Love is the most amazing and incomprehensible feeling. Logic is difficult to understand, you just need to accept the heart. We are all waiting for love, one and forever. The one about which books are written, pictures are drawn and films are made. And then, for some reason, we begin to look for flaws, throw tantrums and doubt: “Is this love?” Ta, you just need to be patient, strong and clearly aware that love has stages of development.

"Love at first sight" has yet to develop into love.

So far, there is only a look, interest, a flash, “butterflies in the stomach” and goosebumps. But this is not love yet, this is sympathy, passion and desire to possess.

True love must be built, developed, protected and created. Just like that, only passion is given, which simply disappears after a few months.

People are complex and everyone is different. When meeting, a guy and a girl, first of all, want to possess each other, and then they make every effort to bend their partner under them. After all, each of them is sure that he must be reckoned with, listen to him and live the way he lives. The second person is completely different. Therefore, he also bends his partner under him. A little time, and now two lovers become conflicted persons who are thinking of running away. He was not the one, and she was not the one at all. Why? Because both decided to drop the idea of ​​building love and start from scratch.

A strong relationship is not a constant and a frozen axiom, it is a sea with different moods.

People change under the influence of changing relationships.

They wander in psychological and spiritual world. Love loves to test, but the soul needs to be tempered. This is not “be patient, fall in love”, as we were taught in childhood. It will never be endured if everything started without “butterflies in the stomach”.

Love never goes away if it's true love. But the flower-bouquet period - yes. Or rather, the stage that bears such a name.

Eternal honeymoon only happens in books. But even the book has an end. But this does not mean that romance and passion will disappear.

Many couples break up because they think that their quarrels and conflicts are something abnormal, that they are losing love and mutual understanding. In fact, their relationship is “growing up”, and they are facing a stage of mutual and eternal love.

You need to learn to accept every step of love with gratitude and move forward in order to create a strong family.

What are these stages (stages)? How should one behave, what should one do in order to reach “eternal” love through many crises?

There are three global states:

1. Honeymoon;
2. lapping;
3. Love.

In fact, there are many more steps. We'll stop at seven. Just do not forget that all people are unique, therefore, relationships develop according to their own unique scenarios. But, nevertheless, the general stages can be distinguished. Some couples manage to “skip through” some stages, “get stuck” on others, and “not survive” to the third.

Candy-bouquet period

A "honeymoon" can last one month, or maybe a couple of years. This is the most fabulous and magical period.

People meet and fly to another planet. They withdraw from the whole world and enjoy intimacy. They do not need anyone, they are all distracted and annoying. Everyone except each other.

They have little touches, kisses, hugs. They crave to possess each other constantly, all 24 hours a day. They can't breathe each other. A man and a woman enjoy so much that everything seems perfect to them: voice, eyes, laughter, hands, shoulders. They are like gods to each other. They have no flaws, everything is fine. She is gentle and he is strong. He gives her flowers, and she faithfully kisses him on the temple. Compliments flow like water, and sex is more necessary than bread and water.

As you understand, this is the first stage, which means that before true love, you still have to swim and swim in the sea of ​​feelings, on which there may be calm, or maybe a storm. It is foolish to think that the euphoria of the first stage will last a lifetime. On the other hand, you don't need to.

The first stage is good for everyone, except that there is no true love but there is a desire to possess.

Your half is not a thing. You can have a new car and a new dress. And you need to love your half, be able to give yourself and put the interests of your partner above your own.

At the first stage, you should not immediately run to the registry office or have children. Wait, live through the next stages, and then make your choice.

Oversaturation

If you really like strawberries, then after tasting 10 kg per day, you will definitely earn allergies and soreness. Overeating is bad, but how can you stop at the first stage? Want to take a break from your partner? Do you want to run away to your friends and be without a soul mate for a while? This is fine. You have just reached the next stage.

Rest a bit and again want your “strawberries”. At this stage, you need to move away a little from the source of love. Just a little, just physically spend less time with him.

Remember that you haven’t called your parents for a long time, “scored” on household chores, and at work the boss is already looking askance. The main thing is not to think that love passes. She is getting stronger. At this stage, you can already devote half to your affairs, open your soul and often close your body.

