Five main school problems and how to help your child cope with them. How to help a child if his pet has died

Kids spend most of their active childhood at school. And if for some, only math homework causes difficulties, then for others, school becomes synonymous with problems, bad mood and all kinds of suffering. The reason for a spoiled impression of the first education can be many things: poor relationships with classmates or teachers, poor academic performance... What to do if you understand that your child is faced with problems that make attending school a torture?

Problem: Your child worries too much about bad grades.

Your son or daughter comes home from school in tears, to the question “what happened?” does not answer, hides his eyes, refuses to show the diary... As a result, it turns out that this behavior is due to the fact that he got a D (or C) at school. And this happens every time the teacher gives a grade below an “A”.

What to do:
Almost certainly, such a deep frustration of a child with a bad assessment is closely related to the expectations that you yourself verbally or non-verbally convey. Some parents directly say, “You should only get straight A’s in your studies,” others hint, “I wish your diary was as beautiful as your friend Petya’s.” In both cases, the child feels obligated to study “excellently,” especially if such veiled or not-so-veiled phrases often pop up in your speech. But not everyone succeeds in being an excellent student and not always.

Therefore, the first thing you need to do to help your child worry less about bad grades is to stop focusing on them. Praise your child for his achievements - for example, for how beautiful his handwriting has become, how quickly he solved a math problem, with what expression he read a poem, and not for getting straight A's. You must convey that good grades are great, but the main thing is real knowledge, and even more important is interest in learning and the effort made. Only for this you need to believe in it yourself.

Problem: the child is being bullied by classmates

The sad reality is that almost every modern classroom has its own “outcast.” They offend him, they laugh at him, they don’t give him a pass, both literally and figuratively. Often the reason for the ridicule and ridicule of classmates is some “feature” of the child that distinguishes him from the rest. Being too tall, overweight, dressing differently, having a different eye shape or skin color, studying too well or too poorly, not eating meat - anything can be the cause of bullying.

What to do:
Don't interfere "directly". If you decide to “have the talk” with children who bully your son or daughter, you will only make the situation worse. Because you physically cannot be there all the time while your child is at school, and as soon as you leave, they will start teasing him also because “mommy stands up for him.”

Giving your child advice and lecturing on what he should do in such a situation is also not effective. Because we give advice from an “adult” position - if the child had our confidence, knowledge and strength, perhaps he would not have any problems.

In this situation, you can only do one thing - provide maximum support to the child. Listen to him when he wants to complain, tell him how much you love him. And try to find for him a society of people like him, where his peculiarity will be appreciated and not rejected. If a child talks too much and makes faces, send him to the theater; if he is too tall for his age, send him to the basketball section. Seeing that he is not the only one, the child will become less ashamed of his “peculiarity”, and quite likely, he will begin to be proud of it, and other people’s ridicule will no longer hurt him. And as soon as the gun fails to reach the target, it stops firing.

If the situation only worsens over time and reaches the point of assault, you may need to think about transferring your child to another school. An extra half hour of travel or a not so high rating in certain subjects is not as scary as a child’s destroyed psyche.

Problem: the child has no friends at school

Problems with relationships at school are not always related to the fact that someone is offending the child - sometimes they are simply ignored. If classmates do this on purpose, you should “fight” in the same ways as with active “assaults,” but more often than not, a child’s lack of friends at school is still associated with his natural modesty. This problem is often encountered by children who have transitioned to new school, where their own groups and interest groups have already formed. And, if for an active and lively child joining a new environment is not a problem, then a shy one will stand on the sidelines, not daring to approach and talk to the new company.

What to do:
First, make sure that the desire to have friends belongs to your child, not you. Most children feel the need to belong to a group, but there are exceptions to every rule—your child may be one of them. If your little schoolchild really wants to make friends with someone, but can’t, help him - arrange some kind of fun event, to which you invite other children.
Outside of school, in a situation where they are interested and pleasant, children are usually more inclined to make contacts - and will not mind playing with your son or daughter.

If you don’t have time to organize picnics and hikes, try inviting the parents of one of your classmates to visit. After all, it doesn't hurt to make friends in the school environment either. Ask your new acquaintances to take their child to visit so that yours doesn’t get bored. And be sure to come up with some kind of unifying exciting activity, which children can do together - put together a new construction set, build a fort out of pillows, brush the dog, whatever they can do together.

Problem: overloaded schedule, child gets tired and cannot cope with the load

Teachers complain that your child sleeps in class. At home, he refuses not only to help around the house, but also to play, because he is too tired and wants to rest. Or maybe he doesn’t have time to play at all, because after school he not only needs to do his homework, but also go to a horse riding lesson, and then work out with a Spanish teacher...

What to do:
Reduce your parental ambitions - almost always when a child is on the verge nervous breakdown due to overwork, it turns out that, in addition to school, he attends several more various circles And sports sections. Take care of comprehensive development child - this is good and right, but only as long as his physical and psychological health does not suffer.

Try giving up piano lessons, at least temporarily, and not taking your son or daughter to a private chess teacher three times a week. Observe your child: has he become more cheerful, cheerful, active? If not, he may need more time to recover. It would also be a good idea to check whether fatigue and nervous exhaustion are caused by a lack of vitamins in the body.

If, in addition to school, your child has no additional loads, and teachers still complain about his inattention, you may need to check your child for attention deficit disorder. With ADHD (as the syndrome is called for short), due to neurological characteristics, the child has difficulty concentrating on something and cannot maintain attention for a long time, which affects his performance at school. Children with this syndrome need special help in learning information.

Problem: the teacher does not like the child for some reason and lowers grades for no reason.

IN ideal world teachers must be impartial, assess the true level of the child’s knowledge, without paying attention to their personal likes and dislikes. But in reality, alas, quite the opposite often happens. And the teacher chooses his “favorites” and “boys (girls) for whipping.” Moreover, children who are famous are not always among the “least favorites.” bad behavior or don't know the subject. It’s just that, for example, the teacher loves active children who always reach out and strive to answer any of her questions, and those who calmly sit back (perhaps because, due to their temperament, they do not strive to “get ahead”) by default puts them “a step lower.” "

What to do:
First, try to “scout the situation.” Talk to the parents of other children - how does this teacher treat them? Are they complaining about her? Perhaps something globally is going wrong for a particular teacher in his life, and he “takes it out” on the children. In this case, you should contact the director and solve the problem administratively - change the teacher for the whole class.

