Hello, Alexander.
Here are the points I drew attention to in your letter and on which I have questions:

I have a fad: the wife must be innocent!

how did this fad of yours appear and when?

I value honesty most of all in a relationship and hate understatement!

Has there been in your life that someone insisted that you always tell the truth and hide nothing, lay everything out completely as it is and have no personal secrets?

I am a very suspicious person and it is difficult to deceive me!

it is possible that your suspiciousness is not on empty place started, and there were some situations related to close relationships in which you were hurt, deceived and you suffered from it. what are these situations and with whom?

As soon as I imagine what she was doing in bed before me, I start to lose my mind! I get rough and cold and can't help it!

I think that such a reaction of yours has a long history, Alexander. remember when else you became rude and cold, in addition to relations with your wife, and could not help yourself.

Thanks for responding! I'll try to explain...

How did this fad of yours appear and when?

Was there in your life that someone insisted that you always tell the truth and do not hide anything, completely lay out everything as it is and have no personal secrets?

Certainly! This is what my parents taught me from childhood. That there should be no secrets from RELATED people!

It is possible that your suspiciousness did not start from scratch, but there were some situations related to close relationships in which you were hurt, deceived and you suffered from this. what are these situations and with whom?

Of course they cheated! One example: at the institute I met a girl who claimed that she had broken up with her past man! Then it surfaced that, in parallel with me, she continued to meet with him and safely became pregnant from him.

It seems that such a reaction of yours has a long history, Alexander. remember when else you became rude and cold, in addition to relations with your wife, and could not help yourself.

In principle, if an event has occurred that, according to my personal principles, is wrong or immoral and I can no longer correct anything and influence it in any way, then I become cold to this person!
IN this case my wife does not hide the fact that if she knew that we would meet, then of course there would be nothing before me! You may find it funny, but I believe her. And I don't have any complaints about it! But I can't agree with myself! I can’t drive away the thought of what and how she did with others! Perhaps my imagination is too developed! But there are times when I just can't get those thoughts out of my head. Although I realize that before her, I also had close relationships with other girls! And, oddly enough, I don’t see anything wrong with that!

Hmm... Probably at the institute. Before college, I talked with a girl. She had a principle: to remain innocent until the wedding! And as a teenager I wanted intimate relationships!!! Then I didn’t even think about whether my girlfriend was a virgin or not! For a while we just met, then kisses, then it came to a certain intimacy, but the actual sexual contact did not happen! Then I realized that in general we do not fit each other in character and we broke up! It had nothing to do with sex! We are still Good friends. But all my subsequent girls began to dislike me if I found out that they had lived a sexual life before meeting me! Despite the fact that they were very decent and positive girls. But the fact itself.

Alexander, the first thing that comes to mind is that you somehow transferred the image of that first girl to your wife, and now she has to take the rap for the fact that the other one refused you sexual intimacy ...

Certainly! This is what my parents taught me from childhood. That there should be no secrets from RELATED people!

Yes.

Of course they cheated! One example: at the institute I met a girl who claimed that she had broken up with her past man! Then it surfaced that, in parallel with me, she continued to meet with him and safely became pregnant from him.

sad yes...

In principle, if an event has occurred that, according to my personal principles, is wrong or immoral and I can no longer correct anything and influence it in any way, then I become cold to this person!

and what other events happened where you could not fix anything, and this event is about male-female relations?

In this case, my wife does not hide the fact that if she knew that we would meet, then of course there would be nothing before me! You may find it funny, but I believe her. And I don't have any complaints about it! But I can't agree with myself! I can’t drive away the thought of what and how she did with others! Perhaps my imagination is too developed! But Although I realize that before her, I also had close relationships with other girls! And, oddly enough, I don’t see anything wrong with that!

Alexander, and in these thoughts of yours, fantasies, how do they appear before you, other men? do you compare them with yourself, and what assessment do you give yourself if you compare?

There are times when I just can't get these thoughts out of my head.

apparently, such thoughts are somehow valuable to you, since you cannot drive them away. and if so, it is useful to look carefully at what particularly catches you there, why such scenes can be interesting and "appetizing" to you. maybe even realize some of them in real life with your participation - our sexuality sometimes makes its way into consciousness in this way, through "forbidden" scenes. You said that the wife is modest in bed...

Alexander, the first thing that comes to mind is that you somehow transferred the image of that first girl to your wife, and now she has to take the rap for the fact that the other one refused you sexual intimacy ...
and this may mean that those first relationships are not over for you, there is something so valuable left in them that you cannot realize in marriage. but that's just a guess.
and if you look even further back, where could you take note of the fad about the mandatory innocence of your woman?

No. To that girl, except for friendly sympathy, I think there is nothing left. And the wife is more likely to take the rap for the fact that that girl serves for me as a model of stamina and fidelity to her principles! Although, as far as I know, my wife met even longer with a man before entering into the first sexual relationship! And by nature, my wife is much closer to that first girl. There's probably nothing left here! And look further, here everything comes from my dad! Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, he instilled in me and my sister a cult of sex! In the sense that sex is not just normal relationship between a man and a woman, but something more! What should be approached with full responsibility, and not just as entertainment! That is why it is strange to me that my wife entered into her first sexual relationship at the age of 17. And by the age of 22, she had already managed to change 4 partners!

Yes.
And do you really follow this teaching of theirs to this day, Alexander, and has it never occurred to you to somehow doubt this postulate?
Do you have the slightest doubt about this topic?
so it turns out that a close person is, as it were, not a separate person at all, but an extension of myself ... but can, for example, my hand betray my leg, or wish to have something of my own?

Sorry, I didn’t quite understand here ... The fact is that my wife and I actually feel each other as ourselves, as one whole ... And this makes me even more ashamed that I doubted her! And we actually agreed at the very beginning of our relationship never to deceive each other in anything, no matter how hard the truth was!

It's sad, yes...
dated you, and got pregnant by him ... how did you feel when the truth came out and someone else was preferred instead of you?
and what other events happened where you could not fix anything, and this event is about male-female relations?

Not at all. Not sad at all! On the contrary ... The point is that some special feelings I didn't feel for that girl. This is absolutely sincere! It was a banal desire for intimate relationships. It didn't work and it's not scary. Another thing is that it was unpleasant from the realization that I could not immediately notice this. It seemed to me that I was not bad at understanding people. But it was a great lesson for the future!
The first thing that comes to mind is that I didn't meet my wife seven years earlier! But it was not real - she lived in another city. Well, I also regret the many opportunities I missed envying relationships with girls who I actually liked, but "rejected" them because they entered into sexual intercourse with other men!

