How to survive a divorce from your husband - what do psychologists advise? Divorce as a relief. When your spouse leaves

Parting with a loved one can unsettle even the most strong woman. After a divorce, complete devastation sets in, which can be very difficult to cope with. It is almost impossible to survive this time alone - it is very important to surround yourself with close people who will help you forget your husband.

Stages of experiencing divorce

Any loss in psychology is characterized by five main stages, which are very important to go through one after another. You should not try to jump from first to fifth - you will not speed up the process of accepting the situation in this way.

Regarding time, this is a very individual question. Forgetting your ex-husband cannot happen overnight, especially if you have a very eventful past. The more time you begin to devote to yourself, and not to thoughts about the loss of your spouse, the faster this situation will let you go and the breakup will become absolutely painless.

So what are these stages?

Shock and denial
At the first stage after breaking up, there comes a moment of denial of the situation. To any sensible arguments from others that it would be better this way, the woman reacts inadequately, completely rejecting the idea itself.
Anger and resentment
At this moment, anger appears at the ex-husband for his actions - infidelity, betrayal, inattention, etc. In addition, after a dose of negativity towards your ex, there is a piece left for yourself. The woman is angry with herself for all sorts of minor offenses, thinks that everything could have turned out differently if “not for that very incident.”
Stage of guilt
A logical continuation of the previous stage - anger at oneself develops into a persistent feeling of guilt. Begins active search mistakes and trying to fix everything. It is at this stage that a strong desire arises to call your ex and offer a compromise solution to the situation.
Depression
The most difficult stage of experiencing divorce. At this moment there comes a full realization that the family no longer exists. At this stage, it is very important to feel the support of loved ones - the more attention and care is given to the abandoned woman, the faster she will move to the final stage.
Adoption
The moment when it becomes easy and simple, and the husband’s departure from the family does not seem so painful. Finally, a full understanding of the situation comes, plans for the near future appear in my head. It is during this period that a woman begins new life.

In the video below you can see some more stages of experiencing loss.

What not to do

After the betrayal and betrayal of your husband, it is especially difficult to cope with your emotions. In this case, it is very important for a woman to understand that the world has not collapsed. Don't dwell on the negativity that has fallen on your shoulders.

Important! First of all, you should understand that the strongest and most reliable support is yourself. In addition, if you have children, do not forget about them - for children, parental divorce is no less painful than for adults.

Many women make a number of mistakes in an attempt to ease their morale and help themselves cope with a breakup. Under no circumstances should you do the following.

Trying to get everything back. Despite all the good things that happened in your family, a breakup occurred. Don't "run" after ex-husband in an attempt to reason with him. If the decision was not made rashly, you need to get out of this situation with dignity.
Immediately look for a new relationship. Most likely, this will simply be an attempt to fill the emptiness that has formed inside, and not real feelings. A woman will look for someone similar, but is unlikely to be able to truly love a new man immediately after breaking up. You shouldn’t rush headlong into the pool until old feelings are completely released.
Suppress negative emotions. Tears, anger, fear are natural female reaction for the husband to leave the family. You should not hide your feelings and accumulate grievances within yourself - in the future this will not have the most favorable effect on the state of the body.
Drawing children into “showdowns”. Despite the fact that the husband acted vilely, there is no need to turn the children against him. Insulting your ex in the presence of your child, forbidding them to see each other - this is not the most good idea. The child should not get the feeling that his father is a liar and a deceiver, so that in the future this type of behavior does not become the norm for him.
Indulge yourself with illusions. Even if in the past your husband regularly spoiled you with breakfast in bed, expensive gifts and excessive attention, you need to come to terms with the fact that this will no longer happen to this person. There is no need to think that the man had a moment of weakness and everything will return to normal - it will not return.
Take strong antidepressants. Due to stress and anxiety, a woman may develop insomnia, which is best treated with gentler medications. For quality rest, you can use light sedatives on a natural basis.
Drowning the pain in alcohol. In our right mind, each of us understands that alcohol is not a way out of the situation. But when the world collapses, your hand may involuntarily reach for the bottle. Avoid this and try to replace such momentary euphoria with something less harmful - hobbies, walks, sports.

How to stop loving your ex-husband?

When there are no more tears left, and the obsessive desire to dial your ex-husband’s number gradually begins to go away, you need to try to open yourself to a new relationship. To do this, you need to understand for sure that you have fallen out of love.

If the spark of love for your ex-spouse still smolders inside, you need to do your best to extinguish it. To stop loving the person who left you, you can try using the following methods.

Eliminate things that remind you of him from everyday life. Visual memory– the strongest and longest. Bumping into common household items every day, a woman immediately, unwillingly, remembers spending time together with her ex. You should completely remove everything that may remind you of your husband - his things, photographs, gifts. All this can be thrown away or simply hidden in a distant drawer.
Ask your loved ones not to dwell on the topic of divorce. If at every meeting everyone around begins to feel sorry for the woman and sympathize with her, then there can be no talk of accepting the situation. The fewer reminders of what happened, the easier it is to ignore problems and start living again.
Focus on the positive. pay attention to the good side life after divorce - no one scatters socks around the apartment, there is no need to wake up early in the morning and cook breakfast for someone. Try to enjoy the moment of solitude and make the most of this period.
Don't be afraid to flirt. No one talks about starting a new relationship immediately after a divorce. But light flirting it wouldn't hurt to be with a stranger. This will make you feel desirable woman, raise your self-esteem and hear once again pleasant words to your address.

And there are a few more in the video below simple ways“remove” feelings.

Practice emotional release

In addition to the above methods, there is a special technique that will cool your feelings for your ex-husband.

Important! This practice allows you not only to get rid of feelings for a man who has stopped loving you, but also restores strength, restores spiritual integrity and helps to analyze the entire flow of life.

Emotional release is a psychological practice that is used for both women and men. In addition, by adjusting some points, thanks to this technique you can survive any negative event - separation, dismissal, loss of a loved one.

The practice consists of 7 stages that must be performed one by one.