If your guess that the teacher does not like your child specifically is confirmed, try to talk openly with her. The main thing is not to start with threats or negativity. It will be much better for both you and your child if you manage to resolve the conflict peacefully. Ask what Vasya needs to do to improve his grades? Say that you feel that your son is not “suited” to her subject - what could she advise to improve the situation? Tell us about the characteristics of your child - maybe, having realized that he does not raise his hand not because he knows nothing, but because he is phlegmatic by temperament, she will begin to ask him more often herself - and make sure that he knows everything better than many.

If, despite all your conversations, the teacher will not leave your child alone, use this case as an example, telling your child that this happens in life - even if we try very hard and do everything well, others do not always appreciate it adequately . Praise your child and tell him that you are sure that he knows mathematics (literature, English) better than many, and if the grades do not reflect this knowledge, it is not his fault.

In general, when a child complains to you about something that is happening at school (and not only there), try to hear not only words, but also emotions. Listen to everything your baby has to say and verbalize the feelings you think he is experiencing. “I think you’re very upset,” and shut up. The child himself will let you know whether you “guessed” correctly or not, and most importantly, he will receive “permission” to express everything that has accumulated in his soul. So deep emotional contact- this is the best thing you can give your child if there is a problem of any nature.

You can also remind him more often that he is wonderful and you love him, and school is just one stage of a long, long life. Former bullies and harmful teachers will remain a thing of the past, and he will definitely meet those who will appreciate all his wonderful qualities.

Photo - photobank Lori

Practical advice: how to alleviate a child’s condition with fever and what to do if seizures occur.

Fever is considered to be an increase in body temperature above the upper limit of its normal fluctuations during the day. Depending on the child’s body temperature, there are three degrees of fever:
Subfebrile - 37.2-38.0°C
Febrile - 38.1-39.0°C
Hyperthermic - 39.1°C and above.

Normal temperature values

A temperature of 37 degrees is not “normal” for everyone, as we have been told for years. This is simply not true. The established “norm” is very arbitrary, since the figure of 37 degrees is the statistical average. Many people have a normal temperature that is higher or lower. This especially applies to children. Research has revealed that the body temperature of the majority of absolutely healthy children ranges from 35.9 to 37.5 degrees and only a few are exactly 37 degrees.
Fluctuations in a child's body temperature during the day can be significant: in the evening it is a full degree higher than in the morning. Having discovered a child in the afternoon slightly elevated temperature, don't worry. This is quite normal for this time of day.
The temperature can rise for reasons not related to any disease: when digesting large and heavy foods or at the time of ovulation in teenage girls during puberty. Sometimes an increase in temperature is side effect medications prescribed by a doctor - antihistamines and other drugs.

How to care for a child with a high fever

Children with fever should be dressed lightly and in a well-ventilated area without drafts. Infants especially characteristic is the dependence of body temperature on temperature environment, since their body is just learning to regulate its temperature. If the child is wrapped up, undress him and cover him with a thin diaper.
If the temperature is above 38°C, you can bathe your baby in a bath, the water temperature of which is only (!) 1°C lower than the temperature of his baby (this will be a hot bath for a person with normal temperature!). Maybe bathing together and breastfeeding at the same time.
High fever and the symptoms that usually accompany it lead to significant fluid loss and cause dehydration. If your child refuses to eat, do not forget to give him something to drink. Let these be loved ones, but healthy drinks. Children who are on breastfeeding, enough breast milk, they need to be given free access to their mother’s breasts.
If the temperature is high, allow the baby to rest, do not wake him, even if the body temperature is above 380C. Sleep is an excellent medicine.
For older children, diaphoretics can be used. As a rule, it is raspberries or natural dark honey, linden decoction. Before giving anything diaphoretic, the child should gradually drink at least 100-300 ml of liquid. Dried fruit compote is best. Only after 15-20 minutes can you give the raspberries to drink. When it begins to act, the previously drunk liquid “leaves” from the body. If the child has not drunk anything, raspberries will lead to even greater dehydration of the body, and the already scarce moisture will be “squeezed” out of it.
Then the child, dressed in cotton, should be left under a light sheet. There is no need to wipe away sweat - as it evaporates, it cools the skin. After the main sweating has passed, the child needs to be changed and put to bed.
It should also be remembered that experienced pediatricians pay more attention to “ general condition child” than the thermometer readings. Is it impossible to console your child? Is he lethargic and indifferent? He can't drink? Here are the main ones alarming symptoms, talking about something more serious that may be happening to the child. As for fever, then, within certain limits, this is only a “normal and healthy response” child's body for infection.

Caution: rubbing

Rubbing the body with cool water reduces the temperature only for the period of wiping itself (there are scientific works, showing this). In addition, the procedure is very unpleasant for a person whose temperature has not yet reached its maximum, that is, it is in the ascending stage.
Here are a number of reasons why rubbing is not recommended to reduce body temperature:
lack of evidence of persistent reduction in temperature in children;
rubbing leads to spasm of skin blood vessels, which further complicates heat transfer;
rubbing can cause trembling, therefore increasing the metabolic rate, which will lead to a further rise in temperature.