This is an obligatory, necessary and inevitable step before reaching the apogee of Love. Often people disagree at the third stage of “rejection” and say that “everyday life ate love”. Yes, this is not life, but you yourself.

This stage is filled with total misunderstanding of each other. Suddenly it turns out that the partner begins to do everything wrong, to say the wrong thing, to act differently than before.

A man and a woman "breaking the chain" begin to see only each other's shortcomings and concentrate on them. Most easy way- run away. This is what the weak do, those who want to make their whole life a bouquet and candy period. The period of "sweets" will last, only the defendants will change. And as a result, what? Nearby there will be someone longing for the body and superficial relationships, and in the soul there will be emptiness and a feeling of loneliness.

In the Vedas, the first three stages belong to the lowest level. People who have love relationship end with the final of the third stage are limited and primitive. These people do not meet true love and they spend their lives chasing affordable prey.

Primitive people start from this stage and go into new connections with the same set of emotions, and with the same level of development.

Certainly, easier for a man say another “love” set of standard compliments, and a woman seduce a man with a jagged pose and standard shooting eyes. It's like learning a few tricks and showing them to different audiences to loud applause. Do you want to be a “big top” on wheels and give concerts in the villages? Leave at this stage.

Patience

Survivors of the third stage are given a respite. Quarrels and conflicts occur, but they are not so violent and frequent.

Partners understand that it makes no sense to scandal, because they will still be together. They begin to show tenderness, care, more than a thirst to prove their case.

If both partners make every effort to build their “temple of love”, then patience and understanding will come as if by itself, and wisdom will follow.

Trust and respect

This stage can be called the beginning of love. Yes, yes, there was no true love until the fifth step.

Partners who have acquired wisdom, who have survived the typhoons of scandals, truly respect and appreciate each other.

We can say that they have already experienced so much that now they can walk together hand in hand. Trust each other completely, care, support, be faithful and truly love.

In most cases, there are several main stages in a relationship, each of which is characterized by different problems and situations. Perhaps in a relationship you could skip some of the stages. It can sometimes be difficult to determine which stage you are in right now, but each of the stages is an opportunity to explore your compatibility and commitment to each other. Whether you're in a new relationship or building a serious long-term relationship, you need to take the time to understand what stage you and your partner are in right now.

Steps

Assessing the New Relationship

Consider how young your relationship is. Early stages Relationships are characterized by a strong passion for the person and spending time together. Notice if you still ask your partner what he likes and dislikes? About his hobbies, interests, beliefs? Pay attention to whether you appreciate personal qualities partner to see if you are compatible. You may be evaluating whether you are comfortable enough together to continue this relationship. For example, you may be asking yourself:

• Is this person caring and friendly enough?
• Is my partner bossy and rude?
• Does this person have a habit of constantly getting upset and giving up?
• Is this person fun?

1. Pay attention to how much you concentrate on sexual desire. Think about whether you idealize your partner, are you easily excited at the thought of him, do you often think about him? If you can't really understand his flaws, chances are you're still in the romance stage. You may be experiencing these physical signs attraction when your partner enters the room:

   • redness;
   • trembling in the hands;
   • cardiopalmus;
   • weakness and faintness.

2. Watch out for attempts to impress this person. Ask yourself if you are trying to be perfect, are you neglecting any of your habits to please this person, are you trying to flatter him and flirt with him? If so, chances are you're still in the infatuation stage, where the focus is on producing good impression and strengthen the bond between you. You will be very turned on and excited by his attention, so you will try your best not to make a mistake.

   Consider whether you have made commitments in this relationship. If you spend more and more time together, feel more comfortable with this person, try to get to know your partner even closer, then you are at the stage of rapprochement. At this stage, you will get to know what this person really is, as well as assess your compatibility with him on a deeper level. Ask yourself a few questions about your partner:

   • How much does he understand how to comfort and support you?
   • Does he trust you? Does he feel comfortable being honest with you?
   • Does he respect your family and your friends?
   • Does he understand your sense of humor?

3. Pay attention to your expectations. As your relationship develops, you and your partner will have certain expectations of each other. These expectations can vary, so they can affect how long your relationship lasts. If you are more attentive to each other's expectations and needs, you will be able to move from the stage of infatuation to the stage of the "post-candy-bouquet" period, which is already closer to true love. Think about the following things:

   • How do you like to spend free time(with friends or together)?
   • How much alone time do you need?
   • Who pays the bill when you go out together?
   • How much physical contact and touch do you need?