In a notebook or notebook, describe your feelings for your ex-husband as vividly as possible. Do not be shy beautiful words, because you really had real love. Also, don’t be intimidated by the scribbled pages - usually it takes a whole notebook to complete this task.
Write a detailed answer for each feeling - why did it arise for you? For example, if you now feel guilty about your ex, describe in detail why. You should explain to yourself as accurately as possible the nature of the occurrence of a particular condition.
After the work done, you should rest for several hours. An important point is that it takes time to go through all the stages. But you shouldn’t drag out this process over long days - the faster all the tasks are completed, the faster your feelings for your husband will be released.
Next, in a new notebook, you should describe the person you would like to see next to you. Tell us how you see him - starting from his appearance, type of activity, habits and ending with his attitude towards you.
Now you need to compare your husband with the resulting ideal. Do they have many similarities? Perhaps your ex still has more shortcomings than you would like?
To understand that the decision to divorce was the most correct in your life, you should pay attention to all the disadvantages of your unfortunate spouse. Write down in detail everything that annoyed you so much - night snoring, inattentive behavior, laziness, etc. Tell me, have you always dreamed of such a husband?
And now the most important stage- reset pink glasses. It is important to understand that people do not change over time and all the habits that are so annoying in your ex would not go away. With this practice, you can stop idealizing your husband and realize that there are many other caring and faithful men around.

The emotional state after a divorce cannot be called stable. This period is characterized by mood swings and slight confusion. In order to finally cope with all the difficulties that await a woman after her husband’s betrayal, it is necessary to listen to the advice of experts.

Try to take your time free time. Concentrating on any type of activity will help you forget about problems and all the thoughts that bother you. To do this, you can go deeper into work or start repairs.
Find an outlet for yourself. A new hobby will help you relax and unwind. In addition, an activity that brings pleasure will relieve emotional condition and will allow you to go to new stage in life.
Go on a trip. Take your child with you and see the world. For example, you can go to warmer climes in the middle of winter. Thanks to this change of scenery, you will plunge into new sensations and rethink what is happening. A warm sun and the sea breeze will be a pleasant bonus on this trip.
Let go of grudges. You shouldn’t get hung up on your husband’s betrayal - accumulating grievances will not lead to anything good. Forgive him for all his wrongdoings, and it will become much easier for you.
Don't stay alone for long. Try to surround yourself with close people who will provide moral support. If after a divorce you are often left alone with your thoughts, a stage of introspection and internal conflict may begin.
Forget the word "revenge". Don’t even try to “prick” your ex in any way - you shouldn’t spread gossip about him or try to “plant the pig.”
Make a new you. Every woman at a new stage of life changes her image. Try experimenting with your wardrobe or appearance– such changes will inspire you to do new things and help you realize your attractiveness.

The most important thing after a divorce is not to despair. The world didn't collapse, it just changed a little. Once you understand this, many new opportunities will open up for you.

And there's a little more in the video below interesting information about how to survive a divorce from a loved one.

When people get married, they hope for a happy family life. They plan to live together for a long time and happy life. Few people can imagine that a painful divorce awaits them and broken heart. At the beginning family life Almost no one thinks about this. However, the harsh reality leads to the fact that most couples get divorced within a few years of marriage.

Parting with a loved one is very difficult process. It leaves painful scars on the heart, brings pain, sadness and a feeling of emptiness. Negative emotions overcome a person and deprive him of his ability to perceive the world. Life seems meaningless, self-esteem decreases and depression begins. This condition can lead to fatal consequences. You need to look for a way out of this situation and try to improve your life.

How to get rid of stress?

Not every person can survive such a difficult experience as divorce. The current situation seems hopeless. It's hard to imagine, but we have to reassemble the broken pieces and try to start all over again. clean slate. What to do in similar situation? How to rid yourself of constant worries and protect yourself from stress?

First of all, it’s worth remembering that parting with your significant other saved you from negative emotions. This part of your life is over. Losing a loved one always leads to inevitable stressful experiences. But try to think, were you really that happy?

Perhaps divorce is your only chance to find long-awaited happiness. A breakup may have different reasons, but they all inevitably lead to stress. It is important to remember that you will not be able to turn back time. Try to let go of the past, you will feel long-awaited relief. But don’t think that your experiences will end there.

Tears, hysterics and depression are the eternal companions of partings. Just think, you have parted with a very important and significant part of your life. It's not easy to go through this. Don't keep everything to yourself. Give free rein to your emotions and allow yourself to “suffer” for a few days.

It is almost impossible to get rid of worries. You will be immersed in painful memories, remember happy moments, perhaps every thing reminds you of your failed soulmate. Resentment and feelings of worthlessness will cause you great pain.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to get rid of this. You can start all over again, change your hairstyle, change your place of residence, but psychological condition will remain very shaky for a long time. You won't be able to go to sleep with pain and wake up the next morning as a completely different person. The pain will go away gradually. Remember the time will come, and you will forget about your pain. You will feel better. The main thing is not to drown in your grief, but to find ways to deal with it.

Try to think

What is causing you such pain? Did you love this person? Or maybe humiliated self-esteem speaks to you? The only way To reduce pain is to understand the cause of your worries. If you can answer this question honestly and openly, you will immediately feel the long-awaited relief.

Don't think about your pain. Try to see and get rid of it forever obsessive feelings. Try to write about your pain on a piece of paper. Psychologists believe that this method helps to cope with unpleasant thoughts. So, take a piece of paper and try to think about what is the reason for your suffering. If it’s hard for you to single out one reason, you can write several. In world practice, the following are the most common reasons:

I still have feelings for her/him - if you still love ex-partner, then getting rid of feelings will not be easy. But by admitting this to yourself, you will be able to better deal with such a scourge.
I am afraid of loneliness - this is the most common and widespread fear of a person. Often tears, fear of being alone is the cause of stress and tears. In reality, the person does not suffer for the former partner, but is afraid that he will never be able to start a new relationship and will remain alone.
I don’t want to give him/her away to anyone - the feeling of ownership also doesn’t allow me to calmly let go of my ex-partner. A person feels humiliated, jealousy and humiliated self-esteem speaks in him. He wants to return his partner not because of great feelings, but only to satisfy the feeling of ownership.
I am afraid for my children - women are more often subject to such fear. Being unhappy in their marriage, they continue to live and endure insults only to ensure a happy future for their children. It is important to understand that children will not benefit from a tense environment in the home. This will only ruin their psyche and leave them traumatized for the rest of their lives. later life.
I don’t know what to do next - of course, a person is overcome by fear. He or she does not know how to build a future life. There is no need to panic in this situation. Fear of the unknown often prevents people from moving forward. It is important to get rid of it and believe in your own strength.
I can’t forget his/her betrayal - of course, it’s hard to come to terms with the betrayal of your significant other. If the relationship ended not at your request, but at the initiative of an unfaithful partner, coping with this grief will not be easy. You should be glad that you are done with this deception forever and try to start over.

