupid and stop noticing the world around them, but I think that there is some kind of nature-based program in this. I wanted to carry and give birth to my children healthy, other than that I didn’t care about anything at all then.

Were there any pink glasses? Maybe. Although even now I cannot say that I have experienced any unrealistic difficulties that would make me feel differently about this. The most difficult thing, of course, was that there were two children. I coined the term “baby juggling”: I still remember the helplessness that you feel when your two small children are crying and want to be held, but you have to choose one. Fortunately, this period passed quickly.

Before the birth of my sons, I somehow didn’t think about how I would distinguish between them. I chuckled quietly reading about how mothers paint with greenery or tie multi-colored threads to distinguish identical twins. In fact, it turned out that this is indeed not easy, especially when you sleep little. This gave rise to a whole series of jokes in our family: “the main thing is not to feed the same thing twice”, “in the dark all cats are black” and “ birth mother won't tell the difference." There is also this professional joke about a mother of twins who shouts to her children: “Whoever you are, stop it right now!” This is roughly what happens.

After the birth of children, both my husband and parents helped a lot. I think I avoided postpartum depression mainly because everyone tried to support me and gave me the opportunity to be alone when I needed it. Of course, my husband and I were worried new period grinding in, already as parents of two children. They say that it is especially difficult for men in the first months after the birth of a baby, because a woman’s love for children is biological, largely determined by hormonal levels, while for men it is social and really comes much later. I think this is true, but Vanya was maximally involved in this process. WITH early age he was not afraid to be alone with them. When I returned to work, our children were 1.5 years old, and we even thought about him taking maternity leave and sat with the guys for a while. We later abandoned this idea, but I’m even sorry. I think he would do well.

Probably my only disappointment was that motherhood does not provide any answers. Deep down, I was sure that motherhood would reveal to me some new truth, a new me. In fact, I just got two people whom I love very much and whom I want to take care of. Of course, some priorities have changed, but all the questions that I had about myself, about life, about the universe remained unchanged, they were not resolved in any way. There are even more of them.

Now children for me are, first of all, joy, and then responsibility, fatigue and everything else. People without children sometimes ask about where I get my strength, although I rather think about where those who don’t have children get their strength. It seems to me that life without children is very boring. Yes, there are movies, wine and dominoes, but in essence it is all very monotonous. I think that there are not too many truly deep experiences in a person's life, and even fewer of them are positive. Of course, children take up a lot of energy and a lot of time, but in return they give something that is difficult to describe in words.

There were times when I waited until I went to work to rest. At the same time, after work I still wanted to return to the children as soon as possible

I have long tried on the role of a father and modeled different situations, so having children was natural for me. I was preparing for the fact that I would have to sleep little, there would be more expenses, responsibilities and all that. It was difficult to understand what exactly to prepare for: if with one child this was even more or less clear, then twins introduced uncertainty. It was difficult for me to comprehend, for example, that we would lose so much mobility. If before my wife and I could take off and go somewhere next weekend, now each trip is planned for six months.

I guess I only fully realized that life had changed only 5-6 months after they were born. At first it seemed to me that all changes were temporary. It was as if lovely but very noisy relatives had come to live with us. Soon they will leave (or rather, grow up a little) and we will live as before. It seemed to me that this “as before” was generally possible. Children made me more careful about my decisions and my plans. My relationship with my wife, it seems to me, has acquired greater awareness, although initially it was difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that now most of the love and attention goes not to me, but to the children.

I had to sacrifice personal time and personal space. There were times when I looked forward to going to work as an opportunity to relax. At the same time, after work, I still always wanted to return to them as soon as possible. I think I began to appreciate Anya more, her dedication, patience, and initiative. She constantly muddies the waters, coming up with different activities and traditions for the family, and this brings people closer together. IN everyday life Of course, new habits also appeared. For example, we started watching TV series. Previously, it seemed to me that TV series were the province of housewives, but with small children this is an ideal opportunity to relax and switch gears in a short time.

Looking back, there is nothing I would have done differently. It seems to me that my full time as a parent has not yet come. Small children still relate more to women. A man can only help or not help her. Only now sleepless nights are finally becoming a thing of the past, and children are gradually starting to talk and explain their desires. I think that when they grow up, when I can communicate with them and teach them something, I will understand my fatherhood in a new way.