   Evaluation of existing relationships

   1. Consider whether you accept your partner's shortcomings. Do you know about the shortcomings and oddities of this person? If yes, then you are at the stage of true love, in which you no longer look at your partner through pink glasses, but you notice things in him or in his behavior that begin to annoy you. It's okay - each of us has our shortcomings. Your partner also begins to notice your weaknesses. It is important to find out for yourself whether you can put up with these shortcomings.

   2. Observe how you deal with conflicts and misunderstandings. As soon as you start to communicate on a more intimate level, you have arguments and disagreements. If you are willing to compromise and think about your partner and your relationship with him first, then you are moving to the stage Serious relationships where understanding comes first. Disagreements are inevitable, but you can learn how to build a dialogue. For this:

      • listen carefully to each other;
      • do not judge or blame each other;
      • ask for an explanation;
      • paraphrase or repeat some of your partner's words to show that you are listening carefully
      • Discuss difficult and painful topics, such as hurt feelings.

   3. Decide on the level of trust. Ask yourself, are you giving each other what you need? The success of building a relationship depends on whether you can trust each other. If both of you go out of your way and listen to each other's needs instead of getting angry and denying what your partner needs, then you're in the contentment stage. To assess your level of trust, consider whether you can:

      • put yourself in a vulnerable position, share with your partner your problems and insecurities on some issues;
      • be willing to understand your partner's feelings;
      • control anger, jealousy, or possessiveness.
   4. • Is your partner trying to grow with you?
      • Does he have similar views on family and marriage as you?
      • Does he want to set goals with you and achieve them?

   5. Pay attention to whether you are ready for a life together. During the Satisfaction and Marriage Stages, you will face new challenges, and your relationship will need to come first. You also realize that you and your partner need to distance yourself from each other sometimes, while at the same time you will work on changes in your lifestyle, because now you have become a team. At this stage, you will need to discuss new roles and rules about:

      • pet establishments;
      • moving or buying a home;
      • weddings or engagements;
      • general finance.

   Assessing how serious the relationship is

   1. Work in a team. Pay attention to whether you continue to make commitments, whether you are loyal to each other. Relationships require permanent job and support, even if you know each other well and have been together for a long time. At a more mature stage of love, you will realize that:

      • you count on each other;
      • keep promises;
      • feel comfortable in the new role and with the new responsibilities that you have set for each other;
      • Don't be afraid to reach out to your partner when you're trying to deal with a situation.

   2. Pay attention to boredom. After you've been on stage for a while strong relationship and the romance is almost gone, it's hard to know if you're still happy in this relationship. Think about how often you feel bored or frustrated about your relationship with your partner. If this is the case, your relationship is most likely stagnant.

      • Make time for something interesting and fun.
      • Do something active together.
      • Be open to new pursuits.
      • Do something that both of you enjoy.
      • Avoid overly competitive activities.

   3. Try to anticipate your partner's needs and desires. At the stage of a serious relationship, partners know each other well, so they can predict what each of them may need in difficult times. By taking care of your partner's needs before they ask you to, you can show your love every day.

      • For example, if you know your partner has had a difficult day, prepare dinner yourself and clean up the house by the time your partner gets home. If you feel that your girlfriend is having difficulties, give her the opportunity to spend an evening with her friends, let her know that she should not feel guilty for not inviting you to this party. Let her just enjoy the rest.
      • If you're not sure what your partner needs, just talk to him. Sit next to him and ask him what he needs, what he expects from a relationship. Don't interrupt him or make excuses. Then it will be your turn.

   4. Pay attention to whether you make time for your relationship. If you already have kids and/or a job, it will be difficult to maintain a healthy, stable, and happy relationship because of the many other things you have to do and your new roles. Pay attention to whether you have become busier, whether you have begun to spend more time with children or work, spending less time with each other. If this is the case, most likely you have entered the stage of stagnation, then you need to:

      • Express gratitude to your partner. You can say, “Thank you for making me coffee this morning. You are much better at this than I am, so I saved a lot of time! I love that you do this for me."
      • Express affection. Know what your partner likes and surprise him with it! It can be just a hug, the words "I love you", a card or flowers.
      • Listen carefully to your partner. Take at least 20 minutes a day for each other to listen to what happened in each of your lives that day. Don't try to suggest solutions or judge, just listen and be there.