The main thing is to be honest with yourself. Don't tell the truth, talk about your true experiences. Don’t be shy to admit to yourself your fear of loneliness or reluctance to change your life. By painting the true picture for yourself, you will find a way to cope with the situation and start over.

By making a list of your experiences, you can sensibly assess the situation. Remember, it will only be difficult for you the first time. The long-awaited relief will not take long to arrive, especially if you are honest with yourself.

First stage

Going through a separation from your spouse is very difficult. It becomes especially difficult in the first weeks after a breakup. The problem lies not only in worries, but in financial issues. It is necessary to decide on the housing issue, which is also a very difficult task. Psychologists strongly recommend moving away and not living in different rooms like neighbors. This will only add negative experiences and cause constant stress.

It’s much harder for women, because in most cases they are left with children and are forced to take care of things on their own. financial matters. It is worth limiting relations with ex-husband and ask your family for help. It is important to remember that it is necessary to avoid quarrels and conflicts with your ex-spouse. This will only make your situation worse.

Get rid of the source of pain

Try to get rid of things that remind you of your ex. Even if they are very dear to your heart and there are many associated with them happy memories. This includes all gifts, things, photos together and other items. It is recommended to collect them in a remote place in order to forever rid yourself of unpleasant memories.

You don't have to throw things away. It’s enough to just collect them in a box and hide them somewhere you’ll never look. One day you will realize that you no longer feel the same awe for them. At the same time, your pain will disappear. Life will no longer seem meaningless.

Protect yourself from bad thoughts

Try to relax. Bad thoughts will not bring you anything good. It is necessary to start everything from scratch. Try to completely change your life. Go for walks, meet friends, make new acquaintances. Do what you've been wanting to do for a long time.

Find a hobby, it should be something that really interests you. Try to keep yourself busy with something interesting. You can spend time alone with yourself, watching an interesting movie, or go visit relatives. Try to think only about good things. It's time to put an end to the negativity for good.

Make contact with children

Divorce proceedings are bad for children. Remember, their future fate depends on your actions. The separation of parents can seriously affect the psyche of children. Under no circumstances should you transfer your hatred towards your ex-spouse onto your children. This is the most common and fatal error most parents. Don't discuss your problems, don't tell your child bad things about bad parents, and don't involve him in matters of the heart.

Try to explain the current situation to your child. Tell him that mom and dad no longer live, but this does not change your attitude towards him. Surround your child with love and care, do not leave him alone. Parents' relationships should not affect their child's life.

Outside opinion

Remember, divorce will inevitably lead to questions. People around you will feel sorry for you, ask leading questions and interfere in things that are not their business. Work colleagues, friends and family will try to give you their advice, not always realizing that you don't need it. In this case, the main thing is to react calmly and not show aggression. Otherwise, there will be more and more questions, and those around you will decide that you are suffering. Don't pour out your soul to a stranger and tell him about mental illnesses.

The best option would be to come up with several ready-made answers. Answer clearly and calmly, do not let strangers in on your problems. Limit yourself in short phrases and try to show that you do not intend to discuss this topic. People around you will quickly understand that they will not get anything interesting from you.

As for relatives, you can be a little more frank here. Again, you are not obligated to let others in on your problems. But your loved ones are most likely very worried about you and want to help. Tell them the real reason breakup and ask not to return to this topic again.

Change your style

Women and men are recommended to radically change their style. A new look will be the beginning of a new life. Women can change their hair color or hairstyle, radically change their wardrobe and sign up for some courses. After a divorce, you will have a lot of free time. You can devote it to yourself and protect yourself from bad thoughts. By changing your appearance, you can change your perception of the world.

The main thing to remember is that you can change your style and place of residence, but you will never be able to start a new life if you do not let go of your ex-partner. This is sometimes very difficult to do. You are overcome by grievances and the desire to express everything that has accumulated inside. If the ex-partner does not suffer, but builds his life, it becomes even harder.

How to deal with such a problem? Psychologists advise remembering that your life did not end with a divorce. You have a chance to rethink everything and achieve better. Use divorce as a chance to change things. Most likely, you will become even happier than you were in your marriage.

Try not to get angry - your ex-partner did you a lot of harm. You gave him your youth, tried to strengthen the relationship and received black ingratitude in return. It's not easy to forgive something like this. Resentment and the desire for revenge do not allow one to live in peace. But it is important to remember that being in constant negativity will not make you happy. Stop being angry with your ex-partner, and before you know it, you will forget about your pain. She will be replaced positive points, completely displacing the negative.
Don’t feel guilty – there’s no point in it anymore. Try to think that this will be better for both of you. Leave what happened in the past. You may have made many mistakes that led to this result. However, this is not a reason to suffer from remorse.
Forgive betrayal - the hardest thing to forgive is betrayal. A person cannot forget such a betrayal and feels humiliated. Surviving betrayal is not easy, but once you start taking care of your own life, you will gradually cope with unpleasant thoughts. The pain will completely disappear after you develop new interests and relationships.

The main thing is not to dwell on bad thoughts. This is the only way you can survive the painful period.

The husband left, slamming the door, with promises official divorce– there is no turning back! Going through a divorce is much harder than breaking up with a person with whom you were in love and even for several years life together. Divorce can be said to be a collapse of plans, trust in a person with whom you lived for a certain number of years, in a person who was considered the closest. In addition, divorce is also a test; many questions immediately arise: try to save the family? Forgive betrayal and betrayal? What about the children? What to do after a divorce? After all, many, especially women, simply cannot imagine their lives outside the usual family structure.