What to do if you experience seizures

Children under five years of age are usually prone to febrile seizures. Children who experience such cramps at this age rarely suffer from them in the future.
There are large studies, reported in a 2003 WHO bulletin, showing that antipyretics do not prevent seizures in children who have previously had febrile seizures. However, if seizures occur, consultation with a pediatrician is necessary!
A study of 1,706 children who experienced febrile seizures found no motor problems and no deaths. There is also no convincing evidence that such seizures increase the subsequent risk of epilepsy.
A high temperature in itself does not cause seizures. They are caused only by a sharp rise in temperature. Many parents are afraid of high fever in their children, because they have noticed that it is accompanied by seizures. They can be understood: a child in convulsions is an unbearable sight. Those who have observed this may find it difficult to believe that, as a rule, this condition is not serious. In addition, it is relatively rare - only 4 percent of children with high temperature convulsions are observed and there is no evidence that they leave serious consequences.
If your child starts having fever-related seizures, try not to panic. Of course, giving advice is much easier than following it. The sight of a child having seizures is truly frightening. Still: remind yourself that seizures are not life-threatening or cause permanent harm to your baby, and accept simple measures to ensure that the child does not suffer during an attack.
Do not try to give fever-reducing medicine to a child with seizures!
First, turn your baby on his side to prevent him from choking on saliva. Then make sure that there are no hard or sharp objects near his head that could hurt him during an attack.
After this, for your own peace of mind, you can call your doctor and tell him what happened.
Most cramps last a few minutes. If they drag on, call a doctor immediately. If a child does not fall asleep after an attack of convulsions, do not give him food or drink for an hour. Due to extreme drowsiness, he may choke.
Lavrishcheva Yulia, pediatrician, homeopath. Tazherova Anna, pediatrician

In Russia, and all over the world, parents often complain that their child does not want to study. A psychologist's advice on resolving this situation can help improve the situation. But not every parent is ready to follow certain instructions. Most often, in practice, children are simply forced to learn in all ways, sometimes not entirely humane. This is clearly not worth doing. After all, every child needs to find individual approach. And then you will be able to achieve success in any endeavor. Studying is no exception. So what if children refuse and do not want to study?

Emotionless

In fact, there is no definite answer. And it won’t be possible to give it. Each child is an individual. Accordingly, in one case or another, the phenomenon being studied will have its own motives. Hidden or obvious - it doesn't matter. The main thing is their presence.

What to do if a child does not want to study? The first piece of advice that will be given by any psychologist is to remain calm. And assess the situation, analyze what is happening and the behavior of children without unnecessary emotions.

Often the topic of study is perceived painfully by parents. You can hear exclamations: “How come, he doesn’t want to study? Yes, I told him...”. Next, as a rule, follows punishment or any other method of forcing the child to sit down at his textbooks. It is noted that such behavior will not be beneficial. On the contrary, it will only do harm. And for both the parent and the student.

Collection of information

Does your child not want to study? A psychologist's advice regarding this situation is often directed specifically to parents. Their behavior often determines how much children strive to acquire new knowledge.

Before sounding the alarm, as well as coming up with ways that could interest or force a minor to take a more attentive and responsible attitude towards studying, it is recommended to collect as much information as possible about the life of the student. Even if the parents think that they already know everything. In practice it usually turns out that this is not the case.

Why don't children want to study? The reasons may vary. And the more the parent learns about the child’s life at school, about his feelings and experiences, the faster the situation can be resolved.

Difficulties

Now a little about the most common scenarios. Every action, as already said, has its own motive or reason. This is exactly what psychology says. Does your child not want to study?

The first reason why this happens is difficulties. Studying is the child's equivalent of work. And it’s often hard for a schoolchild. Sometimes the learning difficulties that a child faces exceed the everyday work life of an adult. And taking into account the fact that children do not yet know how to fight and do not have special resistance to stress, the scale of the problem becomes enormous.

Maybe the child simply does not learn the material well and cannot cope with assignments. Hence the reluctance to learn. This does not mean that the child is bad. And every parent should remember this truth.

Often a similar problem arises when transferring from one school to another. This is caused by differences in school curricula, as well as in teachers. Does your child not want to study? Psychologist's advice often emphasizes that children need to be helped to cope with learning difficulties.

How exactly? Can:

• change school;
• change teachers;
• hire a tutor;
• work independently with the child (but without unnecessary emotions, this is important).

Sometimes the most the best solution is the expectation. As soon as the child gets comfortable at school, is able to cope with tasks and difficulties, he will have a desire to gain new knowledge.

Boredom

What to do if a child does not want to study? Don't panic and don't get emotional - this is the main thing. The rest of the situation is quite solvable. Especially if we're talking about about junior schoolchildren.

In general, studying is a very boring process. Parents who are faced with their children’s reluctance to learn often complain: “This is so interesting!” As a rule, such people simply forget themselves at school age.

As already mentioned, studying is an analogue of work. Maybe the child is just bored in class? For example, due to more knowledge. Or, conversely, children fall behind in the program, which is why they cannot understand anything in class. This is where boredom comes from. This is normal.

There are several ways to deal with the situation:

• changing schools;
• transferring the child to a “stronger” class;
• tutoring and classes according to an individual program.

As soon as a child becomes interested in learning, he will do it with pleasure. That's how it works human body. You should always remember that children are not adults. Their concept of “should” has not yet been fully formed. Therefore, school should be interesting.

Conflicts

Does your child not want to study? How can I help him? It all depends on the situation. As already mentioned, it is important to identify the cause of the problem being studied. And there are many of them.

Often the desire to learn and go to school is discouraged by conflicts. For example, with classmates or teachers. In the first case, everything is more difficult than it seems. Conflicts with classmates are sometimes resolved quickly and independently. And in some cases they confuse even psychologists. Therefore, often, if a child has persistent problems with his “colleagues” in the class, it is necessary to either transfer the child to another class or change school altogether.

But in case of conflicts with teachers, you can correct the situation. And parents should do this. It is important to find out the cause of the “quarrel”, and then take any action. Usually people just change teachers. But sometimes you can just talk to the teacher and influence him. It also happens that the students and the teacher “do not get along.” This option confuses psychologists, parents, and school management. As already mentioned, usually the decision is simply made to change teachers.

Needs

Modern children do not want to study - many experts cite this fact. And the problem extends to children different ages. A lack of interest in new knowledge among preschool children is becoming more and more common.

There is an explanation for everything. Why doesn't the child want to study? The reasons, as can be seen, are varied. If we talk specifically about the modern generation, then most likely they simply do not have a need for new knowledge.

But the origins of this phenomenon are progress in the field modern technologies. Children of all ages are becoming addicted to gadgets. Technology and games are what even preschoolers want. They simply have no desire to study, only to create.