   5. Follow the feeling of respect. If you continue to treat your partner with respect, even if you disagree with their opinion, then you are at the stage of a serious relationship. You will be able to accept your partner for who he is (with his mistakes and so on). At this stage, you will learn how to manage your expectations about your partner. If you fail (or conflict situations everything is growing between you), consult a psychologist.

      • Violence is an abnormal and unacceptable way to resolve conflicts at any stage of a relationship. Seek help from a psychologist or law enforcement if your partner is being too violent or abusive.
   • In the later stages of the relationship, as you focus on work, children, and other responsibilities, don't forget to develop your relationship with your partner.
   • If you're struggling with a communication problem, lack of trust, or general dissatisfaction in a relationship, see a therapist.
   • Try to think rationally in the initial romantic stages of a relationship - you may look at your partner through rose-colored glasses, so you may not notice many of the problems and warning signs that others will see.
   • You shouldn't go public with the fact that you're dating someone until you're sure of the status of your relationship.
   • Ask for help and take care of your safety if disputes and conflicts become too aggressive, if there is an element of physical violence. You don't have to stay in this relationship!
   • Let your partner feel that you care about him; kiss him goodbye.

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Female-male relations are a process that takes up most of the life and time of almost every person living in society. Socially acceptable and approved is the behavior of a person aimed at finding a partner to create a family. However, not everyone and far from immediately manages to create a harmonious happy family. By 2016, in the Russian Federation, the number of divorces in relation to the number of marriages reached more than 50%.

In this article, I would like to analyze the stages of development of relations, because in my opinion, the impossibility or unwillingness to move from one stage to another is one of the main reasons for the breakdown of relations.

The Black Queen said to Alice: "Here, you know, you have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place."

Wikipedia cites the Black Queen Hypothesis, which states: "Regarding the evolutionary system, a species needs constant change and adaptation in order to maintain its existence in the surrounding biological world, constantly evolving with it." Simply put: life is in motion and everything needs development, and the absence of changes is equal to degradation. That is why relationships must constantly be in a state of development, and stagnation leads to a breakdown in relationships. For relationships, an indicator of development is a timely transition from one stage to another.

Let's look at these stages.

1. Stage of falling in love.

At this stage, the most romantic urges of lovers appear. Also, it is called the candy-bouquet period. At the stage of falling in love, partners tend to idealize each other, everything seems magical, sublime and easy. Lovers do not notice problems and shortcomings in each other. The abundant release of hormones into the blood, inherent in this stage, pushes romantic deeds, some of which, at first glance, look insane. The idealization of each other by partners is also manifested in the fact that lovers tend to give partners qualities that they do not really have.

Often at this stage, sexual relations. The stage of falling in love is characterized by a riot of feelings, colors and emotions, a person feels great. This stage lasts from 1 to 2.5-3 months (the numbers do not claim to be mathematically accurate). After this stage, the level of emotions decreases slightly, the pink veil gradually subsides, and partners begin to see flaws in each other.

Having completed long term relationship, one man every month and a half came to the company of his friends with new girl. It is difficult to pinpoint exactly why he did it. However, we can safely put forward a hypothesis that he had no desire to move to the next stage of the relationship, and he, just starting to see flaws in his chosen one, changed her to a new one, again plunging into the whirlpool of feelings and emotions, characteristic of the stage of falling in love. Since the first problems in the relationship inevitably begin at the next stage, and for this man, apparently, these problems over the years of a serious relationship have become difficult to bear.

2. Stage of acceptance.

After the level of emotions characteristic of the first stage has subsided, the relationship moves on to the next stage. Partners become visible to each other's shortcomings, there is a need to agree on something, give in somewhere, put up with something, the first quarrels arise. This stage is the first difficulty in a relationship, the first test. Not everyone passes it.

At this stage, there is future basis strong, serious relationships - the ability to compromise. It is important to understand that a compromise is not an account: here I gave in to you, for this you give in to me. The desire for compromise should come from the urge to establish relationships, develop them further, and not from the desire for personal gain. Nevertheless, compromise is a mutual phenomenon, one cannot only give, one must also receive in return.