Divorce is a terrible blow

Without exaggeration, we can say that divorce is a blow to the core of existence, and after such a blow, it can take a long time to come to your senses and restore your usual way of life, or not to come to your senses at all. In any case, there will be consequences of divorce, but they can be tragic for the rest of your life, or the result of divorce will be the awareness of a new life experience, which will lead to something new and good. The outcome will depend solely on our actions.

In order to start working on yourself and the situation, you need to understand the reasons for the divorce. After all, thoughts about our own guilt, our husband’s guilt, that if we had done this, then there would have been no divorce - these are the most painful thoughts that are typical for everyone.

About the reasons for divorce

Psychologists can list dozens of reasons for divorce, the most typical being alcohol, lack of sufficient monetary allowance, the most common is “they didn’t get along,” etc. It is worth clearly distinguishing - all these listed criteria are not the reasons for the divorce, but the reasons for the conflict that provoked the divorce. As they say, it’s boiling. There are quite a few ways out of the conflict, but the most unconstructive one is divorce.

In a situation of conflict, there are two attitudes of spouses towards each other. The first is cognitive, which is characterized by the desire to understand the spouse and one’s significance in his actions. The second attitude is a defensive one, which consists in the desire to avoid pain, to defend oneself and completely protect oneself from problems; often adhering to such a position, adherents can attack on their own. It is the second strategy that is most often used and positioned as eliminating the other half as a source of pain.

Adherents of this position completely blame the other half for what happened and completely refuse to understand and evaluate their contribution to the current situation. This strategy of behavior is transferred to a new family, if one is formed, and the same conflict situations are created, i.e. another pain.

It turns out that you need to constantly run away from pain, which, in essence, is to run away from yourself! But at a certain moment you just need to gather courage and face the truth, but you should be prepared for the fact that the longer you delay, the more painful it will be, since the pain will add to the irretrievably lost time.

A psychological paradox is formed: from a psychological point of view, divorce is safe only when all conflict situations are resolved. But if all conflicts are resolved, then why do we need a divorce???

Grief is good for us

Divorce is more difficult for those who did not want a divorce and tried to correct the situation; in other words, those who were abandoned. The first reaction will be shock, denial of the absence of a family and departure from the usual way of life. Often the opponent of divorce begins to live in the past and refuses to acknowledge the fact of loss.

As A.S. said Pushkin "than smaller woman we love, the more she likes us,” these are the words that can characterize the developing situation in the future. Abandoned spouses begin to bother, call and in every possible way seek to meet with their ex-spouse, thereby alienating him even more from themselves.

Even if we still hope for a miracle and family reunification, then in any case it is necessary to recognize the fact of loss, that there is no return to the past, and even if the family is reunited again, it will not be the past sweet life, there will be new relationships.

The next stage is anger, this reaction occurs when it is impossible to achieve what you want. Having recognized that the family no longer exists, it has ceased to exist, strong anger appears towards the one who abandoned it. It can be said that the rejected and abandoned person feels almost raped, because he was forced to experience an enormous amount of pain against his will. The degree of aggression and anger can vary greatly, from simple hatred to the desire to cause physical harm to the abandoned spouse.

Gradually the understanding comes that anger is not the best adviser, and a reaction of grief, hopelessness, and despair arises. It is at this stage that the abandoned person most often exists in two worlds, in the past, with an existing family, and in the present, where there is no family.

Only after going through all this suffering will we be able to restore our integrity again and learn not to live in the past, but in the present and search in it. positive emotions and the joys of life.

Leaving go

Divorce is not only a stamp of dissolution of marriage, it also has legal, physical, economic and emotional components. So, divorce is the end of a relationship on all these levels. Ideally, after a divorce, those bright feelings about what was good and the acquired knowledge about what can lead to divorce and destroy a family should remain.

If it is necessary to continue communicating with your ex-spouse, for example, because of raising children, then this relationship should be smooth, calm and respectful. Personal grievances should in no way affect children. This kind of relationship should resemble cooperation, and an equal one.

There is also the position of “under-divorce,” which can be expressed in two forms. The first is “let’s remain friends.” Friendship is an important part of marriage, to remain friends in some way means to remain spouses. It is in this case that you need to think about whether a divorce was necessary?

The second extreme option is endless litigation, division of property or, even worse, children. In this version, the spouses simply hate each other, although this hatred is an emotional connection, albeit with a negative meaning.

Any unresolved issue, be it legal, financial or even emotional, will not allow you to get a divorce, and, therefore, will carry a series of pain and disappointments. Therefore, if it has been decided to get a divorce, it must be done at all levels, completely - to the end!

Surviving divorce is an art

In any case, along the way of experiencing a divorce, there are pitfalls that you should remember and be prepared for when they come across them along the way.

Family friends. Divorce of spouses divides all friends into two camps, one for the wife, the other for the husband. It is necessary to maintain relations with both camps; perhaps the friendship itself with the opposing camp will change a little, but you will still have to say hello when meeting. It is important not only to understand, but also to put into practice the rule - under no circumstances should you drag friends into a divorce, much less drag them into blaming your spouse.

Moreover, you need to be careful with your husband’s friends; a situation where a family friend consoles his friend’s inconsolable ex-wife until the morning will not lead to anything good, well, except for the aggravation of the conflict between spouses, and even with the involvement of a third party.

No matter how much one would like to find consolation, no person is capable of going through the path of divorce shoulder to shoulder; this is solely the prerogative of those getting divorced.

New lover. You shouldn’t rush to start a new relationship, especially “out of spite,” or to get distracted. This is not fair to yourself, or to your new partner either. No one can guarantee that the new lover will not be the one and only, and starting a new relationship with deception and lack of sincerity. What will be the outcome?

It is worth remembering that the position – “I’ll start a new relationship for myself to distract myself” – is false. Of course, a new partner will ease the experience, distract it, in the end this is not relief, but a postponement of the experience of grief indefinitely. You could say this is a kind of maneuver for refusing negative experiences. In addition to running away from negative emotions, we will also run away from positive emotions.