Alexander, and in these thoughts of yours, fantasies, how do they appear before you, other men? Do you compare them with yourself, and what assessment do you give yourself if you compare? Apparently, such thoughts are somehow valuable to you, since you cannot drive them away. and if so, it is useful to look carefully at what particularly catches you there, why such scenes can be interesting and "appetizing" to you. maybe even realize some of them in real life with your participation - our sexuality sometimes makes its way into consciousness in this way, through "forbidden" scenes. You said that the wife is modest in bed...

Perhaps you misunderstood me! The fact is that I do not suffer from a perverted sexual fantasy and it is extremely unpleasant for me to imagine my wife in sex scenes with other men! Naturally, I do not even doubt that if I had appeared earlier in her life, then they would not have been there even close! They seem dirty and vile to me ... And it is precisely from this that I feel uneasy that she went to bed with them! unworthy of her! I wish all this was not in her life! As for her modesty in bed, at first it annoyed me because she seemed to me insincere with me! As if she wanted to seem less experienced than she is! Still 4 partners. But pretending for 7 years... It seems unlikely to me! In addition, in our recent conversations, the phrase flashed through her: Doesn’t it occur to you that experience does not depend on the number of partners? I thought a lot. I even had to force her to say, but how much sex was in her life in her personal opinion? And it turned out not so much actually! And we agreed not to be shy and to tell each other directly about our sexual fantasies and what we like and what not! And my main problem is that, as you know, during sexual contact it is the man who takes possession of the woman, and not vice versa! And it turns out that my wife was owned by 4 more men besides me! So how can I be her only and beloved as she herself says about it! After all, for sure, she returns to something from a past life in her thoughts! And I would like to be really the ONLY one for her! But now it's impossible!

And look further, then everything here comes from my dad! Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, he instilled in me and my sister a cult of sex! In the sense that sex is not just a normal relationship between a man and a woman, but something more! What should be approached with full responsibility, and not just as entertainment! That is why it is strange to me that my wife entered into her first sexual relationship at the age of 17. And by the age of 22, she had already managed to change 4 partners!

Alexander, after all, your wife is not your dad's daughter and she has not been instilled with a similar cult. And what do you think, how useful is the influence of the father's cult on your marital relationship with your wife?

Sorry, I didn’t quite understand here ... The fact is that my wife and I actually feel each other as ourselves, as one whole ... And this makes me even more ashamed that I doubted her! And we actually agreed at the very beginning of our relationship never to deceive each other in anything, no matter how hard the truth was!

This is what my parents taught me from childhood. That there should be no secrets from RELATED people!

Do your parents allow you, Alexander, to keep secrets from them now, or do they insist that you tell about what is happening in bed with your wife?

Not at all. Not sad at all! On the contrary... The fact is that I did not feel any special feelings for that girl. This is absolutely sincere! It was a banal desire for intimate relationships.

Contrary to my father's cult of sex? But how did he react to such your ... disobedience?

Perhaps you misunderstood me! The fact is that I do not suffer from a perverted sexual fantasy and it is extremely unpleasant for me to imagine my wife in sex scenes with other men!

wait, you wrote:

I can’t drive away the thought of what and how she did with others! Perhaps my imagination is too developed!

this is not a perverted, but an ordinary human fantasy, Alexander. inherent in all adult sexually mature men and women, no matter what dad tells you about it, believe me ...

Naturally, I do not even doubt that if I had appeared earlier in her life, then they would not have been there even close! They seem dirty and vile to me ... And it is precisely from this that I feel uneasy that she went to bed with them! unworthy of her!

since this moment really bothers you, I’ll ask: what exactly do you call dirty and vile in relations between a man and a woman?

I wish all this was not in her life!

And my main problem is that, as you know, during sexual contact, it is the man who takes possession of the woman, and not vice versa! And it turns out that my wife was owned by 4 more men besides me! So how can I be her only and beloved as she herself says about it! After all, for sure, she returns to something from a past life in her thoughts! A I would like to be really the ONLY one for her! But now it's impossible!

you see, there is such a stage psychosexual development a child, a boy in particular (and all children go through them) when he wants to be the only man with his mother ... and if difficulties occur at this stage of development, then such a fixation remains with a person for long years, but does not go on as usual, and is already transferred to relationships with other women. read about it by searching for the label "oedipus complex" on this forum or on the net.
I notice that you put an exclamation point after almost every sentence, Alexander. this indicates a constant increase emotional background. Are you like this in real life as well, or only while writing lyrics here?

Last time edited ABC; 06/14/2012 at 17:37 .

Alexander, after all, your wife is not your dad's daughter and she has not been instilled with a similar cult. And what do you think, how useful is the influence of the father's cult on your marital relationship with your wife?

You are absolutely right. And I am well aware of this. Naturally, my wife and I have different dads. I was raised that way, hers differently. Therefore, I tell her that in no case do I have and cannot have any claims against her regarding her past life. She acted as she thought was right, most likely she was brought up that way. This was her life. I just want to calm down and not think about it, but think exclusively about our future with her and enjoy the present. So if I didn’t understand myself WHAT influence this cult has on our relationship with her, maybe I wouldn’t open this topic.

Do your parents allow you, Alexander, to keep secrets from them now, or do they insist that you tell about what is happening in bed with your wife?

Yes, it's funny. This is the kind of question I was expecting. We are adults, and naturally there are things that only my wife and I know and discuss. But can a husband and wife, the closest people, have secrets from each other? Any misunderstandings? Or am I wrong and you want to say that each person should have their own personal space where NO ONE should enter?

Contrary to my father's cult of sex? But how did he react to such your ... disobedience?

You understand very well that dad could instruct and teach what is good and what is bad. But that doesn't mean that I did everything. In the end, I made all the decisions and still make them myself! And to be honest, I doubt that I told my dad about it. In fact, you are not quite right that you are focusing on my dad in this situation. Yes, of course, he enjoyed and enjoys great authority with me, but all the actions that I did in my life I did myself and solely of my own free will, and not on someone else's instructions. Of course, I consult with him a lot (with the exception of what I do in bed with my wife), but I make decisions myself. And not always they coincide with his advice.

Wait, you wrote: this is not a perverted, but an ordinary human fantasy, Alexander. inherent in all adult sexually mature men and women, no matter what dad tells you about it, believe me ...