Kirill, Plato and Irina

IRINA SIETLOVA
28 years old, doctor

KIRILL SEATTLOV
26 years old, comedian
and producer
"The Tonight Show"

PLATO
1 year 4 months

During the child's night awakenings, we worked
as a team of special agents:
every movement, half glance - all in one connection

Two years ago, two weeks before positive test During my pregnancy, I signed a contract stipulating study and work in Germany for seven years. The tickets were purchased, the resignation letter was written, the visa documents were collected. The decision to move was not easy, and the news of pregnancy was shocking. My husband and I thought that children are not about us now, but after dissertations, buying our own home, years from now! Now it seems to me that we easily made the decision to refuse to move and surrendered to the flow of change. The pregnancy was easy and wonderful, I worked in the hospital almost until the birth and collected compliments. We traveled a lot that year, walked, hugged, breathed every day.

On last weeks we postponed shopping. We were warned that almost everything we needed was donated or transferred. It turned out that this is not about us. There were no young parents among our friends, so we bought almost everything ourselves and with great pleasure not long ago gave a whole car dowry to our pregnant friend.

There were no specific expectations; we, inspired by books for young parents, were ready to seize and enjoy every second. It seemed to me that the first months would be devoted to getting closer to my son, but in fact they were also about getting closer to my husband. Kirill was very helpful and supportive. During the child's night awakenings, we worked like a team of special agents - every movement, half-look, everything in a single connection. When my child was two months old, I was admitted to the hospital (he hit me with his finger in the eye and injured the cornea), my fantasies that in the spring and summer we would walk in the parks, and I would breastfeed the child in the shade of apple trees, dissipated. Kirill for two weeks, causing amazement to our parents and destroying stereotypes about dads running away from screaming babies, was with a two-month-old child. He says that he is even glad that this happened, and he unexpectedly became closer to our son Plato.

We had to move from the city center, where we lived in a pre-revolutionary house on Chistye Prudy: Plato developed a severe allergy to a fungus that lived in the walls of the house. We ended up in the hospital again, and then in a rented apartment. On the first evening in the new house, I burst into tears: everything was foreign, it looked worse than at home. Day after day, while walking in new places, the area began to settle down, new corners were found. I exhaled and surrendered to the changes, and they began to happen in an amazing way: Kirill began walking to work, our wonderful friends settled nearby, who soon also had a child, we began to spend time together even more often.

I had to forget about order in the apartment, especially in recent months. Previously, we were supporters of a minimum of things - and now we are rapidly becoming overgrown with them. There is less time, many things can no longer be done spontaneously: go on a visit late in the evening, go to the cinema right now, sleep half of Sunday and have breakfast around four on Pokrovka - we used to love this very much. We try to invite friends to visit, although many, in the old fashioned way, offer to meet in the center, but with a one-year-old child who is actively exploring the world, small cozy cafes with dense seating represent minefields. In general, the frequency of meetings has dropped.

My husband and I have become more sensitive towards each other, he has a project that takes up a lot of time, and sometimes his only day off, and I am very proud of him. I spend almost all the time during the day with my child. Kirill sometimes lets me go to the gym in the morning, unfortunately, these trips happen much less often than I would like. When Plato learned to sleep through the night (at about five months), I went to work at the hospital. Now I am on duty at night and on weekends if there are calls. At this time, Kirill remains with Platosha.

We know how to do everything related to caring for a baby and do both. Sometimes our parents come to visit us, we can go to the cinema or just be next to them, excitedly playing with their grandson. Now Platosha has become even more active, and ideally I would like to regularly order cleaning and farm products home. We have used different services several times, but we can’t afford it yet. I think that we will soon review the costs and implement it, the comfort is worth it.

If I could go back in time and change something, I would definitely trust outpatient pediatricians less. Unfortunately, their recommendations often contradict each other and modern guidelines. Therefore, I had to educate myself, and my medical education helped a lot with this. Otherwise, motherhood is a wonderful experience.

Pregnancy became a super project for me, which forced me to mobilize

When it suddenly became clear that we were having a baby, I was very scared. It seemed that he would put an end to all our calm cool life. Ira had no doubt at all that she had to give birth, and I never doubted Ira. Therefore, I closed my eyes to my fears and stepped into all this with her, as if into a new, exciting journey. Somewhere it is unclear where, without money and documents.