Alcohol. Alcohol can provide temporary relief until all the hops are gone. And it can also temporarily relieve anxiety. But this is only a short-term action that will lead to many problems. Alcohol is again a postponement of experiences, the stage that mandatory it is necessary to go through - there is no other way. And the longer we wait, the more difficult it will be.

Alcohol can also act as a depressant, and in fact, it is. Instead of correcting the situation and solving problems, we try to isolate ourselves from them and let everything take its course. Problems without a solution will not go away, but on top of everything else there will be symptoms of poisoning, a burden of wasted time, and a feeling of guilt for one’s lack of character.

Sleep and appetite disturbances. Good appetite and deep sleep– deposit physical health. Despite mental suffering, the body must be in working shape. And the appearance of symptoms such as insomnia and loss of appetite is a reason to contact a specialist, for example a psychotherapist, who is available in almost every clinic today. You shouldn’t self-medicate, much less wait for everything to go away on its own. You should also not prescribe sedatives yourself, most of them have an addictive effect.

Hatred. During a divorce, the emergence of anger is quite normal reaction, but what to do? After all, discharging this anger will certainly lead to problems with the law, and internal emptiness, to a feeling as if something is broken in the soul. The second side of the coin is that it is also impossible to pretend that there is no hatred, since this internal anger can simply “eat”. Over time, such eating can lead to physical illness.

So what should we do? How to find the golden mean? There are quite a few ways to destroy negative feelings, and most of them come down to safe options- imagination, for example, imagine that your spouse is nearby and tell him everything that is boiling, the second option on paper is to write a letter to the offender, and then burn the letter or, better yet, bury it. Not bad option is creative work on creating anger - drawings, modeling and much more.

Anger is a feeling that requires motor discharge; in order to fight anger, it is best to engage in some kind of physical work, find active hobbies.

Resentment. One of the most complex feelings is resentment. Moreover, this feeling also includes manipulation. Often we take offense in order to force the offender to change his behavior and do what we need. For these reasons, resentment is meaningless in the concept of divorce. We either do not have the right to achieve anything from our spouse, or there is simply no need; when we leave, leave. Such manipulations simply delay the separation; the ex-husband does not owe us anything.

Moreover, grievances are children's way achieve what you want, and it’s time to grow up. And divorce is the most acceptable time to grow up. Resentment will not allow you to let go of your ex-spouse.

In addition to the fact that we can be offended, we can also be offenders. It is important to learn to ask for forgiveness for all negativity and for individual parts of it. It is also necessary to repay debts and keep your promises. There is always a chance to pay for an unfulfilled promise throughout your life.

Sooner or later this question will come up, why such suffering? And what do we get in the end? Suffering is the purification of the soul. As they say: God does not send us suffering that we cannot bear.

We can say that divorce is a rather bright, but very painful flash of light that illuminates past life. It is worth positioning divorce as an experience; as they say, a negative experience is also an experience. I made conclusions - move on with your life.

Divorce is an opportunity to become a better person by evaluating and analyzing all your mistakes. Become a better and more humane person towards others, and try to make someone else happy. All this is doable, the most important thing is to go through this path and want it.