You directly want to make my dad a mentally ill person. No, my dad didn't tell me that. Hmm... I'll try to explain... It's extremely unpleasant for me that someone other than me touched my wife's intimate parts. She did the same. Excuse me, I went into it ... I would like that none of the men except me (I certainly do not mean doctors, for example) saw her naked, and did not even touch her. Something like this. I really feel bad writing this right now. Naturally, I am not trying to imagine her in sex scenes with other men. I hate to realize that she had it.

Since this moment really bothers you, I’ll ask: what exactly do you call dirty and vile in relations between a man and a woman?

Stop. I did not say what I consider dirty and vile relationships between a man and a woman. I said that all the men who touched her naked body (again, let's omit doctors and relatives, for example, when she was a child and her dad bathed or swaddled her, let's not get ridiculous) seem to me vile and disgusting. And not worthy of her.

Thank you. I'll try to take a look. By the way, I myself assume that in fact I have some kind of complex. That's why I'm writing here to try to get rid of it.
No, I'm just a very unemotional person. And I rarely show my emotions in public. Here it is rather an attempt to emphasize the importance of a particular statement. It seems that I consider every suggestion important.

You see, there is such a stage in the psychosexual development of a child, a boy in particular (and all children go through them) when he wants to be the only man with his mother ... and if difficulties occur at this stage of development, then such a fixation remains with a person for many years , but does not go on as usual, and is already transferred to relationships with other women. read about it by searching for the label "oedipus complex" on this forum or on the net.

On your recommendation, I read about the concept of "oedipal complex" and it turned out that most likely it was actually left unresolved with me. Namely: if POWER or CONTROL is used in your relationship with your spouse; if you often act like a parent towards your husband/wife; Of course, there can be no talk of any FORCE, but CONTROL is unfortunately total! (But I never felt sexual attraction to my mother ... And I didn’t idealize either her or my dad. He always accepted his parents for who they were. I would like to understand how it can be solved? If possible of course.

Yes, it's funny. This is the kind of question I was expecting. We are adults, and naturally there are things that only my wife and I know and discuss. But can a husband and wife, the closest people, have secrets from each other? Any misunderstandings? Or am I wrong and you want to say that each person should have their own personal space where NO ONE should enter?

Well, for example, if you didn’t look into your wife’s past, you would now live happily and comfortably, and would not be tormented by mental anguish.
private from general

CONTROL, unfortunately, is total! (But I never felt sexual attraction to my mother ... And I did not idealize either her or my father. I always accepted my parents as they are. I would like to understand how it can be resolved? If possible, of course.

can you give examples of total control of you by your parents, Alexander? you have already told a lot about dad's control, but what happened from mom's side?

There are secrets and there is privacy. secrecy is what we hide from each other about us. and privacy is a personal zone that is not related to a partner, these are private events in the life of each of us. when people can share private from general, then they are able not to hurt each other.

undoubtedly, I thought a lot about whether it was necessary to find out everything, or whether it would be better to live in ignorance. and let me remind you that initially I asked my wife this way: I don’t care about your past, I don’t want to know anything. and this was due to the fact that she herself sometimes tried to give some examples. I suspect that perhaps she, on the contrary, wanted to show her experience in front of me. after all, initially I did not tell her that I had my own "special" attitude towards innocence. and then, because when we met, I did not expect that we would become husband and wife. I liked the girl, we met ... then we began to live together. Of course, my feelings for her only grew stronger and stronger. because I understood that we are absolutely suitable for each other in character. We hardly ever have fights. and it was clear that she honest man . but, I already said that I knew that she had already had experience of living together before me. and two more unpleasant moments surfaced at the very beginning of our relationship with her. by the way, at first I just wanted to break up with her because of this, but then, after thinking, I stayed. I’ll explain first what the moment is, and then why I didn’t quit. somehow calling her in the evening (we have not yet lived together), I found her in hysterics. asking what happened, I said that I would come now, but she asked me not to come and said that tomorrow she would tell everything at the meeting. the next evening, she confessed to me that when she broke up with her past man (and she broke up because she found out that he was cheating on her), he was thrown after her: do not forget to check with the doctor! just last night she got the results - STI. in principle, nothing so terrible ... unfortunately, this did not bypass me in my youth either. to my question, is it not necessary to protect yourself, did she say that sometimes the means of protection are torn. Well, you can’t argue, and this happened to me! At first I was disgusted and I wanted to turn around and leave. but then, having calmed down, he asked himself, how many girls would tell the truth in this situation, and not just with the help of various tricks for a while delayed the beginning of our sexual relations (we were not close by that time yet)? and the second point: sometimes some man called. I'll notice on the landline phone. she abruptly cut him off and hung up (then there was no aon, who was calling incomprehensibly). I tried to talk to him myself - it was useless. Then I first asked her: who is this? she said to an old acquaintance. I asked what happened to him? she said no. but after another drunken night call, I boiled up and said that I doubt that nothing had happened since he called so persistently. then, under pressure, she admitted that this was her first man. But that was more than 5 years ago and everything is long gone. I also note that the wife is from another city. and this bastard called from there to help him buy a car. I said that if one more call, then everything will be over. everything stopped and nothing like this happened again in 8 years of marriage. it was in the first 2 months. is that why I began to pull her past out of her in order to try to understand what kind of person she really is? either a really decent and too trusting girl who just wasn't very lucky in relationships with men, or an experienced woman who has a bunch of skeletons in her closet and it's better to end all relationships. that's actually why I began to climb into her private life. and I note that I saw how unpleasant it was for her to discuss it, but for the sake of our relationship, she did not refuse. I understand that from the outside it may look like excessive gullibility on my part. but I repeat in the future nothing like this happened again.

Can you give examples of total control of you by your parents, Alexander? you have already told a lot about dad's control, but what happened from mom's side?

hmm... mom is actually even more zealous than dad about our secrets from her sister (well, except perhaps intimate life)... she must know everything. there was such a case. I was swimming. went to training bad mood. and the coach asks me: why are your parents interested in whether you came to training? I was shocked. When I got home, I asked them what was the matter? they got scared (didn't expect the coach to say they called) and admitted that they were worried if I went to the pool. but I actually NEVER missed a workout without their permission. this is one of many cases...

Well, for example, if you didn’t look into your wife’s past, you would now live happily and comfortably, and would not be tormented by mental anguish.
There are secrets and there is privacy. secrecy is what we hide from each other about us. and privacy is a personal zone that is not related to a partner, these are private events in the life of each of us. when people can share private from general, then they are able not to hurt each other.