It's one thing to accept and love the idea of being a dad. And another thing is that the child does not fit into your current budget. Pregnancy became a super project for me, which forced me to mobilize. Before her, I was a free leaf. He got up late, could go somewhere with a stand-up, was among the most frequently performing comedians in Moscow, and could film something or watch TV series all day. my little money Together with Irina’s income, we had enough to live on. But in such a world there was nowhere to integrate a child, so the world had to be reassembled. From a leaf I began to turn into a pebble. For the first time in my life, I went to work, which I had to go to every day, and I got a salary. There was less free time, and I had to set priorities: where I definitely want to perform, and what can be neglected for the sake of time with Ira.

What was surprising was that these changes were initially perceived as sacrifices in favor of the child. Over time, it turned out that these were not sacrifices at all, but positive things that improved the quality of life. I now have fabulous job in the main Russian production company GoodStoryMedia, thanks to her I am revealing new sides as a comedian. The prospect of having a baby didn't just shift my career - it created my career. All my current victories and successes are projects on television or club parties- would have been impossible without the birth of Plato and Irina’s support. This growth culminated in my own "Kirill Seattle's Tonight Show" - which has been my dream since I started doing comedy. A couple of years ago it was like the moon, but now I am surrounded by a real film crew, a team of enthusiasts, we are making a television-level project.

I was always good with children, but I never particularly liked them. While waiting for Plato, we began to take a closer look at the children on the street: how old they are, what their character is, what their hair is, what their eyes are, what they can do. First you sort the children into parameters, like Cell phones. But the further you go, the more you realize that there is and will be your little pie in your stomach. And these children are also someone’s little pies, and they all need to be washed, fed and loved. And adults are just adults, but also someone’s pies. This gave a huge charge of compassion, empathy, tolerance and desire to understand people of a different age, gender and anything else.

Anna Krasnova
25 years old, TV journalist, photographer

Pavel Krasnov
25 years old, organizer of the poetry movement “Readers”

Demyan
6 months

I used to dream of jumping
with a parachute, and now I catch myself appearing
self-preservation

After Demyan’s birth, I waited a long time for a catch: when would the promised “tyrant” from the prophecies of those around him take away all my free time and sleep. But this did not happen in the first week, nor six months later. Perhaps we are just lucky: our son is almost always “zen”; he can independently think about great things with the air of a philosopher, and at the same time he does not always need an army of people around him, hooting at him and shaking rattles. But perhaps this is not just luck: I noticed a direct correlation between the nervousness of parents and their children.

Demyan is a pleasure to deal with: if he cries, there is a reason for it. There aren't many of them at this age yet - you can quickly guess what's going on. The most important change with the advent of a child is the feeling of oneself in life. Parenthood has had a noticeable impact on both my thinking and my instincts: if I used to dream of jumping with a parachute, now I find myself developing a sense of caution and a desire for self-preservation. Yes, I would not have decided to take this step as easily as before (I immediately felt shame for my cowardice, but I realized that, on the one hand, this is fear, on the other, it is love and there is no need to be shy).

Now I feel that my husband and I are a family, and not just a couple. And it was as if the birth of a son, and not a daughter, awakened in me a greater understanding of my husband. And in general, it’s as if, in general, men as a species have become more interesting objects for observation for me: I look more closely at boys of all ages, observe what interests them, and, as it were, spy on the opposite sex, imagining that one day my son will grow up too. The relationship with my parents also became deeper. I increasingly understand that my mom and dad were also young when they had me, just as confused and inexperienced, and what they gave and are still giving me.

We are lucky to have grandmothers. They are ready to sit with Demyan almost always, so we feel quite free: it was while on maternity leave that I began to film many times more and devote time to creative projects. This also happens because time is now worth its weight in gold. You spend less on Facebook and more on what really matters. I believe that in raising a child without healthy parental egoism there is no way: after all, only your own active example and with your life position you can truly influence him. This teaches him independence and creates partnerships.

We recently returned from Georgia: we went there when Demyan was four months old. My son handled the trip and all types of transport well. Many people do not risk going with their children to public places, for example in a cafe, but we found perfect solution: most often during the trip, Dyoma hung out right on the table, lying on his stomach next to the khachapuri - so he felt like he was part of the general movement, did not get capricious and caused only the most tender feelings. Many people believe that it is pointless to take children on trips, they say, they still don’t care where they kick their legs, as long as their mother is with them. secret weapon was nearby. But I completely disagree with this. It was on the trip that he had several breakthroughs in development, and upon his return it was no longer enough for him to just walk on the playground. Demyan clearly got a taste for it and began to demand changes in the landscape; a great greed for impressions awoke in him.