If there is no compromise in the relationship, most likely a situation will arise when one partner begins to push through the other (of course, one can assume the existence perfect couple, where partners understand each other perfectly, but this is rather a myth) and this will end in quarrels and a break.

So, having a more meaningful (compared to the stage of falling in love) look, seeing the partner’s shortcomings and his own, making the first attempts to agree, perhaps having gone through the first quarrels, a person must answer the question: does he accept his partner or not.

In my understanding, acceptance is as follows. The person says to himself: “Yes, I see my partner more deeply, I know about his shortcomings, he knows about mine, we are ready to negotiate in order to try to avoid quarrels and breaks, I have feelings for him and am ready to develop relationships.” If such acceptance is mutual, then, in my opinion, the partners are ready to move on to the next stage of the relationship.

3. Cohabitation.

Perhaps the most controversial stage. In my opinion, it should last from three months to one year. It is especially rejected by representatives of the Soviet generation of people, where living together without a stamp in the passport was socially disapproved. However, in my opinion, this is a very important stage in the development of any relationship. Of course, based on romantic moods, this stage can be called a calculation, but it is better, as they say, to measure seven times, and then cut.

The famous poet, Vladimir Mayakovsky (Soviet, by the way) wrote about a love boat that crashed into everyday life. Although this phrase has already been ridden out, it is she who characterizes this stage of the relationship best of all. Let's imagine an elementary situation. After the stage of acceptance ("yes, this is my man, I'm ready / ready to work on relationships"), the lovers get married and after the wedding they go on their first joint vacation. This is most likely a hotel where you do not have to cook, clean, wash, iron, etc. After a happy first vacation, the newlyweds return to their usual life, where the same notorious life awaits them. Every family has its own rules. cohabitation. Both in his family and in hers. And so He and She meet together in their own family and each of them, which is quite, logically, transfers the rules of his parental family to his newly-made family (“we have breakfast at 09:00 and whoever is late for breakfast skips it”, “until the man gets up from the table, no one else because of him he doesn’t get up”, “every Sunday we go to church”, etc.). What is the probability that these rules match? Minimum.

Accordingly, that the spouses have to create the rules of their own family, which is not easy. This topic is certainly worth a separate article, but it was important to provide these introductory notes. So, in my opinion, it is very important to try it on yourself before the wedding and stamp in the passport. After all, it often happens that the desired joint rules can not be found, quarrels arise and relationships come to naught. Let it happen before marriage. After all, the status of a divorced person does not add whists in society, especially for a girl.

Working in the field of recruitment, I very often came across questionnaires of applicants in which in the section " Family status" was listed as "divorced". Literally every third questionnaire. It seems to me that disagreements in everyday life are one of the main reasons for divorce.

In addition, one should not forget about such an important and also worthy of a separate article characterization of relations as sexual compatibility. One client complained at an individual consultation that she does not feel like having sex with her husband as often as he wants (every other day), and once a week is enough for her. It is best to find out about the existence of these problems before marriage, because under the influence of social messages (“be patient, fall in love”, “divorced? So something is wrong with her”), people often prefer to stay in marriage, dooming themselves to an unhappy life, especially having a child.

The Destiny.ru portal presents the results of a study on whether it is worth living together before marriage. Here are some excerpts:

• People who decide to live together without visiting the registry office will most likely never reach it. 50% of such couples break up after living together. This is because the partner will strive to find a "suitable" person for himself, without flaws.
• People who lived in a civil marriage, but decided to legalize the marriage, fled after several years of marriage.
• Couples who decide to live together before marriage have no obligations to each other. Marriage, on the other hand, obliges a person, and brings relationships to a level higher than love.

One of my acquaintances lived before the wedding with his girlfriend for 8 (!) years, and as a result, their wedding did not take place due to constant quarrels and reproaches. Relationships constantly need development, this is one of the basic principles building happy relationship.

4. Wedding and children.

After the stage of living together, it is logical to assume marriage as the next stage. It is necessary to make a reservation that I am considering " classic version"The development of events and I by no means insist that everything should happen this way for all couples. I fully admit that some couples may stop at the stage of cohabitation and not want to get married and have children.