I also wanted to clarify ... in principle, I agree with everything that you said about privacy. but I want to ask a question. most likely you will say that an insecure person with a bunch of complexes can think about this. but the fact is that I understand that I have this bunch of complexes and I really want to deal with them! look, if it were not for the two cases described in the previous message, I most likely would not have climbed into Zhenya's past and did not know much about her. we would live as you say happily and comfortably. but who said that at one fine moment something not very pleasant from her past life would not have surfaced, and that it was especially unpleasant from someone else? I will say right away that I do not suffer from paranoia and do not see conspiracies on every corner. And how do you think I would feel in such a situation? falling from heaven is very painful. and so I at least roughly have an idea about the past of his wife. and to some extent ready for unexpected turns. although I agree, if nothing extraordinary has happened in 8 years of marriage, why should this happen later? then another question, what's wrong if people, before starting any kind of relationship, ask each other if you want to know something about my past? in principle, I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I am ready to answer any of your questions! and if people decide that the past does not interest me, then there can be no complaints. and then, sorry, but this way you can write off anything you like for privacy. now people live very freely both in terms of sex and in terms of drugs, alcohol, etc. or do you want to say that if, as an example, a girl was engaged in prostitution, and now she has embarked on the true path and you live happily and comfortably with her, then this is her privacy and you should not know about it? and then because I wanted to know to understand what kind of person my wife is. after all, it's one thing to go to bed on the very first evening of meeting, and another thing to meet a person long time and knowing him at least a little to come to sexual relations. and no one is immune from disappointment. That's exactly what I wanted to clarify.

But who said that at one fine moment something not very pleasant from her past life would not have surfaced, and that it was especially unpleasant from someone else?

And how do you think I would feel in such a situation? falling from heaven is very painful

ok, let's pretend that something came up from her past life from someone else. so you fell from heaven and then what happens to you? what do you feel at this moment? your actions, her actions? try to bring this fantasy to the end.

If nothing extraordinary has happened in 8 years of marriage, why should this happen later?

With your suspicions, you can still organize a situation of treason, Alexander. perhaps it’s something valuable for you to reproduce your fantasies, so try to do it virtually, rather than if events unfold in real life.

Then another question, what's wrong if people, before starting any kind of relationship, ask each other if you want to know something about my past?

it's not bad at all if one partner asks the other about it. only now, if he hides from the other that in the case of a frank story about his past, he will in response be tormented, hurt in soul, suspect of low moral status, jealous and extort details, names and appearances, and so, play on the nerves of both. .. so, if he hides it, it will be, you know what.

And then, I'm sorry, but in this way you can write off anything you like for privacy.

And now, Alexander, who do you talk to when you ask for forgiveness and at the same time accuse you of copying anything you like?

Now people are living very freely both in terms of sex and in terms of drugs, alcohol, etc. or do you want to say that if, as an example, a girl was engaged in prostitution, and now she has embarked on the true path and you live happily and comfortably with her, then this is her privacy and you should not know about it?

if you have already made your choice to marry such a woman and live happily and comfortably with her, then you definitely should not know about what happened before you. to control the past and the future - a thing, of course, fascinating, but absolutely unproductive. but to kill the present with such control is nothing to do ...

And then after all, I wanted to know what kind of person my wife is. after all, it is one thing to go to bed on the very first evening of acquaintance, and another thing is to meet a person for a long time and get to know him at least a little to come to a sexual relationship. and no one is immune from disappointment. That's exactly what I wanted to clarify.

but you didn’t just find out, but insisted on truthful information. you did not believe her when she first said that she had nothing close to that person, and began to use emotional methods of influence to knock out the truth. I can assume that your parents did this to you in order to lead you to clean water, in situations where you wanted to keep some information that did not directly concern them with you.

I notice, Alexander, that you are trying to control here too. here in communication with me, to control what I might say ... why do you need to do this now? at the same time, I’m not sure that you would take my word for it if I said that I don’t have such ideas that you already a priori addressed to me ...

Okay, let's pretend something came up from her past life from someone else. so you fell from heaven and then what happens to you? what do you feel at this moment? your actions, her actions? try to bring this fantasy to the end.

I feel like I've made a mistake in the person... it makes me uncomfortable to feel that she has deceived me... I'll feel stupid... but really, I really don't want to see those who came before me. of course, if someone tells me to my face that he slept with my wife before me, and even more so throws some unflattering expression, then he will be treated in a hospital for a long time. but I'm afraid that when I see with whom my wife went to bed, I will be completely disappointed in her ... if this person seems unpleasant to me both externally and in communication .... like, damn it, and after this I sleep with her ...

With your suspicions, you can still organize a situation of treason, Alexander. perhaps it’s something valuable for you to reproduce your fantasies, so try to do it virtually, rather than if events unfold in real life.

here I don’t quite understand what you mean. (Do you think that I can somehow provoke my wife’s betrayal? hmm ... well, knowing my wife, I still think this is unlikely to happen, although of course I don’t I can get into her head and read her thoughts, but I suspect that most likely she just can’t stand it even in best case will offer to live separately, and in the worst case, he will simply leave with the child. which, of course, I really don't want. but she is unlikely to meet with someone in parallel. even with someone from the past. the fact is that I do not doubt for a moment that, both on her part and on my part, such strong feelings was not there yet. if we talk about betrayal on my part ... I won’t lie that 2 months ago, when I began to clarify her past life and she upset me (although I understand that it’s not for me to judge another person, who, moreover, I personally don’t I didn’t do anything bad, but on the contrary, I sacrificed almost everything for the sake of our family) such an idea appeared in my head. sort of like doing it out of revenge. but, thank God, I was smart enough to understand that this would not make me feel better, but it could easily destroy our family. I repeat in Once again, I actually consider my wife IDEAL, well, as far as possible of course. she is completely devoted to her family, she is a wonderful mother. and I was convinced more than once that she was ready to sacrifice literally everything for the sake of our relationship. The fact is that I turned to you for help so that, if possible, you would help me get rid of these complexes. V this moment it turns out that I have to change my worldview, which, by the way, has been developing for 34 years! mentally it is very hard for me to do this. I always thought that a decent girl can go to bed only after making sure that a man is really very dear to her and she completely trusts him. and in this case, a girl by the age of 22 is unlikely to have a lot sexual partners. then it turns out the following: either my wife is poorly versed in people and is too susceptible to other people's influence, or these people are very dear to her and then I'm not sure that I really am for her the ONLY and LOVED. although, according to her, she had nothing left for those people, and since she did not love anyone for me. then what was it? She can't explain clearly. she says that she has forgotten a lot, it is unpleasant for her to remember this and she actually regrets that she did not meet me at the age of 17. I really want to believe her and think that it is so. and going to bed with me, she does not plunge into thoughts about the past, but thinks and loves only me. she says it is.