In general, dependence on gadgets deprives children of curiosity. If a child doesn’t want to learn to write, or just go to school, or gain new knowledge, it’s his fault modern parents. The only advice that psychologists give is to avoid dependence on gadgets and modern technology, do not accustom children to smartphones and tablets from the cradle. And if addiction already exists, you will have to fight it. But you can’t immediately deprive your child of a computer, TV, tablet, phone and other “charms” of modern technology. This will only make the situation worse. It is important to carefully limit children’s time spent with gadgets.

Health

In fact, if a child does not want to study (first grade or any other - this is not so important), problems can be hidden in the less obvious nuances of a person’s life.

Does your child or teenager get tired quickly even from simple tasks? He gets very tired without exerting himself special effort to certain things? It is possible that parents will have to sound the alarm. After all, such behavior is a consequence of health problems. It is this reason that parents tend to forget.

Accordingly, as soon as the child is 100% healthy, the desire and need for new knowledge will appear. But this is only the case when there are no other causes of the problem being studied.

Load

The school curriculum is a variable “value”. She changes all the time. Just like the workload at school. Every parent should take this fact into account. The school curriculum in modern schools is significantly different from what it was in Soviet times.

Does your child not want to study at all? This behavior is often a clear sign fatigue. Sooner or later, every tired person burns out. He needs rest. Only in in this case It will be possible to restore the desire to study and new knowledge.

Parents should do everything to reduce the burden on their child. This does not mean that you will have to do all the homework for the student. But helping and supporting your child, allowing him to rest and relax after school is a must.

An interesting fact: sometimes the desire to learn is “discouraged” by the workload that falls on the child after school. For example, various sections and clubs, as well as housework, helping parents (say, babysitting younger brothers and sisters). It is necessary to unload the child in every sense. As long as a student is tired, he will not have the desire to study.

Inability to concentrate

Of course, the age of the child is considered an important factor influencing the child’s behavior. It will have to be taken into account. And come to terms with it. After all, growing up is a gradual and long process. Each age has its own characteristics. They are often accompanied by problems and failures. Including at school.

Is the child 6 years old? Doesn't want to study? You shouldn’t scold a newly graduated student, but you also shouldn’t leave the situation unattended. It is important to understand that at 6-7 years old children simply do not know how to concentrate on anything for a long time. Except at the game. But sitting for several hours and listening to the teacher is not an easy task for a child.

Psychologists and scientists assure that children can perceive information normally in class, as well as fully learn, only by the age of 12. Around this age, the child develops “control”; he learns to sit still for a long time and listen, to delve into the essence of the story. You cannot demand this from a junior student.

Transitional age

Does your child (13 years old) not want to study? This problem is widespread all over the world. Parents of teenagers often note that their children simply stop striving for learning and knowledge. They "slip" in grades, don't do homework and even skip classes!

Unfortunately, most mothers and fathers do not choose the best the right tactics behavior, causing even more harm. After all, at 12-13 years old it begins puberty, new stage personality formation. A period of rebellion and disagreement. During adolescence, problems with learning are normal.

It is important for parents at this moment not to “press” the child, but to help the student cope with the difficulties of adolescence. This technique helps maintain relationships with children and also improves academic performance. You can hire a tutor, but without fanaticism. Children at any age should have time to rest.

Motivation

Any process, as already mentioned, has its own reasons. For children, as for adults, motivation is important. A living organism will not engage in anything if it does not have a need and motive for it.

Accordingly, it is important for parents to “stir up” the child’s interest in learning. Very often in practice there are situations where failures are punished, and successes are taken for granted. Such behavior will eventually lead to the child not wanting to study further. Psychologists also note that some mothers and fathers do not consider good grades to be an achievement or even a proper thing, but bad grades promise serious consequences for the student.

Yes, in any action of parents there should be rigor and seriousness, but in moderation. Psychologists advise putting yourself in the child’s place: if there is no motivation to complete certain tasks, will an adult perform them? No. Children behave exactly the same way.

Fortunately, it is possible to motivate your child to learn. But each student needs an individual approach. For some, extra pocket money can be a good motivation; for others, just praise or family dinner, sweets as a reward for success, and some are motivated by shopping. In particular, large ones. But this option is good for great success. For example, if you finish a quarter with honors, you will receive the latest model gaming computer. The main thing is to always keep your word and not deceive the child.

Parents often believe that punishments and “belts” are the main motivation for learning. If a child is kept in fear, he will learn even through force, succeed and make progress. In fact, such behavior will lead to the destruction of contact with the student, sometimes even for life. Therefore, you should not choose such tactics.

Control

The last scenario is also quite common. Does your child not want to study? The psychologist's advice indicates that it is important to give children a rest, to motivate them to learn without intimidation and intimidation, without neglect. But at the same time, it is important to remember one truth - less control.

The point is that excessive control over the child’s progress leads to the fact that children do not want to study. Especially if everything revolves around studies and the educational process. The child begins to think that only education is important for parents. And all other areas of life, feelings and experiences of children are nothing. Therefore, the desire to learn disappears completely. Sometimes it takes decades to restore it.

Sometimes parents completely control every step of the student, thereby holding themselves responsible for all the child’s actions. It is not right. This behavior only discourages the desire to study and gain new knowledge. From now on it is clear what to do if a child does not want to study. The main thing to remember is that punishment and scolding are not at all what will help improve the situation in most cases.

Now do you understand why children don’t want to study? The reasons are so varied and depend on such a huge number of factors that you can never say for sure that you are developing a “boobus”.

Most parents give great importance teaching their children, trying to make them outstanding individuals. But at the same time, they do not always clearly understand their role in the school learning process, often making mistakes in raising a child. modern society Education and grades are emphasized, and parental involvement is often correlated with their children's success in school. The consequence of this is that many parents throw themselves into raising their children, spending a lot of money, time and nerves on it.

But at the same time, they do not always get the expected result, as evidenced by unsatisfactory grades. According to education experts, the lack of reward for effort is often due to parents not understanding their role in their children's education, which leads them to make mistakes that interfere with learning. In some cases, these are actions related not so much to studies, but to the style of upbringing in the family, namely, such frequently repeated mistakes as excessive care, lack of restrictions, a negative attitude towards everything, or bad examples.