I’m 38, I wasn’t married, but I have a son, he’s now 19 years old, we live together. When he was little, I thought he wouldn’t grow up much and I’d get married so that it would be easier for her, no diapers and no reproaches addressed to me. As the years passed, he grew up. and I began to understand that I should have gotten married when he was little. I remember his look at other people’s Mothers when they were cooing with their children, when I took him from kindergarten and then from school. I didn’t have many women as men or my friends can boast. I denied myself a lot, although knowing that women like me, I won’t hide that I’m a handsome brunette with blue eyes. You can’t even imagine what a holiday it was for me when my mother came to visit us, it meant that I could do these two, Give yourself three days of attention. My son was 11 years old when she met that same love or whatever else you call her “at your discretion and idea))”. She is a sweet, pretty girl with a low voice, her daughter was two years old, she worked in the structures on a discrete leave. We met, walked with the children, had lunch and woke up together on my territory. I never invited guests to my place. But this could not be avoided since we practically began to live together; we were her guests. Yes, to be honest, life was not very easy for her. It was difficult for her to find food. The apartment was in terrible condition and the tenants lived there. My father’s garage looked just great. Although her Mom and sister lived very well, one might say prosperously. Yes, I met them and we still treat each other with respect, which cannot be said about my passion. I won’t tell you the details, they always told me that she was not grateful, and that’s why That’s how she lives and we won’t help her. We decided that we would live together, ooooh you can’t imagine how much I was in love with her. I decided to take out a mortgage for an apartment since I didn’t have my own home and my son and I were renting, and the thought flashed through my mind that you never know that the housing would be housing. But no, my woman nagged me for a long time that this is not necessary and why she has housing for us and without this we will find somewhere to invest. I listened, we lived, made repairs, raised children, or rather, all this fell on my shoulders. She immediately left maternity leave ahead of time because she felt better. I won’t praise myself, but I worked with the children. Her daughter called me daddy, I loved her madly. drove and picked up kindergarten, taught to read at 4 years old, signed up for lessons at 5 years old in English, at the age of 6 we went to gymnastics. In general, the children were mine, only I cooked. It’s good that my job was 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. two days off. Well, her work, of course, cannot be compared with mine; she’s from the structures)), she leaves in the morning and comes at nine, ten in the evening to get everything ready. With this certification, we haven’t seen her for days. I did the repairs with my own hands; I didn’t hire anyone to save money, but I did it for a little over a year. Well, you can’t buy everything right away. the apartment looked perfect, I didn’t think I could)), they furnished it, began to go to the seaside in a sanatorium, my daughter went every year, they began to save some money, Mom and sister began to communicate with her, even helping her with something, it felt like an idyll. Everything was fine, Then it began. HER coming home from work meant there would be a scandal. My son was already a teenager and understood everything; we didn’t talk about this topic; he didn’t interfere, but there was a feeling that he was sorry for me that I was living with this woman. The daughter ran, frolicked, got mad, made everyone laugh with her infectious laughter until a certain hour, knowing that she would come soon. My daughter started walking everywhere, no matter where I went across the room to sit next to her, she was just waiting for her my own mother and knew that there would be a scandal. She loved me so much, I felt how worried and nervous she was. I myself didn’t understand why anyone could find fault with me, But there was a fault, as she said. I got her with my women. And everywhere, everywhere there were women. I stopped going to the garage where we used to get together with friends, play chess, drink beer, although I don’t drink beer, but it wasn’t about the beer, it was about communication. In general, she started coming to me at work and causing scandals there, how ashamed I was and I didn’t find a comfortable place for myself. I worked as a section chief and okay, when the men there laugh, well, that doesn’t happen in life, but you can’t close a woman’s mouth; a watching gaze, a malicious smile, they whisper behind your back, gossip is born; in one word, I was the center of attention. Then it turned out that I didn’t earn much, and we don’t have the Moscow salary in the region, but by our local standards the salary was quite decent. We talked a lot, but it was still a scandal and then violent sex)). Did I even say that maybe scandal excites you? As far as sex was concerned, questions and complaints were not satisfactory to both of us. With friends, when we were getting together without our wives in the garage, we had a conversation about who was fulfilling their marital duty), I turned out to be the record holder because I only loved my woman. I left my job and got another job, as they say, where it was bigger, but there I had to go on a business trip to another city. One day I came back from a business trip and saw that my son was gone and his things too. He packed his things and left to see his grandmother (these are my parents), but what about the school? Then it turned out that he took the documents from the school and transferred to another school in area to grandma. There was no answer as to why he did this, everyone said that he decided this on his own. My son told me the same thing. It wasn’t even much of a shame; all my life we had gone through bad and good things together. But inside there was a worry that something was wrong. We're a small town and it's impossible to hide something. Well, of course, we found out that she had a boyfriend 7 years younger. She is now 37. Then my sister told me why my son left, he remarked to her that he didn’t like the way you see it. HE began to interfere and witnessed unnecessary things and she asked him to leave. And I’m a fool, I come here, make gold gifts, pay off the loan, and then there’s this. The last visit was out of patience, my mother-in-law had just arrived, they set the table and were waiting for me. I arrived for a swim. My daughter didn’t leave my side, didn’t ask where I was and she didn’t leave my arms and attention as if in last time she sees that she will bring notebooks or drawings, she showed gymnastics and tried to teach me English)), she was already 7 years old then. Dinner came and we ate. My daughter never left my side. Her mother (that is, my beloved) began to be indignant at her daughter and sent her to the room, in the end they had a fight and with a couple of slaps on the neck the child was sent to the room where she cried for a long time and it didn’t stop. My soul couldn’t stand it, I went and calmed him down, explained that the child understood everything well, it was a mistake, my beloved made a scandal that I was stopping her from raising the child as it should and so that I don’t interfere, take care of your son. And then there was a number..., My daughter came out of the room, hugged me and asked me and her grandmother (my beloved mother) to take her with me to work, that she did not want to live with her since she often stays at home at night, doing her homework it’s late and she gets paid for it, and she doesn’t like Dima who comes late at night and sleeps in dad’s room. Having heard what was said, the tea didn’t help me anymore, I don’t know if they noticed or not, but it felt like my lips were trembling and my forehead was throbbing. For some reason I didn’t say anything, I just silently began to go out into the street. My daughter realized that I was leaving and began to cry, my mother-in-law gathered her daughter and also went out into the street. My mother-in-law asked only one question: “Where are you going now?” I said I’ll spend the night with my cousin in the morning, I’ll go see my parents and son and go to work. Mom was categorically against it and insisted that I go to her and spend the night to calm Sasha (Daughter) and then we’ll see. Well, of course, I couldn’t take my daughter; I didn’t have any rights, either biologically or legally. My mother-in-law and I didn’t talk about anything, she just said, “I told you that she’s not grateful. I felt very bad, I can’t describe it.” I left for work, but of course I came and visited my daughter. My mother and mother-in-law took her to her place when he came and we saw each other there. Half a year has passed), during these half a year my beloved made herself known with her calls, then the calls became frequent and I was looking for a meeting to talk, which was just the occasion for Easter. I arrived, we met a lot, they talked a lot again, the same innocent smile, thin voice, an apology, let's try together. I didn’t answer anything, but simply suggested that we go on vacation to Lermontov’s places. Her sister and mother-in-law had just arrived, so the whole crowd went. I won’t hide it, I had a very good time there with her, children, laughter, sex, there was simply nothing bad, I began to think, well, what doesn’t happen in life... at the end of the rest, I began to notice that she was hiding and talking to someone or corresponds by phone. Did I ask one question? - Is someone bothering you? Can you explain to me that there is no need to bother me? To which the answer was given: I don’t need to worry about anything. IT was a blow below the belt, no, it was a blow in the back. It turned out that I was needed to compete with her young suitors. He loves company, beer, and going for walks. he is brought to her drunk late at night and who? girls driving). So she got tired and she told him that she wouldn’t find anyone either, to which he laughed. And she decided not to find, but to use the old reserve airfield (Used by her husband).)). for him to return. I won’t say how much dirt there was during the conversation, but I was furious, humiliated and insulted. I’m not ideal, I have my shortcomings, but I didn’t deserve such treatment addressed to me, after what I did for her, let her remember how she lived. It was me who was left broke and sold the car to pay off the loan that we took out for furniture and others. see, everything was left with her, I suggested that they pay for it themselves with their boyfriend, see they live there, I have nothing to do with it. but the answer was given, take it, pay your loan, I don’t have anything. So I cry and they live, it’s funny isn’t it? It would be better if I took out a mortgage then, paid it off and had my own home. They grew, they got fatter, but it was possible to at least show some respect, rather than a second stab in the back. You know, dear ladies, when she acted badly for the first time, I was hurt, bad, offended, but tolerantly life goes on (the most best medicine this is work)..., But for some reason it broke me the second time., no no, I didn’t drink, I don’t drink, or go out. It’s just that everything in my head was preventing me from working and I didn’t want to do anything else, so I worked for a year in a foreign city. I quit, the sadness and sadness did not go away, I then realized that this is what it is stressful state. So I spent a year without work, but after a while I came to my senses and again realized that life goes on with my son and I need to help him. I submitted my resume to look for a job and I’ll go to Moscow; it’s hard to find work here. I’ll work, fix a few things, there are a lot of things to do in Moscow, two Muscovite sisters, as they say, created individuals do not depend on anyone. That's the whole story, my dear girls, maybe you should think and ask yourself a question? maybe we ourselves did something wrong... Personally, I don’t have an answer to this question. Ahh Sasha Docha, you are probably interested to know how she is doing. Sasha Docha is now 9 years old, we keep in touch, albeit secretly. I don’t keep in touch with my ex and don’t want to see her.