It's not bad at all if one partner asks the other about it. only now, if he hides from the other that in the case of a frank story about his past, he will in response be tormented, hurt in soul, suspect of low moral status, jealous and extort details, names and appearances, and so, play on the nerves of both. .. so, if he hides it, it will be, you know what.
in this sense, the partner has the right to know what his frankness and disclosure of his personal information may be fraught with. however, not everyone entering into a relationship is aware of such psychological technique security.
too bad your future wife didn't know.

hmm... the fact is that I wrote above I did not ask this from the very beginning. strange, it seemed to me that I explained what it was connected with and why I began to torment my wife so much. I will say by the way that it does not give me pleasure at all to hurt her. when a girl transfers a sexually transmitted infection into a new relationship and in her apartment there are night calls from some drunkard, it seems to me that I have the right to clarify what is happening and how it happened? especially since initially the girl does not impress bl...and. that's why I started pulling it all out in order to understand what she was guided by when she did this? I really wanted to justify her actions in my own eyes. only and everything. after all, in the end, I also came across people who betrayed me ... it’s just that apparently I don’t make contact so easily and am too suspicious, therefore I have fewer such mistakes.

And now, Alexander, who do you talk to when you ask for forgiveness and at the same time accuse you of copying anything you like?

with those who are ready to write off, anything.

If you have already made your choice to marry such a woman and live happily and comfortably with her, then you definitely should not know about what happened before you. to control the past and the future - a thing, of course, fascinating, but absolutely unproductive. but to kill the present with such control is nothing to do ...

here I completely agree with you. Therefore also I ask to help or assist to get rid of these complexes if it is possible or probable. the fact is that probably if I heard from a person who enjoys great authority with me that my wife was just in search of her love and if she went to bed, she thought she was doing the right thing (after all, you right because she was not brought up as my sister and I, and sex for her may well be an integral part of the communication of two people, and not something from the category of "special", which must be approached with special care). to be honest, I just wish she would actually just forget everything from her past life regarding other men. it just doesn’t leave me with the feeling that I occupy only some cell in her soul, and I would like to occupy the entire niche completely and force out everything else from there. True, according to her, it is. and she only remembers when I make her do it. on the other hand, I put myself in her place... but I don't really have feelings for anyone other than her... not from the past, not from the present. maybe you just have to believe that's all?

But you didn’t just find out, but insisted on truthful information. you did not believe her when she first said that she had nothing close to that person, and began to use emotional methods of influence to knock out the truth. I can assume that your parents did this to you in order to bring you to clean water, in situations where you wanted to keep some information that did not directly concern them with you.

everything is right. when we started dating, we agreed: we only tell the truth in everything ... because if they lie to me at least once, and I find out, then I can’t believe anymore. they will lie once, then another, a third ... she could say - no, I can’t do that, then the choice would be for me to continue the relationship or not. but she agreed. and when she said that there was nothing I believed! but the calls continued ... although she hung up, normally asked not to call again, I sent ... but on the other end there was a drunken, stupid animal ... and then once again I simply could not stand it and bluntly said that it wasn’t so it happens that only the person to whom you gave can insist ... she could not stand it and said yes. that's all. I did not go every day and do not peck her with this question. I told her that it turns out she lied to me and I should keep my word and leave. ((but she said that she was afraid to say, she was afraid that I would leave right away. Something clicked in my head, and why should I leave the person to which I have good feelings and who treats me well because of some stupid drunk redneck? and I stayed ... and she realized - after all, the truth is better than a lie in this situation. I was wrong?
hmm... oddly enough, I don't remember that my parents used any kind of psychological influence on me... rather the same way: ok, we believe you. and if facts of lies appeared, they simply presented them ... it became embarrassing that they were caught in a lie ... by the way, I do the same, and do not use psychological influence.

hmm ... we are having an interesting dialogue with you. but, by no means, I did not try to control your possible answers. and I would like to make it clear that I have no reason not to take your word for it. but if you have such an impression, I apologize. let me ask this question if I say that I am actually trying to control many life situations in which I accept direct participation, this is bad? At the same time, I never try to impose my opinion on others and am always ready to listen to someone else's point of view. and if they explain their point of view to me with reason, it happens, and not infrequently, that I admit my opinion is erroneous.

Most likely you will say that an insecure person with a bunch of complexes can think about this.

Then I’ll ask like this: why do you, Alexander, foresee my possible words?

I feel like I'm wrong about the person... it makes me uncomfortable to feel like she's deceived me... I'll feel stupid... but really, I really don't want to see those who came before me. of course, if someone tells me to my face that he slept with my wife before me, and even more so throws some unflattering expression, then he will be treated in a hospital for a long time. but I'm afraid that when I see with whom my wife went to bed, I will be completely disappointed in her ... if this is a man for me will seem unpleasant both externally and in communication.... like, well, damn it, and after this I sleep with her ...

and if, on the contrary, he seems to you pleasant in appearance and in communication, and in general, turns out to be a worthy, respected person, recognized by all as a positive hero, authoritative and deserved, and, moreover, extremely attractive to you, then how will you react to that situation, to your wife? try this, honestly imagine this option ...

I don't get the feeling that I occupy only some cell in her soul, but I would like to occupy the entire niche completely and push everything else out.

and this feeling was definitely born not in these relations for the first time, Alexander. but much, much earlier. with the very first woman you love in your life...
With most first.

Then I’ll ask you this: why do you, Alexander, anticipate my possible words?
this is not a reproach clothed in a question, this is precisely a question for thinking, listening to yourself. I certainly do not reproach you, I am not upset by your supposed mistrust. my question is "for what?" means "what does it serve?"
and this question is not idle, not for arguing, but concerns the information that you told about yourself, your request.

hmm ... most likely in order to understand the course of your thoughts, to "read" you. to feel "power" over you. understand how you act in a given situation in order to completely eliminate some kind of catch on your part. understand where you are telling the truth, and where you are cunning. apparently in life, I, purely hypothetically, do not exclude a stab in the back even from loved one and therefore I try to predict the course of events ... so as not to cry later, lamenting "how is it? I believed you so much ..."