However, most people want offspring, again, in addition to biological conditioning, this process is socially approved. By the way, questions that are probably familiar to many (“When will you get a girl / boyfriend?”, “When will you get married / get married?”, “When will the child appear?”) And these questions go in the order of the development of the stages of relationships, according to my theory. For many at this stage of the relationship, the question arises of how soon after marriage to give birth to a child. I don't think there is a definitive answer, and there can't be.

If we leave out the couples who got married after the future wife became pregnant, then there is often a picture in which a child is born about a year after marriage. Logically, now the young have a new one social status "new family"and they are expanding this family. It happens that newlyweds are in no hurry with offspring due to different reasons(the desire for material stability - "getting on your feet", the desire to "live for yourself", travel, education, etc.) I consider it right to leave this "at the mercy" of the newly-made family, as well as, by the way, the very question of conception.

So, the creation of offspring is, firstly, a biologically determined process (the prolongation of the genus is one of the basic instincts inherent in all living beings), and secondly, socially approved. Based on this, most couples seek to produce offspring into the world. Unfortunately (I mentioned this above), many couples end their relationship both before and after marriage. And, again, unfortunately, the situation is widespread incomplete families.

There is a stereotype in society that a woman should give birth before the age of thirty, otherwise, allegedly, there may be problems during childbirth, and as a result, the child will have "old" parents. This devastating message leads to many couples being in young age want to give birth as soon as possible.

Often this happens at the romantic stage, when, as we remember, the eyes are clouded and the partner’s shortcomings are not visible, or the stage of living together is skipped and the couple is corroded by a joint life, aggravated by raising a child (it may sound rude, but in fact this is a very difficult test, suffice it to recall though would sleepless nights parents).

Therefore, I believe that the process of childbearing should be approached meaningfully. First, you need financial support. future family, secondly, the acceptance by the newlyweds of each other, and thirdly, an agreement to conduct a joint life. Of course, there must be a desire to give birth to a child, and not because "I'm soon thirty" and "mother wants to babysit her grandson."

By the way, there is also the opposite situation, when the mother future mother young enough and does not want to become a grandmother. She can in every possible way, albeit not directly, dissuade her daughter from pregnancy. I know a family where a forty-year-old grandmother, communicating with her grandson, asks to be called by her name, and not grandmother. A difficult test for the psyche of a child.

5. The "empty nest" stage.

Having stepped over an impressive segment of a couple's life, which includes the upbringing of children, their social adaptation, we move to last stage development of relations - the stage of the "empty nest". While this may not be easy for some parents to accept, all children eventually grow up and it is their turn to start a family and leave home. For many, this is a real blow and it is not surprising, because more than a dozen years pass from the moment of birth to leaving home, and this is very long term and people get used to living together, with their families, to experience pleasant and not so pleasant moments together, to help each other.

In the process of learning, I came across very interesting arguments from my Teacher and Mentor Ekaterina Kryukova about children and parents. I'll retell it in my own words. How can children thank their parents for the gift of life? Neither material aid, neither respect and reverence can be an equivalent gratitude, a response. Or, perhaps, only the creation of his own family. Makes you think, doesn't it? A very beautiful, evolutionarily conditioned postulate. Let's add to it my reasoning about the basic instinct and social approval of offspring and we get the absolute naturalness and necessity of this process.

However, this does not negate the pain of loss that parents may experience, from whom their children leave. There are many recommendations that are designed to help parents during this difficult time (be more attentive to each other, come up with joint hobbies, get a pet, etc.)

Some parents, frankly, can't handle it. Many are familiar with the situation in which a mother devotes too much time and attention to her daughter and her own family, the latter failing to build with such parental participation. Tips, calls, meetings, it's all in in large numbers is present and serves only one purpose - not to let its "nest" become empty.

Of course, in most cases this is done absolutely unconsciously, but the fact remains and the daughter has a very difficult time. Do not communicate, go to another city usually does not help, in this case a sort of psychological "cutting of the umbilical cord" is necessary. It is necessary to psychologically break the connection with the mother in order to build your own family, independent in all respects. It can be very difficult, but it is necessary for a healthy development of events. I emphasize that we are talking about the psychological process, which does not provide for the rupture of relations, as such. Certainly it is very voluminous theme, which should be given separate consideration.