Divorce is a little death. Loud words? Not at all. Psychologists are sure that suffering after a breakup long term relationship, similar to the experience of death loved one. Death always follows birth, and this is an immutable law of the universe.

How to survive a divorce from your husband? The advice of psychologists will prompt and help you, because in this matter there can be no easy paths or simple answers. Our experts will help you find out what happens between divorce and starting a new life, and how a woman can overcome this path.

Divorce is like amputation: you remain alive, but there are fewer of you.
Margaret Atwood

Condition of a woman after divorce

A person who has suffered a serious loss experiences enormous heartache, in which the strongest emotions are mixed: hatred, love, shame, guilt, resentment, thirst for revenge.

The usual life is destroyed, the fear of loneliness creeps into the soul, tormented by remorse and a frantic desire to return everything back, to crawl back into your shaky and uncomfortable, but so familiar and understandable little world.

On the verge of divorce, a woman is overcome by fears and doubts. How to survive loneliness? How to raise children? What to live on? How to explain the reasons for separation to friends?

A society in which more than half of all registered marriages end in divorce (most likely this percentage is even higher for unofficial marriages) is sympathetic to divorced men, but takes a cruel position towards divorced women.

If a man returns to the status of “bachelor,” then the woman is labeled “abandoned,” “divorced.” Many experience incredible pangs of shame at the thought that neighbors, relatives and colleagues will sooner or later find out about the divorce.

Women who married early, from their parents, are not used to taking responsibility and do not know how to make decisions. After the divorce, their situation changes, they have to build a new one, now independent life. If a woman has not worked, she is forced to start her career from scratch at a not very young age.

Ex-wives of wealthy husbands are afraid of poverty. And even if a woman is quite successful, she is faced with the need to perform unusual functions - pay bills, go shopping, repair equipment.

For many married couples after for long years marriage there is a feeling that they represent a single whole. Often from a person going through a breakup, you can hear the following definitions of their condition: “as if a leg was cut off” or “as if a heart was ripped out of a chest.” Psychologists call this fusion.

To restore her integrity, such a woman needs to psychologically separate herself from her husband, family and even children. This is a painful process in which you have to reshape all existing ideas about yourself and your role in life.

Divorce is a sad event, but life does not end there. Treat it as a serious, but completely curable disease. Recovery will be long and difficult, with periods of exacerbations and remissions, but it will definitely happen!

Proper grief experience

In order to survive grief, you need to live it. Everything is heavy stressful situations losses associated with loss, be it a breakup, death, loss of a job or fortune, are experienced in more or less the same way.
Psychologists identify several stages of experiencing loss, and the most important task– go through each stage sequentially without skipping or getting stuck on any of them.

Experiencing grief - individual process, and it is impossible to accurately indicate the time frame that will be required to complete one or another stage. The greater the shock, the harder and longer the process will take. In the case of divorce, we can say that all stages should be completed within a maximum of a year.

There are several scientific concepts of bereavement, but they all have much in common and can be roughly grouped into five stages. Let's look at each of them in detail.

1. Shock and denial

Have you ever been seriously injured or burned? At first you probably didn’t feel anything, and only a couple of moments later did the strong pain. It's about the same here.
Consciousness puts up a defense and refuses to believe in what happened, and the person lives for some time in an illusory world where everything is as before.

The leading emotion at this stage is fear of the inevitability of loss.
Now we need to find those resources that will help cope with the fear of loss. Tactful and unobtrusive support and care from others is important. But the most resourceful thing is self-support and self-care.

There are enough simple exercises, which will help you find a source of strength in yourself to properly experience the stages of grief. At the stage of denial, such an exercise could be a written answer to the question “How will I live without my husband.”

2. Anger and resentment

If at the last stage the right resources were found to support it, and it ended, the next stage begins. It is about trying to change the situation. Anger provokes active actions, and in this case this energy is directed towards finding someone to blame. The object can be not only an ex-husband or a rival, but close people and the survivor herself.

Often women get stuck at this stage because in our culture there is an unspoken prohibition against anger (“ good girls don't get angry").

To move on, it is very important to learn to recognize your anger and express it correctly. This, of course, is not about throwing your fists at your ex-spouse. While you are in a state of passion, you should not do anything at all. Wait for the outbreak to pass. But don't leave anger and anger inside yourself. Let them out. If you want to scream, scream. Break the glasses. Sob. Talk through your feelings in private, tell a friend, mom about them, “give” them to the person who caused them.

As a form of self-help, you can make a written analysis of the situation. The exercise is to detailed description your negative emotions, what you don’t like in the current situation, what caused your anger and why.

3. Compromise, or stage of guilt

At this stage, the desire to find and correct errors usually comes. It is at this time that women try to win back their spouse at any cost, humiliate themselves, blame themselves for everything and promise to improve.

Be careful not to fall into self-recrimination. To do this, it is important to separate the concepts of “responsibility” and “guilt”. Responsibility is about accepting and correcting your mistakes, and guilt is about self-punishment.

At this stage, be especially attentive to your surroundings - tormented by feelings of guilt, women tend to fall under the influence of others, join sects, and turn to religion.

Correct living of the stage will be helped by writing about mistakes (what you didn’t like in your behavior, how to correct it) and writing to yourself, forgiving your mistakes and drawing conclusions for the future.

4. Depression

The most difficult and prolonged period when suffering reaches its highest point. This is due to the fact that at this stage there is a full awareness of the loss, which means there is a need to sever emotional ties with the ex-spouse.
To survive means to accept this gap, to “let go” of a once close person.

To avoid getting stuck at this stage, make a list of all the benefits of being married to your ex-husband. Then write a letter in which you remember the positive moments and thank him for all the good things that happened in your life together (there is no need to send the letter to the addressee).