And if, on the contrary, he seems to you pleasant in appearance and in communication, and in general, turns out to be a worthy, respected person, recognized by all as a positive hero, authoritative and well-deserved, and, moreover, extremely attractive to you, then how will you react to that situation, to your wife? try this, honestly imagine this option ...

Well, there won't be any resentment. well, it was. worthy man. something did not work out, but these are their questions. at least my wife has taste and self-respect. and I am happy that she is now with me, and not with him. perhaps somewhere in the depths a thought will flash, which means I am probably no worse since now she is with me, and not with him. the only thing that would upset me a little if my wife would be nearby at that moment and I would feel or notice that she regrets parting with him. but this, most likely, would only serve as a signal for me, which means I need to work more on myself. become even better.

And this feeling was definitely born not in these relations for the first time, Alexander. but much, much earlier. with the very first woman you love in your life...
With most first.

does that mean with MOM? Or I not absolutely correctly understood with the VERY first?

thought about it and decided to ask this question. Could the key to my dissatisfaction with my wife's past lie in the following nuances? 1. When I first met her, I, perhaps subconsciously, created for myself the image of a modest and chaste girl. and for some reason decided that on this basis she could not have more than one close man before me (I remind you that I knew this fact even before we met her). and when I found out that there were 3 more, something like "poisoning" happened to me with such a large number of facts that I simply was not ready for. and still I can't join these two images into one. that she was and remains normal modern girl, for which there is nothing unnatural in the fact that she met, met, had sex, then the relationship ended and she broke up. all this was for a long time. and there is nothing nasty and dirty about it. 2. Or maybe it's just envy of her on my part? due to the fact that when I, in search of the ideal of a woman, rejected girls who are not innocent, she was not afraid to build adult relationships with men, she was not afraid to make mistakes. and I just "not walking"? maybe it's an insult to the fact that she had all this, and I deprived myself of this?

thought about it and decided to ask this question. Could the key to my dissatisfaction with my wife's past lie in the following nuances? 1. When I first met her, I, perhaps subconsciously, created for myself the image of a modest and chaste girl. and for some reason decided that on this basis she could not have had more than one close man before me

yes, you could well see not the girl herself, but your fantasy about her.

Or maybe it's just jealousy on my part? due to the fact that when I, in search of the ideal of a woman, rejected girls who are not innocent, she was not afraid to build adult relationships with men, she was not afraid to make mistakes. and I just "not walking"? maybe it's an insult to the fact that she had all this, and I deprived myself of this?

and you didn’t deprive yourself of this, if you think about it and remember the history of your prohibitions ... and then the insult can be addressed not only to her.

I see that you received help in another topic during my absence, is it important to you then something else here, Alexander?

well actually yes. I would like to continue our communication. after all, in that section, I heard the attitude of the women themselves to this issue, and this undoubtedly explains to me some of the nuances of the wife’s attitude to her past and to me, in particular. but it does not help me at all to get rid of my complexes. (

Yes, you could well see not the girl herself, but your fantasy about her.

and it seems that I continue to see this fantasy. is it possible to solve it somehow?

And you didn’t deprive yourself of this, if you think about it and remember the history of the emergence of your prohibitions ... and then the insult can be addressed not only to her.

You may be right, but I don't feel any resentment towards my parents. I’m even more offended by myself! (I’ve lost so many interesting things in my life.

see above you said

Worthy man. something did not work out, but these are their questions. at least my wife has taste and self-respect. and I am happy that she is now with me, and not with him. perhaps somewhere in the depths a thought will flash, which means I am probably no worse since now she is with me, and not with him. the only thing that would upset me a little if my wife would be nearby at that moment and I would feel or notice that she regrets parting with him. but this, most likely, would only serve as a signal for me, which means you need to work on yourself more. become even better.

There is an idea to become even better, to work on yourself, as if you are not satisfied with yourself the way you are now. and in a girl it is also important for you to see not her, but an ideal. but then it’s interesting, in which “chamber of measures and weights” is the standard that should be corresponded to? and then who, comparing you with this standard, will find you good enough to accept or love you, _better_?

Maybe you are right, but I do not feel resentment towards my parents. I’m even more offended by myself! (I’ve lost so many interesting things in my life.

when you say, "I'm offended by myself," I imagine some two parts of you, one of which is offended, and the other is the one that is offended. and it’s as if they are having some kind of dialogue, or an unfinished argument, or some other kind of communication going on.
can you try to expand this dialogue here, Alexander? here the offended part says: "How much I have lost in my life because of you!" and the other, what does she feel in response to these words and what does she respond to?

Last edited by ABC; 06/25/2012 at 17:28 .

See above you said

Perhaps this is what you mean?

That she was and remains a normal modern girl, for whom there is nothing unnatural in the fact that she met, met, had sex, then the relationship ended and she broke up. all this was for a long time. and there is nothing nasty and dirty about it.

There is an idea to become even better, to work on yourself, as if you are not satisfied with yourself the way you are now. and in a girl it is also important for you to see not her, but an ideal. but then it’s interesting, in which “chamber of measures and weights” is the standard that should be corresponded to? and then who, comparing you with this standard, will find you good enough to accept or love you, _better_?
Do you find yourself dependent on the judgment of others in your choices and reactions?

Yes you are right! no matter how I tried to convince myself that I do not care about the opinions of others, but this is a lie. (I don’t give a damn. I want to be admired, proud, praised, set as an example. and despite what my wife says - I love you the way you are. I want to become even better. and, by the way, in the same applies to her. I want her to devote more time to herself, her appearance, education. But this does not read out that this is a categorical statement. I just want her to become even better, more attractive, more educated! Is this bad?

When you say, "I'm offended by myself," I imagine some two parts of you, one of which is offended, and the other is the one that is offended. and it’s as if they are having some kind of dialogue, or an unfinished argument, or some other kind of communication going on.
can you try to expand this dialogue here, Alexander? here the offended part says: "How much I have lost in my life because of you!" and the other, what does she feel in response to these words and what does she respond to?

one more small nuance, SW. ABC. (or maybe not small, you know better). in principle, for the sake of my son, I can shove my moral and moral differences deep into myself .... and calmly communicate with her as before, educate my son, do some joint affairs... except for one! (I can’t go to bed with her if it sits in my head that she was from 4 before me. For some reason I have the feeling that it was not 10-13 years ago, but just now...((and it’s as if they’re inviting me: will you be the fifth, after us?... can this be solved somehow, except for a divorce? will it work?