For all our openness with Pasha to adventures with Demyan, we understand that there are all sorts of no-go-zones where it is inappropriate to go with children. For example, we were at Bosco Fresh Fest and saw a lot of parents with strollers-cradles (these are the ones in which newborns move). But considering that in such a place the bass was torn chest Even as an adult, should I say what a newborn baby experienced?

There is less time
but we have become much more
appreciate it, plan it, try to carry it out
put it to good use

The birth of a child is a very emotionally charged event, probably the most vivid experience in my life. Therefore, it is extremely difficult to describe it in words, like first love or a flight into space. All my friends began endlessly asking “how is it?”, but any detailed comment will not allow you to feel “how it is” in reality. So I freed myself from long stories and when answering this question, I usually look him in the eye, smile and say, “Cool.”

I found the greatest changes primarily within myself. You begin to feel yourself in a new way, your priorities change, you understand that there is a cool guy (son) who can’t handle it at all without his parents. The paternal instinct instantly sprouts from your depths, becomes part of your personality, pushes you to protect and resolve issues. You immediately think: “Wow, I didn’t even know that I turn out to be like this... dad.” With the birth of a child the circle is completed. A person spends the first years of his life unconsciously; he seems to miss his birth. When you become a father, you have the opportunity to relive this episode and understand: “Yeah, that’s how it happened, my mom and dad fell in love, hop-hop, it started.” You recreate the picture and understand a little better who you are and where you are going. In a relationship with a woman, an invisible knot is tied and the connection is greatly strengthened. You are now forever connected, this is cooler than a stamp or a shared mortgage. Everything falls into place.

There is less time, but we began to value it much more, plan, and try to spend it usefully. I organize concerts and literary events, I also attract investments, I have a free schedule. After the birth of the child, it became clearer, I have a better idea of what I will do during the week. I know when we can go out for a walk together, when one of our grandmothers will help (oh glory to them!), and when I need to sit with my son myself.

I think we need to take a simpler approach to having and raising children. As my great-grandmother Yulia joked when I was born: “Why don’t we pour him a bowl of soup?” It is clear that we live in a progressive society and life is changing. On the other hand, there is really too much panic and paranoia around the topic of having children. The rabid egoism of people trying to prove something to someone with their children, to work out some of their complexes, is what creates a negative background around this topic.

A child is a big responsibility, but you don’t need to be a superman for this. You just need to love him. The child is yours creative project, endlessly deep and interesting. Everything I put into him, every smile, every story - it’s not in vain. There is no need to be afraid of this, but you should be mentally prepared.

Married couples expecting a baby understand that their lives will change dramatically after the birth of a child. However, not everyone understands exactly what changes await future parents. Unfortunately, in addition to moments of tenderness and pleasure in communicating with the little man, some couples also face a lot of negative emotions, which can even lead to a breakup. Let's try to figure out how your life will change after the addition to the family.

After the birth of a child in the family, in addition to adding new worries and responsibilities, the relationships between parents, as well as loved ones, relatives and friends, radically change. Some episodes of childless life return over time, while others remain in the past forever.

Some women (and men too) deliberately postpone the birth of a child until as late as possible, realizing that their way of life will change and because of this they will have to give up many familiar things. Of course, after the birth of the baby, the parents’ social circle will also change.

Relationships with friends and loved ones

The mother of a newborn baby devotes all her time and attention exclusively to him, often even to the detriment of her own health. Of course, there is neither the strength nor the desire left to go shopping and sales with a friend or go to a cafe. Sometimes a woman who lacks sleep due to night feedings and children's whims caused by intestinal colic begins to be annoyed by visits from friends, although she used to be distinguished by hospitality.

Especially if friends come to visit without prior approval and not on time. A sharp decrease in time spent communicating with friends leads to the appearance of alienation, which can increase over time. Your friend will communicate less with you, new acquaintances will appear in her life, and over time your paths will diverge. If you value your friendship, value your friends and don’t want to lose them, you need to take steps towards them, even if there is absolutely no time left for communication.

If a friend came to visit or called at the wrong time, you need to politely explain to her why you cannot communicate with her now and be sure to offer to call or meet later. Moreover, the initiator of the next contact should be the young mother. This will show your friends that they are significant and dear to you, but for all obvious reasons you cannot devote as much time to them now as before.