Conclusion.

In developmental psychology, it is generally accepted that human aging is a stage personal development, albeit one that imposes certain restrictions. You can transfer this hypothesis to relationships in a couple. Few people manage to carry their relationships through life and from this how valuable those that last for decades become.

In this article, I talked about female-male relationships, based on own experience, observations and psychological knowledge.

What stages in the development of relationships do a man and a woman go through, and what determines how positive this experience will be? Read about it in the article.

When a child is born, he is already learning to build relationships with other people. The baby may seem passive, but it is not. He announces himself with a cry, and then with a smile, laughter, the first words. Parents react to the child in one way or another. So the little man learns how they treat him, what he is, beloved and desired or annoying and capricious?

Exactly at family we get the first experience of relations with significant others. First it's adults - m ama and dad. Then the inner circle - relatives and Friends. Then the child grows up and on example of the relationship of parents to each other friend learns about how men and women interact woman in couple, in family. Examples from close environment, films, memorable stories leave their mark on what will be the relationship this person in adult life- successful and satisfying or destructive.

Age is an important milestone. 3-6 years old. This is the stage of the relationship between parents and children, when the child is drawn to parent of the opposite sex and explores relationships with him. The girl is watching the way mom communicates with dad and adopts part of this model of behavior. That does the same and boy.

So what affects relations in couple:

1. How parents and close associates treated the child.
2. How did parents and family interact with each other?
3. Social and family stereotypes about relationships (“all men cheat”, “the main thing is that the wife knows how to cook”).
4. Vivid and memorable stories from films, stories or from the experience of close circle (grandfather left his grandmother and went to his young wife).

There are many theories that say that growing up, a girl finds a man who looks like her dad. And the boy is a woman who looks like her mother. This is partly true. It is important to understand that we choose a partner with whom we can experience familiar feelings. Most often these are feelings from childhood. If a child is constantly told that he is an "idiot" or "stupid", then self-esteem will be at the appropriate level. It will be difficult for such a person to create equal relationship built on respect. If from childhood we receive care, support and love, then in adulthood we will enter into such relationships. If we were too patronized and controlled, then, becoming a husband or wife, we ourselves attract a partner who will control us.

There are other stories as well. When a parent was so perfect, or was deliberately idealized (of a deceased or absent father), it is difficult to find a "suitable" partner, because he constantly falls short of the ideal. More important point is the first strong love or first sexual experience. When a partner is somewhat similar to our first love, and with him we can experience familiar feelings from our childhood that we experienced in the family, then, most likely, we say about such a person: “Like a magnet”, “I fell in love” .

It happens that a person chooses from the contrary. Let's say that in the family the father drank, and the girl says: "I will never marry a man like my father." This happens, but only if the trauma has been processed. Most often it happens that the husband turns out to be addicted - not necessarily an alcoholic, he can be a workaholic. Therefore, it is important not to deny, but to learn to experience other feelings if they were negative in childhood. You can look for a resource in close relatives - often grandmothers, aunts or uncles, grandfathers, brothers or sisters give a lot of support and warmth.

Of course, we can now translate the word "love" into the language of biochemistry, but we will not do this. The most important - it is important to understand that if you grew up in a loving and supportive family, separated from your parents, then adult partnerships will also be happy for you. If as a child you had to experience a lot negative emotions, then remember that you can rebuild your scripts on your own or with the help of a psychologist.

Read the "right" books. For example, “When there is too much love” by V. Moskalenko, “Toxic parents” by F. Susan, literature on codependency. Communicate on forums, go to trainings where you will be taught to love yourself, and not manipulate your partner. Take care of yourself, learn to have positive feelings and enjoy them. Get out of a relationship that doesn't suit you. Of course, this is easy to write about, but in practice such work turns out to be difficult and painful, but in the end it's worth it.

What are the stages of a relationship for a couple in love?

Relationship stages of a couple

Let's talk directly about the stages of relationships that absolutely any couple goes through. I note that different scientists, theorists and practitioners describe different classifications, but in fact everything can be reduced to 5 points.

First stage

It is called differently: love, romance, passion, "rose-colored glasses." During this period, people become attractive to each other, a strong attraction begins, you want to be close, touch each other, talk, share interesting and important things.