5. Acceptance

At this stage, the person is restored. It becomes clear how to live without a husband, what resources for personal growth available. A new life begins.

When you understand that as a result of the divorce, conditions have developed for further development and new opportunities have opened up, you can consider that the experience of grief is complete.

Of course, such deep wounds cannot disappear without a trace. There will always be a deep scar on my heart. But you have the power to make it a symbol of victory over circumstances, because you have gained invaluable experience and learned to turn failures into a resource for development.

What NOT to do after a divorce

Being in a traumatic situation, a person does not control himself and often commits rash acts. Which typical mistakes What do women do after divorcing their husbands, and what should you stop yourself from doing?

1. Trying to bring back your departed husband

Even if it works out, " Honeymoon"sooner or later (more often - sooner) will end, and indeed it will turn out to be as unsightly as before. Remember the tired expression “glue a broken vase back together”?

This also includes all attempts to keep the husband in the family, tying him with children or manipulating illness. In the first case, you play with the developing child’s psyche, in the second, with your own health, since imaginary illnesses tend to become real.

2. Start a new relationship right away

After a divorce, a woman, especially if her husband left for someone else, feels inferior. It becomes important to prove to your ex, those around you, and especially to yourself. feminine attractiveness. The result is random relationships, which leave a feeling of dirty hands and disappointed expectations.

Many people go to the other extreme and rush into a new relationship with the firm intention of correcting all mistakes. In fact, without having time to realize what had happened short term and recover, the woman pulls in new marriage the old model of relationships, and with it all the old grievances and unresolved problems.

Psychologists generally do not advise entering into serious relationship earlier than a year after breaking up with the previous partner.

3. Suppress your negative feelings

Often men after a divorce behave far from in the best possible way. Ex-wives often do not dare to express negative feelings towards your spouse, for fear of incurring his displeasure and losing last hope for his return. What is the result? The husband who did not think about reuniting with his former family, seeing submission ex-wife, begins to take advantage of his impunity. Here, property claims, refusal of obligations, and sometimes moral or physical abuse arise.

4. Drawing children into a relationship with your ex-husband

Children experience the divorce of mom and dad almost more than the parents themselves. They often blame themselves for it. These are the characteristics of the child’s psyche. During the period of separation, parents often have no time for their children, and they feel abandoned and unnecessary. Add here age crises, and your experiences will seem trivial compared to what is going on in the little person’s soul.

Children are not friends or girlfriends; do not impose on them the role of confidantes of your secrets. By making a vest out of a child, you shift the burden of your responsibility onto him.

Refrain from manipulating your child and do not resort to blackmail, no matter how tempting it may be to pull these strings.
The behavior of parents in the family and with each other forms in children a model of their future relationships with the opposite sex:

Don't insult your husband in front of your children or talk badly about him.
The father must remain in the child’s mind the strongest and bravest in the world, even if this is not true. When the baby grows up, he will draw the appropriate conclusions himself.

5. Living in the past

Leave the past alone. He can't be returned anymore. Women tend to idealize past relationships, and memory helpfully erases negative events. If a lot of time has passed since the breakup, and you are still going through wedding photos or, conversely, you are delving into old grievances, this is a reason to sound the alarm.

Don't take revenge. Let go of grudges, even if you cannot forgive. It will come when the pain subsides. Try to live now. Don't let the past be your present, otherwise you will have no future.

Find the strength to end the relationship, even if you were not the initiator of the breakup. If your spouse is willing to come over for dinner a couple of times a month or spend the night with you after a fight with his current girlfriend, this does not indicate his intention to save the marriage. Don't let your feelings be played with. Complete all the matters that bind you - agree on how you will interact in matters related to children, divide property, pick up the keys to the apartment.

Tip #2. Keep contact to a minimum as possible

Don't hang out in in social networks on your ex's page, remove his photographs, gifts and memorabilia. Perhaps, when the pain subsides, you will be able to communicate normally and even become friends with new families. But now, take pity on yourself and don’t open a fresh wound. Tears provide wonderful emotional release.

Divorces...
If at some point people stop getting along with each other, divorce is the right solution.
But first you need to try to do everything possible to save love.
Adriano Celentano

Don’t communicate with those who will say: “Don’t cry, it will pass” or “Forget it, get distracted, keep yourself busy with something.” Most likely, these people sincerely wish you well, but rarely do anyone know how to experience grief and know how to truly empathize. And in moments of shock this is very important.

Note that it is to empathize - not to console, not to encourage, not to give advice (all this is necessary, but a little later). Cry with you, hug, hold your hand, be silent.

Take care of yourself and your body. No matter how much you want to lie all day curled up in a ball under the blanket, you still shouldn’t neglect hygiene and nutrition. Try to catch your slightest desire and do not deny yourself anything.

Take a walk in beautiful place, have lunch at a nice restaurant, buy shoes. Pleasant relaxing procedures - sauna, massage, hot bath - help perfectly. Gives excellent discharge exercise stress: sport, hike, spring-cleaning. But don't do anything forcefully.

Meditation is the most effective way stop the flow of obsessive thoughts and give rest to the overloaded consciousness of the soul exhausted by emotions. Learn to distinguish between emotions, explore your feelings. Remember that when you observe your emotion, its effect weakens. Study your reactions to what is happening. Try to understand what exactly “triggers” difficult experiences. Concentrate on the good, be aware of your desires. Do what you love, form your own social circle. Develop yourself. In marriage, women often “lose” themselves and begin to live the life of their husband, pushing their own interests into the background, especially if we're talking about about dependent relationships. Love your loneliness - this is good period to understand yourself and finally understand what you want. After a divorce, many women get a second wind and achieve success in business or creativity.

Video: How to survive a divorce from your beloved husband

Conclusion

On the Internet you can find many recipes and answers to the question of how to survive a divorce from your husband: advice from psychologists, the experience of those who suffered a separation from a loved one, literature on the topic of relationships. Of course, the most effective thing will be to contact a professional psychologist who will help you go through this difficult path with the least losses.

You will need strength at the next stage of life, when you face important question: how to build new relationships and finally find the happiness you deserve.