After the birth of the child, the wife’s relationship with her husband deteriorated

If your friends still move away, don’t panic, don’t be afraid to be alone for the rest of your life. Everything in this world flows, everything changes, some people disappear from life, others appear in their place. Perhaps you will make new acquaintances among mothers with whom you communicate in the yard or in the park while walking with your child, and you can become strong friends with some of them. Moreover, you will find a lot of them common interests, such as raising and caring for a child, family relationships, diets and sports to restore your figure.

Relationships between spouses

Statistics show that relationships between spouses most often deteriorate during the first year after the birth of a baby. This is caused by many reasons, the main ones being:

psychological unwillingness of parents to change their usual way of life;
everyday difficulties;
deterioration of sexual relationships;
financial difficulties.

Families who are very responsible in preparing for future motherhood and fatherhood understand in advance most of the problems that they will have to face in the future. Therefore, in such families, spouses think in advance about how they can help their other half during the difficult postpartum time. Men show patience and sensitivity towards the young mother, and women try to support and thank their husbands for their understanding and help. In such families, the birth of a baby further strengthens mutual understanding, love and respect between parents.

Unfortunately, such a picture is observed quite rarely. More common situations are when mutual reproaches and dissatisfaction arise in a family due to food not being prepared on time, the apartment not being cleaned, or the trash can not being taken out. Instead of an evening match or series, parents are faced with diapers, bathing, formula milk and bottle sterilization, which can also cause irritation and mutual misunderstanding.

The atmosphere becomes even more tense if the child does not sleep well and is constantly capricious. Besides objective reasons, causing crying and whims of the baby, such as intestinal colic, lack of milk in the process of establishing lactation, there are also subjective factors. In the first months after birth, the baby has a very close psycho-emotional connection with the mother.

The slightest anxiety, nervousness or worries are immediately transferred to the child, which is why he begins to visible reasons be capricious, causing mom even more anxiety.

It turns out to be a kind of vicious circle - than more mom worried about baby crying, the more nervous the baby becomes. In such situations, the intervention of the father or someone close to him can help, who can babysit the baby for a while while the mother calms down and rests.

How to cope with postpartum depression on your own

Sometimes men are jealous of their wives for their own children, since they are the ones who receive all their mother’s attention and care. You just have to endure such a period; literally after two or three months the baby will no longer require every minute care and observation, he can be left in the care of relatives or dad. How more woman will entrust her husband to take care of the baby, the faster the father will establish emotional contact with the child, awareness of the fact of paternity will appear, and responsibility will increase. Of course, you shouldn’t abuse this so that a man doesn’t develop negative attitude to the child as a burden.

Since in the period after the birth of a baby a man often remains the sole breadwinner, then financial position family life at this time becomes much more complicated. During this period, mother should be more attentive to expenses, make only the most necessary purchases, do not purchase unnecessary trinkets. Moreover, you cannot demand that your husband change his job in order to increase wages or find a part-time job.

At this time, a man is very worried about providing for his family, and the additional risk associated with changing jobs will negatively affect both his well-being and family relationships. A woman needs to support her man at such times, to thank him for helping her with household chores and babysitting after a hard day at work.

Feeling the support and gratitude of his wife, a man will do everything in his power to ensure that his family lives in prosperity, comfort and well-being.

Every family after the birth of a child faces certain difficulties in intimate life. Availability birth injuries, increased fatigue, restructuring hormonal levels the body is sharply reduced sexual desire with a young mother. The man, in turn, perceives this as a cooling of feelings, a loss of interest in himself on the part of his wife.

Sometimes a man’s attitude towards his wife changes, especially if after pregnancy and childbirth she has excess weight and folds on the stomach and thighs. To solve these problems, time is needed, during which spouses should be more attentive to each other, care about their partner’s feelings and help him in every possible way.

A woman's attitude towards herself

Some women are so absorbed in caring for their newborn baby that they completely stop paying attention to their health and appearance. As a result, in addition to the circles under the eyes from lack of sleep, the mother has an incomprehensible hairstyle, undyed, regrown hair roots, and clothes of the wrong size. Of course, such appearance will not cause respect for a woman either from neighbors and relatives, or from her husband.

A woman who does not respect and value herself will never be in demand or respected by anyone.