Yes you are right! no matter how I tried to convince myself that I do not care about the opinions of others, but this is a lie. (I don’t give a damn. I want to be admired, proud, praised, set as an example. and despite what my wife says - I love you the way you are. I want to become even better. and, by the way, in the same applies to her. I want her to devote more time to herself, her appearance, education. But this does not read out that this is a categorical statement. I just want her to become even better, more attractive, more educated! this is bad?

you know, Alexander, the concepts of "good / bad", they are from the arsenal of parent-child interaction. "The little son came to his father and asked the little one: what is good and what is bad?"
for adults, it's rather different ... the world is no longer divided into such extreme estimates of someone's expectations.
as an adult, you can tell your wife that you need her admiration, pride, praise, and for her to set you as an example. and if it is not alien to her to express her admiration and praise to you, she will do this for you until you are satisfied and satisfied. if you are not saturated with the admiration of your wife, then this is your desire - not at all directed towards her, and she has nothing to do with it at all.
look for someone whose admiration and approval you did not get in life. break up your relationship with him.

You can also express to your wife your wish regarding her appearance, education, devoting time to yourself, etc. and if this idea suits her, she can accept your desire and follow it with pleasure. but may not accept and follow.

In the adult world, yes.

Look for someone whose admiration and approval you did not get in life. break up your relationship with him.

here you are right. and I even know who it is. it's all my dad again! In my childhood and youth, I went swimming for 10 years. so, no matter how I sailed (if not first, and this was extremely rare), then I, looking with my eyes on the podium for my father, hoped to see support in his eyes. instead, I usually observed either poorly hidden disappointment or outright contempt: a weakling. then I got older and just stopped paying attention to his reaction. I just didn't care. then I began to go with his friends to play football and the same thing happens there: my friends praise me (maybe not very relevant, but still nice), and from him again only assurances that I am nobody even in football. the same thing happened to mine younger sister(she professionally plays handball). she also complained to me that when she was younger, he always climbed to evaluate her game especially without understanding it. now, when we tell him about it, he replies that whoever, no matter how father, will point out shortcomings to us. and we tell him that we have always expected just elementary SUPPORT from him! offended ... most likely understands that we are right ... by the way, the wife in this regard is absolutely normal person. you don’t have to ask her for anything, she knows when to praise and when to scold. And, as a rule, everything is objective.

I would still like you to pay attention to this particular dialogue:

let's try...
How much I have lost in my life because of you!
- Well, why is it because of me? after all, we were taught many things (bad / good) at school, parents, close relatives, the same TV, books ...
-That's right, and I, like a stupid ram, blindly followed all these instructions, believing that they were absolutely correct. and I could not even think that in life everything could be different. And it won't be WRONG at all! it will just be DIFFERENT! I was afraid to do something, because of which others (especially parents) would later consider me not bad, no, but simply not right or something ... and you could help me, tell me what to do. but you only once again reminded about all these stupid rules, moral norms, idiotic moral principles ... and now we are sitting in full f ... e and regret the lost time. about some, of their own free will, interrupted, in fact, did not even have time to begin, relationships with girls. which, in principle, most likely would have ended in nothing, but it would have been a great EXPERIENCE. about some small pranks, because of which we would have fun, but it might spoil the impression of us a little ... well, I don’t care ... but so ... what we had in childhood, youth, youth ? sports, school, institute, again sports, work... thank God, now there is a family.
- So what am I doing here? Well, I didn’t push... but you yourself made such decisions, guided by some rules, opinions, judgments.... your problems. it was necessary to show courage and step over these norms, if only out of curiosity.
- right... unfortunately, everything is right... only I myself am to blame for missing these opportunities, being afraid to seem NOT CORRECT. fearing to upset your parents... after all, rules are there to be broken!))
-that's it. and now you sit and rot yourself. and even worse, you dare to condemn your wife, who was not afraid to learn life herself, doing as she saw fit. let them learn from their own mistakes. and you remained a visionary and a dreamer who created some fantastic ideal world for himself and think that the other simply does not exist. and you cannot or do not want, due to your natural obstinacy, to accept the world as it is in reality!
- to object, unfortunately there is nothing ... (((

Well, something like this...

How do you define this number? how do you know that for 22 years is a lot? and for what age four is not much, but just right?

hmm ... here is the answer to this question, most likely it will be the key to our relationship with my wife ... I hope in any case ... I'll try to reason. Here, in principle, several criteria, for me personally. Well, firstly, subjectively for me, serious relationship For decent woman should last, let's say, like a wife with her first boyfriend: about a year / one and a half communication to get to know a person, and then, if you are sure of him, probably sex ... well, then it is clear that after some time, feelings may fade away ... unfortunately, she did not have such a long "pre-career" relationship with everyone, which probably could lead to a quick break - she simply did not understand what goals a person actually pursues ... I understand that it is naive , but here I just feel sorry for my wife or something ... (well, then, it looks like a few consumer attitude to sex ... although I have already noticed on the forum that I am old-fashioned. maybe ... but somehow it's not very pleasant to realize that your wife is in such a young age already belonged to four men! (((well, if you count, then from 17 to 22 years old, well, there could be a maximum of 3 people ... secondly, let’s say, from my personal experience of spending time with friends and familiar girls, I made conclusions ... I understand that this is absolutely not an objective criterion, but nevertheless ... examples: a girl is 25 years old, married. before her husband there was only one man. (the story is true, because with this girl we have warm friendly relations. NO MORE). from a friend (of course, I'm talking about mine personal life I don't tell! but there is a friend who likes to share such things ... I don’t know why) wives, met at the age of 20, there were only two men before him ... my sister has been dating a young man since she was 18. now she is 26. I have never seen others next to her. Simply once - sport. Well, again, at the institute, when we found out that the girl had several partners (and this, unfortunately, quickly pops up ... both men and women love to talk) we called such a "davalka" ... Unfortunately, the stereotype remained. .. and no one cared that it could just be a clean, but unfortunately not established relationship. yes, another friend ... also briefly said in a conversation that he was his wife's third man. the girl was 25 years old ... well, something like that ...
handsome,
my mother with terribly low self-esteem, married a virgin, now she constantly blames everyone, sometimes I consider her crazy paranoid. doesn't trust anyone. pronounced accentuations: anxiety, epileptoidness, paranoia (in descending order). instilled in me such nonsense that at the age of 18 I was afraid to get on the bus. I thought that someone would think of me. As a child, I was bullied at school by my peers.
my mother inspired me that she was a saint, but I believed. as a child at the age of 8, she told me that if I was not "good", then everyone would leave me and I would be left alone. even earlier (5-6 years old?) I saw her how she had intercourse with her father. she moaned, and I thought that he was killing her. they saw me, turned on the light. we talked, in fact they didn’t say anything, only that no one was killing anyone and that’s all. then they began to close the door, but I knew what was happening there and was afraid for my mother.
Until the age of 8, I could stand up for myself, I was a self-confident boy with a lot of friends, I was interested in girls. after 8 years. became a complete chmoshnik, whom classmates exposed to ridicule. it was like this for several years, until the 9th grade, when the composition did not shake up. and my parents left me alone for months, while they themselves left to solve personal problems in another city.