And other common mistakes involve not knowing the most appropriate answer to questions like: Should parents study with their children? Help them with their homework? Check homework completion? Check and correct school assignments before children submit them? Reward for good grades? Give additional tasks if the teacher is not very demanding? Hire tutors? Monitor the progress of your studies? Talk to teachers? Encourage participation in extracurricular activities?

Based on his professional experience, Joan Domènech, Director of the College. Fructuós Gelabert in Barcelona; Benjamin Montenegro, Member psychological advice on Personal Development, and Ángel Peralbo, Head of the Adolescent Department at the Psychological Center. Álava Reyes, believe that the most common parental oversights in the area school education and education are as follows.

1. Act as teachers

Many parents help their children prepare homework, explain to them educational material, correct the work. And yet, psychologists, educators and teachers are unanimous in the opinion that it is impossible to be parents and teachers at the same time, including because this leads to the emergence of conflict situations, and the educational process turns into real torture for parents and children. Angel Peralbo explains that, in addition, “if from an early age children get used to the fact that someone takes care of them, they become dependent and, instead of showing the necessary persistence in their studies, they relax and take a wait-and-see attitude, as a result of which They develop the habit that someone must lead them.”

Benjamin Montenegro emphasizes that “the role of parents is to control that the work is completed, correctly formatted, that there are no unfinished tasks, without touching the content, because homework is given to students for independent completion.” But experts warn that this does not mean that if a child asks his parents something he doesn't know or understand, they can't guide him down the path to help him find the answer.

And in cases where children experience difficulties with their studies, when they need additional classes or repeated explanation of the material, experts advise seeking the help of a tutor or educational psychologist.

Joan Domenech believes that parents should monitor their children's studies, but at the same time emphasizes that there are a number of disciplines the teaching of which falls under the competence of the school, and if parents try to do this, they thereby disrupt the educational process. “Parents shouldn't teach their children multiplication because that's what school does. But what parents should really do is use mathematical knowledge with their children in Everyday life, especially when making purchases, etc.”

2. Strive to make Einsteins out of your children

"A characteristic feature modern family is the desire to overstimulate your children, starting from the very early age, so that they quickly develop their abilities, which results in an excessive number of educational games, learning to read and write from the age of four, and enrollment in various clubs to develop their abilities,” says Domenech.

The college director explains that this desire to pump children up with knowledge early leads to excessive stimulation, which, far from promoting accelerated learning and identification of talents, usually entails counterproductive consequences, manifested in lack of attention, inability to concentrate, hyperactivity ...

On the other hand, this desire to have children who are geniuses prevents parents from understanding the real abilities of their children and their problems.

“Often, parents’ excessive demands mean the bar is too high for specific child, which can cause decreased motivation, increased resistance and even low self-esteem, which will increasingly hinder the learning process,” says psychologist Angel Peralbo.

Benjamin Montenegro gives the example of parents who force children with poor academic performance to participate in extracurricular activities.

“Some children have a hard time learning foreign languages ​​at school, and at the same time they are also enrolled in out-of-school language courses; others who have problems with mathematics are forced to go to music and solfeggio classes after school. As a result, children suffer from an overabundance of knowledge, as well as from the fact that they do not live up to the expectations placed on them,” he warns.

3. Make it all about studying

Teachers claim that students often repeat the phrase: “My parents are only interested in my grades, they don’t care about the rest.” This complaint is not always objective, but psychologists say that it accurately reflects what is happening in some families, especially when difficulties arise or children do not achieve expected results in school. “Study occupies the highest place in family concerns and, as a result, in daily conversations. Many parents put education at the forefront of their children's lives. Although activities play a vital role in children's lives, many other aspects of development should not be forgotten, such as sports, games and cultural activities, leisure time, plans for the future and family matters, friends, public relations, personal attachments within the family and beyond...” continues Peralbo.

4. Reward for good grades

A common way for parents to encourage their children to study is to promise them expensive gifts in case of good grades. But education experts say this is a mistake. “If we resort to incentives of this kind, then something is going wrong, because the child does not need material rewards for studying. The best incentive for them should be discovering new things, overcoming difficulties and developing their interests,” says the school director. Fructuos Gelabert. Educators believe that good grades deserve to be praised, approved and even celebrated, but not bought, because the child immediately becomes a slave to material incentives. And if, despite the promised reward, he does not receive a good grade, his disappointment will be even greater, since, in addition to failure at school, he will also be left without a gift.

Psychologist Benjamin Montenegro especially warns against unrealistic rewards, such as promising to buy a moped for a teenager who fails seven classes if he eventually improves. “This is clearly overkill, causing disappointment in the child and often putting the parents themselves in an awkward position when their son finds out that they promised him a reward after talking to the teacher and learning that it is very likely that he will have to repeat the year,” - Montenegro clarifies.

In exceptional cases, rewarding good grades may be justified. “For example, if a student with dyslexia gets a good grade in a language exam without special training.”

Regarding ratings, Montenegro notes another common mistake parents: hasty decisions. “When we see the ratings, we immediately begin to express our opinions, positive or negative, which is wrong. Instead, you need to think for two or three days, cool down and make an informed decision,” he explains. Educators emphasize that instead of berating them for bad grades, parents should teach children to overcome disappointments and failures, help them understand the reasons and accept right decisions in future.

5. Pass off laziness as a nervous disorder

Another common mistake parents make is trying to attribute their children's school failures to nervous disorders, experts say.

“Many children are unable to make the effort necessary to cook homework, or just study, due to your laziness. But this is just immaturity, not a nervous disorder. Sometimes they try to present this laziness as a consequence of disappointment or stress, although in fact we are talking about a lack of independence,” emphasizes Montenegro.

And he adds: the proof of this is that these guys who are not able to study hard also cannot keep their room in order, make a sandwich or heat up food when they come home from school.

Angel Peralbo emphasizes that in many cases, “the mistake of parents is this: they do not realize that the cause of laziness and lack of motivation to study is the use of almost all the time for leisure and entertainment, especially on the technological innovations that are so widespread now, which prevent them from studying other things."