Relations on early stage Usually people characterize this stage with the words: “I am drawn to him / her”, “I constantly think about him / her”, “we correspond or chat on the phone all day long”. The stage is filled with dates, meetings. It is also called "candy-bouquet period". A man and a woman do not see each other's shortcomings, they strongly idealize their partner. It seems like it will last forever.

Of course, this cannot go on for long. Approximately 3 months. This stage is short, it requires a lot of resources, effort and time, as the former interests may fade into the background. Sexual relations often begin at this stage.

People always remember this stage with warmth, miss it, want to revive it with an already permanent or with a new partner. Indeed, during the period of falling in love, we get a lot positive emotions associated with hormonal changes in our body. There is a "novelty" effect. Here we can give advice: enjoy such a period, enjoy it, stay in "rose-colored glasses", but do not rush to make decisions that are really important for you. First, take a sober look at your partner.

Another important note for those who want to constantly return to this stage of the relationship or skipped this stage in the development of their sexuality. lingering candy-bouquet periods often happen to schoolchildren and young people, and then it is important to catch up. You may not be able to reach a new mature level of relationship where there is no place for momentary emotions, but there is depth and another degree of pleasure.

Second stage

Rejection, acceptance, confrontation with reality, differentiation. Three cherished months of love and "pink glasses" pass, hormonal background stabilizes and people face reality. They begin to see their partner's shortcomings. It is very important to understand that this is indeed a stage that everyone goes through. You are not unique. Most importantly, a person can say: "How did I not notice before." Disappointment can set in at this stage of a relationship.

But, of course, if in a relationship two mature person, they are able to survive this stage with minimal losses. Only children believe in ideal people(ideal parents). Adult man and woman see and understand that shortcomings are inevitable. And here it is important to make an informed decision. If the advantages greatly outweigh the disadvantages, if you are drawn to a person, then the relationship can be continued. It is important to take a break and wait a little, after strong feelings a decline is coming. You just need to wait and look at your partner with calmness, as if from the outside. Ask yourself the question: “Am I ready to put up with these shortcomings?”. If so, then you can continue the relationship and monitor their development.

Third stage

This is the stage of conflicts, confrontations, quarrels. This is one of the most difficult stages in the development of a relationship. It is important to remember that there are two different person, conflict of interests and needs is inevitable. It is important how the couple reacts to the first strong quarrel, dispute or misunderstanding. It is at this stage that the true rapprochement of people occurs. There are no longer so many illusions, the couple survived the stage of aggression together. A man and a woman were able to agree and see that the presentation of anger in an adequate form does not alienate them from each other. After all, only with close people can we be who we are, and this is really very important for stable partnerships. Do not be afraid to clarify the relationship, because in family life there will be many controversial situations, and now is the time to see how you know how to resolve conflicts.

Fourth stage

Love, togetherness, interdependence. At this stage, people are already beginning to build relationships, a man and a woman have general plans, they are discussing a joint future. Passion persists, she lives about 3-5 years usually during this period people create a family, have children.

Fifth stage

The last stage may not come, it includes the stages of family life, but this is a topic for another article.

Of course, in real life stages can take different time. People can linger in one of the stages and not move to another. Whatever the stage of the relationship between you and your partner, it is very important to remember that it is better to move towards each other gradually, step by step. Talk, study each other, learn gradually. Then there is more chance that the relationship will be satisfactory. Remember that our childhood and previous experience affects both the choice of a partner and our feelings at one stage or another. But everything can be changed, there would be a desire.

The only thing is we Not we can change another person. And when the “pink glasses” are removed, then you should honestly answer yourself the question: “Do I want to be with this person the way he is”? No “I will change him / her”, “What if she / he changes”, “A little more, and he / she will become different” - this is when resentment and unjustified expectations arise. It is better to immediately honestly look at the situation, find out the partner’s ideas, his aspirations, desires. There are no guarantees in a relationship. You can sign, get married, but in any case, we stay close to the person when we ourselves want it. Stamp, child or fear of loneliness should not keep people in a relationship.

Remember that each case is unique. Your relationship history is individual, and it is difficult to drive it into any framework. And any serious problems a specialist will always help you decide: a psychologist, psychotherapist or consultant.