At the age of 18, I was an absolutely dependent, notorious boy. I was also sent to study in another city where I lived without my parents.

This helped. I got rid of their influence, learned from other people, became self-confident. fully socialized. There were some minor issues, but overall it was good.
On the plus side, I was outwardly handsome and attractive. I have never been deprived of the attention of girls. in any society, sooner or later, he began to notice flirting and interest in himself. Yes, and today in this regard I am absolutely sure of myself.

On the 1st-4th year I wanted a wife as "holy" as my mother.
up to the 5th course. I didn’t meet anyone, because I thought that if I met, I would have to get married. on the topic of relationships since childhood, a huge bzik. my mother has a little "that" on this topic, I wrote above.

Until the 5th year, he avoided public relations, but welcomed one-time and implicit ones (at least their beginning).
I considered myself "untrained", although I enjoyed the attention of girls. at the disco at one time was unofficially considered the "first guy". I felt the psychology of girls well, but it rarely came to sex and not with them. as a rule, everything was limited to flirting and kissing. met some times 5 (1-2 weeks). sumarno then there were about 5 girls. then another 5 prostitutes. approximately. you can't remember everyone. 10-15 more pieces were limited to hugs and kisses. with two more, he simply fell asleep in bed, having previously laid them down and removed his underpants. right during the process. because he was drunk after a disco. Here's an experience like this. I don’t know if it’s a lot or a little, but I always considered myself not walking up. I thought I missed something important in my life. only recently I realized that it seemed that there was not so little in terms of the level of extreme sports. before depraved grppovuha, as was the case with friends, it did not come. but at least something close to that was.

In general, until the 5th year I communicated only with lung girls behavior and those who themselves went to bed.
he DESPITED them, but WANTED them. went to all discos. I was afraid to communicate with girls, but I overcame my fear. got acquainted and went forward step by step, studying them.

Now about the wife.
we have known each other since the 5th year of university, we met at a disco. relations began.
I have known my wife for 10 years. 5 years legally married. happily married, 2 children. I make good money. financially secured. everything seems to be ok. like no one walked and did not go to the side.

I knew that I was not her first, but somehow it didn’t matter. forgot-get used to it. there were other problems. she had 2 before me while I was in the army "technically" parted for 2-3 months. at this time she had another boyfriend, then they were together again.
Sex doesn't matter to her
but I feel that I have definitely been and am the most passionate and quality lover.
about the guy she had when I was in the army. though technically it's not my problem. I also used the method of psychological pressure for 3 days, bringing it to stress, I pulled absolutely all the small things out of her. he was no lover, and possibly even a virgin. they had 2 times. once he cummed on her when she spread her legs. the second time - like everything went ok. but it lasted 1 minute and she did not feel anything.
I have the same every time I gave her fingers an orgasm. Well, in general, in bed he behaved like a passionate male, without bothering himself with anything. and women love it. well, plus the dignity of a more or less decent size. I measured it with a ruler, and the prostitute gave an estimate. maybe she lied, of course. but I tend to believe.
So that to this comrade relations mixed. Before that, she also didn’t seem to have anything serious. I met with one for 2-3 months. before that, with some DJ lost her virginity. that's all.

And I knew it all. all 10 years.

It's all past. Those themes are still there. I got used to the fact that I didn’t walk up. but prnyal decision to marry, because he was in love. there were some difficult years. now everything seems to be ok.
3 months ago, I went on vacation. arrived cheerful and energetic, decided to cheer up our relationship emotionally.
then casually asked her if they had given blowjobs to anyone else. she said yes. and since then my head has been blown off.

I am quite purposeful, even obsessed with places.
2 last weeks I was engaged in meditations and introspection. explored his cognitive dissonance, drank every day and slept for 4 hours.

I meditated, putting myself in her place. tried to imagine himself as a person walking through her life.
On the one hand, I found myself disgusted by the thought that she was taken, had, fucked by others.
but on the other hand, I realized that I really love her. that I even like that she had someone else before me. that took her and enjoyed her body. I like that she is a woman. and it turns me on.

There were fantasies about the third, talked to her. I read her stories about how a husband invites another, and he leaves. and then the wife has passionate sex with this lover.
to a direct question whether she wants such a lover, she refused. and added that the husband of the story is a fool, and his wife fell in love with her lover. so they have passionate sex.
then I realized that I do not want any third. I just want to see my wife sexy and passionate in bed. she's beautiful enough for me. well, it's definitely cute.
that this is how my sexuality is realized through the stump. I also overestimated my experience and decided that I must have worked up quite a bit. was enough passionate kisses, squeezes, breasts touched large and small and even silicone. and so on.
that all this did not give me anything. and I was looking for the passion that I can get with my wife. which I love at the same time.

The only thing that remains is sometimes I find myself conflicting about her previous boyfriends.
maybe you can tell me what to do so that it does not seem disgusting to me. that she took it in her mouth, that three more had it. if I start thinking in the style of a topic starter, then I start to lose control over negative emotions. but I don't want to. as a counter-drug, I begin to think that this is good, that it turns me on. but this bad option. because it's a swing. now to one side, then to the other. it is energy intensive. But how to accept the situation and not think about it at all?

I read the topic and thought that the root of these problems. I have and topikstartera - in a sense of guilt / sinfulness inspired from childhood. because I'm sexy. for the fact that I had sex, which he himself did not allow himself.
that is, he did it because he wanted to, but then he condemned himself. and considered himself dirty. maybe this is the issue?
topikstarter also wrote so evasively about his previous experience that he went against the upbringing of his father.
and the thought works in my subconscious that it was all bad, that I had a mother - a virgin, etc.

And that I'm dirty and guilty. although I didn't rape anyone. All the girls went voluntarily. many more and denied relationships. (well, that's self-justification)

Maybe you can see it from the outside? what do you think?