Montenegro also considers it wrong when parents invite a tutor so that he can control the children’s homework and the learning process itself. “A tutor should be invited to solve specific problems, and not at all to do homework with the child, since in this case he will remain immature and will rely on others,” says the psychologist.

6. Impatience

Angel Peralbo also attributes the desire to achieve too much as a common and very undesirable mistake. quick results in studying, not realizing that this is a long process. Parents' impatience, according to experts, translates into a desire to ensure that their children learn as much as possible foreign languages, began to read and write before entering primary school, mastered mathematical operations, ahead of school curriculum. “This desire to teach quickly and as many subjects as possible in highest degree wrong. In Denmark and other countries with well-established education, children learn to read and write at the age of seven,” emphasizes Joan Domenech.

Peralbo adds that this impatience among parents leads them to become very upset when their children encounter their first learning difficulties or first bad grades. Parents forget that difficulties and mistakes are inherent in learning, and children, first of all, need peace of mind and the spirit of hard work throughout the school year. “Parents should not consider unsatisfactory results as a failure, because this leads to a decrease in children’s self-esteem, increasingly weakening their abilities,” the specialist points out.

7. Do not adhere to school methods

Overwhelmed by impatience, some parents try to teach their children to read and count using their own methods, giving them additional homework, not taking into account the fact that they may thereby disrupt the pedagogical rhythm of the school. “Parents must decide on the choice of school, realize that they agree with its approaches to the educational process, and then work in parallel, helping their children learn, but at the same time respecting the school methodology, working in the same direction with teachers, and not contradicting them,” notes Domenech.

8. Transfer your experience to children

Another fairly common mistake parents make is mechanically transferring their own learning experience onto their children. “The school has changed a lot, and so have the children. And what you liked or what you studied then will not necessarily be a guarantee of success for your children,” warns the school director. Fructuos Gelabert. Angel Peralbo also believes that in many families, “parents’ hopes for their children’s learning continue to prevail over the latter’s preferences or abilities,” and many children are forced to study what their parents like.

9. Question the actions of teachers

Not supporting teachers, constantly showing their disagreement with the teacher in the presence of children is another mistake of some parents. “Teachers no longer have the former opportunities to maintain discipline in the classroom, and it is extremely undesirable that parents, instead of supporting them, oppose them, and students, taking advantage of the current situation, manipulate them and set one against another, although the parents have goals the teachers are the same,” says Peralbo. At the same time, the psychologist adds that teachers are often guided by an embellished idea of ​​their students, often not knowing how they behave at home. “Interaction and exchange of information between parents and students can help the child achieve good results in their studies and improve their behavior,” he notes.

10. Act as detectives

Montenegro believes that another mistaken position of parents is that they become detectives. “Some parents find out how homework and other work is done, as well as exam dates through social media, or through the parents of other children, but this only generates mistrust, without solving anything,” he explains. His advice is to review the daily schedule and assignments completed in each subject with your child. Experts do not advise exercising complete control over the completion of school assignments, constantly checking what the child is reading or watching, assuring that it is better to observe him at a distance, giving him a certain independence. And if parents do decide to test the child’s knowledge, Montenegro does not advise doing it orally, but writing three or four questions, because “usually there are no oral exams, and although the child can even answer the question orally, then he still does not do well.” will put it in writing or make a lot of spelling mistakes.”

11. Solve organizational problems

According to educators, another mistake parents make is solving organizational problems for their children. “At seven in the evening the child says that the toner has run out and he cannot print the work that he needs to turn in the next day, and we send the grandfather to the store to buy the necessary cartridge,” Montenegro gives an example, emphasizing the importance of so that children get used to solving their problems themselves, “even if they turn in the work later and get a lower grade for it. After all, the later you submit your income tax return, the higher the penalties will be, no matter how much you explain that the bank sent your invoices late. This is life, and people must learn to organize it and solve their problems from a very early age.”

Teachers also do not agree with the position of some parents, who always justify the mistakes and failures of their children to teachers, always referring to some external reasons or the difficulty of the task, calling into question the competence of the textbooks or even the teacher himself.

12. Link punishment to completing homework

“He’s being punished, he’s doing his homework” or “until you’ve done your homework, you won’t go to the TV,” these phrases can often be heard in many homes. According to educators, they should be eradicated. First of all, they point out, because homework should be done in a calm, not nervous, environment. Secondly, the goal should be for children to enjoy reading and learning rather than seeing it as punishment. Finally, they should also not view reading or homework as a necessary price for watching television, playing games, or meeting friends.

The teachers of the tennis club where 12-year-old Petya practiced did not know how to cope with the outbursts of anger that the boy had after each defeat. The parents also could not influence their son and as a result accepted difficult decision- stop classes for six months. During this time talented little athlete had to understand whether he wanted to continue training and reconsider his attitude towards victories and defeats.

13-year-old Timur tried countless sports sections over several years and left each of them with a scandal. The culprits were the coaches who found fault, and other guys who were jealous and tried to set him up, in a word, everyone except Timur himself. Although the teachers unanimously assured that the boy was very gifted and could achieve success in both football and athletics, by the ninth grade he stopped playing sports altogether. The parents just shrugged. Even while playing football with the neighboring boys at the dacha, Timur shouted and argued until he was hoarse, refusing to admit his mistakes.

What conclusions can be drawn from these two stories? In the first case, his parents helped Petya understand that tennis is not only a pleasant pastime, but also a lot of work. And if you want to exercise seriously and achieve results, then you need to treat training as work, and not as a game. In the second case, the parents turned a blind eye to the outbursts of anger, believing that it would go away on its own when the boy grew up. Perhaps it will be so. But regret for friends lost and time wasted can linger even into adulthood.

It's quite easy to realize that ignoring or indulging your child's angry outbursts is not the best way to the right approach. It is much more difficult to decide what to do. Any adult understands that it is impossible to truly enjoy success if you do not know how to work with your defeats. Here classic example. When physicist Thomas Edison talked about the creation light bulb, he said something like this: “I had to do more than 700 experiments, but I don’t think that I was wrong 700 times. I successfully proved 700 times that these methods do not work.”

But it’s one thing to reasonably believe that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. It’s quite another thing to be calm about the failures from which your own child. Which parent can remain calm when their son gets a bad mark on an exam for which he honestly prepared? Or is it reasonable to treat the tears of a daughter who cannot find a place for herself? unrequited love? Yes, we understand that all this is nonsense, and in the future it will only help children avoid much more serious disappointments. But how many of us will be able to avoid the temptation to hug the baby and fervently assure that not he himself, but someone else is to blame for all his sorrows and sorrows?

It turns out, on the one hand, we want the child to learn to have a constructive attitude towards his failures, analyze the reasons that led to defeat, and try not to repeat the same mistakes next time. On the other hand, we are ready for any tricks just to save our children from disappointment. This attack approach may do more harm than good.

It is impossible to truly enjoy success if you do not know how to work with your geniuses.

Modern parents try to create in their child a sense of confidence in their strengths and capabilities. And for this reason, many try to shift the blame for mistakes from the children themselves to someone else. After a lost football match, a child is consoled by the fact that the referees were unfair, although it is much more reasonable to say: “I think you were distracted and because of this you did not play very well.” After all, the task of parents is not to protect the child from any trouble, but to teach him to cope with a difficult situation.

The sooner you start working on your children's constructive attitude towards failure, the more likely you are to succeed.

Child's worldview: fixed or flexible?

Psychologists are now increasingly talking about two main types of attitudes towards the world. The first type is called “fixed,” in which a person perceives himself and his abilities as something unchangeable. People with such a worldview, more often than others, are faced with the need to prove to themselves and others over and over again that they are worthy of all respect. People with a “mobile” worldview, on the contrary, believe that they themselves and their capabilities can change and develop depending on the situation and the experience gained. They are the ones who adapt to new living conditions more easily than others.

A child’s worldview largely depends on his parents, which means that we have the power to influence how he will relate to his victories and defeats. Faced with failure, a child with a “fixed” worldview may break down, or he may justify himself to everyone possible ways. Such children are either very worried about the defeat or completely ignore it, pretending that nothing happened. Children with a “mobile” view of events, on the contrary, will try to overcome difficulties in order to show better results next time. Of course, they also get upset when faced with rejection or defeat, but after a certain time they can correctly assess what really happened and what needs to be done to change the situation.

To help your child form a “mobile” view of the world and teach him to learn lessons from defeats, and then turn them into real victories, listen to the advice of psychologists.

• Praise for what is worthy of praise. Regardless of what grade a student comes home with, focus not on the grade, but on what the child learned, what was interesting to him, and where this knowledge can be useful. Children whose parents praise them not for their A's, but for their ability to think and propose non-standard solutions, are not afraid of difficult tasks. On the contrary, the more difficult the task, the more interesting it is to complete it. What to do if a child has done great job and still got a bad grade? Be sure to praise him for his diligence, for the efforts he made. But don't try to shift the blame to an unjust teacher. It’s worth saying something like this: “I know that you really tried, you’re great! But it seems that you didn’t quite understand this topic. Let’s think about how to figure it out.”
  Teachers at school most often demand good grades from children, but if a child takes on a difficult and interesting task, which turned out to be beyond his strength, he is still worthy of respect. It may very well be that he deserves it even more than those who limited themselves to standard approaches and received well-deserved fours and fives. Do you believe that being adventurous and thinking outside the box is more important than getting a good grade on an algebra test? If yes, then let your child know about it.
• Talk to your child about success and failure. How to explain to a child that winning a competition or good mark— are not the only measures of success? Try to convey to your children that the preparation process itself is worthy of respect, and not just the result. Oddly enough, than less baby worries about the results, the better they turn out to be. After all, only in this case can the student concentrate on what he is doing in currently, and fully demonstrate your knowledge. Say this: "For me real success- this is when you really try and do something from the heart and with pleasure." You have probably had situations when you were able to overcome difficulties to your advantage. Tell your children about them.
• Don't embellish the facts. Everyone *loses at some point—there are no exceptions to this rule. Some are not accepted into the ballet school, some are eliminated from the competition after the first match, others are not admitted to the gymnasium. That's life! But it’s definitely worth talking about what happened. Don't reassure your child that everything is fine. But don't pretend like nothing happened. Silence forms in the child the belief that something so terrible has happened that it cannot even be talked about. The most constructive approach would be: “Well, we didn’t pass the exam. How will we prepare next time?”
• Give up your own ambitions. Sometimes what parents see as a defeat for the child. In fact, it just hurts their own feelings.

Don't confuse your own childhood desires with what your children want.

“Last year, the creative team in which my daughter is involved went on tour around the region. They performed dance numbers,” says the mother of 11-year-old Oksana. “Two weeks before leaving, I found out that my daughter was not being accepted. I was in horror, she was ready to run to the studio and break in; the hedgehog was in place. But Oksana was surprisingly calm and said that she wanted not to dance, but to sing, and that the next day there would be an audition for soloists. Before I had time to do anything, Oksana passed this audition with excellent results."

Don't confuse your own childhood desires with what your children want. If you are more upset about failure than the child himself, it turns out that this is your problem and it is you who needs to solve it. Keep reminding yourself that this is your child's life, not yours. And first of all, his desires and aspirations are important.

Be calm, and the child will calm down too. Children often get upset over failures and defeats because they cannot put their emotions into words, and tears and screams turn out to be the only way express feelings. This is quite normal for four or five year old children, but a 10 year old can already control himself quite well.

What to do if a child screams at the top of his lungs, and those around you look at you with pity? First, take your child aside. Speak calmly, take pity on him and sympathize. Say: “I understand that you are upset.” Hug, pat on the head. Your first task is to calm your child down, and then you can talk to him about what happened.

Most often, children either cry and worry for a long time, or withdraw into themselves, trying to look like adults. And here it is best to play along with the child. Ask what he would like to do, what he wants to talk about. Don't react too violently, make it clear that nothing bad happened.

And finally, the most main advice. Let your children know every day that you love them, no matter their grades or athletic achievements. You love them simply because they are, not because they do something well.

If a child understands that his parents will not love him less if he gets a bad grade, grades will never be a tragedy for him.

Comment on the article "Teach your child to lose"

I'm looking for advice... Relationships with children. Child psychology. But for this we need to take the seemingly minor things- first of all, to one’s own ambitions, confidence in infallibility, constantly doubting the fidelity of one’s own...

Discussion

My 12 year old son is exactly the same :-(

I myself have not encountered this in my upbringing; somehow everything goes easily with our children, without any particular scandals (although, of course, they do happen). But my friend and her daughter are consulting with psychologist Nadezhda Khramova, she told me very good reviews about her, so I don’t hesitate to recommend her to you. because she had exactly the same situation, her daughter did not listen to anything, did everything through the roof, she was not a stupid girl, but she did not want to study at all. After the psychologist, it became much easier with her, she helps around the house and became more sociable with her mother, they began to go somewhere together (before, she flatly refused to go on vacation together). I’ll leave you the coordinates of her psychologist below, try to start by contacting her alone to understand whether this is a deviation or whether he has such a character.

Ambition. Children and parents. Teenagers. Parenting and relationships with teenage children: transitional age Especially if nervous system allows you to calmly perceive failures and pallor compared to others, and your character is such that...

Discussion

I don’t see a big difference, let him go to the second then, of course, Baumanka now doesn’t really give any privileges during employment, our tutor, who taught us from the 7th grade in mathematics and physics, is still without a job, he can’t go for pennies wants, says that he will stay for now to rehearse, there is more sense here, so....

If he “passes on points,” then this is not over-ambition, IMHO. This is the desire to “take to the maximum.” I support this))

Children and parents. Teenagers. Parenting and relationships with teenage children Somehow, by default, it is always believed that parents dream of the happiness of their child and that’s all. As for parents, a lot cannot be known in advance: for some, the parents’ ambitions are only...

Discussion

Maybe the doctors, speaking about their state of health, meant that they had just had the flu. I think that parents think and care about the interests of their son. Are you sure that you could categorically prohibit a teenager from participating in the competition? I'm somehow not sure. I assume that the consequences of such a ban could also be unpleasant for everyone.

Withdrawal could appear for the first time. Auditions with their backs to the singers are filmed immediately, I don’t think he waited there for a week
A 14 year old can no longer be forced. This means that he himself wanted and tried.
And to support him, even through withdrawal symptoms and fainting (if there are no pathologies or consequences), IMHO, is precisely the responsibility of the parents
OFF
But for the judges to take an obvious cocky outsider to the team out of pity is wrong. The project is not a big heart" is called or "spare the child's dream", but "voice." IMHO, disrespect towards other children is no problem.
The boy took someone's place. It is quite possible that at 14 years old I could understand this. Perhaps the parents should explain.

cowardly and insecure. Need a consultation with a psychologist. Child psychology. Self-confidence.. Relationships with other children. Child from 3 to 7. Education, nutrition, daily routine, visits kindergarten How to believe in yourself and stop being afraid of failure?

Raising a child from 7 to 10 years old: school, relationships with classmates, parents and teachers How do you teach your children to face failures with dignity, or 6 years - more " childhood“and it is necessary to realize one’s ambitions at the expense of a child was considered great stupidity.

Discussion

Mine also wants to be first all the time. I don’t mind, but every time I explain what exactly needs to be done for this. If you want to run better than anyone else, yes, please run :) Let’s go, I’ll enroll you in physical education, and in a year you’ll be the best runner in your class. If you want to swim, please. Training four times a week and you will be the first "on the street" :) If you want to be first not only at school, but somewhere else - no question, work. But in order to be the first in the area, for example, you will have to study so much that you will have to give up this, this and this. And then in a few years you will achieve your goal...
It’s usually very sobering; she immediately figures out whether she’s willing to pay that much to be first.
I never tell her that being first is bad or good, and in general, I myself don’t know whether it’s bad or good.
If you want to be first, work. And at the stage of systematic intense training, the desire to be the first in everything is filtered very successfully.

evaluate the progress, not the child, not “you’re so great that you read better than anyone,” but “I’m glad that you can read well.” I remember how, back in preparation for school, my son asked: “I’m great, what do I have the most stickers?”, I tried to evade that it was very good that there were so many stickers, but that’s not the main thing, the main thing is that you were interested in class, etc.
But... there is still a problem. It goes away with age, or at least softens. I'm worried about something else now. A child, if you make any remark to him, in 80% of cases he begins to say that “and Vasya too...”, I don’t know how to deal with this.

Need a consultation with a psychologist. Child psychology. How to raise a person who is confident in his own abilities and knowledge? (my son will soon be 4 years old). When I scold him (or someone else) for all sorts of childish dirty tricks in everyday life, it sometimes seems to me that by doing so I am giving him a complex...

Discussion

This is the method that the child himself suggested to me through his behavior. In short, we must proceed from the fact that there is nothing bad in the behavior and actions of a child - “until the age of 13, all children are angels”© - therefore, everything that adults see in a negative light must be turned into the bright side. And the background was like this. There was no way we could teach the child to write the letter I after Zh and Sh - she stubbornly wrote Y, and in addition, she refused to read words in the text with the syllables ZHI and SHI. The poetic rule “ZHI, SHI write with the letter I” did not work, although the child applied other spelling rules with ease. And then he flatly refuses. I was about to complain about her to the teacher and ask for help, when I noticed that the child was diligently looking for words in the dictionary with the syllables ZHY and SHY - I couldn’t find them, I started looking for them in the garden in the teacher’s primer, to whom I explained the child’s illiterate letter like this: “ She’s so stubborn with us, until she’s convinced of something herself, she won’t take my word for it”)))))

As you know, according to the superstitions of the Russian people, praising a child in front of others, in his presence, was considered a bad sign - you can jinx it. What does it mean to jinx it? Spoil...
Scolding in front of others is even useful: the child will be healthier...
Let's translate this taboo from the language of superstition (read: folk pedagogy) into modern language...